By the end of last week I was feeling pretty good. Not as hard as I thought - thought I. This week... I dunno... my mind sticks on the possibility of me being alone in the world forever and the feeling squeezes my heart again.
I haven't told my parents yet that we broke up. My mom will wonder what makes her daughter so unlovable. My dad knows that I was considering a breakup for a while and he'll just be glad that I am not heading toward a doomed marriage.
I talked to my oldest niece last weekend. She's a high school senior and the sweetest kid you could imagine. She's the one who spent the day skiing with me and Mr. Burns last winter, so out of my entire family she knows him the most.
During our phone conversation she asked, "So. How is everything with your boyfriend?" with that sing song-y teenage lilt on "boyfriend", it almost made me laugh.
I answered, "Well, keep this to yourself until I'm ready to tell everyone..."
"Okay." said she.
"We broke up."
Oh. The shock in her voice!
"You thought I was going to say engaged didn't you?"
Oh bummer. I told her that I couldn't tell Mom until I can say it without crying.
On Sunday I went to church and spoke with my priest after Mass. I told him that we broke up - and tears stung my eyes again. Saying it aloud has this finality and makes it real rather than just an idea. Father said. "Okayyyyy." like that.
I thought that was an odd response and said so. Then he explained that he would often see us at Mass together and think... "This just isn't right. He doesn't love her. He needs to let her go." Hmm. But he also said that the fact that I tried for so long to make it work is a testament to just how strongly I desire marriage. That's a fact.
I shared that story with another friend who recently moved away. She emailed back...
"So, hearing what you did from Fr. ____ do you wish he had said something to you earlier, or do you think it would have needed to run its course no matter what?"No. He was right. It wasn't his place. I think it had to run it's course. I had many friends here telling me to end it - and I couldn't. I had to wait until it was over. Until all the hope had dried up. And that's exactly what I did.
She wrote something else that cheered me:
"I definitely think you were in this all-or-nothing, but that's you. You don't do anything half-assed, and I think that's one reason we're friends. I respect that about you. "
Sometimes it takes your friends to point out even your obvious qualities!
She's right. I don't do anything halfway. If I crash my bike, I don't just fall off. I split my chin open and break a tooth!
I don't just end a relationship. I make sure my heart breaks!
One little bit of hope I cling to is... imagine how great my marriage will be one day! I do everything full-on. That man is going to know he is loved!
Last week I thought I had moved passed the wreckage. But to further the analogy - it seems that I'm still encountering some debris in the water. But still, it's a good place to be - beyond the wreckage. All I can do is keep my eyes on the horizon. That's where the sun is.
Who knows, maybe I'll be rescued. Or maybe I'll just become a strong swimmer.