Permission

Better now.
Not 100% better but I'm feeling happier and able to function.

The words of my bloggy friend Genevra helped. She helped me to identify what I was really feeling, which was grief.

As she wrote in a post comment:

Your posts of late have struck me as someone who is in the grieving process, just not for someone who has actually died. More of a dream and/or expectation of how your life was suppose to have turned out by the time you were the age you are fast approaching.

Grieving the deaths of hopes and dreams is just hard as grieving the passing of a person, in my opinion. Maybe harder, because people can concretely understand how it feels or must feel to have someone you love die. I think it is harder when it is not a concrete thing.

I had begun to identify that myself when I thought that if I were widowed, others would acknowledge my loss. If I were dealing with a divorce, others would surround me with support. If I had lost a child, my friends would cry with me. But because I am grieving the loss of something I have never had... most people can't see that big gaping hole.

Thank you Genevra for giving me permission to grieve. Quoting Caroline Myss, she wrote:

"... sometimes the greatest gift another human being could give another was to just sit with them through their grief...."

I'll sit with you.

What a friend!

The other thing that irked me was the anonymous comment saying she had removed me from her RSS feed based on my posts the past few weeks.

That stung, because she indicated that a friend of mine had first shared my blog with her... and because less than a handful of my friends even know about my blog I guessed that the person she was referring to is the same friend who abandoned me when things got great for her and really tough for me.
When I went through a rather glamorous phase of life, she was bragging about me in a "That's my friend!" sort of way. Expressing her envy of a lifestyle that looked more glamorous than it was... but when the ride was over and I hit the ground... she hit the road. (The link above is the beginning of that story. Someday I'll share the rest of it. It isn't pretty and it hurts. This bitter post was in response to her truth.) So here this stranger was following the same pattern as this hurtful friend. I hope they have a great time together!

Anyway, it brought all those hurtful feelings back (clearly, when that was the LAST thing I needed!!!) and when I think of Miss Anonymous I see the face of that fair-weather friend and it makes my guts hurt.

Bottom-line, why did Anonymous tell me that she removed me from her feed, other than to be hurtful? Why not just remove it and move on? I mean, I don't care if I have readers or not (mostly - of course it's nice to have comments and of course I check for them!) I have not monetized my blog, I don't check my stats... I don't even know how to do. So the only motivation for Anonymous to point out that she removed mine from her feed was a virtual slap in the face.

And who needs friends like that?!

I know I'd be the bigger person if I didn't even acknowledge Anonymous... but the truth is, I'm not that big.

Yeah... okay

Yeah... okay I'm feeling a little bitter lately.
Give me a few days. I'll get back to normal.

Just keep in mind that you don't know all that is going on in my life. That has gone on in my life. That which I do without. That which I have sacrificed. That which I put up with.

You have not walked in my shoes. You are not the one who cries with my parents. You do not have my family, or my past or my experiences. Nor do I know all your circumstances.

I will say, I have sacrificed plenty. I have been the victim of other people's whims. Right now, a dear friend of mine is feeling the painful results of some childish people's whims... and I am working to hold her up as she goes through it. As a result, some of my dust has become unsettled as well.

I am feeling bad about spouting off the past few days... but not bad enough to take my posts down.

Some people (who call themselves Anonymous... oh the bravery!) have pointed out that I'm no fun now that I'm in pain. Well boo-hoo.

If you can stick by me... know that I will stick by you when you are dredging through murky waters. In fact, I will even if you won't.

Blessings! I love my bloggy friends.

Don't Tell Me How to Feel

I have a lot of people telling me that I shouldn't feel this way. Mostly in real life.

I guess they see that I'm a generally happy person, that I have lots of friends who love me, they tell me I'm beautiful and that I don't look 40 (as if that changes anything), and that I'm successful in that I've fully supported myself all these years, own my own home... that sort of jazz.

I think it has a lot to do with my unemployment struggles lately. I just hate that there is no work for me and it makes me feel like a failure. A failure even though mostly, I just picked a career field that is A) volatile B) changing and C) no longer valued.

But it is humiliating to me to be single and unemployable.
That translates to all kinds of unwanted.

Employers don't want me? Fine. I'll go home and raise babies. Oh wait, I don't have any. I don't have a husband, and no I'm not having one on my own because guess what... I can barely support myself!!

Yes, I know that being married doesn't validate a person. That it's not all rainbows and sunsets and hot sex.

The bottom line is, I want to share my life. I want a partner. A teammate.
I am so over coming home to an empty house.
I am so over everything I do, on a daily basis... getting groceries, putting gas in the car, earning a paycheck... is done for me.
I am so over my own needs and wants.
I want to share.

