Thursday, October 30, 2008

Have Mercy!

Oh my.

I just spent the evening learning to Salsa dance with a crazy hot guy.
No, the guy is not crazy. He is crazy hot!

I actually met him on Sunday.
My friends made sure I went to a party so that I’d get out of the house and get back in the scene. Another girlfriend learned of my new single status at the party – and invited me to Salsa lessons for Wednesday night, again – to make sure I’m OUT there.

Then, just before the party ended I got to talk with a cute guy I’d been eyeing. He was wearing an interesting hat. Not many guys can pull that off. He was kind and interesting. Then another friend pulled me away from him - in a panic about her missing leather jacket.

Wednesday morning, I got a phone call inquiring as to whether I planned to go to Salsa lessons that night. I wasn’t sure. I doubted I was in the mood. She named a handful of people who were planning to go and I told her I’d let her know.

As I hung up the phone, I thought… “Wasn’t that the name of the hat guy?”
I was going.

He wasn’t there.

Not until after the lesson.

Then, something transpired that NEVER happens to ME.

He motioned to the dance floor or the water fountain or something, and turned to go. I missed the signal. He was asking me to follow.

Now how on God’s green earth would I know that?!

Oh, by the way, did I mention he’s even cuter than he was three days ago? I mean. Ouch. Dang. And… SERIOUSLY! S E R I O U S L Y.

I was sure he was just informing the group that he was venturing out on his own for a while. And that’s what he ended up doing because I am not used to guys vying for my attention! I can't even see it. I totally left him hanging! Major flub.

Oh. And it should be noted that I’m a terrible dancer. I can’t learn steps. I can’t find a beat or identify a rhythm. I’m hopeless and I’m not graceful. But I did actually advance a little in the one hour lesson. First time for everything.

He returned to the group and we all watched some dancers. I was happy to sit out as my feet were sore from the lesson.

Then a guy came out of the crowd looking for a partner and I tried to look disinterested. Luckily, my girlfriend offered her hand and I was left alone with hat guy, er hot guy. A few seconds later he asked me to dance. And I got it that time.

Off we went.

Maybe my ignoring him at first was a good thing. Made me seem aloof, unobtainable. All that.

I warned him that I was just learning and indeed, a certifiably bad dancer. He said, “Good.”

We danced for the rest of the evening.

And I wasn’t even embarrassed when, after several efforts to spin and twirl me in which I went all. over. the. place. he declared, “You’re a spaz. I get dizzy when I spin you!”
All I could say was, “I know. I can’t do anything small.” But Mister, keep spinning me!

We tried all kinds of dance moves. He held me close sometimes, looking right into my eyes. Making eyes – that could have been come hither – or could have been hey Salsa is supposed to be sexy… try it woman!

But what I noticed was… I was pretty darn comfortable with him. As hot as he is, he didn’t make me feel less hot.

Actually, I had to realize that myself.

When he threw those eyes at me and I assumed it was acting – I had to screw up my courage to throw eyes back, and move my hips just a little more. I had to believe that maybe he finds me as attractive as I find him. I mean… I did look good tonight!

Let me be clear. He is not just incredibly good-looking, and FIT? yikes... does he look good! He made himself out to be kind, and courteous, interesting and intelligent. I'm not a shallow woman. Normally.

The more I screwed up my courage the braver I became.

Now, of course I realize this may not become anything. For all I know, the man is gay. Interesting hats and all. And he dresses like something out of GQ. Impeccable. Seriously.

The sort of guy I always imagined I’d end up with.
I dismissed that vision when I met Mr. Burns… all baseball caps and polo shirts and suits from Men's Wearhouse.

But it was fun for my first night out after the break up - - to have the attention of a man who is truly swoon-worthy.


Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Because I Blew Past 100

I was planning to do something special for my 100th post. I'd been watching it creep along - and then poof! I missed it!
This is post 101.

But still, I give you...

