Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Can I Get an App for That?

I was at the phone store today looking into an upgrade that I apparently should have installed in the first month that I owned my Smart Phone.

I figured it was time to bite the bullet, even if I have to lose some apps or reinstall them. The dude made heroic efforts to save my contacts before the upgrade so that I wouldn't lose all 230 people in my phone book - because, believe me, there is no way I would remember ANY of those numbers.

Finally, Dude announced that he had saved my contacts, but I would lose my text message history.

Lose my texts? My gut lurched. "Don't do it!"
Dude looked at me, quizzically. I glanced to the woman standing over my shoulder and said, "I have all these sweet texts from my guy. I'm not ready to part with them!"
She chuckled.
I reconsidered. Is this just another symptom of my pack rat mentality? That I'm not able to let go of things?

The woman and I reached the same conclusion at the same time. "That's all we have," she said, "It's not like we get letters any more."
I agreed. "It's certainly not like Pride & Prejudice, where I might have of stack of sweet nothings tied with pretty ribbon. They're in my phone!"Dude said I'll have to wait until I print out my text thread. Can you do that? I demanded. No.
So now we wait until technology allows us to print out our text history. (are we sure we can't? - is it only on fictional Law & Order that text histories are admissible in court?)

So whoever has the tech ability to do so... please develop an app for modern day women to preserve their love letters! You can call the it the Pride & Prejudice App.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Big Time

My friends are looking at me differently these days. They haven't seen me this happy in a while!

The other night at a little cocktail party - someone asked me about this guy she'd heard about. I filled her in on McTwitchy, all the while feeling that now familiar gigantic smile spread across my face! She couldn't help but notice... and asked, "Have you ever felt this way before?" I thought hard about my answer. I've felt giddy before. I've felt the twitterpaiting feelings of love before. Finally, my reply, "Not like this."

There's a new song playing these days:

and it makes me feel like a giddy, silly teenager thinking every word is about me... but I can honestly envision McTwitchy saying each word of each lyric to me. Even if he didn't - he still makes me feel that way. He makes me feel that beautiful.

He has already said most of it. That there is nothing about my looks that he would change. That he thinks I'm amazing. He appreciates my honesty, my support, who I am. And I him.

I'm just so happy with him in my life!

Prayers please, as he is headed to The Very Big City this week. It's time for The Big Decision. I pray that he makes a choice that is right for him, a decision that gives him peace as he's been living under a lot of stress lately.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Expecting Rain

My priest recently told the story of a pastor of a rural church – in an agricultural community that relies on the earth and abundance for it’s economy.

They were suffering from severe drought – so one Sunday the pastor told his church that everyone should gather everyone they know, and come to church the following Tuesday, when they would all come together to pray for rain. Surely, if the entire community came together, God would answer their prayers.

Tuesday came, and the turn out was incredible. Everyone was there. The most amazing gathering ever. The crowd murmured, impressed with themselves.

But the pastor nearly felt defeated. He hung his head in his hands and said… “Oh, that we don’t all have the faith of our dear sister Alba!!”

The entire crowd turned to look at Miss Alba… the only person who bothered to bring an umbrella.

Personally, I have boiled the story down to remind myself… "If you’re going to pray for rain, have enough faith to carry an umbrella."

My personal umbrella carrying is the mere fact that I am still dating!
I must believe that God has the ideal husband for me out there - or I would have
stopped dating years ago!

I shared that story a couple of weeks ago with McTwitchy - in reference to the great decision he has to make regarding the new job or keeping his business here.
I suggested that he determine what his Best Case Scenario is... then pray for that. But pray with the faith that God WILL make it happen.

Like me, McTwitchy is a bit rusty in his prayer life - so my suggestion is a real leap of faith for him. I don't know if he is praying or not - but I am.

Last week, McTwitchy called with news of a client meeting that left him speechless. This client who has not had work for him in a long while suddenly promises lots of business coming up! They need him! McTwitchy could barely register the information.

I found myself smiling from ear to ear as I recognized this as an obvious answer to prayer. I thought, "You can stay!" I also thought, "It's going to rain! I've got my umbrella!"

Still no definitive word on which way McTwitchy's decision will go.
We are truly enjoying this time together and I pray that whatever his decision - eventually he will decide he wants me at his side! I am crazy about this man. I am learning so much about him, it's like opening a different special gift every time I see him!

Saturday, October 16, 2010


My attempts at seeking spiritual guidance have been less than fruitful.
A few years ago, I met with my parish priest to discuss forgiveness. You see, 25 years ago this month, my older sister was brutally murdered. Then 4 years ago the parole board let her murderer out of prison.

So I've been dealing with the concept of forgiving this man. It's a big job. Believe me. The only reason I can even consider it, is that I think my sister knew she would live a short life. When I think about her spirit, I'm sure she accepted her death. I can't tell you how I came to believe this but it does give me peace.

When I talked to my priest, he told me he thought that there are some things that are unforgivable - and this is probably one of them.

I don't like his answer. After all, God forgives all of us. Was he saying that even God wouldn't forgive my sister's murderer? I don't believe that is what the bible says. I mean, isn't that what the cross was all about?

McTwitchy and I were talking about this. He says he agrees with the priest - and that he can't imagine a heaven in which murderers, child-rapists and the like are in the same place as the rest of us.

I see his point.
But I explained that I think we, mortal humans cannot comprehend the magnitude of God's grace. We won't possibly understand it until we see salvation.

We talked some more, McTwitchy asserting that even the greatest forgiveness couldn't possibly justify such deeds. Even God couldn't forgive the Jeffrey Dahmer's of the world.

That idea made me uncomfortable. I started to think, "I hope He does." I hope God's grace and forgiveness IS that big. Because if not... if God doesn't absolve the most atrocious sins... then my 'small' sins don't deserve forgiveness either.

I'm not saying that I can begin to imagine how big this grace, forgiveness and majesty is... but I think I do believe that it is big enough to forgive even the truly horrendous.

Do you?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


Quick update.
We are making a valiant effort to see each other as much as we can - an the frequency of our visits has really jumped.

I am careful not to press him about his decision, as he doesn't need more pressure. I try to be very supportive of all the steps he is taking. He has noticed, and appreciates it. The other night when I made an off hand comment about not wanting to be a nag... (I'm very committed to never being a nag!) there was alarm in his voice when he said, "You could never be a nag. I can't even imagine it. You are so supportive."

I think he really is crazy about me... and I've had moments of thinking that I might be falling in love with him. But the complications could overwhelm all of that - and that is what I am afraid of.

I'm really working on leaving this in God's capable hands.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Pressure Cooker

Turns out it does upset me.
Waiting so long between calls and visits that is.

My patience was wearing thin with just one phone call from McTwitchy while he was away this last time. Then when his flight was changed and he came back into town a day later and didn't contact me for almost an entire week - I was hurt and livid.

I'm prepared to write him off. This relationship is over.

I was ashamed of myself for calling and leaving a voicemail asking what was going on... referring to an email from him that seemed more appropriate for his Aunt Betty, than for a woman he's supposed to be dating. Seriously kicking myself. That wasn't cool.

When we finally talked, what he revealed - redeemed him in my eyes. And it turns out, leaving that voicemail was exactly what I needed to do. Totally the right thing.

See, I've been waiting with as much anticipation as he... to learn what the company behind his Big City Freelance Job was going to offer him. Now he had the answer, but wasn't sure how or what to tell me - so he simply kept putting it off. (his words)

Bottom line, he has a very good offer to work in the The Big City and a month to decide.

Talk about a pressure cooker! This isn't just about a job offer. This means shutting down the business he started and has run for the past 15 years. This means deciding between two very different lifestyles - Denver or the Very Big City. And finally, it does have something to do with me.

Already redeemed by having told me that he didn't know how to approach the subject with me... he told me he still wants to date me - with the risk of being the guy who strings me along just to move to The Very Big City.
I say, we owe it to ourselves to see what we really have here.

Here are the factors: We haven't been dating very long. We have not seen each other much in the time we have been dating. We are both over 40, which means 1) a level of maturity in knowing what we want 2) there's no sense ending something with potential even if we have half of this continent between us. But then again, it also means 3) I can't waste more time with something that isn't going to go anywhere.

Pressure Cooker.

Friday, September 10, 2010


Homemade pizza with spinach, peppers, artichoke, olives and white sauce.
Pork loin medallions with rice, pineapple and green peppers.
Then pork chops with a fresh squash and zucchini pasta.

These are the dinners I have made for McTwitchy on the rare occasions he is back home from his Big City Freelance Job. I don't even care if he's lying when he makes delighted eating noises and says, "This is fantastic hon." or even "Don't take this the wrong way, but you can cook for me any time!"

He likes my cooking. I like my cooking.

All my friends tease me because I never cook - but it's just because I don't care for the work. Or waiting to eat for that matter.
I hate the idea of waiting 45 minutes to an hour for food to cook when I'm hungry NOW! Therefore I typically eat way too much frozen food.

In making these meals I've found myself thinking... This isn't hard. Why don't I cook more often? McTwitchy understands me so well, because he thinks the same way. He told me he understands why... because cooking just dirties dishes. It's not as satisfying to go through the trouble for just yourself.

But cooking and sharing these meals with him has been great. Because he is there to eat at least one portion... I still have the advantage of leftovers - but not the disadvantage of having to eat the same thing four days in a row! (I hate that!)

My friend's husband says this is the 'Bait and Switch' segment of courtship! I laughed, but defended myself saying, "I've always said I would cook if I had someone to cook for. And if I didn't have to do dishes. Right now I have that!"

McTwitchy is both. Someone to cook for - and the one who does dishes, cheerfully! If that continues to be our deal... I cook, he washes... I don't see a problem getting tired of that.

Monday, August 23, 2010


I readily admit that I require attention.
Come on, I was the youngest child of three - obviously I never got enough attention to begin with!

I recognize that need for attention can be overwhelming for a man - and in dating, it's something I try to work on. I'm certainly not an attention wh*r#, but I do like to know that I'm on someones mind. A glance at my mobile phone showing no texts or missed calls can make me pout a bit.

So it's really interesting to realize that while McTwitchy is out of town (across the country - and going into week three now) I can text him and wait two to three days for a response... and it doesn't upset me.
Sure, my lower lip might stick out, but since he can't see that - it's okay... and overall I'm not upset about it. He's freelancing for a new company and the work is very hands on, so I understand. I also understand that his personality is similar to mine, in that when he is submerged in something he puts all distractions away - he won't even look at his phone until he has at least two hours to deal with it.

This may not sound like much - until I realized that this is new to me.

I am really frustrated with comparing so much with McTwitchy to that with Mr. Burns... but when you've given three years of your life to someone - their behavior can stick with you a while.
Besides, these comparisons always put McTwitchy ahead - and I've learned that Mr. Burns makes me appreciate McTwitchy all the more.

With Mr. Burns, I had a bit of anxiety about hearing from him even though he called frequently. If he was out of town we probably talked twice a day.

Seeing that I'm okay with McTwitchy taking two days to respond to a text has taught me that the difference is... I don't have anxiety over how McTwitchy feels about me. I am secure about that - even though we have not 'declared' anything about our relationship. When I do hear from him, it's something sweet or reassuring. I really feel that he's thinking about me.

Conversely, I never felt secure about how Mr. Burns felt about me. I was always looking for confirmation of our relationship. Burns withheld terms like, "I miss you." or even uttering the word 'Love' whether it was directed toward me or not.
Once, while I was driving him to the airport he told me not to be upset if he didn't call me while he was gone. Needless to say that didn't sit well with me. I told him I wouldn't be upset, I would just know that he wasn't thinking about me - and draw my conclusions from that!

When McTwitchy texted me the anticipated schedule for his return, he wrote that he needed some "____ love" which would have to wait another week. (don't worry - nothing dirty - just not worth typing without including a lengthy explanation) It wasn't until Kikr pointed out to me that he'd used the word 'love' nonchalantly - thereby distancing himself in leaps and bounds from Mr. B, that I even noticed!

The difference really is that McTwitchy is comfortable in his own skin. He has no pretenses... he's just himself... which is just like me. And he's a grownup.
And I LOVE that!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Love and Loving

Many years ago - before the emergence of Facebook and Blogs - I participated in an online forum for those in the media industry.
It was where we went to vent about crazy viewers, reluctant sources and grouchy assignment editors to name a few topics.

Sometimes the conversations got personal. Because it was a place where you could gather many opinions from a variety of people - some folks would toss out a relationship issue or two just to see what other people thought, for validation or discernment.

Let me tell you, I was amazed at what I learned. Men were very forthright about what they thought and what they expected. Sometimes it was shocking, from the "Gee, and I thought I dated @-holes." point of view.

These years later, one exchange still sits with me. Somewhere in the thread someone offered, "If he doesn't love you the way you need to be loved, you're going to have to move on."
A young man piped in, saying, "That doesn't seem right. What if I love someone as much as I am capable of at the moment and it's not enough for her? Does that mean I don't love her? I do. She should just give up on me?"

I don't remember how it went after that. But I think about it every now and then.

Today, I think I have the answer.

See, a friend pointed out that McTwitchy speaks my Love Language. Even more so, it looks like our love languages may be the same, maybe even the same dialect! In the case of Words of Affirmation, it meant a lot to me that he told me he missed me. Truthfully, it sent me over the moon!

I recognize too that it means a lot to me, because I never heard those words, not ONCE from Mr. Burns over three years. Okay, maybe once or twice - but come on!

So that got me thinking about all the effort that I put into that relationship with Mr. Burns - and how it's so clear now that it was never meant to be. I realize now that he couldn't tell me he missed me - because he didn't. He couldn't tell me he loved me - because he didn't. Imagine his frustration when I was more-or-less demanding these things from him and he couldn't even understand those emotions!!?

But you know what - he maybe did love me. Just not how I need to be loved.

I need to be accepted. I need to be cherished. With ease.
Instead, I was told how he wanted me to be (and I'm sure I did the same to him.)
- On an airplane, he wanted me to read the Bible instead of a fitness magazine. I'm obviously not opposed to reading the Bible, but on an airplane I want recreational reading. I felt he judged me for that.
- If I was cracking up over a stupid joke, he just looked at me as if he were embarrassed - of me and for me! I want someone who just loves the fact that I'm laughing.
I asked Mr. Burns to read the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. He did, and it seemed as though he got it. Although when we discussed it, he tried to tell me that my love languages were not what I thought they were. Ladies... there's your sign!

The bottom line, I think - is that someone may love you, but if it's not in the way you need to be loved, you are going to be disappointed. Maybe even miserable.
It doesn't mean that their love isn't valuable or meaningful. It just means that it's not for you.

It's sad. It's heartbreaking.
But you deserve the love of your life.

I deserve someone who loves to hear me laugh, no matter what I'm laughing at. I deserve someone who lets the little things roll off their back. Someone who accepts my explanation for why or how without having to nitpick it to death or demand that we agree on it.

So far, McTwitchy offers me that. The relationship is easy, and comfortable. I understand he may not end up being The One - but he sure is good practice!

We laugh at the same things. He doesn't shy away from my hugs (Mr. B would shrug me off if I clung too long ~ There's another sign ladies!!!) He constantly alludes to my good looks and good figure - and I don't even care if he's making it up!! (Which is a welcome change from someone who kept telling me what to improve.)

It all points to a person who maybe loves me the way I need to be loved. He sure is liking me the right way.

Monday, August 16, 2010

They Get Me Every Time! that is.

I go there to order something that I can't find here... and they suck me in with their Supersaver Shipping!
Orders over $30 can qualify for free shipping - so I'll easily spend an extra $5-$10 to save $5 in shipping. Who wouldn't? Kikr and I both get sucked into this one.

So today, I went to Amazon to find refill razor blades that I suspect have been discontinued just to make my life more difficult. I have two (COUNT THEM, 2!) Schick Silk Effects razors... but now their refill blades seem to be discontinued and replaced with Intuition - whose blades don't fit the Silk Effects. Well, considering that I am broke... I'm not about to buy a whole new shaving system. Plus, I've always been happy with Silk Effects. Plus, plus... what am I gonna do - just toss two razors into the landfill for no good reason?

Off to Amazon I go to get a supply of 20 blades which should last me a while. That's $22. Plus $5 shipping. If I spend $8 on something else, it ships for free and I would rather my money go toward something useful rather than to pay just to get it here. Also, they're going to put this tiny package of razors in a box at least twice it's size... let's make it worth the trouble!

