Monday, February 25, 2013

No One Understands

I find myself in a position that no one can understand.
Yes, sweetly they try, but no one gets it.

I've mentioned before that passed the age of 40, I've come to terms with my diminishing fertility. Sure, it could still happen but I'm not holding my breath. And I'm pretty comfortable knowing that I won't have children. I'm still sad about it sometimes, but normally it's okay.

The man I'm dating now is a father. He has three kids, and if he could choose, he's done. The fact is, he is done, thanks to a decision by his ex wife.
Together, we babysat my friend's toddler one Saturday evening. She was an absolute delight, (she loves her auntie TRS). Afterward, he told me he's worried he's not the guy for me, because I so obviously OUGHT to have children, and he can't give that to me. He wonders if he should bow out, because he thinks I deserve someone who can give me children.

Oh please. I've lived my whole life waiting for someone to have children with... If he hasn't shown up  by now, well yeah, it's a little late.
That ship has sailed. My fertility is in my past. I don't want him to feel he's keeping me from something that's not going to happen anyway.

When I share this with friends they insist I could still get pregnant and have a baby. ( sure it's possible - but not likely- and I have to live with unlikely)
I can adopt, we could foster children. Yes. But that's not the point. I wanted to experience truly being a woman. To experience pregnancy, childbirth, nursing. But now? Would I want to start with an infant at my age? If God wills it, absolutely. But that's not likely. It seems He has made darn certain  that I, TRS will never reproduce. I can't imagine why, but there it is.

No one really understands where I am now. I've accepted that its not likely that I'll have children, and I'm okay with it. A man who wants to give me everything, including something he can never give me, worries that he's not enough for me.  ( I appreciate his frustration)

Sometimes I think everyone who thinks I could still have babies, doesn't realize that those celebrities my age and older who have healthy twins, have had thousands if not millions of dollars of in-vitro (something I'll never do)  not to mention nannies, and no need to work for a living.
They don't realize that if I could have a baby, I'd likely suffer through multiple miscarriages first. How heartbreaking would that be?

I've accepted where I am, and no one understands. Worse, no one wants to accept it with me.

Or, am I beyond being realistic? Am I only seeing the negative? What do you think?

Monday, February 11, 2013

The Sweetest Thing

The best thing just happened.

(Back story first)
I'm seeing a man with kids. I've only met the kids a couple times, and it's still a bit awkward for them to see their dad dating. But I guess they see that he's happy and it must be making an impression.

(now back to the story)
The oldest boy is in high school, and he just got the idea to give a girl a valentine. Did he ask his dad for advice? No. He asked his dad to ask me what he should do.

Ehr muh gawd! This is so exciting! So unbelievably cute. 

He's never asked a girl on a date before, and he wanted to do something special for Valentine's Day. I suggested a single flower with a simple card - no need for elaborate declarations of love... just "Happy Valentine's Day" inscribed, unless he's inspired to put more words to paper. (He's not.) 
For the date? An activity that keeps the teenagers occupied, like a movie or arcade. (Dear Lord, don't make them suffer through a dinner date at that age!) 

I think it's the fact that, not having kids of my own I expect to forever miss out on these kinds of milestones. The sheer fact that he wanted my opinion... not his dad's (or even his mom's)  Oh... it's the sweetest thing.

It's so important to be important to a child. I'm not there yet, and he won't be a child for long... but that was a GREAT feeling!