100 Things About Me

  1. I’m not a morning person. Left to my own devices I would sleep until 9:00am. This is not sloth. I can’t put myself to bed before midnight no matter how hard I try.
  2. I don’t cook. Do not mistake this for ‘Can’t Cook’ or ‘Cooks Badly’. I can follow directions like everyone else. I choose not to cook. I take very little joy in it. Too messy.
  3. When I do cook – it’s awesome.
  4. I’m adopted.
  5. I grew up on a farm.
  6. I rode horses all my life until I left for college.
  7. I competed in 4-H rodeos. My favorite event was Barrel Racing.
  8. I’m naturally thin. This does not mean I am fit.
  9. I’d rather not have curtains. I love sunlight and a view and I could never understand why people are shocked if they can see inside someone’s house after dark. Especially if the people inside are not naked.
  10. I hate pulp in orange juice and lemonade.
  11. I love any food that comes from dead pig. Bacon is nature’s candy.
  12. I can sew. I would do it more if I had a spare room to dedicate for sewing and the mess that ensues.
  13. While I can sew clothing quite well, I mostly sew crafty baby gifts. Sewing clothes is not cost effective like it was when I was in high school.
  14. I want to be a great photographer one day.
  15. I want to be a wife and mother one day. God seems to have other plans.
  16. I live for summer. Heat and humidity are my friends.
  17. I’ve had stitches twice.
  18. Only one broken bone. My scapula. Car wreck. They can’t put a cast on your scapula.
  19. Favorite color? Can’t pick one. I love orange. I love green. Several shades of brown. Blue is fun. Yellow is cheerful and spunky. Orange rocks.
  20. I love the smell of fresh cut grass and band-aids. Separate, not together.
  21. I am completely mesmerized by the sound of a trickling brook or babbling stream.
  22. My favorite sound is the sound of babies and children laughing. From the gut. Love it!
  23. I started mowing our lawn when I was about 10 years old. I like mowing the lawn.
  24. Until college, I thought mowing the lawn was ‘women’s work’.
  25. Growing up, I never got an allowance.
  26. I didn’t have a checking account until I started college.
  27. That was a mistake.
  28. A clean and shiny bathroom sink makes me very happy.
  29. I get hives due to allergies. This does not make me a nerd.
  30. None of my best girlfriends know one another. They are scattered all over the country so they have never met.
  31. I’ve told them all to save up for a spa weekend somewhere (I think Seattle) for my 40th birthday. It’ll be great to have all my girls together and have them finally meet!
  32. A very high percentage of my friends are named Kim or Kelly. This started with my cousins who are twins – the others kept showing up throughout my life! Kimberly, Keli – all of them!
  33. I have two nephews and two nieces. They are all gorgeous.
  34. I have been abstinent for more than 11 years. What is God waiting for?!
  35. I love shopping at TJMaxx.
  36. I have two pair of sexy high heels that I love so much that I actually tell them so.
  37. I love cleaning and organizing in my friends’ homes. Not so much when cleaning my own.
  38. I’m really horrible at math. Math is a 4-letter word.
  39. I can still turn cartwheels.
  40. I butter my toast on both sides.
  41. My first job was at Hardee’s.
  42. I cannot have chips in my house because I will eat the entire bag in one sitting.
  43. I have monkey toes. I can pick stuff up with them.
  44. I hate turtlenecks. Can’t stand them around my neck. Even seeing them on others makes me feel a little strangled.
  45. I performed in school plays in high school. I was always the wise-cracking maid.
  46. I cannot play an instrument even though I had guitar lessons, clarinet lessons and organ lessons.
  47. I’m sarcastic. and loud.
  48. I sneeze so loudly it scares people.
  49. I’m starting to see where it might be hard to like me!
  50. As a kid I would climb anything with a firm foothold. Grain bins, abandoned farm equipment, trees – anything. Mom hated this.
  51. I once stood atop each presidential head on Mount Rushmore. Not everyone gets to do that.
  52. When I did, (with permission) the Park Ranger freaked out and tied a rope around me because I was too close to Roosevelt’s forehead.
  53. I love heights, obviously.
  54. I make burgers with English Muffins rather than hamburger buns. Much tastier.
  55. I have a good singing voice. Not great, but not offensive.
  56. I grind my teeth. Have for at least 30 years. Now I wear a nightguard. Ith tho thexy.
  57. I don’t like beer.
  58. My friends are mad that my natural hair color (at age 38) does not include any grays.
    I can’t whistle.
  59. I can’t swim. I know how to… but I can’t.
  60. I love dry wit and sarcastic humor.
  61. I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie in its entirety. For this offense, I am at risk of losing my Generation X membership card.
  62. Personified animals, in cartoon or actual form, amuse me to no end. Dogs reading newspapers? Hilarious. A chicken wearing glasses? Unholy riot. One of my friends has a dog that sits like a human. I can’t stand it!
  63. I have never tried any illegal drug. Nothing. Smoked clove cigarettes once in college – that’s as hard as I ever got.
  64. I have never had a one night stand.
  65. My worst fear is growing old alone.
  66. After 6 semesters of Spanish, I can’t recall much beyond “Donde esta el bano?” I figured it was the most useful phrase.
  67. My first car was a 1979 Buick Park Avenue. We called it ‘The Enterprise”.
  68. I totaled that car on 08-08-88.
  69. I totaled my last car on 08-08-08.
  70. I can roll my tongue.
  71. I can roll my Rs.
  72. I can’t wiggle my ears.
  73. I can never remember the body of jokes… only the punch lines.
  74. The songs at church usually make me cry.
  75. I don’t like BBQ’d food. Grilled sure – it’s the BBQ sauce that creeps me out.
  76. I can’t paint my fingernails or toenails. Yeah I can reach ‘em but the results ain’t pretty. That job is outsourced.
  77. People who bring their dogs everywhere, annoy me.
  78. People who dress their dogs make me want to see them institutionalized. The humans, not the dogs.
  79. Some people think I don’t like dogs. They are wrong. Usually it’s the dog owner I don’t like. (Can’t blame the dog for not being trained/socialized.)
  80. I didn’t like Cherries until well into adulthood.
  81. My family opens gifts on Christmas Eve.
  82. I can’t flirt. Haven’t the faintest idea how.
  83. Once I decide you are my friend – you can’t get out of it. No way no how.
  84. I would do anything for my friends. Anytime of the day or night. Need me? Call me.
  85. I think I’m a little addicted to the internet.
  86. Idid not know the great pleasure of high thread count sheets until this past year. Now I'm spoiled!
  87. I have never successfully balanced my checkbook.
  88. I think my dad is the smartest man who never finished High School that you’ll ever meet. He has a unique wisdom.
  89. I choke on food – a lot.
  90. My two longest romantic relationships have lasted a year and a half. I think it’s pretty clear by then if you belong together or not.
  91. I once ate a mudpie prepared by my big sister. I told her it was a little dry.
  92. I once hiked behind a waterfall where I smooched my then boyfriend.
  93. I learned to ski at age 27.
  94. It was the first sport I could actually DO. I was thrilled.
  95. I secretly wish I were more athletic.
  96. I am satisfied with my very small chest. But I would take bigger boobs if it came by magic and not surgery.
  97. My brother and I grew further apart after our sister died. We are not close.
  98. I never really liked school.
  99. I skipped all but my 10 year High School Reunion. (We have them every 5 years.)
  100. I trust God’s plan for me but I wish I trusted Him even more.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

