Footloose

I asked a friend to come over and help me with a problem in my Photoshop program.
A friend who -yes - is a guy - and who -yes- I once dated briefly. (isn't that everybody?) And -yes- a friend who another friend is still rooting for me to marry (whatever) even though we (he and I) both know that isn't going to happen. At least not until we're say, 60.
Nonetheless we are still friends because we really do enjoy one another's company, share a similar sense of humor, several creative interests and most of the same morals and values. It is always a joy to see him.

When we finished with my little project he was bundling up to leave, and as I had asked him to leave his shoes at the door - was in his stocking feet.
He did a little turn on my wood floors, enjoying the slick contact between cotton and well-worn wood. Whoo-hoo. You know, that sort of thing.

"Wait," I said. "If you like that, you have to do this..." then I moved my bike from the hallway that leads to my the back of my condo, returned to the front end of the hall - got my running start and slid down the remainder of the hallway.
He smiled broadly... took his running start and did the same thing.

And then we said our goodbyes.

I love a friend who takes joy in simple pleasures.

So, if you're 'almost 40', married and have kids, do you have to stop sliding down the hall in stocking feet?

What I've Learned

I know some truly kind and amazing people.

When Mr. Burns and I broke up - one friend sent me a handwritten card, expressing her sympathy, her support and her concern for me.

Another friend, who had encouraged me to break up months before, upon hearing the news said, "I'm so sorry. I know you had a lot of hope in that relationship."

Many many others said, in some way "I'm sorry for your loss."

Because that is what the end of a love/ romantic relationship is. It is the end of a certain kind of hope. It is the death of an anticipated future.

Now I am embarrassed that I wasn't as kind and thoughtful to my friends who went through break ups before me.

I didn't know.
Because I had never been through a break up of this magnitude, I thought that went couples broke up it was because it was the best decision. I didn't understand how painful and heartwrenching it is... even if it is the right thing to do.

Now I vow to do better by my friends. A break up is a great loss.
I mean really, I've been more sympathetic to a friend with a cold than to a friend suffering a break up!

I saw another friend who didn't know about the break up until I told her today - and she expressed genuine compassion. I thanked her and shared what I have learned. She agreed and told me that she's gone through break ups and she's gone through a divorce and to be honest, the divorce was easier. We discussed it and agreed that the end of a relationship is hard because it ends your idea of a future. A divorce is a relationship that is already over, there is no future (or there wouldn't be a divorce) and there is more relief than grief.

Now I know. And I promise to treat my friend's breakups with the tender concern and sympathy that they deserve.

I wish I had understood this years ago.

Things I'm Thankful for...

I am thankful for an abundance of friends... I am incredibly blessed with so many great people in my life. I often wonder how I deserve them all.

I am thankful for my family... who, this year, graciously didn't beg me to drive 10 hours to be home for today's traditional meal.

I am thankful for my car... really I am, and thankful for the man who sold it to me for he provided me a very nice, reliable vehicle that I could afford, without dickering around on the cost.

I am thankful for my job... finally!

I am thankful for the amazing community that women bloggers have created... who could have known?

I am thankful for God's grace and blessings in my life... every time I am overburdened and fling myself to my knees He is there, embracing me with ever-loving arms. He never gives up on me. He gives me more strength than I know I can manage.

Happy Thanksgiving!


Photo info: I took this photo at the cemetery where my maternal grandparents are buried. Engraved on the cross are the words, "To Thy Cross ____ I Cling." (I can't make out the word/s on the left side of the cross, and can't recall right now - but it's poignant even without the missing adjective don't you think?)

A Giver

That jazzy little tune lit up my cell phone again. It was Mr. Burns calling from an airport in middle America on his way home for Thanksgiving.

He just called to tell me that he was reading Luke Chapter 6, in which as Mr. Burns puts it, giving of oneself to others is discussed. (I just read it and I don't see the exact same thing he did... but I guess that doesn't matter) what matters is the message he received by reading it this time through.

He had to tell me that it made him realize that I really gave myself in our relationship. That I just gave and gave and gave. And that, in that realization, he realized too that he didn't give. That he held back, that he didn't even think about giving.

"So I just wanted to thank you for showing me that. You showed me what it's like when someone gives you everything. And I am ashamed now, that I didn't see it at the time, and mostly for not knowing how to give back."

I almost cried. It means a lot to have someone realize just how much you love them. And hurts a little to know they didn't know what to do with it.

And I hated to say it, but he's right. It occurred to me a few days earlier that I gave everything in that relationship and that he didn't make much effort.
I'm not saying that to puff myself up. Just that I realized it. And if that is going on in your relationship, recognize it and fix it.

He continued, "It hurts me to tell you that I failed. But it's the truth."


