I find myself in a position that no one can understand.
Yes, sweetly they try, but no one gets it.
I've mentioned before that passed the age of 40, I've come to terms with my diminishing fertility. Sure, it could still happen but I'm not holding my breath. And I'm pretty comfortable knowing that I won't have children. I'm still sad about it sometimes, but normally it's okay.
The man I'm dating now is a father. He has three kids, and if he could choose, he's done. The fact is, he is done, thanks to a decision by his ex wife.
Together, we babysat my friend's toddler one Saturday evening. She was an absolute delight, (she loves her auntie TRS). Afterward, he told me he's worried he's not the guy for me, because I so obviously OUGHT to have children, and he can't give that to me. He wonders if he should bow out, because he thinks I deserve someone who can give me children.
Oh please. I've lived my whole life waiting for someone to have children with... If he hasn't shown up by now, well yeah, it's a little late.
That ship has sailed. My fertility is in my past. I don't want him to feel he's keeping me from something that's not going to happen anyway.
When I share this with friends they insist I could still get pregnant and have a baby. ( sure it's possible - but not likely- and I have to live with unlikely)
I can adopt, we could foster children. Yes. But that's not the point. I wanted to experience truly being a woman. To experience pregnancy, childbirth, nursing. But now? Would I want to start with an infant at my age? If God wills it, absolutely. But that's not likely. It seems He has made darn certain that I, TRS will never reproduce. I can't imagine why, but there it is.
No one really understands where I am now. I've accepted that its not likely that I'll have children, and I'm okay with it. A man who wants to give me everything, including something he can never give me, worries that he's not enough for me. ( I appreciate his frustration)
Sometimes I think everyone who thinks I could still have babies, doesn't realize that those celebrities my age and older who have healthy twins, have had thousands if not millions of dollars of in-vitro (something I'll never do) not to mention nannies, and no need to work for a living.
They don't realize that if I could have a baby, I'd likely suffer through multiple miscarriages first. How heartbreaking would that be?
I've accepted where I am, and no one understands. Worse, no one wants to accept it with me.
Or, am I beyond being realistic? Am I only seeing the negative? What do you think?
2 days ago