Thursday, June 21, 2012

Single People Can't Do Anything Right!

You just can't please all of the people all of the time.
And no matter what you do, someone will criticize.

In the world of dating, people will tell you that "You have to put yourself out there!" and after months or years of putting yourself out there they'll ask, "Have you REALLY put yourself out there?" or "He's not going to fall through your living room ceiling you know!"

But then, if you really make an effort to put yourself out there... soon you'll hear from naysayers, screeching, "Don't try so hard!" "Oh my, you seem so desperate."  Um, weren't you the person telling me to put myself out there - to make an effort?

Let's not forget the people who decide that if you're single after a certain age that you're just too picky. But then, if you make an effort to widen your scope, and consider some of the men you may have overlooked before...  suddenly you're desperate!

Someone on the internet is very persistent in telling me how pathetic I am to be seeking love in my life.  I imagine from the point of view of someone who has been reading this blog the past couple years, it may seem that dating is my only concern.

Fine, I'll admit that after wasting three years on Mr. Burns, I was determined not to waste any more time. Knowing now what not to look for, what to avoid and what qualities matter most to me, I feel I'm ready for the right man to come along.

In the meantime, I'll write about the absurdity of men who post shirtless self-portraits in their bathroom mirrors, as if THAT's going to find them the love of their lives! And about men who over share about their divorce because they're newly single and forgot how to socialize.

This is the stuff single women face, and I'm here to show them that they're not alone out there, and that yes, it is odd for a man you've already met to try to contact you again through the dating site instead of with the phone number you gave him! Maybe there are some men who could learn something too!

The fact is... I don't have time to write so many blog posts any more. I'm working full time and I'm enjoying the warm weather after a long winter... so the posts I do write are about some of the things that stick in my craw.  And these days what really sticks in my craw are the thoughtless, careless ways people treat other people.  I see it not only in my dating life, but in my friend's dating lives as well. People just don't know how to treat people any more.

In an effort to stay on topic... I don't write about the volunteer mentor program for women in prison that I've been involved in, and how I met some of my dearest friends in that volunteer pool. Or offering my photography services and time, free of charge for a non profit organization that needs photos for their website.
Why? Because this blog is about dating.  Always has been, always will be.

Considering that the blog was created to share stories about dating - it seems perfectly plausible to me to keep the focus narrow.

So if it's just so very very sad that I recognize a call from my creator to love and be loved... to be a wife and mother...  and to be a mother with a partner, and not selfishly (from my perspective - no judgement here) bring a child into the world without the benefit of a father... knowing that I would have been forever changed without the influence of my own wonderful father....  then fine, I'm a sad, pathetic person who loves love and family. 

It's really, profoundly awful that I have so much love to give, and a big generous heart to share. 
Yes, I'm so needy that I spent the night in the ER with a friend on her birthday just so she wouldn't be alone while being subjected to tests. I am THAT self-centered. 

Am I supposed to tell you that I spent every spare minute of the last two months of 2011 sewing a quilt out my dad's clothes so that his youngest grandchild would have a tangible reminder of the man who loved like no other? 

No one gets a full picture of my life here.  Just a snapshot of the things I choose to share. 

But when the people who DO know me and love me and see ALL the aspects of my life, tell me that they just can't see a world where I don't have a family of my own, because it's so clear that I have so much love to give, and so much thoughtfulness and generosity to offer... who am I to argue? 

The views expressed in this post are mine and mine alone. Some views are expressed with dripping sarcasm.  I am not responsible for the state of mind of any readers who don't understand dripping sarcasm, and I refuse to apologize for any part of my thoughts or ideas. Anyone who doesn't like what they read here, is not required to read it. 
Sincerely, TRS

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

New Rules

I made a new rule a while back... I don't answer the phone when I'm on my way out of the house.
Never fails, I mean to bring something to a party... or something I'm supposed to return to store on that side of town... and if I'm talking on the phone, I ALWAYS forget something I'm supposed to bring with me.  So finally it's a rule... no answering the phone.

Which leads me to...

Am I the only one who gets annoyed when you're on your way to meet someone, or on your way to an event... and the person you're meeting keeps calling your cell phone while you're driving there?
Maybe it's just me, but it's so annoying.  Perhaps it's because, hey.. I'm going to see you in two freaking minutes! Keep your pants on!

