Buble

I'm sure most people are sick of it... but just after my final break-up with Mr. B - that Michael Buble song was just released.

I loved the catchy tune and the hopeful message that someone is just around around the corner - I Just Haven't Met You Yet. World's cutest video too BTW.




It was good for me. (Just like after the first break-up, Beyonce helped me out with Single Ladies!!)

I met McTwitchy pretty quickly after I was suddenly single and I was very surprised at how much I liked him. I even told him that I hadn't expected to like him. That of course was very confusing to him. Some things are better left unsaid!

As a girl, I sometimes look for meaning in things that really have no connection to anything. Can you relate? So, when every time I thought about McTwitchy - the Buble song came on (despite the reality that it was just horrendously over-played) I wondered if it meant that I had met the guy... or maybe he's NOT the guy for me and I haven't met him yet?!

Oh my. What's a girl to do?
I decided it didn't mean anything. After all the song is in heavy rotation to the point of ridiculous. I even said a prayer telling God that if He's trying to give me any signs... please don't do it through that song! I'm too confused.

Then McTwitchy and I went our separate ways ( decided maybe that was God's sign!) and I decided I still liked the song.
Finally, it decreased in rotation. I only heard it about once a day instead of seven!

So I thought it was funny when I went out with McTwitchy after two months separation... and a couple hours into our date, I Just Haven't Met You Yet suddenly blared over the Pub speakers. It was my turn to talk - and I couldn't even concentrate because each lyric just rolled around in my head!
It brought a huge smile to my face, which brought a smile to McTwitchy's face even though he didn't know why.

I'm not assigning any meaning to it.
I just thought it was cute.

Chances

Everyone deserves a second chance.
A very rare few deserve a third.

It's not the first time this has happened.
Not the first time that I've dated a guy and it ends, only to have the guy turn up later... usually within a month or two, asking to try again.

I actually counted on my fingers (because I am mathematically challenged) ... five times in the past 17 years of dating. (I'm not counting all of my years of dating - because I'm starting with the first time it happened)

First when I was about 23 or 24. It wasn't that we didn't like each other. It was more that we liked each other plenty and it was difficult to remain chaste. The nice Christian guy told me that he realized he didn't know what he had until I was gone.
I was young and inexperienced at dating... and I couldn't get passed the idea that I had just spent a month or so conditioning myself not to like him. He didn't get a second chance. (My mom scolded me for that one.)

The next time I was 30. It was The Caveman (whose nick name comes from his outdoorsy, hunting nature and desire for solitude -NOT- any particular political ideas.). He was obviously a country mouse and I am a city mouse. He offered to change. I told him he shouldn't have to change. He should find someone who loves all those things about him. I'm quite certain he did.

Then came John-with-two-dogs. Our relationship never really got off the ground to begin with. He loved golf and his two dogs more than any woman. His call really did come from out of the blue. Could he try again? By this time I thought perhaps I made hasty decisions with the first two guys that asked for a second chance -- so John-with-two-dogs got a second chance. It ended awkwardly.

Then of course Mr. Burns.

Now McTwitchy.

So I wonder... does this suggest that I'm a good catch, a fun girl, who is hard to appreciate the first time around? Or does it suggest that I'm difficult to begin with? That I'm simply unforgettable?
Who knows!?

I could learn from those past experiences and I believe I have.
I could worry that it won't work with McTwitchy. But I have confidence in this one.

McTwitchy tells me he knew he couldn't spend the sort of time with me that I indicated I would like. He was going to be traveling frequently for one aspect of his work.
In his words, "I can't date her if I'm not even going to be here."

Now that I know how much he actually was gone - he was right. I may have been very frustrated. I probably would have gotten fed up and given up on him.

So maybe it's good that we got the break.
It was enough for him to know that he really did miss me. That he really does like me.
And it was good for me to see that I actually like him for being McTwitchy ... and not just because he was a nice, Catholic guy whom I found attractive - immediately after the Mr. Burns Breakup Part II.

Now we both know and appreciate how comfortable our little relationship is.
I knew it in May. He figured it out in July.

The BIG question is how this time/availability issue is going to work out.
I'm smart enough to know I can't expect him to change.
But being secure about how he feels about me - I can have more patience - and he can have more confidence.

We shall see!

Dear Pablo,

End of discussion.

Homosexuality may be a sin. But the bottom line is, God still doesn't hate gay people. No way. No how.

If you can't get used to the idea - you'd better get used to the heat. It will be very warm where you're going.

Something Special

So it was nearly out of the blue.
As I sat in my parents living room, enjoying the wonder of satellite TV, after Mom and Dad both were gone to bed - modern technology brought me a greeting from someone in my past.

Text: How was my holiday weekend thus far?
I wondered why he chose just then to check in on me. I explained that I had rushed home for a family funeral, and that the big holiday would be spent in the car driving across a state and a half to return.

We exchanged a few more kind and welcome messages. He explained that he had left me a voice mail. Due to the rural nature of my parent's locale, somehow I was getting texts but not phone service. Hmm? I explained that I'd have to check it when service improved.

The next day, I packed up the car and set off for home.
Now my consciousness was flecked with thoughts of this charming man - wondering why he was contacting me and what it might mean. Telling myself it's probably nothing. He's just kind and friendly.

