Friday, June 01, 2012

How About Retro Dating?

Technology has dramatically changed our world. Some for the better, some for the worse.
As I've said before, social media, text and even our simple cell phones have impacted the dating world in such a way - it's making it practically impossible to date.

I can think back to when I first learned to text, way before the smart phone. I was meeting some folks at an event, one of whom was a guy from my church that I was kind of interested in - but we hadn't gotten past just being friendly. Running late for the event, which was popular enough to take up a lot of parking - I texted my charming friend, asking him to save a couple seats. To this day, I recall the relief of being able to contact him without having to work up my nerves to do so. How nice, I can see why guys prefer such low-risk methods of contact.

As you know, it's only gotten worse!

It's nearly impossible to get anyone you meet on an online dating site, to graduate from texting to actually communicating.  I'm starting to believe that for this reason, so many of us are single.
Therefore, I have a rule that I won't meet a guy if he won't call me and set up a date. (seems like a no-brainer huh?) We need to have a conversation. If they can only text me, I move on.

Then even when you get to a couple phone conversations, even a date... most guys turn back to casual texting. To me, that's a sign that they're not interested. Maybe they're juggling a few different women from online sites -- maybe they're just lazy.

This happened with Mr. Accent. We went on a few dates and I actually really had a good time with him. Given our opposite work schedules, and that he had his kids on his days off - it seemed okay to me to text, because we weren't even awake at the same times except for the narrow windows in which we could see each other. But after a while, we didn't have conversations at all. Making it really hard to get know each other. When he appeared to have fallen off the planet - I gave it a few weeks and then texted him that I was disappointed that he couldn't bother to tell me he didn't want to see me any more.

He implemented the bewildered guy act... and we started texting again, setting up a date again, only to have him disappear again.

So, I'm further convicted that no phone conversations = no dating.

Remember the last guy who set up a date with me and then also disappeared?  (see previous post)  I was conflicted about that, because I know that he's an avid motorcyclist - and part of me thought that his disappearing act was so out of character that there was good chance he had wrecked his bike and was lying somewhere in a coma!  Really, it was the only way to explain not hearing from him.

I mentioned the situation to a few guy friends. Some told me to cease contact altogether. A few other guys said, "If you really think it's something unusual and not just a blow off... text him and ask if he's okay. If he blows you off, there's your answer. If not, you'll find out something."

So I did. I texted him this morning. Rather than the snarky, "Hope you're okay. Call me when you're out of a coma." that I WANTED to send.... I said, "Just wondering what happened. Are you okay?"

He responded that since I didn't answer some of his texts, he figured I wasn't interested.  I told him that I only had texts from him up to a certain conversation/exchange - at which point he realized that  -HELLO- text is not all that reliable!!

I further explained that after I checked if we were still on for Tuesday, and he said yes... that I expected him to call me and pin down our plans.  That when he didn't, I figured he blew me off.

He responded that he saw the error of his ways, and asked permission to call me to set up a date soon.
I said that's okay, but only if he's serious.

Why serious?
Because #1) I'm giving up on this dating crap for starters - so he'd better make it worth it.
#2) I've already had enough experience with guys who summon up their pride once they're called out on bad behavior only long enough to have the last word. If that's all he's doing, I'm not playing. But if this was an honest mistake - he was a nice enough guy to warrant a second chance.

I'm about to start a campaign to train men how to date again.  Rule number one --- when in doubt, behave like it's the 1950s and pick up a stinking phone.  Don't count on technology for courtship if you really want to be taken seriously.  So we'll see how this plays out.

I know some of you are thinking that I'm quickly giving up on my giving up on dating.  Not really. The guy that I met deserves a chance at this. The next phone conversation (if there is one) will tell me if it's worth it.  Then it's done!


Anonymous said...

STOP TRYING SO HARD!! U need to read "he's not really that into u" u deserve a man that wants u. if he is texting u HE HAS UR NUMBER!!! he would call if he really wanted to. you seem to be. great gal.......let someone chase u and stop worrying about whether he is "the one"

TRS said...

Hey anonymous… Be nice would you?
Where did I say anything about chasing him? I did not. I was merely making a commentary on the stupidity of relying on technology for communication. It's a pretty simple thesis – perhaps you should go back and take a remedial reading comprehension course.

I write this blog to provide a forum for other seeking and single women to know that we're not alone. If you don't feel the camaraderie here, you are welcome to stop reading. Why are you so invested in this? (I still think you're Pablo, who is still too coward to use his name or a blogspot ID)

The other point of this post is call men out on their bad behavior. It was very rude of him to make a date and then blow it off with a word to me. I'm not even that interested him, but he's very nice and sweet and so I was going to give him a chance. He ought to be grateful for that opportunity.

See, anonymous, I think you're a guy who is really uncomfortable with the fact that women (as evidenced on this blog) can read through the BS you all are laying down…. The lame excuses that technology didn't work… and then pretending that you really are man enough to man up… when you have no intention of ever behaving like a worthwhile man.
Maybe that's why you weigh in here, even though you seem to hate everything I say.

Also, learn how to spell YOU. This isn't texting, you can use the whole alphabet.

Anonymous said...

just read"he's not that in to yoy" it was written for you:-) I take it by the anger in your post that he never called you back. BIG SURPRISE!! I am sorry. I would like to see you married and happy. BUT.......marriage won't make u happy. you have to do that single and then MAYBE a man will see your worth. I fully expect you to delete this post but please know I am only trying to point out the obvious. I've been where u are. AS A FEMALE

TRS said...

You are cordially invited to butt out if you can't use kinder, gentler words to express your thoughts.

I was not even that interested in this guy... I just find it remarkably rude, and you know jackassy... to not only blow off the date.... but to compound it with a lie by suggesting he wanted to get back in my good graces.

FYI, yes - I've read "He's Just Not That Into You" and it pretty much lets guys off the hook for their bad behavior.

I mean... why can't they just man up and say, "You know, I think I'm not interested." - maybe men need to know that most women are not fragile little flowers who are going to fall apart. We know men's egos can't handle rejection... but we're women, we're tougher than that, and honest rejection is better than a pack of lies.

So sure, your favorite little book may have a handful of good takeaways from the male mind there... but I certainly don't endorse a book that purports it's okay to blow a woman off and lie about one's intentions.