Saturday, April 11, 2009

Pppllbbt!

I'm feeling pretty lonely right now.
Another holiday alone.
Yes, a friend invited me to have Easter dinner with her family, and I may still take her up on it - but for right now, I'm just not feeling it. Sometimes it's uncomfortable to insert yourself into someone else's family.

I am thinking of a friend of mine back home - who was frazzled getting her house ready for her parents, step parents, brothers, sisters, in-laws and all their kids. And I can't feel sympathetic for her. HER FAMILY comes to her for holidays. Ya know why? Cuz she has a family.

My family will never come here for Christmas or Easter or Thanksgiving. At least not until I'm married and probably not until I have kids. Gotta lay that golden egg ya know.

And married - may never happen.
Things with Mr. Dad look like they're fizzling. That's normal. Things are always really sparky and exciting at first - but as per usual it doesn't last.

Then there is Mr. Burns. He's been calling and asking me to dinner, and to go on walks and stuff with him. We went out for dinner a couple weeks ago - I thought he would have something he wanted to tell me - but no - he just wanted to enjoy my company.

Then he wanted to take me to his place to show me his new furniture and how he's been improving his house. (is he finally nesting?) When there, he said things like - "If we end up together we'll put this here - that there. We'll have to modify this closet."

I looked at him seriously and said, "How can you say things like that? 'If we end up together?'."
He says he is thinking about his future and that he pictures me in it.

Well isn't that a nice piece of torture? Why wasn't he thinking like this while I was thinking that way?

The last time he called, wanting to walk in my favorite park, I had plans with Mr. Dad. I didn't say anything that specific - but I also didn't say that my plans were with any of my girlfriends.
I think he figured it out.

And before we got together for dinner a few weeks ago - I took his phone calls spouting pure vinegar. A bit of hostility. I'm still angry that I'm not planning a wedding.
I'm a little pissed that I'm turning 39 this summer and still looking for a husband! A bit of that anger is directed at Mr. Burns because he should have realized he didn't want me and let me go a year earlier.

And worst of all - though I try to deny it - some of my anger is directed at God, because I feel like He's holding out on me. Or that He sold me a bill of goods (everyone gets married - everyone but YOU!) that He won't make good on.

Clearly I have the wrong attitude. Right now I don't know how to change it. Today I don't know how to change it. Some days are better than others. This is a tough one.

as for home for Easter - I can't afford it. I just spent $300 getting my taxes done. I'm planning to go home in May for my niece's graduation - and a 20 hour drive each month just isn't that appealing - or affordable considering my reduced hours.

Pity Party - right here.

Happy Easter though.

10 comments:

J said...

This might sound kinda negative...but one thing that might help a little for your state of mind is spending some time with a married couple who is really having trouble, see how they interact and how marriage has the ability to be painful also. I don't know if this would be someone you know (I hope not but odds are that if you know married couples, some of them are actually not doing so great), or someone you don't know that you can observe (like in a restaurant or public place or something - I see them all the time, maybe because I am watching for them). There is nothing that makes you grateful for where you are at the moment more than seeing (or considering being in) a terrible marriage (this counts for married folks as well). I don't know, feel free to disregard, that just occurred to me...

Yvonne said...

My heart goes out to you - I think of you often - I actually thought of you while at church today - a single person was sitting next to me - and I remembered what you said, and at the sign of peace, I turned to her first - before my husband and son.

My opinion (for what it's worth) on Mr. Burns? Don't settle - he will always keep you at arms length, and his feelings will always come first. Always.

You have the disadvantage of geography - my brother Dan who lives just outside Chicago, will be 40 in September and never married - is a great catch but just has not found the right girl. He was raised Catholic, like you, but I'm not sure if he still goes to church other than special occaisions with the family. Well, if you ever decide that moving east is for you, I'll figure out a way for you to meet! I know - that totally sounds so lame - but just so you know - the right guy does exist - he just doesn't happen to live in CO. Have a Happy Easter.

TRS said...

J - that's not a bad idea, and I appreciate the intention. But usually when I observe people like that I just get upset with them. That they don't know what they have - and they obviously don't respect one another.
Of course, I think I can do it better! ;-)

Yvonne - it warms my heart that you did that. Thanks for sharing it with me. And hey this 20-hour a week job isn't exactly tying me down! I'd move for the right guy!
Not as if you'd introduce your brother to some girl you 'met' on a blog!

Caribbean Shulamite said...

Can I just give you a big, knowing (((HUG)))?


p.s. Some time ago I refused to put myself into any more danger by being angry with God (who i know is always just, and flawless...there's just so much i dont know) so i just turned to meditating, speaking and leaning on His word. one of my faves - for about 7 years now - is Psalm 73:25-26. it does wonders in me

TRS said...

Thank you CS - that's a beautiful verse. I love it. Thank you.

Krissie said...

I'm so sorry you are having a rough day. Wishing we lived closer so we could have had an Easter celebration of our own.

I've also been there in the being angry at God before, will probably be there again. It's helpful for me to remember that God can handle that, so don't stop talking to him even if all your doing it telling him you're angry.

Praying for you!

Anonymous said...

Run in the opposite direction from Mr. Burns. It is just the same song, second verse. You deserve better.

God does not withhold good things from His children. Sometimes, it is hard to see the good things.

debbie d. said...

I just want to kick Mr. Burns to the curb...he shouldn't be calling you unless he's made up his mind...I think it's just mean...and frankly, if he hasn't made up his mind about wonderful you??? well then...back to my kicking him to the curb.

Yvonne said...

Hey there - you never know......

auntie said...

"been there, done that" doesn't even begin to describe my thoughts on this post! as usual, you speak for many :)

and as for mr. burns...if you choose to continue talking to him, i don't think you should censor what you say if he asks if you have plans or wants to do something with you. tell him you have a date, and leave it at that. he doesn't need to know details.

i'm not telling you that in hopes that he'll get jealous and realize that he wants you back...because i guarantee that's exactly what WILL happen...until he goes back to acting selfish and inconsiderate, which will probably be sooner rather than later. obviously, i'm speaking from experience on this one! a clean break is the only way i've ever completely gotten over someone, and although it's really difficult, it's also really necessary. i think having contact with him just keeps that little part of your mind in the "maybe he'll come to his senses" stage, and you can't fully move on to what God has in store for you when you're in that place.

i know it sucks. bigtime. i'll be praying for you!

(also - sorry to hear about you and Mr. Dad...did you hold off on meeting his kids?)

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