My Heart is not Broken

But my ovaries are mad as hell.

I'm not sure exactly how Mr. Burns and I started spending time together again. It was in the spring, about six months after we broke up. He told me then, that he finally realized that he cared more about my well-being than for his own.

I figured that was worth a second chance.

I didn't take to it very easily. He took me out for my birthday (in June) and took to nuzzling me like giddy teenager - so excited to be with me. I wanted to enjoy that, as I had waited so long for such a display. But it made me uncomfortable, in part because I had just spent six months trying to move on from him and in part because I just didn't believe it was real.

By the time I was ready for him be crazy about me - he was past it. He was also past putting my well-being before his own.


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This weekend, he told me that he thought he had done every thing possible to try to make me happy, and that it just didn't work. (My friends are throwing down Bull Sh!t flags all over this statement)

So, my bloggy friends - the singles in particular - heed my warnings:

1) When the man you are crazy about makes no efforts to meet your parents and family - he's not invested. This should happen anywhere from 4 months to 9 months into your relationship. Not 2 1/2 years.

2) When he takes his sister from out-of-state on overnight trips - but never plans one with you (and I'm not talking about boinking - I'm just referring to a nice little trip essential for bonding) he's not invested. Again, this usually happens in the first 3-9 months of a relationship - not years!!

3) If there is always a reason that he can't join you to meet your friends, to meet your parents... even if it appears it's not his fault ... even if it's a 9 hour drive -- he's out of town on a work trip that just came up - or he just got back from said trip and it's not convenient. He is so not invested. Everyone I know in happy relationships, married or not - would just show up even if they're covered in grease or ash or cow manure or operating on two hours sleep. If he cared, he'd make it there.

Also,

4) A man who wants to win your heart will spontaneously do nice things for you. Like fix the window in your kitchen that sticks. Or install a smoke detector. Or wash your car. He will notice these things on his own and just do them. He will not ask you to make a list that he will never get to.

He does these things because your well-being means more to him than sleep, or fear of heights or the 20 minute drive between your houses.

Do not spend 3 years of your life with the guy who doesn't... thinking that he will get there eventually. He won't. Let him be someone else's heartache.

Turn your heart back over to God... and send the next man straight to God to ask for it if he wants it.

Mr. Burns and I broke up. I'm okay. I'm over it. I've already started an online dating profile. I'm only upset that my last few years of child-bearing potential have been wasted. Hence the comment from my ovaries!! My friends new boyfriend - the one who installed 5 new smoke detectors in her rented house... remarked, "TRS, you don't look like you're going to be 40!" I replied, "Thank you. Tell that to my ovaries."

In Mass on Sunday... the first four notes of a song brought me to tears. A song that to me, sums up the relationship that I want with one of God's earthly men:

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Will you let me be your servant, Let me be as Christ to you; Pray that I may have the grace to Let you be my servant, too.

We are pilgrims on a journey, We are travelers on the road; We are here to help each other. Walk the mile and bear the load.

I will hold the Christlight for you In the night-time of your fear; I will hold my hand out to you, Speak the peace you long to hear.

I will weep when you are weeping; When you laugh I'll laugh with you. I will share your joy and sorrow, Till we've seen this journey through.

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When we sing to God in heaven We shall find such harmony, Born of all we've known together Of Christ's love and agony.

Text & Tune: Richard Gillard ©1977, Scripture in Song

My Heart Wants to Go to Haiti

So yes, my heart wants to go to Haiti.I want to love on some orphans, and help them to feel if only for a minute or two - that despite the rubble around them, and that they haven't seen their parents in weeks and possibly never will again - that everything will be okay. I want to bathe them in God's love. The simple knowledge that another person cares goes a long way.

My heart wants to do this. But my spirit is weak.

My bloggy friend, Erin Ann knew of my desire to go there. We are both unemployed and share the feeling that perhaps there is a reason that God has made us available - without strings - in a time of need. She sent me an invitation to apply for a volunteer trip to Haiti with the Utah Hospital Task Force. After some deliberation, I submitted the application, praying that God would do with it what He wants.

While the UHTF decided who to take based on all our critical skills - I thought about the children and the devastation in Haiti - and - I thought about my own reality.

