Attention!

I readily admit that I require attention.
Come on, I was the youngest child of three - obviously I never got enough attention to begin with!

I recognize that need for attention can be overwhelming for a man - and in dating, it's something I try to work on. I'm certainly not an attention wh*r#, but I do like to know that I'm on someones mind. A glance at my mobile phone showing no texts or missed calls can make me pout a bit.

So it's really interesting to realize that while McTwitchy is out of town (across the country - and going into week three now) I can text him and wait two to three days for a response... and it doesn't upset me.
Sure, my lower lip might stick out, but since he can't see that - it's okay... and overall I'm not upset about it. He's freelancing for a new company and the work is very hands on, so I understand. I also understand that his personality is similar to mine, in that when he is submerged in something he puts all distractions away - he won't even look at his phone until he has at least two hours to deal with it.

This may not sound like much - until I realized that this is new to me.

I am really frustrated with comparing so much with McTwitchy to that with Mr. Burns... but when you've given three years of your life to someone - their behavior can stick with you a while.
Besides, these comparisons always put McTwitchy ahead - and I've learned that Mr. Burns makes me appreciate McTwitchy all the more.

With Mr. Burns, I had a bit of anxiety about hearing from him even though he called frequently. If he was out of town we probably talked twice a day.

Seeing that I'm okay with McTwitchy taking two days to respond to a text has taught me that the difference is... I don't have anxiety over how McTwitchy feels about me. I am secure about that - even though we have not 'declared' anything about our relationship. When I do hear from him, it's something sweet or reassuring. I really feel that he's thinking about me.

Conversely, I never felt secure about how Mr. Burns felt about me. I was always looking for confirmation of our relationship. Burns withheld terms like, "I miss you." or even uttering the word 'Love' whether it was directed toward me or not.
Once, while I was driving him to the airport he told me not to be upset if he didn't call me while he was gone. Needless to say that didn't sit well with me. I told him I wouldn't be upset, I would just know that he wasn't thinking about me - and draw my conclusions from that!

When McTwitchy texted me the anticipated schedule for his return, he wrote that he needed some "____ love" which would have to wait another week. (don't worry - nothing dirty - just not worth typing without including a lengthy explanation) It wasn't until Kikr pointed out to me that he'd used the word 'love' nonchalantly - thereby distancing himself in leaps and bounds from Mr. B, that I even noticed!

The difference really is that McTwitchy is comfortable in his own skin. He has no pretenses... he's just himself... which is just like me. And he's a grownup.
And I LOVE that!

Love and Loving

Many years ago - before the emergence of Facebook and Blogs - I participated in an online forum for those in the media industry.
It was where we went to vent about crazy viewers, reluctant sources and grouchy assignment editors to name a few topics.

Sometimes the conversations got personal. Because it was a place where you could gather many opinions from a variety of people - some folks would toss out a relationship issue or two just to see what other people thought, for validation or discernment.

Let me tell you, I was amazed at what I learned. Men were very forthright about what they thought and what they expected. Sometimes it was shocking, from the "Gee, and I thought I dated @-holes." point of view.

These years later, one exchange still sits with me. Somewhere in the thread someone offered, "If he doesn't love you the way you need to be loved, you're going to have to move on."
A young man piped in, saying, "That doesn't seem right. What if I love someone as much as I am capable of at the moment and it's not enough for her? Does that mean I don't love her? I do. She should just give up on me?"

I don't remember how it went after that. But I think about it every now and then.

Today, I think I have the answer.

See, a friend pointed out that McTwitchy speaks my Love Language. Even more so, it looks like our love languages may be the same, maybe even the same dialect! In the case of Words of Affirmation, it meant a lot to me that he told me he missed me. Truthfully, it sent me over the moon!

I recognize too that it means a lot to me, because I never heard those words, not ONCE from Mr. Burns over three years. Okay, maybe once or twice - but come on!

So that got me thinking about all the effort that I put into that relationship with Mr. Burns - and how it's so clear now that it was never meant to be. I realize now that he couldn't tell me he missed me - because he didn't. He couldn't tell me he loved me - because he didn't. Imagine his frustration when I was more-or-less demanding these things from him and he couldn't even understand those emotions!!?

But you know what - he maybe did love me. Just not how I need to be loved.

I need to be accepted. I need to be cherished. With ease.
Instead, I was told how he wanted me to be (and I'm sure I did the same to him.)

- On an airplane, he wanted me to read the Bible instead of a fitness magazine. I'm obviously not opposed to reading the Bible, but on an airplane I want recreational reading. I felt he judged me for that.
- If I was cracking up over a stupid joke, he just looked at me as if he were embarrassed - of me and for me! I want someone who just loves the fact that I'm laughing.

I asked Mr. Burns to read the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. He did, and it seemed as though he got it. Although when we discussed it, he tried to tell me that my love languages were not what I thought they were. Ladies... there's your sign!

The bottom line, I think - is that someone may love you, but if it's not in the way you need to be loved, you are going to be disappointed. Maybe even miserable.
It doesn't mean that their love isn't valuable or meaningful. It just means that it's not for you.

It's sad. It's heartbreaking.
But you deserve the love of your life.

I deserve someone who loves to hear me laugh, no matter what I'm laughing at. I deserve someone who lets the little things roll off their back. Someone who accepts my explanation for why or how without having to nitpick it to death or demand that we agree on it.

So far, McTwitchy offers me that. The relationship is easy, and comfortable. I understand he may not end up being The One - but he sure is good practice!

We laugh at the same things. He doesn't shy away from my hugs (Mr. B would shrug me off if I clung too long ~ There's another sign ladies!!!) He constantly alludes to my good looks and good figure - and I don't even care if he's making it up!! (Which is a welcome change from someone who kept telling me what to improve.)

It all points to a person who maybe loves me the way I need to be loved. He sure is liking me the right way.

They Get Me Every Time!

Amazon.com that is.

I go there to order something that I can't find here... and they suck me in with their Supersaver Shipping!
Orders over $30 can qualify for free shipping - so I'll easily spend an extra $5-$10 to save $5 in shipping. Who wouldn't? Kikr and I both get sucked into this one.

So today, I went to Amazon to find refill razor blades that I suspect have been discontinued just to make my life more difficult. I have two (COUNT THEM, 2!) Schick Silk Effects razors... but now their refill blades seem to be discontinued and replaced with Intuition - whose blades don't fit the Silk Effects. Well, considering that I am broke... I'm not about to buy a whole new shaving system. Plus, I've always been happy with Silk Effects. Plus, plus... what am I gonna do - just toss two razors into the landfill for no good reason?

Off to Amazon I go to get a supply of 20 blades which should last me a while. That's $22. Plus $5 shipping. If I spend $8 on something else, it ships for free and I would rather my money go toward something useful rather than to pay just to get it here. Also, they're going to put this tiny package of razors in a box at least twice it's size... let's make it worth the trouble!

I troll around, knowing I don't really need anything nor should I buy anything... so I decide on a copy of Selah's Christmas CD, titled Rose of Bethlehem. I already have it. It is my favorite Christmas CD EVER - because it's about GUESS WHAT - CHRIST!
I figure I'll want to give it as a gift to someone this Christmas so I may as well get it now!

And that is how I started my Christmas shopping in August this year!

What does Supersaver Shipping suck you into buying?

What I Don't Want to Be

I have seen a potential future... and it has scared me.

or scarred me. Yikes.

I admit that I don't get out enough. Another under-employed friend of mine suffers the same problem. It's hard to go out because you know you'll buy a drink, or even just a soda, maybe an appetizer - all at an inflated price - so it's easier to just stay home and not spend money.

The other night we decided to get out met real live people. A certain establishment in Denver sponsors a free concert each week during the summer so we went there.
This establishment is also known for being the number one Cougar hang-out in the city. Let me tell you, this place was Cougar-ville. And Cougar-ville doesn't look anything like Courtney Cox!
My friend and I arrived at the patio - concert atmosphere and she noted that for once in the past year, she felt really young!

I looked around and all I saw was OLD.
I hate saying that because old does not equal BAD. Allow me to explain by sharing my thought process.

I looked around and saw all these older men. Some of them looked pretty good. Most of them did not. I wish it were not true but I am just not attracted to older men.

Though I will admit that in my 20s I found actor Craig T. Nelson extremely attractive - but let's face it... back then he was about the age I am now!
But more concerning to me, were the cougars themselves. Decked out in outfits meant for someone 20 years younger - obvious make-up plastered on their tight-post-plastic surgery faces... and still prowling for a man.

