Tuesday, July 30, 2013

A Horrible, Miserable Person

Funny thing about hitting middle age, never married, and shockingly, somehow no surprise babies... if you dwell on it long enough, one might conclude the only way to get there is to be some horrible, miserable person. Someone so unappealing, with no redeeming qualities that would make it quite obvious why no one would devote his life to you.

It's one thing to feel undeserving of babies, quite another to be undeserving of love.

But then again, God doesn't award points on a merit system. Grace and gifts are not earned. Some people are just really lucky to find love, and others less so.

I found a comment in my spam folder, for my last post. Some blogless blogger (only has a blog ID to leave comments for others, not a blogger themselves) suggests that I should look at myself, to understand why I'm in the position I'm in.
As if a woman who has dated as much as I have, and been alive as long as I have, hasn't thought of that! As if there isn't a night that I climb into my empty bed and wonder what I've failed to do in my life up to this point.

Like I haven't asked all my friends and a few strangers what I'm doing wrong?

Yes, I recently dated someone who was crazy about me. He treated me like a queen and wanted nothing more than to make me happy. Is there something wrong with me that I just didn't feel the same for him? There were differences in our faith. There were differences in our entire lives! He had his three kids, and as much as he wanted to make me happy, was not willing or able to have another, so that I could experience motherhood. Even so, that wasn't the end game... but there were enough differences to point to the end.  Does that make me a horrible person? Undeserving of love?

It bugs me enough to wonder if I turned down the one man on earth who would love me.  But I don't miss him. Sure I think about him, because I grew to care about him, and his kids to some degree. I don't miss the idea of a life with him. So that's a sign I think.

I ponder daily, why this is my plight. To desire love but never find it.
Sometimes I think my placement on this earth was a mistake. Being adopted, it's likely I was one convincing argument away from being aborted. Considering the abundance of fatal food allergies I deal with... and the fact that I recently survived an eerant crustacean in my meal after several injections of life saving serums, it seems God is keeping me alive for a reason.

It is, though, incredibly hard to believe that my life will include a loving husband - forget about children at this point!

And there's something about the way our culture brought us up. Led to believe if we were reasonably pretty, thin and healthy, faithful to God and family, kind and helpful to other people, and not a crazy @$$ b!tch... that someone would appreciate us, love us and want to grow old caring for each other.
On my worst days, I look around and see fat, ugly people with husbands and children. And they're mean too! I know, I've worked in a children's portrait studio, I've met the people who should never have children - but they have them!

I know that's not charitable thinking... but then neither are the thoughts in my spam folder.

Yes, I have considered my actions in life that brought me where I am today. Yes, I've sought counsel to pull out of my own thoughts and consider an unbiased opinion. The result? A priest offered that some men are just jerks.... and a professional offered that its not me, it's the men.

I'm not a horrible, miserable person undeserving of love. I dare say I'm not hard to love either. Just unappreciated. But I am here for a reason. I'm getting an emergency room bill in the mail soon to prove it.


Amanda said...

Thank you for writing how I feel too. You're not alone in this. I'd add a "you go girl", but that's not really me. But you do. Go. Thanks.

Judith said...

That's how I feel as well.

TRS said...

I'm so conflicted that you both feel this! On one hand I'm devastated that anyone else feels this same pain. On the other, there is some relief in knowing we're not alone.

Off now to get to know you via your blogs.

Catholic Mutt said...

It is true! Of course I am single because I'm doing all of the obvious things wrong! Oh, wait. I know there's things that I can work on. And I'm working on them, but I know a lot of people with at least as much or more to work on that are married. I don't know why we haven't gotten to be married, but I'm pretty sure it's not because we're awful!

TRS said...

So true. Of course I'm doing things wrong too. Make no mistake I wasn't saying otherwise.

That is a conflict isn't it, knowing other people have just as much work to do do but get to work through it with a husband and family.

Anonymous said...

Ugghh, I so understand this post. Last year a well-meaning friend tried setting me up with someone and I just did not feel anything, attraction, a connection, nothing. But I was told I was being "TOO PICKY." I would love to have a family someday but I have standards! yet I see a lot of people able to have children with whomever they want, and bring them into the most devastating broken situations. I know I have things to work on, I'm not perfect, yet I have friends, mere acquaintances even, who tell me I'm great, attractive, smart and would make a great catch. Apparently some people see it, the eligible men on the other hand...

TRS said...

The "too picky" comment has always bothered me as well. I always think, well weren't YOU picky? or is your spouse just some random person?
Particularly when you think about how our holy spouse must also be called to this vocation WITH us? It's more than a random, he'll do, sort of thing!

As I said, I can be conflicted with thoughts about this guy who really does love me... But knowing how little he understands my faith, and his personal opposition to it, we'll, that's just too big. I don't think I could respect a husband who doesn't know and love the Church, or at least really seek to know. Yes, I'm open to a spouse who converts, but I don't feel equipped to lead him.
I also think that by our mid 40s we should be on the same page with our faith. It's one thing to grow together from ones 20s. Quite another to expect to come toghether there in middle age.
Oh, I digress.

From plump to fit said...

Just found your blog and know exactly what you're saying. I'm 53 and never been married. I do have a son, but never lived with his dad and really it was a relationship that was one-sided. I loved him (or thought I did). He could have cared less about me. I can't wait to read the rest of this blog.....

TRS said...

Welcome plump to fit!
You are so blessed to be a mother! Surely it's not easy, but what a blessing.
Please look around. We're all friends here.

Genevra said...

For several days I've been thinking about what to say to this post. The only thing I can think of is that I'm sorry your are suffering so deeply and that I hope you find the answers you are looking for very soon, so the suffering may end. A big hug to you!