When Jerry/Hugh and I had dinner the other night, we sat across from each other in a booth. By the time we had been talking for an hour after our meal our was finished, he started to hold my hand across the table.
It's so strange to be dating again, that I actually had to consider whether it was weird or sweet to be holding hands. I mean - I'm almost 40 for crying out loud! It seems so silly, so backwards.
I decided on sweet. Hey, that's the way it's supposed to go.
After we had been talking for FOUR hours on our date, he invited me to sit on his side of the booth when I returned from the ladies room. It wasn't long after that, he kissed me. (yes, it was lovely - despite being in a public place!)
See, I'm a girl who waits to kiss until the third date.
You know why? Because in our society - things have become so distorted that many men expect sex on the third date! I reserve kissing for the third date to let a man know that I'm not that kind of girl!
This morning, on the AM Radio Show the hosts were talking about a survey. It had asked either 1500 or 15,000 women (I'm bad with numbers so I can't remember - and I can't find the source right now) on which date in a new relationship is it okay to have sex with your date.
The majority answer was the THIRD DATE! 10% responded that it was okay on the first date if you really connected!
This is ridiculous to me! What on earth does a couple know about one another by the third date to risk having a child together?!!! Yuck. That's part of the problem that our society's contraception mentality has created. (Conversion Diary has a great explanation of the Contraceptive Mentality - scroll down to that section or read this whole post... it's amazing.)
Back to my date.
He walked me not only to the door of my building, but to my own personal door on the third floor. (it was already 2:30am! ) We talked on my sofa for a bit, and kissed a bit more. This wasn't exactly the third date so I started wonder if this was all too soon.
But we had just talked for six hours! It's not as if we hadn't gotten to know one another.
So I looked up at him and said, "Wait. Maybe we should talk some more!"
As expected, he burst out laughing.
I took the opportunity to ask, "Is this our second date? Or our first? Was our breakfast meeting a date?"
"Of course it was a date. Plus, we've spent more than 15 hours on the phone together - this is like our 4th or 5th date."
"Well then, I guess it's okay to kiss."
But I am regretting it a little bit. I think I really like him, and now that we've kissed we've raised the bar a bit. If I'm trying to save sex for marriage - (whether with Jerry/Hugh or someone else) there's not a whole lot left between kissing and sex to reserve for the slow reveal.
Plus, it doesn't take much kissing before the desire to tear off clothing kicks in.
Sigh. Been there before!
Such a slippery slope.
For the record, Italian Guy asked me if I kiss on the second date. I said no. A) because I'm a third date girl - B) I'm already kissing Jerry/Hugh and C) Italian Guy is very recently divorced with three small children and no annulment yet. Oh... and D) as a by-product of being divorced, he hasn't really dated in 19 years so I figure I should help him set reasonable expectations.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
UpDATE
I went out with Jerry/Hugh Friday night and we closed the place down!
We went out to a pub/bar for dinner at about 9:00 and when the place closed at 2:00am they kicked us out with the rest of the stragglers. 2. AM. Seriously.
We talked the entire time. My voice was raw from talking over the music blasting from the speaker directly above our booth.
Obviously we have tons to talk about - we even delved into some heavy stuff like his dad's death, and my sister's death - family - faith and lots of other stuff.
I like him.
Sunday night I had a date with the Italian Guy who I met online. This was our second date - and I wasn't very excited about it - because I already like Jerry/Hugh.
But the date was better than expected, and I like him more than I did after my first impression on our first meeting.
We went for coffee after dinner - a little independently owned shop buzzing with students on their laptops, working on homework.
As he drove me home, he initiated a conversation about whether men and women can declare someone of the same gender attractive. The general rule is that women will acknowledge another beautiful women... but that most men aren't comfortable doing so in regard to their own gender.
Italian Guy said, that yes he could say another guy is attractive - for example the guy sitting diagonal to us in the coffee shop was a good looking guy.
Yes, I agreed he was.
"I know." IG said, "I saw you checking him out."
Thank the Lord the inside of the car was dark, because I'm sure I turned five shades of red.
"I didn't check. him. out."
"Yes you did. You were even obvious about it. You up-and-downed him."
"No! I noticed that he was there. And that he was nice looking. And that he was wearing cargo shorts, which I thought was strange, considering the weather - but I wasn't giving him the up-and-down!"
He playfully argued with me... but I was squirming. I swear, I wasn't ogling. I just noticed the kid. But I'm so embarrassed - because I would be livid if I caught my date checking out a woman.
Totally. Busted.
Even though I swear I wasn't checking him out. I simply saw the young good looking guy - who happened to be sitting under a very interesting piece of art.
My face is still red.
We went out to a pub/bar for dinner at about 9:00 and when the place closed at 2:00am they kicked us out with the rest of the stragglers. 2. AM. Seriously.
We talked the entire time. My voice was raw from talking over the music blasting from the speaker directly above our booth.
Obviously we have tons to talk about - we even delved into some heavy stuff like his dad's death, and my sister's death - family - faith and lots of other stuff.
I like him.
Sunday night I had a date with the Italian Guy who I met online. This was our second date - and I wasn't very excited about it - because I already like Jerry/Hugh.
But the date was better than expected, and I like him more than I did after my first impression on our first meeting.
We went for coffee after dinner - a little independently owned shop buzzing with students on their laptops, working on homework.
As he drove me home, he initiated a conversation about whether men and women can declare someone of the same gender attractive. The general rule is that women will acknowledge another beautiful women... but that most men aren't comfortable doing so in regard to their own gender.
Italian Guy said, that yes he could say another guy is attractive - for example the guy sitting diagonal to us in the coffee shop was a good looking guy.
Yes, I agreed he was.
"I know." IG said, "I saw you checking him out."
Thank the Lord the inside of the car was dark, because I'm sure I turned five shades of red.
"I didn't check. him. out."
"Yes you did. You were even obvious about it. You up-and-downed him."
"No! I noticed that he was there. And that he was nice looking. And that he was wearing cargo shorts, which I thought was strange, considering the weather - but I wasn't giving him the up-and-down!"
He playfully argued with me... but I was squirming. I swear, I wasn't ogling. I just noticed the kid. But I'm so embarrassed - because I would be livid if I caught my date checking out a woman.
Totally. Busted.
Even though I swear I wasn't checking him out. I simply saw the young good looking guy - who happened to be sitting under a very interesting piece of art.
My face is still red.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Now What?
Oh the wondering.
When you meet someone new and even if you're fairly certain they are interested in you - there is still that bit of insecurity that he may not call.
I'm not the type to wait by the phone and wail, but hey - I'm ready to get on with things.
So last night I was talking with a friend, Mibr, telling her that Jerry/Hugh hadn't called yet, and it was already Thursday. I made plans with an online guy for Sunday. Mibr and I are thinking of seeing a movie either Friday or Saturday.
A minute after I ended the call with Mibr, Jerry/Hugh called.
We talked for four hours again!
It's ridiculous! He even said, if he'd known we would talk for that long, we should have just met up and seen each other in person!
I agreed by pointing out that my hair looked really cute last night and it was a shame to waste it!!
I do enjoy talking with him - but he keeps me up too late!
Granted, I have been in the habit of staying up that late anyway -1:00am - but I'm trying to break the habit. And when I am up that late by myself - I'm just groggy. When I'm on the phone, talking, I start to get punchy. Giggling fits. Laughing at nothing.
Then I'm embarrassed because it's uncontrollable giggling.
He said it was kind of cute - because it showed a girly side of me. I guess that's sort of sweet.
But at this point we've spent more time on the phone together than in person.
I think we should make it a goal to have our face-time outrank our phone-time.
I'll tell him tonight. We're going to try to get together if the weather cooperates.
(spring snow here... thick heavy, wet snow that makes half the drivers here panic... making it dangerous for everyone. Grr. I wish the people who moved to Colorado from snowless states could be ordered to either stay home - or learn to drive in snow. Seriously, it's no reason to panic!!)
When you meet someone new and even if you're fairly certain they are interested in you - there is still that bit of insecurity that he may not call.
I'm not the type to wait by the phone and wail, but hey - I'm ready to get on with things.
So last night I was talking with a friend, Mibr, telling her that Jerry/Hugh hadn't called yet, and it was already Thursday. I made plans with an online guy for Sunday. Mibr and I are thinking of seeing a movie either Friday or Saturday.
A minute after I ended the call with Mibr, Jerry/Hugh called.
We talked for four hours again!
It's ridiculous! He even said, if he'd known we would talk for that long, we should have just met up and seen each other in person!
I agreed by pointing out that my hair looked really cute last night and it was a shame to waste it!!
I do enjoy talking with him - but he keeps me up too late!
Granted, I have been in the habit of staying up that late anyway -1:00am - but I'm trying to break the habit. And when I am up that late by myself - I'm just groggy. When I'm on the phone, talking, I start to get punchy. Giggling fits. Laughing at nothing.
Then I'm embarrassed because it's uncontrollable giggling.
He said it was kind of cute - because it showed a girly side of me. I guess that's sort of sweet.
But at this point we've spent more time on the phone together than in person.
I think we should make it a goal to have our face-time outrank our phone-time.
I'll tell him tonight. We're going to try to get together if the weather cooperates.
(spring snow here... thick heavy, wet snow that makes half the drivers here panic... making it dangerous for everyone. Grr. I wish the people who moved to Colorado from snowless states could be ordered to either stay home - or learn to drive in snow. Seriously, it's no reason to panic!!)
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Get Noticed
It's a strange transition from being devoted to one guy for almost three years - to being totally single and looking again.
When we broke up in the interim, in the winter of 2008 - I forced myself to move on, but I didn't feel pretty. I didn't feel good enough. But darn if I wasn't putting myself out there.
Fact is, throughout my single life I have been utterly clueless about men finding me attractive or flirting with me.
I recall, when I was a reporter I was sent out to some bar to cover the debut of the XFL (Extreme Football League) The game started at 8:00pm, the location was a 40 minute drive from the TV station - and we had to have the story written and edited for the 10:00 news.
Short turnaround.
So the photographer and I had a plan: He'd shoot cover video, we'd get some random soundbites and haul our butts back downtown to the TV station.
So when some guy with a couple cans of courage in him, came up to tell me that if I interviewed him, I'd have great material to get a job with CNN - and continue to insist upon it - I was just annoyed. What a pain-in-the-arse! Can't he see I'm working?!
On our way back downtown, I vented to my photographer.
"TRS, he was flirting with you."
HE WAS?!!!
Then my photographer friend pointed out that he noticed men were flirting with me all the time - and he was amused that I never saw it!
Never did.
I guess I just never feel that desirable.
I always felt that I'm constantly putting myself out there - and never get any feedback. Always picking out guys that I'm attracted to - but sensing that they don't know that I'm there. At all.
So it's interesting that these days, I'm noticing men noticing me.
Yesterday, I ran a quick errand at the mall. Despite my better judgment I decided that I deserved a Chai Latte from TakeURBucks.
I ordered and paid, then went to stand at the end of the counter to wait for my finished drink.
There was a guy my age waiting there too, talking on his cell phone. I assessed, he was kind of cute but not fantastic. Nice eyes. The kind of guy who looks like an unmistakeably nice guy.
His drink came up and I overheard him end his phone call. "Listen, I gotta go. Call you back in a few."
He rummaged around looking for a straw for his drink... it was a yellow-green, frothy concoction. He turned to me and said, "It looks like something I would have refused to try when I was a kid."
True. We talked about it's mango, banana goodness... the finicky nature of children... and I realized - he ended his phone call just to strike up a conversation with me!
Whoa!
It didn't go anywhere - but gee - it's nice to be noticed.
I'm definitely noticing that men are looking at me differently these days.
Could it be that they can see that I know now that I deserve love, that I'm ready to find love and I'm open to meeting someone special.
Or is it just that my hair is passed my shoulders?!
When we broke up in the interim, in the winter of 2008 - I forced myself to move on, but I didn't feel pretty. I didn't feel good enough. But darn if I wasn't putting myself out there.