A Public Service

Sorry to nitpick - but I read a lot of blogs in which people refer to their families and extended family.

Something is driving me batty.

So I need to point out that if you have more than one brother-in-law and you want to refer to them as a group... it is brothers-in-law. Not brother-in-laws. The plural goes to the grouping, not their status. Brother is what is plural... not the manner in which they are related.

If you and your husband's brothers and sisters and their spouses and all their respective IN LAWS are getting together - you will be surrounded by all your sisters-in-law, fathers-in-law and mothers-in-law.

See for yourself.

Thank you and goodnight.

Since I'm in public service mode - this goes out to people who are selling sofas on Cr@igsli$t.

Please do not lure me in by describing your Modern sofa in your headline - only to show me a hideous Contemporary sofa in your ad.

That is just cruel.
Please do some research and learn the difference between Contemporary and Modern.
Just because it is not an antique does not mean it is Modern.

Modern Styling:

Contemporary Styling:

Big difference no?
Someone searching for modern furniture will not appreciate a sofa that looks like it has all the fomality of sweat pants.
That's right. I said sweat pants.
In my opinion... furniture should look tailored. At least equivilent to Khakis - not sweat pants. I mean to say, it is so casual and informal as to look sloppy.
This is one woman's opinion.
All I'm saying is .... don't lure me in with Modern when what you're really selling is sweatpants.

I Don't Even Know What to Think!

I came home this evening to find a message on my home answering machine trying to set up a job interview with me for tomorrow. (Tuesday).
How's that for notice?!

It's a job I totally forgot I applied for.

Part of me feels resigned that I won't get it anyway... just like all the others. But the other part of me realizes this interview came out of the blue - so long after I've given up.

Maybe there is a possibility. But Geez... it sucks so much like dating. Maybe this will be the one. Ha! Don't even get your hopes up.

Anyway... interview at 2:00pm MTN. I'd appreciate your prayers. I just pray for a job that I will find satisfying - and that I can perform to the satisfaction of the employer. I don't ask for much.

The interview went very well from my point of view - although I never know how I come across in an interview.
I am just myself, and that is funny, slightly irreverant, (because that is who you will be working with, you should know that) but very serious about the work and my can-do attitude. I am sure to explain my experience and how it relates directly to the job at hand.

I didn't know much about the job going in. After all, I applied for it two months ago and then never really thought about it again. But - this job is almost perfect. It takes me back to the reason I went into journalism in the first place. It's not sexy or puffed up glamorization of news that culls the important issues down to 20 second bits of fluff. That is why I left news. This is different. Not glamorous in any way, but I am sure it will be satisfying.

I know that they are interview at least three other people. I am just praying for God to guide this. If this is the position he has been saving me for - great. If not, well - I'll keep plugging away. It's out my hands now. But if you would like to offer it to God with me, I would greatly appreciate the prayers.

It would be so like God for this opportunity to work out, because I got a notice today explaining that my unemployment benefits end on November 1st. This job would start the first week of November.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Answers - and lots of links!

Well, I finally have an answer.

The Obama images that still make me uncomfortable are not produced by his campaign.

Rather, they are art images created by various independent artists.

Apparently they are supposed to have a Warholian quality. is that a word?

Anyway, I totally missed that connection. I still think they recall the forced iconography and rallies at the command of the Soviet Union. exhibit A:

My friend Rob sent me this Wall Street Journal article. They looked into the craze back in July. I am glad to have the information. As I said in my earlier post, it just seemed odd to me that the Democratic National Committee would want to connect his image to those images.

Now we know - it's the creative types who seek to engrave the image - not the campaign.

Now I'm a fairly arty person - and this just lends gravity to the fact that art is indeed subjective - which is why I am NOT the only one who felt that connection.
Again, not saying Obama is the Red Scare - or a Communist - just questioning the visual tie-in. Question answered.
On the other hand... I thought tonight's SNL skit of Michelle & Barack's Variety Hour was a full on RIOT! Totally speaks to the iconic celebrity so rampant in his campaign. Just visualize Michelle and Barack as Donnie and Marie!! The theme song... "And now we're solid. Solid as Barack!"
If anyone can find the link let me know and I'll link it here. Too funny to miss.
Oh. And to keep my political posts to a minimum... I want to share this great thought with you here - via button!
While I'm not a fan of giving civil unions the same title of 'marriage' for reasons I can't even put my own finger on... I do believe that legally, homosexuals deserve the same civil rights for partnership.
I really don't see how gay marriage would threaten straight marriages - except for the knowledge that my gay friends have been together longer than most of my married friends - and it stands to reason that Gays might actually lower the divorce rate!
Straights aren't really raising the bar there.
Now I promise this will be my last political post here - because my blog really isn't about that.
Thanks for indulging me all the same.
Now back to our regularly scheduled blogging.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Moving On?

