Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Permission

Better now.
Not 100% better but I'm feeling happier and able to function.

The words of my bloggy friend Genevra helped. She helped me to identify what I was really feeling, which was grief.

As she wrote in a post comment:
Your posts of late have struck me as someone who is in the grieving process, just not for someone who has actually died. More of a dream and/or expectation of how your life was suppose to have turned out by the time you were the age you are fast approaching.

Grieving the deaths of hopes and dreams is just hard as grieving the passing of a person, in my opinion. Maybe harder, because people can concretely understand how it feels or must feel to have someone you love die. I think it is harder when it is not a concrete thing.
I had begun to identify that myself when I thought that if I were widowed, others would acknowledge my loss. If I were dealing with a divorce, others would surround me with support. If I had lost a child, my friends would cry with me. But because I am grieving the loss of something I have never had... most people can't see that big gaping hole.

Thank you Genevra for giving me permission to grieve. Quoting Caroline Myss, she wrote:
"... sometimes the greatest gift another human being could give another was to just sit with them through their grief...."

I'll sit with you.
What a friend!

The other thing that irked me was the anonymous comment saying she had removed me from her RSS feed based on my posts the past few weeks.

That stung, because she indicated that a friend of mine had first shared my blog with her... and because less than a handful of my friends even know about my blog I guessed that the person she was referring to is the same friend who abandoned me when things got great for her and really tough for me.
When I went through a rather glamorous phase of life, she was bragging about me in a "That's my friend!" sort of way. Expressing her envy of a lifestyle that looked more glamorous than it was... but when the ride was over and I hit the ground... she hit the road. (The link above is the beginning of that story. Someday I'll share the rest of it. It isn't pretty and it hurts. This bitter post was in response to her truth.) So here this stranger was following the same pattern as this hurtful friend. I hope they have a great time together!

Anyway, it brought all those hurtful feelings back (clearly, when that was the LAST thing I needed!!!) and when I think of Miss Anonymous I see the face of that fair-weather friend and it makes my guts hurt.

Bottom-line, why did Anonymous tell me that she removed me from her feed, other than to be hurtful? Why not just remove it and move on? I mean, I don't care if I have readers or not (mostly - of course it's nice to have comments and of course I check for them!) I have not monetized my blog, I don't check my stats... I don't even know how to do. So the only motivation for Anonymous to point out that she removed mine from her feed was a virtual slap in the face.

And who needs friends like that?!

I know I'd be the bigger person if I didn't even acknowledge Anonymous... but the truth is, I'm not that big.

13 comments:

Tay said...

That was quite awful of her. I love your blog posts, even the hard ones - you express yourself so fully.

But isn't this what a blog is about? To say what you're feeling? I'm glad that you do.

Grief from loss of a hope is very hard and something I watched my mom go through. I pray that your grieving process can be quickly followed by happiness. And that the empty space will not feel so gaping and harsh and that it will be filled.

N, Kelly, D, E and Zoe said...

TRS -

I've been following your blog since you were on Rocks In My Dryer. I'm a silent reader most of the time!

I love your honesty. I think each of us can relate to having our expectations not be the path God has for us. Unfortunately life usually involves more questions rather than answers. I wish I could say this is why you don't have a husband. I can't and it doesn't make sense.

Of course you'll grieve that. I actually think you'd be weird if you didn't. Even thought Anonymous feels you're not entitled, I love that you share that with us. Know that you've got people, silently sitting, reading your posts and just praying for you.

Jennifer M. said...

I thank you for sharing your frustrations with us. Believe me, it helps you to be able to talk about it and we like being able to support you when you're down. :)

That sucks about your Anonymous post. I still can't believe she wrote that! It seems to me that she was just trying to make herself feel better by making you feel worse. Try to hold your head up and allow yourself not to care what she thinks of you. I know it's very hurtful what she said, but she's the one who has to live with herself and with her similarly fair-weathered friend.

Genevra said...

I'm so happy that what I had to say comforted you, but really I don't credit for the words of comfort. I wasn't kidding when I said I was falling asleep when that thought occurred to me and wouldn't leave until I got up to post it as a comment. I'm glad I listened to the prompting and posted it when I did.

I am so happy that you are feeling better. I'm also happy that you haven't let this stop you from using your blog however you want, to process your thoughts and feelings.

Keep it up my friend!

Anonymous said...

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Sarah said...

I am a silent reader also. I have several blogs in my list and skip over several but I always read yours. I hate what you are going thru, and I wish I had words of wisdom to give to you, alas I have none other than chin up and keep going.
Thanks for letting us read bits of your life.

Kathleen said...

"Bottom-line, why did Anonymous tell me that she removed me from her feed, other than to be hurtful?"

She probably has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. To be brutally honest, she told you she unsubscribed because she WANTED to hurt you. Sad, but the truth.

I look forward to receiving your RSS feeds everyday. You are quite a blessing in my life, I can assure you. No matter what you have to say, or your mood. All I ask is that you be you, on purpose. :p

Rachel said...

I've had several friends, real and virtual, lately who are dealing with not feeling like they can be themselves online. Either their blog, facebook, twitter, etc. That's one of the nice things about this form of communication is that you ought to be able to be yourself. So please, feel free to grieve and we will grieve with you.

Terry said...

Dear TRS: Please continue to blog, you fill my heart with joy, weather you know this or not, you have helped me as well. Don't let someone get to u expesically if they can't even leave their own name. They are nothing!. They have no clue. Grief is a word that everyone goes through and it has nothing to even do with dying, as I am going through some major issues as well. God, is there with us and he is our believer.Some of the greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. The song say's it Some Of God's Greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. Remember you have alot of us that care, we are here to help you, like you help us. and you have spoken to my heart alot and knowing I am not the only one out there. Being home on Short term disability and going through the hurt of someone who has hurt me and used me we spoke over this and you have helped and guided me through some of it. God bless you you are an amazing person it will happen God has his plan. Please keep your blogs coming its inspiring and keep the faith.

Jenn said...

You and I have been following Amy Beth's blog for a long time, but I don't remember the last time I left you a comment.

I feel you on the big gaping hole, friend. You are not alone!!

I can't ignore the anonymous' either in my life, but I can cut them out. They've become so toxic in my life because they can't see past their own lives. I finally decided I was "worth more". I'm still struggling with having cut out someone that I care deeply about. But, I'm tired of hurting or being dismissed in friendship.

I keep holding my faith to the Hope that God has not forgotten about me and sees the desires of my heart! I'll be praying for you too! Have a blessed day!

Anonymous said...

Hey our dear TRS,


Are you ok? Not seen any updates from you in a while ( I check everyday lol)...just wanted to see how things are.
Hope all is good.
Roze xx

erinannie said...

Just dropping in to say hello. I hope you are doing well!

Lia said...

I first found you through Rocks In My Dryer, and immediately thought my cousin would LOVE your blog. Then, I checked in again. And again. And now, due to my own time constraints, I check in about once a month or so.

As a 34 y/o single woman, I have been able to identify with many of your inner struggles. I have LOVED reading what you write...you express yourself so well, and sometimes I feel like you're writing what I wish I could put words to myself.

I know I'm late to comment, but I am truly sorry for the things you were going through. And, I'm glad you are getting better.

Happy belated birthday!!!

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