Fact is, throughout my single life I have been utterly clueless about men finding me attractive or flirting with me.
I recall, when I was a reporter I was sent out to some bar to cover the debut of the XFL (Extreme Football League) The game started at 8:00pm, the location was a 40 minute drive from the TV station - and we had to have the story written and edited for the 10:00 news.
Short turnaround.
So the photographer and I had a plan: He'd shoot cover video, we'd get some random soundbites and haul our butts back downtown to the TV station.
So when some guy with a couple cans of courage in him, came up to tell me that if I interviewed him, I'd have great material to get a job with CNN - and continue to insist upon it - I was just annoyed. What a pain-in-the-arse! Can't he see I'm working?!
On our way back downtown, I vented to my photographer.
"TRS, he was flirting with you."
HE WAS?!!!
Then my photographer friend pointed out that he noticed men were flirting with me all the time - and he was amused that I never saw it!
Never did.
I guess I just never feel that desirable.
I always felt that I'm constantly putting myself out there - and never get any feedback. Always picking out guys that I'm attracted to - but sensing that they don't know that I'm there. At all.
So it's interesting that these days, I'm noticing men noticing me.
Yesterday, I ran a quick errand at the mall. Despite my better judgment I decided that I deserved a Chai Latte from TakeURBucks.
I ordered and paid, then went to stand at the end of the counter to wait for my finished drink.
There was a guy my age waiting there too, talking on his cell phone. I assessed, he was kind of cute but not fantastic. Nice eyes. The kind of guy who looks like an unmistakeably nice guy.
His drink came up and I overheard him end his phone call. "Listen, I gotta go. Call you back in a few."
He rummaged around looking for a straw for his drink... it was a yellow-green, frothy concoction. He turned to me and said, "It looks like something I would have refused to try when I was a kid."
True. We talked about it's mango, banana goodness... the finicky nature of children... and I realized - he ended his phone call just to strike up a conversation with me!
Whoa!
It didn't go anywhere - but gee - it's nice to be noticed.
I'm definitely noticing that men are looking at me differently these days.
Could it be that they can see that I know now that I deserve love, that I'm ready to find love and I'm open to meeting someone special.
Or is it just that my hair is passed my shoulders?!
Saturday, March 13, 2010
In Which I Learn, He IS Cute and also In Which I Eat a Small Amount of Crow
Okay friends. He is cute!
Remember the guy my friend wanted me to meet? We met for a late breakfast today.
I arrived at the restaurant first and asked the hostess if (His Name) was already there. She didn't think so, but offered to seat me. I told her I would wait, and then confidentially told her that I was meeting him for the first time. She got all giddy, and smiled and shared that she would live vicariously through me. She was so charming!
Soon after, he arrived - and I knew who he was right away. He was cute. I felt like we looked like Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks at the end of Sleepless in Seattle when they finally meet and keep looking at each other - making the reality add up with the imagery.
So yeah, he's cute. Not in a... "Oooh he's so cute." sort of way... but he's attractive, nice looking in a ... "Yeah, I could sit across the dinner table from that face for the next 40 years." sort of way.
I spent some time mentally trying to figure what celebrity I might say he resembles ... and finally settled on a cross between Jerry Seinfeld and Hugh Grant.
I know. Odd combination, right?
For the sake of discussion, I am told that I resemble either: Annette Benning, Lauren Graham or Martina McBride.
Anyway, we met for breakfast at 10:00 and stayed at the table until 12:30!!
He's nice and funny and smart. I would definitely like to see him again.
Now for the part where I eat crow.
Remember my last post where I said the guys my age in online dating look awful - 10 years older?
So I'm working at the portrait studio yesterday, and this guy comes in for a passport photo.
He is a very good looking guy. A little bald - but I dig bald. He was really handsome. I'm guessing my age within about 3-5 years.
I checked for a bare ring finger and started to put my flirt on.
I took the passport photo which is done with a Polaroid type camera. Then the photo developed and I saw him as this one dimensional figure ... his bald head looked bigger, his face looked wider ... all in all he looked... meh.
So ladies - keep in mind, not everyone photographs well. Sometimes a picture just doesn't do justice. And let's face it, with the sorts of pictures men tend to post - there's a very good chance it's not doing anybody any justice!!
Here I stand, corrected!
Photos: all found via Google Image Search
Remember the guy my friend wanted me to meet? We met for a late breakfast today.
I arrived at the restaurant first and asked the hostess if (His Name) was already there. She didn't think so, but offered to seat me. I told her I would wait, and then confidentially told her that I was meeting him for the first time. She got all giddy, and smiled and shared that she would live vicariously through me. She was so charming!
Soon after, he arrived - and I knew who he was right away. He was cute. I felt like we looked like Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks at the end of Sleepless in Seattle when they finally meet and keep looking at each other - making the reality add up with the imagery.
So yeah, he's cute. Not in a... "Oooh he's so cute." sort of way... but he's attractive, nice looking in a ... "Yeah, I could sit across the dinner table from that face for the next 40 years." sort of way.
I spent some time mentally trying to figure what celebrity I might say he resembles ... and finally settled on a cross between Jerry Seinfeld and Hugh Grant.
I know. Odd combination, right?For the sake of discussion, I am told that I resemble either: Annette Benning, Lauren Graham or Martina McBride.
Anyway, we met for breakfast at 10:00 and stayed at the table until 12:30!!He's nice and funny and smart. I would definitely like to see him again.
Now for the part where I eat crow.
Remember my last post where I said the guys my age in online dating look awful - 10 years older?
So I'm working at the portrait studio yesterday, and this guy comes in for a passport photo.
He is a very good looking guy. A little bald - but I dig bald. He was really handsome. I'm guessing my age within about 3-5 years.
I checked for a bare ring finger and started to put my flirt on.
I took the passport photo which is done with a Polaroid type camera. Then the photo developed and I saw him as this one dimensional figure ... his bald head looked bigger, his face looked wider ... all in all he looked... meh.
So ladies - keep in mind, not everyone photographs well. Sometimes a picture just doesn't do justice. And let's face it, with the sorts of pictures men tend to post - there's a very good chance it's not doing anybody any justice!!
Here I stand, corrected!
Photos: all found via Google Image Search
Thursday, March 11, 2010
It's Ugly Out There
EDIT UPDATE - Scroll down!!
It's time for me to actually get out there and meet people.
After a break up, it's natural to hibernate a bit. I'm dipping my toe in the online dating pool, but it's pretty depressing.
I'm turning 40 this year and when I look at the available 40 year old men - I really regret having saved myself for some crusty old fart! (I know, I'm sorry!)
When I was a kid, it seemed 40 was the kiss of death for women - but nowadays - let's face it, 40+ women look fantastic. (Sandra Bullock, Kelly Ripa, Sarah Jessica Parker, Madonna, Halle Berry)
My girlfriends all look fantastic too! And it's not all about genetics, about being blessed with good looks - they work to look this good. It's called being fit. (actually, I am lucky. I don't work out much anymore, but I'm still thin - though I'm not in the shape I'd like to be. And I've always looked at least 4 years younger than my actual age.)
But men my age... yeesh - they look awful! (not all of them of course - but enough for it to be disturbing)
Never mind looks. Charm can easily outweigh looks, but these guys are clueless about pursuing a woman. There is a reason they're single.
I just gotta share this exchange with this guy.
First of all, he posts a picture that doesn't even identify his face (a no-no on dating sites). An obscured face tells me he's cheating on his wife, or otherwise on a dating site in some undercover capacity.
And the fact that the only picture he does post, is all about his physique - which is nice, don't get me wrong - but it suggests that he is only interested in the physical. To be clear, this guy isn't 40 either. They really seem to go downhill the moment they turn 40!
Proceed with caution.
Here's our exchange. It took an entire week to get this far:
It's time for me to actually get out there and meet people.
After a break up, it's natural to hibernate a bit. I'm dipping my toe in the online dating pool, but it's pretty depressing.
I'm turning 40 this year and when I look at the available 40 year old men - I really regret having saved myself for some crusty old fart! (I know, I'm sorry!)
When I was a kid, it seemed 40 was the kiss of death for women - but nowadays - let's face it, 40+ women look fantastic. (Sandra Bullock, Kelly Ripa, Sarah Jessica Parker, Madonna, Halle Berry)
My girlfriends all look fantastic too! And it's not all about genetics, about being blessed with good looks - they work to look this good. It's called being fit. (actually, I am lucky. I don't work out much anymore, but I'm still thin - though I'm not in the shape I'd like to be. And I've always looked at least 4 years younger than my actual age.)
But men my age... yeesh - they look awful! (not all of them of course - but enough for it to be disturbing)
Never mind looks. Charm can easily outweigh looks, but these guys are clueless about pursuing a woman. There is a reason they're single.
I just gotta share this exchange with this guy.
First of all, he posts a picture that doesn't even identify his face (a no-no on dating sites). An obscured face tells me he's cheating on his wife, or otherwise on a dating site in some undercover capacity.
And the fact that the only picture he does post, is all about his physique - which is nice, don't get me wrong - but it suggests that he is only interested in the physical. To be clear, this guy isn't 40 either. They really seem to go downhill the moment they turn 40!
Proceed with caution.
Here's our exchange. It took an entire week to get this far:
Him: just want to say hiI guess I've had enough of this... or maybe I'm premenstrual...
Me: (okay, that's not much to work with but I'll bite.) Hello.Him: youre a doll
Me: (Hmm, no punctuation. Sloppy.) Yes, well... You're a man of few words it seems.Him: ah, as are you i see
Me: No. I'm a woman. And I am a talker... writer... very wordy. But you haven't asked me anything.
Him: so you only talk if asked questions? what do you write about?
Me: Not so much that I only talk if asked questions... but I do expect a man do something that resembles PURSUIT. You know, show some interest. Want to know something about me. Have a desire for me to know something about you.
When a guy says nothing more than "Hi." and only shares one picture that shows more of his muscles than of his face... a woman tends to think he's not so interested in building a relationship. So I sort of need to see some effort on your part. Right now, I get the impression that I'm supposed to be impressed with your body and just get on my back.
Harsh?
Maybe.
I'll admit that I didn't put much hope in the exchange to begin with because he identifies himself as 'non-religious'. That's not a deal-breaker though, because I figure he might still be worth getting to know. That identifier doesn't tell me anything about what he does believe.
Mostly, I'm bothered that he's hiding his face and flaunting his body. Yes, I want to meet a guy in good shape - so now you may accuse me of talking out of both sides of my mouth.
But the site allows you load as many photos as you want - which allows you to show many aspects of your life.
If you choose to only post one - and it's this one - I just can't believe you have intentions toward a real relationship. I'm guessing you only want a physical relationship. And if you back it up with meager communication - I think my suspicions are confirmed.
So, it's time to start getting dressed up and going out. March Madness begins soon. I only need to round up a girlfriend and sit in a sports bar filled with real live, breathing men!
So - Mr Non-Religious Fireman responded back. I quote... verbatim: "ok. no thanks"
ha ha ha ha bwwwwwhaaa ha hah!!!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Released
I just shed tears for a Hollywood star. Someone I didn't know. Someone who hadn't crossed my mind since some silly 80s movie.
ABC News' Nightline just aired a story about former child actor Corey Haim.
He died from an apparent drug overdose - probably in the early morning hours of March 10th.
Sadly these days, we're not terribly surprised when stars fizzle out - or even snuff out their own lives. Even sadder, it's often fodder for entertainment programs and news programs to speculate on what happened, what could have happened, how it happens.
Two things impacted me in this story - which focused on what exactly is it about child stars that seems to end so tragically. One was an interjection from actor Kirk Cameron, of TV's Growing Pains. Cameron avoided the child actor curse he says, because when he was 17 years old he searched for what his life was ultimately about and then dedicated it to Christ. Now he acts in and produces movies and series that promote his faith in Christ.