I guess that's one more thing to be grateful for this Thanksgiving.

Sorry if This is Boring - But You Asked!

And men, if you can bear to read it, you might learn something about relationships.

When I left work on Saturday afternoon, I had a message from Mr. Burns. Still wanting to talk.

He told me he was headed out to watch his college football game with a crowd of fellow alumni. By the time I got the message I was fairly certain he was already watching the game in a noisy bar - and that my call would go to Voicemail.

He answered.
I was cold. I didn't mean to be, but my responses were short and without emotion. He said he had just arrived at the bar for the game. I asked if it was a good time to talk. He wavered for a while, possibly torn. Ultimately, he said he'd call me back later.

I hung up and chuckled a little. Figures, I thought. Yet again something else comes before me.
I went out on my errands. More shopping. Had to pick up all my pre-sale items at Macy's!!

Twice in the noisy mall I didn't hear my cell ring. He had to call twice. I finally called him back Saturday evening. The conversation started easily. It was so good to hear his voice. He has a really nice voice. Coming from my career in television, that's a compliment.

I told him about my new job and he was genuinely happy for me. He noted that it took our relationship ending for me to be in the right place for the right job.

Then he wanted to know what I thought when he called. I told him that mainly I made note of how long it took to call. But also that I knew he would eventually.
He agreed. We were best friends after all. He can't imagine never talking to me again.

Then we moved on to how he feels now. He is still confused. He said that the fact that we are broken up and he still doesn't have a feeling of certainty about whether we belong together or not - tells him that his confusion is valid.

He said a part of him just wants to go ahead and bring me home for Thanksgiving. Go home with me for Christmas. (these are hurdles he was not willing to clear before. He had to know that we had a certain future before introducing me to his family - so what he is talking about is progress) But then, we're not together now, so he can't really bring me home. (besides, I have plans)

I told him that our time apart has given me clarity. That I can see clearly now, the many ways he doesn't love me. He wanted to know what they were.

• Never making time to travel for the important events in MY life. Dad's birthday party, weddings, holidays.
• Never being at my house with any frequency to be a staple there. He barely knows where to find silverware at my place.
• That he was always expecting me to disappoint him. (he disputes this vehemently)
• That despite his vow to never make assumptions about what others want/need - that's exactly what he did regarding me.
• Simply not making time or an effort for me.
• He's inflexible.

I told him that the most hurtful thing he ever did, was in front of his sister.
She was visiting from their home state. I discovered we had our interest in photography in common so I pulled up the web album of the shoot I did earlier that week, in my friends' home. They were maternity pictures, her belly exposed, husband and wife together anticipating this baby.
I showed his sister one shot in particular, the wife looking lovingly and laughingly into her husband's eyes... the quintessential pregnancy photo. Mr. Burns' sister loved the picture - saying I really captured the moment, that you could see the love between them.

Now this is a couple Mr. Burns knows... and we both respect their marriage. They are so obviously in love, it's a beautiful thing!
Then, Mr. Burns came to the computer, looked over our shoulders and pointed out what a great couple they are and how in love they are... and said to his sister while pointing to the screen, "That's what I want!"

I told Mr. Burns, "I was right there! You ripped my heart out with those words. We both want the same thing and you couldn't acknowledge that with me in your life, you were THIS close."

~~~
Another point I made was that he never once - in all of the last winter - asked me to go skiing with him. I was working only a handful of hours at the portrait studio and I had to work weekends. He said since he knew I was struggling financially, that he thought it would be inconsiderate to suggest that I drop a shift and give up the little income that I had coming in.

He emphasized that this was one of the ways that he was always considering my point of view. He thought making that suggestion would get him an earful - ie - "What do you mean, give up a shift? I'm struggling to pay my mortgage here and you want me to give up the few hours I have to make money?"
I interrupted, and said, "Why would you think that? When have I ever gone off and given you an earful about anything?! I don't do that."

He clarified, saying that he knows I wouldn't go off - but that - that's what he would think if he were in my shoes. He emphasized again that he was always ALWAYS, in all cases, putting himself in my position, thinking of my feelings. And he thinks I don't know that he was.

I finally got it.

I said, "I really appreciate that you tried to think of my perspective. But in doing that you forgot one very important thing. How I would feel. I just really needed to be asked. I needed to know that my boyfriend thought it would be really fun to spend the day skiing with me. We don't have the same feelings, B. We're two different people."

"Oh." He said, then with a hint of laughter in his voice, "If you put it that way.... "
He realized how flawed his thinking was in that case. Lightbulb went on!

We laughed together.
Then I explained that I didn't want him assuming or deciding for me. Or for us. That it would mean so much to know that was something he looked forward to. And that if he would have asked we would have discussed who would pay for lift tickets, if I could give up the measly $30 I would make in a Saturday afternoon. That we should decide TOGETHER. But to never discuss it - only left me hurt.

