Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Pffftttt!

I spend a lot of time lately explaining to God how He's not playing fair.

If you haven't guessed, McTwitchy is out of the picture.
After he told me that he was concerned he might not be available enough to me... we had a talk about what availability looked like.
From his point of view... he couldn't answer because he finds that his time is unpredictable. So he asked what it would look like to me.
Going out once on the weekends
A phone conversation sometime during the week
and
Meeting up sometime during the week for a walk or a bike ride / activity
When I got to the third item, I saw him flinch. I was asking too much of him.

Already, we were going an entire week between seeing one another, and when I said so he felt a bit attacked. He actually said he thinks he should find someone who doesn't want to spend as much time with him.

Yes. I thought that was the dumbest thing I've ever heard!
How do you find someone with whom you connect, have great chemistry, enjoy each other's company and conversation, feel attraction ... and wish to spend less time with them?

He chooses to be single and I told him so.

Maybe I do expect too much too soon. But I really think, at our age (approaching 40 and 40+ ) if you are looking for a relationship... six weeks in you probably want to spend time together. Six weeks is where you decide, "I like this person. I want to know more" or not.
I would say it's different if you're 20-25. At that age, it might be a bit overbearing.

But I've already spent my whole life alone. It's time to get on with it. Why wait? The sooner we spend time together, the sooner we figure out if we WANT to spend time together... maybe a life together. It will become obvious very soon if we don't want to!!

Bottom line... I think the right man for me will be the guy who wants to spend time with me. Who wants me to feel special. And I him.

I'm not exactly sure that man exists... but if he did, he would be the one for me.

The remainder of the equation is that ... this is dating at 40. If a man is 40 and single it is because he chose to put other things (work, play, hunting, nintendo, gambling, drinking ...) ahead of making time with someone special.

I am aware that the same could be said for me.
In my 20s, my career was definitely ahead of the men I met. But I'm over that now... and a man should be too. Now is the time for him to be established and unafraid of sharing his life.

My friend told me yesterday that I am single by choice.
That I've broken up with as many men as have broken up with me. That's probably true.
But what is also true is... I've never dated a man who wanted to be with me more than he wanted to do anything else.

Okay, maybe there were two guys who did... but the rest of their values didn't really match up with mine.

So here I am... weeks away from 40 - and I've never been truly loved. I've never been with someone who wants to share life with me.
There were two, maybe three guys who thought about marrying me - but none of them asked.
And I'm officially an old maid. Just as damaged as the men I'm meeting and will meet from here on out.

I truly don't understand why God wants me to be alone.
He did not make us to live life alone.

My widowed, church pew sharing friend told me, "God asks, 'Why are you lonely? You have Me."
While I do believe God wants us to turn to Him and allow Him to fill us up, and fill all our needs... I still think what she said is phooey... If God expected us to fill our lives ONLY with Him, He would not have made Eve for Adam. God intended for us to share our lives - for that is how we experience His love.

I can only think that I am going about this life thing... totally wrong.
I am crying frequently.

For the record; I'm not crying about McTwitchy. Not one tear for him. I'm just so sad that I'm still so alone. The tears are for my loneliness. Surrounded by friends or not, I'm lonely.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are not an old maid! You have so much value, and you are not washed up or dried up or anything else. You have a lot to offer a potential partner, and if God wills it, one day you will find someone who appreciates all of it.

I'm sorry:( Hang in there.

Judith said...

Sorry. Your friends comment that your single by choice made me so mad. Your not chosing to be single, it's just how it is right now. The things people say can hurt. My married friends think they are saying encouraging things, but they actually hurt me.

I agree when you say that the right man for you will be the guy who wants to spend time with you. Who wants you to feel special. And you him. A guy who won't make time for you is not worth it. And how do you get to know someone if you don't spend lots of time with them? That is what relationships are built on. That's how you get to know them and determine if you want to spend more time with them.

I'm 33 and never even had a real boyfriend. (I had one guy who led me on for 2 years.) It really sucks. All I get are guys who aren't at all my type or match with my values. The guys I do like only want to be friends. I wonder if the right guy even exist. I do tell God it's not fair. It seems everyone else has what I want.

And I agree that God wants us to be content in Him, but he did create that longing to be loved by another individual. It's a representation of His love for us.
I said a prayer for you as I read this.

Steamed Dumpling said...

HUGS!!!

Syma said...

I feel your pain, literally. I am eight days away from 40 and have never had that either. I am praying for you.

