Perfection

Our society has us struggling to be perfect while other societies simply struggle for food and shelter. We have so much, that we can pick and choose what is and isn't perfect - and discard the rest.

Surfing around the bloggy world, we encounter women struggling for the perfect home, -either via decor or via the provisions of freshly baked muffins- to be the perfect mom, to have the perfect outfit or perfect body.

Is this what we are meant to seek?

When I was a small girl, I recall asking my mom about heaven. I think it was shortly after my Grandpa died. He'd been in wheelchair at least as long as I had been alive.

Mom told me, "When you get to heaven you will be perfect. No one has any flaws, no sickness or disease in Heaven."

She was trying to tell me that Grandpa wouldn't be 'crippled' in heaven (we used that word back then.) But my young mind didn't quite get it. My thoughts wrestled with the idea and I wondered if heaven wouldn't be a bit boring if everyone looked like Cheryl Tiegs and Tom Selleck. How would I even find my grandpa in a crowd of Cheryls and Toms?

Because even then, as a seven year old - I knew what the earthly world I lived in, held as perfection and those two beautiful stars represented it!

This is one of my favorite photos of myself. Taken back when I really loved my thin, muscular little body - and immersed in God's glorious creation! Yes, it's dark due to back-lighting but I can still see the deep rocky canyon and the rushing waterfall in my mind's eye. (September 1999)

Lately, I've been beating myself up over my appearance. My friend sent me pictures he took of us just before Valentine's day - we went to a charity dance and I wore my favorite little black dress. A dress that I trust to look fantastic on me.

In the pictures though, it is obvious that I have lost the majority of any of the muscle tone I once had. The beautiful dress is just hanging off of me. I am ashamed that I have let God's gift of my body waste away. In my younger years, I photographed beautifully because I was strong and firm. These days even my face is suffering the effects of gravity. Must get back in shape!

I have also allowed a stranger to confirm my worst fears, if only for a minute or two.
I signed up on a free dating website this weekend and started searching for Catholic men. I am encouraged to say that I found more than I expected! I sent a quick e-mail to one very cute Catholic guy who listed sleep as one of his 'interests'. I thought it was really funny and titled my e-mail with, "man after my own heart!" thinking he might be amused.

When I went back to check correspondence, I saw that he had deleted my email unread. My first thought was, "RUDE". Then I reasoned that he checked my profile before reading the email and decided that I wasn't pretty.

Fortunately, God intervened in my pity party and told me - "Good riddance."
Indeed. Who wants to spend time with a man who doesn't even care what I have to say?

God doesn't ask us to be perfect. Only that we seek perfection.
And that doesn't mean a hot body, or hot muffins in the kitchen. He wants us to seek Him - and to strive to be like Him.
I want to get back into shape, to look better - Yes. I'm scouting for men again, and if I get to wear a wedding dress some day, I want to look good. But I'm going to focus on doing what I can with this body God gave me - to glorify Him!!

A couple years ago, my bible study class went over Genesis and the story of Creation. Through our discussion I realized that our goal is to reach the utopia that was Eden… the world God created for us and before our original sin fouled it all up.


Here on Earth it easy to think that nothing is enough. Because it isn't. We are too far from God to be whole. Not being enough right now is nothing to be discouraged about.

Perfection in Heaven doesn’t mean that we will all turn into Claudia Schiffer.

What a beautiful realization to understand that when you and I reach perfection – we’ll look just like you and just like TRS – the difference is, it will be enough!

The Cheese Stands Alone

Just before Thanksgiving Mr. Burns and I discussed looking at rings.
We also discussed the inevitable merging of households if the whole ring thing stuck.

He wanted to keep his condo for a few more years, so that it might appreciate enough for us to have a better down payment on a house later on. Deep down I knew that was a smart plan, but I didn't like the idea of moving into his place instead of a new to us our place. (that's one reason he splurged on the new elfa closet system.)

Mainly, I didn't like the idea of living that far away from downtown.

I'm a downtown girl. My friends are downtown. When friends move to the suburbs, they have babies and disappear.

That's what bothered me most. I didn't want to disappear. I didn't want to be the type of married person who loses touch with my single friends. I shared this concern with a married friend of mine - who assured me it would happen. Even though it's just a 20 minute drive - no one would bother to make it. I would make new friends.

The crux is I don't want to abandon my old friends.

I hate it when someone you have been close to for years - gets married - has babies and then decides they don't have time for you - the single person - anymore.

I vow that if I ever get married, I will not neglect single people. I intend to invite them over for movie night or for meals. If I would blessed to have children, I want my single friends to be their Aunts and Uncles. I want all my friends to continue to be a part of my life - no matter their circumstances.

But maybe it's just not supposed to be that way. Maybe as people grow and move onto new stages of life - they're supposed to leave the past behind. Maybe. Because after all, the only people hurting in such a scenario are the single people.

My concern was proven when Mr. Burns and I broke up last month. It happened on a Friday night. As soon as he left my house, I texted one of my single girlfriends to see if she was working or not. She saw the urgency in my text, called me, asked what was wrong and came right over to console me.

The next morning, I wanted to share the news with my other friends. Voice mail. Five voice mails in a row. My other close friends are married and have kids - it was Saturday morning so it was family time. In a time of need - they weren't available. Not that I begrudge them time with their families. I was ALONE.

The first person to call me back was a single guy friend. Then my dear friend Kikr - who, while blissfully married, doesn't have kids - and knew that if I called at that hour (before 9am on a Saturday in her time zone) something was up.

Now, I do understand that the world doesn't have to be immediately available to me.
All I'm saying is - it made being alone sting all the more, because I'm the only one. I'm nobody's priority. I have missed the boat. I forgot to get married and have children. I waited too long. The world is justified in being indifferent to me.
The cheese stands alone.

FYI ~ my concerns about merging households was NOT the reason we broke up. Just want to clarify before someone decides to jump on me about that.

Mustard Seed

Did you know that I found my soul mate?

Relax, that's not news. I've known her for almost ten years, and two years ago she married the most wonderful man who is so, SO good for her. I want to move to San Francisco and be their next door neighbor!

But the reason I bring it up - is because I want to tell you a little story she relayed to me today. (Bear with me - this story is scattered all over the place!)