Don't tell me I shouldn't feel this way. God made us to want to share our lives.
It's natural. It's Christ-like.

Yes, in a little way... as the kid who wasn't popular in school, who never scored the best grades, who didn't grow into her looks until after college... I sort of feel like I'm proving everybody right on their first impressions that I would never amount to anything.

I say that... but I know that I am deeply and passionately loved by God. I know that. I feel that.
I just also want to feel arms around me at home.

Pffftttt!

I spend a lot of time lately explaining to God how He's not playing fair.

If you haven't guessed, McTwitchy is out of the picture.
After he told me that he was concerned he might not be available enough to me... we had a talk about what availability looked like.
From his point of view... he couldn't answer because he finds that his time is unpredictable. So he asked what it would look like to me.

Going out once on the weekends
A phone conversation sometime during the week
and
Meeting up sometime during the week for a walk or a bike ride / activity

When I got to the third item, I saw him flinch. I was asking too much of him.

Already, we were going an entire week between seeing one another, and when I said so he felt a bit attacked. He actually said he thinks he should find someone who doesn't want to spend as much time with him.

Yes. I thought that was the dumbest thing I've ever heard!
How do you find someone with whom you connect, have great chemistry, enjoy each other's company and conversation, feel attraction ... and wish to spend less time with them?

He chooses to be single and I told him so.

Maybe I do expect too much too soon. But I really think, at our age (approaching 40 and 40+ ) if you are looking for a relationship... six weeks in you probably want to spend time together. Six weeks is where you decide, "I like this person. I want to know more" or not.
I would say it's different if you're 20-25. At that age, it might be a bit overbearing.

But I've already spent my whole life alone. It's time to get on with it. Why wait? The sooner we spend time together, the sooner we figure out if we WANT to spend time together... maybe a life together. It will become obvious very soon if we don't want to!!

Bottom line... I think the right man for me will be the guy who wants to spend time with me. Who wants me to feel special. And I him.

I'm not exactly sure that man exists... but if he did, he would be the one for me.

The remainder of the equation is that ... this is dating at 40. If a man is 40 and single it is because he chose to put other things (work, play, hunting, nintendo, gambling, drinking ...) ahead of making time with someone special.

I am aware that the same could be said for me.
In my 20s, my career was definitely ahead of the men I met. But I'm over that now... and a man should be too. Now is the time for him to be established and unafraid of sharing his life.

My friend told me yesterday that I am single by choice.
That I've broken up with as many men as have broken up with me. That's probably true.
But what is also true is... I've never dated a man who wanted to be with me more than he wanted to do anything else.

Okay, maybe there were two guys who did... but the rest of their values didn't really match up with mine.

So here I am... weeks away from 40 - and I've never been truly loved. I've never been with someone who wants to share life with me.
There were two, maybe three guys who thought about marrying me - but none of them asked.
And I'm officially an old maid. Just as damaged as the men I'm meeting and will meet from here on out.

I truly don't understand why God wants me to be alone.
He did not make us to live life alone.

My widowed, church pew sharing friend told me, "God asks, 'Why are you lonely? You have Me."
While I do believe God wants us to turn to Him and allow Him to fill us up, and fill all our needs... I still think what she said is phooey... If God expected us to fill our lives ONLY with Him, He would not have made Eve for Adam. God intended for us to share our lives - for that is how we experience His love.

I can only think that I am going about this life thing... totally wrong.
I am crying frequently.

For the record; I'm not crying about McTwitchy. Not one tear for him. I'm just so sad that I'm still so alone. The tears are for my loneliness. Surrounded by friends or not, I'm lonely.

Speaking of Helping People Get What They Need

I get my work schedule for next week today. (for the part-time job that supplements unemployment) Next week starts on Sunday. It's pretty lousy to have such short notice about your Sunday plans.

I usually have to work on Sundays. The manager is kind enough to schedule me after I can attend Mass.
This Sunday there are two events that I'd like to attend instead of work. When I asked the manager if I could get Sunday off, he said I'd have to find someone from another store to fill in - because our staff is too small to fill the gap. So basically, I'm scheduled unless I find someone to cover.

I'll be making phone calls this afternoon but I don't have high hopes. I anticipate hearing excuses like, "That's my only day with my family." and I respect that.

I want to say, "I understand, but I'm single and I have no one. I spend my free time during the week alone because all the other grown-ups are at work. Then on the weekends, I have to work. This would be the first Sunday in 5 months that I can socialize."

Really, it's only 5 hours that they won't have with their family. They'll see them when they get home and they will still love them. They still get to tuck their kids into bed, and go to bed with their spouse.

For me... it's five hours that I get to spend with someone who isn't me... and isn't a customer. Possibly meet my future husband!