I troll around, knowing I don't really need anything nor should I buy anything... so I decide on a copy of Selah's Christmas CD, titled Rose of Bethlehem. I already have it. It is my favorite Christmas CD EVER - because it's about GUESS WHAT - CHRIST!
I figure I'll want to give it as a gift to someone this Christmas so I may as well get it now!

And that is how I started my Christmas shopping in August this year!

What does Supersaver Shipping suck you into buying?

Thursday, August 12, 2010

What I Don't Want to Be

I have seen a potential future... and it has scared me.

or scarred me. Yikes.

I admit that I don't get out enough. Another under-employed friend of mine suffers the same problem. It's hard to go out because you know you'll buy a drink, or even just a soda, maybe an appetizer - all at an inflated price - so it's easier to just stay home and not spend money.

The other night we decided to get out met real live people. A certain establishment in Denver sponsors a free concert each week during the summer so we went there.
This establishment is also known for being the number one Cougar hang-out in the city. Let me tell you, this place was Cougar-ville. And Cougar-ville doesn't look anything like Courtney Cox!
My friend and I arrived at the patio - concert atmosphere and she noted that for once in the past year, she felt really young!

I looked around and all I saw was OLD.
I hate saying that because old does not equal BAD. Allow me to explain by sharing my thought process.

I looked around and saw all these older men. Some of them looked pretty good. Most of them did not. I wish it were not true but I am just not attracted to older men.

Though I will admit that in my 20s I found actor Craig T. Nelson extremely attractive - but let's face it... back then he was about the age I am now!
But more concerning to me, were the cougars themselves. Decked out in outfits meant for someone 20 years younger - obvious make-up plastered on their tight-post-plastic surgery faces... and still prowling for a man.

My mind flashed to myself in 7 to 10 more years. I pitied these women.
The same as I pity the paunchy 60-year-old divorced men out there still prowling for a mate.

I don't want to become that.

Sure - their single status may be the result of a divorce, or even an untimely death - but I find it so sad when these old coots are still out pursuing women... especially if they are cruising woman 20 years their junior.

Oh my, I sound so judgmental!!! And I don't want to be!

But most of all, I don't want to be a lonely old woman still searching for love after my crow's feet are deeper and my butt is even flatter.

Honestly, I can't afford the plastic surgery it would require to enhance my boobs and tweak my face... and I wouldn't want to invest in that anyway.

I'm 40 and I need to find my love now!

(what great relief to hear from McTwitchy the next day ... who is out of town and messaged that he misses me! Whew.)

Monday, August 09, 2010

Bad Timing and Great People

I've been turning something over and over in my head.

It's part of a conversation I had with McTwitchy - we were talking about timing - and how we're both in tough places career-wise. He questioned the wisdom of starting a relationship right now. I understand what he is saying.

My response asserted that when you find someone that you can really connect with, you have to see how it goes. I mean, why be alone your entire life just because of bad timing?

He said, "Yes, but there are a lot of great people out there." Suggesting that you don't get just one shot.

This astounded me. I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying, "No there are not!!"
Where are all these great people he's talking about? Is he saying that I'm not that special? I was completely bewildered. What IS he talking about?

Finally it occurred to me: OH! HE'S NOT DATING MEN. HE'S DATING WOMEN! He has a completely different perspective!
From where he stands there are a lot of really great people out there. Plus, he can date anyone 5 years older than him to 20 years younger. His pool is deep and wide.
And in general - just nicer people.

From where I stand... not so much! Sure, I can date the same age range - but I don't want to!
20 years younger than me is younger than my nephew! Yuck!
5 years older than me is - well old. And divorced. And paunchy, old, womanizer-type men. Not to mention the young womanizer-type men.

Oh, the inequity!

Monday, August 02, 2010

What Got Me Here

A friend of mine is dating a new guy - they had three dates in three days, complete twitterpation, with no plans to slow down.
A few days later I text-ed her a smirky inquiry, "How's the guy?" Her response, "Meh."

So when I saw her this weekend, I got the lowdown. He seems insecure and moody.
Red flag.

Suddenly, I feel like I know everything.
"I've dated insecure and moody. It doesn't go well. If you want to give it more time, go ahead - but be prepared to end it."

We talked some more, and I asked if she was walking on eggshells around him. Yes.
Oh dear. It's not going to get better.

I'm afraid that smug, "I'm in a great relationship." attitude is about to take over and I'm a bit shocked by it.
I know now that we all want to be with someone where you never have to edit your thoughts and words. With whom you can just be. Comfortable.
I told her that with McTwitchy, there are no eggshells. We each can say anything we're thinking and it is accepted. Even if it's not agreed upon. (I had that with one other guy - and would have waited my entire life to find it again. It wasn't Mr. Burns btw!)

I made dinner Thursday night for McTwitchy and me. I had just barely cleared the table when he started the dishes - CHEERFULLY!
What a difference! I hate comparing him to Mr. Burns but - Mr. B would have done the dishes while making a big fuss over how great he was for doing so.

I told another friend about a scenario in which McTwitchy was not only a good sport, but calm and cool and practical. All the while, showing me concern and affection.
When the comparison to Mr. Burns came up she said, "Mr. Burns prepared you for McTwitchy."

Oh my! Did he!
My instant response, "Yes! So that I could appreciate McTwitchy all the more."

He's sweet, and calm. Affectionate and kind. Thoughtful if not a little scattered. (that's okay) He's stressed and vulnerable but man enough to share his worries with me, knowing that I'm not judging him.
He's funny and thinks I'm funny too. He thinks I'm beautiful. He thinks I'm wonderful. He thinks I look like a model!! Ha!
He is himself with me, and I with him. I really like who he is.

And as I'm about to enter Smug Relationship Mode - I am bolstered by the song I discovered only a couple years ago when I first discovered the group Selah. This song became my inspiration to carry on with finding love.

Bless the Broken Road

The specific lines:
Every long lost dream
Led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart
They were just Northern Stars
Pointing me on my way
Into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
and led me straight to you

The above link will take you to to listen to the song. Be patient and sit through the opening page - you don't have to sign up for anything!!

Thursday, July 22, 2010


I'm sure most people are sick of it... but just after my final break-up with Mr. B - that Michael Buble song was just released.

I loved the catchy tune and the hopeful message that someone is just around around the corner - I Just Haven't Met You Yet. World's cutest video too BTW.

It was good for me. (Just like after the first break-up, Beyonce helped me out with Single Ladies!!)

I met McTwitchy pretty quickly after I was suddenly single and I was very surprised at how much I liked him. I even told him that I hadn't expected to like him. That of course was very confusing to him. Some things are better left unsaid!

As a girl, I sometimes look for meaning in things that really have no connection to anything. Can you relate? So, when every time I thought about McTwitchy - the Buble song came on (despite the reality that it was just horrendously over-played) I wondered if it meant that I had met the guy... or maybe he's NOT the guy for me and I haven't met him yet?!

Oh my. What's a girl to do?
I decided it didn't mean anything. After all the song is in heavy rotation to the point of ridiculous. I even said a prayer telling God that if He's trying to give me any signs... please don't do it through that song! I'm too confused.

Then McTwitchy and I went our separate ways ( decided maybe that was God's sign!) and I decided I still liked the song.
Finally, it decreased in rotation. I only heard it about once a day instead of seven!

So I thought it was funny when I went out with McTwitchy after two months separation... and a couple hours into our date, I Just Haven't Met You Yet suddenly blared over the Pub speakers. It was my turn to talk - and I couldn't even concentrate because each lyric just rolled around in my head!
It brought a huge smile to my face, which brought a smile to McTwitchy's face even though he didn't know why.

I'm not assigning any meaning to it.
I just thought it was cute.

Monday, July 19, 2010


Everyone deserves a second chance.
A very rare few deserve a third.

It's not the first time this has happened.
Not the first time that I've dated a guy and it ends, only to have the guy turn up later... usually within a month or two, asking to try again.

