Monday, April 16, 2012

Dating Fatigue

Oh... I swear sometimes I just don't even know what I'm doing.
I honestly think that after this many years of dating, instead of getting good at it - it's impossible to do it right.
It's like an athlete practicing the perfect swing, or pitch or shot or volley.  Sure, the more you practice, the better you get at it. 50, 100 times, maybe you're learning something.  But 50,000 times... there must be diminishing returns. Your form gets sloppy. You get muscle fatigue. Eventually you hurt yourself.  Eventually you can't even tell what you're doing right and what you're doing wrong.  You lose track.

That's what's going on in my dating life.
On top of that, I have advice coming from all different directions.  Don't kiss him. Don't have sex. Don't text him. Don't call him. Let him pursue you.  Gah!

So I've tried that.
There was a guy last summer that I liked. I really liked him. But I wasn't sure if I was attracted to him.  I mean, I thought he was good looking but I wasn't feeling the za za zu. (Meaning, I couldn't picture ever wanting to tear his clothes off!) I thought this was a good opportunity to try out the no kissing rule.  
Looking back on that, he lost interest.  I'm sure he thought I wasn't interested.

The no sex part, I can handle.  I'm a pro at it. Believe me. (although I want desperately to find my husband already and have lots of sex!!! He's going to be SO lucky!) 
But I can't not kiss a guy that I'm attracted to. And because I'm so starved for physical intimacy, (I mean, if we start counting from age 20 I've been dating for more than two decades!!  And it's been more than a year since McTwitchy) I make the most of the kissing.  In fact, I think I take it too far, unintentionally.  I actually forget that while I can kiss for hours and still rein in my urges... guys can't. Then they're frustrated, and stop calling the frustrating girl.

See.  It's a vicious circle.
Because I want and need intimacy - I get a little intimacy - and because of it - I am starved of said intimacy.

This may be my entire problem.
I mean, at what point to does one explain that you're dating chastely? That yes, you love sex and have a better than healthy sex drive - but that he's not going to get to experiment any time soon, and that's why people should get engaged in six to nine months of dating!!! I mean, you can't bring that up on the first date. Do you have that conversation before you even kiss? That seems awkward too.
And when you only get 3-4 dates... when the heck CAN it come up?

I really wish men would want to discuss this stuff instead of giving up because they're confused.

That combined with the fact that though out all the years I've been dating - the communication surrounding dating has changed.
When I started out, you met guys in real life. They called and asked you out. The plans were firm. You both showed up at the same place and there were no distractions like cell phones and texting, not to mention 20 other women lined up on some dating site.

When you liked someone, you had a couple phone conversations a week if not everyday.

Now, a guy who MIGHT be interested will text you to see if your available. It would be nice if they'd call to firm up the date - but you can't really expect that.
The last few guys I've dated recently, don't call me in between dates. They text to arrange something and the moments once a week we are face to face, is the only time I get to have a conversation with them.
Is it any wonder it's impossible to start a relationship?

Any advice from someone who's been in the dating world recently (not married/engaged in the past 4 years) of how to encourage proper dating?


Emily said...

What if you tried calling him instead of waiting for him to call you? I know it's less traditional but I've found many guys actually like it and it makes me feel more empowered.

Anonymous said...

So many times when I read your blog it's as if you've read my mind. I wish I had some brilliant answer to this post. The truth is, dating in your 30s/40s is very difficult, and having hundreds of possible matches at your finger tips in the online world is a double-edged sword. Without it I would be completely dateless. But with it I find myself feeling anxious, confused, and frustrated by the new dating standards of this era. My rule of thumb is, well, the Golden Rule. If I would want a guy to call me or be honest and forthright or communicate beyond a weekly text, then that is what I do. If I am rejected because of it I suppose we weren't a "match" anyway. Ugh, it's tough! But I remain hopeful that there are men who are on the same page as me. But the No Sex thing? Yikes...I'm sure you're aware that abstinence dramatically decreases the dating pool. But if this is a deal breaker for you, it's a deal breaker. We all have them. :) I wish you good luck, and I will continue to faithfully read your blog.

TRS said...

@ Emily, well, that's part of the dilemma. If those who have gained husbands... and their husbands are encouraging me not to call a guy after he's' blown me off for a week (from my perspective) because he should be squirming and wondering if I still like him so that his ardor can increase.... what do I do? Do I call him? Let him call me? Let the whole thing go because I want a man who wants me - and if he's' not decent enough to call then who needs him? I dunno!!!

@ DRS - yep, that sure makes it harder. But I'm certainly not sleeping with someone in the first few dates!!! If I had slept with every guy I've made to three dates with... you'd have to disinfect me!
At my age, you can't throw your heart to every guy that comes along.

Jill said...

I'm confused because you say you have a healthy sex drive, but you also mention that you aren't having sex. How do you know that then?
Maybe you should consider getting a dating coach. It is actually to your disadvantage to have sex within the first few dates. So perhaps how you communicate with them is turning them off.

TRS said...


It's like this... yes, I have had sex before - but once I realized I was being used, (luckily it didn't take me too long to figure out) I decided that the next man I would have sex with would be my husband (at the time, I wasn't sure if it would be prior to marriage or not, but he would for sure be the man I would marry.)

So yeah, I know a little bit about my sex drive. Also, one doesn't have to be sexually active to know what their body needs/desires.
And just because I'm able to rein in my impulses, doesn't mean I don't want to.

People are very foolish if they think virgins, the abstinent and the chaste are somehow devoid of sexual drives.