Agency - A Review

Ooh... how exciting... my first requested review!

Funny how this blog world works... I'm connected to the author of this book through one bloggy friend, Erin Annie - and one real life friend, the author's sister Keli!  (Erin Annie is a real life friend now too!)

So, it's not too awkward that I won a free copy of the book from Erin Annie's blog give-away is it?

I don't care. I love free stuff. I love good books. And I love any mutual friend of my friends, real life, bloggy or otherwise!

Now for the review!

This is a fiction based on reality. Semi-autobiographical?
Shantal was a fashion model in her college years and I'm guessing into her 20s, perhaps beyond. What we all typically think of as a glamorous career, tended to conflict with the beliefs of her Mormon (LDS) upbringing.
In Agency, the story is lifted from her actual experience, but because it is fiction she can take some liberties, maybe add some juicy details and probably tell some stories that she might not otherwise tell!
If that's not intriguing enough to pique your interest... well then, you're nothing like me.
I loved reading it just for the ability to wonder what was truth and what was fiction!!

The book tells the story of fictional Michelle Campbell, a smart, beautiful college girl working her way through school in the late 1980s.  A mentor suggests modeling as a way to earn money for college.

It's the sort of story I like to immerse myself in. I become the main character for a week or two - so when I read a chapter or two before bedtime, I became a young beauty who turns heads, and attracts the terribly attractive, godly man I've been looking for my whole life! All the while she's pursuing modeling, he's pursuing her.

She's not sure she has what it takes to model, but finds that it's fun and eventually lucrative.  Additionally, the modeling world, even in Utah, provides access to an exciting world and culture unlike her sheltered upbringing. That's the opening for conflict in the story, along with Michelle's desire to get an education and make something of herself rather than marry young and start popping out babies.

Personally, I remember that ambition, but it was hard to tap into while reading, because my ambitions have since changed dramatically. It was the big 80s -- hair was big, shoulder pads were big... careers were big.  I too, wanted to have a career and then have babies, preferably with a man who was going to be Mr. Mom to my Diane Keaton/ Baby Boom character. Now, in my old age (okay, it's just middle age) I'm screaming at Michelle's character... "TAKE THE MAN!  TAKE THE WONDERFUL, COMMITTED, GORGEOUS, FAITHFUL MAN!!!  You'll never find one of these again! You're lucky to have found him at all!!!"

All the same, I enjoyed every page of the book, even when yelling at the main character.

My only negative issue is that while the book was set in the 1980s the author sometimes makes references that don't fit the time period - for example, name-dropping designers who weren't household names until much later... and referring to skinny jeans, which is a 2010-present reference. In the 80s, everybody's jeans (with the exception of mom jeans) were tight enough to cut off circulation, they were called Levi's 501's!  And who knows, in the fashion world, perhaps those designer names were up-and-coming to those in the know.
Even so, that's rather picky of me, considering the book wasn't written as a period piece.  But, in the interest of full disclosure, I'm the kind of person that gets irritated when the characters on Downton Abbey utter terms outside of the colloquialisms of their era. Other people don't even notice, but it's a bugaboo of mine!

The final verdict is, Agency is a fun, interesting read. There's enough drama and a touch of suspense wondering how her career is going to go versus how her relationship is going to go... with plenty of tension in other relationships due to Michelle's moody nature.
There is also a thread explaining the LDS faith and culture where it factors in, dispelling myths.

You can learn more about the book and the writing process from the author, Shantal Hiatt here and here. And buy the book here! 

Congratulations Shantal!  Great job!

A Little Bit of Laughter in My Life

Okay, it's been four dates with Mr....  ah... Mr... hmm guess I'll call him Mr. Accent for now. Because his accent just makes me smile.  Heck, it's not even that, he makes me smile and I think everything he does is cute... but when I remember it all I hear it in his accent.

It really ought to be more than four dates by now, but we have opposite work schedules and by opposite... I work during the day Monday through Friday and he works at night including weekend nights.  That combined with when he has his kids, we can only see each other on Saturdays.  And we've had to skip two Saturdays due to scheduling conflicts.  Yeesh.

I really don't know if this could be a lasting relationship or not. Seriously, my dad would roll over in his grave knowing I'm dating a 'foreigner'!!
But the honest truth is, I haven't had this much fun dating anyone in a really long time.
When we hang out, it's all joking and teasing each other, sharing stories and laughing.

The highlight for me so far, last Friday we were texting to arrange our Saturday date.  Once we were settled, he shot me one more text saying, "I want to hear you laugh."

Can I tell you, those were the sweetest words, which got a big smile from me.  See, I have what some people call an obnoxious laugh. Those are the people who don't like me. I know a true friend right away, when someone says they like my laugh.  There is no in between - you either love it or hate it!  (In fact, even Mr. Burns had a shaky relationship with my laugh - you know, I laugh, he rolls his eyes. There's a clue.)   But Mr. Accent can't wait to make me laugh just so he can hear it.
10,000 points for Mr. Accent!

It probably helps that we share the same sense of humor. Which I find remarkable considering we grew up on separate continents!

In fact, we share another idiosyncrasy that has to do with memory.  I tend to word-associate. If I'm trying to think of A... I need to remember B in order to remember A.   He was trying to tell me what town something was in, and named a town to the north, telling me that wasn't it. At first I couldn't imagine what town he was thinking of... then he said, "It has to do with the town ______." which is a town to the east.  I immediately said the name of the town he meant, which is actually opposite... to the west!   And we both knew how we knew! Because when you want to get on the interstate to go either east or west,  the sign for the exit lists both of those towns. So if you mean C, say D.

Oh well, that was probably boring for you.  But the gist of the story is, I'm really enjoying getting to know Mr. Accent.  But with so little time together, it's been hard to get to know more about him.  Since he's generally awake when I'm asleep, and visa versa, we don't chat on the phone. And if we're awake at the same time, he has his kids who are small and need his attention.   Any advice there?

There Is No Pleasing Me

This year, I'm making an effort to spend more time with Jesus.
Every Thursday, I go to Eucharistic Adoration and just sit with the Lord.

It's an interesting experience, and being that I'm lousy at prayer, I sometimes sit and read a devotional (there are some lovely writings out there to reflect on) and sometimes I just sit and go through my stream of consciousness with my Jesus. I let Him know what is on my mind, who I'm thinking of, and prayers I want to share but honestly don't make time for throughout the rest of the week.

So at last week's visit, as I shared my stream of consciousness with my savior, I asked Him why there weren't more Godly men in the world, in MY world. Why, Dear Jesus, can't there be a man for me who just turns up at Mass or even Eucharistic Adoration, and is brave enough to talk to me as I walk out?