I actually counted on my fingers (because I am mathematically challenged) ... five times in the past 17 years of dating. (I'm not counting all of my years of dating - because I'm starting with the first time it happened)

First when I was about 23 or 24. It wasn't that we didn't like each other. It was more that we liked each other plenty and it was difficult to remain chaste. The nice Christian guy told me that he realized he didn't know what he had until I was gone.
I was young and inexperienced at dating... and I couldn't get passed the idea that I had just spent a month or so conditioning myself not to like him. He didn't get a second chance. (My mom scolded me for that one.)

The next time I was 30. It was The Caveman (whose nick name comes from his outdoorsy, hunting nature and desire for solitude -NOT- any particular political ideas.). He was obviously a country mouse and I am a city mouse. He offered to change. I told him he shouldn't have to change. He should find someone who loves all those things about him. I'm quite certain he did.

Then came John-with-two-dogs. Our relationship never really got off the ground to begin with. He loved golf and his two dogs more than any woman. His call really did come from out of the blue. Could he try again? By this time I thought perhaps I made hasty decisions with the first two guys that asked for a second chance -- so John-with-two-dogs got a second chance. It ended awkwardly.

Then of course Mr. Burns.

Now McTwitchy.

So I wonder... does this suggest that I'm a good catch, a fun girl, who is hard to appreciate the first time around? Or does it suggest that I'm difficult to begin with? That I'm simply unforgettable?
Who knows!?

I could learn from those past experiences and I believe I have.
I could worry that it won't work with McTwitchy. But I have confidence in this one.

McTwitchy tells me he knew he couldn't spend the sort of time with me that I indicated I would like. He was going to be traveling frequently for one aspect of his work.
In his words, "I can't date her if I'm not even going to be here."

Now that I know how much he actually was gone - he was right. I may have been very frustrated. I probably would have gotten fed up and given up on him.

So maybe it's good that we got the break.
It was enough for him to know that he really did miss me. That he really does like me.
And it was good for me to see that I actually like him for being McTwitchy ... and not just because he was a nice, Catholic guy whom I found attractive - immediately after the Mr. Burns Breakup Part II.

Now we both know and appreciate how comfortable our little relationship is.
I knew it in May. He figured it out in July.

The BIG question is how this time/availability issue is going to work out.
I'm smart enough to know I can't expect him to change.
But being secure about how he feels about me - I can have more patience - and he can have more confidence.

We shall see!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Dear Pablo,

End of discussion.

Homosexuality may be a sin. But the bottom line is, God still doesn't hate gay people. No way. No how.

If you can't get used to the idea - you'd better get used to the heat. It will be very warm where you're going.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Something Special

So it was nearly out of the blue.
As I sat in my parents living room, enjoying the wonder of satellite TV, after Mom and Dad both were gone to bed - modern technology brought me a greeting from someone in my past.

Text: How was my holiday weekend thus far?
I wondered why he chose just then to check in on me. I explained that I had rushed home for a family funeral, and that the big holiday would be spent in the car driving across a state and a half to return.

We exchanged a few more kind and welcome messages. He explained that he had left me a voice mail. Due to the rural nature of my parent's locale, somehow I was getting texts but not phone service. Hmm? I explained that I'd have to check it when service improved.

The next day, I packed up the car and set off for home.
Now my consciousness was flecked with thoughts of this charming man - wondering why he was contacting me and what it might mean. Telling myself it's probably nothing. He's just kind and friendly.

Finally, the voice mail came through - he explained that he was at holiday BBQ and encountered someone who looked so much like me that he felt compelled to reach out to me while still at that party!
Wait. That's interesting.
More wandering thoughts. Efforts to keep such thoughts in check.
No TRS, you are probably destined to be alone. Don't let yourself desire anything. You could just get hurt again.

I thought of my friends who are currently planning their wedding.
How my friend's fiancee once leaned over to share his thoughts with me as she worked in the kitchen one day. He whispered to me, "Isn't she fantastic?"
She was just getting utensils out of a drawer and he was overwhelmed by God's creation of her, and his appreciation of all she has to offer him. Her heart, her soul, her mind and yeah, probably her body too!
Isn't that want we all want? The one man who thinks you are the most amazing creature God created? Who feels so lucky to call you his own.
One of those things that feels impossible. But then you see it in others - so it must be.

Once I was home, he contacted me with some urgency - saying he'd really like to see me before he leaves town for a few weeks - but would understand if I didn't want to.

Of course I wanted to see McTwitchy!
Of course I also had some trepidation. I remembered a conversation we had months ago about him meeting a previous ex for dinner - and it didn't amount to anything, just friends.
Is that all he is up to?
Did he just want to be friends? He could be that guy, but I doubt it.

My thoughts were peppered with cautions. See him but keep your guard up. Hear him out. What could he possibly have to say? Don't even think about kissing him.

We agreed he could pick me up and we'd go get a drink.
I stood outside waiting for him because I wasn't going to let him inside.
He parked his car - which I thought was odd since I was already in the street - he didn't have to park.

His tall, thin frame stepped out of the car and enveloped me. He was draped over me. Wrapping me up as though his body were a quilt. I nearly disappeared.

Once we were at our table, he acknowledged that hearing from him must have seemed as if out of the blue - and that he feared I would have no interest in seeing him.

I said, "No, I wasn't that surprised. I knew I'd hear from you again."
He smiled. "You did?"
"Yes. I thought, he's going to figure out that was a dumb move."

As we talked, the guard I had carefully constructed crumbled down. Within minutes, we were both in comfortable territory.

I remembered how much I like him. But I sat across from him, still wondering what this meeting was all about. I wanted to ask him about his intentions but I couldn't offer such a cliche.

He explained that he had been thinking about me often, then when he saw this woman who resembled me - he knew it was a sign - even if I rejected him outright, he had to get in touch with me. He had to know.
"So she looked just like me?"
"Oh yeah. She was HOT!" he said in a way only he can get away with, assuredly giving me the compliment.

I won't go into excruciating detail - but he missed me. So very much. So convincingly. I am confident of that.
He shared some vulnerability. I was awed.
And I felt - as we talked, as we sat just looking at one another - that the affection I feel for him is returned, at least in kind. Maybe more. Always was.

Is that what it feels like? Is that what the thought, "Isn't she fantastic?" feels like when it is aimed at you and you alone?

I think I know.

We haven't determined if we are going to officially see each other again. But the door is open, and I'm tempted to kick it off it's hinges!

Saturday, July 10, 2010

A Bright Shining Example

This recent hiatus was brought to you by the death of a dear family member.

We lost my dear, sweet uncle last week.
He and my aunt were married for 54 years and had seven children. They were still very much in love and did everything together - right down to the grocery shopping!

It was a blessing that he died suddenly and without warning.

They were the sort of couple most of us hope to become. Always smiling. Always happy to see you. They prayed the rosary together every single day of their marriage - never missed Mass. They turned to God to teach them how to love, and hoo boy did they reflect God's love!!!

I told my aunt how I was so happy that she had nearly 55 years with the love of her life, and how I wished I could find a love so sweet and solid. That if I got married tomorrow I could only hope for 50 beautiful years together!

In her adorable way she told me, "Well, I keep waiting for an invitation!"
She believes I'll find it. She has hope because she's been there. She's seen love and felt love. She wants that for me.

This all caused me to reflect... that it just seems so impossible.
Thinking about their 50 years together and the 40 years I've spent on this earth alone... well I'm just exhausted. Seriously exhausted.

I have wanted a partner, a teammate for so long.
My existence is less fulfilling to me (to ME! - not saying this is true for all singles) because I have no one to do my best for. To do for. (and yes, once things settle down in my world - on the job front and other craziness , I plan to seek a good volunteer opportunity. I've not had the energy to do that lately.)

I cried on the shoulder of another of my many cousins. All my cousins are married. Their children are married even. While it was good to be around them, it was also hard because I felt so left behind.
So very left behind.
I was a mess.

Now I'm not saying that I only thought of myself during the time meant to mourn my uncle. It's just that when one life ends - you think about how to live your own life best. And I just can't figure it out.

I spent the rest of the week with my parents. Dad suggested that once he's gone, if I'm not married I can just move back and take care of mom. Which I am happy to do of course... but it was a knife in my gut thinking that my dad doesn't expect me to have a life of my own. Ouch.
That I can just leave everything and everyone that I have built around me - as if it doesn't matter.

I stewed in that for a while. That bitter stew.
I was not looking forward to the 10 hour drive back to my world that doesn't matter.