My mind flashed to myself in 7 to 10 more years. I pitied these women.
The same as I pity the paunchy 60-year-old divorced men out there still prowling for a mate.

I don't want to become that.

Sure - their single status may be the result of a divorce, or even an untimely death - but I find it so sad when these old coots are still out pursuing women... especially if they are cruising woman 20 years their junior.

Oh my, I sound so judgmental!!! And I don't want to be!

But most of all, I don't want to be a lonely old woman still searching for love after my crow's feet are deeper and my butt is even flatter.

Honestly, I can't afford the plastic surgery it would require to enhance my boobs and tweak my face... and I wouldn't want to invest in that anyway.

I'm 40 and I need to find my love now!

(what great relief to hear from McTwitchy the next day ... who is out of town and messaged that he misses me! Whew.)

Bad Timing and Great People

I've been turning something over and over in my head.

It's part of a conversation I had with McTwitchy - we were talking about timing - and how we're both in tough places career-wise. He questioned the wisdom of starting a relationship right now. I understand what he is saying.

My response asserted that when you find someone that you can really connect with, you have to see how it goes. I mean, why be alone your entire life just because of bad timing?

He said, "Yes, but there are a lot of great people out there." Suggesting that you don't get just one shot.

This astounded me. I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying, "No there are not!!"
Where are all these great people he's talking about? Is he saying that I'm not that special? I was completely bewildered. What IS he talking about?

Finally it occurred to me: OH! HE'S NOT DATING MEN. HE'S DATING WOMEN! He has a completely different perspective!
From where he stands there are a lot of really great people out there. Plus, he can date anyone 5 years older than him to 20 years younger. His pool is deep and wide.
And in general - just nicer people.

From where I stand... not so much! Sure, I can date the same age range - but I don't want to!
20 years younger than me is younger than my nephew! Yuck!
5 years older than me is - well old. And divorced. And paunchy, old, womanizer-type men. Not to mention the young womanizer-type men.

Oh, the inequity!

What Got Me Here

A friend of mine is dating a new guy - they had three dates in three days, complete twitterpation, with no plans to slow down.
A few days later I text-ed her a smirky inquiry, "How's the guy?" Her response, "Meh."

So when I saw her this weekend, I got the lowdown. He seems insecure and moody.
Red flag.

Suddenly, I feel like I know everything.
"I've dated insecure and moody. It doesn't go well. If you want to give it more time, go ahead - but be prepared to end it."

We talked some more, and I asked if she was walking on eggshells around him. Yes.
Oh dear. It's not going to get better.

I'm afraid that smug, "I'm in a great relationship." attitude is about to take over and I'm a bit shocked by it.
I know now that we all want to be with someone where you never have to edit your thoughts and words. With whom you can just be. Comfortable.
I told her that with McTwitchy, there are no eggshells. We each can say anything we're thinking and it is accepted. Even if it's not agreed upon. (I had that with one other guy - and would have waited my entire life to find it again. It wasn't Mr. Burns btw!)

I made dinner Thursday night for McTwitchy and me. I had just barely cleared the table when he started the dishes - CHEERFULLY!
What a difference! I hate comparing him to Mr. Burns but - Mr. B would have done the dishes while making a big fuss over how great he was for doing so.

I told another friend about a scenario in which McTwitchy was not only a good sport, but calm and cool and practical. All the while, showing me concern and affection.
When the comparison to Mr. Burns came up she said, "Mr. Burns prepared you for McTwitchy."

Oh my! Did he!
My instant response, "Yes! So that I could appreciate McTwitchy all the more."

He's sweet, and calm. Affectionate and kind. Thoughtful if not a little scattered. (that's okay) He's stressed and vulnerable but man enough to share his worries with me, knowing that I'm not judging him.
He's funny and thinks I'm funny too. He thinks I'm beautiful. He thinks I'm wonderful. He thinks I look like a model!! Ha!
He is himself with me, and I with him. I really like who he is.

And as I'm about to enter Smug Relationship Mode - I am bolstered by the song I discovered only a couple years ago when I first discovered the group Selah. This song became my inspiration to carry on with finding love.

Bless the Broken Road

The specific lines:
Every long lost dream
Led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart
They were just Northern Stars
Pointing me on my way
Into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
and led me straight to you

The above link will take you to Grooveshark.com to listen to the song. Be patient and sit through the opening page - you don't have to sign up for anything!!