I Don't Know

I'm not sure if I'm ready to share this... but something compels me to tap it out on the keyboard. Maybe I just need to journal it for myself.

Mr. Burns and I have been talking. Since a month and a half after we broke up, we've been talking about once every two weeks. Sometimes more. Usually for an hour at a time.

I haven't exactly been kind to him either. My heart is still hurt. So much so that he has asked if I have any good memories of our relationship. Sure. But it does me no good to dwell on that right now.

At first, it was him telling me about the part of the him that wants to be the man to put a ring on my finger and keep me forever. But then there is the part of him that just doesn't know.

I finally told him to keep it to himself.
"You, on the fence is not news. I don't need to hear about it. It's hurtful." It's insulting is what it is. "If you ever decide to get off the fence and pick a side... that I'd like to hear about."

Once I said that, I didn't hear from him for two full weeks.
Then he called and told me that he thinks about me often. He misses me. He really loved sharing his life with me and he misses that.

He told me that the night we broke up... he pulled the car over on the way home, crying. He almost turned around and came back. I wonder what would have happened if he had. He said that he wasn't ready for us to break up, but he accepted that it was what I needed. True. I couldn't take the status quo anymore. Working so hard for nothing to change.

Now, as he thinks about just what a good match we were, that maybe we should try to make this work.

I asked him if he was just sharing thoughts, or if he was asking me something. He didn't have an answer for that.

I did tell him that there is a lot that is broken that needs to be repaired. If we would try to get back together, repair is the first priority. But I didn't say that we would.

Last night, I talked to friends from church, a couple who has been married for at least 15 years.
The husband told me, "The reason a man doesn't get married is either he doesn't love her or he thinks someone better is out there."

Hmmm.

So I put that criteria before myself.
Do I love him? I think so. I'm still hurt, and I don't know if what I'm feeling is hurt or not loving him.
Do I think I might find someone better?
You know what? Sometimes I do think that there might be someone as good for me or better out there - but I am quite certain I won't run into that guy for another 30 years.
I am not being sarcastic. Or funny. Or glib. Or defeatist. Or obstinate. I really believe it. That guy is not showing up until I'm at least 60.
So if I'm with Mr. Burns for the next 20-30 years, I won't be looking that other guy anyway.

And who knows what life brings. Maybe I'll need someone else when I'm 68.
Maybe it's worth seeing if this will work.
But I'm not giving Mr. Burns more than 3 months this time - unless I'm absolutely positive he is ready to go where I am ready to go.

If he decides to ask me a question, I think I'll tell him that he has permission to pursue me.
Show me what ya got.

At least, that's what I think right now.

Success!

The quest for the perfect pair of jeans... forget it... a pair of jeans is excruciating. I can't even tell you how long I have been looking for a pair of jeans. I think it comes close to two years. Not kidding. My old reliable pair is about to lose the riveted button from wear - and you know once that's gone, there's no replacing it. I have to find jeans now.

I buy maybe a pair of jeans a year, probably even less. I'm learning I might as well spend more money on jeans - cuz that breaks down to something like .0000001 cent per wear! There was a year that I had great success at TJM*xx and bought 2 or 3 pairs. There have been times that it was way easier (and more relaxing) to search for a bathing suit than it was to find jeans.

It must be hard for everyone because I'm a size 3 with a teeny tiny butt, and from what I read and hear, that's supposed to make it easy. I am here to witness to you - it doesn't. It just goes to show that everybody has their challenges.

And I'm picky. I hate the jeans with faded streaks at the hips or other accent points. Can they please stop doing that?! Please. I don't want jeans that have strategically placed rips, strategically patched or stitched over. Please. I'm a grown up and I might want to wear my jeans to work on occasion, without looking like I walked out of some hip hop video.

That is the special challenge of my size, I only fit in the jr's department. Hard to look like a grown up when you're wearing teenager's clothes! Everyone says they would love to have that problem - okay - how about you walk in my shoes for 30 years and then check back with me?

You might have guessed that I am here to announce that I found a pair of jeans! Yay me! Luck of lucks, they were at M*cy's in the high fashion section - marked down from $120 to $39.99!! Good thing too because I have to take them to the tailor for hemming. Cost estimate to come...

I can't find the exact jeans to show you but they look a lot like this:


Ahem... my butt does not look like that.


I love the trouser style. Grown up. Stylish, but conservative enough for this nearly middle-aged woman to wear to work once in a while. Lucky me. And yeah... there was only one pair left on the rack. Boo.

While I'm at it, let me show you the super-cute, yellow peep toe heels I found for $14.


















and the silver strappies for $15. Awesome!



















Oh, and remember when I was looking for the perfect winter nightie? I ended up with this beauty from G*P B*dy. Not bad eh?


Just doing my small part to help the economy.
Now if only it were spring so I could get out of these winter clothes and start wearing those yellow shoes!!!

Yeah, I Went on a Chocolate Run. So?

This afternoon, I poked my head into my bosses' office, "I'm going out for chocolate. I'll be right back." I told him.

He didn't bat an eye.

For a woman who never once craved chocolate before I turned 30 - the craving I had today completely rocked me.

I'd had a good lunch, even had some leftover and put it in the office fridge.
When I felt hungry 40 minutes later I knew I wasn't actually hungry. I wanted something... carby... and chocolate. I need cake!

I tried to ignore it for another 4o minutes but my body was insistant.
Day two of Mother Nature's annoying gift. I need cake. Chocolate Cake.

There is a grocery store near my office. I was sure I could buy a slice. But you know - you can't trust that grocery store cake to be chocolate or even chocolate flavored. Sometimes it's just brown cake. That would not do.

My car took me straight to the nearest St*rbucks. When I walked in the door, two double chocolate cupcakes with thick chocolate frosting greeted me cheerfully. I'll take both of them.

Oh... it was so good!
Soooooo gooooood.

And I'm proud to say there is still one cupcake left to tempt me on Ash Wednesday.

I've Been Tagged!

Bobbi tagged me in a purse Meme! I'm supposed to take a picture of my purse and all it's contents.

I have to admit that I chastised her a bit- because the inside of my purse was a wreck - and I've been looking for new purse for the latest Huge Purse trend. Oh - to shame myself with my old purse!

So here goes. This is my current purse. It's a Nine West that I picked up at either TJM*xx or R*ss - possibly a year ago.

I've received many compliments on it - but I'm over it now. We're in a recession - it's time for a huge purse! (Honestly, it's a sociological trend! When economic times are bad - purses get bigger and hemlines get shorter - I think. I may be confused on the hemline bit)

Here are the contents. Actually, it looked much less messy once I laid it all out. Apparently a purse inspection is great for organizing one's purse!

1 - My cell phone

2 - Pile of receipts

3 - Hair options. I carry them but rarely use them.

4 - Food Allergy list. I carry it for restaurant use, to show waitstaff when I'm selecting a dish. Yes, there are two categories, one=deadly; two=severe discomfort, potential anaplylaxis & hives!

5- My wallet. It's HOBO International. I just love it! Bought on vacation.

6 - another little wallet that snaps closed. This is where I keep my shopping club cards, gift cards and so forth.

7 - photo of a friends baby that she just gave me the other day. (the photo not the baby!)

8 - It looks like a matchbook, but it's actually a little pad of paper. Never know when you need to write a note.

9 - Claim ticket from the tailor. I took two belts in to be shortened.

10 - Also looks like a matchbook - rather it's a little case of small emery boards that tear out like paper matches.

11 - my work badge. It gets me into the courthouse without having to stand in line for the metal detectors!

12 - various business cards accumulated in the past month.

13 - spare car keys

14 -nail clippers. I always have splits that I must cut just to continue on with my day.

15 - my favorite gum. Eclipse, Winterfrost

16 - a little envelope intended to contain notes and receipts.

17 - Blistex - I can't go 40 minutes without reapplying & Buxom lip gloss - it was a free sample. I like it.

18- a pack of oil blotting tissues. Again, kept in my purse but never use them!

19 - mechanical pencil - I usually have a pen in there but not today.

So now that I've shamed myself with my purse contents - I have to show off my new huge purse!

Do you suppose that I love Orange? It's a brand called Emilie M. I have several bags from this maker - I always find them at TJM*xx & R*ss and I assume it's one of the makers that knocks off the high-end bags. Because these are never made of real leather and they are around only $19.99! I would rather have a selection of affordable bags that I don't mind getting tired of - than one expensive designer bag. But that's just me.

Here are both bags together to emphasize the size difference!

And I'm going to tag... hmm.... I'm dying to see Katie's bag and .... let's see... Melanie from This Ain't New York! (I happen to know she just went to Target! She got shoes, it's no stretch to guess she has a new bag.)

Beg, Borrow - Pray

While I was unemployed (through 2008 and much of 2007) I was at once panicked and unaffected about money concerns. Either I was too dumb to know to be worried, or too confident that I would be okay.

To be honest, I had a few thousand dollars in savings to live on - but let's be real here - $2,000 or $3,000 doesn't last 14 months. Not with a mortgage to pay each month.

Still every month I was able to make that mortgage payment, and buy groceries, and put gas in my car. Every. Month.

My friends thought I was some sort of genius with money - but if you really know me - you know that sure ain't true! Every month, I would look at my bank balance and PRAISE GOD. It was SO God providing for me. No other way to explain it.

When, after all those months I was finally in contention for a real job - I prayed and prayed. If you remember, I was one of three candidates that they took 3 weeks to decide between. I told the Lord that I recognized that I did all I could do. I'm qualified, I interviewed, and they are seriously considering me. It's out of my hands God, it's in Your hands. You know if this is the right job for me - so I will trust when I hear the news - whether I get it or don't get it - that it is Your plan.

After seeing God miraculously provide for me all that time, I was shamed into recognizing that I never, never in all my adult years took Tithing seriously.

A journalism degree does not beget loads of money. It doesn't even beget a sufficient living wage.
I always rationalized that I couldn't give up 10% of my income because I had to eat. Until recently I never put money in a 401k - not even when there was a 50% match - because I couldn't trust that I could get by with what would be left. And to be honest, things were always tight. I would borrow $100 or $200 bucks here and there from my parents just to maintain my car or pay my rent. No way could I put $100 bucks in the collection basket at church.

But I had 14 months to witness God providing for me and I promised Him, when I got a job I would give Him back 10%. It's definitely time.

Well, funds were low those first few months of employment. It took a few weeks to even get my first paycheck, then there was Christmas and traveling home. Funds were mysteriously thinner than when I was unemployed.

So January was my first month putting 10% in the basket.
I'll admit it was hard to write that check. I prayed over it, and I told God, "Seriously, this isn't easy." It was hard right up until I dropped that envelope in the basket.

Outside of insurance, mortgage payments and other bills, I NEVER drop that amount on anything.

I get paid this week, and this is the paycheck from which I write my Tithing contribution.

At the same time, I'm thinking about that plane ticket home for my niece's (The Champ) graduation in May. The rental car I'll need to drive the three hours from the airport to my hometown. My share of the laptop computer we plan to give her for college. I'm thinking about the tires I need on my car. The driver's side window that needs repairing. The credit card that paid for groceries some weeks. I'm thinking how much easier it will be to handle all that if I don't write the Tithing check each month. I think about how smart it would be to save all that money considering the economic crisis.

But then I think about how my job with the City is up for review in March. They could reduce my hours. They might cut my job. (although it's doubtful, they needed to hire three positions but only filled mine) Then I think about how God provides. And I think, probably wrongly, that if I commit to this 10% - maybe it's like insurance. God promises that what we give up will be returned threefold. Maybe God will bless me by insuring that the City doesn't cut my job despite the $56 million budget shortfall.

I have to write that check. But does it count if I do it begrudgingly? Maybe there is a grace period for getting used to Tithing.

Bloggy friends, please tell me how you do it! Inspire me. I beg you.

Then today, I am rattled to the core.

One of my favorite bloggy reads is Amy Beth at Ministry So Fabulous. She is just a young pup - 25 I think - and she has started a Ministry for young girls and teenagers. She was inspired to do this when she was in college - and now this young, beautiful woman is knee deep in an incredible ministry, teaching young women to love and trust God. Her ministry isn't glamorous. Dealing with young women, young girls she really gets her hands dirty with broken hearts, emotional and sexual abuse. This is a woman who I'm betting - is on dozens of young women's speed dial - she's a first responder when tragedy lands them in the hospital. Those girls NEED her. She is their witness to God's saving grace.

Her ministry runs on donations, and lately donors have been writing smaller checks, or pulling out all together. Today Starlite's biggest donor did just that. Dear Sweet Amy Beth is devastated and praying for God to provide.

And I'm wondering if my Tithing check should go to Starlite this month.
My church parish is on the wealthy side. They'll make it without my money.
Tonight I'm praying for God to give me some sign.

I'm also hoping Amy Beth puts together a button that I can link on my blog - so that if any of you are inspired to help her ministry - you might be compelled to do so.

She's so amazing and such a beautiful soldier for Christ - I want to see her ministry go national someday. She can't stop now.

Don't even...

Despite my better judgement, I still want to go see He's Just Not That Into You.
When the theory was first espoused on Sex and the City - it was indeed, revolutionary. My reaction was similar to Miranda's - what a relief! That's easy. Just move on.

I caught a bit of the Bonnie Hunt show one morning when I was home sick. She said that the phrase just rubs her the wrong way. How about, "He's just not mature enough to be good for anyone right now." she suggested, saying that "He's just not that into you - still lets guys off the hook and puts the blame on women."

I like her point. I suggested it to a few friends. Maybe he's not healthy enough for a relationship. Let's place the blame squarely on him shall we?

Then this weekend I spent time with one of my favorite guy friends. We are both having trouble finding love, and we are comfortable enough with one another that we can share our true feelings.

I told him Bonnie Hunt's theory. He had to agree it was valid.
I also told him how I'm too defeated to even go out anymore. That I figure I'm not going meet anyone dateable anyway, so why bother spending all that time blowing my hair out straight.

He laughed and made a play on the Deana Carter song title... "I Blew Out My Hair for This?"
I wish I could remember the other lines we came up with.
I shared some dating experiences - embellished for best hilarity - which reminded us both that I have enough material for a book. Then we started batting around titles, playing on "He's Just Not That Into You"

We settled on... Just.Don't.Even

How to Stay Single

According to my recollection - I thought Forbes came out with their Best Cities to be Single list each year around Valentine's day. I decided to contact their editor and beg them to p l e a s e leave Denver off the list this year!

Ugh. You have no idea how awful it is, as a single woman in Denver to be shot between the eyes with that ammunition in the middle of a conversation with your married friends!

You know, you're just talking about what's going on in your life and they look all confused and say, "But Denver is one of the best cities in the country to be single..." You just know they want to complete that sentence with "...so clearly it's your problem."

I've lived here for six and half years... and I figured out after three years It's the best city in the country to REMAIN single.

Seriously. I know a lot of single men. And I know a lot of single women in this city. If the high quality, gorgeous, successful, smart and fit women that I know are all on the bench (to use a sports metaphor) the men must have it pretty dang easy.

Ah. Easy. There you go. That is the precisely the problem in Denver.
The men here encounter plenty of women who think it's normal to have sex by the third date. Not only that, they think waiting 'til the third date is 'holding out'.

With pickings like that, why would men put in the effort with a quality woman who exhibits actual standards? Why would they expend any energy on a decent woman when they can just go down to LoDo, pick up some chick and get lucky that night? Who needs a relationship when those needs are met?

I know I sound defensive and whiny... but it is this knowledge that has made me a bit of a hermit since ending my last relationship um --- Oh wow --- it's almost 5 months ago! Ugh.

I find myself with such a defeatist attitude.
I think, Why should I go out? If I go out to a club tonight I'm not going to meet a nice Catholic guy, who values abstinence. One who values God's way even though it's not always instantly gratifying.

Nope. If I go out tonight, I'm just going to have to weed through the creeps I've already weeded through. They just keep growing back. (mixing metaphors now!)

I have sort of resigned myself to being alone because I'm not going to find half the man Mr. Burns is... and even Mr. Burns proved not to be enough man for me. What's the point?

And for the record, when I got to Forbes' website it revealed that they put the list out in October - and Denver is bumped down to the 20s. Praise God!

Patron Saint of the Single

With Single's Awareness Day* rounding the bend, I set out on a task from God.

I don't know if other denominations do this, but in the Catholic Church, we have a time after the Homily, and before the Eucharist in which we offer up prayer petitions.
They usually include prayers for the sick, prayers for our nation's leaders (smart move) and other special intentions followed by the congregation saying together: "Lord, hear our prayer."

It's nice. When I was a kid in Catholic school we were encouraged to add our own... we asked for rain, good crops... and when one of my cousins was pregnant (I was around 8 years old) I prayed each day for nine months that she would have a happy and healthy baby. Today he is a handsome young man, safely back from a lengthy tour in Iraq. God does answer prayers.

I know I'm not the only one who recognizes how singles are left out of almost everything at church - so today I called the church office asking for the person responsible for coordinating the petitions for this weekend's services.

When I reached her, I said that I thought it would be appropriate, in light of Valentine's day - to offer a prayer for the single adults of the parish.

I fully expected her to ask for an example - and had one prepared - but all she said was that she would have to check with Father.

Okay. At least I made my hopes and prayers known. I will report back to let you know how it went over.

But may I encourage you to do the same? Ask your priest or pastor to recognize, and pray over the pain in many lives. And if you're married - wow - it would blow me away if you could make this happen.

Here's the intention I composed in case she asked:

For the Single Adults in our parish. That they might experience God's love in a tangible way, through our church community.

or

During this season in which we witness love in our family and in our marriages, we pray for Single Adults in our parish who might instead experience the sting of loneliness. May they feel God's love in our church community.

