Wednesday, October 15, 2008

That's Where The Sun Is

It's been a week now since we broke up.
By the end of last week I was feeling pretty good. Not as hard as I thought - thought I. This week... I dunno... my mind sticks on the possibility of me being alone in the world forever and the feeling squeezes my heart again.

I haven't told my parents yet that we broke up. My mom will wonder what makes her daughter so unlovable. My dad knows that I was considering a breakup for a while and he'll just be glad that I am not heading toward a doomed marriage.

I talked to my oldest niece last weekend. She's a high school senior and the sweetest kid you could imagine. She's the one who spent the day skiing with me and Mr. Burns last winter, so out of my entire family she knows him the most.
During our phone conversation she asked, "So. How is everything with your boyfriend?" with that sing song-y teenage lilt on "boyfriend", it almost made me laugh.
I answered, "Well, keep this to yourself until I'm ready to tell everyone..."
"Okay." said she.
"We broke up."
Oh. The shock in her voice!
"You thought I was going to say engaged didn't you?"

Oh bummer. I told her that I couldn't tell Mom until I can say it without crying.

On Sunday I went to church and spoke with my priest after Mass. I told him that we broke up - and tears stung my eyes again. Saying it aloud has this finality and makes it real rather than just an idea. Father said. "Okayyyyy." like that.
I thought that was an odd response and said so. Then he explained that he would often see us at Mass together and think... "This just isn't right. He doesn't love her. He needs to let her go." Hmm. But he also said that the fact that I tried for so long to make it work is a testament to just how strongly I desire marriage. That's a fact.

I shared that story with another friend who recently moved away. She emailed back...

"So, hearing what you did from Fr. ____ do you wish he had said something to you earlier, or do you think it would have needed to run its course no matter what?"
No. He was right. It wasn't his place. I think it had to run it's course. I had many friends here telling me to end it - and I couldn't. I had to wait until it was over. Until all the hope had dried up. And that's exactly what I did.

She wrote something else that cheered me:

"I definitely think you were in this all-or-nothing, but that's you. You don't do anything half-assed, and I think that's one reason we're friends. I respect that about you. "

Sometimes it takes your friends to point out even your obvious qualities!
She's right. I don't do anything halfway. If I crash my bike, I don't just fall off. I split my chin open and break a tooth!
I don't just end a relationship. I make sure my heart breaks!

One little bit of hope I cling to is... imagine how great my marriage will be one day! I do everything full-on. That man is going to know he is loved!

Last week I thought I had moved passed the wreckage. But to further the analogy - it seems that I'm still encountering some debris in the water. But still, it's a good place to be - beyond the wreckage. All I can do is keep my eyes on the horizon. That's where the sun is.

Who knows, maybe I'll be rescued. Or maybe I'll just become a strong swimmer.


Katie said...

If you are anything like me, you'll probably still have some pretty horrific moments in the next couple months. But hold on. It'll get better.

It's better to have a heart utterly crushed than to not have a feeling heart at all.

Thinking of you all the time...

Anonymous said...

Not that I find your situation humorous at all because I have been there once or twice and know the pain, but I found it ironic a man who took a vow of chastity and celibacy is giving relationship advice.

What if Mr. Burns had gas on Sunday mornings? Could that be "the look".

No one but the two of you knew.

But I dread/fear/hate to think about the pain you are in because I have had to live through it. Sometimes it's just hard to breath.

But what kept me going was the thought that it was temporary and life would go on.

It will and I KNOW you will be happy.


TRS said...

Hee Hee. Knot, that's funny.

Actually I talked with Fr. back in February when Mr. Burns told me that he didn't know if he loved me.

Fr. felt that was enough information to move on.
I was still filled with hope.

I am having a hard time getting out of bed in the mornings. Not as if that's anything new... but it's much harder than usual. I only leave the house to go to work. Yesterday I didn't even make it into my hallway, much less get the mail.

I'm not crying about it - I've accepted it - but that doesn't mean it's easy.
I'm the sort of person who is energized by having my man's arms around me - or at least by having something to look forward to.

And I don't have anything right now.

Katie said...

I'm sorry to hear about your break up :(

Laura said...


I followed your name over here from Rocks in my Dryer - the post about food allergies - when you said that you didn't know anyone else who was allergic to chicken. Well, my dad is also allergic to chicken. And turkey, fish, and Coca-cola. We often tell him to just hook up to an IV bag and stop worrying about solid foods!

Anyway, after picking myself up off the floor from laughing over your "oh great, a Democrat" comic, I scrolled down and read this post.

And it stopped me in my tracks. You see, I am going through my own heartache, and sometimes wonder if what I'm doing is the right thing. I, too, am in a relationship where I will not give up until I'm sure everything has been exhausted. And it's exhausting me.

But witnessing your journey through this difficult time gives me hope that I, too, will emerge on the other side, with my face warmed by the sun. So thank you for that.

I wish you happy. You seem to be a strong woman, funny, with a happy life (Mr. Burns notwithstanding), and I hope you continue that way.

And in the words of the incomparable "Dory"... "Just keep swimming"