~~~
Anyway, he talked more of not knowing whether we belong together. That a big part of him thinks maybe we do.
I told him, if we ever got back together - He's got a lot of convincing to do. Because now I know what was wrong in our relationship and I what I won't accept.

He said that he knows I (trs) didn't do anything wrong. That I was nothing but supportive and always building the relationship. The fact that he doesn't know - is all on him. That I couldn't have been a better girlfriend.

I hate for him to take all the blame. I can't say he's wrong, but I still hate to hear it.
We did acknowledge that our communication problems were on both of us.

In all, we talked for an hour and a half. Reminiscing. Telling each other the little funny stories that we've been dying to share, knowing only the other would appreciate them!

I really don't know what to think about the fact that he still doesn't know how he feels. On one hand it seems like such a cop-out. On the other hand, the poor guy. Can you imagine being so confused about love? If he can't get past this, he really will end up alone.

An Addiction? No. I Can Stop Any Time I Want!

I just don't want to.

Since I got the word of my new job - I've made two trips to Ross (like TJMaxx) one to Macy's and another to The Gap.

I guess I feel that I deserve a little splurge after 14 months of frugal living while unemployed.

I found the cutest scarf ever. I'm amazed I haven't received a compliment on it yet. Is that vain?

Two awesome belts. I can never find belts that I like so this was a coup.

Two cute sundresses one for 5.99 and one for 8.99. I eagerly await the month of May.

An adorable, cheerful yellow top, perfect for summer, but I'm trying to find a way to wear it this winter. Which lead me to The Gap.

Now I know why they call it the Gap - because their clearance rack helps fill the gaps in your wardrobe! When you find something and think that would be perfect with a _____ if I could find one... go to Gap's clearance rack.

That's where I found the long sleeve tee (11.99) that I'm hoping to layer with the yellow top for fall. What do you think? Is that cute or dorky? Remember I'm 38 years old! I think it's cute but I feel a bit like a kindergarten kid in it. What say you, internets?

There, I also found an irresistible top that I got 20% off due to the make-up smudge.

But I am most excited about the amazing BCBG sweater I found at Macy's! I very rarely spend full price on clothes... and even at 40% off the sweater was still $82. I had to walk away from it to listen to the voice of reason. I don't know whether it was reason that won out or not - but I bought it. The cashier offered to ring it up pre-sale for the event they're having on Saturday. So it came to $52 - which was easier to take. For BCBG - A STINKIN' STEAL!!!!

Sorry, I can't show it to you because Macy's is holding it hostage until Nov 22nd. As per the pre-sale.

So yes... I admit I have a bit of a shopping addiction. But I CAN stop when I want/need to. When money is tight and there's none coming in, I can buckle down.

Honestly, I had so much shopping pent up inside me - it had to come out. Did I NEED any of it? No. But who cares? It doesn't hurt to celebrate a little.

Under $200 - hardly constitutes a splurge. I'll start a budget with my new job, and work to plan my purchases better. But I admit I love a good bargain scrounge!!!

Two Things

Today is my sister's birthday.
She died in 1985 just a month shy of her 23rd birthday.
Today she has been dead for as long as she was alive.

I wish I could feel her presence.
It's to the point where I don't even miss her anymore, because as I said, she's been gone as long as she lived. After 23 years you sort of get used to not seeing - or even expecting to see someone.
But I think she sent me some gifts today.

One, when I went to my new job for orientation and to negotiate my salary.
See, I've never been great at negotiating. I prayed about it, and tried to prepare to stand my ground. But when their first offer is the figure that you were hoping for - I don't see the need to dicker any further!
I say - leave well enough alone!!
That is God at work. Maybe my sister handled the negotiation before I got there.

Oh. How about the fact that when I arrived and approached the receptionist/admin assistant she turned to me and said, "Oh good! You got the job!"
I smiled and replied, "Yes. Thanks."
"I was hoping you would get it. When you came for the interview you were just so nice and fun."

Wow. Talk about a first impression! (For the record, I liked her instantly too.)

She told me that she asked the manager who he hired but then couldn't remember which face went with which name - (they interviewed 16 candidates!) - so seeing me confirmed that the dark horse she was backing was indeed the winner.
How sweet is that?!

The other gift - or at least surprise - was Mr. Burns calling out of the blue.
I can choose to believe that my sister knew that I'm waiting for some answers, to know how he is doing - and really - just to know that he wanted to call.

Quite possible she arranged that too.
Isn't that what big sisters are for?

You Shoulda Put A Ring On It

I'm rather indifferent to Beyonce's music, mainly because I don't typically seek out music. I just listen to what comes to me.