This expectation is similar to my consternation that the airlines can't arrange for an attractive, available single man to be my seat mate every time I get on a plane! Never happens. It's always some old dude, or someone with a wedding ring! Then I'm perplexed that the man next to me wearing a wedding ring doesn't start thinking of the loads of single men he knows to introduce to me! Why, he ought to be texting an eligible friend to meet him at baggage claim at our destination, to meet me, before our plane even takes off!

But I digress.

As I finish my time with the Lord, I get up, genuflect, and walk to the back of the chapel to leave.  As I do, the man that I saw in the back gets up to leave too.
He stops me in the entryway (outside of the chapel) and asks me in very broken English where I work. That's an odd opener, but I give him a vague answer. I have an even harder time understanding him ask if I've ever had a stone massage. Again, a very odd segue but massage is one of my favorite things, so I engage.
All the while he is struggling to make conversation, I'm growing increasingly uncomfortable. Turns out he's a massage therapist and he hands me his card. I use the opportunity to rave about my current massage therapist so that he gets the idea that I'm not going to call him.

We walk outside together and I hustle to my car, tossing a 'nice to meet you' over my shoulder.

Then I think, "God, You're not really putting an odd, hairy, little guy that I can't even understand in my path when I ask why You can't just place a good eligible, faithful man in the same church I'm asking the question... are You?"

If so, I guess there just is no pleasing me!

A Man With A Plan

I have a second date. Doesn't seem like that should warrant an announcement... but let's face it. It does.

Too soon to know how I feel about this guy except for the fact that I most certainly had fun with him when I first met him.

What I do like, REALLY like, is that he's a man with a plan.  As we were planning our first meeting, he told me when we should meet and presented me with three options for our date.  Three options! Not just options... but three very active, very fun options. All I had to do was pick!

For our second date, he told me where he wanted to take me and once we could agree on a schedule he told me which movie we were going to see.

I was a bit surprised to realize that I loved that!
On one hand, we might like to think that we don't a man to make decisions for us. That's true in some cases. But on the other hand, the take-charge element is very attractive.

Considering the reasoning for some time, I eventually realized that I appreciate it because...  as a woman who has been single My. Whole. Life., every decision that has ever needed to be made has been made by me and by only me for the past 20+ years! How refreshing to have someone make a decision and all I have to do is show up!!
Ahhh!

It also reminded me of a past relationship in which my guy was always asking me to plan what to do and where to go.
On the surface, it seems thoughtful that he wants my opinion.  In reality, it was simply more proof that he couldn't commit to anything! Worse yet, it relieved him of any responsibility. If we didn't enjoy it, if we didn't like the food.... he was off the hook and if blame were to be assigned... well, guess who he can blame?

Upon further consideration, it was a bit of a manipulation. Not only was he not responsible for any plans, and relieved of culpability... it was a ruse for acting like my opinion was valued - but  became transparent when my suggestion was dismissed as something we would not both enjoy.

As that relationship ended, I became more vocal about my displeasure.
Me: "Geez, I wish you could make a decision once in a while!"
Him (defensively) : "I didn't know I was failing so badly at that."
Me: "Why would I care where we eat?! Due my food restrictions, there's only two dishes at any given restaurant that I can have. What the heck do I care? A salad is a salad anywhere! When I DO state a preference, you shoot it down."

So, this new guy, who makes plans with the intention of just getting know me, and to delight me? Yeah, that's pretty cool.  And I told him so.

(Among other things revealed on our second date, was that he hasn't dated much in quite a while. I think that actually plays a part in it. It males him a little more old-fashioned about it.)

My Life As A Baggage Handler

One of the most unfortunate things about dating as an adult (obviously our 20s don't count) is dealing with baggage.

His baggage. Her baggage. Single for 40 years baggage. Recently divorced baggage.

It's particularly difficult when the people involved want to be honest and forthright. I mean, let's be real, it comes up. What's the best way to handle it?

I think the easy answer is, "Not on the first date!"

I recently met a nice man, exactly my age, whom I got to know on a dating site. He's divorced with a child in grade school.  I was excited that he's a serious Catholic and a family man.

We met for coffee, and conversation flowed naturally. But, before I knew it he was telling me about the difficulties, nay complications, of his divorce! Horrible accusations made by his wife regarding the well-being of their child. The sort of thing that you hope no man is capable of.  And although he asserted his innocence and told me that he had been cleared of the accusations... I am still left to wonder what the truth is. Was he innocent or did he just have the better attorney?

See. The thing is, I don't know him well enough to judge his character or determine his honesty. At this point, he had even robbed me of that luxury.

In addition, he told me about something he had engaged in while in the military. Something I am sure many of our troops engage in, when they find themselves in countries where it's common. Something I would hope my husband would never participate in, before or after me. But there it is.

Would I have accepted this as part of his past if I had been given a chance to grow to love him?
Maybe. Maybe not.

In his defense, he said he felt he should put all this upfront, rather than date for a few months and find out it's a deal breaker.
I see his point.  But my point is - give me a chance to get to know you and like you before you ask me to carry your baggage.

At the airport, once you've passed security - they remind you not to leave your bag with anyone you don't know - and not to accept items from people you don't know.  They have your safety and security in mind.
Quite frankly, upon a first meeting we don't know one another well enough to even watch the other's bags while they go to the restroom!

What he did was like asking me to take his baggage before even clearing security.
At least then I could be confident there were no explosives or weapons.

What Do Single People Need from the Church?

Oh, so many things I want to write about and share with you... my bloggy friends.
My apologizies for the recent neglect of this blog.

However, of all the things I would like to address here... this blog/column from the National Catholic Register hits so many points... especially in the comments section!
I feel like I just want everyone to read it!

What Do Single People Need from the Church

Would you?
And if you would be so kind, come back here and share your thoughts.
and if so, kindly discern your age range and religious affiliation.
(have something up my sleeve that we should all enjoy)

Thanks, and Happy Post Singles Awareness Day!!!

Then They Came For Me

I really want to write about the controversy over the mandated contraception and sterilization ruling as determined by Health and Human Services - but I'm a bit overwhelmed by my rage over the situation.

(Which really frustrates me because I want to be timely)  Partly, I feel like I just can't articulate my thoughts on the subject as well as I would like - and the other part is, I'm just so tired.

Here's the nutshell. The O-God-Help-Us Administration has ruled that every employer in America, including Catholic institutions, must provide contraception, sterilization and abortion-inducing drugs in their company health plans. Even if doing so violates their conscious. (it does).

Set aside for a moment that this is about contraception. Not everyone is ever going to agree with the Church's position on contraception, so let's not argue about that.  What this is REALLY about is religious freedom. Bishop Timothy Dolan, President of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops says it best in the video link which I have partially quoted below;

"Never before has the Federal Government forced individuals and organizations to go out into the marketplace and buy a product that violates their conscience. This shouldn't happen in a land where free exercise of religion ranks first in the bill of rights. How about letting our elected leaders know we want religious liberty and rights of conscience restored."

