Since the whole, "You're everything I'm looking for in a woman, but I'll pass." fiasco, it's been easier to abandon the whole idea of ever, ever meeting my husband.
I mean, if I meet All. The. Criteria. and still end up alone, well then, it's totally out of my hands. Okay God, it's on You!
Really. Thinking it through, if I hope to find a Catholic man, at this age he is likely to be divorced, and so he must have an annulment before I could marry him. Even if I'm not strictly looking for a Catholic man, then a Christian man who would be able to get an annulment. So you see, the pool is very narrow. It's just looking impossible. It's not up to me at all.
Makes it easier to release it.
It's miracle time. And miracles aren't up to me.
I'm feeling less frustrated and more, "Hey God, this isn't MY problem. This is on You. You know where to find me. Let me know where to be."
I was talking about this with a friend last night. One of those rare friends who, now married three years with two babies, but who still remembers the pain of being single when you know your vocation is marriage... I told her and her husband that I'm out, I'll be waiting on the miracle and they agree.
Then, in the early morning hours -- I saw him. I dreamt I met my husband.
It almost seems silly now - but it was the type of dream that feels more like a message than a dream.
There were just enough symbols of recognition, points to pay attention to... something that made my heart feel at ease. Very close to what I've felt when I've met someone who I connected with, and see potential... but with this extra feeling of peace.
That's it, it was the feeling of peace. Who knows, my husband may not look like this guy, or sound like this guy, or have the particular qualities that were pointed out to me in my dream... but I believe I'll know him when I recognize that sense of peace.
Oh, what life could be like if my heart could just relax in love.
It was such a beautiful feeling.
When your heart aches every day for twenty years, you simply don't remember what it feels like at peace.
My heart needed the break! Twelve minutes of peace after all these years...If I could just have twelve minutes more.