As much as I admire his life's dedication, I always worry a little when he's interviewed for something like this... because I know that some viewers will dismiss him as some silly bible-thumper. But I am always proud of him for standing strong and proud.
What he said tonight (and I can't find a direct quote) made me realize that he found what many famous people just can't find because the trappings of this earthly world are far too intriguing when one has the money to obtain them.
The second thing that struck me... came at the end of the report when they noted that Haim had recently taken out an ad in Variety (the showbiz - insider rag that all directors, producers and other moguls subscribe to ) proclaiming that he was ready to work, ready to make amends.
That is what stemmed the tears. Here he was - working to clean up his life and ready to embark on whatever it takes to be productive. To do what he loves. To make up for what he had done poorly in the past. And he didn't get the chance.
It made me think... is this a life wasted? Or a life protected?
Maybe that's all the Lord needed to see. Corey Haim was ready to do it right.
Maybe that's all it takes to be released from the trappings of this earthly world.
Quite likely, the Lord relieved him of all those temptations.
"My child, you are ready. Come home. Let me show you what it really is all about. Let me relieve you of this pain."
So... to some child star I didn't know or care about (Although I did LOVE The Lost Boys!) congratulations on your homecoming. Lord knows this next life will be so much better.
photo from: http://www.coreyhaim.us/
ABC News' Nightline just aired a story about former child actor Corey Haim.
He died from an apparent drug overdose - probably in the early morning hours of March 10th.
Sadly these days, we're not terribly surprised when stars fizzle out - or even snuff out their own lives. Even sadder, it's often fodder for entertainment programs and news programs to speculate on what happened, what could have happened, how it happens.
Two things impacted me in this story - which focused on what exactly is it about child stars that seems to end so tragically. One was an interjection from actor Kirk Cameron, of TV's Growing Pains. Cameron avoided the child actor curse he says, because when he was 17 years old he searched for what his life was ultimately about and then dedicated it to Christ. Now he acts in and produces movies and series that promote his faith in Christ.
As much as I admire his life's dedication, I always worry a little when he's interviewed for something like this... because I know that some viewers will dismiss him as some silly bible-thumper. But I am always proud of him for standing strong and proud.
What he said tonight (and I can't find a direct quote) made me realize that he found what many famous people just can't find because the trappings of this earthly world are far too intriguing when one has the money to obtain them.
The second thing that struck me... came at the end of the report when they noted that Haim had recently taken out an ad in Variety (the showbiz - insider rag that all directors, producers and other moguls subscribe to ) proclaiming that he was ready to work, ready to make amends.
That is what stemmed the tears. Here he was - working to clean up his life and ready to embark on whatever it takes to be productive. To do what he loves. To make up for what he had done poorly in the past. And he didn't get the chance.
It made me think... is this a life wasted? Or a life protected?
Maybe that's all the Lord needed to see. Corey Haim was ready to do it right.
Maybe that's all it takes to be released from the trappings of this earthly world.
Quite likely, the Lord relieved him of all those temptations.
"My child, you are ready. Come home. Let me show you what it really is all about. Let me relieve you of this pain."
So... to some child star I didn't know or care about (Although I did LOVE The Lost Boys!) congratulations on your homecoming. Lord knows this next life will be so much better.
photo from: http://www.coreyhaim.us/
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Loss of Sanity
Sometimes I think that when women get married... even if they were single well into their 30s, they lose all sense of reality!
I told you about a friend who wants to introduce me to a guy. She's busy working, painting and renovating a house with her husband and doesn't have time to plan an evening any time soon to introduce us.
When I saw her at a baby shower, she asked me if the guy had called me.
No, he had not.
"I talked to him three times, and told him to call you." she assured me.
Before I could respond, we were distracted by party activities but I wanted to say, "Have you lost your good sense woman?! He's not going to call me out of the blue just because you gave him my number. Nobody does that! I certainly don't blame him. You're going to have to bring him to a church fish fry or something, to introduce us."
Really?
You get married and suddenly this seems like how single people behave?
I'm seriously concerned about her sanity.
Guess what?
He called me last night.
Out of the blue - just because she gave him my number and told him to call.
He even apologized for not calling sooner. When I told him that I didn't have an expectation for him to call - based on the situation - he was stunned. Impressed. Shocked that I wasn't a woman with strange expectations.
"That's so cool." he said.
And we talked. for. four. hours.
When my friend told me that she known him for 12 years, and the only person she could ever think of to introduce him to was me... and she's been waiting three years to do so - I had to think that there's a good chance it's a good match.
Talking to him - even after one hour - it was clear that we not only have a lot in common but really click.
Interesting.
I just hope he's cute.
I told you about a friend who wants to introduce me to a guy. She's busy working, painting and renovating a house with her husband and doesn't have time to plan an evening any time soon to introduce us.
When I saw her at a baby shower, she asked me if the guy had called me.
No, he had not.
"I talked to him three times, and told him to call you." she assured me.
Before I could respond, we were distracted by party activities but I wanted to say, "Have you lost your good sense woman?! He's not going to call me out of the blue just because you gave him my number. Nobody does that! I certainly don't blame him. You're going to have to bring him to a church fish fry or something, to introduce us."
Really?
You get married and suddenly this seems like how single people behave?
I'm seriously concerned about her sanity.
Guess what?
He called me last night.
Out of the blue - just because she gave him my number and told him to call.
He even apologized for not calling sooner. When I told him that I didn't have an expectation for him to call - based on the situation - he was stunned. Impressed. Shocked that I wasn't a woman with strange expectations.
"That's so cool." he said.
And we talked. for. four. hours.
When my friend told me that she known him for 12 years, and the only person she could ever think of to introduce him to was me... and she's been waiting three years to do so - I had to think that there's a good chance it's a good match.
Talking to him - even after one hour - it was clear that we not only have a lot in common but really click.
Interesting.
I just hope he's cute.
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
Proximity
My friends that are closest to me... actually live the furthest away.
I miss out on a lot.
I dream about being my friend's next door neighbor. Or at least being in the same city so that we could meet for coffee (ahem... Chai Latte) and catch up. Instead, we have one hour or three hour phone conversations.
Long distance friendships work differently. But the same in their own sweet way.
I call Kaha when I'm doing dishes and cleaning the house. We talk while I make my bed and put away laundry. When Kikr calls, I can't do anything but sit and talk. I've never figured out why.
When Kaha was shopping for her wedding gown, she called me as she emailed photos of herself in the top two contenders. The first one wasn't quite right, and I wondered how to tell her. Then I opened the second jpg and smiled... "Oh my! That's the one... you're a bride!! It's perfect!"
Kaha then Kikr
A year later, Kikr did the same thing... she was settled on one dress and sent me a photo. I'll never forget opening the jpg and being overwhelmed with tears and emotion. "You're beautiful! That's the dress you're getting married in!!"
Sometimes I feel that my friendships suffer because of the distance.
Then there are days that I know we are just as close - states away - as we would be if we were on the same block.
Kikr and I wear the same size - and when either of us need to update our closets, the other gets a box of clothes in the mail! Recently we realized that we're even gaining weight and changing sizes at the same rate. Now that's a true friend!
Last night, Kikr called to chat. I told her about meeting one of my online dating prospects.
She told me about the meatloaf she was making. Her hubby was at bible study, so she had all evening to talk. We discussed again, my fear of never finding the right guy and my approaching 40th birthday, the impending end of my reproductive cycle.
She understands, because she's the same age and even though she and her hubby have been married for two years, regular practice is proving futile.
Apparently she was waiting for an opening... "Okay. I'm going to do this now. I have to go pee on a stick. I'll be right back."
She was back and our conversation resumed, as if there were no interruption. "Don't you love how I have a supply of these sticks under the sink? Every month, pee on a stick."
I felt her frustration. Understood completely.
We were dissecting the intrinsic value of the guy I met for lunch when she said, her voice belying her disbelief... "The stick says, 'pregnant'."
Suddenly I was bouncing around my living room, squealing! As I crossed before the mirror on the dining room wall, I was surprised by my bright red face.
"Oh honey, you finally found a stick that works!"
Every week we share the mundane, day-to-day stuff in our conversations.
This time, I was honored to be the person she leaned on for support - and to learn with her that her life is about to change!
I'm usually not the first to know anything, so to be right there with her was amazing for me.
Totally made up for my other friend, who when we actually lived in the same city went shopping for her wedding dress without me - I didn't even see it until her wedding day. As the Supreme Shopping Goddess in all my relationships, that one really hurt!
I'm convinced, the closeness that maintains friendships has nothing to do with proximity!
I miss out on a lot.
I dream about being my friend's next door neighbor. Or at least being in the same city so that we could meet for coffee (ahem... Chai Latte) and catch up. Instead, we have one hour or three hour phone conversations.
Long distance friendships work differently. But the same in their own sweet way.
I call Kaha when I'm doing dishes and cleaning the house. We talk while I make my bed and put away laundry. When Kikr calls, I can't do anything but sit and talk. I've never figured out why.
When Kaha was shopping for her wedding gown, she called me as she emailed photos of herself in the top two contenders. The first one wasn't quite right, and I wondered how to tell her. Then I opened the second jpg and smiled... "Oh my! That's the one... you're a bride!! It's perfect!"
Kaha then KikrA year later, Kikr did the same thing... she was settled on one dress and sent me a photo. I'll never forget opening the jpg and being overwhelmed with tears and emotion. "You're beautiful! That's the dress you're getting married in!!"
Sometimes I feel that my friendships suffer because of the distance.
Then there are days that I know we are just as close - states away - as we would be if we were on the same block.
Kikr and I wear the same size - and when either of us need to update our closets, the other gets a box of clothes in the mail! Recently we realized that we're even gaining weight and changing sizes at the same rate. Now that's a true friend!
Last night, Kikr called to chat. I told her about meeting one of my online dating prospects.
She told me about the meatloaf she was making. Her hubby was at bible study, so she had all evening to talk. We discussed again, my fear of never finding the right guy and my approaching 40th birthday, the impending end of my reproductive cycle.
She understands, because she's the same age and even though she and her hubby have been married for two years, regular practice is proving futile.
Apparently she was waiting for an opening... "Okay. I'm going to do this now. I have to go pee on a stick. I'll be right back."
She was back and our conversation resumed, as if there were no interruption. "Don't you love how I have a supply of these sticks under the sink? Every month, pee on a stick."
I felt her frustration. Understood completely.
We were dissecting the intrinsic value of the guy I met for lunch when she said, her voice belying her disbelief... "The stick says, 'pregnant'."
Suddenly I was bouncing around my living room, squealing! As I crossed before the mirror on the dining room wall, I was surprised by my bright red face.
"Oh honey, you finally found a stick that works!"
Every week we share the mundane, day-to-day stuff in our conversations.
This time, I was honored to be the person she leaned on for support - and to learn with her that her life is about to change!
I'm usually not the first to know anything, so to be right there with her was amazing for me.
Totally made up for my other friend, who when we actually lived in the same city went shopping for her wedding dress without me - I didn't even see it until her wedding day. As the Supreme Shopping Goddess in all my relationships, that one really hurt!
I'm convinced, the closeness that maintains friendships has nothing to do with proximity!
Monday, March 01, 2010
Sucker Punch from an Angel
I guess you could say my weekend was rather exciting. Not in a good way.
Do you have one of those friends that won't let you say no to an invitation? Even being unemployed and claiming lack of funds as a legitimate excuse doesn't get you out of her "Oh, come oonnnnn! It'll be fun!" tirade. Actually, she drops the pressure on most invitations these days, but there is always one she has to get spun up over.
This time it was the annual Dim Sum lunch with which we celebrate a fringe friends' birthday. I went last year and it was pretty affordable so I figured this could be the invitation to acquiesce on. However, there are a lot of seafood dishes in Dim Sum so I would have to be high alert. (I am severely allergic to all fish and seafood).