This ruling is a direct, obvious and blatant violation of the first amendment which states that Congress shall make no law prohibiting the free exercise of religion.

Even if you're not Catholic... if you believe in God and seek to serve Him at all... you should be concerned about this ruling. Because, if it stands, your beliefs are next.

A few months ago I said that our government was going to set out to destroy religious freedom. I predicted that they would go after Mormonism first, and the Catholics would be next. Seems the attention has flipped. You should know that I would gladly stand in defense of my Mormon friends should their fundamental beliefs be under attack.

I'm taking a bit of the easy way out here... and I'm going to link to some already well-written pieces about it. Hopefully I can dig up some writing inspiration in the next few days and come back to this post and do better.

Here is my area Bishop's thoughts on the ruling.

The Bad Catholic hit a home run as usual with his Open Letter to President O-God-Help-Us Concerning Recent Tyranny

We could only hope this unconstitutional ruling will be overturned.

And lastly, I ask for your help to write to the president and to your state representatives to repeal this ruling. I'm asking all of you Protestants out there who recognize this as an attack on religious freedom, to stand with your Catholic friends against this.  If you need further convincing, please read Shoved to Them's Call to Arms.  She provides links to contacts. If you would like a form letter to work from, contact me at Singlesolitarythings@yahoo.com, and I will send you a letter composed by a friend of mine.

Thank you for letting me address this. You know that I don't set out to preach on this blog, but our religious freedom is too precious to ignore.

This quote from Martin Niemoller, a foe of Hitler and Nazi rule is sounding quite relevant in our modern times, isn't it?

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out -
Because I was not a Socialist.
Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out -
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out -
Because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for me -
and there was no one left to speak for me.

image above borrowed from National Catholic Register

Economic Impact

Last night I made an effort to watch the St@te of the Uni*n address. I think the fact that I fell asleep through the better part of it is irrelevant... I was tired.

So, although I heard him address unemployment, and assume he tackled the economy while I napped - I can't be sure if he tied them together appropriately... the tragic result of the insane unemployment rate combined with the cruddy economy equals something even the smartest pundits and candidates have yet to comprehend....  it's absolutely killing dating!

I'm not kidding.

Either I am especially attracting men who are underemployed or unemployed, or it IS an epidemic.  Or both.  (I think both.)

Part of the attraction may be the fact that I've suffered through both unemployment and underemployment myself and I know what a blow to the ego it is. If it broke me emotionally, just imagine what it does to men.
Men who have been raised and trained to understand that they need to have good jobs, make money, climb the ladder - they've been told that women expect it (somehow at the same time the feminists were hollering about women not needing men - thanks crazies!) 


Based on a basic understanding of sociology and my own experience, I understand that men have a very difficult time even trying to date while suffering the blow to the ego that is working a job beneath their experience level and or pay grade. They feel like less of a man, which they shouldn't - legitimate unemployment (especially in this day and age) should not be considered a mark against one's character. It happens to the best of us. It happens to all of us. (it really does, if it hasn't happened to you yet - you're lucky lucky lucky!)

More importantly, it's impacting MY dating life.
Sweet Mr. Hometown Boy had his job cut to part-time months before we met. He took on a part-time retail job to compensate but of course it doesn't make up the difference. He is stressed, and a little embarrassed and we can't make a date because he feels he must take the random extra hours he's offered when someone else blows off their shift.  He's responsible like that.

Here's the one guy in MONTHS - almost a year's worth of them, that I actually like, am actually attracted to and makes me laugh with his goofy-like-me sense of humor... and after many lengthy, enjoyable phone calls (after our first date) I don't think he's going call again. He's too stressed out by his financial problems and his employment status to properly date. Even though he knows I understand and do not judge him.

When a man feels like less of a man, he just doesn't have it in him to woo a lady, no matter how interested he is - and especially if he's interested.
And Hometown Boy isn't the only one, McTwitchy suffered the same affliction... and a few years back there was a very handsome guy I had a crush on who was working at the local hardware store while between jobs in a very lucrative field.  I ran into him a year ago, and he finally explained about it - but still didn't ask me out! Bah!

This is why our government really has to take unemployment seriously!
It's impacting my dating life. And that's just wrong.

Online Weeding ... er .... Dating

It occurs to me that as much as we all are different... we all expect different things in online dating.

I have a friend who is much younger - early to mid 20s - who is annoyed that guys send her messages through the online dating service. She thinks that if they are interested they should just call her.

Now, I would be creeped out of my mind to get an unexpected phone call from some random guy who only knows I exist because of my online profile!  So I encourage her to respond to their inquiries and move forward from there.

On the plane back home from Christmas vacation, I sat next to a nice young man, and our conversation turned to our experiences in online dating. I told him that I realized it's more complicated than it seems, because I make a lot of snap decisions based on profile pictures.
If the only pictures they have are self-portriats in the bathroom mirror - I pass. It tells me he doesn't have any friends. That he hasn't even been to a party or a wedding in the past two years!

"The only thing worse," I said, "are the guys who take their picture in the bathroom mirror..." "...with their shirts off!" my seat mate finished for me, agreeing.  They are looking for hook ups, and have little more than their abs to offer, I concluded.

I recently met a guy from my last dating site who told me that his strategy is to just contact the women who are online while he is online. I found that very odd, and told him that when men IM me while I'm online, I tend to assume they're looking for a hook-up/booty call - and I ignore them.

So, OH MY WORD! If there are these sorts of miscommunications, misunderstandings and mixed signals how on earth does anyone ever meet?!??!

I nearly missed meeting Hometown boy because he wasn't up for making conversation via the dating site email.  I'm typically frustrated that many men want to get right to meeting or right to the phone calls.  It feels, to me, like they're rushing it. I want to know that we have something in common, that he can carry on a conversation... before I go to all the trouble of picking out an outfit and fixing my hair and makeup to go on a meeting date!  I guess I want some guarantee of success! Or I'm just lazy!

With Hometown boy, I noticed his resistance and was slightly annoyed. I thought I'd help him out by asking him questions (via email) about some things we had in common. He later told me that he felt like I was putting him on the spot. I finally understood his perspective when we had our first phone conversation, and it took him a while to warm up but once he was comfortable - we were clicking pretty well.

Because I am a communicator by nature, a writer, a talker and a reader... I sort of expect everyone to operate the same as I do.  Hometown boy made me realize differently.

Another man who wanted to meet without, what I considered, a suitable initial email exchange, responded back rather gruffly that he wasn't looking for a pen pal.

