Sunday, March 13, 2011

Cut to the Chase

Last weekend I had a third date with a guy I met online.
He's the sort of guy that you know is a good man - he volunteers, works with kids, wants to start an orphanage. Still, I didn't feel sparks of attraction. We got to date number three so that I could be sure I wasn't missing something.

For our second date, we met at a restaurant for dinner. I liked him a little better than after our first date. He's funny. Nice eyes, nice smile. But still no sparks.
So I was very surprised when he texted me shortly after we parted saying, "I wanted to kiss you."
Really? I hadn't gotten that sense at all.

When I didn't hear from him for more than a week after that... figured he'd given up.
Eventually, we planned date #3.
We went for a long walk with his well-behaved but hyper little dog. Then stopped at a restaurant beyond the park to have a little lunch. On the way back across the park, he told me about his ideas about faith. While it was interesting... it was, for me, a turn off.

You know when you look at online dating profiles and they say something like their 'own religion'? He's one of those. He even wrote a book about his theory!!
(I'm not going to describe or mention it here because I certainly don't want to drive his web traffic to my blog!!!)
Like I said... it was interesting but not compelling to me. I knew instantly that this is not someone I can partner through life with.
Que Sera sera.

But. He's a nice man and I didn't not like him.
So we sat and talked for a bit. He really wanted to kiss me.

I started to explain that I'm in a place in my life that I need to date more than one man at a time, and therefore, it would be awkward to kiss any one of them - because it would be unfair, mis-leading, and eventually kissing leads to other things - which then would make me dishonest with any other man I would be dating.
I feel I need to date more than one man at a time, because I tend to get all caught up and excited right away, to the exclusion of other options... then when it turns out that guy isn't right for me... there I am starting from scratch again.
From here on out, I'm going to date a few men at once... until there is a stand-out who declares he wants me all to himself!
Anyway... he didn't let me get too far beyond just that I don't plan to kiss anyone for a while...
He sort of blurts out, "What, do you think I want to sleep with you?"
he didn't let me answer, he continued... "Of course I do. I'm a guy."
Then he explained that he believes everyone knows within three minutes whether they want to sleep with someone.
Him, me, everyone.

I wanted to argue, but I wasn't given a chance.
I wanted to say that sure, we might sum someone up as 'desirable' or not but that for me, I don't want to sleep with someone until I know that could potentially marry that person.
I rarely even decide if they are attractive to me or not, until I can surmise what sort of life partner they might make.

Sure, in the secular world people can boil it all down to sex and attraction.
But when you're looking for someone who has your salvation in mind... there is much more to consider. To me, attraction starts with... will this guy go to Mass with me? Will he care for me and my family? Would he agree to me staying home if we have kids? In short, does he value what I value?

So today, I got to thinking... counselors, writers, parents, society... all mock women for the 'gene' that gets us planning our wedding with some guy before the second date - but what they don't realize is for some of us, dating IS about planning a marriage.

This guy wouldn't even have gotten to our second date if my only criteria were whether I wanted to have sex with him! But I wanted to know his real worth... what sort of man is he?

To me, that's not so silly.
I only wish it were more acceptable in society to look for a life mate and not just to mate!

I guess I'm supposed to be flattered that he wanted to nail me!

Which reminds me of this...

Also, what if I told a guy, "If my main criteria for dating you was based on whether I wanted to sleep with you, we wouldn't have made it this far."
Howdoya think that would go over?!


Dan.Eliot said...

If you think you're attracted to someone and you want a relationship with her, it is best to introduce her to your kids. You can begin to bring her to parties, gatherings, or dinner. See the reaction of your children '. Ask how she feels is close to your kids. You do not want any complications after you jump into a relationship.

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erinannie said...

As always, beautifully well put!

Genevra said...

That video was hilarious. I think if you told some guys that you'd be talking to him in a language (his) he could understand, and respect it. Not to mention it would just be funny to see what the reaction was. :)

Seriously, I'm so proud of you for giving him more than one date to figure out if he was a good match, and for knowing that you personally need to date more than one guy at a time, in order to be more objective. You rock.

Megz said...

I do think that there is a biological basis for attraction. You only need to look at the old psychology experiments that had men rate the attractiveness of the smell of different women's worn tshirts- they found that men were most attracted to women who had a series of genes that were most UNLIKE the men's own. We are also programmed to repond to things like shoulder to hip ratio in men and waist to hip ratio in women, facial symmetry, voice pitch etc- all things that indicate evolutionary fitness. My friend Sarah calls it the 'We would make strong babies' attraction.

That said, physical attraction alone doesn't make a lasting relationship. I have friends who say that their attraction to someone grows as they learn more about them- for me, it doesn't. I'm either attracted or not, then make the decision about whether I'm interested in getting to know someone further and possibly starting to build a life based on our first few dates. Attraction doesn't equal compatibility is what I am getting at, I suppose!

Anonymous said...

Hey, I was wondering - aren't you afraid those people you date will somehow find your blog online and read it? Or do you not mind? At what point do you let them know about your blog or "friend" them on facebook? I never know these kinds of things.

TRS said...

@ Anonymous -
I'm not too concerned about men, particularly men I've dated stumbling onto this blog. for starters, I don't think too many men are reading singles blogs. (I could be WAY wrong)

In fact, to my knowledge, only a handful of my real-life friends even read blogs at all.

I don't talk about blogging at all to anyone I date. Mr. Burns didn't even know I had a blog, until the last year we were together. I never did tell him the name of it, genre or anything. (I knew he'd be judgmental)

As well, I'm rather anonymous here - or at least I intend to be! If anyone I've dated, comes here and recognizes himself... well, I'd love to know about it.
Perhaps my anonymity is not as tightly veiled as I assume.
I have, after all, revealed a few identifying details that someone who knew me well could add up.

Some of my close friends know about it - but only a few. And even fewer of them visit. They're just not bloggy people.

So hello out there... if anyone thinks they know me, and I don't know about it... let me know! :-)

Melissa said...

Hi TRS -- I'm really proud of you for being out there and actively dating the way you do. You'll never be able to say you didn't try. I am 39 and never married, and I tried to get into the online thing a couple months ago and decided I just couldn't do it. It gives me too much anxiety. I've been on about 3 blind dates in past years and they were among the most anxious days of my life, including days leading up to those dates. I'm a shy person but I can carry on a great conversation. There's just something about meeting up with someone under a situation where you're both sizing up and judging each other as potential life-long mates that my anxiety level can't handle. So I'm proud of you for being out there and doing the online thing!

And this last guy you talked about here -- his comments would have totally turned me off too. Totally. It's unfortunate that so many of the guys out there now are the way they are.

Anyway, keep it up! Maybe I'll get over my anxieties at some point and can put myself out there too.

Melissa in Ohio

Anonymous said...

Very interesting. I have a doubt; if you want a man that can go to mass with you , why don´t you start looking inside your church or other churches, I mean men that are already there. Another doubt,why don´t you tell the guy all these things you write here,try to be clear from the beginning, before you meet him. The worse thing or one of the worse things is that the signals are not clear for the other person, so say want you look for and what you want in a clear way, so you can be sure he got the message from the begining. Thats my opinion.