If you've never been to Dim Sum - it's at an Asian restaurant, and when they serve Dim Sum they just bring out little dishes of all sorts and you share everything with your table. There are no menus. (sometimes there is a visual guide - but not the sort of menu where you would be able to determine what is actually IN the food item.)
The waitresses hold up a dish and say, "Yoo wan dumpling?" Yoo wan eggroll?"
They must hate me there, because I have to quiz them. "What is in it?"
and the answer is, "Bee", "Poor" beef, pork or "Shii" which I guess is shrimp.
You can imagine, when you're trying to determine if the food they're putting in front of you might kill you... it's really frustrating to hear broken English!!
So I determine a fairly innocuous dumpling. When I inquired of the waitress, she said it was Bee. It was tasty. So tasty that my radar went up - that was more than beef.
Three minutes later my throat felt tight. Then I heard someone else at the table point to the plate of dumplings and describe it as beef and shrimp.
My throat got tighter.
Ladies and gentlemen... I have to go.
I planned to drive to the closest drug store, but I was in an unfamiliar part of town and didn't see one. I figured it would be just as quick to go straight home where I had plenty of Benadryl. I changed lanes to head home... and at that moment spotted a W@lgreens - so the spirit moved my car back over three lanes to get into their parking lot.
I made a beeline to the pharmacy where I found a package of sweet pink relief (benadryl) and went to the counter to open the box and peel back the safety lining.
My throat was tighter now than in any of my prior worst reactions.
I quickly informed the pharmacy tech that I accidentally ate shrimp.
The pharmacist overheard and commanded, "Take two of those right now. You'll ring it up later."
A glass of water appeared.
The pharmacist asked if I had an Epi-pen or a prescription.
Not on me, and the prescription is with another pharmacy.
I got out my cell phone and found my allergy doctor's number, hoping they had Saturday hours.
The answering machine gave an emergency number which I relayed, through tears and gasping to the pharmacist who was writing everything on a pad.
I don't even know when I started crying. I think your body just takes over when it is in danger. I wouldn't have been able to control it if I wanted to.
So here's the beautiful thing. This pharmacist seemed to understand that. He didn't try to tell me to calm down. Even when the phone number I relayed to him came up a digit short, he seemed to understand that I couldn't think clearly under this physical stress.
I redialed the doc's office and handed him my cell phone to hear the number for himself.
He handed me a box of Kleenex and a small waste can (to spit in - when the benadryl starts to work - one of the results is a lot of saliva - I think it's one more way for the body to get the bad stuff out.) and told me to sit down.
I was sobbing by now, because my breathing was restricted. It took me a few minutes to realize that he was talking to my doctor and arranging for the prescription himself.
I started to develop a Hero Crush!
It seemed like forever, but he finally came out to the chairs and asked if I wanted to shoot myself or if I wanted him to do it.
"You're going to have to do it. I know I can't."
He knelt down in front of me and told me that he needed me to close my eyes and count to ten.
I turned my head, closed my eyes and before I even got to one... "Aaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh! agh.. agh!" I heard my own scream and it was awful! I heard the sound travel to the walls at the front of the store. I imagined people's heads turning in shock and fear.
I opened my eyes and the pharmacist was holding the epi-pen into my thigh. It hurt so bad I wanted him to take the needle away, but I saw the look of determination on his face - and he must have seen the agony in mine so he explained that he had to hold it for ten seconds.
The epinephrine (adrenaline) coursed through my body. In a matter of minutes maybe seconds, I could breathe. My body shook.
I called a friend to come get me. The doctor had ordered me to go to the closest emergency room - but I told him that I was unemployed, and couldn't afford an ER bill. Would an urgent care be sufficient? Dr reluctantly agreed. (He had to advise me to the ER for liability reasons. But I knew I couldn't afford the $1500 bill just to sit in a bed and have a nurse check on me every 90 minutes.)
By the time my friend Mime and her boyfriend arrived - I was back to normal. Accept for my leg. Mr. Pharmacist had slammed that pen into my leg so hard, my muscle was bruised. I couldn't bend my leg - so my friend's boyfriend would have to drive my car.
Mr. Pharmacist sat next to me and gave my friends the lowdown, while patting my other leg and saying he was sorry he hurt me.
Hero Crush continued!
He took great pleasure in telling my friends about my "blood-curdling scream" and describing that once I finished screaming, a smile spread across my face and I said, "I'm okay. I'm just a screamer."
(I vaguely remember that... I think I smiled because I was embarrassed by my scream - and it's true, I am much louder than I need to be.)
So my friends took me home. A piggyback ride up three flights of stairs because I couldn't bend my knee. Then Mime's boyfriend went to pick up Thai food for me. I took a course of two benadryl every four hours for the rest of the day and obviously missed work because I passed out every 40 minutes from the benadryl.
I am very grateful for my friends - and for this pharmacist who treated me like a real live person with feelings. I'm writing the company to tell them just how great this pharmacist is, and that he treated me with genuine care and concern - even as he was getting a little behind in filling other prescriptions.
An angel in a white coat - and some really ugly tennis shoes.
photo from:touringmalaysia.files.wordpress.com/2008
Do you have one of those friends that won't let you say no to an invitation? Even being unemployed and claiming lack of funds as a legitimate excuse doesn't get you out of her "Oh, come oonnnnn! It'll be fun!" tirade. Actually, she drops the pressure on most invitations these days, but there is always one she has to get spun up over.
This time it was the annual Dim Sum lunch with which we celebrate a fringe friends' birthday. I went last year and it was pretty affordable so I figured this could be the invitation to acquiesce on. However, there are a lot of seafood dishes in Dim Sum so I would have to be high alert. (I am severely allergic to all fish and seafood).
If you've never been to Dim Sum - it's at an Asian restaurant, and when they serve Dim Sum they just bring out little dishes of all sorts and you share everything with your table. There are no menus. (sometimes there is a visual guide - but not the sort of menu where you would be able to determine what is actually IN the food item.)
The waitresses hold up a dish and say, "Yoo wan dumpling?" Yoo wan eggroll?"
They must hate me there, because I have to quiz them. "What is in it?"
and the answer is, "Bee", "Poor" beef, pork or "Shii" which I guess is shrimp.
You can imagine, when you're trying to determine if the food they're putting in front of you might kill you... it's really frustrating to hear broken English!!
So I determine a fairly innocuous dumpling. When I inquired of the waitress, she said it was Bee. It was tasty. So tasty that my radar went up - that was more than beef.
Three minutes later my throat felt tight. Then I heard someone else at the table point to the plate of dumplings and describe it as beef and shrimp.
My throat got tighter.
Ladies and gentlemen... I have to go.
I planned to drive to the closest drug store, but I was in an unfamiliar part of town and didn't see one. I figured it would be just as quick to go straight home where I had plenty of Benadryl. I changed lanes to head home... and at that moment spotted a W@lgreens - so the spirit moved my car back over three lanes to get into their parking lot.
I made a beeline to the pharmacy where I found a package of sweet pink relief (benadryl) and went to the counter to open the box and peel back the safety lining.
My throat was tighter now than in any of my prior worst reactions.
I quickly informed the pharmacy tech that I accidentally ate shrimp.
The pharmacist overheard and commanded, "Take two of those right now. You'll ring it up later."
A glass of water appeared.
The pharmacist asked if I had an Epi-pen or a prescription.
Not on me, and the prescription is with another pharmacy.
I got out my cell phone and found my allergy doctor's number, hoping they had Saturday hours.
The answering machine gave an emergency number which I relayed, through tears and gasping to the pharmacist who was writing everything on a pad.
I don't even know when I started crying. I think your body just takes over when it is in danger. I wouldn't have been able to control it if I wanted to.
So here's the beautiful thing. This pharmacist seemed to understand that. He didn't try to tell me to calm down. Even when the phone number I relayed to him came up a digit short, he seemed to understand that I couldn't think clearly under this physical stress.
I redialed the doc's office and handed him my cell phone to hear the number for himself.
He handed me a box of Kleenex and a small waste can (to spit in - when the benadryl starts to work - one of the results is a lot of saliva - I think it's one more way for the body to get the bad stuff out.) and told me to sit down.
I was sobbing by now, because my breathing was restricted. It took me a few minutes to realize that he was talking to my doctor and arranging for the prescription himself.
I started to develop a Hero Crush!
It seemed like forever, but he finally came out to the chairs and asked if I wanted to shoot myself or if I wanted him to do it.
"You're going to have to do it. I know I can't."
He knelt down in front of me and told me that he needed me to close my eyes and count to ten.
I turned my head, closed my eyes and before I even got to one... "Aaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh! agh.. agh!" I heard my own scream and it was awful! I heard the sound travel to the walls at the front of the store. I imagined people's heads turning in shock and fear.
I opened my eyes and the pharmacist was holding the epi-pen into my thigh. It hurt so bad I wanted him to take the needle away, but I saw the look of determination on his face - and he must have seen the agony in mine so he explained that he had to hold it for ten seconds.
The epinephrine (adrenaline) coursed through my body. In a matter of minutes maybe seconds, I could breathe. My body shook.
I called a friend to come get me. The doctor had ordered me to go to the closest emergency room - but I told him that I was unemployed, and couldn't afford an ER bill. Would an urgent care be sufficient? Dr reluctantly agreed. (He had to advise me to the ER for liability reasons. But I knew I couldn't afford the $1500 bill just to sit in a bed and have a nurse check on me every 90 minutes.)
By the time my friend Mime and her boyfriend arrived - I was back to normal. Accept for my leg. Mr. Pharmacist had slammed that pen into my leg so hard, my muscle was bruised. I couldn't bend my leg - so my friend's boyfriend would have to drive my car.
Mr. Pharmacist sat next to me and gave my friends the lowdown, while patting my other leg and saying he was sorry he hurt me.
Hero Crush continued!
He took great pleasure in telling my friends about my "blood-curdling scream" and describing that once I finished screaming, a smile spread across my face and I said, "I'm okay. I'm just a screamer."
(I vaguely remember that... I think I smiled because I was embarrassed by my scream - and it's true, I am much louder than I need to be.)
So my friends took me home. A piggyback ride up three flights of stairs because I couldn't bend my knee. Then Mime's boyfriend went to pick up Thai food for me. I took a course of two benadryl every four hours for the rest of the day and obviously missed work because I passed out every 40 minutes from the benadryl.
I am very grateful for my friends - and for this pharmacist who treated me like a real live person with feelings. I'm writing the company to tell them just how great this pharmacist is, and that he treated me with genuine care and concern - even as he was getting a little behind in filling other prescriptions.
An angel in a white coat - and some really ugly tennis shoes.
photo from:touringmalaysia.files.wordpress.com/
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Perfection
Our society has us struggling to be perfect while other societies simply struggle for food and shelter. We have so much, that we can pick and choose what is and isn't perfect - and discard the rest.
Surfing around the bloggy world, we encounter women struggling for the perfect home, -either via decor or via the provisions of freshly baked muffins- to be the perfect mom, to have the perfect outfit or perfect body.
Is this what we are meant to seek?
When I was a small girl, I recall asking my mom about heaven. I think it was shortly after my Grandpa died. He'd been in wheelchair at least as long as I had been alive.
Mom told me, "When you get to heaven you will be perfect. No one has any flaws, no sickness or disease in Heaven."
She was trying to tell me that Grandpa wouldn't be 'crippled' in heaven (we used that word back then.) But my young mind didn't quite get it. My thoughts wrestled with the idea and I wondered if heaven wouldn't be a bit boring if everyone looked like Cheryl Tiegs and Tom Selleck. How would I even find my grandpa in a crowd of Cheryls and Toms?
Because even then, as a seven year old - I knew what the earthly world I lived in, held as perfection and those two beautiful stars represented it!
Lately, I've been beating myself up over my appearance. My friend sent me pictures he took of us just before Valentine's day - we went to a charity dance and I wore my favorite little black dress. A dress that I trust to look fantastic on me.
