I'm feeling pretty lonely right now.
Another holiday alone.
Yes, a friend invited me to have Easter dinner with her family, and I may still take her up on it - but for right now, I'm just not feeling it. Sometimes it's uncomfortable to insert yourself into someone else's family.
I am thinking of a friend of mine back home - who was frazzled getting her house ready for her parents, step parents, brothers, sisters, in-laws and all their kids. And I can't feel sympathetic for her. HER FAMILY comes to her for holidays. Ya know why? Cuz she has a family.
My family will never come here for Christmas or Easter or Thanksgiving. At least not until I'm married and probably not until I have kids. Gotta lay that golden egg ya know.
And married - may never happen.
Things with Mr. Dad look like they're fizzling. That's normal. Things are always really sparky and exciting at first - but as per usual it doesn't last.
Then there is Mr. Burns. He's been calling and asking me to dinner, and to go on walks and stuff with him. We went out for dinner a couple weeks ago - I thought he would have something he wanted to tell me - but no - he just wanted to enjoy my company.
Then he wanted to take me to his place to show me his new furniture and how he's been improving his house. (is he finally nesting?) When there, he said things like - "If we end up together we'll put this here - that there. We'll have to modify this closet."
I looked at him seriously and said, "How can you say things like that? 'If we end up together?'."
He says he is thinking about his future and that he pictures me in it.
Well isn't that a nice piece of torture? Why wasn't he thinking like this while I was thinking that way?
The last time he called, wanting to walk in my favorite park, I had plans with Mr. Dad. I didn't say anything that specific - but I also didn't say that my plans were with any of my girlfriends.
I think he figured it out.
And before we got together for dinner a few weeks ago - I took his phone calls spouting pure vinegar. A bit of hostility. I'm still angry that I'm not planning a wedding.
I'm a little pissed that I'm turning 39 this summer and still looking for a husband! A bit of that anger is directed at Mr. Burns because he should have realized he didn't want me and let me go a year earlier.
And worst of all - though I try to deny it - some of my anger is directed at God, because I feel like He's holding out on me. Or that He sold me a bill of goods (everyone gets married - everyone but YOU!) that He won't make good on.
Clearly I have the wrong attitude. Right now I don't know how to change it. Today I don't know how to change it. Some days are better than others. This is a tough one.
as for home for Easter - I can't afford it. I just spent $300 getting my taxes done. I'm planning to go home in May for my niece's graduation - and a 20 hour drive each month just isn't that appealing - or affordable considering my reduced hours.
Pity Party - right here.
Happy Easter though.