Still another wanted to meet without an introductory phone call - which goes against my not meeting ex-cons rule (I'm looking for the link to that story) and I finally said good riddance to him.

Oh, and the anti-pen pal guy also took issue with what he called my lengthy profile writing (which, by the way, wasn't any longer than his - the difference being that I provided information about my values and interests and he instead, logged a series of one-liners) which leads us to the assumption that "Nobody Reads the Profiles Anyway."

I read the profiles.  Of course I do.


And if he says he's separated, not divorced... I delete.
If he says he's spiritual but not religious... I delete.

Let's do a little informal survey here... and tell me what conclusions you draw about certain actions.
I'm thinking of doing a series of posts that we could share with men - to open communication and to perhaps make it easier on all of us.

In Defense of Tim Tebow

Whew, this is long. My apologies in advance.

I'm about as far from a football fan as you could imagine. I just barely understand the game. The finer details of the sport are lost on me - but I get the gist.

These season though, I've been a bit more interested. I give the credit to my interest to Bronco's quarterback Tim Tebow. I couldn't ignore it if I wanted to. There are articles upon articles about why people love him or hate him. About his fourth quarter comebacks, his wild throwing style (or something - I don't even know what that means!) And obviously about how he wears his faith on his sleeve.

But because I live in Denver, home of the Broncos, the topic of Tebow comes up a lot. The men I meet tell me what they think about him, and ask my opinion. Kind of like a religious litmus test.

One date told me, in the first 12 minutes of my meeting him, "I love Tim Tebow. He's great, heck I'd marry the guy! But I don't like all his religious posturing."

Another date was more blunt. "I hate Tim Tebow. I don't understand why he gets so much attention." he continued, pointing out more details of the Tebow effect.

It's obvious to me that those who dislike him are bothered by his outward signs of his faith in God.
At the start of any interview, he thanks his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
This REALLY bothers people.

Some point out that they think it's silly to think that God cares about a football game.

MY DEFENSE: Well, God cares about what we care about. But no, I don't think God is pulling strings on the outcome of the game like the SNL skit suggests. I do think it's important to point out that no Christian or Catholic football player is reaching out to God for a win.... rather, they are thanking God for the talent and the ability to play well and avoid injury. 

Then Tebowing became a verb. The action of taking a knee, and striking a contemplative pose.

This action seems to have taken the place of his making the sign of the cross, for which he also took heat. The critics even nag about him pointing skyward (which really only looks like the "Number One" sign.)  

Another guy I met complained that Tebow is using these gestures to look pious and get attention.

MY DEFENSE: I imagine that when young Timmy played high school and college football, he made a habit of either crossing himself or pointing heavenward, to thank his heavenly father for his talent and concentration. Back then it was probably no big deal, since it's preferable to showboating. But then, when it was obvious he was going to be a highly ranked draft pick, and TV network cameras showed up to document the start of his career -- well, people started asking questions and forming opinions about his actions and about his intent.
Those opinions turned into criticisms. But what was he supposed to do? If he dropped these actions, he'd get criticism about changing himself to fit the mold that other people want. He continues, and gets criticism for constantly drawing attention to his faith. 

He can't win this battle. If he did these things before the media frenzy, if he quits, people will attack him for caving to pressure. 

I suspect that the stance we now know as "Tebowing" was an effort on his part to take a reflective moment in an inconspicuous way. Then some reporters asked what that was about and he's honest enough to tell them - so the media jumps all over that too. I give the man credit for being who he is, sticking to his convictions and not caving into the pressure to conform to what makes everyone else comfortable. 

A few years back there was a lot of discussion about NFL players showboating in the end zone after a touchdown. Silly, funky little dances, sometimes amounting to beating their chests like primitive man slaying a wooly mammoth for food. I've never liked excessive celebration in sports, although I think a little happy jig never hurt anybody. (I partake in the occasional happy dance myself, thanks.)


Excessive celebration, on the other hand, amounts to grabbing the glory. Making the touchdown should be enough. Punctuating it with a fist pump or a big smile is fine, but when a player beats his chest and points to himself in celebration, it is, to me all about the glory. I think it's ugly to focus the glory on oneself. By pointing heavenward, I see Tebow making a small gesture that gives the glory to God - which I think is much more appropriate.

So when people get all spun up and complain that Tim Tebow shouldn't be bringing God to the NFL  football field, I point out that everyone's okay with another player taking the glory for himself, but giving the glory to God is frowned upon?  That is messed up.

It shows what a religious-phobic society ours has become. (just look to the current presidential campaign for more proof.)

If Tim Tebow is held out as an example of a godly man (and I don't know that he is - I only know what I've read.)  and can show our phobic society that religion doesn't make one a freak - then I'm behind him.

He's a target. All of the attention is attributed to the media just waiting for him to mess up. Fifty cameras a day just waiting for him to drop the F-bomb, or get in a fight, or uncover a child out of wedlock...  God forbid someone sees him with a girl on a beach vacation!

Still other critics complain that he's not that smart. That he says the same thing over and over in every interview. 

MY DEFENSE: Well, no kidding. First of all, he's young and yet to get in his groove for dealing with the media. But remember, if there's a microphone in front of his face there are millions of people just waiting for him to say the wrong thing. Waiting for any one thing that they can twist or spin to point to just so they can say, "See, it was all an act. No one can truly dedicate themselves to God and live a 'normal' life."

Tebow has set his own standard, because there are millions of people waiting to knock him off of some imaginary pedestal. It's hard to stand up for Christ when you're facing the scorn of the secular world.

Luke 6:22 - 23

22“Blessed are you when men hate you, and ostracize you, and insult you, and scorn your name as evil, for the sake of the Son of Man. 23“Be glad in that day and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven. 

The most divisive issue, is the complaint that he talks about God every chance he gets. And I will say, I understand the sentiments of overkill. This is the one area where I think he might be better served to choose his audience, choose his opportunities to spread the word of God, lest he become like a noisy gong or clanging symbol. I think we know from experience that if people think they can predict what you're going to say, they're going to tune it out. (refer to noisy gong here.)

But, if he feels it's part of his mission do so, he will deal with the criticism.  Maybe the secular world's idea of overkill is exactly what the secular world needs right now.

What irritates me about the hate directed at Tebow's faith-filled actions, is that everyone blames young Tim instead of realizing that it's the media circus that is making a show of it.  I really think Tebow is pretty subtle about it, if it weren't for all the cameras.

Recently, I learned that there is a prayer circle on the field after EVERY NFL game.

It's something they never show in sports coverage... the players from both teams who choose to participate, kneel on the field praising God with gratitude for their talent and sportsmanship. So hundreds of players have done this after every NFL game for years... and the media largely ignores it - but they aim all their cameras at one Tim Tebow, making an example, and sometimes mockery of him.