In the pictures though, it is obvious that I have lost the majority of any of the muscle tone I once had. The beautiful dress is just hanging off of me. I am ashamed that I have let God's gift of my body waste away. In my younger years, I photographed beautifully because I was strong and firm. These days even my face is suffering the effects of gravity. Must get back in shape!
I have also allowed a stranger to confirm my worst fears, if only for a minute or two.
I signed up on a free dating website this weekend and started searching for Catholic men. I am encouraged to say that I found more than I expected! I sent a quick e-mail to one very cute Catholic guy who listed sleep as one of his 'interests'. I thought it was really funny and titled my e-mail with, "man after my own heart!" thinking he might be amused.
When I went back to check correspondence, I saw that he had deleted my email unread. My first thought was, "RUDE". Then I reasoned that he checked my profile before reading the email and decided that I wasn't pretty.
Fortunately, God intervened in my pity party and told me - "Good riddance."
Indeed. Who wants to spend time with a man who doesn't even care what I have to say?
God doesn't ask us to be perfect. Only that we seek perfection.
And that doesn't mean a hot body, or hot muffins in the kitchen. He wants us to seek Him - and to strive to be like Him.
I want to get back into shape, to look better - Yes. I'm scouting for men again, and if I get to wear a wedding dress some day, I want to look good. But I'm going to focus on doing what I can with this body God gave me - to glorify Him!!
A couple years ago, my bible study class went over Genesis and the story of Creation. Through our discussion I realized that our goal is to reach the utopia that wasEden
Here on Earth it easy to think that nothing is enough. Because it isn't. We are too far from God to be whole. Not being enough right now is nothing to be discouraged about.
Surfing around the bloggy world, we encounter women struggling for the perfect home, -either via decor or via the provisions of freshly baked muffins- to be the perfect mom, to have the perfect outfit or perfect body.
Is this what we are meant to seek?
When I was a small girl, I recall asking my mom about heaven. I think it was shortly after my Grandpa died. He'd been in wheelchair at least as long as I had been alive.
Mom told me, "When you get to heaven you will be perfect. No one has any flaws, no sickness or disease in Heaven."
She was trying to tell me that Grandpa wouldn't be 'crippled' in heaven (we used that word back then.) But my young mind didn't quite get it. My thoughts wrestled with the idea and I wondered if heaven wouldn't be a bit boring if everyone looked like Cheryl Tiegs and Tom Selleck. How would I even find my grandpa in a crowd of Cheryls and Toms?
Because even then, as a seven year old - I knew what the earthly world I lived in, held as perfection and those two beautiful stars represented it!
This is one of my favorite photos of myself. Taken back when I really loved my thin, muscular little body - and immersed in God's glorious creation! Yes, it's dark due to back-lighting but I can still see the deep rocky canyon and the rushing waterfall in my mind's eye. (September 1999)
Lately, I've been beating myself up over my appearance. My friend sent me pictures he took of us just before Valentine's day - we went to a charity dance and I wore my favorite little black dress. A dress that I trust to look fantastic on me.
In the pictures though, it is obvious that I have lost the majority of any of the muscle tone I once had. The beautiful dress is just hanging off of me. I am ashamed that I have let God's gift of my body waste away. In my younger years, I photographed beautifully because I was strong and firm. These days even my face is suffering the effects of gravity. Must get back in shape!
I have also allowed a stranger to confirm my worst fears, if only for a minute or two.
I signed up on a free dating website this weekend and started searching for Catholic men. I am encouraged to say that I found more than I expected! I sent a quick e-mail to one very cute Catholic guy who listed sleep as one of his 'interests'. I thought it was really funny and titled my e-mail with, "man after my own heart!" thinking he might be amused.
When I went back to check correspondence, I saw that he had deleted my email unread. My first thought was, "RUDE". Then I reasoned that he checked my profile before reading the email and decided that I wasn't pretty.
Fortunately, God intervened in my pity party and told me - "Good riddance."
Indeed. Who wants to spend time with a man who doesn't even care what I have to say?
God doesn't ask us to be perfect. Only that we seek perfection.
And that doesn't mean a hot body, or hot muffins in the kitchen. He wants us to seek Him - and to strive to be like Him.
I want to get back into shape, to look better - Yes. I'm scouting for men again, and if I get to wear a wedding dress some day, I want to look good. But I'm going to focus on doing what I can with this body God gave me - to glorify Him!!
A couple years ago, my bible study class went over Genesis and the story of Creation. Through our discussion I realized that our goal is to reach the utopia that was
Here on Earth it easy to think that nothing is enough. Because it isn't. We are too far from God to be whole. Not being enough right now is nothing to be discouraged about.
Perfection in Heaven doesn’t mean that we will all turn into Claudia Schiffer.
What a beautiful realization to understand that when you and I reach perfection – we’ll look just like you and just like TRS – the difference is, it will be enough!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
The Cheese Stands Alone
Just before Thanksgiving Mr. Burns and I discussed looking at rings.
We also discussed the inevitable merging of households if the whole ring thing stuck.
He wanted to keep his condo for a few more years, so that it might appreciate enough for us to have a better down payment on a house later on. Deep down I knew that was a smart plan, but I didn't like the idea of moving into his place instead of a new to us our place. (that's one reason he splurged on the new elfa closet system.)
Mainly, I didn't like the idea of living that far away from downtown.
I'm a downtown girl. My friends are downtown. When friends move to the suburbs, they have babies and disappear.
That's what bothered me most. I didn't want to disappear. I didn't want to be the type of married person who loses touch with my single friends. I shared this concern with a married friend of mine - who assured me it would happen. Even though it's just a 20 minute drive - no one would bother to make it. I would make new friends.
The crux is I don't want to abandon my old friends.
I hate it when someone you have been close to for years - gets married - has babies and then decides they don't have time for you - the single person - anymore.
I vow that if I ever get married, I will not neglect single people. I intend to invite them over for movie night or for meals. If I would blessed to have children, I want my single friends to be their Aunts and Uncles. I want all my friends to continue to be a part of my life - no matter their circumstances.
But maybe it's just not supposed to be that way. Maybe as people grow and move onto new stages of life - they're supposed to leave the past behind. Maybe. Because after all, the only people hurting in such a scenario are the single people.
My concern was proven when Mr. Burns and I broke up last month. It happened on a Friday night. As soon as he left my house, I texted one of my single girlfriends to see if she was working or not. She saw the urgency in my text, called me, asked what was wrong and came right over to console me.
The next morning, I wanted to share the news with my other friends. Voice mail. Five voice mails in a row. My other close friends are married and have kids - it was Saturday morning so it was family time. In a time of need - they weren't available. Not that I begrudge them time with their families. I was ALONE.
The first person to call me back was a single guy friend. Then my dear friend Kikr - who, while blissfully married, doesn't have kids - and knew that if I called at that hour (before 9am on a Saturday in her time zone) something was up.
Now, I do understand that the world doesn't have to be immediately available to me.
All I'm saying is - it made being alone sting all the more, because I'm the only one. I'm nobody's priority. I have missed the boat. I forgot to get married and have children. I waited too long. The world is justified in being indifferent to me.
The cheese stands alone.
FYI ~ my concerns about merging households was NOT the reason we broke up. Just want to clarify before someone decides to jump on me about that.
We also discussed the inevitable merging of households if the whole ring thing stuck.
He wanted to keep his condo for a few more years, so that it might appreciate enough for us to have a better down payment on a house later on. Deep down I knew that was a smart plan, but I didn't like the idea of moving into his place instead of a new to us our place. (that's one reason he splurged on the new elfa closet system.)
Mainly, I didn't like the idea of living that far away from downtown.
I'm a downtown girl. My friends are downtown. When friends move to the suburbs, they have babies and disappear.
That's what bothered me most. I didn't want to disappear. I didn't want to be the type of married person who loses touch with my single friends. I shared this concern with a married friend of mine - who assured me it would happen. Even though it's just a 20 minute drive - no one would bother to make it. I would make new friends.
The crux is I don't want to abandon my old friends.
I hate it when someone you have been close to for years - gets married - has babies and then decides they don't have time for you - the single person - anymore.
I vow that if I ever get married, I will not neglect single people. I intend to invite them over for movie night or for meals. If I would blessed to have children, I want my single friends to be their Aunts and Uncles. I want all my friends to continue to be a part of my life - no matter their circumstances.
But maybe it's just not supposed to be that way. Maybe as people grow and move onto new stages of life - they're supposed to leave the past behind. Maybe. Because after all, the only people hurting in such a scenario are the single people.
My concern was proven when Mr. Burns and I broke up last month. It happened on a Friday night. As soon as he left my house, I texted one of my single girlfriends to see if she was working or not. She saw the urgency in my text, called me, asked what was wrong and came right over to console me.
The next morning, I wanted to share the news with my other friends. Voice mail. Five voice mails in a row. My other close friends are married and have kids - it was Saturday morning so it was family time. In a time of need - they weren't available. Not that I begrudge them time with their families. I was ALONE.
The first person to call me back was a single guy friend. Then my dear friend Kikr - who, while blissfully married, doesn't have kids - and knew that if I called at that hour (before 9am on a Saturday in her time zone) something was up.
Now, I do understand that the world doesn't have to be immediately available to me.
All I'm saying is - it made being alone sting all the more, because I'm the only one. I'm nobody's priority. I have missed the boat. I forgot to get married and have children. I waited too long. The world is justified in being indifferent to me.
The cheese stands alone.
FYI ~ my concerns about merging households was NOT the reason we broke up. Just want to clarify before someone decides to jump on me about that.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Mustard Seed
Did you know that I found my soul mate?
Relax, that's not news. I've known her for almost ten years, and two years ago she married the most wonderful man who is so, SO good for her. I want to move to San Francisco and be their next door neighbor!
But the reason I bring it up - is because I want to tell you a little story she relayed to me today. (Bear with me - this story is scattered all over the place!)
For Valentine's day, Kikr's husband gave her a lovely little necklace. It's a circle of glass surrounded by silver and inside, it holds a mustard seed.
Some of you read that description and already have an idea what it symbolizes, and have probably left to search for a similar necklace for yourself! That's okay. I'll wait.
Okay, back? Let's move on.
Kikr visited her doctor today - it was only the second visit with this doctor but she really likes her. If you've ever found a doctor or any other health professional that just puts you at ease and seems to connect with you - you'll understand how happy she is to have found this doc.
She feels that this doctor understands her, they relate well. They're simpatico.
Then as doctor was examining my friend, Kikr's necklace caught her eye. Finally when she went to listen to her heart doc asked, "What is that?"
Kikr told her it was a mustard seed.
"A mustard seed? Why?!"
"It's a symbol of faith. It's a reminder that even the tiniest bit of faith can achieve great results." Luke 17:5-6, Matthew 17:20
"Oh."
Kikr says she felt in that instant that their connection was gone.
She felt that the doctor immediately changed her view of Kikr - suddenly Kikr was one of 'those' people.
"And you know what?" Kikr asked me, "It only happens to Christians. If you're a Buddhist, the response is, 'Oh that's great. You're so enlightened.' If your Jewish, that's cool. But if you are Christian, you're one of 'those' people. I am so tired of it."
I agree with my friend's observation.
I think that is a chief factor in politics right now... if you identify as a Christian you are lumped into a category that describes you as closed-minded, ignorant, and uneducated. Apparently educated people can only think the same way.
I'll even say it doesn't work the other way around. If we meet someone who is of a different faith, or of no faith - we respond with "Okay. I'd still like to understand you. I will walk with you."
Or do we?
I feel that I do. I have a friend who is an atheist, and while I don't agree with him - I embrace him. With him I have some of the most wonderful discussions about faith.
Maybe not all Christians behave the way my friend and I do. (now, I'm not saying we're superior.) Maybe others have encountered Christians who immediately tell them they are wrong to have no faith, or wrong for not believing in Christ. Maybe they tell them they are destined for hell.
I personally don't know any Christians like that, but maybe they are out there. And if they are - well - they are bad PR!
I will admit that will point out wrong.
