Thursday, July 10, 2008

No. It Isn't Fun

My best friend got married in 2002. Oh did she look beautiful! I never saw anyone smile so broadly as she did when she came down the aisle. It was a glorious day.

In the years since then, prior to my meeting Mr. Burns… she would get so excited every time I had a date. If I actually liked the guy enough for a second date or more she would wistfully say, “Oh, I miss dating. Dating was so much fun.”

This annoyed me to no end. Dating is NOT fun.
It’s tedious.
It’s a chore.
It’s worse than a job interview except it’s supposed to be fun.
It’s a job.
It sucks.
I hate dating.

You obviously don’t remember what dating was like if you recall it as fun.
Setting yourself up for dinner and disappointment every week or two is no joy. When you are in your 30s, you rarely expect a date to go well. It’s just an exercise. Cleaning the bathtub is more rewarding than another first date.

Then I met Mr. Burns, and I finally experienced the wonder and thrill of waiting anxiously to see him again. Expecting his phone call – then hearing his voice on the other end of the line. Learning what he enjoyed. Hearing about his childhood and growing up stories. Recognizing the sound of his car alarm being armed when he parked on my street and I knew he was about to buzz my apartment. So exciting!

When I shared these little thrills with Best Friend she said, “See, I miss dating. Dating was so much fun.”

Oh. This is what you were talking about!
All this time I thought you were talking about the tedium of dating and it just ticked me off when you said that!

Yeah. Dating someone with potential is fun.

Searching through all of those men, looking for potential – sucks. Wasting an evening with a guy – who it turns out – is going to expect you to sleep with him on your next date – even though the connection between you, if any, is weak – lousy.

Over the past year and a half, I have counted how lucky I am not being out there. Mr. Burns and I would turn to each other and say. “I hate dating. I’m so glad I don’t have to do that.” Of course I was thinking “…anymore.”

I had hoped to God that I wouldn’t have to date anymore. Ever.

I know I have mentioned a couple times that I think our relationship is nearly over. I haven’t been able to actually break up just yet.
Part of it is dread that I’ll have to eventually start ‘dating’ again. Ugh.
Part of it is… as I share concerns with him – he is really trying. He’s making a real effort.

But if I don’t see that excitement of ‘having me’ of knowing that I am in his life for good and he’s thrilled by the thought of it – I have to get out. I just don’t think either of us should have to try that hard.

I just can’t bear dating again. The thought of it is worse than any pain or agony of breaking up with this wonderful man in my life


Anonymous said...

I think one of the biggest lies we tell ourselves is that it's better in a bad relationship than it is to be single. I found myself believing this at points. It's just not true.

Looking back it's better to be single than stay in a relationship that's either going no where or not good.

I'm all for dating with purpose and getting as many dates in as possible, defining what I'm looking for and just having fun. A guy should really do a great job of planning a really good date. If he doesn't or off-loads too much on you - besides asking if you have a favorite place or something that has interested you - move on.

I see a lot of people dating without purpose or dating to be too serious. Now I feel like if I was single again it would be with the purpose to get married again. I would seek out a matchmaker or someone like that. I wouldn't be out just for giggles with my kid's lives to think of.


k said...

life is sucky sometimes...

Anth said...

That sucks. I hate when a relationship is over, but it hasn't ended, and you just drag along for a while. I'm sorry. Makes sense that you're not really thrilled to go back to the land of crappy first dates.

the wifey said...

that stinks. dating for me was not fun before meeting my hubby. i usually ended a "dating" relationship after no more than two weeks just because i didn't want to waste time and i promised myself that i was not going to settle for someone less than exactly what i wanted and needed. the loneliness was probably the worst part, though. although, i did use my lonely times to write journals to my future hubby...