I took an extended week for Thanksgiving. There were some family obligations to tend to so I took about 10 days and sprinkled in some work-from-home time as not to use up ALL my vacation time.
So I had plenty of time to putter around the small town, and once again my eyes were opened to the differences... not just between living in a city and living in rural America, but in the attitudes there.
Of course you can guess, that everyone there is married by 23 or 25, and if not, they have a few kids, possibly with different fathers. And that's considered normal because - hey - how can you not have kids. They just "happen" you know. No one even thinks about waiting for marriage!
I wonder what they think of someone who is over 40 and doesn't have kids. I should have had one by "accident" by now!
But oh well. I digress.
So I'm in the grocery store picking up goodies in preparation of our Thanksgiving dinner.
In the aisle, ahead of me, was a mother and daughter... the daughter somewhere between 18 and 22. As her mom went to put something in the shopping cart, the daughter muttered, "Put that on the bottom." as mom was positioned to put it in the cart, and then had to reposition herself to put it under the cart. Mom's adjustments clearly weren't fast enough for the daughter, who repeated, a bit louder and more sternly each time, "Put It On The Bottom, PUT IT ON THE BOTTOM!"
The mom did so, then looked up and said, kindly, "I heard you the first time."
She said it sweetly, with humor and a balanced touch of reproach, so I couldn't help but laugh.
The mom heard me, laughed too then motioned to her daughter and said, "Do you have one of those too? So bossy."
"Nope. Still waiting for the husband to turn up so I can start!"
They were about to turn the corner and she said over her shoulder, "Just don't look online!"
"Oh, honey, I've tried that and everything else. He's no where to be found!"
But it struck me, that her perception was that online dating was NOT a place to look!
Was it because she's a small town woman and has the idea that only creepers and ax murderers are online? That those looking online can't be sincere? Or that there's clearly something wrong with them, because otherwise they wouldn't have to resort to online dating?
I almost laughed because I thought ... look at me? Could I be single this long and NOT have turned to online dating some time in the past 11 years!!
Oh - how married people don't understand dating!
Clearly, most of us single folks don't get it either.
So when I read this wonderful outline of online dating tips from Proverbial Girlfriend, via Veil of Chastity's Quick Takes post... it really resonated with me.
I'm not looking right now, because I'm just too tired... but I have to agree with only investing an hour, one day a week into checking your matches and communicating. Sure, you might miss out on an impatient guy, but what would that hurt?
Just wanted to share it with all of you because it's beyond brilliant. Enjoy.
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3 comments:
I think a lot of people have negative perceptions of online dating.
We have a friend who's 38 and single (his last relationship ended 6 years ago), and he blatantly refuses to even consider online dating. I think that, in his mind, it's embarrassing to try online dating because it means you're desperate and can't find dates in a "normal" way. Most of his friends did not meet their partners through online dating (my fiance and I included), so I think he's worried about being the odd one out if he meets someone on the Internet... However, there is one one couple in the group of friends who met online, and they are still going strong after three years.
I hope he decides to give it a try though, because he does want to start a family one day, and it's not likely that he will meet someone with his current daily-life routines (going to work, meeting up with the group of friends every week, going to the same places, being reluctant to meet new people). We have invited him to a New Year's party with some people from my office (who he's never met), and he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to go because he'd rather spend the evening with people he already knows! You mentioned in a older post that some people choose to be single (despite proclaiming the opposite), and he is definitely one of them.
My fiance and I joke about creating an online dating profile for him, but I don't think he'd see the humour in it :-)
I'm not entirely convinced that online dating works. Better than any other tactic, more or less. I think a lot of it depends on luck. And gods timing.
I think you could look under every rock and if it's not Gods plan, it's never going to yield anything.
But I do commiserate about your friend, and the frustration that he won't take any risks. That's not going to attract anyone.
I am at the point where I sometimes feel, it wouldn't matter if I went out.... There's not going to be a nice Catholic man there. So why bother? But I know that's the wrong attitude too. Maybe someone I would meet, knows someone!
It's certainly not easy. And the older we get, the more miserable the experience!
Do you believe that, if God intends for two people to meet, He will make it happen in one way or another?
I can't help but think that I was meant to meet MrK, it feels like it was all part of a greater plan. It really is such a cliche, but I met him when I was not looking. I know you hate hearing people say that, and I completely understand that (no one likes to feel like they have no control over something they really want). It was a matter of being in the right place at the right time (had I arrived there only 30 minutes later I would have missed him). And I had even sworn off men only a few weeks before and was certainly not looking for a date, much less a husband! Considering how much my life has been transformed since then, I am convinced that it was meant to be. Now I think that, if love is a reflection of God's love (and considering how flawed and imperfect we humans really are), God's love must be so unbelievably wonderful that our minds cannot even comprehend it. And this mindset is quite a change for me, considering that I initially never thought I'd want to get married, and I thought that romantic love was made-up or overrated.
Of course, I consider myself extremely blessed (I don't mean that in an arrogant way, it's more like a recognition and acknowledgement), and I do feel a lot of sympathy for you, especially considering how much you really desire love and marriage. I hope you find it (and I do think you will!). At least, when you find it, you will look back on all your miserable dating experiences and appreciate your marriage even more because of it.
But yeah.. you probably do need to get out and about to find the right guy, as he probably won't come knocking on your door out of the blue :-) In my case, it was a matter of two stubborn friends who dragged me out for drinks despite my protests. It's amazing what you think will be low-key evening out with friends can lead to.
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