My atheist friend who is the midst of a divorce, told me he had reconnected with his high school sweetheart - and that they were having an affair. She's still married (and his divorce isn't final) They both have children.
I was not shy about telling him that what he was doing was wrong. He didn't like to hear it, but he heard me out. And I could only tell him what I thought, and how strongly I believed it - because I am his friend. If I had dismissed him when I met him - told him he was sinner right then - he would not have stood for my lecture!
He's given up the affair - and we are still friends.
How do you present as a Christian? Do you feel tagged by some people, or always embraced?
Relax, that's not news. I've known her for almost ten years, and two years ago she married the most wonderful man who is so, SO good for her. I want to move to San Francisco and be their next door neighbor!
But the reason I bring it up - is because I want to tell you a little story she relayed to me today. (Bear with me - this story is scattered all over the place!)
For Valentine's day, Kikr's husband gave her a lovely little necklace. It's a circle of glass surrounded by silver and inside, it holds a mustard seed.
Some of you read that description and already have an idea what it symbolizes, and have probably left to search for a similar necklace for yourself! That's okay. I'll wait.
Okay, back? Let's move on.
Kikr visited her doctor today - it was only the second visit with this doctor but she really likes her. If you've ever found a doctor or any other health professional that just puts you at ease and seems to connect with you - you'll understand how happy she is to have found this doc.
She feels that this doctor understands her, they relate well. They're simpatico.
Then as doctor was examining my friend, Kikr's necklace caught her eye. Finally when she went to listen to her heart doc asked, "What is that?"
Kikr told her it was a mustard seed.
"A mustard seed? Why?!"
"It's a symbol of faith. It's a reminder that even the tiniest bit of faith can achieve great results." Luke 17:5-6, Matthew 17:20
"Oh."
Kikr says she felt in that instant that their connection was gone.
She felt that the doctor immediately changed her view of Kikr - suddenly Kikr was one of 'those' people.
"And you know what?" Kikr asked me, "It only happens to Christians. If you're a Buddhist, the response is, 'Oh that's great. You're so enlightened.' If your Jewish, that's cool. But if you are Christian, you're one of 'those' people. I am so tired of it."
I agree with my friend's observation.
I think that is a chief factor in politics right now... if you identify as a Christian you are lumped into a category that describes you as closed-minded, ignorant, and uneducated. Apparently educated people can only think the same way.
I'll even say it doesn't work the other way around. If we meet someone who is of a different faith, or of no faith - we respond with "Okay. I'd still like to understand you. I will walk with you."
Or do we?
I feel that I do. I have a friend who is an atheist, and while I don't agree with him - I embrace him. With him I have some of the most wonderful discussions about faith.
Maybe not all Christians behave the way my friend and I do. (now, I'm not saying we're superior.) Maybe others have encountered Christians who immediately tell them they are wrong to have no faith, or wrong for not believing in Christ. Maybe they tell them they are destined for hell.
I personally don't know any Christians like that, but maybe they are out there. And if they are - well - they are bad PR!
I will admit that will point out wrong.
My atheist friend who is the midst of a divorce, told me he had reconnected with his high school sweetheart - and that they were having an affair. She's still married (and his divorce isn't final) They both have children.
I was not shy about telling him that what he was doing was wrong. He didn't like to hear it, but he heard me out. And I could only tell him what I thought, and how strongly I believed it - because I am his friend. If I had dismissed him when I met him - told him he was sinner right then - he would not have stood for my lecture!
He's given up the affair - and we are still friends.
How do you present as a Christian? Do you feel tagged by some people, or always embraced?
Monday, February 15, 2010
Do You Believe in Love? Ooo ooo ooh ooo wee ooo
Just a strain of the old Huey Lewis & the News song was in a TV commercial yesterday - and I picked out the riff of the song.
Let's set aside the fact that songs from my teenage years are selling insurance and erectile dysfunction meds now --- cause that's not depressing.
Do You Believe in Love ~ Huey Lewis & the News
and let's further ignore that this has to be the creepiest music video - with the world's worst set design ever.
The song that was so catchy when I was crushing on boys in high school - today becomes a question. Do I believe in love?
I think I don't.
Of course I believe in the "Oh my dear sweet baby, I'd do anything to protect you my child." sort of love.
But the romantic, "Let's get married, I don't want to live without you." love - not so much.
Meeting someone and having them fall head over heels - never gonna happen.
At this point, I think love is a choice. You meet someone - you click. You agree on essentials like faith, family, the difference between right and wrong - and you think, "I could live with this person." If you both agree - that's what you do. Then love grows because you share your lives together.
That's exactly what I felt when I first met Mr. Burns. Finally, here is someone like me. Someone with the same values, same family upbringing, someone who 'got' my sense of humor (because that is a big get!) For the first time, I thought - "This could actually work." rather than - "Yeah, well - keep it movin' sonny."
Now that we broke up for the second time, I have trouble understanding why so many people can do this and I can't. I mean, there are complete morons out there - people with corrupt notions of what is right and wrong - people who really shouldn't have children - and they get married and make it work and are reasonably if not ecstatically happy.
Why can't I?
What is so intrinsically unlovable about me? What makes me so imperfect that I should be sentenced to a life alone?
Of course I know that is not the case.
I know that I am lovable. I know that I am a wonderful person, who frankly, any man should be thrilled to even imagine having by his side for the rest of his life.
But, this mortal world just isn't going to provide that.
In this mortal world, I think men don't even want to be married. I don't think they seek it.
I look at the people around me - couples everywhere - and I think they are either pretending.... or they just decided that life together is better than life apart and they did it.
How on this green earth do you get a man to just decide to do it? Mr. Burns couldn't. I always did think he was waiting for some bolt of lightning to signify that this was the 'right' one. And I don't think that's how it works. I think you gotta just go for it and then put your faith in God to make it work.
I can't figure it out. All I know is that I opened my heart and my life to this man and - nothing.
I don't think this love thing everyone is talking about is real.
Wanna tell me what you think? I'd love to know.
Let's set aside the fact that songs from my teenage years are selling insurance and erectile dysfunction meds now --- cause that's not depressing.
Do You Believe in Love ~ Huey Lewis & the News
and let's further ignore that this has to be the creepiest music video - with the world's worst set design ever.
The song that was so catchy when I was crushing on boys in high school - today becomes a question. Do I believe in love?
I think I don't.
Of course I believe in the "Oh my dear sweet baby, I'd do anything to protect you my child." sort of love.
But the romantic, "Let's get married, I don't want to live without you." love - not so much.
Meeting someone and having them fall head over heels - never gonna happen.
At this point, I think love is a choice. You meet someone - you click. You agree on essentials like faith, family, the difference between right and wrong - and you think, "I could live with this person." If you both agree - that's what you do. Then love grows because you share your lives together.
That's exactly what I felt when I first met Mr. Burns. Finally, here is someone like me. Someone with the same values, same family upbringing, someone who 'got' my sense of humor (because that is a big get!) For the first time, I thought - "This could actually work." rather than - "Yeah, well - keep it movin' sonny."
Now that we broke up for the second time, I have trouble understanding why so many people can do this and I can't. I mean, there are complete morons out there - people with corrupt notions of what is right and wrong - people who really shouldn't have children - and they get married and make it work and are reasonably if not ecstatically happy.
Why can't I?
What is so intrinsically unlovable about me? What makes me so imperfect that I should be sentenced to a life alone?
Of course I know that is not the case.
I know that I am lovable. I know that I am a wonderful person, who frankly, any man should be thrilled to even imagine having by his side for the rest of his life.
But, this mortal world just isn't going to provide that.
In this mortal world, I think men don't even want to be married. I don't think they seek it.
I look at the people around me - couples everywhere - and I think they are either pretending.... or they just decided that life together is better than life apart and they did it.
How on this green earth do you get a man to just decide to do it? Mr. Burns couldn't. I always did think he was waiting for some bolt of lightning to signify that this was the 'right' one. And I don't think that's how it works. I think you gotta just go for it and then put your faith in God to make it work.
I can't figure it out. All I know is that I opened my heart and my life to this man and - nothing.
I don't think this love thing everyone is talking about is real.
Wanna tell me what you think? I'd love to know.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
In Which I Want to Crawl in a Hole and Disappear - and also some happy thoughts
I've had a very bad day.
This morning I was brought to tears by my bank balance - that which is whittling away as I wait for my first unemployment check, work a measly 15 hours a week at a part-time job (which I LOVE btw), and wait to hear if I get the promotion to full-time manager at said job, which they won't decide until April.
I've been in similar situations before, watching a waning account balance while unemployed... and the sweet Lord has always provided for me in amazing ways.
In my heart, I know I'll be okay through the grace of God - but I struggle with thoughts that I should be better at providing for myself. I did not lose my job on account of being a bad employee. I lost it because the city for which I worked had to make severe budget cuts. Still, it hurts my pride all the same.
Then, after drying my tears and struggling with fears of becoming homeless I got a message from my part-time job. Now I was faced with the decision of covering a 4-hour shift which would result in $40 being added to my account balance - or - staying home to apply for 5 jobs so that I qualify for this week's unemployment benefits equaling $150. Some choice... work to provide for myself - or - apply for jobs that don't even meet my qualifications.
I stayed home and wrote meaningless cover letters.
I don't know for certain how I am going to make ends meet. As I considered this, my thoughts strayed to the one thing that disappoints me about my Church. The one area where the Catholic church falls down in comparison to other denominations is helping those in need. Yes, the church funds Project Rachel, and supports food banks and homeless shelters. Catholic Charities handles most assistance needs, but it would be great if the people you worship with would extend a helping hand -or at least a comforting shoulder- to those sitting right in their midst who need help and support. (and let me tell you, my parish is filled with very wealthy folks. I think, the sort who would never imagine that someone 'just like them' by all appearances is in such a bad way.)
I have a friend at my church who is going through a very tough time - she has a small child and she's greatly pregnant and dealing with a huge personal crisis. Many people at church have an idea what she is going through. They know I am her friend and they ask me if she is okay and what they can do to help. (she is hiring help and has family flying in to help when the baby is born.)
The same people also know that I am unemployed for the second time in 2.5 years. But they don't ask me how they can help. I'm sure they are praying that I will find a suitable job - but that doesn't give me immediate help.
And I hate that I am even considering the idea of being a charity case - but it is getting that bad right now.
Oddly, my pregnant-personal-crisis-friend has great financial resources. She has asked me to help her with some projects - and I gladly do. Then before I leave she writes me a check to 'pay' me. I don't want her money -- but today I appreciate the fact that we are helping one another in the ways that we each need to be helped. In ways we are each capable of helping.
I guess I am just saying that we should all try to be aware of what those around us are going through - and offer to help. Even it's just taking that person out to lunch - or slip them a gift card to the grocery store. (I checked - I don't seem to qualify for food stamps - though I don't understand how they came to that conclusion)
On a more uplifting note - I have a bloggy award!
Stacey at Stacey's Thoughts on Infertility seems to LIKE me! I am so thrilled for her right now - as she is finally, cautiously embarking on that nine month journey to a real live miracle - child to love!!
To me she has bestowed the Sugar Doll Award.
I am not sure of the criteria - but I do graciously accept!
The rules are simply to copy the award to your own blog, tell your readers 10 things about yourself, and pass it along!
So, 10 things about me:
1. I can’t think of any single thing that would inspire me to run. Including impending death.
2. I don’t wear pink. Not no way, not no how.
3. I love the sound of a helicopter flying over my roof. Hard to explain. It’s some sort of thrill. I have lived near hospitals and under the Police Chopper flight path in my last four apartments (3 cities) – so the sound makes me feel at home now.
4. I don’t cook. I don’t enjoy it – it’s a chore. Many friends assume this means I can’t cook. Silly. I can follow directions just like anyone else. When I do cook – it’s very good. I’d just rather make food for 20 people than for one. It makes it worth the effort expended.