But something lifted me out.
A glimmer of hope. A glimmer that I thought I might be foolish to allow to light the path. It's probably just a whim. Don't trust it. Don't get excited. Proceed with caution...

but I am excited.

more on that later...

Monday, June 28, 2010

Red Flags - SST At Your Service

Ladies. It's time for some words of wisdom - take it or leave it - from the wise old lady here. (that would be me)
Now, I recognize that my wisdom is limited in that I've been dating a long time and still haven't found my best friend and lover... but the years have taught when to invest my time and energy and when to just cut bait.

Most of today's advice centers on what to avoid in online dating pursuits. Perhaps I'll share my own 'He's just not into you' rules for traditional dating, another time.

So here goes. Single Solitary Advice for online 'dating'. ( if there are any men peeking in - there's a thing or two to learn here for you too!)

Let's start with the profiles.

Just like the advice for poison ivy- leaves of three, let it be... if these three things are present, don't even engage him!
1. His photos obscure his face, either in shadows, by distance or with something sporty like ski goggles, motorcycle helmets etc. ~ this is a sure sign that he's not available. He's cheating on someone and is hoping not to be identified.

2. His only photo is a shot of his well-carved chest and abdominal muscles. Yes, they're nice - rock hard - and we do appreciate them. ~He's telling you this is all he has to offer - or - all he's willing to offer. He's just looking for someone who thinks he's hot and will get on her back in short order.

3. All of his pictures are self-portraits, taken in either the bathroom mirror or a mirror of some sort. This indicates two things. A) he's not really taking online dating seriously enough to make an effort. He's not going to put forth effort with you either. B) He may not have any friends... he hasn't been to a wedding or any social event in more than 2 years?! How else do you explain having NO photos of yourself taken by someone else? He can't even ask a neighbor kid to take his picture in the yard? If he has his shirt off in these self-portraits... run -don't walk- away.

Now, some may argue that these are all circumstantial. And that could be true. Use your own judgment on one or two of these red flags. But trust me, if all three are present - you don't want to go there.

Next up, red flag behaviors.

You've gotten to know one another on the dating site and now it's time to meet. You exchange phone numbers and it's time to make a plan...
1. If he only texts and never actually calls you. AND you get a yuck feeling from his choice of words and abbreviations. For example, one guy in his texts addressed me as QT. An abbreviation for cutie to be sure... but ... um ...NO! I am not 15 years old. That's just icky. Plus, my profile indicates that I'm a journalist... know your audience!!

2. He's asking you to come to his area of town for a first meeting/date... rather than coming to you. Say... NO! You are worth the trip and if he's serious about dating he needs to make this effort. At the very least, he should agree to meet at a mid-point. The red flag is ... if he's asking you to come to him... he's trying to get you home. If you decide to go anyway, make sure you never lose sight of your drink. Befriend the bartender.

3. If after numerous texts and/ or phone calls, he still hasn't established WHERE to meet at least 12 hours in advance of the date... you NO go. Again, if he's serious about dating, and he's a gentleman - he's not going to let this happen. You are a prize. You are a busy woman. You deserve firm, well-thought out plans even if you have to make them yourself. If he's still up in the air with less than 12 hours on the clock - he's not worth it.
These tips are not all inclusive. But based on experience - you can't go wrong by following this advice. You may think it's unfair to knock someone out of the running on one or two of these behaviors... but if you overlook them ... do a favor and let me know how it turns out.

My gut is well-educated. And here for your service.

Men, if you dispute my findings - I can respect that - but this is a learning experience. If you do any of these things... these are the conclusions women will draw. These are points on which you can easily accommodate us, rather than the other way around.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Sticking It Out

When I started this blog, it was intended, in part, to be a place for me to record my dating stories. I was convinced that I could write a book about my misfortunes and occasional/ rare great dates. Many friends agreed.

Then I met someone, and it didn't seem right to focus on the past. As you know, that's over so here goes.

To date, I have shared memories about one favorite.
On my mind today, the one who actually wanted to marry me - but my gut warned me that would be a heartbreaking move.

We shall refer to this man by his nickname acquired post-breakup. More on that another time.

Introducing, the Cave Man:

I met him one night when my friends insisted on going to a certain dance bar that I hated. I obliged them once a year. That night, as I hovered at the edge of the dance floor - he approached. Tall, thin, fair and with a goatee. Not my type, but dancing is better than purse patrol so I agreed.

He was nice. At the end of the night, I gave him my business card which identified me as a local news reporter. He responded properly, appropriately impressed but not too much so. Which impressed me.

We ended up dating regularly. He lived outside of the city, on a government land preserve. The house was one of the benefits of his job, he had to live on the land. (sort of a naturalist, think Game, Fish & Parks.) He was an outdoors man. He loved nature. I respected that, having grown up on a working ranch. He was a hunter too, like my dad - so I was okay with that too.

I, on the other hand, had been itching to leave the farmland from the age of five. I loved living in the city. From my apartment, I could see the lights from Downtown. At the time, they were constructing the tallest building in town, and I could see the lights from the cranes while lying in bed at night. It was good to feel a part of something bigger than myself.

Cave Man on the other hand loved solitude. He once told me that his ideal job position would be on the land preserve at Fish Springs, Utah (or Idaho - I don't remember) The greatest appeal to him, was that the property was 100 miles from getting your mail, and 200 miles from anything else. "Doesn't that sound great?"

"Actually, that sounds like hell to me."

One night as we smooched on my couch, he said, "If we lived in Fish Springs, this is all we would have to do for 9 months out of the year."

Well, that did sound nice. But still.

I met his parents. His mom loved me. She watched the news every night just to see me! His dad had recently had a stroke, which left the brilliant, witty man with too few words to express his thoughts.
The Cave Man treated them both with great respect, especially his dad, because he knew how frustrated he was in his limited capacity.

The Cave Man told me that just before we met, he learned that he had a brother and sister from his dad's first marriage. When I asked about them, he said, "You don't understand, they're not really my brother and sister. I just met them. They're from another life."

Over time, it came out that the brother had either Cerebral Palsy or Down Syndrome. The first wife was described as 'crazy'. Bi-polar I think.
Cave Man shared this as justification that it was too much for his dad to deal with. He had to leave. They got divorced and he met Cave Man's mom.
Happily ever after.

That didn't sit right with me.
Was Cave Man okay with the fact that his dad had abandoned his first family? To the point that CM didn't even know about them until he was nearly 30?

When I met his parents, I also met other relatives. The cousins he's known all his life. One of whom had Down Syndrome and was just starting to live on his own with limited success. Everyone treated him with great respect as well.

Here's something you don't know about me: In my 20s, every time I met a Downs child, I felt God nudge me, saying "If you have children TRS, you will have a child like this."

It didn't exactly worry me, but it didn't thrill me either. But I knew that I would not even have those tests during pregnancy that reveal any possible deformities or diseases. My husband and I would love any child God gave us.

So one night, I shared this feeling with CM. I only got as far as describing the nudge when he said, "But TRS, they can test for that before you have the baby."
Yes. And then?
He got the point that I would be against terminating a pregnancy, and headed off my objections by saying, "We couldn't raise a Down Syndrome child. I don't make enough money for that. I know because I know what my aunt and uncle have been through raising ___."

My heart was stuck in my throat. Here he was, potentially the carrier of the genes he would so easily reject.

Combined with the fact that he had no problem with his dad abandoning a family - I had no confidence that CM would stick around if things got tough.
That was the beginning of the end.

We ended up dating for about six months. He told me that he could definitely see us married... in about three years. (I always wondered why three years? If you knew you wanted to marry someone why would you put it off?)

I'm the one who initiated the break-up. That night, he asked if it was the conversation about my nudge that sealed it.

There were more indications that we weren't compatible for life. It may not be fair, but I assumed he wouldn't be reliable in that situation... and that was an indication that he might not be reliable in many other ways.

The one thing I do regret... is that I wasn't mature enough to really talk about it with him. I wish I'd had the guts to ask him if he was really okay with the way his dad left his first family.

But I think my gut was right.

P.S. I read this blog post tonight which reminded me of this experience. Serious food for thought.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Just One Day Older

Hi Bloggy friends!

I'm writing this at the very end of my 40th birthday.
For all the dread... it was pretty great.
I had the entire day off. Slept in. Got a half hour massage. A nap. A pedicure. Spent a great deal of time working to make my hair pretty. It worked.

