Sunday, October 30, 2011

Less Snark - More Self-Righteous

Okay, I must be in some kind of mood.
I feel like calling other people out on their judgement.  Trust me, I know I have my own hurdles... and I am working on those.

But right now, I'm so irritated by a friend's way of thinking I just have to get this out.

She is venturing into online dating - which we will all admit is no cup of tea.
She told me about meeting a guy who was very nice but she wasn't attracted to him.  So she's not going to see him again. That's cool, we've all been there.  But then she proceeded to tell me that she will only read the profiles of guys she finds hot via their pictures.  Again, sure... we all want to find someone good-looking.  Attraction is often the initial basis for getting to know someone.  If you talk to this woman though, (and I've known her for years) it is clear that her number one criteria for a prospective boyfriend/husband is looks.  (guess what number two is?)

Yes, she is beautiful.  She is in top physical shape and wears clothes like a model... both in style and fit.

I made efforts to point out that pictures don't always represent someone's real-life appearance.  Even some very attractive people don't photograph well.  In a particular example, I used to photograph very well, but 10 years later... not so much.

Doesn't matter, she's going for looks.

I can't argue with her. She won't listen. But what I'd like to say is... if you think a hot body and good looks are key criteria for a good husband, or a good relationship... I don't hold out much hope for that relationship.
I don't think she's ever experienced that phenomenon in which the more you get to know someone, the more you like and respect them... the better looking they become to you.
That's what love does.  That's how love develops.

Yeah, it is a struggle.  It is important to have that initial attraction.  Though I don't think that's even what she's looking for.  She seems to be looking for hot hot hot!

I mean, I think there's a difference between someone you really can't stand to look at - and someone who is a little less than your 'type'.  Some very, VERY attractive people will never qualify as HOT. But I happen to think those are the most interesting, most attractive people.
I'm not advocating for dating someone you think is ugly.

I want to say to her, "Well, if you looking for shallow - you'll find shallow, and I don't think it will make you happy."

I am more focused right now on finding someone who shares my values, beliefs and morals. Someone who is going to be crazy about me, will want to take care of me, share life with me and see me through lifes' ups and downs.  (I just started seeing someone who seems to meet that criteria - and I'm waiting to see if the hot steamy attraction kicks in... but for right now, knowing that he's aching to see me, that he enjoys my company, and I his... is a quality start.) 

It takes a certain amount of vanity to look the way she wants a man to look, and I hate to stereotype, but I'm afraid my friend who is looking for Hottie McHottersen, is going to be disappointed when she finds he cares more about the condition of his abs and biceps more than he could ever care about someone else's well-being... and he may even start to become critical of the quality of her abs and assets.

Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe they'll be perfect for each other.


Anonymous said...

So how long would you wait for the "hot steamy attraction" to kick in? I am in a conundrum on this very topic. I'm so used to having that crazy chemistry first, then easing into a relationship. I've never tried easing into a relationship while waiting for that crazy chemistry to sprout and grow. Thoughts?

TRS said...

Hmm. Good question.
I too have typically gone with the chemistry first. (and we can see where that got me!)
But also so far, waiting for the attraction hasn't bee highly effective yet either.

But here's the thing. I mentioned this guy with potential a while back... he's the kind of guy that I think.. yeah, he's attractive... but he's not necessarily the kind of guy I'm attracted to. But I always ALWAYS enjoyed spending time with him. At the same time, I couldn't really picture getting hot and steamy with him. In the end, mr potential fizzled out.
I met this new guy about a week later. Also not sure how attracted I will be to him. Also enjoying EVERY MINUTE with him.

I tend to take things pretty slow these days... maybe there's a first kiss on the third date or so... but then I'm reserving passionate kissing for later. Much later.
So I'm talking about a month or two... maybe three.

The key is to make sure you're dating at least two guys at a time. Obviously, you can't be too intimate with either guy until you decide on one. Likewise, you can't decide on one until he really stands out.

I don't know if I'm making sense here... but this is eventually how you'll know. By holding off on the physical element... if you really start wanting it, it will come.

At least, that's my theory.
It takes a patient man as well as a patient you.
In my current case ... I told him only because he asked... otherwise I wouldn't... and if I were a quicker thinker... I would have worked around it) that I'm dating around until someone stands out.
It appears that he took it as a challenge and is determined to be the one who stands out... and as a result, I'm starting to think more along steamy lines.
I don't know.
I could be wrong.
But this is my current theory.
It worked for a friend of mine... she married him almost exactly a year after she met him... and had a baby before their anniversary!

TRS said...''

Genevra said...

I'm going to add my two cents to DRS's question in the first comment.

Speaking from personal experience, if the thought of kissing the man brings a yuck reaction, then no amount of time is going to change that. Not even when you really like the guy as a friend and have a lot in common.

However, if you aren't particularly sure because he doesn't make you instantly weak in the knees, but the thought of kissing him also doesn't make you go "Yuck!", then it is possible it could develop with time. You can't always tell by the first kiss either sometimes. As long as it isn't out right horrible and makes you stomach turn (those can't change no matter what in my opinion), then who knows what could happen if given a decent shot. But then it will be up to you to determine what is a decent enough shot. One date? Three dates? I think as long as attraction and interest is consistently growing with each date, it deserves a shot. If it is not growing with each interaction, then don't waste your time, and his, especially if he likes you a lot more than you like him. That just opens up a whole new can of worms. Also, some people will tell you it is okay to settle for someone you don't have that chemistry with. Which I don't think is necessarily the right choice for everyone. That is up to you.

I've had a so-so first kiss with a man I knew I liked as a person, but didn't see my self ever getting hot and bothered by him. He didn't seem my type. But I gave him a shot, because I found myself liking him more and more with each interaction, and eventually my physical attraction for him grew to the hot and bothered state.

Sometimes you just never know unless you give it a shot. Good luck!