5. If sleeping soundly were an Olympic event, I’d be Michael Phelps. If a burning house and four fire trucks outside my window can’t wake me – what confidence can I place in three alarm clocks?
6. I’m so not afraid of heights that it’s dangerous. I love heights. Particularly precarious heights. I once stood atop each presidential head on Mount Rushmore. At one point I was so close to the precipice of Jefferson’s forehead that a Park Ranger tied a rope around me.
7. I really thought I’d be married and have kids by now. Like 7 years ago. I’m sort of pissed that I don’t get what everyone else gets in life. Not for lack of trying.
8. I was completely distraught when, in treatment of hip pain, my chiropractor suggested that I wear only flat shoes for a few months. MONTHS?!
9. I kind of enjoy losing control while driving on ice, because I get a little thrill from recovering. No fun if you crash.
10. Animals personified make me laugh every time. Always. A dog in a hat. An animated animal reading the newspaper or wearing an apron… hilarious. The catch is, I am now so accustomed to Brian/Family Guy being personified, that I crack up when he does something canine.
I'd like to give this award to some bloggy friends who charm the heck out of me!
Have a Cute Day - so inspirational!
The Nester - I'd like to steal her house!
Jennifer at Conversion Diary - she's a former atheist who has converted to Catholicism. Blessed with incredible writing skills she has the ability to inspire cradle Catholics like myself to believe and serve better!
Genevra at Conversations with Myself - someone I want to know IRL!
and speaking of wanting to know In Real Life - I'm dying to meet Erin Ann especially once she's back from Haiti!
These are the folks that help me entertain my unemployed mind with all this time off!! Can I also blame them for me being internet addicted and out of shape?
This morning I was brought to tears by my bank balance - that which is whittling away as I wait for my first unemployment check, work a measly 15 hours a week at a part-time job (which I LOVE btw), and wait to hear if I get the promotion to full-time manager at said job, which they won't decide until April.
I've been in similar situations before, watching a waning account balance while unemployed... and the sweet Lord has always provided for me in amazing ways.
In my heart, I know I'll be okay through the grace of God - but I struggle with thoughts that I should be better at providing for myself. I did not lose my job on account of being a bad employee. I lost it because the city for which I worked had to make severe budget cuts. Still, it hurts my pride all the same.
Then, after drying my tears and struggling with fears of becoming homeless I got a message from my part-time job. Now I was faced with the decision of covering a 4-hour shift which would result in $40 being added to my account balance - or - staying home to apply for 5 jobs so that I qualify for this week's unemployment benefits equaling $150. Some choice... work to provide for myself - or - apply for jobs that don't even meet my qualifications.
I stayed home and wrote meaningless cover letters.
I don't know for certain how I am going to make ends meet. As I considered this, my thoughts strayed to the one thing that disappoints me about my Church. The one area where the Catholic church falls down in comparison to other denominations is helping those in need. Yes, the church funds Project Rachel, and supports food banks and homeless shelters. Catholic Charities handles most assistance needs, but it would be great if the people you worship with would extend a helping hand -or at least a comforting shoulder- to those sitting right in their midst who need help and support. (and let me tell you, my parish is filled with very wealthy folks. I think, the sort who would never imagine that someone 'just like them' by all appearances is in such a bad way.)
I have a friend at my church who is going through a very tough time - she has a small child and she's greatly pregnant and dealing with a huge personal crisis. Many people at church have an idea what she is going through. They know I am her friend and they ask me if she is okay and what they can do to help. (she is hiring help and has family flying in to help when the baby is born.)
The same people also know that I am unemployed for the second time in 2.5 years. But they don't ask me how they can help. I'm sure they are praying that I will find a suitable job - but that doesn't give me immediate help.
And I hate that I am even considering the idea of being a charity case - but it is getting that bad right now.
Oddly, my pregnant-personal-crisis-friend has great financial resources. She has asked me to help her with some projects - and I gladly do. Then before I leave she writes me a check to 'pay' me. I don't want her money -- but today I appreciate the fact that we are helping one another in the ways that we each need to be helped. In ways we are each capable of helping.
I guess I am just saying that we should all try to be aware of what those around us are going through - and offer to help. Even it's just taking that person out to lunch - or slip them a gift card to the grocery store. (I checked - I don't seem to qualify for food stamps - though I don't understand how they came to that conclusion)
On a more uplifting note - I have a bloggy award!
Stacey at Stacey's Thoughts on Infertility seems to LIKE me! I am so thrilled for her right now - as she is finally, cautiously embarking on that nine month journey to a real live miracle - child to love!!
To me she has bestowed the Sugar Doll Award.
I am not sure of the criteria - but I do graciously accept!
The rules are simply to copy the award to your own blog, tell your readers 10 things about yourself, and pass it along!So, 10 things about me:
1. I can’t think of any single thing that would inspire me to run. Including impending death.
2. I don’t wear pink. Not no way, not no how.
3. I love the sound of a helicopter flying over my roof. Hard to explain. It’s some sort of thrill. I have lived near hospitals and under the Police Chopper flight path in my last four apartments (3 cities) – so the sound makes me feel at home now.
4. I don’t cook. I don’t enjoy it – it’s a chore. Many friends assume this means I can’t cook. Silly. I can follow directions just like anyone else. When I do cook – it’s very good. I’d just rather make food for 20 people than for one. It makes it worth the effort expended.
5. If sleeping soundly were an Olympic event, I’d be Michael Phelps. If a burning house and four fire trucks outside my window can’t wake me – what confidence can I place in three alarm clocks?
6. I’m so not afraid of heights that it’s dangerous. I love heights. Particularly precarious heights. I once stood atop each presidential head on Mount Rushmore. At one point I was so close to the precipice of Jefferson’s forehead that a Park Ranger tied a rope around me.
7. I really thought I’d be married and have kids by now. Like 7 years ago. I’m sort of pissed that I don’t get what everyone else gets in life. Not for lack of trying.
8. I was completely distraught when, in treatment of hip pain, my chiropractor suggested that I wear only flat shoes for a few months. MONTHS?!
9. I kind of enjoy losing control while driving on ice, because I get a little thrill from recovering. No fun if you crash.
10. Animals personified make me laugh every time. Always. A dog in a hat. An animated animal reading the newspaper or wearing an apron… hilarious. The catch is, I am now so accustomed to Brian/Family Guy being personified, that I crack up when he does something canine.
I'd like to give this award to some bloggy friends who charm the heck out of me!
Have a Cute Day - so inspirational!
The Nester - I'd like to steal her house!
Jennifer at Conversion Diary - she's a former atheist who has converted to Catholicism. Blessed with incredible writing skills she has the ability to inspire cradle Catholics like myself to believe and serve better!
Genevra at Conversations with Myself - someone I want to know IRL!
and speaking of wanting to know In Real Life - I'm dying to meet Erin Ann especially once she's back from Haiti!
These are the folks that help me entertain my unemployed mind with all this time off!! Can I also blame them for me being internet addicted and out of shape?
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
Resolutions I Can Stick To!
I have a history of Epic Fail when it comes to New Years Resolutions. So mostly I just don't.
Actually, I make the typical goals of exercising more, getting back in shape, eating better and being kinder - but those are just goals; no point making it a resolution - I should be doing it anyway.
So I find that I'm opting for a friendlier, more fun form of resolution. The kind I can stick to - and can still consider self-improvement because it makes me look and feel better even if I'm not getting into better shape!
It started last year when a quick inventory of my closet revealed this:
Oh yes, that's a lot of clothes. I was initially impressed with the variety until I realized every single thing is Grey, White, Cream, Black or Brown!!! A closet full of neutrals! Oh the shame!
I did some introspection and realized that I tend toward neutrals because I want everything to go with everything. But a closet full of neutrals doesn't really work. It's pretty boring. (please note: the two striped items are new additions - to be explained later. and yes I realize they are grey and white and black and white!) Bah!
So for 2009 my goal was to infuse color into my closet. I don't know why every time I find something that is just adorable - it's always grey or black! Why is that?!
A year later - here are my additions:
The reds were already there, as were the green and teal blue sweaters.
From Blah to Bright
For 2010 my goal is to explore patterns and accessories. I'm getting inspired by fashion bloggers like Clothed Much, Have a Cute Day and Infinite Whimsy. I really need to jazz things up!
You see, I'm a little afraid of patterns and prints. I think because I'm fairly tiny ~ and because I feel my face doesn't have strong features... I'm afraid I'll disappear in a pattern or print. (My friends assure me this is crazy, but still it's how I feel. )
So that's how I ended up with one striped t-shirt and one striped cardigan - My first print purchases of 2010!!! Really branching out there.
Accessories are another story.
My parents taught me to be frugal and so I've viewed accessories as unnecessary. When you limit your clothing purchases to under $20 an item - belts and jewelry often double the cost of an outfit - so I never bothered to get any.
I have 5 new belts now - and I know another reason why I didn't buy any for most of my life... THEY NEVER FIT!! I've taken 3 belts to the tailor to shorten from the buckle end... and they still don't fit right. Basically you have to decide if it's a belt you are going to wear at the waist or below your waist. One belt cannot do both jobs. That's not very versatile, therefore I just skip it!
Even my shoes are a little too practical. I want them to go with everything so I don't stray too far from the mainstream. Smart - but a bit boring. My personality is NOT this tame. One of the best compliments I ever got was a co-worker's wife who said my outfits were always so cute... "If you had any money, you'd be fabulous!"
Here are some of my new outfits combining old standbys - new punches of color - and accessories!!
White tuxedo ruffle T - from the Gap
Yellow Cardigan - TJMaxx
Grey Skirt - Target
Belt - TJMaxx
Black boots - TJMaxx
Tweed Jacket - $7 at Dillards 4 years ago
Green turtleneck - Tweeds $19 at TJMaxx
Black Skirt - Shade Clothing
Belt - ditto
Boots - ditto
White button down - had for ages
Teal sweater - Charlotte Russe
Brown pants - Candies from Kohls
Belt - purchased in my college years (1990)
Brown Boots - years old from Ross
Let's see what happens this year! I'll post updates - feel free to critique some of my choices. (praise preferred!)
Actually, I make the typical goals of exercising more, getting back in shape, eating better and being kinder - but those are just goals; no point making it a resolution - I should be doing it anyway.
So I find that I'm opting for a friendlier, more fun form of resolution. The kind I can stick to - and can still consider self-improvement because it makes me look and feel better even if I'm not getting into better shape!
It started last year when a quick inventory of my closet revealed this:
Oh yes, that's a lot of clothes. I was initially impressed with the variety until I realized every single thing is Grey, White, Cream, Black or Brown!!! A closet full of neutrals! Oh the shame!I did some introspection and realized that I tend toward neutrals because I want everything to go with everything. But a closet full of neutrals doesn't really work. It's pretty boring. (please note: the two striped items are new additions - to be explained later. and yes I realize they are grey and white and black and white!) Bah!
So for 2009 my goal was to infuse color into my closet. I don't know why every time I find something that is just adorable - it's always grey or black! Why is that?!
A year later - here are my additions:
The reds were already there, as were the green and teal blue sweaters.From Blah to Bright
For 2010 my goal is to explore patterns and accessories. I'm getting inspired by fashion bloggers like Clothed Much, Have a Cute Day and Infinite Whimsy. I really need to jazz things up!
You see, I'm a little afraid of patterns and prints. I think because I'm fairly tiny ~ and because I feel my face doesn't have strong features... I'm afraid I'll disappear in a pattern or print. (My friends assure me this is crazy, but still it's how I feel. )
So that's how I ended up with one striped t-shirt and one striped cardigan - My first print purchases of 2010!!! Really branching out there.
Accessories are another story.
My parents taught me to be frugal and so I've viewed accessories as unnecessary. When you limit your clothing purchases to under $20 an item - belts and jewelry often double the cost of an outfit - so I never bothered to get any.
