I have a lot of people telling me that I shouldn't feel this way. Mostly in real life.
I guess they see that I'm a generally happy person, that I have lots of friends who love me, they tell me I'm beautiful and that I don't look 40 (as if that changes anything), and that I'm successful in that I've fully supported myself all these years, own my own home... that sort of jazz.
I think it has a lot to do with my unemployment struggles lately. I just hate that there is no work for me and it makes me feel like a failure. A failure even though mostly, I just picked a career field that is A) volatile B) changing and C) no longer valued.
But it is humiliating to me to be single and unemployable.
That translates to all kinds of unwanted.
Employers don't want me? Fine. I'll go home and raise babies. Oh wait, I don't have any. I don't have a husband, and no I'm not having one on my own because guess what... I can barely support myself!!
Yes, I know that being married doesn't validate a person. That it's not all rainbows and sunsets and hot sex.
The bottom line is, I want to share my life. I want a partner. A teammate.
I am so over coming home to an empty house.
I am so over everything I do, on a daily basis... getting groceries, putting gas in the car, earning a paycheck... is done for me.
I am so over my own needs and wants.
I want to share.
Don't tell me I shouldn't feel this way. God made us to want to share our lives.
It's natural. It's Christ-like.
Yes, in a little way... as the kid who wasn't popular in school, who never scored the best grades, who didn't grow into her looks until after college... I sort of feel like I'm proving everybody right on their first impressions that I would never amount to anything.
I say that... but I know that I am deeply and passionately loved by God. I know that. I feel that.
I just also want to feel arms around me at home.