Wish me luck! I have a feeling I'll still be working on Sunday.

Little Things

I have a friend who is going through a very rough time.
Relationships are ending as babies are being born and it is entirely overwhelming for her. We have an understanding right now. When she calls, I answer.

In fact, one day I was on the phone with my friend in D.C. when this friend called. I let it go to voicemail. Then my land line rang and I let it go to voicemail too. Seconds later my cell rang again. I looked at my phone to see that it was this special friend and told my D.C. friend, "____ just rang for third time in a row. I need to see what it is. I'll call you back."

Next thing I knew, I was on my way to her house while I called my D.C. friend back saying, "If you tell a mother of two children under 20 months to call you if she needs anything... she will!"

I happily do what I can to help her. Incidentally, I am also Godmother to both of her children.
Sometimes I think that God arranged for me to be unemployed right now so that I can be available to help her through the toughest time of her life.

A couple weeks ago she confided in me that she felt broken. My heart ached for her.
I thought to send her an uplifting card for mother's day, considering her kids are too small to acknowledge the day. Then I thought it would be nice to get her other friends to do the same.
A mass email went out.
One friend offered to start a meal delivery schedule.
It was beautiful!

Today she called to thank me for that. She told me that the meals are much appreciated as she just can't make it grocery store more than once every 2 -3 weeks.

Then I felt shame. In fact the last time I was at the store I thought about her, thought about calling her... and did nothing.

"Okay sister, the next time I'm at the grocery store, I'm calling you. You need to tell people that!"

Because how hard is it to pick up a few more things and swing by her house? I know she'll write a check for me on the spot. It's a small favor.

I'm sharing this just as a small reminder to think about what the people in your life need.
Do you know an overwhelmed mom who could use a bag of groceries delivered to her house? How about an elderly, widowed man or woman who could use a ride to the grocery store and an hour's company?

It might seem like we can't fit these little favors in ... but we can. A quick call, "I'm heading to the store. Do you need anything or can I pick you up on the way?"

They may not even take you up on it - but just being asked lets them know they are thought of and cared for.

In fact, I'd like to make this some sort of a fixture in my church community. We don't do well enough to serve people around here.
It only takes a spark.

My Big Gaping Hole

I sent my mom a vibrant orange and fuchsia bouquet for Mother's Day. She seldom receives flowers, (dad's not the type) so I knew that would be a hit.

But I didn't get to see her. A quick phone call before she went to bed Saturday night in a different time zone and that was the extent of the festivities.

Then, I woke up Sunday morning and checked Faceb00k to find dozens of Mother's Day greetings between spouses... gratitude for children from all the mommies I know. It actually hurt my feelings.

You know, that punched-in-the-gut feeling, like when - at my last job - every time I looked out the window from my desk I saw stay-at-home-mommas pushing strollers past my office... and it felt like they were rubbing it in. "Look at me, I have everything you want. I husband, a house and babies. Neener, neener."

I made sure to toss a hanky in my purse as I left for church.

Cringing, I anticipated Fr. Awkward's standard Mother's Day homily.
He's sweet to include all women as Mothers... but it actually hurts more. Yes, I am given the gifts of motherhood. I have maternal tendencies which are a blessing from my creator. But that doesn't make up for the fact that I don't have children and probably never will. I prayed he wouldn't say it again.

Before Mass my regular pew-mate, a trim, beautiful and stylish 60-something widow, settled in next to me. "How are you?" she asked with genuine friendship. I could only shake my head and let the waterworks start. I explained that I was hurting because I so want a family. Even just a two-person family, me and a husband.

In an attempt to console she said, "That's not the only vocation."
Because I like her, I resisted socking her in the mouth.

I cried all through Mass.I cried for my eternal loneliness and for my friend's recent miscarriage - making this her first, sad Mother's Day. My hanky was soaked.

My widow friend leaned over and said, "Sometimes church is the loneliest place on Earth."
I nodded my agreement.


Then I went to work at the portrait studio to photograph other people's families - and a special session for a ripe, expectant mother - my specialty.I turned numb to keep from crying, so I was not my lively self.

Her husband asked if we were busy that day.
"Yes." I said, "It's Mother's Day. It's lousy."
"Are you a mother?" he asked.
"No." I replied, "That's why it's lousy."

His confused expression combined with his foreign accent told me he didn't understand. In his culture, you marry. You just do. He must have determined that I suffer from infertility.

The maternity session was my last appointment of the day. I went to my car and the tears flowed heavily. My cell phone rang and I squeaked a greeting. My friend heard my tears, and told me she was calling to see if I wanted to go for a walk. I squeaked out a yes and agreed to meet her at my place.

