Thursday, January 01, 2009

But I Thought I Was Done

I sat in what was supposed to be a posh and bustling New Years Eve venue, tugging at the last few minutes of 2008 so we could blow our horns, toast with champagne - and just hug our girlfriends because no decent single men were available for kisses... operative word being single. Decent was negotiable at that point!

I looked at my beautiful, accomplished and adventureous friend and thought "I wonder why some of us have to be single."

Because it really is a wonder.

A few minutes earlier - when my forementioned friend wondered aloud if she should use the last 10 minutes of 2008 to run out to the street and find a guy to kiss - I took the opportunity to whimper, "I thought I was done. I thought I wasn't going to have to date again."

Inside, I just wondered why I'm supposed to be alone.
I really think I'd be a great wife. Loving, supportive - maybe not so great in the kitchen but happy to make up for it in the bedroom or where ever. I'd make a wonderful mom. One who would actually ask her kid whether or not they prefer a nightlight - rather than sticking one in there just to cast scary shadows about the room.

What am I supposed to be learning here that I'm just not getting?
For that matter, what are my gorgeous, smart and successful friends supposed to be learning? Are we all just too dense?

When I think about dating - I sometimes get sidetracked thinking about how I need to get to the gym for a good year or so before I should even bother. I doubt many Colorado men are going to be too thrilled about my squishy muscles - especially when there are plenty of women out there who can handle their bikes on single tracks without jiggling all the way down the hill - and they probably aren't abstinent either so +2 points for the imaginary women / -2 points for me. What an incentive to get out there!

Where am I supposed to find this man of faith who is going to appreciate me? Where can I find a supply for my friends?

The countdown began. Glasses were lifted. My single girlfriend and I smiled at each other - pouted a little - then gave each other a long, firm hug.

At least we have each other.

I know this post sounds whiney - and one of my resolutions is be more positive about the breakup - because I know it was the right thing - doesn't mean it's not hard - this was my last indulgence.


Anonymous said...

There is the theory of quantity over quality. Date as many people as you can in as short a time as possible. That takes the focus off of being serious and lets you focus on a goal and have fun. And a free meal now and then.


Bobbi said...

I thought that exact same thought a year ago after a breakup. I too had thought I was done with dating and had found the man I was going to marry. But here I am, more than a year later, still single.

I'm telling you, I'm going to start a mail order husband company! I think it will be a big hit!

Try to keep your chin up about finding your mate, I'm trying too. That's one of my resolutions, to be more positive. If I build myself up, he will come.

Gail and Keith said...

Perhaps there isn't anything you're supposed to be learning that you're not getting. God does not give or withhold from us based on our performance or non-performance. If that were the case, we'd still be lost in our sins. Our Father loves us, not because of what we do or don't do. He loves us just as we are and because of His son. My daughter is 26, but she has the some of the same questions. Where are the men of faith who are sharp, intelligent, kind, gentle....Hold on to what you know to be true of Him. G

J said...

Hello! I know that you don't know me, but a friend referred me to your blog and I am enjoying it. :-) I was single until I was 27 and I seriously was not planning on getting married...I was intending to be single pretty much forever. Then God made it pretty clear who I should marry so we did. It has been a blessing but also the most difficult thing that I have ever been involved in. It has magnified everything I struggle with because I get to see it through someone else's eyes and it affects him too. Quiet times are about 100 times harder to come by, and we don't even have kids. I know now that God gave marriage to my husband and I as a way of continually humbling us into dependence on Him just to make it through the day sometimes. We feel blessed by the choice we have to make each day but I just wanted to let you know it isn't easy.

Sometimes when the phrase that God is withholding, I want to add that maybe He is actually protecting you just a little bit longer from how difficult marriage is. I just wanted to encourage you to cherish this time you have when it is just you and the Lord. Happy New Year!

mg said...

I have been reading your blog for a while now since reading the guest blog on rocksinmydryer. It is good to find others in the same boat; I guess misery loves company! Everything in that guest blog rang true for me. I spent New Years Eve with friends at my club. They are all older by several years and didn't mind my crashing their table. There were those who thought that I should have asked a guy friend but New Years Eve in my mind should be with someone of importance.

I will think positive for you if you think positive for me! I remember hearing that God made praying to help other people and made work for you to get what you want!

Hang in there....