Monday, June 22, 2009

On My iPod - the Rosary; Here's Why

At the start of 2007 I was determined to meet my husband. I wouldn't say I was desperate - I was just DONE being alone, and it was time to meet him.

I put out the call for all my friends to introduce me to someone that year - and I began praying the Rosary every night. I bought a CD of the Rosary, and a beautifully illustrated book of the mysteries of the Rosary to help me remember just how it went.

By the end of February I had met Mr. Burns. (the third guy I was introduced to)

Instantly, I knew I liked him. He was so many of the things I was looking for in a man - and so many more I didn't know I needed/wanted.

He couldn't believe I was real.
We became inseparable.
I was sure we'd be engaged by the end of the year.

You know much of the rest.
At some point, things got harder than hard. After 18 months together - he seemed stuck. Mired in some place that kept him from deepening our relationship. I still knew there was something really good there - but after keeping this thing afloat all by myself for so long, I needed a breather.
It was like our relationship was in this boat full of holes and the only way to keep it afloat was for me to hold it up from underwater. He gave me enough help to come up for air once in a while, but mostly, I was exhausted.

And I got out of the habit of praying the Rosary once I had what I wanted... and couldn't get back into it now that I needed assistance again.

Looking back now, we realize that our relationship went off the rails when his dad died unexpectedly. We had been dating for 5 months and everything was moving along just as you would expect - until Mr. Burns was hit with grief.

Hindsight has taught us that he was mired in that grief for longer than either of us realized.

In addition to that, I lost my job two months later. I found part-time work, but I had way too much free time.
He no longer saw the driven, successful, creative woman that I normally am - during the majority of our time together.

That's a lot of stress to put on a young relationship.
But now we know that we can get through some really ugly stuff.
It took us breaking up to have the distance required to learn this.

So, as you know - we've been spending time together again.

But, once when it was Mr. Burns who just didn't know where our relationship was going - now it's me.
I used to know for sure that we were meant to be together - and I was frustrated that he was so confused.

Now, he knows what he wants and I'm the one confused.

We went out for dinner Saturday evening, and as we walked, our pinkies entwined like we used to on long walks or when hiking. (it's too hot and too much to hold hands when you're trying to exercise, so we would just link pinkies instead - to be connected.)
Suddenly I was uncomfortable. It seemed too intimate, considering the confusion between my head and my heart. I released his pinky.

We found a photo booth - I can never pass those up - and ducked inside for a silly photo-session. So overwhelmed with affection is he... he couldn't help but nuzzle on me. I was uncomfortable again.

I attribute this in part to the time I spent really working on disconnecting from him. I still think he's the right guy for me, but in the break-up - some vital cords were severed. They need to be reestablished before we can move forward.

Or, do I just not know whether this is right or not?


Mr. Burns surprised me with two thoughtful gifts for my birthday... one at the beginning of the week to kick things off - and another on Saturday to end the week-long celebration on a high note.

He loved the look on my face when I opened the iP0d Shuffle. It was extreme shock and surprise!
He helped me set up my i+une$ account.
The first thing we loaded on my Shuffle was the Rosary.

Finally, last night, I realized that I can't do this on my own. I need to get back to the Rosary and let the prayer lead me to the answers.


Roxie said...

I wish you blessings and peace and happiness with this.

Eight years ago I was sure that two of my friends would be married by the end of the year. Over two years later they were. During those two years they each wanted to marry the other, but never at the same time. He'd be ready while she would be confused. And then she'd be ready and he'd need time to think. They finally got together on it though and will celebrate their sixth anniversary in a couple of months.

The Lord is there for you. And all things will work in the end.

Holly said...

An iPod sounds like an awesome birthday present to me too! :)