Monday, August 05, 2013

In My Dreams

Since the whole, "You're everything I'm looking for in a woman, but I'll pass." fiasco, it's been easier to abandon the whole idea of ever, ever meeting my husband.

I mean, if I meet All. The. Criteria. and still end up alone, well then, it's totally out of my hands.  Okay God, it's on You!

Really. Thinking it through, if I hope to find a Catholic man, at this age he is likely to be divorced, and so he must have an annulment before I could marry him. Even if I'm not strictly looking for a Catholic man, then a Christian man who would be able to get an annulment. So you see, the pool is very narrow.  It's just looking impossible. It's not up to me at all.

Makes it easier to release it.
It's miracle time. And miracles aren't up to me.
I'm feeling less frustrated and more, "Hey God, this isn't MY problem. This is on You. You know where to find me. Let me know where to be."

I was talking about this with a friend last night. One of those rare friends who, now married three years with two babies, but who still remembers the pain of being single when you know your vocation is marriage... I told her and her husband that I'm out, I'll be waiting on the miracle and they agree.

Then, in the early morning hours -- I saw him. I dreamt I met my husband.
It almost seems silly now - but it was the type of dream that feels more like a message than a dream.
There were just enough symbols of recognition, points to pay attention to...  something that made my heart feel at ease.  Very close to what I've felt when I've met someone who I connected with, and see potential... but with this extra feeling of peace.

That's it, it was the feeling of peace. Who knows, my husband may not look like this guy, or sound like this guy, or have the particular qualities that were pointed out to me in my dream... but I believe I'll know him when I recognize that sense of peace.

Oh, what life could be like if my heart could just relax in love.
It was such a beautiful feeling.
When your heart aches every day for twenty years, you simply don't remember what it feels like at peace. My heart needed the break! Twelve minutes of peace after all these years...If I could just have twelve minutes more.


Catholic Mutt said...

I'm glad you got a few minutes of peace. I have a date with a guy Friday, and he's nice enough (though the chemistry is somewhere between slim and none) but I realized what's really missing is that peace. And then I thought I was crazy, so reading this makes me feel a little less so. I hope your heart gets that peace in more than a dream soon!

TRS said...

I hope your heart finds it soon too!

Sheesh, the sad thing is I didn't know my heart ached, until that dream. Now I feel it. Bah.

Krissie said...

You hit the nail on the head... you will have that sense of peace and ability to relax in love. Praying Mr. Peace comes your way very soon.

TRS said...

Thanks for confirming that... That maybe it's not this intense attraction, or crazy excitement.... But the sense of peace that allows one's heart to rest... To rest in love.
If that's how it feels, well that's just amazing!
And a little easier to wait on.


Genevra said...

In my opinion dreams are never silly and often have something valuable to share with us, if even just to point out something that we've been thinking a lot about but didn't realize. But those message dreams are especially wonderful to have and treasure. Maybe your dream is pointing that is that unaware ache in your heart and the wonderful peace that is possible by letting go of it? In the end you know better than anyone else the message of your dream. I'm glad you had it. I adore dreams like those, such a gift.

TRS said...

Yes, I meant that it seems silly to be excited about the dream, to feel that it's real. I don't have a very active dream life so simply remembering one after waking is significant for me. Being able to remember the details three days out is unbelievable.

And yes, I too, think it is a message to put all that faith in God... that it was confirmation that my releasing it into God's doing was what needed to happen. So hard for some of us who insist on pretending to have control. As my bestie says... Just get out of His way! If you'd just get out His way you'd see something amazing!