For Valentine's day, Kikr's husband gave her a lovely little necklace. It's a circle of glass surrounded by silver and inside, it holds a mustard seed.

Some of you read that description and already have an idea what it symbolizes, and have probably left to search for a similar necklace for yourself! That's okay. I'll wait.

Okay, back? Let's move on.

Kikr visited her doctor today - it was only the second visit with this doctor but she really likes her. If you've ever found a doctor or any other health professional that just puts you at ease and seems to connect with you - you'll understand how happy she is to have found this doc.

She feels that this doctor understands her, they relate well. They're simpatico.

Then as doctor was examining my friend, Kikr's necklace caught her eye. Finally when she went to listen to her heart doc asked, "What is that?"

Kikr told her it was a mustard seed.
"A mustard seed? Why?!"
"It's a symbol of faith. It's a reminder that even the tiniest bit of faith can achieve great results." Luke 17:5-6, Matthew 17:20
"Oh."

Kikr says she felt in that instant that their connection was gone.
She felt that the doctor immediately changed her view of Kikr - suddenly Kikr was one of 'those' people.

"And you know what?" Kikr asked me, "It only happens to Christians. If you're a Buddhist, the response is, 'Oh that's great. You're so enlightened.' If your Jewish, that's cool. But if you are Christian, you're one of 'those' people. I am so tired of it."

I agree with my friend's observation.
I think that is a chief factor in politics right now... if you identify as a Christian you are lumped into a category that describes you as closed-minded, ignorant, and uneducated. Apparently educated people can only think the same way.

I'll even say it doesn't work the other way around. If we meet someone who is of a different faith, or of no faith - we respond with "Okay. I'd still like to understand you. I will walk with you."

Or do we?
I feel that I do. I have a friend who is an atheist, and while I don't agree with him - I embrace him. With him I have some of the most wonderful discussions about faith.

Maybe not all Christians behave the way my friend and I do. (now, I'm not saying we're superior.) Maybe others have encountered Christians who immediately tell them they are wrong to have no faith, or wrong for not believing in Christ. Maybe they tell them they are destined for hell.
I personally don't know any Christians like that, but maybe they are out there. And if they are - well - they are bad PR!

I will admit that will point out wrong.
My atheist friend who is the midst of a divorce, told me he had reconnected with his high school sweetheart - and that they were having an affair. She's still married (and his divorce isn't final) They both have children.

I was not shy about telling him that what he was doing was wrong. He didn't like to hear it, but he heard me out. And I could only tell him what I thought, and how strongly I believed it - because I am his friend. If I had dismissed him when I met him - told him he was sinner right then - he would not have stood for my lecture!
He's given up the affair - and we are still friends.

How do you present as a Christian? Do you feel tagged by some people, or always embraced?

Do You Believe in Love? Ooo ooo ooh ooo wee ooo

Just a strain of the old Huey Lewis & the News song was in a TV commercial yesterday - and I picked out the riff of the song.

Let's set aside the fact that songs from my teenage years are selling insurance and erectile dysfunction meds now --- cause that's not depressing.
Do You Believe in Love ~ Huey Lewis & the News
and let's further ignore that this has to be the creepiest music video - with the world's worst set design ever.

The song that was so catchy when I was crushing on boys in high school - today becomes a question. Do I believe in love?

I think I don't.

Of course I believe in the "Oh my dear sweet baby, I'd do anything to protect you my child." sort of love.
But the romantic, "Let's get married, I don't want to live without you." love - not so much.

Meeting someone and having them fall head over heels - never gonna happen.

At this point, I think love is a choice. You meet someone - you click. You agree on essentials like faith, family, the difference between right and wrong - and you think, "I could live with this person." If you both agree - that's what you do. Then love grows because you share your lives together.

That's exactly what I felt when I first met Mr. Burns. Finally, here is someone like me. Someone with the same values, same family upbringing, someone who 'got' my sense of humor (because that is a big get!) For the first time, I thought - "This could actually work." rather than - "Yeah, well - keep it movin' sonny."

Now that we broke up for the second time, I have trouble understanding why so many people can do this and I can't. I mean, there are complete morons out there - people with corrupt notions of what is right and wrong - people who really shouldn't have children - and they get married and make it work and are reasonably if not ecstatically happy.

Why can't I?
What is so intrinsically unlovable about me? What makes me so imperfect that I should be sentenced to a life alone?

Of course I know that is not the case.
I know that I am lovable. I know that I am a wonderful person, who frankly, any man should be thrilled to even imagine having by his side for the rest of his life.
But, this mortal world just isn't going to provide that.
In this mortal world, I think men don't even want to be married. I don't think they seek it.

I look at the people around me - couples everywhere - and I think they are either pretending.... or they just decided that life together is better than life apart and they did it.

How on this green earth do you get a man to just decide to do it? Mr. Burns couldn't. I always did think he was waiting for some bolt of lightning to signify that this was the 'right' one. And I don't think that's how it works. I think you gotta just go for it and then put your faith in God to make it work.

I can't figure it out. All I know is that I opened my heart and my life to this man and - nothing.

I don't think this love thing everyone is talking about is real.

Wanna tell me what you think? I'd love to know.

In Which I Want to Crawl in a Hole and Disappear - and also some happy thoughts

I've had a very bad day.

This morning I was brought to tears by my bank balance - that which is whittling away as I wait for my first unemployment check, work a measly 15 hours a week at a part-time job (which I LOVE btw), and wait to hear if I get the promotion to full-time manager at said job, which they won't decide until April.

I've been in similar situations before, watching a waning account balance while unemployed... and the sweet Lord has always provided for me in amazing ways.

In my heart, I know I'll be okay through the grace of God - but I struggle with thoughts that I should be better at providing for myself. I did not lose my job on account of being a bad employee. I lost it because the city for which I worked had to make severe budget cuts. Still, it hurts my pride all the same.

Then, after drying my tears and struggling with fears of becoming homeless I got a message from my part-time job. Now I was faced with the decision of covering a 4-hour shift which would result in $40 being added to my account balance - or - staying home to apply for 5 jobs so that I qualify for this week's unemployment benefits equaling $150. Some choice... work to provide for myself - or - apply for jobs that don't even meet my qualifications.