But because of the spoofy skit on SNL this weekend - and a dancer imitating her new video on The Bonnie Hunt show this morning (LOVE Bonnie Hunt BTW) I found myself singing her new song this morning.

Single Ladies

The 'refrain' if you will, goes "If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it" It's bouncy and catchy and where I am in my life right now.

So I'm getting dressed to go to the office of my new job. Today I fill out employment paperwork. And as I'm looping my belt through my pants, I'm singing "if you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it!" and I hear a familiar ring.

It's my cell phone with Mr. Burns' personalized ring tone. It's a happy little ditty that always made me smile - I used to call it my Pavlovian signal!

I freeze. Okay, it's been a month and a half (but who's counting) and I haven't heard from him. Suddenly. Today. He calls.

I let it go to voicemail. It took a long time.

He said he's been having a really hard time with this (our breakup) and he would like to just get in touch, maybe get together and talk.

Truth be told, I would like that too.

He said he would respect it if I didn't want him to contact me again. So he's totally playing it right.

So anyway - since I have a busy day today I'm going to wait to return the call.
Right now, my gut tells me that I do want to talk to him.
I'll probably wait until tomorrow afternoon (after work) to call him back. Make him sweat it a little more.

What would you do?

Oh oh ooh oh oh ooh

Making Sense of the World

Or... How I got hit on by a 5 year old.

Last week I was talking with my friend Kelly about the post I was writing for Rocks In My Dryer. I suggested that one of the points I would like to get across to married people is that they don't have to abandon their single friends. In fact, they'd be helping their children by providing role models of all kinds.

To emphasize my point I said, "Because we both know it's only a matter of time until your son (the insanely brilliant and adorable 3 year old) asks me, "TRS, where is your husband?"

"No he won't!"
Oh yes he will. Not that I would be offended. That's just how kids try to make sense of the world. Especially if they are only exposed to married couples.

While I wouldn't be offended - I will admit it's a bit rattling when it happens for the first time. (standby for adorable nephew story at the end of this post.)

Last night I was working at the portrait studio. A woman brought her nephew in for a photo session. He was a very cute and polite kid - and I have never seen such a little kid with so much patience. He followed my posing instructions as if he were listening to the Pope! It was an awesome session.

His name was Theo. He told me that himself, and he asked me my name. I told him, and then he asked, "Did you know that I'm going to be 5?"

"Wow! 5 years old! You are such a big boy." I enthused.
During the session he said. "Did you know I can speak Portuguese?"
"Really Theo? You must be so smart."

Later as his aunt and I were finishing up the order he quietly said, "TRS, I have a question for you."

"What is it Theo?"
"Do you have a husband?"

His aunt was mortified but I answered earnestly, "No. I don't have a husband. But I'd really like to have one. Do you know someone who could be my husband?"
"Yes."
"Really? Who?"
"Let me think."

His aunt and I finished the transaction - and she shared, in her thick Portuguese accent that he asks her the same thing. She was trying to apologize for him, although an apology wasn't needed.

Then Theo piped up again.
"I know someone who could be your husband."
"Really Theo? Who?
"Um. My dad."

His aunt tried not to laugh, and quietly told me that his dad has issues. Bad idea.
I stifled my own laughter.
"Theo, does your dad already have a wife?"
"No. But he lives in Brazil."
"Hmm. See if you can find a husband for me who lives in Denver. Okay?"

"Okay. What's your phone number?"

And that's how I was ever so subtly hit upon by a boy who is 4 and 3 quarters!

-
You know... it's the smartest kids who ask these intriguing questions. They begin to notice the world around them and start to make sense of things. That is, until someone throws a wrench into their thoughts. You know, like a single adult!

When my youngest nephew was 4 or 5 years old we were playing a game at Grandma's kitchen table when I saw the gears turning in his head.

"TRS, do u live by uself?"
"Yes. I have an apartment in Omaha and I live there alone."

I watched his gears turn some more as he struggled to make sense of that.
"Don't u have a mom?"

Oh my stars! He didn't even expect me to have a husband! But everybody in his world lives with SOMEBODY! He lives with his mom. TRS must too!

"Your grandma is my mom. She is your dad's mom too. When you're a grown up, you don't live with your parents anymore." I explained - only to watch his face crumble with the onset of tears.

The little guy couldn't imagine never needing his mommy as he needed her then.
I panicked. I tried to think of a way to explain it that wouldn't crush his image of security.

Then his big sister piped in, "You'll understand when you're older."
I panicked still, thinking "That's not going to work!"
But a big sister knows. His face returned to it's normal color as he accepted her knowledge.
And we went back to our game.