Last week a friend of mine returned from an amazing charitable trip to another country. She was gone for two weeks so she missed witness of the break up. Once she heard, she called to make plans to meet me for dinner to talk.

She was so sweet, and just let me talk it out. Granted she got a much different earful than she would have if we had been able to get together even a week earlier! I know I was more calm than I would have been - because I have had time to think things over.

I told her that I was considering moving back to Omaha. I figure, if I'm going to be broke and underemployed - I might as well be broke and underemployed in a city with a lower cost of living.
I would also be closer to my parents who are getting older.
Dad misses me.
And since there is nothing keeping me here...

I looked away from my dinner plate and up to her face. Her eyes were surprisingly red.

Oh my! The thought of me moving away made her eyes sting with tears that she would not allow to fall.
I would never imagine that she would miss me that much! I'm stunned.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Admit it - It's Funny

Despite political leanings... this is a funny interpretation.

Let me just say that I am the most Middle-of-the-Road voter there is. My Conservative friends think I'm Liberal and Liberals think I'm conservative.

I'm religious and I'm educated. I'm sympathetic but I also think citizens should pull their own bootstraps - to the best of their ability.

All I'm saying is... Don't draw a conclusion about my beliefs or about my vote from a handful of posts on my blog.
I hope we're all deeper than that!

Monday, October 20, 2008

Just a Little Creepy

Am I the only one who thinks that this:

is eerily reminiscent of this:

and this?

That image in my neighbor's window and on so many t-shirts plastered upon people around the city are just a bit creepy to me.

I wonder if they are produced by the Obama campaign - or by over enthusiastic weirdos who think the Communist Dictator flashbacks are 'retro'?
I mean, Obama supporter or not you have to find the images a bit disturbing - right?

It's weird how so many Obama events look a lot like the Beatles Invasion.

The Cult of Personality surrounding his campaign is like nothing I've seen in my lifetime.
If the images don't creep you out - watch this and tell me it's not a bit chilling.
More than a little creepy if you ask me.
Make no mistake. I'm not saying there is a connection. I'm just saying that one reminds me of the other. That is all.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

That's Where The Sun Is

It's been a week now since we broke up.
By the end of last week I was feeling pretty good. Not as hard as I thought - thought I. This week... I dunno... my mind sticks on the possibility of me being alone in the world forever and the feeling squeezes my heart again.

I haven't told my parents yet that we broke up. My mom will wonder what makes her daughter so unlovable. My dad knows that I was considering a breakup for a while and he'll just be glad that I am not heading toward a doomed marriage.

I talked to my oldest niece last weekend. She's a high school senior and the sweetest kid you could imagine. She's the one who spent the day skiing with me and Mr. Burns last winter, so out of my entire family she knows him the most.
During our phone conversation she asked, "So. How is everything with your boyfriend?" with that sing song-y teenage lilt on "boyfriend", it almost made me laugh.
I answered, "Well, keep this to yourself until I'm ready to tell everyone..."
"Okay." said she.
"We broke up."
Oh. The shock in her voice!
"You thought I was going to say engaged didn't you?"

Oh bummer. I told her that I couldn't tell Mom until I can say it without crying.

On Sunday I went to church and spoke with my priest after Mass. I told him that we broke up - and tears stung my eyes again. Saying it aloud has this finality and makes it real rather than just an idea. Father said. "Okayyyyy." like that.
I thought that was an odd response and said so. Then he explained that he would often see us at Mass together and think... "This just isn't right. He doesn't love her. He needs to let her go." Hmm. But he also said that the fact that I tried for so long to make it work is a testament to just how strongly I desire marriage. That's a fact.