I stayed home and wrote meaningless cover letters.

I don't know for certain how I am going to make ends meet. As I considered this, my thoughts strayed to the one thing that disappoints me about my Church. The one area where the Catholic church falls down in comparison to other denominations is helping those in need. Yes, the church funds Project Rachel, and supports food banks and homeless shelters. Catholic Charities handles most assistance needs, but it would be great if the people you worship with would extend a helping hand -or at least a comforting shoulder- to those sitting right in their midst who need help and support. (and let me tell you, my parish is filled with very wealthy folks. I think, the sort who would never imagine that someone 'just like them' by all appearances is in such a bad way.)

I have a friend at my church who is going through a very tough time - she has a small child and she's greatly pregnant and dealing with a huge personal crisis. Many people at church have an idea what she is going through. They know I am her friend and they ask me if she is okay and what they can do to help. (she is hiring help and has family flying in to help when the baby is born.)

The same people also know that I am unemployed for the second time in 2.5 years. But they don't ask me how they can help. I'm sure they are praying that I will find a suitable job - but that doesn't give me immediate help.

And I hate that I am even considering the idea of being a charity case - but it is getting that bad right now.

Oddly, my pregnant-personal-crisis-friend has great financial resources. She has asked me to help her with some projects - and I gladly do. Then before I leave she writes me a check to 'pay' me. I don't want her money -- but today I appreciate the fact that we are helping one another in the ways that we each need to be helped. In ways we are each capable of helping.

I guess I am just saying that we should all try to be aware of what those around us are going through - and offer to help. Even it's just taking that person out to lunch - or slip them a gift card to the grocery store. (I checked - I don't seem to qualify for food stamps - though I don't understand how they came to that conclusion)

On a more uplifting note - I have a bloggy award!
Stacey at Stacey's Thoughts on Infertility seems to LIKE me! I am so thrilled for her right now - as she is finally, cautiously embarking on that nine month journey to a real live miracle - child to love!!

To me she has bestowed the Sugar Doll Award.
I am not sure of the criteria - but I do graciously accept!The rules are simply to copy the award to your own blog, tell your readers 10 things about yourself, and pass it along!

So, 10 things about me:

1. I can’t think of any single thing that would inspire me to run. Including impending death.

2. I don’t wear pink. Not no way, not no how.

3. I love the sound of a helicopter flying over my roof. Hard to explain. It’s some sort of thrill. I have lived near hospitals and under the Police Chopper flight path in my last four apartments (3 cities) – so the sound makes me feel at home now.

4. I don’t cook. I don’t enjoy it – it’s a chore. Many friends assume this means I can’t cook. Silly. I can follow directions just like anyone else. When I do cook – it’s very good. I’d just rather make food for 20 people than for one. It makes it worth the effort expended.

5. If sleeping soundly were an Olympic event, I’d be Michael Phelps. If a burning house and four fire trucks outside my window can’t wake me – what confidence can I place in three alarm clocks?

6. I’m so not afraid of heights that it’s dangerous. I love heights. Particularly precarious heights. I once stood atop each presidential head on Mount Rushmore. At one point I was so close to the precipice of Jefferson’s forehead that a Park Ranger tied a rope around me.

7. I really thought I’d be married and have kids by now. Like 7 years ago. I’m sort of pissed that I don’t get what everyone else gets in life. Not for lack of trying.

8. I was completely distraught when, in treatment of hip pain, my chiropractor suggested that I wear only flat shoes for a few months. MONTHS?!

9. I kind of enjoy losing control while driving on ice, because I get a little thrill from recovering. No fun if you crash.

10. Animals personified make me laugh every time. Always. A dog in a hat. An animated animal reading the newspaper or wearing an apron… hilarious. The catch is, I am now so accustomed to Brian/Family Guy being personified, that I crack up when he does something canine.

I'd like to give this award to some bloggy friends who charm the heck out of me!

Have a Cute Day - so inspirational!
The Nester - I'd like to steal her house!
Jennifer at Conversion Diary - she's a former atheist who has converted to Catholicism. Blessed with incredible writing skills she has the ability to inspire cradle Catholics like myself to believe and serve better!
Genevra at Conversations with Myself - someone I want to know IRL!
and speaking of wanting to know In Real Life - I'm dying to meet Erin Ann especially once she's back from Haiti!

These are the folks that help me entertain my unemployed mind with all this time off!! Can I also blame them for me being internet addicted and out of shape?

Resolutions I Can Stick To!

I have a history of Epic Fail when it comes to New Years Resolutions. So mostly I just don't.
Actually, I make the typical goals of exercising more, getting back in shape, eating better and being kinder - but those are just goals; no point making it a resolution - I should be doing it anyway.

So I find that I'm opting for a friendlier, more fun form of resolution. The kind I can stick to - and can still consider self-improvement because it makes me look and feel better even if I'm not getting into better shape!

It started last year when a quick inventory of my closet revealed this:Oh yes, that's a lot of clothes. I was initially impressed with the variety until I realized every single thing is Grey, White, Cream, Black or Brown!!! A closet full of neutrals! Oh the shame!

I did some introspection and realized that I tend toward neutrals because I want everything to go with everything. But a closet full of neutrals doesn't really work. It's pretty boring. (please note: the two striped items are new additions - to be explained later. and yes I realize they are grey and white and black and white!) Bah!

So for 2009 my goal was to infuse color into my closet. I don't know why every time I find something that is just adorable - it's always grey or black! Why is that?!
A year later - here are my additions:
The reds were already there, as were the green and teal blue sweaters.

From Blah to Bright
For 2010 my goal is to explore patterns and accessories. I'm getting inspired by fashion bloggers like Clothed Much, Have a Cute Day and Infinite Whimsy. I really need to jazz things up!

You see, I'm a little afraid of patterns and prints. I think because I'm fairly tiny ~ and because I feel my face doesn't have strong features... I'm afraid I'll disappear in a pattern or print. (My friends assure me this is crazy, but still it's how I feel. )

So that's how I ended up with one striped t-shirt and one striped cardigan - My first print purchases of 2010!!! Really branching out there.

Accessories are another story.
My parents taught me to be frugal and so I've viewed accessories as unnecessary. When you limit your clothing purchases to under $20 an item - belts and jewelry often double the cost of an outfit - so I never bothered to get any.

