Monday, October 06, 2008


Could you hear the guttural cries?

I stood in the shower and sobbed. Heavy, dry gasps because no tears would come. I worried about my neighbors hearing but it was 3:00 in the afternoon. Most likely no one else was home.
I gasped and sobbed and cried out.
Once I completed my shower, I stood there clutching my towel and gasped and sobbed some more. Finally I threw my head back - allowing my throat to really open up - and released the kind of sound I expected to make. The sound of a heart breaking. When I thought it was over, they kept coming. Cries of anguish and pain. Still, no tears.

Then, after one last groan I sniffed mightily and said aloud, to myself: "Well, that will have to be enough then." Toweled myself off and tried to go on.

Mr. Burns and I are breaking up.
He told me that he finally realized something. He's not motivated. Not about our relationship, not regarding me. He doesn't know why he is not motivated but at least he identified that.

That was all I needed to hear. He's not motivated to love me. To claim me as his own and make sure no other man can have me. He's not motivated to care for me in the name of Christ - even though that is everything he wants to do.

I told him about the message God sent me - in triplicate no less - about surrender.
He said, "That sounds like the right thing to do. We'll put it in God's hands and see what he does with it. With us."
That was last Wednesday night. We were emotionless. We prayed together over our relationship and offered it to God.

I went away for the weekend. (to attend my cousin's wedding - irony and agony anyone?)
Then after 16 hours back in my own home the emotion overwhelmed me.
In the shower, just like another cousin told me it hit her - when a relationship ended and before she met the love of her life. She told me about sitting on the floor of her shower in a heaping sobbing mess and added, "So not worth it, by the way."
She did it for weeks.
We'll see what it takes for me.

But in all the agony, I realized that this is what surrender must look like. Drain yourself of all you thought you wanted and give yourself as a vessel for God to fill. I pray for God to use me.
Yet between sobs I called out "Why won't You use me? Why won't You make something of me?!"

After all this time unable to find work, USE ME LORD!
After I gave up hope of ever having a family, you brought Mr. Burns into my life and I feel tricked. As though you made me believe that I was good enough to have all the things that you seem to give so freely to everyone else. USE ME!

All I want is to have a family. I'm so tired of people telling me about all the celebrities who can make babies after 40 - and that I can always adopt. I'm adopted myself. I know all about it. But as someone without a blood family, I ache to make my own. I will adopt children from all around the world if God gives me husband with whom to make a family. But I can't get over the desire for God to use my body to create life. To nurse it and nurture it. To finally use me.

And I feel He never will.
I feel so abandoned. Even though I know I'm not... God would never abandon me, never leave my side but I feel so alone all the same.


CMO said...

I've been following you for quite some time, and this post really pains me. :( I'm so sorry for your loss. That is truly what it is.

Hang in there! I'm anxiously awaiting a positive post from the blessings that WILL come.

Anth said...

I'm sorry you're going through this pain. Please know I am thinking about you, and praying for you.

Yvonne said...

I'm so sorry.....

Krissie said...

Hey, I'm so sorry. Good job on being obedient and surrendering. That's hard. And just so you know, you are good enough, good enough to have a man that is motivated. I believe that is what God wants for you. I'll be praying for you.

Lindsay said...

Ugh! Oh, I just want to track you down and give you a big hug! (don't worry, I promise I won't really do that - hello, stalker!)

Don't give up hope. I know it's painful now (and oh I wish it didn't have to be), but someday you'll meet the right man. And he won't have to think so hard about whether he wants to be with you. He'll just know. And you will too.

erinannie said...

Cry. Let it out. Kick and scream and eat it all.
I'm so sorry. I am going to send you a talk from our church conference in a day or two about making something of your life that I think you will enjoy. It won't make everything better. I won't pretend that it will. But, it will allow you to feel some hope in your soul.
I'm so sorry. I'll be thinking of and praying for you.

This IS our life said...

I know you don't know me but I have been following your blog for some time. I am aching for you, I have been there. I feel your pain and yet somehow also see the WONDERFUL woman you are. It is so refreshing to see someone love God as you do and WANT to be a mother, a wife, a friend and a Daughter. DO NOT GIVE UP. You are a Daughter pf GOD and he LOVES YOU. He DOES hear your prayers and is working on YOUR side. Take a deep breath as bad as it might hurt and see all the lives you have touched and all good you have done and KNOW that GOD is USING you. HE NEEDS YOU! Now and always

Katie said...

Oh crappy. I'm hurting for you, and I'm so sorry to hear that.

God loves you, and so do I.

Anonymous said...

No no no ... you are in the place God wants you and that's the BEST place. I see GREAT things ahead.


Ronnica said...

Praying for you; that's the BEST that I can do.

Keli said...

Sweetie, I'm so sorry. I'll pray for you too.

Anonymous said...

Gosh, I hope I'm not opening a wound seems like we have a similar experience in parallel worlds...Well, it's uncanny kinda. My ex-Mr loves all things Jewish though and wishes he was Jewish. I left sooooooooo many chances and doors for him. Each time I told him how I felt he seemed to care, tried to put my fears to rest, but not once did he ever try to hold on to me. Finally after doing this way too many times, I told him that he must not love me enough to come after me, fight for me or us. His lame responses was the proof I kept on denying...I guess till God knocked some sense into me somehow, perhaps while I was sleeping.