Maybe it's because I can remember when we couldn't reach people instantly, and if you said you were going to be there, you were going to be there.  I guess it makes me feel like they're doubting my commitment to the commitment.

Sort of makes me think of why I'm a cat person, not a dog person.  The person who needs to know you're on your way is needy, like a dog. I prefer those who chill out and wait, like a cat.

Just a thought I've been sitting on today.

Friday, June 01, 2012

How About Retro Dating?

Technology has dramatically changed our world. Some for the better, some for the worse.
As I've said before, social media, text and even our simple cell phones have impacted the dating world in such a way - it's making it practically impossible to date.

I can think back to when I first learned to text, way before the smart phone. I was meeting some folks at an event, one of whom was a guy from my church that I was kind of interested in - but we hadn't gotten past just being friendly. Running late for the event, which was popular enough to take up a lot of parking - I texted my charming friend, asking him to save a couple seats. To this day, I recall the relief of being able to contact him without having to work up my nerves to do so. How nice, I can see why guys prefer such low-risk methods of contact.

As you know, it's only gotten worse!

It's nearly impossible to get anyone you meet on an online dating site, to graduate from texting to actually communicating.  I'm starting to believe that for this reason, so many of us are single.
Therefore, I have a rule that I won't meet a guy if he won't call me and set up a date. (seems like a no-brainer huh?) We need to have a conversation. If they can only text me, I move on.

Then even when you get to a couple phone conversations, even a date... most guys turn back to casual texting. To me, that's a sign that they're not interested. Maybe they're juggling a few different women from online sites -- maybe they're just lazy.

This happened with Mr. Accent. We went on a few dates and I actually really had a good time with him. Given our opposite work schedules, and that he had his kids on his days off - it seemed okay to me to text, because we weren't even awake at the same times except for the narrow windows in which we could see each other. But after a while, we didn't have conversations at all. Making it really hard to get know each other. When he appeared to have fallen off the planet - I gave it a few weeks and then texted him that I was disappointed that he couldn't bother to tell me he didn't want to see me any more.

He implemented the bewildered guy act... and we started texting again, setting up a date again, only to have him disappear again.

So, I'm further convicted that no phone conversations = no dating.

Remember the last guy who set up a date with me and then also disappeared?  (see previous post)  I was conflicted about that, because I know that he's an avid motorcyclist - and part of me thought that his disappearing act was so out of character that there was good chance he had wrecked his bike and was lying somewhere in a coma!  Really, it was the only way to explain not hearing from him.

I mentioned the situation to a few guy friends. Some told me to cease contact altogether. A few other guys said, "If you really think it's something unusual and not just a blow off... text him and ask if he's okay. If he blows you off, there's your answer. If not, you'll find out something."

So I did. I texted him this morning. Rather than the snarky, "Hope you're okay. Call me when you're out of a coma." that I WANTED to send.... I said, "Just wondering what happened. Are you okay?"

He responded that since I didn't answer some of his texts, he figured I wasn't interested.  I told him that I only had texts from him up to a certain conversation/exchange - at which point he realized that  -HELLO- text is not all that reliable!!

I further explained that after I checked if we were still on for Tuesday, and he said yes... that I expected him to call me and pin down our plans.  That when he didn't, I figured he blew me off.

He responded that he saw the error of his ways, and asked permission to call me to set up a date soon.
I said that's okay, but only if he's serious.

Why serious?
Because #1) I'm giving up on this dating crap for starters - so he'd better make it worth it.
#2) I've already had enough experience with guys who summon up their pride once they're called out on bad behavior only long enough to have the last word. If that's all he's doing, I'm not playing. But if this was an honest mistake - he was a nice enough guy to warrant a second chance.

I'm about to start a campaign to train men how to date again.  Rule number one --- when in doubt, behave like it's the 1950s and pick up a stinking phone.  Don't count on technology for courtship if you really want to be taken seriously.  So we'll see how this plays out.

I know some of you are thinking that I'm quickly giving up on my giving up on dating.  Not really. The guy that I met deserves a chance at this. The next phone conversation (if there is one) will tell me if it's worth it.  Then it's done!