Leave 'em Wanting More

I'm usually the last one to leave a party. I don't know if its because I'm a night owl in the first place, or because I'm happy to help clean up... Probably because I just keep talking.

At least I know this is my weakness, and a sometimes undesired trait.
When I started dating Mr. Burns, at the point that we started hanging out at his house, I told him that I have a tendency to overstay my welcome. Warning him that he may have to say, "Okay, time for you to go home!" And in fact, he soon realized he had to, and was glad he had permission to do so.

Yes, I know the theory that you should always leave them wanting more - rather than wishing you would leave already. But as it turns out, I always seem to be on the other side of that fine line.

I had a date this weekend, and after dinner we went for a walk nearby. It was somewhat circular, and so had a prescribed end. We walked and talked and I felt like it was all going too fast. I wasn't sure if one of us was setting the tempo, or if there was a deadline I was unaware of....
Then he drove me back to my car, where he stopped in the middle of the street, got out and opened my door to let me out. He hugged me, asked for a kiss, asked if we could go out again.... SOON!
It all felt so rushed! There were cars waiting behind us in the street!

I thought, "He's not trying to get rid of me if he's asking for a kiss and another date. Why is it so rushed?"

When I got home, he emailed me saying he felt like we didn't get to talk enough, please let's go out again.
So then I wondered, why did we part at 9:15 if we both wanted to stay together?!?

Then it dawned on me, for the first time probably ever... I left someone wanting more!
Yay me.

Husband Stealer

So the big news today was Angelina Jolie's boobs.
Sorry, that was glib... the news was Jolie's announcement that she opted for a preventative double mastectomy due to the 87% percent likelihood that she might develop deadly breast cancer like her mother before her.

Certainly, that was a brave decision. Particularly for someone who makes her living from her beauty and her figure. It was good of her to share her decision and thought process... and to discuss the kind of support she has to make that tough decision.

This is good for society, to educate women about their options. Rich or poor, you probably have more options than you think. It's good to start the discussion.

Then I was scrolling through my facebook feed and saw a status like this...

"Just in case I couldn't admire her more... Angelina Jolie has a preventative double masectomy.. ♥"

my response:

"I can't admire anyone who cheats and steals husbands."

Admire her? Sure, she adopts children from third world countries... she does volunteer work in those countries, and donates money to great causes, but I have just never gotten passed the fact that she stole someone's husband on a movie set. 

Yeah, she worked closely with Jennifer Anniston's husband, Brad Pitt, on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith - but she knew he was married. She should have kept her hands off. 
I'm not releasing Brad of blame... I'm just saying, it takes two, and when you know he's off the market, you have a responsibility to walk away. 

I'd rather be known for walking off the movie set to avoid temptation, than be known for ignoring the sanctity of anyone's marriage. 

I was thinking about it after I left that comment - I tend to get a little worked up when I share something challenging, afraid I'm starting World War III or something. This is when I think of rebuttals to anyone who might jump down my throat for an opposing viewpoint.

The more I thought about it... I thought, tearing someone's marriage asunder is not much different than making that woman a widow. I mean, there she was, thinking she had a future with the man she loved, and boom, suddenly she has to face life without him! 

As a woman who has been praying for my husband for many, many years, I have a pretty good idea how I would feel if I found him - and then had him ripped away from me! I think dealing with death would be easier because at least it would be God's will. But if someone stole him?!  That's unforgivable.

Then I thought some more.
As a woman who has been single her entire life... do you have any idea how many husbands I could have stolen? 

The only men who have ever been really interested in me, have been married. I could have broken up someone's marriage and lived happily ever after if I'd wanted to. If I were that kind of person.

Someone once asked me how I've reacted to all those married men. Did I flirt with them? chase them? engage their interest?
Nope. Dude. You're married? Get out of here. Shoo.
Yes, you're good looking, yes you're rich... you may even be everything I'm looking for in a man --- except single!  No, I'm not going to entertain the thought. Heck, I'm going to give you a lecture on fidelity! I'm going to remind you of your vows.

Just a few months ago, I told a married flirty what his kids would think of him if he cheated, if he left their mom.  That someone like me wasn't going to date a married man. That if he did leave his wife... ain't no good woman anywhere that would get involved with him, knowing he left his spouse and more than a handful of kids.
He looked insulted. I said, "Yeah, you're a great looking guy, with a great job. Women would be interested. But only a crazy-@$$-B!tch would get involved in that mess. Then one day you'll look around and wonder why you left your wonderful wife and have to deal with crazy-@$$-B!tches all the time!!"
With that, he had to agree.

Yes, I actually want some credit for NOT stealing husbands! Apparently it's acceptable behavior and I'm just a fool for acting honorably.

I dunno, I don't even see what's so attractive about Angelina Jolie. Never did. Yeah, she's pretty, beautiful even. But I don't get what all the fuss is about. I think one's actions speak much louder than one's beauty. She's not beautiful to me.

Beware of Flakes

My sweet neighbor is one of the most beautiful women I know. She wears vintage clothes and quirky hats, owns her own business and is smart, funny... and stuck on her ex for way too long. So when a charming, handsome man walked into her shop one day, she was excited when he asked her out and they started dating earnestly.

Last week I asked her how things were going. They broke up. It was mutual, but he did say that he had so much going on with his business that he couldn't devote the time and commitment that she deserved - to really date and get to know her. Sounds honest and respectful doesn't it?

Yeah, I've heard it too.  More than once.
A couple years ago, a man I met on a dating site gave me that spiel after three or four dates.
At the beginning of this year, I heard it from another guy... big project at work, taking classes toward his masters degree... truthfully, he actually fell off the planet, and I heard this explanation later.

My gut says, all these guys are flakes. Why are you on a dating site if you're not really ready to date? Rule number one in dating, BE AVAILABLE.
In truth, maybe these guys are ready to date, and the whole, "my life is just too busy right now" is the new, "I'll call you".  It's what they say when they don't know how to get out of the situation.

That's flaky. If you're really looking for love in your life, you're not going to let a class or a heavy work load get in the way of building a relationship with someone you think could be your future.
You're just not.
So saying your life just got too busy is a cop out.  It may be true, but the whole truth is you weren't really interested. That's okay. But at a certain age, be man enough to just say that.

The reason I think it's flaky is because this M.O. Is unique to my generation... my age group.
Some of my friends think it's unique to Menver. (That's Denver for the uninitiated. A city in which the male to female ratio is so skewed, that men have no sense of urgency to lock in a mate.)

Flaky.
Yeah. Because in my parent's generation and generations before and after... men were going off to fight wars, but they were getting married the day before they shipped out... or on shore leave.
They weren't waiting for just then right time, or just the right girl. They weren't waiting to finish up a big project (World War II) before they were going to fall in love and make a commitment.

But they also didn't have an endless Internet source funneling eligible women into their inbox either. Tomorrow was immediate. Not some far off future in which anything could happen and an endless supply of potential women to do it with.

But there's another flaky feature to watch out for...

Another friend of mine has just returned to dating after a divorce. She honestly took a couple years to heal, before putting her heart out there, so she's serious about being ready for love.

She called me the other day to get my opinion on what to do about a guy who made tentative plans with her. It was now the evening of the plans, they had settled on the day and the place, but not the time to meet. At this point she was two hours out from a reasonable date start time, and no word from the guy for confirmation. Warning bells sound in my head, but she teases me about being jaded, so I don't say the first thing that popped into my mind... "He's a flake, forget about him. Don't waste your time or energy."

She decides to text him, an hour later, nothing. Then I tell her he's a flake. When a guy doesn't lock in the whole plan in one conversation, he's not going to. He's hesitating. I dunno, maybe they get some kind of kick out of making half- baked plans. Maybe they send a friend to survey the date site and see if the woman turns up.

The first guy who flaked on me that way, turned out to be an ex-convict! I learned quickly.
My point is... just see a flake for what he is. Don't be too hurt. Don't invest any more. No more energy. No more hope. No more time. He's a flake. If he's going to redeem himself, let him do it on his own. It's on him. Not you. Just a little dating advice from someone whose been dating a long time.

Wardrobe Perk-Up

I have been over winter since mid- January.
Yes, officially it's spring and Easter is this weekend, but here in Denver we just got out biggest snowfall of the year, and it stuck! Finally this morning there was more green grass on our lawn than snow. Yay.

It's not the cold that wears me on winter as much as the fact that I get sick of wearing the same clothes! I just want to wear something different and the cheapest way to do that is to change the weather!