God's Timing

I have been so frustrated the past two weeks. A potential employer informed that I’m one of the top two candidates (which I’ve heard more than once before – big whoop!) and then two weeks went by without an answer.

I decided that it was out of my hands. I gave it to God. Clearly I am as qualified as I need to be. I’m in the top two. Not much I can do beyond that.

Dear Lord, You know that I just want to find work that satisfies me. Work that I can do well, to satisfy my employer. If I can make a difference in the lives of others so much the better, but I’m not pushing my luck. God, only You know if this is the right job for me. Since it appears to be such a tight race, I trust that that the outcome will be Your Will.

While awaiting the answer, my unemployment benefits ran out. I can’t complain, because they were supposed to run out two months ago, and I got an extension. Yay me.

Every time my phone rang this week, I prepared to hear whether or not I got the job. Instead I got many other calls. The landline that only rang with messages from the presidential campaign for the past 4 months has been ringing off the hook! (so to speak – it’s a base these days.) No one calls me on that line.

So when the phone rang at the stroke of 5:00pm on Friday I was nonchalant.

It was the call I’ve been waiting for.

Guess who was offered a job???!!?!?!?!?!?

Whoo hoo.

For the rest of the evening I’ve been in an odd state of confusion.
After 14 months of worry and stress over looking for jobs to apply to I can’t shake the feeling of dread. Then I remind myself… I have a job. I can stop looking. I’m going to have an income!

Yeah, and the fact that my unemployment benefits just ran out, and I just broke up with Mr. Burns… God’s timing. Totally. Don’t you think?

Humbled

Wow! I am so blown away by the response to my Guest Post over at Rocks In My Dryer yesterday.

I feel so humbled that so many women said that I had provided words for their thoughts.
That to me is an amazing thing - because when I have come across writings that speak what I have been unable to put into words - I feel a kindred spirit and recognize the blessing. I am overwhelmed.

I want to stress that of course I am not speaking for ALL single adults - but I do know there are plenty who feel the same pains and struggles.

In fact, there were about 100 comments between Shannon's blog and mine - and only one dissenting comment. I addressed her on Rocks - but I wanted to share it here.
Happy Woman said:

I think I could have married just about anyone!

Now maybe I am saying this from the position of having lucked into a really great guy. Or maybe I settled. Personally I think everyone "settles". To me "settling" for someone means giving up some fairy tale images and working with the real person I am and the real person my partner is.

Looking back on how miserable I was being single and looking back on all the boyfriends that for one reason or another didn't work out....I think any one of those boyfriends would have been better than missing out on partnership. I think whatever the problems, working through those problems with somebody would be way better, for me, than staying alone.

If I were still single I would say to myself: You have tried being single. Now, go out and get married. To just about anyone. Work it out. And if it doesn't work out, then you will be divorced which is better than never having been married.

from, a now very very happy 41 year old woman who was married at 38 and became mother to twins at 39

I understand her point of view. I really do. In my entire life of dating, I have been frustrated by the fact that I've dated some really great guys. Nary a loser in the bunch!
How is that frustrating?

Because when every guy you date is a really wonderful person, but not 'The One' - you feel terrible rejecting them.... because after all there was nothing really bad or wrong with the person. It's just not 100% right. And that's when you second guess whether you are being 'picky' or if settling is 'settling'.

On the upside I have always felt, if God is providing me good men who are not my husband - imagine how wonderful the man He does have for me must be!

Here is my response to Happy Woman:

While I appreciate your point of view - I think we come from very different places. I (and many women like me) don't view marriage as casual as furniture placement. ie. you've had the sofa against the wall for years, try it someplace else.

Marriage is a lifelong commitment and to say that one would be better off divorced than never married is exactly the attitude that I wrote this article to dissuade.

There is a difference between settling and 'settling down'. Settling down is giving up the fairytale - and accepting life in it's real and imperfect form. Settling - would be marrying someone who doesn't love you as you need to be loved, someone who doesn't take joy in seeing your face when you arrive.

That would not be a marriage - that would be a roommate with legal ties!

I just let go of a man who I loved very much. I was willing to accept that he didn't love me fully - we would still have a satisfactory marriage - but God showed me that He has more for me. God wants me to be with someone who delights in me --- and if that is not a husband -- that is why I have a great circle of friends who do light up when I enter a room or their home.

It's okay to expect the same reaction from a man. In fact - it's worth waiting for - God has assured me of that.

That's why I was convinced that Mr. Burns was the one for me for so long. For once, there was a man who shared my faith, expressed his faith. Got my sense of humor. Understood the sort of patience I need. Shared my commitment to abstinence. And had so many other great qualities.

But looking back, he didn't love me completely. And that is no place to start a marriage.

