So it was nearly out of the blue.
As I sat in my parents living room, enjoying the wonder of satellite TV, after Mom and Dad both were gone to bed - modern technology brought me a greeting from someone in my past.
Text: How was my holiday weekend thus far?
I wondered why he chose just then to check in on me. I explained that I had rushed home for a family funeral, and that the big holiday would be spent in the car driving across a state and a half to return.
We exchanged a few more kind and welcome messages. He explained that he had left me a voice mail. Due to the rural nature of my parent's locale, somehow I was getting texts but not phone service. Hmm? I explained that I'd have to check it when service improved.
The next day, I packed up the car and set off for home.
Now my consciousness was flecked with thoughts of this charming man - wondering why he was contacting me and what it might mean. Telling myself it's probably nothing. He's just kind and friendly.
Finally, the voice mail came through - he explained that he was at holiday BBQ and encountered someone who looked so much like me that he felt compelled to reach out to me while still at that party!
Wait. That's interesting.
More wandering thoughts. Efforts to keep such thoughts in check.
No TRS, you are probably destined to be alone. Don't let yourself desire anything. You could just get hurt again.
I thought of my friends who are currently planning their wedding.
How my friend's fiancee once leaned over to share his thoughts with me as she worked in the kitchen one day. He whispered to me, "Isn't she fantastic?"
She was just getting utensils out of a drawer and he was overwhelmed by God's creation of her, and his appreciation of all she has to offer him. Her heart, her soul, her mind and yeah, probably her body too!
Isn't that want we all want? The one man who thinks you are the most amazing creature God created? Who feels so lucky to call you his own.
One of those things that feels impossible. But then you see it in others - so it must be.
Once I was home, he contacted me with some urgency - saying he'd really like to see me before he leaves town for a few weeks - but would understand if I didn't want to.
Of course I wanted to see McTwitchy!
Of course I also had some trepidation. I remembered a conversation we had months ago about him meeting a previous ex for dinner - and it didn't amount to anything, just friends.
Is that all he is up to?
Did he just want to be friends? He could be that guy, but I doubt it.
My thoughts were peppered with cautions. See him but keep your guard up. Hear him out. What could he possibly have to say? Don't even think about kissing him.
We agreed he could pick me up and we'd go get a drink.
I stood outside waiting for him because I wasn't going to let him inside.
He parked his car - which I thought was odd since I was already in the street - he didn't have to park.
His tall, thin frame stepped out of the car and enveloped me. He was draped over me. Wrapping me up as though his body were a quilt. I nearly disappeared.
Once we were at our table, he acknowledged that hearing from him must have seemed as if out of the blue - and that he feared I would have no interest in seeing him.
I said, "No, I wasn't that surprised. I knew I'd hear from you again."
He smiled. "You did?"
"Yes. I thought, he's going to figure out that was a dumb move."
As we talked, the guard I had carefully constructed crumbled down. Within minutes, we were both in comfortable territory.
I remembered how much I like him. But I sat across from him, still wondering what this meeting was all about. I wanted to ask him about his intentions but I couldn't offer such a cliche.
He explained that he had been thinking about me often, then when he saw this woman who resembled me - he knew it was a sign - even if I rejected him outright, he had to get in touch with me. He had to know.
"So she looked just like me?"
"Oh yeah. She was HOT!" he said in a way only he can get away with, assuredly giving me the compliment.
I won't go into excruciating detail - but he missed me. So very much. So convincingly. I am confident of that.
He shared some vulnerability. I was awed.
And I felt - as we talked, as we sat just looking at one another - that the affection I feel for him is returned, at least in kind. Maybe more. Always was.
Is that what it feels like? Is that what the thought, "Isn't she fantastic?" feels like when it is aimed at you and you alone?
I think I know.
We haven't determined if we are going to officially see each other again. But the door is open, and I'm tempted to kick it off it's hinges!