Then I met my girlfriends for dinner. Such a great group of women...friends gleaned from different areas of my life... all meld together into a pretty cohesive group.
And all with something obviously up their collective sleeves. I could sense it!

About a week ago I started to suspect that Kikr was going to fly in from San Francisco to surprise me. I didn't let on to anyone planning my birthday dinner... because I didn't want to ruin the fun of the surprise.
I knew I wouldn't be disappointed if she didn't make it... but SO very excited if she did.

See, a couple months ago Kikr had asked for the email addresses of my closest friends in Denver. I complied. She's pretty sneaky, but the only way to get that info was to just ask me for it!

Later, in phone conversations she mentioned the last names of some friends I was talking about, that she has not met. So I knew she was in cahoots.

When I was in the depths of grieving my 40th birthday (remember that? Glad I got through that early.) and bemoaning the fact that I wasn't going to get my wish of having all my girlfriends who are scattered throughout the country, together on my birthday - one of my Denver friends assured me that my birthday was going to be great. She gave me that knowing look.

So finally, last week I guessed that Kikr was going to fly in!
A few more conversations with her and it was clear she wasn't.
But of course I tucked that in the back of my mind and thought... "Well, that's the story for now. We'll see what happens."

Tonight, there was dinner... drinks... beautiful wonderful friends. And gifts! Oh... at this age that is awkward. I don't expect gifts, but I sure do love them.

My girls had ideas about the order the gifts should be opened. So funny.
There was lovely bath wash, a fantastic necklace that you all will have to pry off of me when I'm dead... gift cards, Bacon flavored Chocolate (because bacon is nature's candy) and then the gift that was saved for last.
This lovely box. A treasure chest.
The moment I saw it, I knew Kikr was behind it. I cried before I even opened the box!

Inside, she had had my Denver friends collect and print out little notes describing 40 things that everyone loves about me.

Would it be too indulgent to share? Yes? Oh well.
"Her welcoming and innocent smile."
"Her honest, friendly opinion when you need it."
"How she writes emails just like she talks."
"She is a kind soul."
"Dependable in times of crisis."
"A true friend."
"Her 'Fashion Intervention' emails."
"When she finds something funny, she laughs with all her soul and things "get loud"."
And so on.
Each sentiment had the name of the person who shared it on the back. I shall treasure it always.

I am so very blessed.
It is a wonder to think that I might actually deserve these amazing people in my life.
God's blessings outweigh all of the good we try to put into the world.
So very blessed!

I also got a sweet text from McTwitchy (I know!) and a card in the mail from Mr. Burns!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

The Hope Chest

When I was in college, one Christmas my parents presented both my sister-in-law and I with identical handmade cedar-lined hope chests.

Mom had asked a man in our church parish, known for his woodworking, to make them. I knew she was excited about them - it was the sort of thing she had always wanted.

I was still in college and so we agreed that my parents would keep my hope chest in my bedroom at home until I had enough space to have it in my own home.

Since then, I have moved several times. Always to a small apartment, with a small bedroom and no space for the chest that measures about 50 inches long.
My mom has been disappointed, as she really wanted me to have it.
She also senses that the style of the chest just really isn't my style. I don't really want it. I sort of had it in my mind that I would just hand it down to my oldest niece... so that she and her sister will have matching chests (the younger sister would get their mother's).

I also thought that when I had a house one day, it would go in the guest room to store my memories and treasures.

But I still don't have that house.

The point of a hope chest in my mother's day, was for a young woman to store the little lovelies she had collected to set up house with her intended. A place to keep the needlepoint she'd learned to stitch, the quilt she made with fabric scraps... maybe some flatware and silver ware. Then later to store her wedding gown so she could hand it down to her daughter.

It wasn't meant for a 40 year old woman to stuff full of things in case she one day finally gets married. In our day and age, that would be considered pathetic.

And over the 20 years from when a young lady is issued her hope chest, to when she realizes she'll never need it - her taste would change anyway! Those items were intended to be home starters... to be implemented within 5 years, assuming she didn't become an old maid.

This week, I've been thinking about my hope chest. How it ought to go straight to my niece now, because she is in that stage of life, starting out on her own.
Thinking about how it may never end up in my own home.

Then it occurred to me - that the man who made it - worked for hours planing and sanding wood, joining corners and screwing in hinges - who is long since deceased.... quite likely prayed over that project. He knew my parents. He watched me grow, Sunday after Sunday in Mass. Perhaps he prayed for a happy life, blessings of children and family - for warm blankets and abundant food for my family.

Like my parents, it never occurred to him that I would spend my life alone.

Still, I shall imagine him praying over the construction of that chest and know that no prayer - even those unanswered- is ever wasted.

Sunday, June 06, 2010

Pretty is as Pretty Does

Hello Bloggy Friends!
You all are so sweet. I hadn't realized it had been almost two weeks since checking in here.

There has been some epic crap going on in my life and I have been licking my wounds. I don't want to get into it all here - but seriously - EPIC.

But then this weekend, a few bright spots. Me, the girl who is a disaster at flirting has had some successful moments and really, that's all it takes to get the old confidence back.

After some disappointing efforts with online dating... the type of circumstances that make you want to just give up all together, there are some interesting prospects.

Even better, men emerge in real life. How about that?
A handsome man came into the studio for business portraits, and my adorable co-worker (who I just want to put in my pocket so as to have constant access to her wit) said, "TRS, do you want to take this one?"
Why yes. I do!

He started flirting at square one... and while that could be awkward, this flirtation was welcome. There was a mutual attraction, mutual flirtation - and dare I say mutual admiration. Now Adorable Co-Worker is trying to figure out how to give him my number when he comes back to pick up his CD!

Then as I was about to leave a party on Saturday night, the hostess introduced me to a friend of hers. Cute, fit and funny - when he told me he was a Chiropractor I had to resist the urge to announce... "Hey, I need to marry a Chiropractor so I can have daily adjustments!" (Seriously, my back is jacked up!) Instead, I engaged him in witty banter, up until the point he announced that he was a little buzzed on his beer - and I concurred due to the fact that he had just begun using profanities to woo me! I left without giving him my number.

Then tonight, I had a first time meeting with an online suitor. I wasn't terribly excited about him but agreed to meet him to speed up the elimination process. I actually came at it from the attitude of, "I'll give him a chance." which turned out to be further proof to follow my gut instincts.

Let's call him Vincent. (not his real name) Vincent texted me to say he wanted to take me out to dinner. I suggested Sunday night after work. Over the next 25 texts ... he proposed that I drive to his neighborhood (mistake #1) where there is indeed a wide selection of restaurants. But let's face it... if he's not going to travel to the woman's vicinity for the first date, it's a bad sign. Not very gentlemanly... then, he proceeded to suggest a number of different establishments without settling on one. ... I had to inquire twice about what time we would meet.

As I left my ... ahem... centrally located residence.... I texted that I was heading to the area we agreed upon but still didn't know where we were meeting. I seriously considered going back home based on the fact that we didn't have a firm plan. I continued. (Mistake #2)

I arrived at the neighborhood... one of those new urban/ suburban neighborhood centers... and still didn't know which restaurant to go to. I wandered around just to see what was all there. I spotted an Indian restaurant (a favorite) and went to read the menu posted on the window.
Within seconds, a waiter stepped out the door to point out a mama duck who was nesting in the planter near the door... and warned that she was calm but protective. He invited me inside to read their menu and avoid aggravating the mama duck.

The waiter was very friendly and kind so I confided about my strange date who has yet to tell me where to meet him. Waiter suggested that I have a drink at their bar and then tell Vincent, when he texts, that I'm content with a drink, come find me.
I liked that plan and did so.

A few texts later, Vincent finds me. He is loud. Very loud. I mean, I am a loud girl myself and I found it off-putting!! Vincent has a few beers and starts stroking my arm. I skooch to the other edge of my bar stool.

Vincent visits the bathroom and Waiter checks in on me. I share that he's not my type, but nice enough.

Vincent returns and displays a lack of sophistication that would shame a 15 year old boy. Continues stroking my arm, making me want to boil it when I get home.
He starts touching my leg.