I went to Las Vegas the first week of March, wore a swim suit and tank tops and got sweaty. It was awesome! ( yes it was with a guy, no we didn't get married! )

I planned really poorly for the trip. Weather forecasts said it would be 70 degrees - and I guess my mind couldn't wrap around what 70 felt like while I was sitting in 40 degree weather! I thought it would be a bit chilly.
I packed skinny jeans, and cardigans, because I'm cold everywhere! Luckily at the last minute, I tossed a cute summer top into my already too-full bag. I was dying of heat in my skinny jeans, and it was too hot for the fashionable boots I'd packed, expecting to wear them with everything.
I had packed a pair of sweet slip ons... but had no idea that Vegas required so much walking! My feet still haven't recovered. I mean it. I'm in a lot of pain, and realizing that I have to start buying those really expensive, not cute, supportive shoes that don't go with any of my outfits.

Since I've been back though, I made a point to sort my closets. I've purged the things I really am not going to wear, shouldn't wear, and just can't fit into any more. Sigh.
It is an accomplishment though. Now I know what is in my closet, what I'm missing to create better outfits, and most importantly, the inventory is fresh in my mind and I'm reaching for clothes that I haven't worn in months!
That makes the next few months a bit easier as I transition into my spring and summer wardrobes.  Hopefully without having to buy too much new stuff.

The exception is shoes right now. My feet won't tolerate any of the gorgeous, lovely shoes I already own. And the shoes I need, start at twice what I am accustomed to paying for shoes. SIGH.

Oh, and the best BEST part of purging my closet? Giving away some lovely things to my friends. Two of them who have had similar bad luck in the job market as I suffered a couple years ago. It's nice to be able to perk up their wardrobes. New or new to you can go a long way in spring cheer!

Yes We Call Him Father

Admittedly, I was a bit terrified when Pope Benedict IXV announced his abdication of the papacy. Immediately, I wondered what kind of threats the Vatican might be receiving. Then I realized that the Pope would prefer martyrdom to cowardice. Whew. That eliminates that theory.

I think we've all taken the papacy as a "til death do us part" agreement. But that was so before people lived as long as we do now. I certainly think its reasonable to set a precedent now, that our Holy Father not be expected to serve into such old age.

And Wednesday, oh how moved I was when the white smoke in Rome, signaled we had our Pope! Then Pope Francis greeted the crowd with his humble little wave, and asked us for prayer... And he chose to be named after Saint Francis of Assisi! The perfect papa!

We Catholics love him already! Somehow we know this is just the man to lead us at this time in history. Oh how I love my Church! Always true.

What's interesting is, now I'm dating a wonderful Christian man - not Catholic - who questions what I believe about the Church, ( not in a hostile way, just trying to understand) and I don't have sufficient answers for him. Yes, I know what I believe. I know why I believe. But I've believed what I believe for so long, I can't even understand why he questions it.

For example, he asks how we can call someone on earth "father", in contradiction to the bible. I explained that the Pope, our bishops and priests are vicars of Christ, His presence on earth. But that's not enough explanation. I accept it, he doesn't.

Oh, how do we do this? I even work with our RCIA class, and know the truth to share, but it's so rarely enough for someone who is not open to it.
Sigh.

Yes, we call him Father. And it is right and good.
I wish that could be enough.

No One Understands

I find myself in a position that no one can understand.
Yes, sweetly they try, but no one gets it.

I've mentioned before that passed the age of 40, I've come to terms with my diminishing fertility. Sure, it could still happen but I'm not holding my breath. And I'm pretty comfortable knowing that I won't have children. I'm still sad about it sometimes, but normally it's okay.

The man I'm dating now is a father. He has three kids, and if he could choose, he's done. The fact is, he is done, thanks to a decision by his ex wife.
Together, we babysat my friend's toddler one Saturday evening. She was an absolute delight, (she loves her auntie TRS). Afterward, he told me he's worried he's not the guy for me, because I so obviously OUGHT to have children, and he can't give that to me. He wonders if he should bow out, because he thinks I deserve someone who can give me children.

Oh please. I've lived my whole life waiting for someone to have children with... If he hasn't shown up  by now, well yeah, it's a little late.
That ship has sailed. My fertility is in my past. I don't want him to feel he's keeping me from something that's not going to happen anyway.

When I share this with friends they insist I could still get pregnant and have a baby. ( sure it's possible - but not likely- and I have to live with unlikely)
I can adopt, we could foster children. Yes. But that's not the point. I wanted to experience truly being a woman. To experience pregnancy, childbirth, nursing. But now? Would I want to start with an infant at my age? If God wills it, absolutely. But that's not likely. It seems He has made darn certain  that I, TRS will never reproduce. I can't imagine why, but there it is.

No one really understands where I am now. I've accepted that its not likely that I'll have children, and I'm okay with it. A man who wants to give me everything, including something he can never give me, worries that he's not enough for me.  ( I appreciate his frustration)

Sometimes I think everyone who thinks I could still have babies, doesn't realize that those celebrities my age and older who have healthy twins, have had thousands if not millions of dollars of in-vitro (something I'll never do)  not to mention nannies, and no need to work for a living.
They don't realize that if I could have a baby, I'd likely suffer through multiple miscarriages first. How heartbreaking would that be?

I've accepted where I am, and no one understands. Worse, no one wants to accept it with me.

Or, am I beyond being realistic? Am I only seeing the negative? What do you think?

The Sweetest Thing

The best thing just happened.

(Back story first)
I'm seeing a man with kids. I've only met the kids a couple times, and it's still a bit awkward for them to see their dad dating. But I guess they see that he's happy and it must be making an impression.

(now back to the story)
The oldest boy is in high school, and he just got the idea to give a girl a valentine. Did he ask his dad for advice? No. He asked his dad to ask me what he should do.

Ehr muh gawd! This is so exciting! So unbelievably cute. 

He's never asked a girl on a date before, and he wanted to do something special for Valentine's Day. I suggested a single flower with a simple card - no need for elaborate declarations of love... just "Happy Valentine's Day" inscribed, unless he's inspired to put more words to paper. (He's not.) 
For the date? An activity that keeps the teenagers occupied, like a movie or arcade. (Dear Lord, don't make them suffer through a dinner date at that age!) 

I think it's the fact that, not having kids of my own I expect to forever miss out on these kinds of milestones. The sheer fact that he wanted my opinion... not his dad's (or even his mom's)  Oh... it's the sweetest thing.

It's so important to be important to a child. I'm not there yet, and he won't be a child for long... but that was a GREAT feeling!

A Numbers Game

I'm not so sure it is a numbers game.
That's what I hear... in order to find the right person, it's a numbers game. That's something people like to say - that if you just keep dating, you're bound to find someone who wants you as much was you want them.

It seems like a good idea, but I think I've disproved it.
Or at least I'm the exception to the rule.

I've just met someone who has never really dated. He married fairly young... stuck it out... and now he's dating for the first time.

It makes me a little uncomfortable. Like it's not fair that he hasn't been through all the scrapes and scabs that I've had to go through. But that's not fair. He's dealt with his own scrapes.

We joke that he's never dated, and that's all I've ever done!

Then he asked me how many men I've dated, and I thought... I don't even know! I mean, what counts as dating? A first date? A month-long relationship? Someone I've kissed?
Honey, I stopped counting after 40. And 40 was probably 10 years ago! (not that I was actually counting)

Funny, that has seemed perfectly normal to me. Meet someone, go on a date. Anyone I found interesting, I'd go on a date with them.
I've met a guy in the park while roller blading - I think that was one date. I met another guy at a bookstore - that was a couple of dates, lots of hanging out.

But when you start putting numbers to it - (even, blessedly, knowing I haven't slept with that many men...) it sure looks like an incredible amount - compared to someone who, at my age, is only on number two!

It reminds me why dating has been so frustrating. I have to explain that, while he's excited to have met someone he enjoys..  I've been there, done that. Everyone is interesting at first. Ultimately, someone ends up disappointed. And when you've been disappointed over and over and over again - the thrill wears off, even when it's thrilling.

All of those men, and none of them thought I was worth keeping.
Which, leads him to believe, he said, that most men are stupid!

I Found the Silver Lining!

Ten years ago... I had just moved to a new city, a tad over age 30... and more than a bit worried about being single. I was living with my cousin and his wife for a few months, and in one conversation with her about my dating life, I said, "If I don't find someone soon, I might never have kids!"
Because when you're 32, people are constantly warning you about your waning fertility.  Don't worry, they shut up when you turn 40 - which is equally hurtful. 
She told me not to worry about it. Unless I was planning to have a child without a husband, there was no point worrying about it.

