Saturday, May 26, 2012

It's Over - The Fat Lady Sang

About a year ago, I talked with an older woman from my church.  An older single woman. She is someone one of the priests had identified to me as someone who had never married and who I ought to relate to. Apparently, she'd joined a convent when she was younger, and left the order.

When we finally had a conversation, I realized that she seemed to carry a certain bitterness which she tries to cover with personal platitudes. She told me that's she's glad she never married because she didn't want to be, "... as miserable as everyone else." I don't believe it for a minute. I think she has convinced herself that the marriages around her are miserable because it makes her happier. Sure, some folks are miserable in their marriages, but I wouldn't lump them all in that category.

I tried to share with her how hard it is for me to be alone, and to mourn the fact that I probably will be for the rest of my life. She very sincerely told me, "It gets easier."

Well, that just ticked me off. No way can it get easier to be alone.  The past 22 years have pretty much sucked for me in that regard. Another 22 years of the same sounds awful.  It made me even more determined to find the man who would be my husband. He just HAS to be out there.
(don't get me wrong. I have been happy and fulfilled... but being alone sucks. there's no getting around that.)

As you know from my last post, I met 18 single Catholic men last weekend. Whoopie.
It's hard to know if the men were really that unappealing or if I am just so jaded that I wasn't going to accept any of them.

I went out with a guy a few weeks ago, and had a really nice time. We both did. We couldn't go out again for two weeks because I went out of town. When I returned, he called to try to lock me in for a date. The following weekend was already booked for both of us, and when I offered him either Tuesday or Wednesday he eagerly offered, "Both?"  We settled on Tuesday, looking forward to it. We only committed to the day, we didn't decide anything firm.

By Monday afternoon, he still hadn't confirmed solid plans so when I responded to his prior text, I asked if he had a good weekend and if we were still on for Tuesday. In his very positive, high energy way he texted back, "Yes! Still on for Tuesday!", but by the time I left work on Tuesday I still didn't have a time or a place for our date - much less word from him.  It didn't look good.

I waited until 6:00, put on my running shoes and headed to the park for a run. I heard a few pings come through behind the training app on my phone and decided to check for messages after my run. They weren't from him.  I still haven't heard from him.  What. The. &$%@#?!

So now, I can't even get a second date with a guy who asked for two dates!!
I'm not interested in any of the men available to me.

That's it.
I quit.

For years, I've laughed at people who told me to quit looking.  I can't quit looking. It's too important. I want it too much. How can I stop hoping and wishing and praying? How am I supposed to ignore the desires of my heart, put there by God Himself?

This is how. It's realizing that I'm just spinning my wheels. There is no forward movement. No progress being made.

I quit. I'm not looking any more. I'm not trying. It shouldn't be this hard anyway.

I've already grieved the loss of my fertility. That I will likely never experience pregnancy and childbirth - the experiences which make up the crescendo of womanhood.  I did that last year with the company of my friend who suffered a devastating miscarriage. We were blessed to share our grief with one another and support each other through it.

Now, I believe I've grieved the fact that love will never happen the way I expected.
If I trip over the guy, maybe I'll go out with him - but I'm not trying anymore. I'll date, sure.  But I'm not going to be as invested in it.  Instead, I'm going to get back in shape, save my money and start planning that trip to Italy.

It's over.
And I'll do my best to not become bitter.

Wish me luck.

(oh, and please be decent in the comments. This IS my heart I'm laying out here.  Have your opinions, sure - but don't come in my house and spit on my floor.)


Anonymous said...

ITS ABOUT TIME! you certainly have NOT sounded"happy or fulfilled " in 99% of ur post. Start livng and STOP pouting about something u have NO CONTROL IN! you can not make a man fall in love and marry u. RELAX. you are a beautiful happy young lady. don't let lfe pass u by. you will LOVE italy:-)

Erin McBride said...

When I get back from this little beach trip, you and I shall have a nice, long, gab fest, and both commiserate and uplift.
I know how you feel. I concur on so many points.
Put your faith in the Lord, and hold on for the ride!

Anonymous said...

Don't listen to Anonymous's comment- he sounds like a condescending dou***bag.

I will just say this in response to your post: I understand. You are not alone. Aligning Singledom with Faith has been confusing, frustrating, and disheartening. Your words are coming through my screen loud and clear and this girl in Phoenix (me) takes comfort in the fact that we are not the only ones struggling. Right now that is my silver lining. Hang in there, and I will try to do the same.

Anonymous said...

I "found" my wife when I had stopped looking. I was determined to just start enjoying life and what I had and where I was. I was always "looking" too. I think it made me look needy. I share the same desire to be with someone and connect. I would offer that it's best to marry someone who is your best friend. Someone you love to be around. Enjoy being single. Invest yourself in what God wants you to do RIGHT NOW. That will attract the man you are looking for. And as someone with kids, don't be afraid to date the single dad. Remember, he has had experience with being married and being a dad. It's helpful.

Anonymous said...

i was single til way into my late 30's. I KNOW what its like to be single and yearn for your own family. I meant no malice with my earlier comment. TRS is a beautiful person with a lot to offer the world! she needs to start living for HERSELF TODAY and not the "what ifs" of tomorrow. If you knew me and the past i have endured and over come you would see i practice what i preach. GOOD LUCK and now go and enjoy the rest of your life!!!

Genevra said...

I might in the minority with this, but I didn't take the comment by Anonymous as disrespectful or trying to be hurtful, I took as someone offering an outsider's view. And for me personally I got something from both Anonymous' comments, as well as Knot's. They reminded me about the importance of living for and enjoying life right now, right as it is. Also you inspired me to start planning for something I've always wanted to do, go to Italy as well. :)

Anonymous said...

you should go together!! you both seem like amazing people!!:)

Rachel said...

You go girl! Go for getting in shape and a huge go for it with Italy!! Please take lots of pictures. As a married mom with four and one on the way part of me is jealous at your ability to take some focus for yourself and set such an amazing goal of a trip!

Katie said...

Maybe he thought the date was for next Tuesday? Because otherwise that is just strange...

Being alone is crazy hard, anything you can do to make it easier is the right my book.

TRS said...

Hey bloggy friends.
I meant to check in on these comments - and time got away from me.

I will admit that when I first read Anonymous' first comment - it seemed a bit harsh and I did fire off a sassy response. Then I read it again, and aside from the attacking attitude, I believe Anonymous' intentions are good.
And yes, Anon... Genevra and I SHOULD go to Italy together! I don't think you'd have to twist either of our arms.

@ Rachel - thanks for the encouragement. Although I don't exactly have the "ability" to just go to Italy. It's going to take me a while to save up for that. I mean, I'm already over 40 and my passport is about to expire with exactly zero stamps in it! If you want to go... go. In about two years, get someone to watch the kids for a week and go. That's what people did when I was a kid. They didn't allow having kids to keep them from going somewhere.

@ Katie - yes, strange right? I'll actually have an update on that. And again, congratulations on your big news! Very happy for you.