Bait

Let's call it Bait the Catholic.
It's kind of like Devil's Advocate, but with more stupidity.

I was baited today and I'm still steaming.
It started with an innocent conversation when someone kindly asked me if I wanted kids. Yes, I had wanted children, I had longed for a family, but I'm 43 now and single so we're not banking on that ever happening.
A reasonable person would say, "Yeah, I can see that. That's too bad."

But you know how it is. Another voice chimes in. "You COULD have a baby if you really wanted one."
Well, I'm not going to go into how I don't have sexy time with men I'm not married to, so not so much. I shouldn't have to explain that in casual conversation, with a conversation interruptor.
I'm certainly not going into the fact that if I didn't feel right about having a baby by myself when I was young and fertile, and had endless energy... it's even less likely that I'm going to decide to have a baby by myself when it hurts to walk through IKE@ wearing sneakers!! And I can't touch my toes to begin with. If I wasn't having sexy time with non-husbands when I was young and h@rny, I'm not going to suddenly start now!

No, I'm not getting into that with someone who is baiting me.
But I did say, "What am I supposed to do? Spend 2/3rds of my salary to put a baby in day care while I work 43 hours a week just to put a baby in daycare?"  I figure referring to cash flow problems is the easiest way to appeal to secular do-what-you-want-that's-all-that-matters-anyway types.

She continued, "That's an excuse."
Um, no. That's a reality. I'm a single woman in an occupation that seriously, pays me only a few thousand more than what a year of day care costs. If I would have ever gotten married, I knew I could easily make the argument for me to be a stay-at-home mom. It's silly to work if your take home salary after day care expenses is just enough to cover your travel expenses to and from work. But I digress.

She threw it out there. You could have a baby if you really wanted to.

No. I want more than a baby. I want a family. And I want any babies that come, to have a family. A mommy and a daddy. Not a stressed out, broke mom with no resources and no family nearby.
And in order for that to happen, I need a husband.

Then I did have to resort to explaining how in order to have a husband, I had to live in a different era, one in which men saw a reason to get married. When society started telling men we didn't need to them to have babies - they heard it! They've responded accordingly! That's fine for you maybe, but you've ruined it for women like me.

She said it again. "That's your opinion."
Oh super. The great secular argument. Every option is an opinion.
I wish my brain and mouth would engage in the moment, because I should have said, "No. It's not my opinion. It's the truth. It's the truth of the Bible and the truth of the Catechism.  There's a right way to do it if you can help it. And I'm not here to please myself, I'm here to please God."

Maybe I AM more stubborn than selfless, but if you're speaking to someone who is obviously counter-cultural by way of being Catholic... putting up straw men about how I COULD have a child if I really wanted to is just insulting and rude. You know how I'm going to answer, and you're just trying to win an argument rather than listen to what I believe and why it matters to me. You're trying to shoot holes in my faith.

What you're really doing is trying to validate your choices and opinions.
By that reasoning, yeah, I could have a ferr@ri if I wanted one... I could steal it and drive it around until I got caught.
Want to live in a spacious, luxury mountain home? You could if you wanted to .... just stake out a nice place and attack the family, lock them in the basement and enjoy the place. You could live there if you WANTED to.

Like I said, maybe I am more stubborn than selfless. Maybe God would be absolutely fine with me having a child to love and raise in the faith. Maybe my holding out for a man who shares my faith and values is purely stubborn and not what God intends for me.
After all, I have plenty of relatives who aren't waiting for marriage for s@x and babie, and God is not striking them down. Maybe my holding out was silly. At least I would have loved someone.

Sometimes I picture myself arriving at the pearly gates and God and Saint Peter just shake their heads, sadly. "Oh TRS, you could have had so much more. We admire your fight, but you were fighting the wrong battle."

7 Quick Takes #4

Linking up with Jen at Conversion Diary again!

(I don't know why my formatting gets so weird) 


--- 1 ---

You know when you find yourself bored with work, undervalued and under-appreciated and you're justthisclose to think about really, seriously quitting? 

And then you come back to work from a few days off and your door code doesn't work and for a moment you think, "Gee, I hope I'm not fired!"

Thankfully you learn that it's not you... it was the coworker who was just difficult enough to get along with that their existence makes work that much harder! Then after a week or so, you realize work without them in the mix is SOMUCHBETTER! Yay. 

That happened to me last week. 

Suddenly, my job is more enjoyable again, my ideas are considered and valuable, and my reliability is reinforced.

Yes, I'm saying sometimes the best thing that can happen is someone else getting fired. Sorry for them. I've been unemployed, I know how rough it is. She's married though, she'll survive, there are two of them to earn a living. 

I suppose I may get pounced on for that, but let me explain. I've been through layoffs. I've gone years at a time unemployed or underemployed, not for lack of trying or talent. 

When layoffs were announced, I always thought, it would only be fair if they lay off the married people and not the single people. It's much easier for one of two people to find work than for one of one people to find work.  That's just odds talking people! 