Caribbean Shulamite said...

(((Hugs)))

And I don't want the following to be an attempt at consolation (it would be a poor one right now)... BUT I do admire your strength to let go of what's just not working. Those firm values will save you a whole different type of heartache. If I'd had that fortitude earlier,I would have saved myself some time, pain and embarrassment.

Anonymous said...

And what that widow said *is* phooey!
My heart cries for you, too.

Corrie said...

I'm de-lurking after a few months of following your blog (I can't even remember how I came across it now) to say how very sorry I am. I appreciate your transparency when it comes to sharing your feelings. I am sorry that McTwitchy chose to be single.

Krissie said...

Hugs. People say dumb things sometimes. Wishing I could change your circumstances for you, and make it all happen. Praying for you, and I'm not praying that you'll accept your singleness - I'm praying that God would provide a man, cause there is absolutely nothing wrong with praying that! And I do believe he wants it for you.

Genevra said...

Sigh. You just made me cry. I am just so dang sorry for all the pain that is being shared and felt today, including my own. Being deprived of the experience you want most sucks, especially when you have no control over it.

erinannie said...

Lately I have been harping quite a bit on the subject of "trials." How God gives us "trials." See, I don't think he does. And I surely don't think our marital status is meant to be one either. Is it a punishment or a test to be single? No. It is just the way you are. The Lord has a Plan for everyone. He knows YOU. He knows you are single. He has plans for you to do that require you to be single. Now it is up to you to be that instrument in the Lord's hands. Ask Him what it is He needs of you, how you can be of service to Him and His children.
No, seriously, go. Now. Go ask. Figure it out. Be happy that the Lord needs YOU.

Rachel said...

Add my hug to the list! I think it's totally okay to question God. He's big enough to handle our questioning His methods. I hope you smile today even through the tears.

Terry said...

TRS: I fully understand you, the loniness and the feeling I don't think you were asking too much at all, sometimes we think we do but, if he wanted to spend time with you he would have agreed.
I am the same way you are and I always wonder why God, leaves things like why are some chosen to be married and some chosen to have all the finical struggles in life and some have it handed on a silver platter. It can be hard sometimes to fit in, I have gotten to the point where IM learning to try and do things just on my own and but, at times I am lonely and it's nice to have someone to do a movie with sit and have coffee with other then just a single friend or even a married friend.it's a tough call but, then I have to remind myself to pick up and brush myself off, even though I was married before but it was spelled total failure. At least that is how I have felt it to be even though it was abuse and stealing. Your in my thoughts and always in my prayers and feel so connected to you.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to hear that things didn't work out for you. He sounded like he had a lot of potential. I've been getting very frustrated with God, too, and am having a hard time accepting the fact that I may always be single. And 40 was a long time ago for me.

A couple of men have come into my life in the past few years and they have taught me some valuable lessons about myself. One is a friend but not available as a partner. The other is becoming a friend, but probably not a potential partner. It was very difficult to overcome the feelings of "why, God, did you put this person in my life and allow me to develop feelings and hope about him, only to take him away". When I got past some of that anger, I realized that each of these men helped me to see more clearly and define what I was looking for in a husband, what was important to me, what I needed in a relationship. They were sometimes painful lessons, but something I needed to learn. These experiences allowed me to grow and become a better partner for whoever is still out there waiting for me.

Don't know how much this will help you, but don't give up hope. I haven't. Patience, however, can be a challenge to find some days. Hang in there!

Mary from Minnesota

Jennifer M. said...

Ouch! That makes me so mad when people tell me I am single by choice. I just want to smack them sometimes. I'm sorry that anyone said that to you.

Sure there are advantages to being single (sole possession of the remote control), but there are many more advantages to being married. I would LOVE to find that one someone who loves to be with me, who believes in me, and wants to make my face smile and my toes curl.

The older I get (currently honing in on 31), the more discouraged I get about this, but I am trying to have hope/faith that God really does has a plan for me.

I found an interesting blog that inspires me that maybe hope can still be held onto despite being single forever: The Wild and Wily Ways of a Brunette Bombshell. I hope to be as optimistic about all this as she is.

Heidi said...

Yup. Exactly. While I've made peace with the idea that I may never have children (that was a HARD one to make peace with), I still haven't QUITE made peace with the idea that I'll be alone forever. It's hard. There's not a lot anyone can say that makes it better.

Faith is hard in the face of some circumstances, isn't it?

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