That's hard to accept.  We like to think we can control what we want to control, even though we know full well that we can't.
So I had a long talk with myself. Could I be okay with it if I never had children? Yes, I decided, at age 32, that I guess I could be okay with it.
That lasted about a year. Until one day I was driving in a homey neighborhood and it hit me. "If I never have children, I'll never have grandchildren. And that is NOT OKAY!"

Quite frankly, that's when I got a bit panicky about finding a husband. I didn't want to grow old alone.
I couldn't imagine a life in old age, and not having any grandchildren stopping in to visit me.  Can you imagine having no family in your old age? That's terrifying.

But I've just made a discovery.
I've realized that now, at my age (a touch over 40) you just have date divorced men.  Men who have reached 42-43 or older having never been married or had kids... you know what, they're just not right. I know the same could be said for women... and I'll get into that some other time. My nutshell answer... women don't do the asking.

Anyway... when you date divorced men, they tend to have kids.
One man I've been getting to know has a son who is 20.
Another man has three kids... one who will graduate from high school soon. And it dawned on me... step-mothers, in healthy family relationships, get to be grandmothers!!

Why that never occurred to me before, I don't know.  My own, dear nieces and nephew have three sets of grandparents. The woman who was someone's step-mother - is just as much their grandmother as their parent's mothers.

This is so exciting to me!
If I were to be so blessed to have a husband, I would accept any children God gave me. At the age I am now, I'm not sure I would choose to start a family any more. If God ordains that... sure. I'll do what He calls me to do.
If I'm not called to have children, that's okay too.

But having Grandchildren just became more likely than having children!!!  I LOVE that!


(this post dedicated to the wonderful woman who was the 'third grandma' in our family - please give an eternal hug to my daddy when you see him! We were blessed to know you.) 

Still Learning.... So I Know Better

For the past few months, I've found myself thinking about Mr. Burns a lot.
Remembering little details from our relationship. So much it started to really bother me.

Of course I don't want him back. But yes, I miss being in a relationship.

Finally I realized, these thoughts swirling in my head, not obsessing, but clearly in the forefront of my brain... ah hah... I'm still learning from that relationship.

Still learning. I'd say that's a blessing. A painful blessing.

One of my good friends, as distraught as I am over my singleness... has asked, "Could it really not work with Mr. Burns? He was a good man."
Well, yeah. But that depends on your definition of a good man.

Very early in our relationship, it was clear that his family was very important to him. That's a good thing right? But then why did he speak so disrespectfully to his mother, on the phone? Right in front of me...  he was so short and curt and rude with his mother and didn't have an shame over it.
He'd explain that she had dementia, and that it was frustrating to have a conversation with her. I remember thinking at the time, "My dad is hard of hearing, and it can be frustrating to carry on a conversation, but I would never talk to him like that."

When I finally got to travel with him to meet his family, I found that his brothers treated his mother just as terribly. With no patience, and no respect. I met her. She was lovely, even if I did hear the same stories more than once in the short time I was there!

Later I learned that his incredible fondness for his family was for his many brothers and sisters. He would do anything for them, support them through anything. (through stupid, awful things quite frankly - like lying to their mom about one of them being in jail!) It took years for me to realize that it would be to the exclusion and detriment of having his own family. Or bothering to get to know my family. Yes, he held his family in high regard, but that was not an indication that he would care for anyone else.

When my brother brought his family out for a ski weekend, Mr. Burns and I were to drive up to the mountains to meet them. He actually told me, as we were driving, "I really don't want to do this."
What an @$$! Who SAYS that?!

There are lots of things people don't WANT to do in relationships. Things that take us out of our comfort zones. Things that, even if it's difficult, make us better people. Things that show others that we care about them. He had a tendency to never do any of those things.

One thing he would never do was meet my parents. He had lots of opportunities, but somehow his work schedule would get in the way... every time. (funny, if it was about his family, his work schedule never interfered.)

One thing about me, I have always talked about my dad a lot. I loved him so much, found him hilarious, and have always been proud of him. So naturally, I shared some stories of my dad's quirky personality with Mr. Burns. After a while, Mr. Burns used that information to feign a familiarity with my dad. He'd try to act out Dad's quirks, or say he was doing something like my dad. Even using the shortened version of my dad's name! That seriously ticked me off.  How dare you act like you know my dad?!??! Especially when you won't make the effort to meet him!

What all these memories have taught me, is that I didn't know how to articulate my frustration at the time. Inside, I would be hurt and angry, but because I didn't know what to say - I didn't say anything. I wanted to wait until I had the right words... and I never had the right words.
Mr. Burns even asked me on multiple occasions, why I put up with so much from him.
I thought it was because I was growing patience. And maybe I was.

But now I know what disrespect looks like, sounds like, feels like.
Now I have something to say about it.

Even in those moments when I think, it's still nicer to be in a relationship... that it was better to be miserable with Mr. Burns than to be miserable alone... because then, at least, there was someone to share the day with... someone to laugh with...  in those moments I know the pain of those years and some of the time since... was worth it. Worth it because, I know better now.

Because I know more about what love DOESN'T look like - surely I'll be more able to recognize it when it is real and right in front of me.

Rumors and Trust

I listened to almost three hours of a friend hashing over her crush on a co-worker.
This woman is 40.
But I listened. There have been dates, if you can call them that, but he's been stringing her along for at least eight months.

He's a very successful man, and single - so of course everyone at her work is curious about his private life. How is he still single? they wonder. He must be a player. they suppose. The co-workers talk about a married woman who changed jobs a few years ago, and they suspect there was an affair between her and Mr. Successful.

But that's just a rumor. And I told my friend, "Rumors are just rumors until you know the truth. And people will talk, especially about the single guy.  They'll just assume that he's a player and a heartbreaker because they think that is what they would do in his position."

Quite frankly, I'll bet money that even the people at my church assume that I'm out bed-hopping with random men... just because I'm single. They think that's what single people do.  Even church-going, Catholic singles.

Then I asked my friend, "If you find out he did have an affair with a married woman, is this someone you want have a relationship with?"

She looked at me and said, "Well, I'm no different. I slept with someone who was engaged, before they broke up...  but it was a loveless relationship..."

At that point I wanted to say, "That sounds like the kind of excuse people who cheat use." but I didn't want to kick her while she was down. Plus, her face revealed she was concerned about my judgment.

It's not judgmental, it's smart. If that's his level of respect for marriage when he's single, what would you expect from him when he's married?

Personally, I'm shocked that this is acceptable to her. Yes, of course people deserve forgiveness and people can change. But I don't think even that is where her heart is.
Sure, if they develop a relationship and discuss their expectations and reveal their hearts - something good could happen.
But considering a guy who has kept someone at arm's length for eight months, I'd say he's not all about communication.

This is how hard it is out there. It's easy to start compromising your standards just to have someone pay attention to you.

I joke that there are so many reasons I'm single.  I won't date married men, I don't date cheaters and I don't sleep around.  As a result... I'm very very single.
But I still think that's better than the alternative.

Thanksgiving Break from Pleasantries

I'm hibernating.

Thanksgiving Day, I happily slept til about 9:00AM. Well, almost. My nephew called me at 7:30 and didn't take the hint from my sleepy, cobwebby voice. Finally I said, "You know, it's a holiday. I was planning to sleep in! You called me at alarm clock time on a sleep in day." Which resulted in laughter when he remembered the rule about talking to me before 9:00AM (don't)  (relax, he's almost 30 - it's not like he's a little boy - plus he doesn't work, so a reprieve from such a schedule is lost on him! ) Also, he didn't take the time zone into consideration. Luckily I was able to fall back asleep.

So I slept in and stayed home. I made some phone calls and sent some texts wishing people a happy Thanksgiving. I was invited to a couple of gatherings but just didn't feel like it.  Don't feel sorry for me, it was just what I wanted.
In fact, during the approaching week, I found myself wincing when someone heard I didn't have plans, for fear they'd extend an invitation. I knew I didn't want to have to put on a pleasant face for people who don't really care. (you know - like folks who ask how you're doing, but don't want you to elaborate beyond "fine") It was just going to be too much effort to make pleasantries when I would rather just... not.

So yes, I'm hibernating. I think a reprieve from Thanksgiving is healthy every three years or so.

I stayed home and watched movies all day. It was great! Like taking a sick day without being sick.
So for your pleasure... my lessons gleaned from a day of Romantic Comedies.

