Sunday, December 18, 2011

What's Your Game Plan?

Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly low and lonely, it's easy for me to blame my long not-married status on my chastity. (I don't like the term unmarried, I'd have to have been married to be un-married)

When I see those in the world around me sleeping around, or living together or jumping from one sexual relationship to another... it almost seems obvious that I'm likely still single because of my moral standards. I might as well be enjoying myself (and someone else!!) 

Today, something changed my mind irrefutably.

At a casual holiday party, some friends of mine and a woman new to the group were talking about dating, and how it should not be this difficult. How we shouldn't even have made it to this age single.
I said, with exasperation, that I have kissed way more men in my lifetime than I ever should have! As one woman agreed, I concluded, "Thank God I didn't sleep with them all!"

That led a friend to bring up the movie, "What's Your Number".  As the title suggests, the premise is based on the number of sexual partners a woman has, and the thesis purports... that if it's more than 20, she'll never get married because while she's able to attach physically she obviously can't attach emotionally and is therefore doomed to failure.

Our conversation was rather innocent until the newcomer chimed in that, being a 40+ woman, and in the dating pool since she was 18 - she didn't find it too shocking that she's had 30 sexual partners because that factors out to one per year.

First, I'm no math expert, but I think her numbers are off!
Second, I could not disguise my reaction - which was "Ewwww!"

She made note of my reaction, and I tried to make like I wasn't judging her... but ... ewww!
Then she said that most of them occurred in her 20s (as if that dismisses anything!)  I almost said, "Yeah, the three men I slept with happened in my 20s too.  But then I realized that they weren't the marrying kind and changed my game plan."  But I didn't think that would go over well.

Anyway, I've been thinking about it since then... when suddenly it occurred to me... Well obviously, my abstinence isn't holding me back!  I've been abstinent for 14 years and she's been boinking everything in sight... and we're both over 40 and never married.

Frankly, I prefer my path to never-married.


P.S. you know what else? Women like her are the reason so many men of our generation don't get married... they know there's always someone they can boink so there's no need for those types to marry. 

Monday, December 05, 2011

'Til My Heart Finds a Home

There's a radio station in town here that has the funniest guys on their afternoon drive... and the morning show, while a bit annoying is better than the other choices so I was content to leave my dial there and not move around.

I've been listening for a few years now, and not only do their conversation topics seem recycled but they're always talking about people who cheat, have one-night-stands, and other acts that made me continually cynical about society as a whole. It's particularly depressing to think if there are any single men out there... they're certainly not going to be interested in church-going, abstinent, modest little me.  Makes the prospect of finding a suitable husband - or someone I would even care to date in this market - well, next to impossible!

So one day I decided to find the KLove station, and I haven't moved the dial since.
Sure, maybe it's a bit like sticking my head in the sand - but my attitude has improved significantly. At first the "Positive, Encouraging" schtick seemed so Pollyanna - almost annoying. But now, I'm just happy.

My best friend and soulmate, Kikr, also listens to KLove in her city and we enjoy the fact that we are likely listening to the same songs at the same time!  We've talked about our favorites... and usually when I call her, I'm in the car, and by the time her voicemail kicks in - I'm in the middle of a verse of a favorite song and she has to wait for me to sing along to the refrain before I leave her a message! Because she is my soulmate - she LOVES that and is not annoyed.

We talked this weekend and the topic of our current favorite songs came up.  Maybe you've heard about The Story Project... different artists have recorded songs that tell stories from the bible.  The story of Naomi and Ruth is the first release and it's quite beautiful.

I told Kikr that, in listening to that song... she is my Naomi.  She married four years ago, and is still a daily force in my life! She is as invested in me finding a love in my life as I am. Sometimes more!

So I told her that the song reminds me of her - particularly the line that says,
"I'm with you,
Until your heart finds a home,
I won't let you feel alone
I'm with you, I'm with you"
I wanted her to know how blessed I am that even though her life is full, she still has time for me.  She blesses me every day.
She said, "Well, I've got news for you.  When you get married, I'm not going anywhere!"

