Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Not Playing The Game

I called my friend Joki on his birthday a little over a week ago. He told me about a new girl he's been seeing. Just a handful of dates but he really likes her. I know him and I know that he gets excited when he really likes someone.

We're alike in that way. When I find someone who is clearly not a waste of time - I visualize a future.
We both fall hard when we fall. I've seen him when he's smitten - any girl should be so lucky. He's super cute, and funny, and wickedly smart, oh so talented, kind and thoughtful and did I mention cute?

So, he confided in me... worried that he scares women off because he falls so hard. They maybe aren't used to a guy who isn't fighting a good thing. They get freaked out.
He asked me if I thought he should wait to ask her out again, even though he wanted to go out with her on New Years Eve.

Conventional wisdom says - yes - wait it out. Don't be over eager.
But I know Joki - because we dated briefly - and let me tell you it was the best time of my life!

When we were dating I never wondered when he would call or if he would call. Because he called. Whenever he wanted to. Without some silly standard waiting period to appear cool. When he didn't call - he emailed little hellos several times a day. He wanted to see me as often as I wanted to see him. There was no game playing. We never had to edit our thoughts or our words because we both knew we were accepted and understood. It was so wonderful!

So that's what I told him. "Joki, if you want to see her - ask her. Don't hold yourself back because then you're not being authentic. Yeah, there's a chance you'll scare her off - but if you pull back - you are not presenting your true self.
"And Joki - I believe that you will find the woman who appreciates you, your enthusiastic nature, and your sincere heart. The girls who scare off aren't right for you to begin with. You need to find the woman who is thrilled when you're enthusiastic about her. Because that's what a good woman deserves. A man who is enthusiastic for her. She will love that she doesn't have to question your sincerity. I know because I remember how that felt."


Last night Joki and I met another friend for drinks. After a little chit chat I asked with a wink, "So, how's the girl?"


All I could do is shake my head. What is wrong with these women? How is this man single?
He wonders the same thing.

Here is one man who is doing what a man is supposed to do. He's pursuing. He's decisive. He wants a committed relationship. He is not playing games. Do you have any idea how hard that is to come by? Those women are idiots.

My only answer is that the women he's meeting must be shallow to a degree. I haven't met them but maybe they find him too short or not enough PhD.
It really ticks me off. I know he'd be a loving faithful husband and a great, fun and sexy daddy. If there is a man out there who should really be a father, it's him.
Let me tell you - the woman who figures that out will be the luckiest woman in the world.


milissa said...

So how come you're not dating this guy? I'm just saying...sounds like he fits your profile?! It sounds like you think very highly of him yet there is a reason it didn't work out between the two of you. Not fair to assume ALL the other women he's dated don't have the same opinion...they can think highly of him yet know he isn't "the one" or vise versa (HIM thinking highly of the women yet he discovered something that makes her not "the one.")

Just a thought.

Blue Castle said...

I'm sure you have a good reason for why you're not dating him, but I have to admit I was thinking the same thoughts as Milissa when I read through your post. :)

TRS said...

Of course I know that would come up.

We are not together because of major religious differences. I'm Catholic. He's Jewish.
As soon as I fell for him back then, I talked to my priest about how it could work out.
In the end, he wants to marry a Jewish woman.
Now he's exclusively dating Jewish women.

And sure there could be good reasons, but from what I've heard - these women are couching their excuses in a way that suggests shallow reasoning to me.

Anonymous said...

OMGosh...I've been reading your blog from so many directions trying to catch up that I thought this Joki was the other guy...ooops.

Yeppers, women can be idiots. I might have been one too, if my own experiences in this department hadn't been what they've been.

auntie said...

It kills me when something like that happens...because I've been in his shoes, and everyone says "I don't understand why you aren't married, blah blah blah..."

It doesn't make sense to us, so the only explanation is that God has someone better in mind for us down the road.

TRS said...

Ooh. Voice of Reason Auntie!

He's really a great GREAT guy and I don't understand why the women he dates don't see it.
Very frustrating.

But on one hand, it's a bit of a consolation to know it's hard for the other side.

Shan said...

Oh rats. Religion is a kicker isn't it? It was an obvious question with you two and I'm glad you answered it. This is so Sex in the City without the first word of course! You probably didn't watch the show but Charlotte converted for her guy......only to live happily ever after. Bahha. I'm kidding! I'm a non-denominational Christian and wouldn't have married outside of that either. :) Stay Strong!

TRS said...

Cute Shan!
In fact, Charlotte was going through that time with Harry at the SAME TIME I was dating Joki! Just before I saw the episode, I had asked Joki - "Why did you ever even kiss me?" Then I saw Charlotte discuss it with Harry. Harry's answer was a little better.

Joki's answer was that he thought he could try to be casual, and not let it matter - but he couldn't.

In the end we determined that it would be too painful to start something we couldn't finish. To fall in love and have to end it would be worse than to putting an end to it before we were in too deep.

That was really hard, I won't deny it.