Vincent visits the bathroom again and Waiter, who we learn is 22 years old and 20 times more mature and charming than my Internet date, checks in on me again. I share that Vincent needs to stop touching me.

Vincent returns and Waiter engages us both in conversation, making the rest of the evening much more enjoyable for me! Waiter leaves us alone long enough for Vincent to tell me about his brief stint in prison.
Yeah. Prison.

We finish our meal and we get up to part.
Vincent says, "I get the feeling you're not real touchy-feely but how about a hug?"
"Thanks I'd rather not."
Without another word, he tosses his arms in the air and retreats to the bathroom again.
I call after him, "Thanks for dinner!" and high-tail it out of there... thanking Waiter for his excellent wing man skills. Waiter offers to walk me to my car. (I decline)

When I get home, I find this final text from creepy Vincent:
"Hey, I'm really sorry for whatever happened to you but loose my number and get a toothe whitener"
spelling genius, His.

Dude. You spent time in prison and the issue here is MY TEETH?
Yes, they are discolored due to the prescription of Tetracycline for Croup when I was a baby. Most people just comment on my beautiful smile.

Yep, prime example of available men out there... just waiting for a woman like me. No wait... rejecting a woman like me! Har Har!

I'm kinda hoping Adorable Co-Worker pulls through on the business photo guy for me! I'm planning to introduce her to Waiter.

And yes, I washed my arm with soap when I got home.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


Better now.
Not 100% better but I'm feeling happier and able to function.

The words of my bloggy friend Genevra helped. She helped me to identify what I was really feeling, which was grief.

As she wrote in a post comment:
Your posts of late have struck me as someone who is in the grieving process, just not for someone who has actually died. More of a dream and/or expectation of how your life was suppose to have turned out by the time you were the age you are fast approaching.

Grieving the deaths of hopes and dreams is just hard as grieving the passing of a person, in my opinion. Maybe harder, because people can concretely understand how it feels or must feel to have someone you love die. I think it is harder when it is not a concrete thing.
I had begun to identify that myself when I thought that if I were widowed, others would acknowledge my loss. If I were dealing with a divorce, others would surround me with support. If I had lost a child, my friends would cry with me. But because I am grieving the loss of something I have never had... most people can't see that big gaping hole.

Thank you Genevra for giving me permission to grieve. Quoting Caroline Myss, she wrote:
"... sometimes the greatest gift another human being could give another was to just sit with them through their grief...."

I'll sit with you.
What a friend!

The other thing that irked me was the anonymous comment saying she had removed me from her RSS feed based on my posts the past few weeks.

That stung, because she indicated that a friend of mine had first shared my blog with her... and because less than a handful of my friends even know about my blog I guessed that the person she was referring to is the same friend who abandoned me when things got great for her and really tough for me.
When I went through a rather glamorous phase of life, she was bragging about me in a "That's my friend!" sort of way. Expressing her envy of a lifestyle that looked more glamorous than it was... but when the ride was over and I hit the ground... she hit the road. (The link above is the beginning of that story. Someday I'll share the rest of it. It isn't pretty and it hurts. This bitter post was in response to her truth.) So here this stranger was following the same pattern as this hurtful friend. I hope they have a great time together!

Anyway, it brought all those hurtful feelings back (clearly, when that was the LAST thing I needed!!!) and when I think of Miss Anonymous I see the face of that fair-weather friend and it makes my guts hurt.

Bottom-line, why did Anonymous tell me that she removed me from her feed, other than to be hurtful? Why not just remove it and move on? I mean, I don't care if I have readers or not (mostly - of course it's nice to have comments and of course I check for them!) I have not monetized my blog, I don't check my stats... I don't even know how to do. So the only motivation for Anonymous to point out that she removed mine from her feed was a virtual slap in the face.

And who needs friends like that?!

I know I'd be the bigger person if I didn't even acknowledge Anonymous... but the truth is, I'm not that big.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Yeah... okay

Yeah... okay I'm feeling a little bitter lately.
Give me a few days. I'll get back to normal.

Just keep in mind that you don't know all that is going on in my life. That has gone on in my life. That which I do without. That which I have sacrificed. That which I put up with.

You have not walked in my shoes. You are not the one who cries with my parents. You do not have my family, or my past or my experiences. Nor do I know all your circumstances.

I will say, I have sacrificed plenty. I have been the victim of other people's whims. Right now, a dear friend of mine is feeling the painful results of some childish people's whims... and I am working to hold her up as she goes through it. As a result, some of my dust has become unsettled as well.

I am feeling bad about spouting off the past few days... but not bad enough to take my posts down.

Some people (who call themselves Anonymous... oh the bravery!) have pointed out that I'm no fun now that I'm in pain. Well boo-hoo.

If you can stick by me... know that I will stick by you when you are dredging through murky waters. In fact, I will even if you won't.

Blessings! I love my bloggy friends.

Don't Tell Me How to Feel

I have a lot of people telling me that I shouldn't feel this way. Mostly in real life.

I guess they see that I'm a generally happy person, that I have lots of friends who love me, they tell me I'm beautiful and that I don't look 40 (as if that changes anything), and that I'm successful in that I've fully supported myself all these years, own my own home... that sort of jazz.

I think it has a lot to do with my unemployment struggles lately. I just hate that there is no work for me and it makes me feel like a failure. A failure even though mostly, I just picked a career field that is A) volatile B) changing and C) no longer valued.

But it is humiliating to me to be single and unemployable.
That translates to all kinds of unwanted.

Employers don't want me? Fine. I'll go home and raise babies. Oh wait, I don't have any. I don't have a husband, and no I'm not having one on my own because guess what... I can barely support myself!!

Yes, I know that being married doesn't validate a person. That it's not all rainbows and sunsets and hot sex.

The bottom line is, I want to share my life. I want a partner. A teammate.
I am so over coming home to an empty house.
I am so over everything I do, on a daily basis... getting groceries, putting gas in the car, earning a paycheck... is done for me.
I am so over my own needs and wants.
I want to share.

Don't tell me I shouldn't feel this way. God made us to want to share our lives.
It's natural. It's Christ-like.

Yes, in a little way... as the kid who wasn't popular in school, who never scored the best grades, who didn't grow into her looks until after college... I sort of feel like I'm proving everybody right on their first impressions that I would never amount to anything.

I say that... but I know that I am deeply and passionately loved by God. I know that. I feel that.
I just also want to feel arms around me at home.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


I spend a lot of time lately explaining to God how He's not playing fair.

If you haven't guessed, McTwitchy is out of the picture.
After he told me that he was concerned he might not be available enough to me... we had a talk about what availability looked like.
From his point of view... he couldn't answer because he finds that his time is unpredictable. So he asked what it would look like to me.
Going out once on the weekends
A phone conversation sometime during the week
Meeting up sometime during the week for a walk or a bike ride / activity
When I got to the third item, I saw him flinch. I was asking too much of him.

Already, we were going an entire week between seeing one another, and when I said so he felt a bit attacked. He actually said he thinks he should find someone who doesn't want to spend as much time with him.

Yes. I thought that was the dumbest thing I've ever heard!
How do you find someone with whom you connect, have great chemistry, enjoy each other's company and conversation, feel attraction ... and wish to spend less time with them?

He chooses to be single and I told him so.

Maybe I do expect too much too soon. But I really think, at our age (approaching 40 and 40+ ) if you are looking for a relationship... six weeks in you probably want to spend time together. Six weeks is where you decide, "I like this person. I want to know more" or not.
I would say it's different if you're 20-25. At that age, it might be a bit overbearing.

But I've already spent my whole life alone. It's time to get on with it. Why wait? The sooner we spend time together, the sooner we figure out if we WANT to spend time together... maybe a life together. It will become obvious very soon if we don't want to!!

Bottom line... I think the right man for me will be the guy who wants to spend time with me. Who wants me to feel special. And I him.

I'm not exactly sure that man exists... but if he did, he would be the one for me.

The remainder of the equation is that ... this is dating at 40. If a man is 40 and single it is because he chose to put other things (work, play, hunting, nintendo, gambling, drinking ...) ahead of making time with someone special.

I am aware that the same could be said for me.
In my 20s, my career was definitely ahead of the men I met. But I'm over that now... and a man should be too. Now is the time for him to be established and unafraid of sharing his life.

