Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Dodging Bullets

These days, I am putting some effort into online dating.   I'm opening myself up to phone conversations with more prospects right now.
One guy called me while I was at work the other day... I was a bit put off by it.  But rather than be hasty, I told him I'd call him back when I wasn't working.  I was at home tonight trying to edit a photo session I did this weekend... and thinking I should call him... but that I needed to make progress in Photoshop. 
Suddenly the phone rang - it was a different online suitor.

He started talking.  and talking.  He would make a statement and I would try to respond to him... but he would continue with what he was saying.  Essentially talking over me.   I was annoyed, but thought, "Maybe he's nervous.  I'll give him some time to see if he corrects this behavior."
At one point, I even said something about seeing if I had hit the MUTE button on my phone - because he obviously wasn't hearing me.   Still, nothing changed.

This guy has no idea how to have a conversation!

I would try to interject occasionally, to turn it into a conversation...otherwise it's just a monologue!  But every effort I made was futile.
Finally, I would try to interject - he would keep talking - then I would sigh.  Occasionally, he made room for me, and then started talking before I could finish my thought or point!!  I tried a new tactic - interjecting with "What I was going to say... "  More steamrolling!

This wasn't a 12 year old!  This was a 40+ year old man!

I gave it a full 30 minutes and then when he mentioned that I sounded frustrated... I started to explain that I was feeling like he wasn't interested in anything I had to say.  That he kept talking over me.
Then he interrupted to say something about me interrupting him!

At that point, all bets were off.  I was going to have my say whether he was talking or not - and I told him that it's customary in a CONVERSATION to have some give and take.  A little exchange of ideas.
He didn't hear a word because he was more interested in making his point - which was to say that I was too feisty  - and that he didn't see any point in continuing communication with me.  Communication?!  Ha!

It got a bit ugly... and I expressed alarm that I couldn't be the first woman to make this observation.  According to him I was!  Oh well. Clearly no sense of self awareness. (could that play in to why he is divorced?)

The phone call ended and I was all spun up.  I mean spun UP!
My phone rang again - and it was the guy from the other day.  I was still so agitated that I blurted out what the first guy had done.  Then I felt bad because there I was - dominating the first thirty seconds of conversation. 
But this man listened intently, and expressed appropriate alarm in the situation.

Once I dumped it all out, I was able to settle down - and we had a very nice conversation.  An exchange of thoughts and ideas... just as someone would expect.

It was so nice... and he was very engaging!  I even joked that he was lucky the first guy was such a jerk - it made him look even better!

So I'm planning coffee with guy #2.   Faith in humanity restored for now!


Genevra said...

Honestly, it just stuns me sometimes how people can be so unaware of how they come across to others, and then get so upset when you point it out to them. Many times in those situations I just think to myself, "THAT is your best foot forward?" Then I'm reminded of my mom telling me when I was younger that people are often on their best behavior when they first meet you, to make a good impression. So I'm reading your post wondering what his WORST behavior would be like, if that was his best. Egads.

I also wonder if he is the same man who goes around complaining about how women don't want a good, quality man like him, they go for the jerks. And how online dating is so awful for the good guys like him.

Dating. You can either laugh or cry sometimes. :)

Anonymous said...

I don’t know how I found your blog, but I’ve been following it on and off for about a year. Let me say that recently your words have a somewhat desperate tinge to them. Some men might not find that attractive, please keep in mind, the opposite gender does read your publicly displayed words. This is just an observation, not a suggestion that you change anything about what you chose to share with the world.

I enjoy the candor you display in your blog, I find it refreshing that you are so active in your church. I’ve recently become active in my church after an 18 year hiatus. It starts out with merely showing up!

TRS said...

Genevra, That's exactly what I thought! Followed by: I'm glad this came out now, before I bothered to dress up and look nice for him!

Anonymous, thanks for your observations. I'll admit that I sound a bit jaded... this many years of dating will do that to a person! Could you provide examples of what smacks of desperation to you... because I don't see desperate... just jaded and frustrated.

Lastly, if men are reading this... it be nice to hear them chime in. And here's my jaded side again... it's probably too much to expect most men to bother to participate!

Anonymous said...

You say you want men to come and comment, but you have censored a great comment I made here last week, that´s not nice.

PS: there´s no need to answer with another post.

TRS said...

@ Pablo,

I don't recall the "Great" comment that I didn't approve for publication. I do remember not approving it... only because it didn't seem incredibly relevant for public consumption.

Two things about comments:
1) My comment moderation is set pretty loosely... I allow anyone to comment within 7 days of the post... after 7 days, a new comment goes to moderation status.
In the moderation application... there is no indication which post the comment is intended to be attached to. Without proper context... some of the delayed comments seem irrelevant. It's old news.
Without the ability to know where the comment will go once I approve it... I sometimes opt to just dismiss it altogether. it's not about you, Pablo.

2) All bloggers reserve the right to publish or delete comments at will. It's the beauty of having a personal blog. It has nothing do with not being 'nice'. Think of it as the similar right reserved by most print publications, Newspapers, Magazines, etc... they choose which Letters to the Editor to publish. They never publish all of them. Don't take it personally.

I had to chuckle at your reference that I need not write an entire blog post in response! The only reason I did the other day... is because as I was writing a response, it got a bit long.
It was something I wanted to address anyway... because there are many people who like to put on their Captain Obvious pants and suggest strategies as if a single woman has never thought of them before! So I thought I'd use my blog as a forum to share my thoughts on the lack of men at Church.
It wasn't really an homage to Pablo.

Also, Pablo - I want to appreciate your contributions... but you have turned me off in the past with your displays of intolerance. I also recall comments in which you even criticized the name of my blog! And another critiquing my use of the Charles Gibson quote over on the left sidebar.
That one really cracked me up... because it's pretty obvious that the only people who would disagree with having well-rounded news and political information sources - would be people who are intolerant of any ideas outside of their own... which actually, beautifully makes the point of the quote!

Sometimes... it's all about choosing which battles to fight.

Anonymous said...

"What we've got here is failure to communicate!"
OK there was a delay, so I didn´t see the comment posted, thats all, the rest was unnecesary.