I started with Sweet Home Alabama.  I'd seen bits of this movie, but finally watched the whole thing. I loved how you can't predict which guy she'll end up with. The Lesson: What being the better person looks like. (it's not a spoiler if the movie is over 5 years old...) Her New York Boyfriend loved her enough to let her go. I loved how he said, "Wow, so this is what it feels like." and there are moments when she gets too big for her britches, thinking she's better than the people who never left her po-dunk town. She has to learn how to be gracious.

Next up: While You Were Sleeping. I forgot how much I love that movie. Really really love. I really relate to Lucy - the girl with the passport that has no stamps in it - who just really wants a family more than anything. So sweet.
The Lesson: life doesn't turn out like you planned. God is making it better. God will give you just what you need. I have to learn to wait... and trust!

The Accidental Husband - I don't remember ever even hearing about this. Probably because how does anyone expect a leading lady to hem and haw over Colin Firth?!?!  Honey, you just marry Colin Firth!!!  But then... the interloper is Jeffery Dean Morgan (remember him as Denny from early seasons of Grey's Anatomy? ) Yeah, he is pretty yummy. 

 

The Lesson: It's one thing to go with Mr. Safe and Dependable, but if you've never given any Mr. Rugged and Impulsive a shot, simply because of your own fears you'll never know he can provide his own brand of security.

The problem with these movies though - is that the heroine had two quality men to choose from. Each was planning to marry to start out with, until someone comes and shakes up her world. Within a week they're prepared to marry the interloper?!?!?!  Not real. Come on. Who ever has TWO men to choose from!

I also watched Step Mom - which is just a great great movie!  The message for single women in the beginning of the film is... if you've never had kids you're selfish and can't possibly know how to handle kids. So insulting! But that assumption holds up in society. Everyone tells me to date divorced dads... but divorced dads assume I'm immature and not ready for commitment simply because I've never been knocked up!  (and that's before they even meet me! )

Either way, a nice lazy day.
Hope your Turkey Day was to your liking!


(photos from google image search) 

It's Not Just Me

There are days that I think it must be me.

It's me who is undesirable, unloveable.  Not as pretty or thin as I used to be.
Or maybe men can sense that I'm not going to sleep with them... at least until I know him. So they don't even approach me.

But then I realize that so many of my girlfriends are experiencing the same thing.
First dates that don't lead to second dates.  Second dates that result in radio silence.
Not a single BAD date, mind you. Just men who never follow up again. For no real reason.

The women I know... beautiful. smart. physically fit. kind and generous.
I've always said, if these are the women on the bench in this game.... I truly don't understand it.

The saying was something like... a woman over 40 has more chance of getting struck by lightning or killed by a terrorist than she does of getting married.
But I'm convinced, most of the time that that's not me.
I'm starting to see the reality of that saying.

My friend's husband says, as men approach their 40s unmarried - there's something wrong with them. He points to his own uncle as an example. They just can't get passed doing things their own way, making room for someone in their lives.

Why is that not true for women? Who knows.
I think women are always more collaborative. More willing to work together. More willing to give and sacrifice.
Yes, men can do all that too - but what my friend was saying, is if they haven't learned how to apply those skills before this age - they're just not going to.  I think that's so. (McTwitchy does too, it's one of his excuses.) 

And don't forget, that once I turned 40 I became invisible. Men my age are looking for someone younger.  Just like when I was younger, it was the much older guys who were interested in me - and most of them were married.

It's not just me. Even so, it's hard to accept.

Journey Through the Desert

My dear bloggy friends.
I have something to share with you.  I've touched on this before, but it has had so profound an impact on me - I feel I can't emphasize it enough.

If you've been with me for a while, you know that the year I turned 40 was especially hard for me.
At the beginning of that year, I finally broke up with Mr. Burns. He was the man that I had pinned my last hopes of marriage and baby-making to, so it resulted in a very complete and final conclusion to that chapter of my life.

Shortly after that, my very best friend suffered a miscarriage, and as I sat with her in her grief - God used that time to lead me through a very dark, scary and prickly place in which I grieved the loss of my own fertility.  (Thanks to Genevra for putting the words to it.)   I can't even tell you exactly how long it took, but looking back, knowing now what was accomplished, it was a full year or more.
The extra blessing was that God put my best friend and me together to help each other through it at the same time. I couldn't have done it without her.

The bigger point is that, I HAD to go through that grief. It was such a process, that occasionally I share with others what I went through and inevitably they say one of two things.... "Oh, you shouldn't feel that way." or "You could still have babies."

Arggghh!! That is so not the point!
First of all... really? God took me through a very dark time in my life to get me here, and you're going to dismiss all that work with "Don't feel that way."???!!!

Friends. I am so much better on this side. So much easier. Sure, I'm still sad about it sometimes. But it's about finally giving up control (which I never really had anyway). And if I miraculously find love and find that I CAN have baby... that will be awesome! If not, I'm already okay with it.

Recently, I shared this with another bloggy friend as we discussed my desire for a husband. She said, "I don't think that everybody needs a partner, but I also do not think that God puts a longing for one in your heart if He doesn't intend for you find one. "

That made me realize that now I know what the journey looks like. I know that it's dark and ugly. It's scary and hard and painful. Really painful.

I'm sure it won't be exactly the same, but I know that if there is no love in my future, God will address it.  He'll address it and I'll know it. I'll know because it's a different kind of pain.  But He hasn't worked that one on me... yet. So, I'll continue to hope.

Then my friend shared this...

"Hurt is always where He starts, I find. Always. And usually a whole lot of it. This is why we must rejoice, rejoice, rejoice over and over when it hurts so that He knows that we know."

That's the thing.  My BFF and I held each other through it. (oh, and by the way, she has a beautiful baby girl now!)  Since then, she met a woman who longs for a child, and for a husband... and because my BFF thought that she was younger than us, she told her that it was still coming her way. The new friend said, no.  It's passed. She's dealt with it.  Then my BFF realized that this new friend was a woman who didn't have someone to sit with her in that grief.

I'm sharing this with you... so you might know...  you might recognize when God is working on your single friend in this way. Sit with her. Walk with her. Carry her heart when it's too heavy.
It's one thing to grieve the loss of your fertility - but having to do it alone.... without a husband to share in that grief... without a friend to just give a damn that you're hurting...  well, be a friend. Don't let that happen to someone you love.

Fine Line Between Love & Hate

By now, I'm used to all the Catholic bashing.

Plenty of TV shows do it.  Even Downton Abbey is in on it,  (season three - not a spoiler ) although, at least at Downton, it's historically accurate.

Lord knows the political campaign (which can't end soon enough) spews hate not only at Christianity but at Catholicism specifically - ever heard of the "War on Women"?
Yeah, we hate abortion and don't want to pay for your birth control - we hate women.  Oh wait. I AM a woman!

It stands to reason any time I turn on the TV, I must be prepared for the possibility that my faith may be bashed.  SNL, any show with topical joke-writers. Meh. I take it with a grain of salt.

I went to catch up on episodes of a show that I theoretically shouldn't even be watching, (according to Church beliefs) But I consider myself an enlightened Catholic. 'Tis better to challenge my beliefs, be exposed to popular culture, maintain my beliefs and know enough to make a solid defense.

This show is called The New Normal - the premise is about a young woman who decides to become a surrogate for a gay couple. I've noticed in just a few episodes, that they seem to bash everyone equally.
But when I saw the beginning of this scene - one of the gay men going to confession with a Catholic priest, I cringed. Oh sweet Lord, what are they going to bash? Well, they do hit the standards first, but then...


or watch here

Color me pleasantly surprised. I think this is actually quite well-done. It's a better representation of how most Catholics (at least Catholics like me) approach the divide.  Contrary to popular belief, we don't hate homosexuals. In reality, we love them SO HARD!

I have some gay friends. One couple, made up of a dear friend of mine.  The last time I visited them, the conversation turned to the topic of the Church "hating" them. (guess who grew up Catholic?) 
I said, "No. The Church does not hate you." If so, the Church hates me too, because as a single woman, I'm not supposed to have sex either.  The difference is, I obey and you don't.

No, the Church does not hate me. The Church, like God wants the very best for me. The best for me is not sleeping with men who have no interest in marriage and family. It's not easy. My  physical desires, urges, wants and yes, needs... are all denied. Have been for years.

All because God wants the best for me. What people seem to hate about Catholics, is that we really want you to see things our way. (this is taken as 'pushing our beliefs down your throat." ) They see the Church as wanting to stifle all their fun too. To me, it's not that we want to limit everyone else's freedoms.  But if it isn't good enough for me, well I want better for you too.

