More or Less

About eight years ago I met the first man I fell in love with. (I was 32)
I had had so many years of dissappointment, of Mr. Maybes, of 'I-like-him-but-I'm-not-excited-about-him' experiences that I had no idea what love might really feel like. So when I met Joki and we shared the excitement of wanting to see each other All. the. Time, not worrying about who called last, or if calling again might seem desperate... and just basking in one another's company, well it was completely new to me.

We were in the same career field (read: neither of us makes much money) which accounted for our similar personality traits and spot on senses of humor.

It didn't last. Due to our religious differences, (he's Jewish, I'm Catholic - and while I knew we could make it work if we decided to - he was set on marrying a Jewish woman. He's engaged now, BTW and she's lovely, Hubble.) we decided not to start something we couldn't finish.

It was the first hardest decision I ever made.
But I took it as a message from God that if He had made one man like Joki - there had to be more!

Soon after, one of my girlfriends came to me trying to justify breaking up with a guy who was 'great' but didn't own his own home, or have a high paying job. These were her chief complaints about the relationship.
To be honest, I thought she was being materialistic... and I told her that if I could have made it work with Joki, I was fully prepared to live with him in my little one-bedroom, 740 square foot condo for the next 40 years if that's all we could ever afford.

She told me that my passionate dissertation on Mr. Right gave her goosebumps, and also made her realize that she wasn't in love with Mr. Not-Rich-Enough.

Then I met Mr. Burns
I thought right away... in the first week that this was the guy I would marry. It was destined.

We talked about how we would live if we ended up together.
I told him once that if I could spend on deep tissue massage, what he spends on golf-- I'd be the happiest, most relaxed woman alive. He said that was definitely do-able.

When I put food away in his french door, stainless-steel fridge - the puny, poor layout of my own fridge seemed woefully inadequate. When we have a house, we must take that fridge with us.
When he brought flowers home to brighten his own condo (never for mine, btw) I dreamed of having a house with a garden so that I could grow my own flowers to decorate our home.

And a job for me? No. I would dabble in photography and try to make babies.

The life I imagined with him had to have more MORE M O R E.
Why?

I started to think that maybe I was wrong about Joki. That I must have been caught up in the giddiness of love - and it made me believe I could do without.

However
Now in the short time I've spent getting to know Jerry/Hugh, I've learned that together, we would have a modest life. And I love the idea.

Yes, I know I'm getting carried away thinking about an uncertain future... I daydream, I'm a girl... so sue me!

He runs his own business, which is a daily struggle to break even. He's told me that he already sees and appreciates that I'm not a materialistic girl, that I don't judge him for not owning a home or condo yet, even though I do own my own.

When I imagine a future with Jerry/Hugh, I imagine renting an apartment with a couple bedrooms and an office in mid-town. No backyard, but a park nearby - no garden but oh well. Monthly massages... I can probably forget about that. I would have to work if I could keep a job (perpetual unemployed girl here...) and maybe work my way into running a portrait business - to which he could contribute his skill-set on the business side of things.

So here I am again
Thinking that I could live on little but love.
Like the life I imagined with Joki.
But not with Mr. Burns. With Mr. Burns, I needed so much filler in my imaginary life.

I could only picture a life with him if I was getting more stuff from him. Probably because I knew I would never experience the love I needed.

Yes, I'm getting carried away thinking about possibilities ~ but the lesson from my day-dreaming is this... I really think I'd rather be poor and happy than rich and miserable. I think if you can see being happy with someone with little, you're probably on the right track.
If you think you can only be happy with someone if you have plenty - there's a message there.

My Heart is not Broken

But my ovaries are mad as hell.

I'm not sure exactly how Mr. Burns and I started spending time together again. It was in the spring, about six months after we broke up. He told me then, that he finally realized that he cared more about my well-being than for his own.

I figured that was worth a second chance.

I didn't take to it very easily. He took me out for my birthday (in June) and took to nuzzling me like giddy teenager - so excited to be with me. I wanted to enjoy that, as I had waited so long for such a display. But it made me uncomfortable, in part because I had just spent six months trying to move on from him and in part because I just didn't believe it was real.

By the time I was ready for him be crazy about me - he was past it. He was also past putting my well-being before his own.


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This weekend, he told me that he thought he had done every thing possible to try to make me happy, and that it just didn't work. (My friends are throwing down Bull Sh!t flags all over this statement)

So, my bloggy friends - the singles in particular - heed my warnings:

1) When the man you are crazy about makes no efforts to meet your parents and family - he's not invested. This should happen anywhere from 4 months to 9 months into your relationship. Not 2 1/2 years.

2) When he takes his sister from out-of-state on overnight trips - but never plans one with you (and I'm not talking about boinking - I'm just referring to a nice little trip essential for bonding) he's not invested. Again, this usually happens in the first 3-9 months of a relationship - not years!!

3) If there is always a reason that he can't join you to meet your friends, to meet your parents... even if it appears it's not his fault ... even if it's a 9 hour drive -- he's out of town on a work trip that just came up - or he just got back from said trip and it's not convenient. He is so not invested. Everyone I know in happy relationships, married or not - would just show up even if they're covered in grease or ash or cow manure or operating on two hours sleep. If he cared, he'd make it there.

Also,

4) A man who wants to win your heart will spontaneously do nice things for you. Like fix the window in your kitchen that sticks. Or install a smoke detector. Or wash your car. He will notice these things on his own and just do them. He will not ask you to make a list that he will never get to.

He does these things because your well-being means more to him than sleep, or fear of heights or the 20 minute drive between your houses.

Do not spend 3 years of your life with the guy who doesn't... thinking that he will get there eventually. He won't. Let him be someone else's heartache.

Turn your heart back over to God... and send the next man straight to God to ask for it if he wants it.

Mr. Burns and I broke up. I'm okay. I'm over it. I've already started an online dating profile. I'm only upset that my last few years of child-bearing potential have been wasted. Hence the comment from my ovaries!! My friends new boyfriend - the one who installed 5 new smoke detectors in her rented house... remarked, "TRS, you don't look like you're going to be 40!" I replied, "Thank you. Tell that to my ovaries."

In Mass on Sunday... the first four notes of a song brought me to tears. A song that to me, sums up the relationship that I want with one of God's earthly men:

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Will you let me be your servant, Let me be as Christ to you; Pray that I may have the grace to Let you be my servant, too.

We are pilgrims on a journey, We are travelers on the road; We are here to help each other. Walk the mile and bear the load.

I will hold the Christlight for you In the night-time of your fear; I will hold my hand out to you, Speak the peace you long to hear.

I will weep when you are weeping; When you laugh I'll laugh with you. I will share your joy and sorrow, Till we've seen this journey through.

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When we sing to God in heaven We shall find such harmony, Born of all we've known together Of Christ's love and agony.

Text & Tune: Richard Gillard ©1977, Scripture in Song