I own my condo, and without the benefit of Unemployment Insurance payments right now, I can't pay my mortgage and keep my home. My parents would each have a heart attack if I went to Haiti. (I'm not even kidding. They would self-induce heart attacks if that is at all possible) I need to be able to interview for the job I have been waiting for. And let's face it... three nights in a tent is my limit. 21 days in a dangerous, not-exactly-hospitable place isn't really smart for a girl who is allergic to everything, environment and food included.

Regardless, I prayed for God to use my application as He sees fit.

In the meantime, they sent us all an email detailing the conditions, dangers and risks of being in Haiti at this time. I'll be honest - it scared me. I thought, "My parents would NOT want me to go there." While I could tough it out for a week or so - I don't think I could handle it for 21 days.

I didn't make the cut for the plane of 150 people leaving for Haiti tomorrow (Thursday, Jan 28). But I am on the back-up list if they get enough donations to send a second plane.

My friend, Erin Ann didn't make the cut either. But she visited the UHTF offices to volunteer and they decided to take her along to Haiti as the UHTF Press Secretary! ( So excited for her... such a great experience and she can add it to resume!! )

UHTF is bringing all their own supplies, including food and water - so that they will take nothing away from the people of Haiti. This is one organization that you can be confident, the donations are actually going to benefit the cause in Haiti.

Please go visit my dear friend at Moments of Clarity and Chaos... she's scrambling to get her shots and belongings together for an early morning flight. You can follow her while she's in Haiti here, on twitter and on Facebook... and if you can make a donation, know it will be put to very good use by very good people.

Here is more on the effort from Erin Ann:

The Utah Hospital Task Force (http://utahhospitaltaskforce.org) will deploy Thursday to Haiti to help the victims of the devastating earthquake just a few weeks ago. The team of 150 volunteers of doctors, nurses, translators and other professionals are going to Haiti to help rescue the displaced, homeless, and sick children. Many orphanages were destroyed in the earthquake on January 13, 2010. Another after shock this past week has created an even more desperate situation. Stories of toddlers wandering alone in the streets, children found sleeping alone in abandoned and dangerous buildings, and more heartbreaking, horrible tales continue to come out of Haiti daily. The Utah Hospital Task Force, along with Healing Hands for Haiti (an existing charitable organization) will be working to quickly provide medical care for the children, rebuild their orphanages, and when possible, bring them safely to the United States.

The Utah Hospital Task Force airplane will deliver the volunteers to Haiti on Thursday night, and will quickly be filled with orphans who will fly to Utah to meet their waiting adoptive families. Please help us bring more children back to safety and to loving homes with your donation today.

The Utah Hospital Task Force volunteers will be living within the Healing Hands for Haiti medical compound in tents during their stay. (The medical compound buildings were destroyed in the earthquake.) The volunteers will also be living with and helping serve the children from two nearby destroyed orphanages. Living conditions will be primitive and resources scarce, but the volunteers are happy to serve. But donations are desperately needed to help keep the operations safe and effective.

Please visit http://HealingHandsforHaiti.org and click on the donate PayPal button. To ensure that your donation is used for this mission, please click “special instructions to seller” on PayPal and write “Utah Hospital Task Force” in the box.

To follow the experiences of the task force in Haiti please visit http://utahhospitaltaskforce.org. You can also follow them on Twitter at http://twitter.com/uhtf and on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/UtahHospitalTaskForce.

Thank you for your support and donations!

If you can't send money... send your heart. And prayers.
I will be following Erin Ann with my heart. I'm praying for her safety and the safety of everyone involved. And by following her experience - I'll know if I'm ready if they get that second plane cleared!!

An Exercise in Futility

As you may know, my job ended the week before Christmas. With three months warning, it was hard to maintain excitement for doing the job. When you know the job is ending, you sort of check out. It's frustrating, because no matter how great the work you do is... you know it won't help keep your job. Of course you want to maintain pride in your work - but even so - you can't help but check out.

So when the end came, I was sort of looking forward to a break. Plus I have a good lead on a permanent job with the portrait studio for whom I work part-time so I wasn't feeling too anxious.

Finally, I filed for unemployment two weeks ago. As a part of the requirements, I am to make five job contacts a week. My career field is pretty specialized, and realistically there are probably only 10 companies in this city who could hire me to do what I do. And maybe 20 more on the fringe of what I do. Now let's imagine how many of those 30 companies are hiring.

Zero.