I mean, a single person can only take one full time job And you can only work so many part-time jobs at once. (Actually I know from experience, the limit is two. I tried having three part-time jobs at one time... scheduling is a nightmare!) Two people can have a total of four part-time jobs!  

--- 2 ---

Funny thing during Thursday's workout, our trainer started us out on the rowing machines - which are not my favorite. I don't know how to pass the time on those. I don't have that kind of drive and motivation that makes me want to excel and row really hard and really fast. What?

I end up counting my rows - but the automatic display shows how many meters you're "moving" - so then I'm counting, but the numbers in front of me don't match up to my counting... and that could make my head explode! 

How am I supposed to get through this?!?  Suddenly it came to me, why not pray the Rosary? Guess what, it worked! I'd take a stroke, "Hail Mary, full of Grace." release back in, "The Lord is with Thee." take another stroke, "Blessed art Thou among women." release back in, "and blessed it the fruit of Thy womb," stroke, "Jesus." 

Hmmm. 1000 Meters = two decades. 
Ten mysteries would be quite a workout!


--- 3 ---

More good news... this time in the grooming department. I have the puniest, most pathetic eyelashes you have ever seen. No mascara has ever really made a difference, because separating and defining short, puny, sparse lashes only makes them blacker, separated, but still sparse. 

Well, one day the mascara wand sort of skewed to the side and WHOA! All my few lashes were swiped to one side and look at that... it looks like more lashes! 

(I tried to draw an illustration for you but it was very very bad. So you can be thankful I didn't share!)
Amazing! How many years of mascara application did it take to figure this out? I hate to think about it and I'm not doing the math. 

So. Free tip for you. 

Then I went to a makeup counter for some new eyeshadows and shared my discovery with the gals there... and they were all, uh huh yeah. 

Wait! You knew this and no one told me?  Oh come on! 

--- 4 ---

Saw this hilarious video of protesting sheep on Jimmy Kimmel and he made the comment that this guy could run for office! 

I thought, "Gee, that looks like one particular political party to me!" 

Then the next morning, I was listening to my iCatholic Radio App which had a short commentary about references to sheep in the bible. Explaining that sheep know their shepherd's voice. They are not responding to words, nor to their name - only that they recognize the shepherds voice. 

Even being a farm and ranch kid, I never realized that. They know and heed his voice. It's so poignant, but it also reminds us, be careful who your leaders are. 

--- 5 ---

What I love most about the bloggy world is the great sense of community. 

I'm coming across more singles blogs these days - which is an answer to prayer. You can just feel so alone sometimes, with everyone blogging about back to school for their kids, about their homes and back yards, their husbands and vacations. 

This week I found Proverbial Girlfriend who also led me to a group of bloggers joined together for the Not Alone series. (whose origin I cannot find - but I know that I first found the Not Alone Series in Jen's 7QT to begin with, so maybe most of you already know about it.) That should be an ample selection of great, faith filled single girl bloggers. 

There are so many to select from, I could morph into my iPad if I didn't tell myself to go out and socialize! 

Let me know who you have found that speaks to you. Share your favorite singles bloggers and posts in my comments! 

--- 6 ---

On the other side of that (That being faithful single bloggers) - notes from the secular world!  I met up with some girlfriends the other night, and there are always some new ladies joining the group. I've noticed that the women associated with one woman in particular (who I've decided not to socialize with) seem to have the opposite attitude about s@x and dating as me. 

One woman who is almost 40 (I'm passed 40 myself) felt compelled to share the details of a one night stand she had with a hook up she met the very night she took him home. TO HER HOME! 

The more she said, the more I winced and covered my face! 

Now, I'm a loud, sarcastic girl - so when my friends see ME covering up in embarrassment, they KNOW I'm uncomfortable. It seemed no one knew how to shut her up! And I can't imagine anyone else was interested in these details. (who wants to hear about anyone else's s@x life?!!) I suspect she was trying to justify her behavior and get some kind of validation that she's normal and okay. 

I managed to stop myself, because my sarcastic side was about to say, "I've always wondered what kind of women do those types of things. I always thought it was fictional writing for TV and movies, but I guess there really are women like that. Thanks for opening my eyes. Now I see why so many men aren't looking for wives."  But I don't suppose that would have been gracious or charitable.  

On the other hand, it might have started a dialogue. 

But I can't imagine a soon to be 40 woman, engaging in that type of behavior is looking to change her ways in that department.

Ugh. Anyone know of a way to handle that kind of situation? Should I just get up and leave? Go hide in the bathroom?

--- 7 ---

Ending on a lighter note... Has anyone else noticed that selection at The G@P is rather bland lately? I tend to head straight to the clearance section, and all I find lately is button down shirts, and striped t-shirts. (not the cute striped t-shirts either) Oh well, I guess it helps me not spend money. 

Thankfully though, we finally have an H & M, which has a much more charming selection. I haven't figured out their clearance section process yet - but I will. 