God bless him for holding his convictions amid all this pressure!

I say, "Tim, keep doing what you're doing. If you change mid-course they'll eat you alive!"

If more of us could stick with our beliefs and proudly stand by Christ when it gets uncomfortable, or embarrassing or even dangerous.... what a wonderful world this would be! I respect TT for putting it out there, and being an example. Somehow, it's making the game more exciting too!



credits: 1) theatlantic.com  2) http://biblebrowser.com/luke/6-22.htm 3) nowpublic.com

Mister Updates

I suppose it's time for a date update.

The last male mentioned was Mr. Potential.  Woah, that one ended weird. Everything was going nicely, although there was no smoochie time. I mean, there were a few sweet kisses and embraces, but no more.)  I wasn't sure if I was attracted to him - which is a major hang up for me.  I thought he was an attractive man, no doubt.... but I found him small and skinny (I'm speaking of stature... don't get carried away girls!) which had an impact on my 'desire'.  It's all very tricky to anticipate desire when you're abstinent!!!

Even more difficult, trying to explain to a man (even a Catholic man) about your chaste intentions.  Any advice on how to handle that is appreciated.

Back to the story, I was sick for a week - he was busy for the following week... so we didn't see each other - but he hadn't called either. I texted to say I was looking forward to seeing an event he was involved in, he encouraged my presence so I went to see said event and talked with him.  He apologized for his absence, saying he'd have time for me that week - then I never heard from him again.

So weird.

Then, I met a man at my church... (I know! Can you believe it? That NEVER happens!) and we went out a few times.  He's very nice, interesting... but something about him makes me uncomfortable... and it's nothing I can put my finger on. I only know that I'm not real comfortable with him and I have to respect that feeling.

The really difficult part of that is that he hits all the points, 1) he's Catholic and I met him at church 2) he wants to be married - not afraid of it and 3) he introduced me to family members (sibling and in-law and their kids) early on, and was ready to have me for Thanksgiving and to meet his mother when she visited before Christmas.  These are the things I'm always wishing for... but somehow made me a bit uncomfortable.

That really bothers me because for some reason I feel like every guy I like doesn't like me and the ones who like me, I'm not interested in.  Gosh it's so frustrating!

Then, I met another guy online - we'll call him Hometown Boy.  He's from my home state and my alma mater - so when we started talking on the phone we connected pretty easily. We arranged a meeting at one of my favorite places. When I walked in, I saw him standing in the back and thought he was even cuter than his profile pictures, so a smile naturally spread over my face.  When he noticed I was there, and recognized me, he smiled just as broadly.  Good start.

It had snowed a few inches the night before and it was really cold, so as we parted he asked me to call him when I got home to be sure I made it safely.  When I did, we talked for another hour and a half!!

We talked a few more times, and made plans for a little destination trip that I was really looking forward to. His work schedule changed and we had to scrap the evening trip. Then we discussed whether to spend New Years Eve together... and ultimately decided not to.  Since then, I hadn't heard from him aside from a text on New Years day. This confused me greatly, because he MUST like me.  Guys don't talk for hours with girls they're not interested in.  Then finally he called me tonight - just when I thought he fell off the planet. He's a little sloppy about setting up a definite date but I'll blame that on his erratic work schedule - because he did ask, he just didn't make it firm.

So Hometown Boy is still in the running.

In the meantime, I met a couple of other guys from the dating site before my subscription ran out.
One of them seemed to be a contender until he told me that he voted for Obama and would vote for Obama again! I literally set my jaw on the table! Took a few minutes before I could speak!

Then another guy who promptly told me that all of his friends have hated every woman he's ever dated. I could only think he either has terrible taste in women, or he gives his friends too much say over his love life, or his friends are right. Either way, I don't think I'll fit in. I might entertain another date, but that kind of information shouldn't come up on a first meeting! Sheesh!

So that's the update.  Not sure if I've met Mr. Right, but I have certainly met someone interesting.

Visiting a Dear Friend

I did something for the first time today.
Something I've thought about doing for a few years now. There's no good reason I haven't done it before. I can only blame timing, and ignorance and uncertainty.

But tonight after work, and after the gym (not the best case scenario) I went to spend time with Jesus.
I went to Eucharistic Adoration.
This means that body of Christ is on display in a church or in a special side chapel dedicated to adoration - and the church parishioners dedicate themselves to have someone with Christ at all times.  (more in the link) The body of Christ is not to be left alone.

I went to the Garden Chapel of a neighboring church, as my parish doesn't have an adoration chapel.
I didn't know quite what to expect, but I have heard people describe their experience as sitting in the presence of Christ, very peaceful and comforting.

The moment I walked in, I was drawn in by the beautiful monstrance, holding the host. I genuflected, knelt down in a pew and looked at the body of Christ, instantly moved to tears! Here I was, sitting with the Savior of the World, my Lord and Savior! As comfortable as meeting with an old friend. A friend I should see more often.

It was peaceful. We had a conversation.
I asked my God to lead me where He wants me to go. I know I've been pushing for my own way for the past ... I don't know... ALL my years.  That's it. I give up. You show me the way. Please.

When Freedom is Limiting!

I have made some new friends at church... which is, of itself, an answer to prayer.
One couple in particular, is my age, and very engaging.  They are 'pursuing' my friendship, which is very, very cool.

Today, we talked about our New Year's evenings... I went to two parties, one a low-key event at a friend's home - the other, a packed venue with a live band and a handful of friends.

My new friends, by contrast, described a night at home with their kids and an early bedtime. They teased me that they couldn't do the wild partying like I did, because they're married with children. I smirked, then informed them... little do you know, I would rather have the night at home with an early bedtime with my hubby, if only I had a hubby.  I only go out, because I have to - to meet people.
(yes, I know that I can choose to stay home, other options...  this was this year's plan) 

So the husband of the couple, in an effort to ease my burden, pointed out that as a single person, I can do as I wish, without consulting another, and urged me to enjoy that - as long as that is the case.

This kind of pandering usually bugs me, but this guy is sweet, and I knew he was well-intentioned. It was actually kind of cute that he was making the effort.

I explained that I've had plenty of time in my life to do as I wished. To do what I wanted without consulting anyone else. I'm ready to be a part of a team.

He persisted, until his wife (who understood my position better than he did) cast a sideways glance and said, "What are you saying honey?" implying that he was arguing for the single life despite his own married bliss.
First, he briefly attempted to argued that he was consoling me.... and then, realizing his defeat, he put his arm around the mother of his children and said, "Why would anyone want to be single? Yuck."

Ha ha.  I'm really going to like this couple!!

What's Your Game Plan?

Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly low and lonely, it's easy for me to blame my long not-married status on my chastity. (I don't like the term unmarried, I'd have to have been married to be un-married)

When I see those in the world around me sleeping around, or living together or jumping from one sexual relationship to another... it almost seems obvious that I'm likely still single because of my moral standards. I might as well be enjoying myself (and someone else!!) 

Today, something changed my mind irrefutably.

At a casual holiday party, some friends of mine and a woman new to the group were talking about dating, and how it should not be this difficult. How we shouldn't even have made it to this age single.
I said, with exasperation, that I have kissed way more men in my lifetime than I ever should have! As one woman agreed, I concluded, "Thank God I didn't sleep with them all!"

That led a friend to bring up the movie, "What's Your Number".  As the title suggests, the premise is based on the number of sexual partners a woman has, and the thesis purports... that if it's more than 20, she'll never get married because while she's able to attach physically she obviously can't attach emotionally and is therefore doomed to failure.

Our conversation was rather innocent until the newcomer chimed in that, being a 40+ woman, and in the dating pool since she was 18 - she didn't find it too shocking that she's had 30 sexual partners because that factors out to one per year.

First, I'm no math expert, but I think her numbers are off!
Second, I could not disguise my reaction - which was "Ewwww!"

She made note of my reaction, and I tried to make like I wasn't judging her... but ... ewww!
Then she said that most of them occurred in her 20s (as if that dismisses anything!)  I almost said, "Yeah, the three men I slept with happened in my 20s too.  But then I realized that they weren't the marrying kind and changed my game plan."  But I didn't think that would go over well.

Anyway, I've been thinking about it since then... when suddenly it occurred to me... Well obviously, my abstinence isn't holding me back!  I've been abstinent for 14 years and she's been boinking everything in sight... and we're both over 40 and never married.

Frankly, I prefer my path to never-married.

Ewww.

P.S. you know what else? Women like her are the reason so many men of our generation don't get married... they know there's always someone they can boink so there's no need for those types to marry. 

'Til My Heart Finds a Home

There's a radio station in town here that has the funniest guys on their afternoon drive... and the morning show, while a bit annoying is better than the other choices so I was content to leave my dial there and not move around.

I've been listening for a few years now, and not only do their conversation topics seem recycled but they're always talking about people who cheat, have one-night-stands, and other acts that made me continually cynical about society as a whole. It's particularly depressing to think if there are any single men out there... they're certainly not going to be interested in church-going, abstinent, modest little me.  Makes the prospect of finding a suitable husband - or someone I would even care to date in this market - well, next to impossible!

So one day I decided to find the KLove station, and I haven't moved the dial since.
Sure, maybe it's a bit like sticking my head in the sand - but my attitude has improved significantly. At first the "Positive, Encouraging" schtick seemed so Pollyanna - almost annoying. But now, I'm just happy.

My best friend and soulmate, Kikr, also listens to KLove in her city and we enjoy the fact that we are likely listening to the same songs at the same time!  We've talked about our favorites... and usually when I call her, I'm in the car, and by the time her voicemail kicks in - I'm in the middle of a verse of a favorite song and she has to wait for me to sing along to the refrain before I leave her a message! Because she is my soulmate - she LOVES that and is not annoyed.

We talked this weekend and the topic of our current favorite songs came up.  Maybe you've heard about The Story Project... different artists have recorded songs that tell stories from the bible.  The story of Naomi and Ruth is the first release and it's quite beautiful.

I told Kikr that, in listening to that song... she is my Naomi.  She married four years ago, and is still a daily force in my life! She is as invested in me finding a love in my life as I am. Sometimes more!

So I told her that the song reminds me of her - particularly the line that says,

"I'm with you,
Until your heart finds a home,
I won't let you feel alone
I'm with you, I'm with you"

I wanted her to know how blessed I am that even though her life is full, she still has time for me.  She blesses me every day.
She said, "Well, I've got news for you.  When you get married, I'm not going anywhere!"

I was reduced to tears, and with a tinge of shame I admitted that I was worried that I might lose her when her baby comes this spring.
She emphasized that she hasn't forgotten about me since she got married - we both know she's the ONLY one in that category!  Still, I worried that it was too good to be true that she'll have the same time, concern and intimacy with me once the baby arrives.

I am smart enough to realize that maybe we're not waiting until my heart finds a home... rather, perhaps her heart is my home.
It's certainly big enough and I am blessed!

Awkward Pauses

The trouble with Christmas shopping is... everything for me is on sale too! And it's not as if someone is going to surprise me with the things I really want!

I ordered the most fabulous dress last week.  Had my eye on it for a while, but it was sold out. Then when it was restocked, I put it in my online shopping cart and it was gone before I could complete the order!! So when it was restocked yet again... I HAD to buy it. It's just such a perfect dress - appropriate for work and for church and even an evening out with the right accessories.

Am I right or am I right?!

(from Modcloth.com - I do not receive any compensation for mentioning this online store... but I'd be willing if they were offering!! I love love love ModCloth!!) 

Anyway, since it was coming via UPS I had it shipped to work because if they try to deliver to my condo... it takes three exchanges on that silly sticky note to get them to actually leave it for me! Much easier to just send it to work... and then share my excitement with some girls in the office!!

So, the truck comes and there is the box I've been waiting for! Yay! Oh, and it's so pretty... so much nicer even than I expected!

I went to hold the dress up for one of my co-workers to see - and at that moment an older woman from another department steps in, admires the dress and asks, "Where are you going?" indicating that I must have an occasion in mind for this purchase.

I'm dumbstruck. I didn't have an occasion in mind. I just wanted it, knowing it would be timeless, flattering and appropriate almost anywhere. Suddenly, I wondered if I was reckless, selfish, or maybe terribly indulgent.

I manage to stammer out the words... "I just liked it, so I bought it."
That was awkward. 

The woman looks me right in the eye and says, "I never do that. I always get things for my kids or my husband. I never get anything for me."

Um. Wow. Ahhhhhhhh.

Finally, I force a smile and say, "Well, I don't have a husband or kids - so I buy things I like for me. In fact, I still need to attract a husband so it's very important that I look good!"

I desperately wanted out of that conversation so I packed up the dress and went back to my desk. But what I wanted to say was, "Oh, don't be such a martyr! Buy yourself something.  Good Lord woman, your kids are grown - why are you still buying them stuff??!"

Seriously, just last week she was bragging about how wonderful and successful all of her kids are!

I know that moms today take some weird satisfaction about sacrificing EVERYTHING for their kids... which I actually find a bit ridiculous... I mean, yes I know that when the kids need shoes, you as a parent have to wear yours for another season if money is tight... I get that... but I can tell you that my parents never made a fuss about how they had to do without.  As far as I knew we all had everything we needed and much of want we wanted.  We were also told "No." plenty often.