I guess my priest's response will tell me just how seriously he takes it. He does understand, a little. Although his response is that priests feel the same loneliness. Of course I pointed out that priests choose the priesthood - we don't usually choose to be alone. Touche, said he!

Oh - and when I decided on the title of this post, I thought I'd better see whether there really is a Patron Saint for the Single (Other than Bridgette Jones! Ha ha) Turns out there are two! Guess who's going to be called upon at prayer time tonight?!!

* In case you didn't get it - Single's Awareness Day = Valentine's Day - because isn't that really what it is? Round up all the couples so you can tag the singles!!

An Actual Conversaton...

I seem to be on the recovery end of my cold. The majority of my energy is back. We'll just see how long it takes to kick this cough.

But in the height of the yuck, this conversation with my dear friend Kikr:

Me: What I don't understand - and I'm sorry if this is gross - is how you can blow your nose every 5 seconds and yet there is always more!

Kikr: Oh. I can explain exactly why. (she is an audiologist and therefore understands the mysterious things that happen between the ears and behind the nose)

Silence.

Me: So you're saying I don't want to know?

Kikr: Uh. Yeah. The answer is way grosser than the question!

I'm guessing it has something to do with that ugly mucus character from the TV commerical.


She thought it best to wait and tell me when I'm healthy - and not plagued with the disgusting reality myself!


What a good friend.

More Notes from the Sofa...

There is a fundamental quote hidden in the unlikely movie "The Object of My Affection".
The movie is about Nina (Jennifer Aniston) who falls in love with her best friend George (Paul Rudd) - who unfortunately for the love story... is gay.

Also unfortunately, Nina is pregnant and her boyfriend is a loser. She left him.
Hilarity does not ensue. It's a drawn out story of emotion as Nina watches everyone around her fall in love with someone else.

Here comes the line:

Nina's purse is snatched as she leaves the bus station. Six+ months pregnant and lacking everything in her purse - she has no way home. She ducks into a nearby police station where two handsome officers are ending their shifts. They take her report and one of them offers her a ride home.

Nina expresses her gratitude and the handsome cop says, "If I were married I would want someone to drive my wife home."
She reveals that she is not married, though obviously pregnant... and the conversation continues through the drive.

At one point she turns to him and says, "Oh, you are so nice. You should be married."
Handsome cop chuckles and says, "What? You think all nice people are married?"


That's right man. Testify!

Funny. That one little line validated me for today.
So often, I feel left behind. That I must be lacking something - if no one wants to take me as their bride and spend all his days with me.

If only I were a worthwhile person...

Of course I know that's not true. But it is hard when you spend every day of your life alone - come home from work to an empty house - and have no one in particular to call to share news or funny tidbits. No one to feel just awful for you because you are sick with the common cold.

It was just nice to be reminded that not everyone who is great is married.
It's not a reward. (even if society makes it feel that way)

And plenty people who are married are unhappy, feel stuck, feel lonely - and have no one to talk to.
And that's even sadder.

New Favorite Movie Line..

I'm wallowing on the couch with a movie marathon (courtesy: Bl*ckbuster), as I nurse my cold.

First up: The Devil Wears Prada

Laugh out loud moment: "You know what really kills me about this whole thing... is the clothes you're going to get. You don't deserve them. You eat carbs for Chrissake."

I Wrote Something... don't expect much

I'm sick.

Just the other day I realized all my friends and their children were battling colds. I thought to myself: "I haven't been sick in a while... how lucky."

And I swear I wasn't cocky about it. It got me anyway.

I just got the cold yesterday - so that doesn't excuse that I've only been to yoga two times in the past two weeks.

Today, I stayed home for the morning, intending to do what work I could from home - but went into work to do the things I have to do there. I think I'll do the same tomorrow - except I have to do the homework. Or I can tell my co-worker that I can't, and she will do it. We'll see.

Thing is, I'm 'on-call'/ 'freelance' which means I don't get benefits. No pay if I don't work. So I figured half a day's pay was better than none. Pppplllbtt.
My boss is out sick too.

My temperature is 101. Not alarming I know, but still very uncomfortable.

I really require sympathy when I am sick - so I called my mom. Her sympathy was half-hearted. Hard to summon the proper amount of pity when your daughter says. "I'm thick." It's too funny.

I called three friends for sympathy and none of them answered. None of them called back. Took every fiber of my being not to call Mr. Burns.

I know.... and I'm also a drama queen.

Lil' bit.

I'm Lame

hey friends...
sorry I've been away. I'm not really feeling like myself lately. I don't know when I'll have my silly spirit back.

But I promise I'll be back soon.

Talk amongst yourselves...