My friend told me yesterday that I am single by choice.
That I've broken up with as many men as have broken up with me. That's probably true.
But what is also true is... I've never dated a man who wanted to be with me more than he wanted to do anything else.

Okay, maybe there were two guys who did... but the rest of their values didn't really match up with mine.

So here I am... weeks away from 40 - and I've never been truly loved. I've never been with someone who wants to share life with me.
There were two, maybe three guys who thought about marrying me - but none of them asked.
And I'm officially an old maid. Just as damaged as the men I'm meeting and will meet from here on out.

I truly don't understand why God wants me to be alone.
He did not make us to live life alone.

My widowed, church pew sharing friend told me, "God asks, 'Why are you lonely? You have Me."
While I do believe God wants us to turn to Him and allow Him to fill us up, and fill all our needs... I still think what she said is phooey... If God expected us to fill our lives ONLY with Him, He would not have made Eve for Adam. God intended for us to share our lives - for that is how we experience His love.

I can only think that I am going about this life thing... totally wrong.
I am crying frequently.

For the record; I'm not crying about McTwitchy. Not one tear for him. I'm just so sad that I'm still so alone. The tears are for my loneliness. Surrounded by friends or not, I'm lonely.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Speaking of Helping People Get What They Need

I get my work schedule for next week today. (for the part-time job that supplements unemployment) Next week starts on Sunday. It's pretty lousy to have such short notice about your Sunday plans.

I usually have to work on Sundays. The manager is kind enough to schedule me after I can attend Mass.
This Sunday there are two events that I'd like to attend instead of work. When I asked the manager if I could get Sunday off, he said I'd have to find someone from another store to fill in - because our staff is too small to fill the gap. So basically, I'm scheduled unless I find someone to cover.

I'll be making phone calls this afternoon but I don't have high hopes. I anticipate hearing excuses like, "That's my only day with my family." and I respect that.

I want to say, "I understand, but I'm single and I have no one. I spend my free time during the week alone because all the other grown-ups are at work. Then on the weekends, I have to work. This would be the first Sunday in 5 months that I can socialize."

Really, it's only 5 hours that they won't have with their family. They'll see them when they get home and they will still love them. They still get to tuck their kids into bed, and go to bed with their spouse.

For me... it's five hours that I get to spend with someone who isn't me... and isn't a customer. Possibly meet my future husband!

Wish me luck! I have a feeling I'll still be working on Sunday.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Little Things

I have a friend who is going through a very rough time.
Relationships are ending as babies are being born and it is entirely overwhelming for her. We have an understanding right now. When she calls, I answer.

In fact, one day I was on the phone with my friend in D.C. when this friend called. I let it go to voicemail. Then my land line rang and I let it go to voicemail too. Seconds later my cell rang again. I looked at my phone to see that it was this special friend and told my D.C. friend, "____ just rang for third time in a row. I need to see what it is. I'll call you back."

Next thing I knew, I was on my way to her house while I called my D.C. friend back saying, "If you tell a mother of two children under 20 months to call you if she needs anything... she will!"

I happily do what I can to help her. Incidentally, I am also Godmother to both of her children.
Sometimes I think that God arranged for me to be unemployed right now so that I can be available to help her through the toughest time of her life.

A couple weeks ago she confided in me that she felt broken. My heart ached for her.
I thought to send her an uplifting card for mother's day, considering her kids are too small to acknowledge the day. Then I thought it would be nice to get her other friends to do the same.
A mass email went out.
One friend offered to start a meal delivery schedule.
It was beautiful!

Today she called to thank me for that. She told me that the meals are much appreciated as she just can't make it grocery store more than once every 2 -3 weeks.

Then I felt shame. In fact the last time I was at the store I thought about her, thought about calling her... and did nothing.

"Okay sister, the next time I'm at the grocery store, I'm calling you. You need to tell people that!"

Because how hard is it to pick up a few more things and swing by her house? I know she'll write a check for me on the spot. It's a small favor.

I'm sharing this just as a small reminder to think about what the people in your life need.
Do you know an overwhelmed mom who could use a bag of groceries delivered to her house? How about an elderly, widowed man or woman who could use a ride to the grocery store and an hour's company?

It might seem like we can't fit these little favors in ... but we can. A quick call, "I'm heading to the store. Do you need anything or can I pick you up on the way?"

They may not even take you up on it - but just being asked lets them know they are thought of and cared for.

In fact, I'd like to make this some sort of a fixture in my church community. We don't do well enough to serve people around here.
It only takes a spark.

Monday, May 10, 2010

My Big Gaping Hole

I sent my mom a vibrant orange and fuchsia bouquet for Mother's Day. She seldom receives flowers, (dad's not the type) so I knew that would be a hit.

But I didn't get to see her. A quick phone call before she went to bed Saturday night in a different time zone and that was the extent of the festivities.

Then, I woke up Sunday morning and checked Faceb00k to find dozens of Mother's Day greetings between spouses... gratitude for children from all the mommies I know. It actually hurt my feelings.

You know, that punched-in-the-gut feeling, like when - at my last job - every time I looked out the window from my desk I saw stay-at-home-mommas pushing strollers past my office... and it felt like they were rubbing it in. "Look at me, I have everything you want. I husband, a house and babies. Neener, neener."

I made sure to toss a hanky in my purse as I left for church.

Cringing, I anticipated Fr. Awkward's standard Mother's Day homily.
He's sweet to include all women as Mothers... but it actually hurts more. Yes, I am given the gifts of motherhood. I have maternal tendencies which are a blessing from my creator. But that doesn't make up for the fact that I don't have children and probably never will. I prayed he wouldn't say it again.

Before Mass my regular pew-mate, a trim, beautiful and stylish 60-something widow, settled in next to me. "How are you?" she asked with genuine friendship. I could only shake my head and let the waterworks start. I explained that I was hurting because I so want a family. Even just a two-person family, me and a husband.

In an attempt to console she said, "That's not the only vocation."
Because I like her, I resisted socking her in the mouth.

I cried all through Mass.I cried for my eternal loneliness and for my friend's recent miscarriage - making this her first, sad Mother's Day. My hanky was soaked.

My widow friend leaned over and said, "Sometimes church is the loneliest place on Earth."
I nodded my agreement.

Then I went to work at the portrait studio to photograph other people's families - and a special session for a ripe, expectant mother - my specialty.I turned numb to keep from crying, so I was not my lively self.

Her husband asked if we were busy that day.
"Yes." I said, "It's Mother's Day. It's lousy."
"Are you a mother?" he asked.
"No." I replied, "That's why it's lousy."

His confused expression combined with his foreign accent told me he didn't understand. In his culture, you marry. You just do. He must have determined that I suffer from infertility.

The maternity session was my last appointment of the day. I went to my car and the tears flowed heavily. My cell phone rang and I squeaked a greeting. My friend heard my tears, and told me she was calling to see if I wanted to go for a walk. I squeaked out a yes and agreed to meet her at my place.

I know the Holy Spirit put me in her heart!! She came with flowers from her yard and a loving hug and just let me cry.It hurts that people just expect a person to be married with children. Like it just happens.
And that if I haven't done so - I must have chosen it.
I've heard people say they don't understand those that want a relationship... so... have a relationship! They say. What's so hard?

And I just don't know. Why is it hard for some of us? Why is it elusive when those who say such things just fall into it and don't understand why it doesn't work out for the rest of us?

Lord. That hurts. It suggests that there must be something wrong with me.

Once, while chatting with a young hairstylist as she fixed my hair for an event... she asked if I had children.
I said it with shock as if it must be obvious I don't have children. Don't you see the gaping hole? Don't you see the missing piece? It's so obvious to me. I can't believe you don't see it.

"Do you want children?"
Yes. Of course."
Then why haven't you had any?"
I'm not married.
Which I could tell in her life experience was no excuse. Women have babies all the time whether they want one or not.

Now, as I approach my 40th birthday - I wish I'd been more irresponsible.

What hurts the most is that people don't see my big gaping hole.

If I were a widow, they would acknowledge my loss. If I were going through an ugly divorce, they would offer help. If I lost a child, they would cry with me.

But because I have not lost - I am expected to buck up and not feel pain.

I am here to tell you - never having hurts as badly as losing.
It may hurt in a different way. But it hurts in the exact same place.

Photo credits: me :-)