I'm not talking about the difference between a wealthy family and a struggling family.  I'm talking about the odd martyrdom over the whole issue.  Come on, get off the cross... use the wood!

Personally, I don't think it's healthy for a mother to deny herself the little rewards... the everyday things that seem like indulgences once she has a family. Yoga class or time at the gym, the occasional pedicure, a new dress.
I have friends who - once the first kid is in preschool or kindergarten, suddenly realize they need those moments and those "me times", and they suddenly move heaven and earth to make the time for it. Maybe I won't understand completely until I'm responsible for another life... but it seems to me that  moms need to take care of themselves.  Work a few indulgences into the budget. A mom who is stretched too thin is not the best for her children either.

It's motherhood - not martyrdom.  Does pointing out all your sacrifices make someone a better mother?
I don't think so. In fact, I think it makes your kids lose a little respect for you.

Of course, if I were blessed enough to be able have kids, I'd gladly limit my shopping and wear my shoes right through the soles if that's what it took to provide what my children need... but I don't expect sainthood for it.

They DO Exist!

When I was young... in my late 20s and early 30s, I often heard from friends and relatives that when I finally found my man, I would be amazed at the man he is and that it would be worth the wait.
Such remarks even led me to pray to God to make the man He intends for me to be ready for me, and to be the man I need.  In the same prayer, I ask God to make me the woman that man needed and would love.

Later, when asked why I'm still not married I would say, "God's not finished with him yet."  and later still, "Apparently it's a lot of work to prepare a man for me!"

I had great ideals and great intentions.
I still do.  But these days people seem to think I'm expecting too much.

But, I really do know what sort of husband I want.  Someone who is going to be invested in marriage.  Someone who will communicate with me about marriage's ups and downs and work to keep the passion, the love and to keep God first in our lives.

I honestly don't want to be married to a man who I couldn't trust to do those things.  Therefore, I am still not married.  It's as simple as that.

These days, everyone wants to tell me that I shouldn't be holding out for a perfect man.  You all know how I feel about that comment (and I heard it again this week! Don't get me started!).  I honestly don't think I'm looking for perfect. I am looking for someone who takes marriage seriously.

Just when I started to think no such man exists, look what I found...

I Am Husband.com 

 and

Trey Morgan.net

These are men who blog about marriage.  About good marriage.  About honoring their spouses and honoring God.
Just the sort of men I'm looking for... except I am holding out for a single/ available man - not one who is married!

I'm going to add them to my blogroll because I want their influence here at SingleSolitaryThings. I like the good energy... and I want SST readers to know that there are real husbands out there!!!

I will not listen to the people who say I'm expecting too much.
Why would I settle for a man who is less than what God wants for me?
I will remain single before I marry a man who doesn't expect to commit fully and equally with me.

Ladies... I expect you to do the same.

Nobody's Perfect - What Marrieds Should Never Say to Singles

Being single over age 30-35 is difficult.
Single after that is ... trust me, you don't even want to know!

One of the reasons I started this blog was to give a voice to single adults. I mean, look around out there... everything in society is designed for couples and families.  So much so that even buying groceries can be depressing. Even bananas come in bunches - bound to go bad faster than a single person can eat them. (I usually tear two or three off the bunch - and even then, I often lose one!) 

If the blogosphere is a fair representation of society - and it pretty much is - America is filled with married people with families who don't give a second thought to the single people struggling in the world all alone.
Unless of course it is to pontificate upon why some seemingly 'normal', attractive woman is left single. It's not like they even bother to invite us to dinner and mug on their kids -- even in that regard, Bridget Jones' single life is idealistic compared to reality!

Bridget Jones Dines with Smug Marrieds - Video

Unlike the smug marrieds in Bridget Jones' Diary... they probably don't even talk about... they just draw conclusions about us that couldn't be further from reality.  That we're out there 'playing the field', too focused on our careers (hah!) and my personally most detested assumption... that we're "too picky".

Too picky is the silliest reasoning there is. To prove my theory... go ahead and suggest to a married couple that perhaps they weren't picky in choosing their mate.  Watch the sparks fly! They will be offended that you would suggest that their mate isn't the most perfect match on the planet.  More realistic folks will concede that no one is perfect, and that they put a lot of effort into their marriage, but that what they have is indeed wonderful.

Yet, when I point out that if they didn't settle for a schmuck, yet they're suggesting that I just throw a dart at a phone book - they still don't see how ridiculous their defense is.

Today I received a comment on my FB page from someone who is a friend of my family, saying something along the lines that maybe I'm still single because, "... you're looking for somebody perfect..."

That to me, is the MOST INSULTING thing you can suggest to a woman over 40 who is still actively looking for the love of her life!
Suggesting that I'm holding out for perfect says at once that I must be horribly immature, and the most shallow person on the planet.
Do you think that I don't know that no one is perfect but God? To you think that after 40 years, I'm ridiculous enough to think that there is some perfect man out there for me?

I was so mad and insulted all I could was delete her comment! Anything I would have said would have appeared "overly sensitive" to the majority of people, or too dismissive of the injury of her rudeness to me.

Want to know what burns me the most?  While I've known her and her family all my life, I used to babysit her kids when I was a teenager, but looking back I can't say I've ever even had a conversation with her. We've never had a nice long chat about who I'm dating or how any of my relationships ended.

Remember... I live in a city 10 hours away from my home town, so in the past 25 years I've maybe run into her at the grocery store, or outside of church when I'm home visiting my parents. The deepest conversation we've ever had was about whether her youngest wore a diaper to bed or not.  (and clearly, from the abundance of mommy blogs out there, that's a very serious discussion - because it proves she's a FANTASTIC mother because she was able to FREAKING potty train her kid!  Whoo!  Never mind that a child would eventually stop soiling her pants eventually, with or without a parent's help!!) 

So based on what this woman knows about me, which is essentially that I graduated from college at one point and that I live outside of the state... she feels qualified to diagnose that I am seeking a perfect man.

How alarmingly insulting!

Dear Smug Marrieds,  

If you have never met anyone I've dated. If we've never talked about relationships. If we haven't had a ten minute conversation more than once every ten years... YOU HAVE NOT EARNED THE RIGHT TO COMMENT ON MY SELECTION PROCESS. DO NOT PRESUME TO TELL ME THAT I'M JUST TOO PICKY, AND NEED TO STOP LOOKING FOR A PERFECT MAN. 

If you got married at age 22, and have probably only dated three men in your life and one was your prom date... you CANNOT PRETEND TO KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO DATE FOR THE MAJORITY OF YOUR LIFE. 