And I really like what the priest says in that clip. Fight for it! Don't give up because it's hard. Go out there and grab God's best.

Okay... watched it again and loved it even more!  Also, that priest is hot... in a Dr. House sort of way! 

Over-Qualified

When my church has a social function, I still hold out hope that I might meet a single Catholic man if I attend. We had one this weekend. There were so many attractive men, I made a point of checking out their left hand ring fingers. Yeah, they each had a ring. Every last one of them.

Which supports my theory that men don't go to church until they're engaged. (Catholic ones in particular) My only hope is to convert one myself - but that seems doubly challenging, as I can't get men to hang on when I don't sleep with them on the third date - much less get 'em to go to Mass with me!!

So I was talking with a lovely woman who is married with kids attending our Catholic school.  We got to talking about some of the challenges our parish faces, in getting more people involved in activities. She seemed stunned when I said that I wish the school would put more information out on activities --- that I would love to attend school plays - or help coach a speech team -- but because I'm single with no kids, I never hear about them.

Just another way the Church has no idea what to do with single people.

This opened the conversation to other needs for community. I suggested real community fellowship, in which the single adults and families team up - study the bible together, visit each other's homes - instead of separating us like a group of lepers. "Because," I said half joking, "you married people need to stop acting like you don't have brothers-in-law and cousins that you could introduce me to!"

She laughed and said yes, she did had a brother, but she would never wish him upon me.
I hear that a lot. So many good, church going families only know of men who aren't suitable for a nice church-going woman.

Know what it reminds me of?
When I was unemployed and searching for jobs... I would hear back that they weren't going to bring me in for an interview because I was over-qualified for the position (the pay grade really).

You know what this country needs? Better jobs and better men, apparantly.

The Moments That Speak the Truth

Imagine my shock that I wasn't completely flamed and chastised for my post, remembering September 11, 2001.   I really thought I'd have at least a dozen people telling me how heartless I am for making that point, about such a tragic circumstance. One that didn't even impact me first hand.

Thank you, to those who commiserate with me - not for my loss, but for my heart which labors to make sense of these feelings. Knowing there are others who struggle with the same ugly feelings.

It doesn't help us to label some feelings "Too Ugly to Speak Of". What good does it to do categorize such things? If that's the case, then no one can speak of a miscarriage, or the death of a child, or witnessing a horrible accident. When we say that some things are too ugly, or too inconsiderate, or too uncomfortable - it dismisses the heartbreak of those who suffer with it.

It reminds me of (and this is completely random) a show NBC did with Jillian Michaels a couple years ago - Losing It with Jillian Michaels. It only lasted a season, and came on the heels of her fame with The Biggest Loser -- but I do not exaggerate when I say, if it had been the only thing Jillian Michaels had ever done in her life - it darn near makes her a saint.

In this show, JM would spend a week with a single family, helping them build a routine of exercise and healthy eating to save their lives. Not surprisingly, she delved in to find out what caused this downward spiral of bad health habits in the first place.
For one family, with the parents in their 60s, it came out that their firstborn child had been stillborn or had died shortly after birth. In those days, women were told to 'get over it' and 'move on' and the husband told never to speak of it for fear of making his wife sad. So for more than 40 years of marriage - they never spoke of the loss of their first born son. Including ever saying a word to their subsequent, living children.

And the doctors thought it best not to let the mother even hold that baby.
Imagine the misery, the pain and the hopelessness of pretending for so long that nothing ever happened.

On the program, JM encouraged them to talk about their loss. To cry about it, to grieve. To FINALLY grieve! I cried and cheered at the same time, excited that this hour of television could possibly help thousands more families to heal from a similar hurt.  For that reason, I will always respect Jillian Michaels. (Oh man.. I looked and I can't find the episode - but if you're interested watch this one... amazing: Losing It With Jillian - Native Americans & Diabetes)

My point here, is that is damaging to declare some things too ugly to talk about. It doesn't help anyone.

Contrastingly, and back to 9/11 - my friend asked me to watch this documentary of The Falling Man 

This documentary looks at one of the most stunning, tragic realities of the devastation and desperation of that morning. The people who jumped to their deaths from the World Trade Center towers.
A fact has been all but erased from history. Too tragic.
Talk about things too ugly to talk about.
Quoting the documentary, "Lonely, ten second journeys. A very public way of dying."

In watching the video 11 years after the fact, I feel the impact of the tragedy of all of those losses.
One man, ( at 12:50) recounts his last conversation with his wife, "She said to me, that she loved me. She said to tell the boys that I love them. I was shocked that she was saying this to me. I said, Of course I will, of course I will but it's going to be alright."

He didn't know he was wrong. Clearly, hoping against hope that all would be well.

Then as the documentary goes back to the crowds of people clinging to hope of finding their loved ones, one woman stood out. Her heartbreak spoke directly to my heart when she said, "If I don't find him I have to start all over again. It took me my entire life to find him and I don't know what I will do without him." (37:49)

That is the kind of pain I can relate to. I know, because I've spent my entire life looking for someone too.
I can imagine the agony of having finally found him - just to go out on the ashy, soot-filled streets desperately hoping to find him walking around delusional, as opposed to the reality of never seeing him again.

That woman knew the agony of waiting her whole life to find someone to love, and the knowledge that she   had him for a brief moment and now he's gone.

It all leads me to imagine just how glorious that brief moment was.
I imagine that man spent his final moments thanking God for letting him know that woman.

That is what so many of us are looking for. Even if it's just a moment in the grand scheme of the universe.

Thoughts and Memories of 9/11

I remember so much about that day. I was working in news and that was the biggest news day of all news days.  The only way to get through a day like that  is to just put your head down and go - no time to feel, not much time to think. Check your heart and soul at the door and pick it up when the work day is through.

Then, when the day was done, I drove to the gym and sat in my car for a few minutes as the events of the day finally crashed over me like a wave. Drenching me and pulling me under, until I was unable to breathe and dissolved into tears. It was the first moment I could feel the pain of what happened that day. The lives lost. The sheer horror.  The pride of watching rescue workers running to the danger when everyone else was running away. Knowing people simply disappeared.
I composed myself, then went inside the gym long enough to see more of the never-ending coverage on the TVs , dissolved into tears again, then I left.

I remember later, talking with a good friend of mine who told me that he was fixated on the stories of people trapped in the towers, or on the plane that would meet it's demise in PA.  Those who made their final phone calls - told someone important to them that they loved them, and sent messages to family.

My friend paused, preparing to say something I will never forget... he said, "I can only help but wonder, if I were in that situation, who would I call? Since I don't have a wife or children, I supposed it would be my parents. And knowing that, sort of depresses me."

I knew exactly what he meant, even though I had not thought of it that way until he said so.

Over the coming months, we heard all the tragic stories of wives who lost their husbands, left to raise their families alone. And I know this is terrible to say, but even then (I was 31) I thought, "But at least you were married. At least you knew there was one person in this world who loved you. Enough to marry you. Someone to build a life with, someone wanted a future with you, no matter how long or short that future is.  Someone who loves you so much, to whom you are so important... that you're the one they need to talk to in the final moments of life.  That means something, and you are so blessed to know love like that whether it was for 10 years or 10 months." But mostly I thought, "I feel that loss every day - and I've never even met the man I'm mourning."

I know it's not polite or compassionate to share these thoughts. I'll be accused of being unkind.
But this is my truth. I know it is devastating to lose a love. I don't deny that. I am sympathetic.
My sister and my dad both left this earth without warning.
I can only look forward to meeting the love of my life one day, and hope that one of us gets to say, "I love you. Goodbye."

You Heard It Here First - A Winner!!!

WE HAVE A WINNER!

Congratulations Kathy  -  you are the winner of Erin Ann's new book You Heard It Here First!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Everyone else...  the book is available right now on Amazon, 99 cents for the Kindle version and Erin Ann is offering the paperback at a discounted price of $7.99!! ( that's compared to the original price of $13.50 - Erin is just that sweet and generous!)

Kathy - we'd love for you to stop back and tell us what you thought of the story! I'll put your review on the blog!

Thanks for playing!

Enjoy!

An Ounce of Compassion

Oh some relationships are more than hard.  They're disappointing.
I've had a friend who has become less of a friend over the years. And through the past few years... that woven cloth of friendship has raveled down to a bare thread.

That thread snapped last week. Right about when I said something that didn't validate her perfect life and ideal existence.  Yes, she's one of those women who has it all, a doting husband, beautiful kids, with a charming house in the ideal neighborhood... but she feels inadequate if she can't decorate the kids rooms with Pottery Barn.