In the past, I've told the unemployment office official the numbers situation - and they assured me they didn't want me to apply for jobs for which I am overqualified or unqualified, and they reduced my requirement to two a week.

This time, I explained the same thing and I was told that due to the economy and circumstances the way they are - that I can't limit myself to my career field. I have to apply for anything.

Let's think about this. There are 120,000 people in Denver on unemployment right now. They are all supposed to make 5 job contacts a week - regardless of whether the jobs are suitable.

Wouldn't you hate to work in HR right now?
Can you imagine weeding through the 600,000 applications a week flowing in from people who don't even fit the job description?
This rule doesn't do any body any good!

So I should apply for the over-night gig at 7-11, keeping the person whose ONLY option is employment at 7-11 from getting the work they are qualified for?!!!??!

I realize there are plenty of people who are milking the unemployment system and taking advantage... and they need a way to weed them out.
But in this economy, there are also plenty well-intentioned, hard-working people like me who have earned their unemployment benefits and deserve them - whether or not there are job openings in their employment field.

I think - with the vast number of Americans on unemployment right now - that the president should make an offer. If you volunteer to go to Haiti and help the people in need, the US will continue to pay your UE benefits while you are gone, so that you can keep your house and pay your bills. Don't worry about applying for jobs that don't exist. Do what you were put on this Earth to do - and help your fellow man.

That's what I think.

Something I Love - A Testimony

I'm a total convert!
This past year I made the switch from Cl!nque make-up to Bare Minerals.I'll admit that I was attracted to the brand in part because of all of the brushes! In fact, for years and years I secretly dreamed of owning a set of quality make-up brushes. But they are spendy and I am - for the most part - cheap.

Working in television, I've encountered a few make-up artists but it wasn't until I was about 36 years old that one of them informed me that sponge applicators for eye make-up are likely responsible for the majority of eye wrinkles.
Ack!
Had I known... I would have splurged on good brushes years ago!!

In my younger years, I dealt with a lot of sensitivity to make-up and Cl!nque was the only one my skin could tolerate. I gladly spent extra money just so I wouldn't deal with ugly reactions.

Then Bare Minerals was introduced. I tried the face powder and was wholly impressed! I used it for a good six months while I hoped and prayed that the eye make-up wouldn't cause reactions. Finally, I went in for a consultation and ended up dropping a wad of money on the eye kit and some additional brushes. No bad reactions. Not one!

And I'm surprised to admit that my favorite product in their line is the Prime Time eyelid primer. No kidding - I was SO skeptical. I've spent half my life and half my budget re-applying eye make-up due to my oily t-zone.
Every make-up counter tells me about their eye primer - and I've tried them to no avail. Prime Time is really great. My eye make-up stays ON - flawlessly - ALL DAY! I love this stuff!
OH! and the Flawless Definition Mascara - Hallelujah - a mascara that actually works on puny lashes!!
And no, I'm not being compensated to endorse Bare Minerals - although I would if they asked me to!

I love that the starter kits come in sets with the brushes. Now I have a decent set of brushes. Lots of them!! At home, I store them where I apply my make-up.

But for weekend trips or overnights I was worried I might damage the brushes in my make-up bag.
I remembered an old brush roll kit that my sister had years ago and set out to find one - with no luck. So I finally broke down and sewed my own out of some scrap material.
How do you like that?
There is a slot for each brush - then it rolls up and ties closed - protecting my precious brushes when I travel.

If anyone is interested, I'm thinking about putting together a tutorial on how to make one. Although I feel it is pretty self explanatory - considering I totally winged it!
I did document it with pictures when I made mine.

If you are like me - I mean, like I used to be... and have never once in your life experienced your eye make-up staying on ALL DAY - I highly recommend Bare Minerals Prime Time eye primer. It's so good, it probably even works with other eye shadow brands - but I will never dare to find out!!

By Faith Or By Effort?

I am waiting to hear about a job that I really want, for which I am very well-suited and that I am quite confident that I will get.

I am praying about it several times a day, and trying to keep in touch with the decision-maker.

But I am also thinking I ought to file for unemployment in case I don't get it, so that I can get some cash flow going. (it takes about 2 weeks to get your first check)

I worry that filing for unemployment benefits might suggest that I don't trust God to provide me with this ideal position.

Or maybe... you pray like God will handle it - and work as if you must do it alone.
Isn't that how we should handle all our prayers? Pray like He's in charge - but work like YOU are?