I shared that story with another friend who recently moved away. She emailed back...

"So, hearing what you did from Fr. ____ do you wish he had said something to you earlier, or do you think it would have needed to run its course no matter what?"
No. He was right. It wasn't his place. I think it had to run it's course. I had many friends here telling me to end it - and I couldn't. I had to wait until it was over. Until all the hope had dried up. And that's exactly what I did.

She wrote something else that cheered me:

"I definitely think you were in this all-or-nothing, but that's you. You don't do anything half-assed, and I think that's one reason we're friends. I respect that about you. "

Sometimes it takes your friends to point out even your obvious qualities!
She's right. I don't do anything halfway. If I crash my bike, I don't just fall off. I split my chin open and break a tooth!
I don't just end a relationship. I make sure my heart breaks!

One little bit of hope I cling to is... imagine how great my marriage will be one day! I do everything full-on. That man is going to know he is loved!

Last week I thought I had moved passed the wreckage. But to further the analogy - it seems that I'm still encountering some debris in the water. But still, it's a good place to be - beyond the wreckage. All I can do is keep my eyes on the horizon. That's where the sun is.

Who knows, maybe I'll be rescued. Or maybe I'll just become a strong swimmer.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Love Stories

Certainly, I don't know how my love story will turn out - or if there will even be one beyond the beautiful love story offered to me by Christ on the cross. But I love reading about real life love stories.

In my daily clicks today, I stumbled upon the discovery that someone has declared October Love Story month - and various bloggers are sharing theirs. I think it starts here.

Many women are writing theirs in installments and I can't wait for the conclusion of this one!

Now, I love a good Love Story (how we met stories) but the handful that I've read so far start in high school. Yeah. They met in high school, married, had an egg carton full of kids and made me depressed. That's just too much to bear for a woman like me who is a full-fledged adult - 38 years old - and just broke up with her boyfriend. Please. I'm too old to have a boyfriend. I'm supposed to have a husband! Heck - I should have an ex-husband by now!!

So please... share your love story with me... particularly if it starts with "On the day I found my first grey hair..." Something that will give me a morsel of hope.
Leave the link to your love story in my comments section.

Obviously, I can't share mine. But can I tell you how much I love stories that start out with the heroine leaving her boyfriend to date his best friend? Or her best friend's boyfriend?

Not that I endorse stealing men from one another - rather I love the serendipity that the Lord employs to put the right people in our lives.

One story that I love was told to me by a cute little older lady that I met at some dating function when I first moved to this city.

I was new in town and seeking to build a social circle so I particpated in Speed Dating, Rotating Tables and all sorts of matchmaking events. At one of them I met this cute lady in her 60s who told me how she met her late husband. Is it concerning that I remember the cute little old lady but none of the men that were there?!

Her roommate had been set up on a date, and returned to tell her friend that she didn't think it was a good match. Regardless, they had made plans for the next night so the roommate begged her to come along.

Presto. Bingo. She met her husband!

So cute.

Like the story line in When Harry Met Sally. Sally and Harry decide to find each other dates, and over dinner it's their dates who end up hitting it off. At the wedding, Jess toasts them for bringing he and Marie together saying, "If we would have found either of you remotely attractive, we wouldn't be here today!"

I love a good love story. Please share yours. I could use the hope these days.

Saturday, October 11, 2008


I was tagged by Keli last week so it’s about time I get to it!

1. What was I doing 10 years ago?
- I was a TV news reporter in a small town, single and living with a roommate.

2. What are (were) 5 things on my to do list today?
- Apply for two jobs.
- Pay Bills
- Edit friend’s maternity photos for a CD.
- Catch up on bible study homework.
- Sew

3.What are my favorite Snacks?
- Quaker Rice cakes white cheddar flavor.
- Dove Dark Chocolate from the freezer.

