My current dating life is a bit different than ever before.
I intend to date a couple men at a time, so that I'm not wasting time getting overly excited about any one guy until one of them is obviously excited and serious about me.
It's not exactly working out that way. Instead, I meet a guy and date rather casually until it's clear there's not a forever match there... and then a new guy turns up.
So I feel like I can accept a date with anyone - because nothing is so serious with anyone already in the picture that I would be violating a trust or physical bond. (In this method of dating, one must be very careful with physical intimacy so that there is no 'cheating' or disrespect. This means, obviously no naked time... but before that - no kissing. Personally, I'm okay with some innocent kissing but no 'passionate'/French kissing.)
Friday, when I left work I had a message from McTwitchy wondering if we could just go out for a drink and chat.
Sure. Why not? We hadn't seen each other in a while and it would be nice to catch up.
He knows that I'm dating... as we caught up, he learned that Mr. Potential fizzled out. And I swear McTwitchy lit up a bit... until I told him there was a new guy. (No name for him yet)
McTwitchy and I grabbed a quick meal, had some wine... and before we parted I could tell he was working up to something. Finally, he asked if we could spend more time together.
I asked him to clarify, and it seems he wants to date but without pressure.
I should have known. The last time he spontaneously wanted to go out for drinks, he did the same thing. He's not ready to commit to anything but he wants to keep me on a string. That's not how he sees it of course.
He has so so much complicated stuff going on in his life that he doesn't feel he can provide or have the stability to have a real relationship or commit to anything. That is really his burden and I feel for him... but I can't wait for him to solve a problem he's been shouldering for years. I can't help him either.
So I said, "McTwitchy, we already tried a second time. What do you expect to be different? You know how I feel about you and how we feel about one another. We have incredible chemistry. We genuinely like one another and are attracted. But I don't have time to wait for anyone to be a place where they can move forward. I need someone who is ready. I can't have you keep me from finding someone who is ready for what I'm ready for." He agreed with that.
I continued, "We could date, but I would need to date other men too. I can't kiss you and other men. That's not what you want. Considering our history, there's no point to it... because we already know what we're capable of together and more to the point I know what you are not capable of right now and that's commitment."
I hesitated to say what came next but I decided that he needed to hear it in order to know just how divergent our paths are: "McTwitchy, what you don't know is... when you were caught up with that freelance job in The Very Big City, and considering their full-time job offer... I was ready to go with you."
He was shocked. Pleased and shocked and the next part was telling. He said, "You never told me that!"
I explained, "I couldn't tell you that. That was for you to ask me." He nodded.
I told him that his mind wasn't even a little bit focused on that possibility at the time. I told him that I knew when Thanksgiving rolled around that year, and he hadn't even thought about asking me to join him with his relatives, that we weren't even close to being on the same page. Considering that I had already been prepared to pack up and move for him!!
I knew what I was telling him was painful to hear... but with all the stops and starts he wants to initiate... I just had to point out how misguided he is.
It's a shame.
But at the same time - I'm glad I can recognize how unprepared he is to move forward.