I know the Holy Spirit put me in her heart!! She came with flowers from her yard and a loving hug and just let me cry.It hurts that people just expect a person to be married with children. Like it just happens.
And that if I haven't done so - I must have chosen it.
I've heard people say they don't understand those that want a relationship... so... have a relationship! They say. What's so hard?

And I just don't know. Why is it hard for some of us? Why is it elusive when those who say such things just fall into it and don't understand why it doesn't work out for the rest of us?

Lord. That hurts. It suggests that there must be something wrong with me.

Once, while chatting with a young hairstylist as she fixed my hair for an event... she asked if I had children.
"No."
I said it with shock as if it must be obvious I don't have children. Don't you see the gaping hole? Don't you see the missing piece? It's so obvious to me. I can't believe you don't see it.

"Do you want children?"
Yes. Of course."
Then why haven't you had any?"
I'm not married.
Which I could tell in her life experience was no excuse. Women have babies all the time whether they want one or not.

Now, as I approach my 40th birthday - I wish I'd been more irresponsible.

What hurts the most is that people don't see my big gaping hole.
If I were a widow, they would acknowledge my loss. If I were going through an ugly divorce, they would offer help. If I lost a child, they would cry with me.

But because I have not lost - I am expected to buck up and not feel pain.

I am here to tell you - never having hurts as badly as losing.
It may hurt in a different way. But it hurts in the exact same place.

Photo credits: me :-)

Whoa. Now That's Weird!

So I'm sitting here eating corn chips and white queso dip. The type of thing I usually can't stop eating. How do you stop eating chips before finding the bottom of the bag?

I'm not feeling guilty about it.

Remember when McTwitchy asked if I weighed less now than the first time he met me, and that I wasn't really even bothered by it?
There is something about my size, my natural size that makes people think I've lost weight even when I've gained weight. I'm just a tiny person (even though I think I'm normal.) I don't realize how small I am until I see myself in a photo with others. Suddenly I look as if in miniature. It's sort of weird.
So I just chalk it up to people forgetting that I'm tiny and when they see me again after some time apart - even if I'm at my biggest - they think I'm tiny.

The week after Easter, a friend's sister was in town and I ran into them at church. She exclaimed how thin I was and cautioned, "Don't lose any more."

Whatever. I reasoned that the last time she saw me, was around the time McTwitchy first saw me - and I have returned to my normal weight since then.

Today I went to my Chiropractor, who when she laid eyes on me for the first time in two months asked if I had lost weight.
I said I didn't really know as I don't own a scale.
She asked if my clothes fit the same, and I couldn't make a determination there either because I haven't worn my spring clothes all winter!

After my adjustment she indicated a room with a scale. I stepped on and waited for the numbers to settle, fully expecting my regular weight to appear... and shocked when it came up four pounds short!!

Yikes.
I asked her assistant if that scale was accurate and she assured it was. When I told her my discrepancy she said, "Oh that's good!"

I'm not so sure it is.
Sure, people lose four pounds in two months... but they are usually trying to lose.
I normally don't fluctuate more than 2 pounds either direction.

Funny thing... I told Kikr who shared that she recently lost four pounds as well!
True friend. We wear the same size and have noticed that we even gain and lose weight at the same time.

I figure now is the time to work on my muscle mass. Usually it's frustrating to try to tone up, and gain weight in the process because you are building muscle. This way, I get the best of both - get my weight and my shape back to where they need to be.

Make Out Hair - The Bliss Continues!

What is it about make-out hair? Something about tousling around with a partner makes your hair look fantastic in the morning. Something a good night's sleep never does!

So, um... it was an entire month between dates with McTwitchy. I wondered if he was just placating me with another date before he told me it wasn't going to work because he's just too busy. (My friends ask me if I was mad - or if he apologized for not seeing me. Neither. I choose not to make a big deal out of it because what guy likes that girl?) In fact, on our date I felt that being with him just wasn't the same.

I sensed the end. I even asked him if he was okay. This caught him off-guard, and then he cursed the fact that he is so easy to read.

Later he told me what was on his mind. He's concerned about not being available. He wants to be available. His business demands much of his time, because that is what he allows. He knows he has lost relationships over it... and he wants that pattern to end.

I am just impressed that we had that conversation.
I'm dating a grown-up!
And a great kisser, by the way!

Oh, and I realize from other bits of conversation... like how he took the weekend to visit a friend in need - and that he offered for me to borrow his laptop in the event I would need it for a job interview/training - and some other random niceness - that he is like me. (does that sound like I'm patting myself on the back? It's not meant to.) It occurred to me that my proclivity to offer help whenever needed, drop everything for a friend who needs a hand, loan possessions, etc -- and suddenly, I realized - so does he! Warms my heart.