I was reduced to tears, and with a tinge of shame I admitted that I was worried that I might lose her when her baby comes this spring.
She emphasized that she hasn't forgotten about me since she got married - we both know she's the ONLY one in that category!  Still, I worried that it was too good to be true that she'll have the same time, concern and intimacy with me once the baby arrives.

I am smart enough to realize that maybe we're not waiting until my heart finds a home... rather, perhaps her heart is my home.
It's certainly big enough and I am blessed!

Thursday, December 01, 2011

Awkward Pauses

The trouble with Christmas shopping is... everything for me is on sale too! And it's not as if someone is going to surprise me with the things I really want!

I ordered the most fabulous dress last week.  Had my eye on it for a while, but it was sold out. Then when it was restocked, I put it in my online shopping cart and it was gone before I could complete the order!! So when it was restocked yet again... I HAD to buy it. It's just such a perfect dress - appropriate for work and for church and even an evening out with the right accessories.

Am I right or am I right?!
(from - I do not receive any compensation for mentioning this online store... but I'd be willing if they were offering!! I love love love ModCloth!!) 
Anyway, since it was coming via UPS I had it shipped to work because if they try to deliver to my condo... it takes three exchanges on that silly sticky note to get them to actually leave it for me! Much easier to just send it to work... and then share my excitement with some girls in the office!!

So, the truck comes and there is the box I've been waiting for! Yay! Oh, and it's so pretty... so much nicer even than I expected!

I went to hold the dress up for one of my co-workers to see - and at that moment an older woman from another department steps in, admires the dress and asks, "Where are you going?" indicating that I must have an occasion in mind for this purchase.

I'm dumbstruck. I didn't have an occasion in mind. I just wanted it, knowing it would be timeless, flattering and appropriate almost anywhere. Suddenly, I wondered if I was reckless, selfish, or maybe terribly indulgent.

I manage to stammer out the words... "I just liked it, so I bought it."
That was awkward. 

The woman looks me right in the eye and says, "I never do that. I always get things for my kids or my husband. I never get anything for me."

Um. Wow. Ahhhhhhhh.

Finally, I force a smile and say, "Well, I don't have a husband or kids - so I buy things I like for me. In fact, I still need to attract a husband so it's very important that I look good!"

I desperately wanted out of that conversation so I packed up the dress and went back to my desk. But what I wanted to say was, "Oh, don't be such a martyr! Buy yourself something.  Good Lord woman, your kids are grown - why are you still buying them stuff??!"

Seriously, just last week she was bragging about how wonderful and successful all of her kids are!

I know that moms today take some weird satisfaction about sacrificing EVERYTHING for their kids... which I actually find a bit ridiculous... I mean, yes I know that when the kids need shoes, you as a parent have to wear yours for another season if money is tight... I get that... but I can tell you that my parents never made a fuss about how they had to do without.  As far as I knew we all had everything we needed and much of want we wanted.  We were also told "No." plenty often.

I'm not talking about the difference between a wealthy family and a struggling family.  I'm talking about the odd martyrdom over the whole issue.  Come on, get off the cross... use the wood!

Personally, I don't think it's healthy for a mother to deny herself the little rewards... the everyday things that seem like indulgences once she has a family. Yoga class or time at the gym, the occasional pedicure, a new dress.
I have friends who - once the first kid is in preschool or kindergarten, suddenly realize they need those moments and those "me times", and they suddenly move heaven and earth to make the time for it. Maybe I won't understand completely until I'm responsible for another life... but it seems to me that  moms need to take care of themselves.  Work a few indulgences into the budget. A mom who is stretched too thin is not the best for her children either.

It's motherhood - not martyrdom.  Does pointing out all your sacrifices make someone a better mother?
I don't think so. In fact, I think it makes your kids lose a little respect for you.

Of course, if I were blessed enough to be able have kids, I'd gladly limit my shopping and wear my shoes right through the soles if that's what it took to provide what my children need... but I don't expect sainthood for it.