Now Mr. Burns and I are both jokers and occasionally he would tease me (I wish I could remember an exact example) that if we were going to do something, he might expect me to do this or that. That's a lousy description, I know, but basically he expected me to disappoint him.
On those occasions, I would laugh and say, "You think so little of me."
Finally, one day he said, "I don't know what you mean when you say that."

I explained, that I felt he was saying he didn't think very highly of me, because he expected me to disappoint him. Basically, he was just waiting for me to be a pain in the tush.

When he understood what I meant, he laughed and admitted in his joking way that yes, he was sort of expecting me to be a pain in the tush.

But that's when I realized that he didn't appreciate me. A man who truly loved me would have said, "Is that how I make you feel? I am so sorry."

From the beginning of our relationship I told him that I would not be the stereotypical woman that men complain about. I do not nag. I don't expect you to read my mind. I communicate what I want and expect you to do the same.

A few months into our relationship he asked, "Are you real? I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. You're so cool. I'm waiting for you to be like all the other women."
Fill in the blank with "all the other women who disappointed me."

In the end... he was so expecting to be disappointed that he couldn't relax and realize that I wasn't like the other women. It's as if he wanted to be proven right so badly that he couldn't appreciate the gold standard right there in his arms.

The worst part was that he didn't know if loved me. I waited a year and a half for him to figure it out and all he had was doubt. I finally had enough. I realized that this man did not delight in me. Instead he was guarded. Expecting me to be a disappointment.

I still believe that if we had gotten married, we might have been okay. But I would always know deep in my heart that he didn't love me as Christ loves His bride, the Church. There would always be an emptiness.

And that would be settling.

God wants so much for us as His brides. God doesn't want us to settle for less than full unbridled love.
I know He doesn't.

Visit the Rock!!

Please go visit Rocks in My Dryer today! I’m guest posting in her What I’d Like for You to Know series – from the perspective of a Single Adult.

It’s not about dating – oh no – that’s a whole different post! Heck that’s why this blog began! And clearly, it’s far from ending!


Dating past the age of 35 is an adventure unlike dating in any previous decade of one’s life. Add abstinence to the mix and let me tell you… it’s slow going.

My contribution to WILFYTK is an effort to share what life is like as an adult when you don’t get what we all expect – particularly marriage and family.

Because let’s face it, the world expects me to be married by now (if not divorced) and you wouldn’t believe the many times a day I am reminded that I’m not fulfilling expectations.

On Sunday - for example - we had a young seminarian (who, I'm betting will be referred to as either Father Matthew McConaughey or Father What-A-Waste once he's ordained... I know - I'm terrible!) speak at our church, asking for contributions to the Seminary fund. He ended his presentation with, "Go home and discuss it with your spouse." I leaned over to my friend, the Deacon’s wife, and whispered, “Yeah... cuz everybody has a spouse!”

Then she felt bad and defended him, saying he’s young he doesn’t realize he’s leaving people out. I didn't mean to criticize him but that’s exactly my point. Particularly in church – they exclude people without even realizing it.

Oddly, her husband the deacon (no his name isn’t Oddly) noticed an exclusion when the young seminarian pointed out how great it is to see so many Godly families, noting there were so many children present at each mass. The deacon and his wife don’t have kids – so the deacon noticed. Guess he and his dear wife aren't Godly.

Anyway...

My writing this post for Shannon over at Rocks – was a great introspection for me. I only hope it encourages people to reach out to single adults. We’re struggling out there. Some people think we must be having all sorts of fun with no responsibilities. Ha! I’ve got no one to trade my least favorite responsibilities with! They’re all mine.

So yeah, even if I don’t have kids or a busy husband, I could use some support now and then. And if I hear you complain about your hubby – I might just feel the need to put you in your place!

Rattled

Since I broke up with Mr. Burns I’ve been grumbling to God about how He seems to give everything I pray for to everybody else. They all have husbands and babies and good jobs without – it seems to me- putting a whole lot of effort forth.

To my credit, however I’ve also been praying about how I can be as fabulous and as supportive a person as Miss Amy Beth (read her post today – it’s what ya call a GRANDSLAM!). How, Dear God, can I extend myself to someone who needs me in the way Amy Beth has for her Roomie?

Well, today God has addressed my frustrations and my questions and He really rattled my cage!

I got a call from a friend who just had a baby with her gorgeous and sweet hubby. She’s preparing for baby’s baptism and asked me to be the baby’s sponsor. I’m surprised, because this friend is an acquaintance really. We’re not that close. She explained that she wants someone who is strong in faith and active in the Catholic Church. None of their relatives fit the bill. Hmm.

Then she went on to tell me that she’s getting a divorce.
I fell off my chair!

It turns out this friend with the perfect little life that I envied – found out only after three years of dating and two years of marriage – that her beloved has serious problem that he hid from her and the rest of the world for years. He hid it very well.

For the sake of privacy, I won't go into detail.

Once she revealed all this, I realized that if I – who considered myself to be their ‘fringe friend’ if anything - am the first person out of everyone she knows that she sees fit to sponsor her child in the Sacrament of Baptism – I must accept.

If she’ll have me, I’ll even consider renting out my condo to go live with her and help with baby.

Most of all, God is showing me that sometimes rejection is protection. My Lord has not provided me a husband. My challenge of being alone is less than my friend’s challenge of leaving the man she loves and raising her baby alone.

Please pray for my friend, that the messiness of this impending divorce does not further wound her spirit. That her child might know the love of both parents and that of the friends around them all.

Edited to add: I am already Godparent/Sponsor to two! The first is my oldest niece - who graduates from High School this spring and the second is my best friend's 3-year old daughter.
In the unlikely event I were to become responsible for all of these children - I'd be pretty busy pretty fast. Maybe it's time to stop praying for babies!!

Sometimes... Nothing but First Place Counts

I'm still waiting to hear about that job.
The job I was supposed to hear about on Monday.
Called them on Tuesday and was told they are still deciding and that I'm one of the reasons it's so difficult to decide.

I got a call today saying I'm definitely in the top three - out of the 16 people they interviewed.
They had a few more questions for me. I answered. And now I wait some more.

I can't stand it.
I get that a lot. "You're in the top 2 or 3 candidates."

Well, my friend - that's nice but it really doesn't matter unless I'm Number One!
Second place in the Olympics is still an accomplishment.
Second place for a job - there isn't even a consolation prize.

Hoping to know by the end of the day Monday.

A Society that Supports Evil

I really don't want to be political here on my blog - but some things are just too important to ignore.

My greatest concern stemming from this election is the fate of unwanted children.

Barack Obama's stance on Abortion rights is the most liberal I have seen. It's terrifying. He supports late term abortion to the degree that if the child comes out of the procedure alive, he does not support legislation for a doctor to intervene.
Horrifying! See this video Born Alive - please. It's not graphic.

With the Democrats in control of the House the Senate and now the White House, the reality of federally funded abortions is coming closer. (I don't want my tax dollars used for the murders of unborn children! Just because they are incovenient!) We are becoming a society that supports the most heinious form of evil and most of America doesn't even realize it because it's disguised in acceptable wording!

Jen over at Conversion Diary says it better than I could. Please read her post today.

Some folks are arguing about the semantics of the evils she compares. But I agree with Jen, the point is about the evils we as a society excuse.

Evil is evil - there are not varying degrees.

And a society that gives up it's moral compass has no hope. It will take America decades to recover from this evil if we don't start standing up for what is right - now!

And please don't argue with me here about whether a fetus is a person or a baby. I hold that the pro-choice stance (which is not brave enough to call themselves pro-abortion or anti-life because that sounds ugly, they like to sanitize their verbage) only calls it a fetus to cover up the ugly reality.

Really? This was a Surprise?!

An article came out yesterday that addresses an issue I've long been concerned about. It presents a study that found exposure to sex on television shows has a link to teenage sexual behavior. And perhaps a link to the high rate of teenage pregnancies.

The RAND Corp. study is the first of its kind to identify a link between teenagers’ exposure to sexual content on TV and teen pregnancies. The study, released Monday and published in the November edition of the journal Pediatrics, found that teens exposed to high levels of sexual content on television were twice as likely to be involved in a pregnancy in the following three years as teens with limited exposure.

The authors of the study are quick to point out that television exposure is not the only link. Obviously.
But I've always felt that it stands to reason that the portrayal of sexual scenarios on TV shows has to be an influence on behavior.

When I was a kid, our parents watched TV with us. They may or may not have absorbed in the show, but they were in the room and able to gauge what was going on.
When CHiPs showed bikini clad girls on the beach my brother and I covered our eyes and asked mom to tell us when we could look again. As children, we saw no need to oogle half naked people. Same thing when grownups were kissing on TV. Ewww. We covered our eyes.

As I got older I saw shows and movies in which the love interests would start kissing - and the scene would cut to them in bed together - post-coitus.

Now I'm a Catholic girl and I'll admit that as teenagers we figured out a lot of ways to occupy ourselves between smooching and intercourse! I'm not proud of it, but hey - I never got pregnant either!

When I saw these portrayals, I wondered why there was always the presumption that the couple had sex. Especially since the portrayal was usually the first date. (Ha - it's typically the first time they kissed!) That seemed so strange to me. Didn't they talk about how they hardly knew one another? Whether they were going to use protection? Whether abortion is an option for either of them - or if they both plan to keep the other in their lives until that little sperm turns 18 years old?!