I have 5 new belts now - and I know another reason why I didn't buy any for most of my life... THEY NEVER FIT!! I've taken 3 belts to the tailor to shorten from the buckle end... and they still don't fit right. Basically you have to decide if it's a belt you are going to wear at the waist or below your waist. One belt cannot do both jobs. That's not very versatile, therefore I just skip it!

Even my shoes are a little too practical. I want them to go with everything so I don't stray too far from the mainstream. Smart - but a bit boring. My personality is NOT this tame. One of the best compliments I ever got was a co-worker's wife who said my outfits were always so cute... "If you had any money, you'd be fabulous!"

Here are some of my new outfits combining old standbys - new punches of color - and accessories!!
White tuxedo ruffle T - from the Gap
Yellow Cardigan - TJMaxx
Grey Skirt - Target
Belt - TJMaxx
Black boots - TJMaxx

Tweed Jacket - $7 at Dillards 4 years ago
Green turtleneck - Tweeds $19 at TJMaxx
Black Skirt - Shade Clothing
Belt - ditto
Boots - ditto

White button down - had for ages
Teal sweater - Charlotte Russe
Brown pants - Candies from Kohls
Belt - purchased in my college years (1990)
Brown Boots - years old from Ross

Let's see what happens this year! I'll post updates - feel free to critique some of my choices. (praise preferred!)

Relief

I didn't expect this. This feeling of hope. Of expectation.

For about two days after the break-up, I spent the time mourning my lacking fertility. Sort of: "Oh great, almost 40 and single again... what great odds for reproduction."

After Mass on Sunday, I spoke to a casual friend (someone in my social circle - someone whom I like - but we're not extremely close)

She: "Are you still seeing...?"
Me: "Actually we broke up on Friday..."
She: "I've been wanting to introduce you to my friend S."

Seriously, she didn't even want to know more about the break-up! It's like she knew it was over and I was ready to move on. She explained that she'd even brought him to church once - so I could meet him - and that's when I was with Mr. Burns. She turned to her friend and said it looked like I was taken. That was three years ago. She's wanted us to meet for that long.

So that gave me a little hope, that maybe there is someone right around the corner. It could be S. It could be someone else. But the point is - I feel hopeful. I was afraid I would feel destitute. I was focused on being 'old', out-of-shape, out-of-work and out of contention for any good, Godly man seeking his life's mate.

The Lord's tender mercy pulled me out of the 'Woe is me' phase - faster than I expected. I am so grateful. (No doubt in part to many prayers from my beautiful bloggy friends - and my fabulous in-real-life friends too! Thank you!)

Mr. Burns stopped by this evening to deliver various things that I had left at his house. Serving dishes from our Christmas celebration, my weight set, other random stuff.

As we wrapped things up, I noticed he looked happy - and remarked on it.
He told me I looked happy too.
It was tough for both of us to realize that we were responsible for keeping the other from this easy happiness. That the weight that was dragging us down - was in fact our relationship.

Now we're both free. It's time to move on.

And So it Goes

When I called my parents the other day, Dad had some news.

He finally went to see an attorney about drafting a will. (Gee Dad, ya think you should get on that at age 77?) He wanted to know what I thought about some of the provisions. My family doesn't have much money, but my parents want to be fair.

As Dad explained some of the terms, he paused and said, "Well, what's going on in your love life?"
(I have to laugh because my dad stays completely OUT of my dating life. He's so precious to have never taken a position about me ever getting married or not!!)

Me: "We just broke up."

He stepped over it as a simple piece of information and explained that, barring (or despite) any changes in my marital status he's arranged for anything to go to Mom first, then to us kids - and whether I would have a husband or not, when I'm gone my share would go to the grandchildren. My nieces, nephew and great-niece.

Is that okay with me?

Absolutely. That's exactly what I would have suggested.
Nice to know we think alike.

But then for a split second - I was sad that even in this stage of the game it's a foregone conclusion that I won't have a husband or children.

My Heart is not Broken

But my ovaries are mad as hell.

I'm not sure exactly how Mr. Burns and I started spending time together again. It was in the spring, about six months after we broke up. He told me then, that he finally realized that he cared more about my well-being than for his own.

I figured that was worth a second chance.

I didn't take to it very easily. He took me out for my birthday (in June) and took to nuzzling me like giddy teenager - so excited to be with me. I wanted to enjoy that, as I had waited so long for such a display. But it made me uncomfortable, in part because I had just spent six months trying to move on from him and in part because I just didn't believe it was real.

By the time I was ready for him be crazy about me - he was past it. He was also past putting my well-being before his own.


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This weekend, he told me that he thought he had done every thing possible to try to make me happy, and that it just didn't work. (My friends are throwing down Bull Sh!t flags all over this statement)

So, my bloggy friends - the singles in particular - heed my warnings:

1) When the man you are crazy about makes no efforts to meet your parents and family - he's not invested. This should happen anywhere from 4 months to 9 months into your relationship. Not 2 1/2 years.

2) When he takes his sister from out-of-state on overnight trips - but never plans one with you (and I'm not talking about boinking - I'm just referring to a nice little trip essential for bonding) he's not invested. Again, this usually happens in the first 3-9 months of a relationship - not years!!

3) If there is always a reason that he can't join you to meet your friends, to meet your parents... even if it appears it's not his fault ... even if it's a 9 hour drive -- he's out of town on a work trip that just came up - or he just got back from said trip and it's not convenient. He is so not invested. Everyone I know in happy relationships, married or not - would just show up even if they're covered in grease or ash or cow manure or operating on two hours sleep. If he cared, he'd make it there.

Also,

4) A man who wants to win your heart will spontaneously do nice things for you. Like fix the window in your kitchen that sticks. Or install a smoke detector. Or wash your car. He will notice these things on his own and just do them. He will not ask you to make a list that he will never get to.

He does these things because your well-being means more to him than sleep, or fear of heights or the 20 minute drive between your houses.

Do not spend 3 years of your life with the guy who doesn't... thinking that he will get there eventually. He won't. Let him be someone else's heartache.

Turn your heart back over to God... and send the next man straight to God to ask for it if he wants it.

