Sunday, January 31, 2010

My Heart is not Broken

But my ovaries are mad as hell.

I'm not sure exactly how Mr. Burns and I started spending time together again. It was in the spring, about six months after we broke up. He told me then, that he finally realized that he cared more about my well-being than for his own.

I figured that was worth a second chance.

I didn't take to it very easily. He took me out for my birthday (in June) and took to nuzzling me like giddy teenager - so excited to be with me. I wanted to enjoy that, as I had waited so long for such a display. But it made me uncomfortable, in part because I had just spent six months trying to move on from him and in part because I just didn't believe it was real.

By the time I was ready for him be crazy about me - he was past it. He was also past putting my well-being before his own.

This weekend, he told me that he thought he had done every thing possible to try to make me happy, and that it just didn't work. (My friends are throwing down Bull Sh!t flags all over this statement)

So, my bloggy friends - the singles in particular - heed my warnings:

1) When the man you are crazy about makes no efforts to meet your parents and family - he's not invested. This should happen anywhere from 4 months to 9 months into your relationship. Not 2 1/2 years.

2) When he takes his sister from out-of-state on overnight trips - but never plans one with you (and I'm not talking about boinking - I'm just referring to a nice little trip essential for bonding) he's not invested. Again, this usually happens in the first 3-9 months of a relationship - not years!!

3) If there is always a reason that he can't join you to meet your friends, to meet your parents... even if it appears it's not his fault ... even if it's a 9 hour drive -- he's out of town on a work trip that just came up - or he just got back from said trip and it's not convenient. He is so not invested. Everyone I know in happy relationships, married or not - would just show up even if they're covered in grease or ash or cow manure or operating on two hours sleep. If he cared, he'd make it there.


4) A man who wants to win your heart will spontaneously do nice things for you. Like fix the window in your kitchen that sticks. Or install a smoke detector. Or wash your car. He will notice these things on his own and just do them. He will not ask you to make a list that he will never get to.

He does these things because your well-being means more to him than sleep, or fear of heights or the 20 minute drive between your houses.

Do not spend 3 years of your life with the guy who doesn't... thinking that he will get there eventually. He won't. Let him be someone else's heartache.

Turn your heart back over to God... and send the next man straight to God to ask for it if he wants it.

Mr. Burns and I broke up. I'm okay. I'm over it. I've already started an online dating profile. I'm only upset that my last few years of child-bearing potential have been wasted. Hence the comment from my ovaries!! My friends new boyfriend - the one who installed 5 new smoke detectors in her rented house... remarked, "TRS, you don't look like you're going to be 40!" I replied, "Thank you. Tell that to my ovaries."

In Mass on Sunday... the first four notes of a song brought me to tears. A song that to me, sums up the relationship that I want with one of God's earthly men:

Will you let me be your servant, Let me be as Christ to you; Pray that I may have the grace to Let you be my servant, too.
We are pilgrims on a journey, We are travelers on the road; We are here to help each other. Walk the mile and bear the load.
I will hold the Christlight for you In the night-time of your fear; I will hold my hand out to you, Speak the peace you long to hear.
I will weep when you are weeping; When you laugh I'll laugh with you. I will share your joy and sorrow, Till we've seen this journey through.
When we sing to God in heaven We shall find such harmony, Born of all we've known together Of Christ's love and agony.
Text & Tune: Richard Gillard ©1977, Scripture in Song


Krissie said...

bummer. I hurt for your ovaries too! I was just with a friend yesterday who was telling me her sister didn't get married for the first time until she was 44.

Chin up, God is in control, even of those ovaries, and He loves you dearly. I know you know that, but sometimes, a little reminder doesn't hurt.

Rachel said...

I'm so sorry. I'm sure this 'smarts' as my brother would say.

~ifer said...

I am so sorry to hear about this. I know you don't even know me, but I will be keeping you in my prayers.

Doris said...

So well said....

--from a chronically single 40 year old. Praying God sends you that deserving man straight away.

Heidi said...

My goodness. All I can think right now is how you've strengthened my faith even though we're not of the same religion. My ovaries aren't quite as old as yours yet, but they understand the anger. Like Krissie said, God has all of this under control. His reasons are not always clear (I have a lot of questions for the resurrection!) but He does love you. Somehow, someday, things will happen, right? I'm glad you're not too upset--there is so much life to live and anger just gets in the way.

Stacey said...

Sending big hugs to you, my friend, and prayers that you will soon find a wonderful man who loves the Lord and loves you, and shows you that every day.

Elaine said...

Good for you for getting rid of Mr. Burns! He didn't sound like a man that deserves you. I agree about #4. That's what I love about my husband. He doesn't always do the things I want (hehe) but he finds things to help make my life a little more easier.

Don't worry about your ovaries. Stress isn't good for you!!

Genevra said...

TRS- I LOVE that your ovaries are mad as hell. I am mad for them too. That is truly the sucky part about all of this. Men can waste three years on a relationship and it won't hurt their chances of fathering a child much. But it sure does negatively impact us females.

The song lyrics reminds me of a lovely prayer I once read by Marianne Williamson in regard to a life help mate. I truly hope you are blessed with the relationship and man you deserve soon. You are an amazing person.

Anonymous said...

"Turn your heart back over to God... and send the next man straight to God to ask for it if he wants it."

Wow, what wisdom. And that song is so beautiful. You are a lovely person and I'm glad to know you even if it's via this blog.

BlueCastle said...

Ahhh! I am flabbergasted. What a man. Good riddance. I am so, so sorry. I pray God's blessings on you and that He brings you your husband (if it's His will) in a lovely and unexpected way.

Jinxie said...

Pretty much what everyone else said. *hugs*

Pablo said...

This is your part of the story, and according to what I ve just read, you took the right decision but I have some questions, tough questions:
Did you discuss with him about this issues?or you just waited three years to write them on your blog? because three years is a lot of time.Did you ended the relationship, or you could continue forever like this?In my opinion if you let this happen...why do you blame him?you didn t stop him.
What kind of man do you want ?where are you going to look for? is it important for you his relationship with God?
is it important to agree on certain issues before the relationship starts?
Is it important in a relationship to talk to the other person about your feelings?or you prefer to write them on your blog?
According to your post he didnt act correctly, but why did you think he was going to be different after getting married?
what do they teach you in your catholic church about relationships?
why dont you move to an evangelical church(baptist, pentcostal, etc) where the music is much better even though a little loud, and the saints are not statues without a heart?Sarah had a son when she was 90, and Abraham 99,there was a divine intervention there, there are divine interventions all the time in our lives.