What I said wasn't exactly unkind... but it clearly didn't give her the warm fuzzies that she gets from everyone else in her life.  I'm sure she saw it as an unwarranted attack. What I'm sure she'll never see - even if she reads this, is that she instigated it just as much as I did. Yes she did.

See, when I went through one of the roughest times of my life - I was unemployed and had just broken up with the man I thought was my last chance at getting married and having a family, AND I was turning 40, which put an especially fine point on all the hardships - she decided it was too hard to take my calls. She told me later that she couldn't take the negativity.

Oh, well I'm sorry my life is so unpleasant for you. Some friend. Some human.
What kind of person sees someone go through a rough time, and just drops them?!

All she had to do was say, "You know, you don't deserve this. You would be an amazing wife, and it hurts me that someone with a heart as big as yours doesn't have someone to share it with." or "Oh my, I don't know what I would do in your situation without a job! Are you doing okay?"

But she didn't. (In fact, she said things like, "Unemployed since April? You must have had such an AMAZING summer!"  Um, yeah, I sat at the pool all day every day, not the least bit concerned with finding a job or trying to feed myself.  Or the time I was interviewing for a job I'd rather not take, but for the circumstances, I had to - she said that I should decline the job so someone who really needed it could have it. As if I didn't need the job, because since I'm single, my mortgage is paid for by fairies!!) 
No. She saw something that was hard and she turned her back.

All I needed was a little validation. Then, over the years, we still kept up on FB (which is a mistake) so all I ever saw was her asking for validation - that it was okay for her take time to exercise everyday - or okay for her to leave the kids with her hubby and escape to Starbucks to unwind.  And I thought all of that was okay. Sure - every mom deserves that. But it was the fact that every time she asked for validation, she got it. Twenty comments of validation at a time!!

And I thought, it's not fair that someone who couldn't validate me in a crisis - can get so much validation from the universe for things that aren't even hard! Then I would think all these other friends, who think everything she does deserves a laurel and roses, are going to be surprised one day when they need support, to learn that they're suddenly too difficult to love.

Yeah, I admit it made me bitter. I guess I'm negative, but she's the most deserving person on earth.
She wants a cup of coffee and the world sends her Starbucks gift cards.  I want a job, and I'm ignored. (or vilified for drawing unemployment!) I want love, and no one cares.   So forgive me if it pissed me off a little that she's constantly asking the world for more and getting it - and I ask the world for basics and get nothing.

So a friendship died a messy, stabby death.

Just an ounce of compassion on her end, might have been an antidote to gallons of bitterness.

When we don't validate our friends' hopes and desires, when we don't acknowledge that they're having a hard time or suffering a loss... it's like saying that you think they deserve their misery.
And if that's what you think... I guess that's fine, but don't pretend to be their friend.

You Heard It Here First - Book Giveaway

Exciting news!! 

Your bloggy friend and mine, Erin Annie, has poured her heart out on paper (a keyboard really, but you get the idea) and has self-published A BOOK.

Here's the official synopsis from You Heard It Here First: 

One day a financial blogger, the next, a TV expert on a political scandal. Haley McAdams' on-air epiphanies and liberated writing style, have landed some powerful men in hot water and there are consequences to pay.

That's an exciting start - but there's even more to it than that. It's part romance, part political thriller and 100% engaging. 

What I love about this story is the heroine, Haley McAdams, because I can relate to her. She's a hard worker, she's taken her hits - plenty of them - dusted herself off and sets her mind on doing what it takes to do more than just get by. Like me, she knows there's no point in dreaming of prince charming to sweep in and take care of a lady. But that doesn't mean it can't happen. ;-)

This book is the sort of story you'll be happy to share with your niece, your mom, your aunt - you won't be bashful about passing it on because Erin Annie didn't cave into the pressure of the standard secular storyline that demands a sex-filled climax and conclusion (pun intended!) 

Instead, she developed her characters, allowed them to have conversations that address the things that most authors skip over - the sorts of things real people MUST discuss. In particular, how does an adult couple negotiate a chaste relationship?  It happens. In my life, it tries to happen and fails. Can it work if Haley finds the perfect man? 

You know what else stands out in this story? Haley has parents. And relatives. And dear friends who weigh in on her life, influence her decisions - just like real people with real relationships. Haley lives by her principals and has people who hold her accountable.

There's more to the story than getting the guy. 

There is drama and intrigue in a well-told story that caused me to while away more than one beautiful, sunny day because I couldn't tear myself away. 

Oh. Maybe I should shut up and let you read it yourself. 

You Heard It Here First, is now available on Kindle and Nook! 

(Paperbacks won't be available for a month!)

For a limited time you can buy it for just 99 cents on either Barnes and Noble or Amazon. Once the paperbacks are available, the price will go up to a more realistic retail price. Buy it now for a steal!!

Or better yet, how would you like to win it?
  a Rafflecopter giveaway

Oh yes! Comment below, and then say that you did on the Rafflecopter link. Get two more entries by following Erin Annie on Twitter. 

Let's see... why don't we give it a full week... for everyone to enter and I'll announce the winner next Wednesday. 

Advice on Both Sides

I've been reading advice and etiquette columns since I was eight years old.
There wasn't much to read in our local newspaper, and the advice columns were right there next to the funnies.
As an adolescent, I thought this was a good way to avoid making stupid mistakes as I navigated my own way through life.  To be sure, I've never taken up with a man who abandoned his kids and cheated on his wife. No drug problems or other addictions. I consider that a success!

I still love advice columns. I read almost all of them.

Last week, there a was a letter from a woman in her 30s who was concerned that her enthusiasm for marriage, might be scaring off her dates. She explained that while she's not sharing this obsession with them, she fears that they're picking up on it. and turning on their tails as a result.
Sorry, I can't find the link back... I read so many of these columns, I can't trace my rabbit hole path.

But in the comments section, after the advice... people who don't even know the letter writer, started pouncing on her - urging her not to be so pathetic (sound familiar?) To give up the idea of marriage and to stop sharing her silly dream on the first date.
Now, doesn't that sound like the Telephone Game that teachers employed in school to teach us a lesson? Where did she say that she shared these fantasies with her dates? It didn't. Where did she say she was dumping anything on them on the first date? She didn't.

It sounded to me like she's simply afraid her enthusiasm is noticeable and scaring off men. I think we all worry about that to some degree.

The comments that bugged me most though, were those that advised, less than politely, that she should focus on doing the things she loves... getting out and being active and then someone will love her involved,  fulfilled self.
Yeah it's good advice. But what happens when it doesn't work?
I've had plenty of people give me the same advice, whether they know me or not - whether or not they know what I've been doing with my life for the past 20 years.

Let me tell you something, I rocked my 20s.  I had a high profile job, I was in great shape and I was out doing things I enjoyed. The men I dated at the time were divided into two types; the devout Christians (not Catholics) who were a bit overwhelmed by my enthusiasm for intimacy (not that we went too far, but I guess I was still too big of a challenge to their chastity), and completely secular guys who couldn't believe I wasn't dying to sleep with them even though they had no plans for commitment.
When I reached the end of my 20s surprised that I was single, everyone told me that it must be men are intimated by me - with my great, highly visible career, and the fact that I was in awesome physical shape. I didn't really believe them, but figured there was a nugget of truth - and it was easier to believe that than to think that I wasn't appealing.

In my 30s, I suffered through one layoff that hit at my self-esteem, then I moved to another state for a job which wasn't exactly in my chosen profession - and I didn't feel good about having to explain what I was doing for work, because it wasn't the impressive high-profile gig I'd had in the past.  It messed with my identity, but I still threw myself into my community, volunteering, exercising, roller-blading around the see-and-be-seen park at least three times a week.  I was dating a lot.  I actually met a couple guys while rollerblading. Still single, and people still telling me that I was just so great, men still found me intimidating.

So as I approached my 40s, I thought that if I was just too intimidating for all these men maybe I just have to tone it down.  I saw that the fact that I could take care of myself, provide for myself, buy my own home -  was probably not attractive to men who feel like they should be able to provide for a woman. Actually, I wanted to attract those kinds of guys... because all I was meeting was guys who wanted strings-free sex and certainly weren't looking for marriage.
Then I went through a couple more bouts of unemployment - which wasn't easy - but I figured maybe the fact that I was more vulnerable would cut down on my intimidation factor. Even so, I was still self-sufficient (unless you count earning unemployment benefits as being dependent - but I earned those too, so...)