Mr. Burns and I broke up. I'm okay. I'm over it. I've already started an online dating profile. I'm only upset that my last few years of child-bearing potential have been wasted. Hence the comment from my ovaries!! My friends new boyfriend - the one who installed 5 new smoke detectors in her rented house... remarked, "TRS, you don't look like you're going to be 40!" I replied, "Thank you. Tell that to my ovaries."

In Mass on Sunday... the first four notes of a song brought me to tears. A song that to me, sums up the relationship that I want with one of God's earthly men:

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Will you let me be your servant, Let me be as Christ to you; Pray that I may have the grace to Let you be my servant, too.

We are pilgrims on a journey, We are travelers on the road; We are here to help each other. Walk the mile and bear the load.

I will hold the Christlight for you In the night-time of your fear; I will hold my hand out to you, Speak the peace you long to hear.

I will weep when you are weeping; When you laugh I'll laugh with you. I will share your joy and sorrow, Till we've seen this journey through.

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When we sing to God in heaven We shall find such harmony, Born of all we've known together Of Christ's love and agony.

Text & Tune: Richard Gillard ©1977, Scripture in Song

My Heart Wants to Go to Haiti

So yes, my heart wants to go to Haiti.I want to love on some orphans, and help them to feel if only for a minute or two - that despite the rubble around them, and that they haven't seen their parents in weeks and possibly never will again - that everything will be okay. I want to bathe them in God's love. The simple knowledge that another person cares goes a long way.

My heart wants to do this. But my spirit is weak.

My bloggy friend, Erin Ann knew of my desire to go there. We are both unemployed and share the feeling that perhaps there is a reason that God has made us available - without strings - in a time of need. She sent me an invitation to apply for a volunteer trip to Haiti with the Utah Hospital Task Force. After some deliberation, I submitted the application, praying that God would do with it what He wants.

While the UHTF decided who to take based on all our critical skills - I thought about the children and the devastation in Haiti - and - I thought about my own reality.

I own my condo, and without the benefit of Unemployment Insurance payments right now, I can't pay my mortgage and keep my home. My parents would each have a heart attack if I went to Haiti. (I'm not even kidding. They would self-induce heart attacks if that is at all possible) I need to be able to interview for the job I have been waiting for. And let's face it... three nights in a tent is my limit. 21 days in a dangerous, not-exactly-hospitable place isn't really smart for a girl who is allergic to everything, environment and food included.

Regardless, I prayed for God to use my application as He sees fit.

In the meantime, they sent us all an email detailing the conditions, dangers and risks of being in Haiti at this time. I'll be honest - it scared me. I thought, "My parents would NOT want me to go there." While I could tough it out for a week or so - I don't think I could handle it for 21 days.

I didn't make the cut for the plane of 150 people leaving for Haiti tomorrow (Thursday, Jan 28). But I am on the back-up list if they get enough donations to send a second plane.

My friend, Erin Ann didn't make the cut either. But she visited the UHTF offices to volunteer and they decided to take her along to Haiti as the UHTF Press Secretary! ( So excited for her... such a great experience and she can add it to resume!! )

UHTF is bringing all their own supplies, including food and water - so that they will take nothing away from the people of Haiti. This is one organization that you can be confident, the donations are actually going to benefit the cause in Haiti.

Please go visit my dear friend at Moments of Clarity and Chaos... she's scrambling to get her shots and belongings together for an early morning flight. You can follow her while she's in Haiti here, on twitter and on Facebook... and if you can make a donation, know it will be put to very good use by very good people.

Here is more on the effort from Erin Ann:

The Utah Hospital Task Force (http://utahhospitaltaskforce.org) will deploy Thursday to Haiti to help the victims of the devastating earthquake just a few weeks ago. The team of 150 volunteers of doctors, nurses, translators and other professionals are going to Haiti to help rescue the displaced, homeless, and sick children. Many orphanages were destroyed in the earthquake on January 13, 2010. Another after shock this past week has created an even more desperate situation. Stories of toddlers wandering alone in the streets, children found sleeping alone in abandoned and dangerous buildings, and more heartbreaking, horrible tales continue to come out of Haiti daily. The Utah Hospital Task Force, along with Healing Hands for Haiti (an existing charitable organization) will be working to quickly provide medical care for the children, rebuild their orphanages, and when possible, bring them safely to the United States.

The Utah Hospital Task Force airplane will deliver the volunteers to Haiti on Thursday night, and will quickly be filled with orphans who will fly to Utah to meet their waiting adoptive families. Please help us bring more children back to safety and to loving homes with your donation today.

The Utah Hospital Task Force volunteers will be living within the Healing Hands for Haiti medical compound in tents during their stay. (The medical compound buildings were destroyed in the earthquake.) The volunteers will also be living with and helping serve the children from two nearby destroyed orphanages. Living conditions will be primitive and resources scarce, but the volunteers are happy to serve. But donations are desperately needed to help keep the operations safe and effective.

Please visit http://HealingHandsforHaiti.org and click on the donate PayPal button. To ensure that your donation is used for this mission, please click “special instructions to seller” on PayPal and write “Utah Hospital Task Force” in the box.

To follow the experiences of the task force in Haiti please visit http://utahhospitaltaskforce.org. You can also follow them on Twitter at http://twitter.com/uhtf and on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/UtahHospitalTaskForce.

Thank you for your support and donations!

If you can't send money... send your heart. And prayers.
I will be following Erin Ann with my heart. I'm praying for her safety and the safety of everyone involved. And by following her experience - I'll know if I'm ready if they get that second plane cleared!!

An Exercise in Futility

As you may know, my job ended the week before Christmas. With three months warning, it was hard to maintain excitement for doing the job. When you know the job is ending, you sort of check out. It's frustrating, because no matter how great the work you do is... you know it won't help keep your job. Of course you want to maintain pride in your work - but even so - you can't help but check out.

So when the end came, I was sort of looking forward to a break. Plus I have a good lead on a permanent job with the portrait studio for whom I work part-time so I wasn't feeling too anxious.

Finally, I filed for unemployment two weeks ago. As a part of the requirements, I am to make five job contacts a week. My career field is pretty specialized, and realistically there are probably only 10 companies in this city who could hire me to do what I do. And maybe 20 more on the fringe of what I do. Now let's imagine how many of those 30 companies are hiring.