Finally, the voice mail came through - he explained that he was at holiday BBQ and encountered someone who looked so much like me that he felt compelled to reach out to me while still at that party!
Wait. That's interesting.
More wandering thoughts. Efforts to keep such thoughts in check.
No TRS, you are probably destined to be alone. Don't let yourself desire anything. You could just get hurt again.

I thought of my friends who are currently planning their wedding.
How my friend's fiancee once leaned over to share his thoughts with me as she worked in the kitchen one day. He whispered to me, "Isn't she fantastic?"
She was just getting utensils out of a drawer and he was overwhelmed by God's creation of her, and his appreciation of all she has to offer him. Her heart, her soul, her mind and yeah, probably her body too!
Isn't that want we all want? The one man who thinks you are the most amazing creature God created? Who feels so lucky to call you his own.
One of those things that feels impossible. But then you see it in others - so it must be.

Once I was home, he contacted me with some urgency - saying he'd really like to see me before he leaves town for a few weeks - but would understand if I didn't want to.

Of course I wanted to see McTwitchy!
Of course I also had some trepidation. I remembered a conversation we had months ago about him meeting a previous ex for dinner - and it didn't amount to anything, just friends.
Is that all he is up to?
Did he just want to be friends? He could be that guy, but I doubt it.

My thoughts were peppered with cautions. See him but keep your guard up. Hear him out. What could he possibly have to say? Don't even think about kissing him.

We agreed he could pick me up and we'd go get a drink.
I stood outside waiting for him because I wasn't going to let him inside.
He parked his car - which I thought was odd since I was already in the street - he didn't have to park.

His tall, thin frame stepped out of the car and enveloped me. He was draped over me. Wrapping me up as though his body were a quilt. I nearly disappeared.

Once we were at our table, he acknowledged that hearing from him must have seemed as if out of the blue - and that he feared I would have no interest in seeing him.

I said, "No, I wasn't that surprised. I knew I'd hear from you again."
He smiled. "You did?"
"Yes. I thought, he's going to figure out that was a dumb move."

As we talked, the guard I had carefully constructed crumbled down. Within minutes, we were both in comfortable territory.

I remembered how much I like him. But I sat across from him, still wondering what this meeting was all about. I wanted to ask him about his intentions but I couldn't offer such a cliche.

He explained that he had been thinking about me often, then when he saw this woman who resembled me - he knew it was a sign - even if I rejected him outright, he had to get in touch with me. He had to know.
"So she looked just like me?"
"Oh yeah. She was HOT!" he said in a way only he can get away with, assuredly giving me the compliment.

I won't go into excruciating detail - but he missed me. So very much. So convincingly. I am confident of that.
He shared some vulnerability. I was awed.
And I felt - as we talked, as we sat just looking at one another - that the affection I feel for him is returned, at least in kind. Maybe more. Always was.

Is that what it feels like? Is that what the thought, "Isn't she fantastic?" feels like when it is aimed at you and you alone?

I think I know.


We haven't determined if we are going to officially see each other again. But the door is open, and I'm tempted to kick it off it's hinges!

A Bright Shining Example

This recent hiatus was brought to you by the death of a dear family member.

We lost my dear, sweet uncle last week.
He and my aunt were married for 54 years and had seven children. They were still very much in love and did everything together - right down to the grocery shopping!

It was a blessing that he died suddenly and without warning.

They were the sort of couple most of us hope to become. Always smiling. Always happy to see you. They prayed the rosary together every single day of their marriage - never missed Mass. They turned to God to teach them how to love, and hoo boy did they reflect God's love!!!

I told my aunt how I was so happy that she had nearly 55 years with the love of her life, and how I wished I could find a love so sweet and solid. That if I got married tomorrow I could only hope for 50 beautiful years together!

In her adorable way she told me, "Well, I keep waiting for an invitation!"
She believes I'll find it. She has hope because she's been there. She's seen love and felt love. She wants that for me.

This all caused me to reflect... that it just seems so impossible.
Thinking about their 50 years together and the 40 years I've spent on this earth alone... well I'm just exhausted. Seriously exhausted.

I have wanted a partner, a teammate for so long.
My existence is less fulfilling to me (to ME! - not saying this is true for all singles) because I have no one to do my best for. To do for. (and yes, once things settle down in my world - on the job front and other craziness , I plan to seek a good volunteer opportunity. I've not had the energy to do that lately.)

I cried on the shoulder of another of my many cousins. All my cousins are married. Their children are married even. While it was good to be around them, it was also hard because I felt so left behind.
So very left behind.
I was a mess.

Now I'm not saying that I only thought of myself during the time meant to mourn my uncle. It's just that when one life ends - you think about how to live your own life best. And I just can't figure it out.

I spent the rest of the week with my parents. Dad suggested that once he's gone, if I'm not married I can just move back and take care of mom. Which I am happy to do of course... but it was a knife in my gut thinking that my dad doesn't expect me to have a life of my own. Ouch.
That I can just leave everything and everyone that I have built around me - as if it doesn't matter.

I stewed in that for a while. That bitter stew.
I was not looking forward to the 10 hour drive back to my world that doesn't matter.

But something lifted me out.
A glimmer of hope. A glimmer that I thought I might be foolish to allow to light the path. It's probably just a whim. Don't trust it. Don't get excited. Proceed with caution...

but I am excited.

more on that later...