In short... I've been on both sides of independence. I've been on both sides of awesome. Both sides of doing my own thing.
So when strangers and people who don't really have an investment in my well-being tell me to just be more awesome and enjoy myself, and the right man will come along -- I have to resist the urge to kick them in the shins.  I was awesome.  I AM awesome. It doesn't work.  God wants more of me, and I don't know what to give Him. And I don't know why I have to give more than all the people around me.

I'm just saying, if this is the advice you're giving single women, reconsider saying it aloud. Unless you know for a fact that she's been sitting on the couch for the past 38 years waiting for a man to drop through her ceiling, just shut up. You're not helping.
If you really want to help, go poll some single men about their thoughts on independent women. That might help.

Life Unexpected

The reason I started this blog was to give a voice to the forgotten single woman.
As I settled into my 30s, not married, I began to see how I didn't fit in.

Look at my early posts, even joining my church congregation for donuts after mass left me standing alone - women my age had children and only spoke to other moms. The men couldn't talk to me because their wives might give them the hairy eyeball. Older men and women also had kids, and conversations about summer activities or Christmas plans centered around their children. As they shared anecdotes, I would offer my experiences as a child and then I'd get the hairy eyeball -- because they had the impression that I was making it about me, when really, I was offering the childhood experience I knew of and it happened to be 30 years ago.  I've never seen the joy and anticipation on my own child's face on Christmas morning. Give me a fricken break!

Then my own friends were getting married and having babies and they typically fall off the radar for a while.

Those that didn't get married, struggled with dating like me.  But eventually they'd move in with their boyfriend and wonder why I'm not getting past the third date - expected-sex-with-someone-you-don't-even-know -gauntlet.

All the while, I've felt I could relate to what's going on in other people's lives, or I would at least try to.  Lend a sympathetic ear. Offer to help with their kids. Show up at a loved one's funeral.  But it seems no one can return the favor.

The other night I was out with a group of people from my church.  A handful of married couples, and a handful of single women, one single man. As stories were exchanged, there was laughter and smiling and continued conversation.  But when a single person shared a life story, everyone seemed uncomfortable. There would be a lull until a married spoke again.

One of the other single ladies and I, got on a tangent of online dating and the plague of men's shirtless, bathroom mirror self-portraits!  For the love of God - why?! we exclaimed, laughing.  The marrieds looked horrified, asked what we were talking about, and once they were enlightened, quickly changed the subject.  Oh my. That's uncomfortable, let's talk about pleasant things.  Oh how they're glad they married years ago and avoided all that horror.  Well, lucky you. So much for relating to us.  The reality of my life is unpleasant. I guess we'll talk about your kitchen remodel instead.

The blessing of this blog has been feedback from women like me, a lot like me or just a little like me - who relate to the same struggles.  The life alone. The challenges of dating. The frequent disappoint in dates or in others who just don't know what to do with us.

So no, it's not about sunshine and unicorns all the time. But this is life.  Life unexpected.

I never expected to have to introduce myself to so many strangers, and tell my story to hundreds of men who were going to do nothing with it. Oh how draining!
Over time, you figure out what to share and what to leave out.  And then again, you learn that the nugget you should have left out for one man, might have been the nugget that makes the difference for another.  Maybe you should have told him.  Now you second guess yourself.  That's when dating becomes a chore and I'll be honest - I don't even know what to say anymore. All this dating has made me socially awkward.  What is worth sharing with the next person?

If I haven't sounded happy and blissful all the time, try to keep in mind that I dealt with three of the past six years unemployed and another year underemployed. You don't know stress until you have lived that.  Remember too, I had no support system. My parents were in another state, with hardly a clue of what my struggles were. My friends here thought I was living a life of relaxation, not going to work! People at church must have thought I had a trust fund or wealthy family supporting me, because they offered not one word of encouragement through that terrible struggle.

In that same time period, I went through two messy breakups with the one man I thought I would marry.
Just when I thought I had everything rolling in place, a good full time job, dating again.... my dad died.

So yeah, for a long time I had no good news to share. People don't like that. They stop calling. Rather than try to encourage that person, most will avoid them.  Resulting in even less good news to share.

Someone with a support system might have an easier time of it. But because so few people in my life relate to me, to my experiences, to my situation and struggles - I feel even more alone.  That has been a great mystery to me, that people who are never married can relate to married people's problems.... but the whole world started out single, yet the minute they're married they can't relate to single's problems. Mystifying.

The worst thing I did, I think, was to lose my blogging groove. There have been really supportive, fun, encouraging women here  - even more when I was blogging regularly. Over time, I imagine my story became less fun to follow.  I am sorry for that, but one of the most precious moments in my life was seeing all the comments and support from my bloggy friends when my dad died a year ago. I can't thank you all enough for that.

But the one thing I have done here is share honestly. Hopefully I've shined a light on the dark side of what many women go through ... so that when you see someone else go through it, you're inspired to show up and to hold her and to love her through it.

That is what my bloggy world has done for me.  The best of you have been here to lift me through it.
Thank you.

In Support of Strong Female Literature Characters

Not since dear Lizzy Bennet and Laura Ingals Wilder have we found the heroine of a book with strong values, who is headstrong, and won't compromise her morals or ideals for a nice tidy story resolution.

Have you ever wished you could watch a movie or read a book and not cringe at the decisions the female lead makes, usually in an effort to get the guy? In the past 10-15 years, much has been written about even our well-known fairy tale princesses, and how it's always the ingenue young girl who has to change to get her prince. Ariel gives up both her family and her fins to charm her prince. Never mind that in the Disney version.. she barely knows the guy.

My friend (and yours!) Erin Annie is writing that book! A trilogy actually.
I've had the honor of reading the story that started it all. There's adventure, political scandal, and a budding romance. All told with a sense of altruism, volunteerism, and get this - parents and family that are present! and normal! along with strong Christian values.

"Why can't we have a strong, smart, conservative woman as a heroine without compromise? Isn't it time our values were represented accurately in entertainment and media?" ~Erin Ann McBride

This book is like nothing else on the market right now - and that's why she needs your help. Traditional publishers wouldn't touch this book without forcing changes in the character's ethics to fit today's mainstream, secular culture. A smaller, niche publisher would limit the book's exposure to certain religious pockets. Erin plans to self-publish so that she maintains control of story and the message.

But self-publishing isn't without it's costs... Erin Annie explains,

"For this type of book to succeed it must be above reproach. It must be accurate, perfectly edited, and above all else, an exciting and engaging read. To ensure the top quality of a self-published book it takes more than just a passionate author. It requires editors, graphic designers, and other professional services, to produce a high quality self-published book."

I'm so proud of her! If you would like to be a part of getting a fine story, with a heroine you can relate to - out into the world... would you consider donating to her Kickstarter campaign? Or forwarding this to someone who would?




You can be a part of putting a genuine story about Christian values, and a strong no-nonsense, capable woman, in the hands of young women who could be influenced by a positive role model. This is the book series you'd be happy to see your niece or daughter reading, rather than wondering what sort of impression a silly vampire romance is going leave!

Really, if you can tally off the names of 'romance' books on one hand in less than a minute - that feature the  woman changing for the man or for society, compromising what she believes in or greatly changing herself to please others - don't you agree that our culture needs a wholesome, yet exciting story like this?

Not sure yet? Here, read the first chapter... about Haley McAdams.

As I said, I've read it. Let me tell you some of my favorite things:
Our heroine, Haley McAdams, is the kind of woman who simply does the right thing without even thinking about it. She's not holier-than-thou about it either, it's just that she doesn't flinch under pressure. She's so solid in her beliefs, she doesn't have to waver. I know women like that - doncha just love them?!
Also, the story isn't packed with improbable romance. There's more to it than getting the guy. There is drama and intrigue all in a well-told story that quite frankly, caused me to burn up some very lovely weekend afternoons because I couldn't tear myself away from the computer for reading it!

Please think about contributing to help get this published... there are plenty of rewards in it for you. (see the kickstarter page sidebar for details)

Hey, for fun... in comments here, name any books with a heroine who holds her own - Like Elizabeth Bennet and Haley McAdams. (it'll be easier to name all the Disney Princesses who change for their prince, won't it?)
Also, let me know if you contribute... or if you'll promote the campaign on YOUR blog!!

To Have or Have Not

I have a favorite little restaurant that makes the best spinach salad you've ever had, and mouthwatering organic pizzas.  Mmmm.

I frequent the place so often that the owner knows me and stops by to chat and see how my meal is - every time I'm there. More often than not, I bring a friend with me, and he loves that I'm always introducing his place to more people, who also end up loving everything he makes!