Zero.

In the past, I've told the unemployment office official the numbers situation - and they assured me they didn't want me to apply for jobs for which I am overqualified or unqualified, and they reduced my requirement to two a week.

This time, I explained the same thing and I was told that due to the economy and circumstances the way they are - that I can't limit myself to my career field. I have to apply for anything.

Let's think about this. There are 120,000 people in Denver on unemployment right now. They are all supposed to make 5 job contacts a week - regardless of whether the jobs are suitable.

Wouldn't you hate to work in HR right now?
Can you imagine weeding through the 600,000 applications a week flowing in from people who don't even fit the job description?
This rule doesn't do any body any good!

So I should apply for the over-night gig at 7-11, keeping the person whose ONLY option is employment at 7-11 from getting the work they are qualified for?!!!??!

I realize there are plenty of people who are milking the unemployment system and taking advantage... and they need a way to weed them out.
But in this economy, there are also plenty well-intentioned, hard-working people like me who have earned their unemployment benefits and deserve them - whether or not there are job openings in their employment field.

I think - with the vast number of Americans on unemployment right now - that the president should make an offer. If you volunteer to go to Haiti and help the people in need, the US will continue to pay your UE benefits while you are gone, so that you can keep your house and pay your bills. Don't worry about applying for jobs that don't exist. Do what you were put on this Earth to do - and help your fellow man.

That's what I think.

Something I Love - A Testimony

I'm a total convert!
This past year I made the switch from Cl!nque make-up to Bare Minerals.I'll admit that I was attracted to the brand in part because of all of the brushes! In fact, for years and years I secretly dreamed of owning a set of quality make-up brushes. But they are spendy and I am - for the most part - cheap.

Working in television, I've encountered a few make-up artists but it wasn't until I was about 36 years old that one of them informed me that sponge applicators for eye make-up are likely responsible for the majority of eye wrinkles.
Ack!
Had I known... I would have splurged on good brushes years ago!!

In my younger years, I dealt with a lot of sensitivity to make-up and Cl!nque was the only one my skin could tolerate. I gladly spent extra money just so I wouldn't deal with ugly reactions.

Then Bare Minerals was introduced. I tried the face powder and was wholly impressed! I used it for a good six months while I hoped and prayed that the eye make-up wouldn't cause reactions. Finally, I went in for a consultation and ended up dropping a wad of money on the eye kit and some additional brushes. No bad reactions. Not one!

And I'm surprised to admit that my favorite product in their line is the Prime Time eyelid primer. No kidding - I was SO skeptical. I've spent half my life and half my budget re-applying eye make-up due to my oily t-zone.
Every make-up counter tells me about their eye primer - and I've tried them to no avail. Prime Time is really great. My eye make-up stays ON - flawlessly - ALL DAY! I love this stuff!
OH! and the Flawless Definition Mascara - Hallelujah - a mascara that actually works on puny lashes!!
And no, I'm not being compensated to endorse Bare Minerals - although I would if they asked me to!

I love that the starter kits come in sets with the brushes. Now I have a decent set of brushes. Lots of them!! At home, I store them where I apply my make-up.

But for weekend trips or overnights I was worried I might damage the brushes in my make-up bag.
I remembered an old brush roll kit that my sister had years ago and set out to find one - with no luck. So I finally broke down and sewed my own out of some scrap material.
How do you like that?
There is a slot for each brush - then it rolls up and ties closed - protecting my precious brushes when I travel.

If anyone is interested, I'm thinking about putting together a tutorial on how to make one. Although I feel it is pretty self explanatory - considering I totally winged it!
I did document it with pictures when I made mine.

If you are like me - I mean, like I used to be... and have never once in your life experienced your eye make-up staying on ALL DAY - I highly recommend Bare Minerals Prime Time eye primer. It's so good, it probably even works with other eye shadow brands - but I will never dare to find out!!

By Faith Or By Effort?

I am waiting to hear about a job that I really want, for which I am very well-suited and that I am quite confident that I will get.

I am praying about it several times a day, and trying to keep in touch with the decision-maker.

But I am also thinking I ought to file for unemployment in case I don't get it, so that I can get some cash flow going. (it takes about 2 weeks to get your first check)

I worry that filing for unemployment benefits might suggest that I don't trust God to provide me with this ideal position.

Or maybe... you pray like God will handle it - and work as if you must do it alone.
Isn't that how we should handle all our prayers? Pray like He's in charge - but work like YOU are?

Merry Christmas Indeed!

On Christmas Eve, I worked in the morning and then headed out to Mr. Burns house who would be returning from the airport with some family members who were visiting. As I drove, I found myself behind a woman in a Mercedes, who stopped in the middle of traffic and dashed out her car.

I watched as she delivered a decorated gift bag to a homeless person who was panhandling on the street. I figured I'd stay behind her car, rather than pull around her so that I could help protect her car from another driver who might not realize she was stopped.

She got back in the car and went half a block before she stopped the car again. She handed the next group of homeless panhandlers gift bags and cash. I studied the inside of her car and determined it looked like her three teen-aged sons were with her... and something was taking up space on the back seat, as two boys were sitting close together on one end of the seat bench.

I continued to follow the Mercedes, mesmerized. They were stopping traffic to hand out gift bags and large bills to all the homeless people they saw!

I gave a gentle honk and gave them both thumbs up as I smiled from ear to ear -- and even missed my turn by 5 blocks because I so enjoyed witnessing the act of kindness!.

Merry Christmas everyone!

The Spirit of Christmas?

I have been mystified.
It started sometime in the past ten years - when it seemed to suddenly become inappropriate to wish someone a Merry Christmas. 'Happy Holidays' is somehow more politically correct. Someone, society maybe, is trying to suck Christ out of Christmas.

I decided years ago to fight it. I will say 'Merry Christmas' and I'll mean it. I'm not trying to squelch anybody else's beliefs - but I will not deny my own.

Then I noticed, every time I wish a heart-felt 'Merry Christmas' to a stranger in a store - I get a knot in my throat and tears in my eyes. A bit mystifying. A bit disturbing. Am I struggling internally with forcing my faith on someone else? Or is it just an extension of my inability to sing hymns in church without being moved to tears?

