Sunday, April 17, 2011

Worth the Trip?

When I moved to this city, I left some close friends behind back home.  Initially, I thought I would only be here for six months.  It'll be nine years this summer.   When I knew I was staying, I mentioned to some of those friends how nice it would be if they came to visit. 

One of my guy friends has been out here three times now.  He is a traveler, so it's natural for him. 
Another girl friend came out for a weekend visit once... and another caught up with me when her parents brought her out here for a Rockies game.

But my best friend has never come.   I was her maid of honor.  I am Godmother to her oldest child. 
About eight years ago, she told me she would come out for my wedding.

Well guess what? There hasn't been a wedding.  There is no wedding on the horizon.

I moved here in my early 30s, so everyone thought Mr.Right was just about to show up.  It was reasonable that a friend would assume that a wedding would be just a year or two away.  

Then in 2007,  I started dating Mr. Burns and a lot of people thought a wedding was eminent.
As you know, that was a no-go.

Eight years later, isn't it time to get in the car and say hi?

Yeah, I admit I'm hurt by it... and if you don't understand why, let me put it this way...   I'm not important enough to visit just me.  I'm not worth visiting unless I can prove that someone else, someone whom she has never met, loves me and wants to spend his life with me. 

Is that how you want your friends to feel?
So if I never have a wedding - she'll never visit?

Part of this world tells me that I shouldn't feel pressured to be married.  But then some of the people closest to me can only justify a car trip if there's a big event to go along with seeing me.

(Let's face it, we've all been to friend's weddings... you don't even get to visit with the bride or groom... they're way too busy!)

Is anyone else out there sending a message like this to someone they love?   Did you even realize the message you're sending?

FYI: It's an eight hour car trip or a 2 hour flight. I drive a couple hours out of my way to visit her when I'm out that way to visit my parents.


erinannie said...

I can't even count how many times I have flown across the country to visit friends. Let alone the amount of money I have spent on those trips.
But nope, not once ever, has anyone ever bothered to come visit me.
I accept a large portion of it as they have kids, and therefore their travels are far more complicated than mine. But still. Just once it would be nice if someone came to visit me.
Last year I was totally stunned when the husband of a good friend told me that he had promised his wife that if "XYandZ all happened" that they would make a whole family trip out to see me, and tour DC with me. X and Y have happened, but we're still waiting on Z. Until then, I'm looking forward to flying out and seeing them next week!

k said...

Very few of my friends have come to visit me in the 10 years I've lived in Seattle. I think of it as less as a slight towards me, and more about the fact that doing something like taking a long weekend trip that involves an airplane is so foreign to them (which is really unfortunate for them, they aren't just missing out on seeing me, but seeing a lot of other amazing places too).

Have you talked to her about coming to visit recently? Why not ask if she wants to come specifically for a girls weekend or something (make suggestions for what you can do while she is here an such). If you can swing it, maybe offer to split the plane ticket with her as a gesture of really wanting her to visit. Sometimes you just need to plant the idea in someone's mind to make it a reality!

Caribbean Shulamite said...

Total strangers but I'd come visit if I could :-) If even for some coffee. Still love your blog!

Genevra said...

Hmm, that would sting. I live in Vegas, so that probably accounts for why I seem to have more than my fair share of friends and family either visiting me specifically, or wanting to grab dinner and catch up if they are in town for something else. People love to come to Vegas and I just happen to be there. :)

I like K's suggestion though. Who doesn't love a girl's weekend? And sometimes people just need a reminder of how much fun you are to spend time with. :)

TRS said...

Thanks ladies! It's nice to know that someone else understands.

It's not so much working out the logistics of a visit, (though she does have kids) but the fact that she has stipulated that the reason for a visit would have to revolve around a wedding.
She might as well say, "I'll visit when you have two heads."

@CS - that's funny, and you would be totally welcome to come visit! Erin and I actually met last year when she came through town!

Milissa said...

I understand this. I moved away 10 years ago and the burden of travel pretty much always falls on my shoulders. It's hard. My best friend actually has made an effort a few times, but my brother hasn't been able to swing it at all. Now he has 2 babies and 1 on the way...not sure he'll ever get to see the beautiful Shenandoah Valley if he keeps waiting on "the kids to get old enough, life to get less busy, etc." I finally made peace with it. I LOVE these people. It hurts...but I'm in a position to travel to see's never enough, but it's what we have right now. And they go out of their way to make my visits home special...not sure they would do that it I lived there...I do appreciate every moment I get with them.

Terry said...

The time to question it was 10 years ago. "You will only visit for big occasions? No visit beforehand to meet the guy? What if I buy a house? Get a dog? Have a Birthday? Just want to see you?"
If you had gotten married, say 5 years ago, would she have visited afterwards?
She kinda told you then she wasn't coming way back then.