I know you think you are an expert at obtaining a husband because the guy you've been married to for 20 years is the one who nailed you in the back seat of his car when you were 19 years old. (how romantic!)  You don't know what it is like to turn down dozens and dozens of men who expect you have sex with them on the third date.  But it's pretty damn obvious to you that I'm too picky. 

Brilliant.

Among the things I should have responded... "No dear. The reason is that... under my clothes my body is full of scales. Men just can't look passed it."

Edited to add things I thought about saying:


"Wow,  you must thing I'm really immature."


"If you had walked even a year in my shoes you would know better than to say something like that."


"Maybe if I had given in to boys in high school, I could have avoided this whole dating thing... like you."


and the one I think would have been most effective:


"Gee.  I never knew you thought I was delusional."


Because really... that's what someone would have to think.  I can see saying something like that to a woman who is 23-26 who has a crazy sense of entitlement (even then it would still be incredibly rude.) But a woman who is 40 knows better. 

What would you liked to have said?  I really like Erin Annie's suggestion via Bridget Jones!

• • 
    

I Should Have Known

My current dating life is a bit different than ever before.
I intend to date a couple men at a time, so that I'm not wasting time getting overly excited about any one guy until one of them is obviously excited and serious about me.
It's not exactly working out that way. Instead, I meet a guy and date rather casually until it's clear there's not a forever match there... and then a new guy turns up.

So I feel like I can accept a date with anyone - because nothing is so serious with anyone already in the picture that I would be violating a trust or physical bond.  (In this method of dating, one must be very careful with physical intimacy so that there is no 'cheating' or disrespect.  This means, obviously no naked time... but before that - no kissing. Personally, I'm okay with some innocent kissing but no 'passionate'/French kissing.)

Friday, when I left work I had a message from McTwitchy wondering if we could just go out for a drink and chat.
Sure. Why not? We hadn't seen each other in a while and it would be nice to catch up.

He knows that I'm dating... as we caught up, he learned that Mr. Potential fizzled out.  And I swear McTwitchy lit up a bit... until I told him there was a new guy. (No name for him yet)

McTwitchy and I grabbed a quick meal, had some wine... and before we parted I could tell he was working up to something.  Finally, he asked if we could spend more time together.
I asked him to clarify, and it seems he wants to date but without pressure.

I should have known.  The last time he spontaneously wanted to go out for drinks, he did the same thing.   He's not ready to commit to anything but he wants to keep me on a string.  That's not how he sees it of course.
He has so so much complicated stuff going on in his life that he doesn't feel he can provide or have the stability to have a real relationship or commit to anything. That is really his burden and I feel for him... but I can't wait for him to solve a problem he's been shouldering for years.  I can't help him either.

So I said, "McTwitchy, we already tried a second time.  What do you expect to be different?  You know how I feel about you and how we feel about one another.  We have incredible chemistry.  We genuinely like one another and are attracted.  But I don't have time to wait for anyone to be a place where they can move forward.  I need someone who is ready. I can't have you keep me from finding someone who is ready for what I'm ready for."  He agreed with that.
I continued, "We could date, but I would need to date other men too. I can't kiss you and other men.  That's not what you want. Considering our history, there's no point to it... because we already know what we're capable of together and more to the point I know what you are not capable of right now and that's commitment."

I hesitated to say what came next but I decided that he needed to hear it in order to know just how divergent our paths are:  "McTwitchy, what you don't know is... when you were caught up with that freelance job in The Very Big City, and considering their full-time job offer... I was ready to go with you."

He was shocked.  Pleased and shocked and the next part was telling.  He said, "You never told me that!"
I explained, "I couldn't tell you that.  That was for you to ask me."  He nodded.
I told him that his mind wasn't even a little bit focused on that possibility at the time.  I told him that I knew when Thanksgiving rolled around that year, and he hadn't even thought about asking me to join him with his relatives, that we weren't even close to being on the same page. Considering that I had already been prepared to pack up and move for him!!

I knew what I was telling him was painful to hear... but with all the stops and starts he wants to initiate... I just had to point out how misguided he is.

It's a shame.
But at the same time - I'm glad I can recognize how unprepared he is to move forward.

Sigh.

Less Snark - More Self-Righteous

Okay, I must be in some kind of mood.
I feel like calling other people out on their judgement.  Trust me, I know I have my own hurdles... and I am working on those.

But right now, I'm so irritated by a friend's way of thinking I just have to get this out.

She is venturing into online dating - which we will all admit is no cup of tea.
She told me about meeting a guy who was very nice but she wasn't attracted to him.  So she's not going to see him again. That's cool, we've all been there.  But then she proceeded to tell me that she will only read the profiles of guys she finds hot via their pictures.  Again, sure... we all want to find someone good-looking.  Attraction is often the initial basis for getting to know someone.  If you talk to this woman though, (and I've known her for years) it is clear that her number one criteria for a prospective boyfriend/husband is looks.  (guess what number two is?)

Yes, she is beautiful.  She is in top physical shape and wears clothes like a model... both in style and fit.

I made efforts to point out that pictures don't always represent someone's real-life appearance.  Even some very attractive people don't photograph well.  In a particular example, I used to photograph very well, but 10 years later... not so much.

Doesn't matter, she's going for looks.

I can't argue with her. She won't listen. But what I'd like to say is... if you think a hot body and good looks are key criteria for a good husband, or a good relationship... I don't hold out much hope for that relationship.
I don't think she's ever experienced that phenomenon in which the more you get to know someone, the more you like and respect them... the better looking they become to you.
That's what love does.  That's how love develops.

Yeah, it is a struggle.  It is important to have that initial attraction.  Though I don't think that's even what she's looking for.  She seems to be looking for hot hot hot!

I mean, I think there's a difference between someone you really can't stand to look at - and someone who is a little less than your 'type'.  Some very, VERY attractive people will never qualify as HOT. But I happen to think those are the most interesting, most attractive people.
I'm not advocating for dating someone you think is ugly.

I want to say to her, "Well, if you looking for shallow - you'll find shallow, and I don't think it will make you happy."

I am more focused right now on finding someone who shares my values, beliefs and morals. Someone who is going to be crazy about me, will want to take care of me, share life with me and see me through lifes' ups and downs.  (I just started seeing someone who seems to meet that criteria - and I'm waiting to see if the hot steamy attraction kicks in... but for right now, knowing that he's aching to see me, that he enjoys my company, and I his... is a quality start.) 

It takes a certain amount of vanity to look the way she wants a man to look, and I hate to stereotype, but I'm afraid my friend who is looking for Hottie McHottersen, is going to be disappointed when she finds he cares more about the condition of his abs and biceps more than he could ever care about someone else's well-being... and he may even start to become critical of the quality of her abs and assets.

Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe they'll be perfect for each other.