Monday, February 25, 2013

No One Understands

I find myself in a position that no one can understand.
Yes, sweetly they try, but no one gets it.

I've mentioned before that passed the age of 40, I've come to terms with my diminishing fertility. Sure, it could still happen but I'm not holding my breath. And I'm pretty comfortable knowing that I won't have children. I'm still sad about it sometimes, but normally it's okay.

The man I'm dating now is a father. He has three kids, and if he could choose, he's done. The fact is, he is done, thanks to a decision by his ex wife.
Together, we babysat my friend's toddler one Saturday evening. She was an absolute delight, (she loves her auntie TRS). Afterward, he told me he's worried he's not the guy for me, because I so obviously OUGHT to have children, and he can't give that to me. He wonders if he should bow out, because he thinks I deserve someone who can give me children.

Oh please. I've lived my whole life waiting for someone to have children with... If he hasn't shown up  by now, well yeah, it's a little late.
That ship has sailed. My fertility is in my past. I don't want him to feel he's keeping me from something that's not going to happen anyway.

When I share this with friends they insist I could still get pregnant and have a baby. ( sure it's possible - but not likely- and I have to live with unlikely)
I can adopt, we could foster children. Yes. But that's not the point. I wanted to experience truly being a woman. To experience pregnancy, childbirth, nursing. But now? Would I want to start with an infant at my age? If God wills it, absolutely. But that's not likely. It seems He has made darn certain  that I, TRS will never reproduce. I can't imagine why, but there it is.

No one really understands where I am now. I've accepted that its not likely that I'll have children, and I'm okay with it. A man who wants to give me everything, including something he can never give me, worries that he's not enough for me.  ( I appreciate his frustration)

Sometimes I think everyone who thinks I could still have babies, doesn't realize that those celebrities my age and older who have healthy twins, have had thousands if not millions of dollars of in-vitro (something I'll never do)  not to mention nannies, and no need to work for a living.
They don't realize that if I could have a baby, I'd likely suffer through multiple miscarriages first. How heartbreaking would that be?

I've accepted where I am, and no one understands. Worse, no one wants to accept it with me.

Or, am I beyond being realistic? Am I only seeing the negative? What do you think?


Phip Shar said...

I don't think you're being negative at all and I understand a little! God gives us a lifetime to bless and change others in a variety of ways. But, biology gives us a limited window in which to physically bear children. I am struggling with the same thing myself. While I'm not 40, I'm past my early 30s and am coming to the realization that it just may not happen for me.

When I get that way, I let myself be sad for a bit and then I focus on the other ways I get to create and serve and bless. The important thing is to let yourself feel all the emotions, give them the credit they are due.

As to the Mister's comment about being enough- my opinion on being enough is that if someone loves us and is there for the ups and downs, the ugly cries and the fits of laughter, the fancy dress days and the sweatpants days and who knows our heart, then they are enough. :)

Genevra said...

Hmm, I thought about this since I read it last night. I think it is a combination of both. I wouldn't say negative per se, I would say you've lived with the disappointment of a dream unfulfilled for so long, that you can't see it through the lense of all puppies and rainbows like everyone else who isn't walking your path and felt your heartache can. And that is okay. It's your life. You know what is right for you and your soul, your heart. And if it is to let go of that dream and create another dream for your life, on that will bring you happiness as well, that is your choice. As long as you understand and accept it, that is all that matters. I think other people mean well, but they just don't put themselves in other peoples shoes enough to know that maybe their good intentions cause more pain and frustration.

In regard to the man, I think this is just part of the dating and get to know you process. You worry if you will be enough or can offer what the other person wants. Or you worry if they can. Only time and lots of honest communication can tell. Good luck!

Catholic Mutt said...

I don't think you're being negative at all. There is this place where everyone thinks we should get all of those things that we have ever desired. But it doesn't happen for everyone. Personally, I think accepting that (while still being open to the unlikely possibility of something different) just lets you be open to enjoy and embrace what is before you now.

TRS said...

Thanks ladies!
Phil, you're so right about what is enough!
Genevra, you have such a great understanding... your ability to put it into words is priceless!
Mutt, same with you... what a great way to put words to it.

I don't always see it as people wishing me the desires of my heart. I see it as not being realistic ... Then they are frustrated that I'm being too realistic. I dunno. My life has never been a dream come true. I certainly don't accept it any more.
That doesn't mean life isn't good.

Heidi said...

You're right--people don't understand. A friend of a work friend is pregnant with a very healthy baby, and she's in her 50s. SUCH an anomaly! Yes, it gives me hope, but I know very well that none of my female relatives were able to have children past my age (38), so I'm not holding my breath. I feel ok with it, like you, most of the time. You remind me of a dear friend who has blogged extensively about her many miscarriages and the early (and ultimately tragic) birth of her only child. Maybe you can gain strength from her experience: