Saturday, February 28, 2009

I Don't Know

I'm not sure if I'm ready to share this... but something compels me to tap it out on the keyboard. Maybe I just need to journal it for myself.

Mr. Burns and I have been talking. Since a month and a half after we broke up, we've been talking about once every two weeks. Sometimes more. Usually for an hour at a time.

I haven't exactly been kind to him either. My heart is still hurt. So much so that he has asked if I have any good memories of our relationship. Sure. But it does me no good to dwell on that right now.

At first, it was him telling me about the part of the him that wants to be the man to put a ring on my finger and keep me forever. But then there is the part of him that just doesn't know.

I finally told him to keep it to himself.
"You, on the fence is not news. I don't need to hear about it. It's hurtful." It's insulting is what it is. "If you ever decide to get off the fence and pick a side... that I'd like to hear about."

Once I said that, I didn't hear from him for two full weeks.
Then he called and told me that he thinks about me often. He misses me. He really loved sharing his life with me and he misses that.

He told me that the night we broke up... he pulled the car over on the way home, crying. He almost turned around and came back. I wonder what would have happened if he had. He said that he wasn't ready for us to break up, but he accepted that it was what I needed. True. I couldn't take the status quo anymore. Working so hard for nothing to change.

Now, as he thinks about just what a good match we were, that maybe we should try to make this work.

I asked him if he was just sharing thoughts, or if he was asking me something. He didn't have an answer for that.

I did tell him that there is a lot that is broken that needs to be repaired. If we would try to get back together, repair is the first priority. But I didn't say that we would.

Last night, I talked to friends from church, a couple who has been married for at least 15 years.
The husband told me, "The reason a man doesn't get married is either he doesn't love her or he thinks someone better is out there."

Hmmm.

So I put that criteria before myself.
Do I love him? I think so. I'm still hurt, and I don't know if what I'm feeling is hurt or not loving him.
Do I think I might find someone better?
You know what? Sometimes I do think that there might be someone as good for me or better out there - but I am quite certain I won't run into that guy for another 30 years.
I am not being sarcastic. Or funny. Or glib. Or defeatist. Or obstinate. I really believe it. That guy is not showing up until I'm at least 60.
So if I'm with Mr. Burns for the next 20-30 years, I won't be looking that other guy anyway.

And who knows what life brings. Maybe I'll need someone else when I'm 68.
Maybe it's worth seeing if this will work.
But I'm not giving Mr. Burns more than 3 months this time - unless I'm absolutely positive he is ready to go where I am ready to go.

If he decides to ask me a question, I think I'll tell him that he has permission to pursue me.
Show me what ya got.

At least, that's what I think right now.

15 comments:

Bobbi said...

I hope Mr. Burns finally gets his act together and realizes what a great catch you are.
Oh yeah, and how stupid he was for letting you go and not appreciating you and everything you have to offer.

Good luck, I hope it all works out for you.

Anonymous said...

I know I don't deserve to even have an opinion on this but I have been reading your blog for months now and I have been rooting for you! I hear that you really want to find the right guy and make a life together. I want that for you. I don't think that Mr. Burns deserves you! He has wasted enough of your time and love. I believe God will bring you a guy worthy of you if He want you to have that fullfilled life you desire. Maybe He doesn't want that for you. Can you accept that? If not, settling for Mr. Burns may be a difficult lesson in finding contentment in His will. I hope not.

Anonymous said...

You need to follow the advice of your friends. It is true. If he doesn't ask you, than why are you waiting around for him? You don't know when that special someone might be out there for you. God doesn't tell you for a reason. It is to increase your faith. Trust God that He has good things for you. He gives good things to His children.

auntie said...

I've been in your shoes, and it's so hard, isn't it? Knowing that there might be a possibility that things could work out the way you thought they were going to in the first place! It messes with your head.

That guy friend/ex-boyfriend of mine that I posted about recently on my blog - the one that's getting married now - was my Mr. Burns. First, he knew that he wanted me. And then he wasn't sure. And then he was pretty sure that I was The One. But then he wasn't certain. It was awful! I wish I'd had the courage to tell him “no” when he asked for a second chance. But…he said he missed me and had just been scared the first time. I gave him a second chance, and it was the same thing all over again.

You might think I’m telling you not to give him a second chance if he asks for it, but I’m not. In my case, I’m glad we gave it another try, because I was able to be more open with him the second time around, and I feel like we both really gave it our all. It didn’t work out, but if we hadn’t tried, I wouldn’t have been sure that we didn’t belong together. Does that make sense? He already knew deep down that we weren’t “it” for each other, but I needed to know it, too, even if it meant going through all the pain again.

On the other hand, it’s not always a good idea to give someone another chance. My instinct tells me that if Mr. Burns is still not sure about you, then he never will be. I get the feeling that your phone conversations are mostly a way of making him feel better – it hurts too much to be apart from you, and talking on the phone is a bandaid for the pain. The problem I see is that he hasn’t told you that anything has changed for him. He loves you – yes. He misses you – yes. But he’s still not sure. I think that probably tells you everything you need to know.

Sorry for the long comment, but I thought maybe it would give you some food for thought. I do hope that everything works out for you both, whether you are together or apart.

debbie. said...

I wish I could make the decision for you...but cut and run NOW! Mr. Burns had many opportunities and time and by continuing to talk to him...well...I think you're delaying your healing process and Mr. Burns' time has passed. And if you truly believe that his time hasn't passed, then I think that he must make for you a compelling argument that YOU are THE ONE and he can't imagine life without YOU and can't imagine loving anyone else more than YOU.