4.What 5 things would I do if I was a Millionaire?
- Pay off debt (only a couple 1000 – not including my mortgage)
- Splurge on photography equipment, classes and a studio!
- Buy a modest house outright
- Buy a sofa and bedroom furniture
- Go to Italy
- Tuck money away for nieces/nephew college fund
- Invest the rest
- I wouldn’t tell anybody I came into the money – just do nice things for the people I love with it. (okay... that's more than five... I honestly didn't see the number in the question until after I posted! Oh well.)

5.What are 5 places I have lived? Lincoln, NE – Omaha, NE – Rapid City, SD – Denver, and my parent’s farm in Nowhere, Nebraska

6.What are 5 Jobs I've had?
Shoe sales (only it wasn’t fun like you would expect – they were ‘practical shoes’), Waitress, TV Reporter, TV Producer, Photographer

7.Who are 5 people tagged by me?Hmmm… I think I’ll pass.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Maybe It's A Good Thing!

It's becoming quite clear that our break up must be a good thing.

We would have made one ugly baby:
Image produced by:

Update: I feel as though I'm past the wreckage. And that feels good. I may be entering bitterness, though I am keeping a handle on it.

Thanks everyone for your sincere and hopeful comments. You bless me. You really do!

God bless you right back!

Just for giggles - I tried reproducing again with better pictures. You be the judge.

I don't think this kid is much better!!

Monday, October 06, 2008


Could you hear the guttural cries?

I stood in the shower and sobbed. Heavy, dry gasps because no tears would come. I worried about my neighbors hearing but it was 3:00 in the afternoon. Most likely no one else was home.
I gasped and sobbed and cried out.
Once I completed my shower, I stood there clutching my towel and gasped and sobbed some more. Finally I threw my head back - allowing my throat to really open up - and released the kind of sound I expected to make. The sound of a heart breaking. When I thought it was over, they kept coming. Cries of anguish and pain. Still, no tears.

Then, after one last groan I sniffed mightily and said aloud, to myself: "Well, that will have to be enough then." Toweled myself off and tried to go on.

Mr. Burns and I are breaking up.
He told me that he finally realized something. He's not motivated. Not about our relationship, not regarding me. He doesn't know why he is not motivated but at least he identified that.

That was all I needed to hear. He's not motivated to love me. To claim me as his own and make sure no other man can have me. He's not motivated to care for me in the name of Christ - even though that is everything he wants to do.

I told him about the message God sent me - in triplicate no less - about surrender.
He said, "That sounds like the right thing to do. We'll put it in God's hands and see what he does with it. With us."
That was last Wednesday night. We were emotionless. We prayed together over our relationship and offered it to God.

I went away for the weekend. (to attend my cousin's wedding - irony and agony anyone?)
Then after 16 hours back in my own home the emotion overwhelmed me.
In the shower, just like another cousin told me it hit her - when a relationship ended and before she met the love of her life. She told me about sitting on the floor of her shower in a heaping sobbing mess and added, "So not worth it, by the way."
She did it for weeks.
We'll see what it takes for me.

But in all the agony, I realized that this is what surrender must look like. Drain yourself of all you thought you wanted and give yourself as a vessel for God to fill. I pray for God to use me.
Yet between sobs I called out "Why won't You use me? Why won't You make something of me?!"

After all this time unable to find work, USE ME LORD!
After I gave up hope of ever having a family, you brought Mr. Burns into my life and I feel tricked. As though you made me believe that I was good enough to have all the things that you seem to give so freely to everyone else. USE ME!

All I want is to have a family. I'm so tired of people telling me about all the celebrities who can make babies after 40 - and that I can always adopt. I'm adopted myself. I know all about it. But as someone without a blood family, I ache to make my own. I will adopt children from all around the world if God gives me husband with whom to make a family. But I can't get over the desire for God to use my body to create life. To nurse it and nurture it. To finally use me.

And I feel He never will.
I feel so abandoned. Even though I know I'm not... God would never abandon me, never leave my side but I feel so alone all the same.