Am I a true Christian sharing my faith, or am I just making lip service by wishing someone a Merry Christmas?

Last night I rushed into a Ross store after work to pick up some cheap supplies for our Christmas celebration. Serving spoons, a nice platter - that sort of thing - without having to drop a lot of cash. I'm unemployed/underemployed again this year and I'm not buying Christmas gifts for my whole family - so I certainly didn't want to go overboard on supplies.

After I checked out and was walking to my car, a woman sitting in the entryway greeted me.
"How are you tonight?" she asked.
"Good and you?
"I'm homeless." she said.
"Oh no." I replied. "Can I help you with anything?"
"Can you give me money for a warm cup of coffee?"
"Sure." I pulled out $5 and handed it to her, figuring she could get that and something to eat at the pancake house next door.
"I could use a blanket to keep warm." she offered.

I thought for second, realizing that I could go back into the store and get her a blanket or a comforter from the home department. Then I remembered the blanket I keep in the trunk of my car in case of being stranded. I went and got it for her.

When I returned, she slipped her feet out of her cheap, ill-fitting sneakers. They were bandaged and crusty and swollen. She told me that she'll get Disability in two weeks but for now she has nothing. She said her foot was swelling quickly.

I thought about the City Mission, but reasoned that she must know about it and if she wasn't already there she probably didn't want to be there. (I could be wrong.) I wondered if there was a cheap motel nearby where I could get her a room for $20. I wanted to help, I told her, but I just got laid-off myself and don't have a lot of money. (I felt a bit of a lie - as I am struggling for the lifestyle I am accustomed to... but I have plenty.)

I looked at her feet again. "Do you have socks?"
"No."
"Let's see if we can get you some warm boots."
She sprang from her seat and followed me to the shoe department where I learned she wears a size 11. Of course there were only about five items in the size 11 section - so we settled on a pair of fuzzy lined, rubber soled slippers with plenty of room for her swollen, bandaged foot and a pair of socks.

It cost about $15.
I figured I'm not buying anyone else gifts, I can at least do this. ( I could probably do more.)

I met her back at the entryway and told her I hope they would be warm.
She asked if she could come stay at my house that night.
I said I didn't have room. (I mean, what do you do?)

I wondered if she went to the hospital for her foot if they would keep her overnight and before I said it aloud, realized they wouldn't. I didn't know what to do. How else I could help. (Frankly, without inconveniencing myself more.)
I did sincerely want to help, but I also didn't want her sleeping on my couch.

And now I am still struggling. I did show her kindness - but was I Christ-like?

I turned to leave and wished her a Merry Christmas - there was no knot in my throat, and no welling of tears - and she is the first person who wished it back with real sincerity in her voice.

Ducks

You haven't heard too much about Mr. Burns around these parts lately - and that's only because I'm carefully sorting out thoughts and feelings, and enjoying the complete turn-around from last year at this time.

There is a lot of 'future-talk' these days. He has suggested that if we were to get married, we should live in his condo for a year or so to save up for a house. The idea scares me (not the marriage - but living in his small condo) because my best friend moved into her husband's tiny house in 2002 and they are still there -- now with two children!!

My chief complaint is that there are only two closets... a coat closet and a walk-in closet in the master bedroom (the spare room doesn't even have a closet - it was designed to be an office.) I suggested that if I were to move in, we would have to redesign the closet space to accommodate both of us. So last weekend, he bought an elfa closet system and we installed it together. Amazing! He keeps opening the closet doors and saying, "Wow!"

The redesign required completely emptying his closet - removing the old builder-grade shelves and rods - installing the new system - and then organizing his stuff back in the new closet.

In the process he uncovered something he picked up years ago in Korea when he was sent there for a few months on his first job out of college.

They're called Marriage Ducks. A traditional gift for a Korean couple, each duck represents the bride and groom - and is a symbol of the status of their marriage.

Traditional Korean Weddings always include a pair of Korean Wedding Ducks. Ducks mate for life, and are revered by the Korean people as symbols of loyalty and fidelity in a marriage. After the marriage, the Wedding Ducks are placed in the home of the newlyweds. If the ducks are facing each other, nose to nose, then the marriage is happy. If the ducks are facing away from each other, tail to tail, then the couple is fighting. The female duck has blue and red strings tied around her bill as a reminder to keep silent and always support her husband.
source: http://www.designjournalmag.com/product/Korean_Wedding_Duck

I was touched that he thought to buy the ducks back in his early twenties - clearly expecting marriage at some point in his life - and that now after many years this hopeful souvenir might turn out to be meant for me/us.

He surprised me further by taking them out of their box and setting them on the fireplace mantle, nose to nose, above our hanging Christmas stockings.

The next day I was especially crabby - due to outside forces. With the fuel from all my negative energy I ended up cleaning most of his house. The circumstances that made me angry kept swirling in my head as I thought of all the sassy retorts I could fling at those who irritated me to this state. I evaluated my crabby mood and thought about the ducks - and how it would benefit me to keep my mouth shut rather than spout out all the complaints in my head.

When Mr. Burns returned home, along with all the cleaning I accomplished... he noticed the female duck and the string I had tied around her beak, then burst out laughing.

I don't know if it was the cleaning and burning off my angry jet fuel that improved my mood for the rest of the day - or my acknowledgement of my big fat mouth.

But I think the ducks are a great idea.

The Challenge

I tend to challenge assumptions. Particularly as a single woman.

Once, just after I completed college I had to call my High School to get some transcripts or some such.

So I called my High School and a student, working in the school office answered. I told her what I needed and she asked for my name. I told her my name, the same as I introduced myself at the start of the phone call.

"I mean your maiden name." she said.
Really?!
"One in the same." I replied. "I've only just finished college, not married yet."

Ugh!


Shortly after I bought my condo, a friend, also a new homeowner told me about a home store going out of business. She knew I wanted to change my bathroom sink and thought I might find a deal there.

I remembered to swing by after work one day - failing to bring my measurements with me - but thinking I could look around.

A salesman swarmed me, and upon hearing I wanted a pedestal sink showed me a sink that could suffice for a tub!
"I think that is too big for my space. I'm sorry, I forgot to bring my measurements."

