Monday, February 15, 2010

Do You Believe in Love? Ooo ooo ooh ooo wee ooo

Just a strain of the old Huey Lewis & the News song was in a TV commercial yesterday - and I picked out the riff of the song.

Let's set aside the fact that songs from my teenage years are selling insurance and erectile dysfunction meds now --- cause that's not depressing.
Do You Believe in Love ~ Huey Lewis & the News
and let's further ignore that this has to be the creepiest music video - with the world's worst set design ever.

The song that was so catchy when I was crushing on boys in high school - today becomes a question. Do I believe in love?

I think I don't.

Of course I believe in the "Oh my dear sweet baby, I'd do anything to protect you my child." sort of love.
But the romantic, "Let's get married, I don't want to live without you." love - not so much.

Meeting someone and having them fall head over heels - never gonna happen.

At this point, I think love is a choice. You meet someone - you click. You agree on essentials like faith, family, the difference between right and wrong - and you think, "I could live with this person." If you both agree - that's what you do. Then love grows because you share your lives together.

That's exactly what I felt when I first met Mr. Burns. Finally, here is someone like me. Someone with the same values, same family upbringing, someone who 'got' my sense of humor (because that is a big get!) For the first time, I thought - "This could actually work." rather than - "Yeah, well - keep it movin' sonny."

Now that we broke up for the second time, I have trouble understanding why so many people can do this and I can't. I mean, there are complete morons out there - people with corrupt notions of what is right and wrong - people who really shouldn't have children - and they get married and make it work and are reasonably if not ecstatically happy.

Why can't I?
What is so intrinsically unlovable about me? What makes me so imperfect that I should be sentenced to a life alone?

Of course I know that is not the case.
I know that I am lovable. I know that I am a wonderful person, who frankly, any man should be thrilled to even imagine having by his side for the rest of his life.
But, this mortal world just isn't going to provide that.
In this mortal world, I think men don't even want to be married. I don't think they seek it.

I look at the people around me - couples everywhere - and I think they are either pretending.... or they just decided that life together is better than life apart and they did it.

How on this green earth do you get a man to just decide to do it? Mr. Burns couldn't. I always did think he was waiting for some bolt of lightning to signify that this was the 'right' one. And I don't think that's how it works. I think you gotta just go for it and then put your faith in God to make it work.

I can't figure it out. All I know is that I opened my heart and my life to this man and - nothing.

I don't think this love thing everyone is talking about is real.

Wanna tell me what you think? I'd love to know.


Maggie said...

I think the choice to love is real. Just like you said. You find someone that works and then you take a leap of faith. You put faith in your strength to work on you, faith in the other person's willingness to stick it out and faith in God that He will help the both of you beyond what you could do alone.

I think the most important and truest love (the love of God) is the real thing that everyone needs to rely on. Even when you've found someone and are working it through you can still feel awfully lonely sometimes. I geuess it's always a work in progress.

Jenni said...

There are days that I truly believe in love....and still think it will happen for me.

Then there are days when I ask the very same questions you ask here. Today (ironically, not yesterday) was one of the questioning days for me. Turning 34 in a few weeks....really had planned for my life to be different. Wondering now (still....again....) what this grand plan of God must be. Cause I know it's gotta be good for me somehow.

But that doesn't help in the lonely times, when all I really want is a hug. Someone to talk with about my day. Someone to get excited with about an upcoming trip. Someone to cry with at the injustices of the world. Someone to pray with. Someone to LOVE ME. Those are the days I'm not sure I believe in love anymore.

Andi said...

I get what you're saying. I'm wondering if it's not something in between: a dash of that romantic love with a whole wallop of the other thing you are talking about, choice?

Rachel said...

I totally get where you're coming from. And I understand. There is something to be said for not waiting to 'fall in love'.

J said...

I agree with Maggie. My husband & I made a choice to make a committment because we believed that was what God wanted for us. Both of us were people who formerly wanted to be alone and there have been many times we've wished we still were :-) It was a conscious spiritual committment. But at the same time, I call that love. I think the media and movies have really given a completely wrong view of love as being all passion and hearts and flowers. If you think about it, that kind of love is not what Christ modeled for us or what we see in scripture. God is the definition of Love and what He did was sacrafice Himself for people who actually hated Him. Where's the Huey Lewis in that?? That sounds more like a conscious choice to me.

Krissie said...

I so know where you are coming from, I have been there. I have lived there for the vast majority of my life, and Travis is changing my whole perspective on things. At the same time, I think Travis and I were both in a place where we willing and wanting to make the commitment to love, and I do think that it can be harder for guys to be there.

For the first time ever I understand this idea of not being able to live without each other - in a healthy way, cause there is definitely a codependent unhealthy way to be in that place.

I also think I may have been making choices to date somewhat emotionally unavailable guys out of some fear or idea that I wasn't worth someone doting on me, and it's been a bit of an adjustment to get used to someone who is emotionally available, and wants literally to give me the world - if he could.

At the same time, like I said, I think we are both in a place where we are willing to make the commitment, and at the same time feel like God is completely in it, and we are each what the other is looking for. So I think it's all of those things, all wrapped together.

Genevra said...

Hmm, I really wish I had something brilliant or wise or soothing to say, but I don't. I don't know why it seems that some women who are so unappreciative of the men who clearly dote on them and love have the men and women like us don't. Not to mention why people who shouldn't have kids and don't want them do. All lessons in life for us to learn through I suppose. But it sure doesn't make it hurt any less.

Thank you for writing such an honest and heart felt post. I enjoyed reading it and thinking about how I felt about the subject.

dave.heather said...

Wait for the lightning, girl. It'll come. And then there won't be any deciding about life together or life apart. Life together will be the only option...for both of you.

He's out there. And he's waiting for you, too.

I think of you often and look forward to reading the post about finding your lightning.


Pablo said...

Love is always a choice, a decision( to "fall in love" is more about feelings) to open your heart is also a decision, sometimes you are more conscious of that and , but is always a decision, the confusion in my opinion comes from the concept of love as a "feeling" instead of a decision, thats normal in teenagers but if it doesnt change is immatureness, and there is a lot of people that dont want to grow up, even though feelings are part of love they dont have to be always the same,you can´t base a relationship on feelings because they are unstable, they change, but a decision is something strong you have to keep, it depends on you. The idea of love only as a feeling it comes mostly from movies or novels, but some people is addicted to the feelings and when feelings decrease or change they think love is over, they go to look for that feeling in someone else, that seems to be immatureness. To identify the origin of your feelings you have to have a good relationship with God.Feelings sometimes can "block your view", so it is good to pay attention to that too. IMHO.

Genevra said...

Wow, I don't know who Pablo is, but I really loved the comment. It really hit home. Love is a choice and absolutely feelings can be unstable. I really enjoyed the comment.