Another bit of the article: The bold is mine.

“We were surprised to find this link,” said Anita Chandra, the study’s lead author and a behavioral scientist at RAND, a nonpartisan, nonprofit research organization. “But teens spend a good amount of their time watching television — an average of three hours a day — and we don’t know a lot about its impact on their health decisions …

Seriously? This is a surprise?

Kids used to be sent out of the room when a couple on TV kissed! And now sit-com characters are doing the horizontal on the screen at 7:00pm! Yeah, society has changed!

I remember mentioning to a woman I worked with, that the show Friends (which was new and all the rage at the time) wasn't realistic because the characters sleep with every single person they date. "People don't do that." I said.
She thought for a second and remarked, that yes, she had slept with every guy she had dated.

I was stunned! But not too stunned, she was single with a 3 year old child after all. But every guy? Do you have any standards at all?
My point is, if that is what is represented as reality - how big of a stretch is it to BECOME reality?

Look what is on TV - regular TV, not cable... I don't have cable.. so what I'm referring to is prime time - free for all entertainment.

Friends - I love this show but they talk about sex a lot. They don't show it. The most they show is couples in bed under the sheets afterward. The only time consequences are addressed is after Rachel is pregnant and Ross can't understand, because they used condoms. "Yes, but condoms are only 99% effective." "What?!" Screeches Ross. "They should put that on the box!" It's in re-runs at all times of day now.

Sex and the City - it's in re-runs on regular TV now. They cut out the graphic details but, let's be real. The women are S L U T T Y. I heard a woman talking about watching SATC with her teenage daughter - how they both love the show. What?! Why is a teenager watching SATC? Sex and the City is for jaded single adults like me! Not for kids.

oh... and the worst offender of all -

Two and a Half Men - I used to think this show was funny but it's turned into the most pathetic display of skirt chasing ever to be beamed in the tube. Worst of all, the kid on the show is a witness to it all - and he says things that would have gotten my brother's mouth washed out with soap! and the adults on the show just act like it's funny.
The characters on this show are teaching the child that women are empty vessels to be used for sex. Sex has no consequences - apart from the occasional slap across the face. They make no bones about it. In the first season or two - Alan's character would try to cover for his brother Charlie's behavior - but they have long since give that up.

This show is in re-runs at 4:30 in the afternoon! Is THIS appropriate during a time of day that children are watching unsupervised?

If you think parents are sitting there adding a dose of reality to what the kids are seeing on the screen - you are sadly mistaken!
And that is the greater issue here. Parents need to monitor what goes into their kids eyes and ears and brains. I'm not saying that parents need to shelter them, but at least give them a reference for what is right and wrong. That what they see on that show is for entertainment value and sex is bigger than that.

See Meredith Viera and Dr. Nancy Snyderman discuss the study on The Today Show.

Now THAT's a Friend!

Message on my voicemail:

Hey, this is T

from the background " and S…!"

Oh and S. He’s in the car next to me. We just called to say Happy Halloween late.
We were wondering if you got that job or not. … Any word?

Cuz we think you should move back to Omaha. We think you should buy our house and
we even have a guy we want to set you up with.

So boy, talk about the whole package. If we can find you a job in Omaha it’ll be a tri-fecta!


Honestly, I'd move back just for the house. This gem is adorable! I'm so tempted.
Since it's a bad time to sell - we've discussed my renting the house until I can afford to buy. I've already pictured all my furniture in their living room!

Not So Scary

My Halloween costume:

Get it? You might not be able to tell from the photo but the dress is bright blue.

I admit I stole the idea from another blogger last year.

A certain Courtney went as The Devil in a Blue Dress. I already had the devil details, found the dress on the cheap at a Ross store! Score!

And it's cute enough to wear for other occasions.

I went out with the same group that went Salsa Dancing earlier this week. Yes, including hat guy, er Hot Guy! The bloom has left that rose! He's still smokin' hot but I'm not terribly impressed with his personality. No biggie. He just seems to be the guy who is too concerned that I'm drinking water or soda. Red flag.

In my experience, people who are overly concerned that I'm not drinking or only had two drinks are A) not concerned about my best interest and B) looking for company so they don't feel so bad about their drinking.

Not good signs.

But I will say, he walked in dressed as a surgeon... fake blood splattered all over his scrubs. And let me tell you he looked pretty McDreamy (overlooking the blood of course). But I had to laugh, here he was dressed as a doctor or surgeon - with his only prop being tongue depressors. Pretty funny. How do you get so covered in blood if all you're doing is checking for Strep Throat?!?!

Update: I shared the tongue depressor observation with the fabulous Kimberly who remarked, "What? Do you rip out kid's tonsils with your fist?!" Oh I wish I were as quick witted!!!