Recently, I was there with a friend who was approaching her 40th birthday. When the owner stopped by our table to see if we were enjoying our meal - she asked about his business and he explained that they're working on opening another location, closer to where I live. (Yay!)

He's around our age, and somehow the conversation turned to my friend's upcoming birthday and the fact that she's not looking forward to it.  He asked why, and she responded that she's just not any where near where she thought she'd be in life at this point.  I sympathized, having turned 40 myself in the same situation just a couple years ago. I nodded and said, "Yep. Turning 40 really sucks."

Our proprietor friend looked confused and said, "That's funny. I didn't feel that way at all."
"Well, that's because you have all those things. You have a wife and two kids, a home, a thriving business. It's not having all that life stuff we were told we'd have that makes it hard." 
(they're not rich, but they're happy together and happy that their restaurant allows them to make a living doing what they love) 

"Oh". he said, looking at my friend, "Did you want to get married and have kids?" his voice belying a bit of disbelief, as if -  if one wanted that, one would have it. He had no idea it was elusive.

My friend lifted her chin, trying to hide a heart-breaking expression from covering her face - but it was there.  She nodded, unable to speak for fear of dissolving into tears.

A kind man, he turned his gaze to me in an effort to take the pressure off my friend.
"You too?"
"Yep."

He was bewildered. Truly bewildered.
In all his life it had never occurred to him that there were 40-year-old women out there living a life they'd never expected.

I have my theories, and they start with the contraceptive culture.
Once feminism insisted that all women should have all the sex they want without the risk of becoming pregnant... thinking that would give women freedom... it all went wrong.  I think those same feminists don't even realize that it instead, turned men into cowards.
Now that we can delay our childbearing years - males have delayed becoming men. They play the I'm-not-ready-card well into their 40s.

My friend, the restaurant owner wasn't one of those men. He met the woman who would be his wife and locked in. Maybe he has days that he envies his single men friends who haven't settled down... but it never occurred to him that the women his friends are dating, doing and leaving want something more.

Then there's the notion that I only recently discovered, that some of us women are single because we put our careers ahead of marriage and family. That every single one of us, turned down every man that came along because we wanted a fabulous career. As if we should have all been counter clerks until we were "rescued" by a man!  Excuse me for wanting to do something interesting and fulfilling, and not expecting Mr. Right to come along when I turned 23!!!  (I did expect him to come along at 27. So I wanted to do something interesting first.) Some of us took the initiative to take care of ourselves and then watched as all the helpless women got snatched up and married.

That, my friends is why I write this blog.
It's not because I'm obsessed with marriage. It's because I know there are millions of women out there who deserve more than they're getting.
Those same women whose friends and family don't even know or acknowledge that something is missing from their lives.
We all go out into the world each day, work hard, volunteer, have fun, have laughs - and some days going home to an empty house is a relief.  Some days, the empty house is a dagger in the heart.
Twenty-nine days out of 30 we hold our heads up and charge through the door and make it our home.  Then there are days that it takes every fiber of our being to climb into bed alone. Again.

That not only are our God-given instincts to love, nurture, to physically love a man, to cuddle and read a child a bedtime story not being met. But our need to have that loss acknowledged isn't being met... by our churches, by our families or by our friends.

I am here to at least acknowledge that Yeah, it sucks to have so many needs and desires unfulfilled. It sucks even worse to have your emptiness ignored by everyone who is important to you.
If you were married and had a miscarriage, there would be someone to acknowledge that loss. (not everyone because let's face it, people suck.) 

Maybe someones sister-in-law will read this and realize some of the things she says are hurtful or at least not helpful.
Maybe someone will recognize that their friend isn't a selfish woman who is putting off growing up - and that it's HER notion (not reality) that her friend isn't a grown up because she's not married or doesn't have kids.
Maybe someones mom will realize that it's not so much her daughter is picky, but rather, a very high probability that most of the men she's met are emotionally immature and unavailable.

Maybe if any one of those things happen - there will be more understanding in the world.
And less hurt.

Single People Can't Do Anything Right!

You just can't please all of the people all of the time.
And no matter what you do, someone will criticize.

In the world of dating, people will tell you that "You have to put yourself out there!" and after months or years of putting yourself out there they'll ask, "Have you REALLY put yourself out there?" or "He's not going to fall through your living room ceiling you know!"

But then, if you really make an effort to put yourself out there... soon you'll hear from naysayers, screeching, "Don't try so hard!" "Oh my, you seem so desperate."  Um, weren't you the person telling me to put myself out there - to make an effort?

Let's not forget the people who decide that if you're single after a certain age that you're just too picky. But then, if you make an effort to widen your scope, and consider some of the men you may have overlooked before...  suddenly you're desperate!


Someone on the internet is very persistent in telling me how pathetic I am to be seeking love in my life.  I imagine from the point of view of someone who has been reading this blog the past couple years, it may seem that dating is my only concern.

Fine, I'll admit that after wasting three years on Mr. Burns, I was determined not to waste any more time. Knowing now what not to look for, what to avoid and what qualities matter most to me, I feel I'm ready for the right man to come along.

In the meantime, I'll write about the absurdity of men who post shirtless self-portraits in their bathroom mirrors, as if THAT's going to find them the love of their lives! And about men who over share about their divorce because they're newly single and forgot how to socialize.

This is the stuff single women face, and I'm here to show them that they're not alone out there, and that yes, it is odd for a man you've already met to try to contact you again through the dating site instead of with the phone number you gave him! Maybe there are some men who could learn something too!

The fact is... I don't have time to write so many blog posts any more. I'm working full time and I'm enjoying the warm weather after a long winter... so the posts I do write are about some of the things that stick in my craw.  And these days what really sticks in my craw are the thoughtless, careless ways people treat other people.  I see it not only in my dating life, but in my friend's dating lives as well. People just don't know how to treat people any more.

In an effort to stay on topic... I don't write about the volunteer mentor program for women in prison that I've been involved in, and how I met some of my dearest friends in that volunteer pool. Or offering my photography services and time, free of charge for a non profit organization that needs photos for their website.
Why? Because this blog is about dating.  Always has been, always will be.

Considering that the blog was created to share stories about dating - it seems perfectly plausible to me to keep the focus narrow.

So if it's just so very very sad that I recognize a call from my creator to love and be loved... to be a wife and mother...  and to be a mother with a partner, and not selfishly (from my perspective - no judgement here) bring a child into the world without the benefit of a father... knowing that I would have been forever changed without the influence of my own wonderful father....  then fine, I'm a sad, pathetic person who loves love and family. 

It's really, profoundly awful that I have so much love to give, and a big generous heart to share. 

Yes, I'm so needy that I spent the night in the ER with a friend on her birthday just so she wouldn't be alone while being subjected to tests. I am THAT self-centered. 

Am I supposed to tell you that I spent every spare minute of the last two months of 2011 sewing a quilt out my dad's clothes so that his youngest grandchild would have a tangible reminder of the man who loved like no other? 

No one gets a full picture of my life here.  Just a snapshot of the things I choose to share. 

But when the people who DO know me and love me and see ALL the aspects of my life, tell me that they just can't see a world where I don't have a family of my own, because it's so clear that I have so much love to give, and so much thoughtfulness and generosity to offer... who am I to argue? 

The views expressed in this post are mine and mine alone. Some views are expressed with dripping sarcasm.  I am not responsible for the state of mind of any readers who don't understand dripping sarcasm, and I refuse to apologize for any part of my thoughts or ideas. Anyone who doesn't like what they read here, is not required to read it. 

Sincerely, TRS

New Rules

I made a new rule a while back... I don't answer the phone when I'm on my way out of the house.
Never fails, I mean to bring something to a party... or something I'm supposed to return to store on that side of town... and if I'm talking on the phone, I ALWAYS forget something I'm supposed to bring with me.  So finally it's a rule... no answering the phone.

Which leads me to...

Am I the only one who gets annoyed when you're on your way to meet someone, or on your way to an event... and the person you're meeting keeps calling your cell phone while you're driving there?
Maybe it's just me, but it's so annoying.  Perhaps it's because, hey.. I'm going to see you in two freaking minutes! Keep your pants on!

Maybe it's because I can remember when we couldn't reach people instantly, and if you said you were going to be there, you were going to be there.  I guess it makes me feel like they're doubting my commitment to the commitment.

Sort of makes me think of why I'm a cat person, not a dog person.  The person who needs to know you're on your way is needy, like a dog. I prefer those who chill out and wait, like a cat.

Just a thought I've been sitting on today.