I don't doubt he misses you, loves you, etc etc etc...but be sure that it is YOU that he misses and not being in a relationship that he misses more.

Honey, though it's hard...DON'T SETTLE!!

you said "At first, it was him telling me about the part of the him that wants to be the man to put a ring on my finger and keep me forever. But then there is the part of him that just doesn't know."

I know that sometimes the Harry Met Sally part of me thinks if I just hold out, he'll come around like Harry did...but I believe the odds of that are really unlikely.

Bottom line? we all can tell you what to do...but only God can give you peace about whether or not to move forward with Mr. Burns...I do think talking with him is bad news...can only lead to further heartbreak.

You deserve only the best.
You deserve a man who utterly adores you.
God already knows who that man is...even though we may not.

Praying for you!

Gail and Keith said...

I don't know either you or Mr. Burns, but on the surface, from what you've shared, it appears that Mr. Burns is in love with the idea of a relationship, but not "in love." When he has you, he doesn't want commitment, but when he doesn't have you, he likes the challenge of getting you back, but that's as far as he's willing to go. It would appear you need to totally cut the line and move on rather than allowing him to dangle you on the hook. Gail

Blue Castle said...

I had a feeling there was still more to this Mr. Burns thing than you mentioned on your blog. I'm glad you're talking to him. I hope that he either decides to pursue you, or he decides to let you go. And I hope that happens at a time that is good for you and your heart.

God bless you.

Anonymous said...

Many people break up, get back together and break up again.

Many people break up, get back together and go on to have loving relationships for the rest of their lives.

Every answer you seek lies within yourself.

Laura said...

Tammy - You may find six or eight responses from me in your queue to approve or disapprove. THEY'RE ALL THE SAME!!!! Blogger is being stupid, and I have no idea if they're submitting to you or not.

so I'm sending this.

If you DIDN'T get any of my comments... drop me an e-mail: purple-hayes@hotmail.com, and I'll send you the actual post.

Otherwise, just post one of them.

And delete this one, 'cause it was just for you!!

~Laura

Laura said...

Of course THAT one would publish!!! GYYAHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Laura said...

Ok. It seems to be working now, so I'll add my 62 cents...

We've been dabbing into each other's lives a little over the past couple of months here, so you know that I am also dealing with relationship "issues" (love that word... so vague).

This reminds me of two of my posts: Give a Little (http://worldturned.blogspot.com/2009/01/give-little.html) and Winter of My Discontent (http://worldturned.blogspot.com/2008/11/winter-of-my-discontent.html).

In the first, I talk about how difficult it is when one person is required by the other to make all the tough decisions. I see that here. He can't make up HIS mind, so he strings you along, hoping that you'll decide for him. Either you'll say, "Ok, fine, let's get back together," or "Sorry, I'm done with this. We're done."

Either way, the "fault" is yours, because YOU were the one who decided. (unless it's a success, then it was a joint decision!) It takes the responsibility off of him.

In the second, it's the illustration of what women do... Giving one more "last" chance. Over and over and over again. He can't decide what to do, so he asks for one more chance, and, like Gail said, strings you along so his "insurance" doesn't run out.

Like everyone else said, I can't make this decision for you, and I don't know Mr. Burns. Perhaps this indecision is out of character for him. Perhaps he really *is* confused and perplexed. But looking in from the outside, and having the experience that I do.... I fear that this behavior won't change if you choose to marry him. Will ALL the hard decisions fall to you, because he can't make them? And are you O.K. with that? That matters, too.

Anonymous said...

It seems like your settling if you do get back with him because you think you won't find the right one for another 60 years. But just the fact that you know you can find someone better doesnt that tell you something? Why would you settle just to have someone and waste more time rather than finding someone who trully wants you and isn't wishy washy. Wouldnt you rather wait for this person who possibly could come tomorrow ? rather than continue to give your heart to someone who is only half way in and thinks he can come and go as he pleases? I am in no way trying to bash you or anything like that but after reading your blog for a few months and just reading this post to me it seems like its "safer" and "easier" to go back to something/someone you know rather than waiting for someone who is worth your time and effort.

Genevra said...

Hello,

Listen, whatever you decide it took courage to post this when you weren't sure if you were ready, and hear what others truthfully had to say. I appreciate that, because in one way or another we have all been there in some type of relationship, romantic or not. Good luck!

Caribbean Shulamite said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Caribbean Shulamite said...

Just left you a long P.S. after re-reading and re-thinking but something went wrong and I lost it. It's really late so please don't think I'm blunt in this attempt to convey the same quickly.

I have to say I strongly agree with the caution the other comments contained. It almost seems that Mr Burns is wondering/worrying whether he is the one 'settling'...This should not be.

You know I am writing with my own drama in this dept yet the one thing I did have that made all the difference in deciding to try again, was the decisiveness my now ex-bf had about me. He always decisively let me know he loved me and wanted me to be his wife. Also, apart from when we were in the middle of a meltdown, this certainty showed in the way he spoke, smiled at/gazed at me, served me in simple, everyday things. I felt adored and cherished. A woman/wife should know this in the man she is willing to marry. It doesn't solve problems but it is a huge deal.

A groom should rejoice over his bride. And it should be the same for someone a guys says that he loves (I like to read Isa 62 and all throughout the bible where Christ and His Bride is mentioned).

I really want the best for you.

background