Tuesday, November 18, 2008

You Shoulda Put A Ring On It

I'm rather indifferent to Beyonce's music, mainly because I don't typically seek out music. I just listen to what comes to me.

But because of the spoofy skit on SNL this weekend - and a dancer imitating her new video on The Bonnie Hunt show this morning (LOVE Bonnie Hunt BTW) I found myself singing her new song this morning.

Single Ladies

The 'refrain' if you will, goes "If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it" It's bouncy and catchy and where I am in my life right now.

So I'm getting dressed to go to the office of my new job. Today I fill out employment paperwork. And as I'm looping my belt through my pants, I'm singing "if you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it!" and I hear a familiar ring.

It's my cell phone with Mr. Burns' personalized ring tone. It's a happy little ditty that always made me smile - I used to call it my Pavlovian signal!

I freeze. Okay, it's been a month and a half (but who's counting) and I haven't heard from him. Suddenly. Today. He calls.

I let it go to voicemail. It took a long time.

He said he's been having a really hard time with this (our breakup) and he would like to just get in touch, maybe get together and talk.

Truth be told, I would like that too.

He said he would respect it if I didn't want him to contact me again. So he's totally playing it right.

So anyway - since I have a busy day today I'm going to wait to return the call.
Right now, my gut tells me that I do want to talk to him.
I'll probably wait until tomorrow afternoon (after work) to call him back. Make him sweat it a little more.

What would you do?

Oh oh ooh oh oh ooh


k said...

i was recently going to ask if you haveheard from him.

i believe that sometimes people don't know what they have until it is gone. i know people that broke up for several months, the guy realized what he was missing and the girl made him work for it, but finally took him back (and they lived happy ever after...).

i don't want to say this is the case here, but i guess i am just trying to say that it might be good to hear him out.

Andi said...

What would I do? I'd totally call him. But, I'm not saying whether that's what YOU should do or not. I just wouldn't be able to resist. Can't hurt to talk to him as long as you don't compromise on what matters to you. (Oh, and I'm 33 and perpetually dating, yet always single, so take my "advice" with a grain of salt!) Glad a friend directed me to your blog - makes me feel like I'm not the only one out there that feels the way I do. Totally going to look up that Beyonce song now!

Krissie said...

Wow.... so I've actually been praying for you... errr, uh, well really I guess I've been praying for Mr. Burns, that he would get his act together and figure out what he's missing. I know you didn't ask me to, but I just felt like that's what I should be praying for.

I broke up with someone this past summer, and it was all the same thing... He's perfect for me, has everything I'm looking for and things I now want, that I didn't know existed before him. He totally brought out the best in me... but for some reason something was holding him back, and we just had to call it off.

If I were you, I wouldn't play games with it. One of the things that was so nice about the relationship I was in this last summer was that there was no game playing required. So I would say, if you want to call him back, do, and I do it when it works best for you. If that's tomorrow, great, but if you are going to drive yourself crazy tonight wondering, then just get on with it, and call him back tonight.

I'll be praying for you both. I don't know what the future holds for either of you, but I know that you have God all over you, and I know He has something great in store.

Doris said...

First of all, CONGRATS on the new job, and having that part of your life fall together.

Secondly, you are so me, I've read your entire blog since I met yoy through RIMD, and other than you being naturally thin (I am NOT) we are so very much alike. I even LOVE Bonnie Hunt!

Finally, I think you are so wise to wait until it is convenient on your time, to call Mr. B back. I had this same kind of breakup in March, (he couldn't tell me what he wanted for the future after almost three years of dating!), we talked after about a month and are now back together on better terms. Not saying it's perfect or he will eventually "put a ring on it", but we are both happy and enjoying each other at this point.

Now, I have to go find that song...

N, Kelly, D, E and Zoe said...

I found your blog through Shannon and totally love everything you've said. Now I'm a little hooked on knowing what happens to you. The internet is a wonderful place, no?

I would make him sweat it out too. Make him work a little. You worth the work!


Blue Castle said...

That song is catchy.
Oh, you have to tell us how this works out. I'll be waiting.....

Karen said...

I'd probably call him back. After all, you've had a month and a half to analyze and put things into perspective. So I don't think you'll get swept away in the moment or anything. And maybe, if nothing else, he'll be a good friend. Or not. (It's so easy to make these sweeping statements when it's not my life. Sorry.)

auntie said...

wow - that's a tough one! my track record says that i would call him. my track record also says that i suck at relationships! i'm good at advice, huh?

i think if you want to talk to him, then call. my real advice would be to stand your ground and don't get all melty when he starts saying things you've been wanting to hear (like i would do!). i haven't read all of your backstory yet, but if something has changed for him then he should be able to show you with his actions and not just his words.

once upon a time, i called someone back when he called to tell me he knew he'd screwed up and he'd changed and he missed me...we got back together for awhile but things really hadn't changed for him, or for me, for that matter. our romantic relationship didn't work out, but now we're great friends and he's someone i know will always be there for me, and i trust and respect his opinion more than most people i know.

and i wouldn't have that wonderful friendship if i hadn't called him back that day. i'll be praying for you!

TRS said...

Wow! Thanks for the responses everyone.

I am planning to call him, but I decided when we broke up that when he called (yes, WHEN) that I wouldn't answer right away. I also knew I wouldn't change the ring tone, so I would know it was him. Whether for avoidance or otherwise, realizing I wouldn't know how I would feel when the time came.

