Monday, April 19, 2010

No Excuses

I'm entirely conflicted.
I could be upset that he hasn't called me yet. Or, I could call him and just say, "Hi, how was your trip?" I haven't decided yet.

I'm conflicted because I find myself making excuses for why he hasn't called. He runs his own, one-man business from his home, and having been gone for an entire week it's reasonable that he needed to get back down to business and make sure the money is coming in. Then it was quickly the weekend, and he couldn't assume I was free.

I tend to make excuses for men who don't behave as I expect them to behave.
I certainly did that for Mr. Burns.
But, I am reminded... men don't think like women. So my expectation is completely irrelevant.

I saw his friend at church yesterday, and when she asked how things were going, I told her I haven't heard from him since he came back from his trip. She replied, "That's totally McTwitchy. He's a workaholic. I don't hear from him forever then he'll call suddenly, saying how busy he's been."

I am reminded that there is a reason some men over 40 aren't married. If it's just because he hasn't figured out how to woo yet... I guess I can give him the benefit of the doubt.

But no excuses.

After all this time, I've lost some interest in him. (Guys, you gotta strike while the iron is hot!!)
But talking with Kikr, I was reminded of just how much I enjoy time with him.

I think I'll be calling him at the end of his work day today.

If you have an opinion, feel free to share it!


Whitney said...

Don't do it!!!

Oh, of course you can if you want to:) But I've been reading your blog for a long time now, and feel like you're a friend of mine.

I guess I just figure, he'll call you when he's ready. There's not really a benefit to calling him, because if you call him and he's swamped ... then he might not appreciate the call as much as he would if he called on his own terms.

He needs to pursue you! You're worth it! Make him work for it! :)

Judith said...

I think you should call him. Just ask him how his trip was and how he's doing. That's simple and harmless. It might just make his day that you called.

Jinxie said...

I think it's totally reasonable to call him. It's just one call, it's not dozens.

We females tend to have a reputation for being clingy and needy, and I'm always afraid that if I initiate even one phone call, then he's going think I'm That Girl. Then I remember that it's the 21st century, it's just one phone call to let him know I'm thinking of him and then the ball is back in his court. Neither of you are mind readers, and the chances that he's being a complete jerk and not calling you on purpose are slim.

And if he is, the earlier you find, the sooner you can move on.

Herding Grasshoppers said...

Hi -

Any friend of Kimberly's is a friend of mine :D

I hope he calls ;o)


erinannie said...

When I find myself justifying/explaining/rationalizing/etc a man's actions like that I force myself to "go to therapy." Which is my code term for watching, "He's Just Not That Into You" for the millionth time. It is my dating bible.

Genevra said...

Sigh. I'm so conflicted on what side to choose!

I totally get the "He's Just Not That Into You", but I also think sometimes it can be used as a crutch. But I also know sometimes he really isn't that into you, no matter how badly you want to believe he is.

If you guys were a couple or had been dating longer, I'd be a bit more concerned. But from what the friend says it sounds like he is just being him TRS. So the issue is not really should you call him or not, but it goes deeper. By the way, I think you should call and just say hi and then don't call again, even if that means you never hear from him again.

I think the issue is can you accept that this might be how he is (gets single focused and forgets a world exists i.e. you, outside his focus at the time) and NOT expect him to change it to make you feel more comfortable? Can you really accept that part of him, because all the other stuff outweighs it? Cause frankly now is the time to figure that out for yourself. It will save you from frustration later.

The majority of the problems people have in relationship, and I include myself in this, is that we don't accept people exactly as they are. If there is a characteristic we truly don't like, and can't accept at all, and wish to change about the other person, then we have no business pursing a relationship with them. It's not worth the frustration and resentment that builds.

Whew, off the soap box. Sorry about that. :)

P.S. It sounds like you guys have a really good connection, aside from the frequency you both like to keep in contact. And that might be something he is willing to compromise on, if you let him know if bothered you.

TRS said...

Genevra, you nailed exactly what I've been thinking. There are worse traits than workaholic, but I also know that I need someone who knows how to play.
If that is unchangable... it's probably not going to work so better to know it now.
One day he will learn that that is why he's single.

So, I called and left a message. We'll see.


Anonymous said...

Why not call?! the dating game has changed, women can be more take charge now!! but dont seem too desperate!just leave the message, and thats it! if he wants to talk to you he will get in touch... if he doesnt realize what a catch you are then that is his loss!!

TRS said...

Oh sweet, niave, boy-man Tink. Of course I know that I can call him. Honey, I've been dating almost as long as you've been alive!!! I was there when they changed the rules!
I've always thought it must be easier for gay men to date, because finally both parties would know what's going on!
The point, tink, is that he is supposed to pursue me. and that when he said he would call me when he got back in town, that's what he should have done.
But mostly, he's supposed to know that he has found a gem and treat me as such.
I know it's my problem, but my feelings are hurt.
I'm turning 40 in a few months and I just want one man to want to hold on to me. I'm worth that.

Anonymous said...


its no easier for gay men lol! But that is my point exactly!

TRS said...

Okay. I called last night and left a message, asking how his trip went.
He replied today with a text. He extended his trip for another week because he picked up freelance work while there! coming back this weekend.
Had we been dating for months. would be unacceptable that he hadn't called to tell me
At this point is only irritating and thoughtless -- and we can both learn more about each other and if we care to continue.

Anonymous said...

i def agree with you.... while it is kind of careless and not thoughtful, it isn't far enogh into the relationship to get pissed off lol.

TRS said...


Genevra said...

TRS- I'm so happy that you called and left a message. I agree that it was thoughtless and I'm curious to see what happens when you communicate this to him. Because I know that you will. I love that about you!

TRS said...

Oh I don't know about that!
Like T!nk says, it's too early in the relationship for me to be pissed about this.

I mean, eventually, if we continue dating and it happens again, I'll have to say something. Maybe in a casual conversation, I might find a way to work it in - but I don't see just coming out and telling him that he was thoughtless.

The only way I can think of is by setting someone else up as an example. Or maybe saying that I didn't expect to go that long without hearing from him... and flutter my eyelashes.

We had a little text exchange tonight... him saying he's also looking forward to talking to me --- and I mentioned that I had a few minutes right at that moment --- but very busy otherwise.
As is the nature of text, he didn't get that one until he was going to bed - and he has to be up at oh-dark-thirty to take the train into the city - and we are prone to talk for three hours at a time... so no go --- Sigh.

I really will just have to see what happens when he gets back. Extra points if he can call me before that!