He went on about it being a 'regular size'. Not realizing that I live in an older building and not an oversized modern home that needs a sink the size of a swimming pool to bring things to scale.

He was relentless - trying to push the sink on me. I insisted my determination that it would not fit between the toilet and the tub and suddenly he was hit with a bright idea.
"You could call. Find out the right measurement."

I didn't skip a beat.

"Call? Call where, my home? Who would answer? I'm here. I am not home. I cannot answer at home if I am here."

He did not understand.
So I clarified.

"I'm not married. I live alone. There is no husband to come to my rescue here."

He was bewildered. As if I couldn't own a home without a husband or something.

Anyway. I left the salesman, looked around the store and found the perfect pedestal sink (petite size) for $49 and hired a handyman to install it.

I still love that sink!

Rawr!

I'm pretty sure I woke up this morning, already upset. Not that I'm ever very cheery in the morning but something was weighing on my mind.

I'm trying to find more of my own personal space in my life and part of that comes in the form of time away from my and everyone else's blog - and checking my email only occasionally. I have a bit of an Internet addiction... once I'm on it ... hours fly by. I'm losing my life.

So now I'm choosing to only minimally check my email, lest I be sucked in by the rest of the Internet.

I'm on my HOA board - at this point - mainly because I don't trust what the board will do if I'm NOT on it. The Board President sent a snarky email saying he hasn't heard from any of us about the email he sent Saturday morning. I first saw both of these emails on Monday when I finally got around to checking my email- and explained that to him - only to get a response back that he checks HIS email a couple times a day and it's not too much to expect that we all do the same.

FINE! Maybe you aren't addicted to the Internet like I am!

Suddenly, my head was swirling with everything that keeps me from living the life I want right now.
But mainly, I can't stand it when I feel that someone is upset with me so it spun 'round and 'round inside me. Until I called Mr. Burns to let it out.

Then I was talking about resigning from the board - and selling my condo and ... and ... and...

Mr. Burns said, "I'm finally understanding how you get when your period starts."
Whoa!
He was right. I was more emotional than I needed to be, and that was exactly why.
Then he said, "The first few times it was like, 'Jeez, she's crazy'. But now I know it just is what it is."

I had to laugh - because as menstrual symptoms go - the sweet Lord has spared me. I get serious fatigue the first day then it's mostly over with. Until I was regularly around Mr. Burns I didn't realize how emotional I get (also the first day) - and that's probably because I have enough girlfriends to spout off to that they never had to hear it every month. But poor Mr. Burns is my go-to set of ears and shoulders now.

So I laughed and told him that compared to a lot women, I'm not even very bad. (though I do think my emotional range is worse now as I'm getting older). He agreed, reminding me that I once broke down and declared myself "Just a pile of goo." That is what he refers to me as at those times now.

Actually, I think that ought to keep him around because if I'm pretty mild - he doesn't want to find out what 'normal' PMS is like in other women!!!

Gratitude

I know my life is not perfect. It is filled with challenges and complications that often frustrate me.

Finding the ideal job after 14 months of unemployment/ underemployment - and getting laid-off a year later. Finding a really good man and having to break up because something keeps him from being 100% invested. Buying a condo all by myself - and having the worst neighbor in the history of the world move in below me!!!

I know my life is not perfect. I know that no body's is. But it does seem that some people are charmed. Nothing seems to go wrong. Everything goes so smoothly, you wonder if they even notice.

Like the friend who announces her pregnancy to everyone she knows the second the stick turns blue. Really? You're not worried the stick is wrong, or that the pregnancy won't stick?
When every other friend I know dealt with at least one miscarriage before they had a pregnancy they could announce - it seems like just assuming everything is going to go perfectly is akin to taking that blessing for granted.

Or the friend who has to make up problems. With her husband's support, she's a stay at home mom - but stresses that their house is too small for their children to be proud of. That the baby's room isn't 100% Pottery Barn. Precious time with your children and enough blankets to be warm, no matter the label or thread count is nothing to take for granted.

So today, I am thankful for the challenges in my life. I can't take having a job for granted, I can't take a man who loves me unconditionally for granted. My parents, in their 70s are healthy and hilarious - can't take that for granted.

I've always said that taking so long to find the right guy - I would never take my husband, or the fact that I have a husband - for granted. And I don't think I ever could. (should that day arrive!)

Doing without should make a person appreciate that which she has.
I'm grateful for the challenges in my life because they make me appreciate the sweet, simple, easy stuff all the more.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Back to Sleep

My back - particularly my shoulders - are all kinds of jacked-up.

I've had a knot in my right shoulder for about 20 years now. It was dissolved for about a week around three years ago when my dear, dear friend Kikr treated me to her favorite massage therapist. If only I could afford to visit a 6' 7", 260lb, ex-marine-turned- massage-therapist in San Francisco once a week - perhaps I could keep that knot at bay.

I can't, so the knot is stubbornly at the base of my neck and screaming at me on a daily basis.
It screams really loudly in the mornings as I wake up laying on my back with my right shoulder next to my ear. It takes a good hour and a hot shower to ease the stiff pain.
This morning, I woke up with my right arm above my head, as if I were in a dramatic fainting scene in a silent film. Shoulder firmly planted next to my ear.

My chiropractor does not find this amusing. She enjoys my rendition of the story of course, but once she gets me on the table and starts cracking away she tells me just how out of alignment I am. Today even my ribs were out of place!! Not kidding.
If only I could afford to see her each week!

Today, she reminded me that lying on one's stomach immediately moves one's spine out of alignment. I knew it wasn't good for me, but I never before realized that it was that bad! I told her that I thought I was making progress because for the past year I've been waking up on my back. Yay me!
But the fact that I crawl into bed, ease to my right side for about 5 minutes then roll onto my stomach, cradling my pillow between my arms and my head until I fall asleep has her concerned. We don't know what time of the night or morning I move to my back.

She told me that some folks sew pockets on the front of their PJs and fill them with tennis balls to avoid rolling onto their tummy. I imagined that it would take just two attempts to roll over before those tennis balls find themselves across the room!!

How do you fall asleep? Have you ever had to break the habit of sleeping on your stomach - and how did you do it?