So since I had a big day today - and I have to work at my other job tomorrow - I'll call him after I'm done with work tomorrow. Really, the first convenient time for me.

I did notice however, that despite his lengthy voicemail message - all those words - he did NOT say that he missed me. Oh well.

Krissie, I am so blessed that you would pray for me/Mr. Burns!! What an incredible friend/person/blogger you are!
You, my little bloggy friend, amaze me!

Anonymous said...

It is not going to be perfect. He did not say that he missed you but he did say other things. He just might not be a grand jesture type of person. His love might be expressed in different ways. He might express his love by calling and saying x rather than y.

I whole heartedly agree with the comment about don't play games. Don't. You want to be married. You want a life with someone. You want children. That is what you want. (And it is WONDERFUL!)

Get real. Very very real with him. Don't play games. Don't manipulate him into wearing dark blue jeans. Hear him. What does he need to feel loved? What does he need to make this work? If you need a grand jesture then TELL him! He needs to know what you need to feel loved. If you need him to tell you he misses you, then tell him.

But people express their love in different ways. He may not be the kind of man that is going to chase you. But he may be the kind of man that once he is with is really with you, is very loyal and kind. He may be the kind of man that is an awesome husband and an awesome father. Grand jestures and saying the exact right thing are not always consistent with the traits of being a wonderful husband and father.

TRS, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? What is the most important thing to you now? What is it you long for?

Call him. See if you both can make it work.

Anonymous said...

A popular story describes a man stranded on his rooftop, praying as the floodwaters rise. When a boat with a rescue crew arrives, he refuses their help, saying, "No, God will save me." Later, a helicopter pilot meets with the same response. Eventually the man drowns, and upon reaching heaven he asks God, "Why didn't you save me?" whereupon God replies,

"I sent you a boat and a helicopter!"
Obviously, this anecdote is about not recognizing God's saving power when it arrives, usually because it doesn't appear on one's own terms or in the way one imagines it will.

Happy Woman

TRS said...

Yeah... the helicopter story is the one I told Mr. Burns often because it seemed he was always waiting for a freaking burning bush as a sign!

I'll talk to him. But I will need a grand gesture or two to know he's serious.

Andi said...

Does Mr. Burns read your blog?

knit_tgz said...

I will pray for you. At least tonight, I can't promise anything else because I am not praying much these last few months.

About Mr. Burns calling, he reminds me of my exboyfriend (yes, ex, since June, and yes, I am almost 32, and yes, both mass-going Catholics, and yes, the one who said he really cared for me but couldn't see himself marrying me any time soon, and did not know whether the problem was that he did not love me enough or that he was selfish and immature. Yes, he said all that). I saw him two weeks ago at a common friend's birthday. It didn't hurt that much (after all, some months have gone by) until he was confident enough to again start showing his little signs of caring. Until he was always the one to notice that I was running out of water in my glass, until my stomach was upset and I was feverish and he was the one who noticed I wasn't OK. And this is why I would never accept a conversation one-on-one with him. Because the only way to be able to some day love other man is to keep distance from him, from the constant small signs that he pays attention to my small signs like no-one else, to not see them, for a long time.

Of course, your situation is different. I think you have been together less time than we were, and you want to hear from him. So, my advice is: go meet him and see what he has to say, and also watch how you react inside you. if you find you can be near him one-on-one and not fall in love again, not feed a hopeless hope, or if you find there are good reasons to believe he may have changed his outlook on you, keep meeting him. Otherwise, guard your heart and keep distance.

(just my personal point of view, not knowing details. I may be cmpletely wrong, I probably am)

P.S: my word verification is "deligh". Just a T missing from delight. T is my initial, and yours, it seems. May each of us see God delight in us, and may each of us one day find a man who delights in us and in whom we delight.

TRS said...


No. Mr. Burns doesn't know I have a blog. Early in our relationship he mentioned that he hates blogs. I think he was referring to those whiney political blogs where people just kvetch and make up outlandish theories. In that case, I hate them too.

And at that time, I wasn't blogging regularly. I had a blogger account just so I could comment on other blogs.
I started blogging more because I needed a writing outlet - and an audience - real or imaginary, gives me the incentive to write and to hone my writing.

If it ever came up, I would explain just that. That I enjoy it for a creative outlet - and for the community. Because ladies, you have to admit - this community is AWESOME!!!

Yes... that sounds a lot like Mr. Burns!!! Particularly the part about not knowing if he loved you enough or not vs being selfish. What? Do they share a script?!!!
That's crazy. So much the same!

Anyway, I left him a message and haven't heard back. We'll see.

knit_tgz said...

Hm. We are in opposite sides of the Atlantic, so I do not think Mr. Burns and my ex-bf have ever met. Otherwise, it would seem they were taking notes together! Actually, there are more things they have in common, from what I've read in some of your entries. I wonder if this is a usual problem in otherwise upright practising Christian men?

I'm curious now: was Mr. Burns your age, just a couple years older, more than a couple years older, just a couple years younger or much younger? (my ex is almost 3 years younger, I've wondered if I should avoid younger guys...)

TRS said...

I am 38, Mr Burns will turn 37 this winter (we are a year and a half apart) so I don't see it as a huge age discrepency.

But truth told, a man of his age ought to be able to know what he wants, and to be able to do something about it when he finds it.

I'm probably going to regret this - I should just ignore you - but if you're going to come to my blog and take potshots at me - at least have the cajones to identify yourself.

there. I said it.