I have 5 new belts now - and I know another reason why I didn't buy any for most of my life... THEY NEVER FIT!! I've taken 3 belts to the tailor to shorten from the buckle end... and they still don't fit right. Basically you have to decide if it's a belt you are going to wear at the waist or below your waist. One belt cannot do both jobs. That's not very versatile, therefore I just skip it!
Even my shoes are a little too practical. I want them to go with everything so I don't stray too far from the mainstream. Smart - but a bit boring. My personality is NOT this tame. One of the best compliments I ever got was a co-worker's wife who said my outfits were always so cute... "If you had any money, you'd be fabulous!"
Here are some of my new outfits combining old standbys - new punches of color - and accessories!!
White tuxedo ruffle T - from the GapYellow Cardigan - TJMaxx
Grey Skirt - Target
Belt - TJMaxx
Black boots - TJMaxx
Tweed Jacket - $7 at Dillards 4 years ago
Green turtleneck - Tweeds $19 at TJMaxx
Black Skirt - Shade Clothing
Belt - ditto
Boots - ditto
White button down - had for ages
Teal sweater - Charlotte Russe
Brown pants - Candies from Kohls
Belt - purchased in my college years (1990)
Brown Boots - years old from Ross
Let's see what happens this year! I'll post updates - feel free to critique some of my choices. (praise preferred!)
Thursday, February 04, 2010
Relief
I didn't expect this. This feeling of hope. Of expectation.
For about two days after the break-up, I spent the time mourning my lacking fertility. Sort of: "Oh great, almost 40 and single again... what great odds for reproduction."
After Mass on Sunday, I spoke to a casual friend (someone in my social circle - someone whom I like - but we're not extremely close)
She: "Are you still seeing...?"
Me: "Actually we broke up on Friday..."
She: "I've been wanting to introduce you to my friend S."
Seriously, she didn't even want to know more about the break-up! It's like she knew it was over and I was ready to move on. She explained that she'd even brought him to church once - so I could meet him - and that's when I was with Mr. Burns. She turned to her friend and said it looked like I was taken. That was three years ago. She's wanted us to meet for that long.
So that gave me a little hope, that maybe there is someone right around the corner. It could be S. It could be someone else. But the point is - I feel hopeful. I was afraid I would feel destitute. I was focused on being 'old', out-of-shape, out-of-work and out of contention for any good, Godly man seeking his life's mate.
The Lord's tender mercy pulled me out of the 'Woe is me' phase - faster than I expected. I am so grateful. (No doubt in part to many prayers from my beautiful bloggy friends - and my fabulous in-real-life friends too! Thank you!)
Mr. Burns stopped by this evening to deliver various things that I had left at his house. Serving dishes from our Christmas celebration, my weight set, other random stuff.
As we wrapped things up, I noticed he looked happy - and remarked on it.
He told me I looked happy too.
It was tough for both of us to realize that we were responsible for keeping the other from this easy happiness. That the weight that was dragging us down - was in fact our relationship.
Now we're both free. It's time to move on.
For about two days after the break-up, I spent the time mourning my lacking fertility. Sort of: "Oh great, almost 40 and single again... what great odds for reproduction."
After Mass on Sunday, I spoke to a casual friend (someone in my social circle - someone whom I like - but we're not extremely close)
She: "Are you still seeing...?"
Me: "Actually we broke up on Friday..."
She: "I've been wanting to introduce you to my friend S."
Seriously, she didn't even want to know more about the break-up! It's like she knew it was over and I was ready to move on. She explained that she'd even brought him to church once - so I could meet him - and that's when I was with Mr. Burns. She turned to her friend and said it looked like I was taken. That was three years ago. She's wanted us to meet for that long.
So that gave me a little hope, that maybe there is someone right around the corner. It could be S. It could be someone else. But the point is - I feel hopeful. I was afraid I would feel destitute. I was focused on being 'old', out-of-shape, out-of-work and out of contention for any good, Godly man seeking his life's mate.
The Lord's tender mercy pulled me out of the 'Woe is me' phase - faster than I expected. I am so grateful. (No doubt in part to many prayers from my beautiful bloggy friends - and my fabulous in-real-life friends too! Thank you!)
Mr. Burns stopped by this evening to deliver various things that I had left at his house. Serving dishes from our Christmas celebration, my weight set, other random stuff.
As we wrapped things up, I noticed he looked happy - and remarked on it.
He told me I looked happy too.
It was tough for both of us to realize that we were responsible for keeping the other from this easy happiness. That the weight that was dragging us down - was in fact our relationship.
Now we're both free. It's time to move on.
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
And So it Goes
When I called my parents the other day, Dad had some news.
He finally went to see an attorney about drafting a will. (Gee Dad, ya think you should get on that at age 77?) He wanted to know what I thought about some of the provisions. My family doesn't have much money, but my parents want to be fair.
As Dad explained some of the terms, he paused and said, "Well, what's going on in your love life?"
(I have to laugh because my dad stays completely OUT of my dating life. He's so precious to have never taken a position about me ever getting married or not!!)
Me: "We just broke up."
He stepped over it as a simple piece of information and explained that, barring (or despite) any changes in my marital status he's arranged for anything to go to Mom first, then to us kids - and whether I would have a husband or not, when I'm gone my share would go to the grandchildren. My nieces, nephew and great-niece.
Is that okay with me?
Absolutely. That's exactly what I would have suggested.
Nice to know we think alike.
But then for a split second - I was sad that even in this stage of the game it's a foregone conclusion that I won't have a husband or children.
He finally went to see an attorney about drafting a will. (Gee Dad, ya think you should get on that at age 77?) He wanted to know what I thought about some of the provisions. My family doesn't have much money, but my parents want to be fair.
As Dad explained some of the terms, he paused and said, "Well, what's going on in your love life?"
(I have to laugh because my dad stays completely OUT of my dating life. He's so precious to have never taken a position about me ever getting married or not!!)
Me: "We just broke up."
He stepped over it as a simple piece of information and explained that, barring (or despite) any changes in my marital status he's arranged for anything to go to Mom first, then to us kids - and whether I would have a husband or not, when I'm gone my share would go to the grandchildren. My nieces, nephew and great-niece.
Is that okay with me?
Absolutely. That's exactly what I would have suggested.
Nice to know we think alike.
But then for a split second - I was sad that even in this stage of the game it's a foregone conclusion that I won't have a husband or children.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
My Heart is not Broken
But my ovaries are mad as hell.
I'm not sure exactly how Mr. Burns and I started spending time together again. It was in the spring, about six months after we broke up. He told me then, that he finally realized that he cared more about my well-being than for his own.
I figured that was worth a second chance.
I didn't take to it very easily. He took me out for my birthday (in June) and took to nuzzling me like giddy teenager - so excited to be with me. I wanted to enjoy that, as I had waited so long for such a display. But it made me uncomfortable, in part because I had just spent six months trying to move on from him and in part because I just didn't believe it was real.
By the time I was ready for him be crazy about me - he was past it. He was also past putting my well-being before his own.
-->
So, my bloggy friends - the singles in particular - heed my warnings:
1) When the man you are crazy about makes no efforts to meet your parents and family - he's not invested. This should happen anywhere from 4 months to 9 months into your relationship. Not 2 1/2 years.
2) When he takes his sister from out-of-state on overnight trips - but never plans one with you (and I'm not talking about boinking - I'm just referring to a nice little trip essential for bonding) he's not invested. Again, this usually happens in the first 3-9 months of a relationship - not years!!
3) If there is always a reason that he can't join you to meet your friends, to meet your parents... even if it appears it's not his fault ... even if it's a 9 hour drive -- he's out of town on a work trip that just came up - or he just got back from said trip and it's not convenient. He is so not invested. Everyone I know in happy relationships, married or not - would just show up even if they're covered in grease or ash or cow manure or operating on two hours sleep. If he cared, he'd make it there.
Also,
4) A man who wants to win your heart will spontaneously do nice things for you. Like fix the window in your kitchen that sticks. Or install a smoke detector. Or wash your car. He will notice these things on his own and just do them. He will not ask you to make a list that he will never get to.
He does these things because your well-being means more to him than sleep, or fear of heights or the 20 minute drive between your houses.
Do not spend 3 years of your life with the guy who doesn't... thinking that he will get there eventually. He won't. Let him be someone else's heartache.
Turn your heart back over to God... and send the next man straight to God to ask for it if he wants it.
Mr. Burns and I broke up. I'm okay. I'm over it. I've already started an online dating profile. I'm only upset that my last few years of child-bearing potential have been wasted. Hence the comment from my ovaries!! My friends new boyfriend - the one who installed 5 new smoke detectors in her rented house... remarked, "TRS, you don't look like you're going to be 40!" I replied, "Thank you. Tell that to my ovaries."
In Mass on Sunday... the first four notes of a song brought me to tears. A song that to me, sums up the relationship that I want with one of God's earthly men:
-->
I'm not sure exactly how Mr. Burns and I started spending time together again. It was in the spring, about six months after we broke up. He told me then, that he finally realized that he cared more about my well-being than for his own.
I figured that was worth a second chance.
I didn't take to it very easily. He took me out for my birthday (in June) and took to nuzzling me like giddy teenager - so excited to be with me. I wanted to enjoy that, as I had waited so long for such a display. But it made me uncomfortable, in part because I had just spent six months trying to move on from him and in part because I just didn't believe it was real.
By the time I was ready for him be crazy about me - he was past it. He was also past putting my well-being before his own.
-->
This weekend, he told me that he thought he had done every thing possible to try to make me happy, and that it just didn't work. (My friends are throwing down Bull Sh!t flags all over this statement)
So, my bloggy friends - the singles in particular - heed my warnings:
1) When the man you are crazy about makes no efforts to meet your parents and family - he's not invested. This should happen anywhere from 4 months to 9 months into your relationship. Not 2 1/2 years.
2) When he takes his sister from out-of-state on overnight trips - but never plans one with you (and I'm not talking about boinking - I'm just referring to a nice little trip essential for bonding) he's not invested. Again, this usually happens in the first 3-9 months of a relationship - not years!!
3) If there is always a reason that he can't join you to meet your friends, to meet your parents... even if it appears it's not his fault ... even if it's a 9 hour drive -- he's out of town on a work trip that just came up - or he just got back from said trip and it's not convenient. He is so not invested. Everyone I know in happy relationships, married or not - would just show up even if they're covered in grease or ash or cow manure or operating on two hours sleep. If he cared, he'd make it there.
Also,
4) A man who wants to win your heart will spontaneously do nice things for you. Like fix the window in your kitchen that sticks. Or install a smoke detector. Or wash your car. He will notice these things on his own and just do them. He will not ask you to make a list that he will never get to.
He does these things because your well-being means more to him than sleep, or fear of heights or the 20 minute drive between your houses.
Do not spend 3 years of your life with the guy who doesn't... thinking that he will get there eventually. He won't. Let him be someone else's heartache.
Turn your heart back over to God... and send the next man straight to God to ask for it if he wants it.
Mr. Burns and I broke up. I'm okay. I'm over it. I've already started an online dating profile. I'm only upset that my last few years of child-bearing potential have been wasted. Hence the comment from my ovaries!! My friends new boyfriend - the one who installed 5 new smoke detectors in her rented house... remarked, "TRS, you don't look like you're going to be 40!" I replied, "Thank you. Tell that to my ovaries."
In Mass on Sunday... the first four notes of a song brought me to tears. A song that to me, sums up the relationship that I want with one of God's earthly men:
-->
-->Will you let me be your servant, Let me be as Christ to you; Pray that I may have the grace to Let you be my servant, too.We are pilgrims on a journey, We are travelers on the road; We are here to help each other. Walk the mile and bear the load.I will hold the Christlight for you In the night-time of your fear; I will hold my hand out to you, Speak the peace you long to hear.I will weep when you are weeping; When you laugh I'll laugh with you. I will share your joy and sorrow, Till we've seen this journey through.
When we sing to God in heaven We shall find such harmony, Born of all we've known together Of Christ's love and agony.
Text & Tune: Richard Gillard ©1977, Scripture in Song
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