Saturday, July 10, 2010

A Bright Shining Example

This recent hiatus was brought to you by the death of a dear family member.

We lost my dear, sweet uncle last week.
He and my aunt were married for 54 years and had seven children. They were still very much in love and did everything together - right down to the grocery shopping!

It was a blessing that he died suddenly and without warning.

They were the sort of couple most of us hope to become. Always smiling. Always happy to see you. They prayed the rosary together every single day of their marriage - never missed Mass. They turned to God to teach them how to love, and hoo boy did they reflect God's love!!!

I told my aunt how I was so happy that she had nearly 55 years with the love of her life, and how I wished I could find a love so sweet and solid. That if I got married tomorrow I could only hope for 50 beautiful years together!

In her adorable way she told me, "Well, I keep waiting for an invitation!"
She believes I'll find it. She has hope because she's been there. She's seen love and felt love. She wants that for me.

This all caused me to reflect... that it just seems so impossible.
Thinking about their 50 years together and the 40 years I've spent on this earth alone... well I'm just exhausted. Seriously exhausted.

I have wanted a partner, a teammate for so long.
My existence is less fulfilling to me (to ME! - not saying this is true for all singles) because I have no one to do my best for. To do for. (and yes, once things settle down in my world - on the job front and other craziness , I plan to seek a good volunteer opportunity. I've not had the energy to do that lately.)

I cried on the shoulder of another of my many cousins. All my cousins are married. Their children are married even. While it was good to be around them, it was also hard because I felt so left behind.
So very left behind.
I was a mess.

Now I'm not saying that I only thought of myself during the time meant to mourn my uncle. It's just that when one life ends - you think about how to live your own life best. And I just can't figure it out.

I spent the rest of the week with my parents. Dad suggested that once he's gone, if I'm not married I can just move back and take care of mom. Which I am happy to do of course... but it was a knife in my gut thinking that my dad doesn't expect me to have a life of my own. Ouch.
That I can just leave everything and everyone that I have built around me - as if it doesn't matter.

I stewed in that for a while. That bitter stew.
I was not looking forward to the 10 hour drive back to my world that doesn't matter.

But something lifted me out.
A glimmer of hope. A glimmer that I thought I might be foolish to allow to light the path. It's probably just a whim. Don't trust it. Don't get excited. Proceed with caution...

but I am excited.

more on that later...


Anonymous said...

1. that gave me chills to hear about your aunt and uncle. That's great that they stood together for so long in a time when people are breaking up and getting together left and right.

2. I think you are a great, loving person, with a lot of love to give. That means something. Never forget it.

3. You really know how to keep me on the edge of my seat. I am excited to see what's gonna happen next!!

erinannie said...

Today I took a walk in the woods with my dog. It was beautiful and perfect. I brought my camera and a book and made myself comfortable. Really, it was just lovely. But I can't say "it was all I could have wanted." Because as I sat there on the bench, looking over a beautiful valley, basking in the perfect weather, all I could think was how much I wanted there to be a special someone sitting beside me. How I longed for a meaningful, or even silly, conversation with someone. How if the right person were beside me I could put my head on his shoulder, and hold his hand, and just gaze on that view forever.
I will attend my first family reunion of my extended family (my VERY large, well-meaning, often offensive family) in 10 years in a few weeks. I want to see my family, and I know it will be fun, but what no one else will see is my heart-breaking when I look at all the babies and children. I will wish I had babies of my own to hold. And I will lament that my children, if I am ever so blessed to have them, won't grow up with cousins their own age, like I got to do.
This is going to be the topic of the column I'm writing this week. Its going to be an emotional one!

auntie said...

I know too well what you mean. However, posts like this make me realize that I'm not as alone as I feel. Thank you :)