Has anyone else had good luck there? What do you prefer? I do most of my shopping at TJMaxx. 




For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Pray. Relax.

Looking back over my archive of posts, I found more than one past entry in which I declared, "That's it. I'm done! I give up on finding a husband!"

I laugh because each time, I recall being so horribly frustrated and weary in my years of waiting, but even I wasn't entirely convinced by my conviction. The ugly truth is that rather than handing my heart over to God and saying, "Thy will be done." - it's more like a bitter, "FINE, God! It's obvious that You have no plans to give me the gifts you grace upon other, somehow more deserving women. So I'll try to accept that." Mumble, grumble. 

Oh yeah, that's really what Mary would say, hmm? 

Right now, I must admit that I'm not entirely free from bitterness, but I am getting closer to, "If it is Your will, God - I'll wait for the call."
That's me trying to chill out.

I think a couple of things have influenced this. One and two are the last two guys I dated.

One who really saw my heart. He said himself that what drew him to me was seeing that I had the purest heart of anyone he's ever met. That's quite a compliment, and knowing my own heart intimately, I worry about what sort of people he's been around. (I'm partially kidding, but that's not entirely fair to me either - in the past few years I've been told, randomly by several people that just being in my presence makes them feel peaceful and recharged. One described it as being able to just rest.  It took several people saying it for me to realize it must be so - and that is obviously a gift of the Holy Spirit.)
Anyway, that guy really thought he was in love with me and he treated me like every woman hopes to be treated.  It was difficult for me to realize that I just didn't feel the same way about him. That sort of realization is excruciating, because when you're finally treated the way you've prayed about, and it still doesn't feel right, you really start to wonder whether or not you're made for love.

Ultimately, I thought "Well, know I know how Mr. Burns felt when we dated." There is a cross to knowing you're with someone wonderful and faithful but still not for you. Oh, and wondering what to do about it. Sigh.
Penultimately, I realized that I had to let this other guy go, so he could find someone who would really appreciate him. I think both people in a relationship/ marriage should think that they are the lucky one - and he deserves someone who will feel like she won the lottery when she met him. 

This taught me, in a new way that the right one is worth waiting for. Settling is settling, even if it's wonderful man, but your heart is not in it. Now I know that the right man will see my heart, and appreciate all that is in it.

Two, is the guy who seemed like everything would fit together - Catholic, Annulled, an adult child, and  his being open to more children... followed by great dates, laughs, chemistry and what seemed like a solid connection... then POOF! He admitted that I possessed every quality he was looking for in a woman, but that he was going to pass.

What a blow. But that experience taught me that I am so not in control. Nothing I can do, ever do, will bring my husband to me. Only God can do that. 

The third thing was the dream I had, in which I met my husband and my heart felt rest.
Because of that I believe God really does have a holy spouse in mind for me, and He will bring him when it is time.

That has made my heart relax a bit. I'm not looking. I meaning I'm always "looking" but I'm not looking. I'm making sure I get out to socialize more. I've joined some meetup groups to make sure that I both get out, and expand my social circle, because my social circles are very secular right now.  There's still no assurance I'm meeting faithful people, but who knows who they might know? 

I am also reminded that as much as we want certain life experiences, or stages of life...  getting married, having babies, having grandchildren....  in this earthly life we'll never stop praying for more. A stronger marriage, a healthy child, a reliable car....

One of my dear friends was so weary of her single life, she cried almost every day for a very long time. She also dealt with some tough symptoms of endometriosis and feared that she wouldn't be able to have children if she ever did get married.
Then she was engaged twice! Thankfully the first one didn't work out - he was so wrong for her (quite similar to my examples above for me - this is close enough, maybe I should make it work, kind of situation). The second is her wonderful husband, and they now have two beautiful babies.
But now, she is consumed by wanting their own house, to such a degree that she feels her prayers aren't being answered - all she wants is a house!
Today I told her, you sound like you did when you were praying for a husband and for fertility! You have everything you've prayed for, it is amazing. Relax, the house will come at the right time too.

That's all we can hope for. 

7 Quick Takes - #3

Obviously, I didn't get a regular post in this week. I tend to get several ideas swimming in my head but no time to commit those ideas to writing. 

So here's another 7QT - Thanks Jen for hosting! 


--- 1 ---

A residual effect of my trip home to the family ranch is some crazy sore hamstrings. What the? 

I've been working out the past few months, at the office gym. With a trainer one day a week and with Jillian Michaels Ripped in 30 the rest of the time. I've never had sore hammies before, so imagine my shock! 

I do have the tightest hamstrings in the world - so I think there's a chance they finally decided to loosen up after all my hard work. 

But another side of me thinks it's from a nice long walk in the pastures. 

Before I left, I walked out to see the colts (nothing like baby horses to love on!!!) then I walked about 2/3rds a mile to another pasture to pick some wildflowers. The grass was so tall, (just look where it comes up to on the horses!) I had to take big, reaching steps - and that's the only thing I can think that stretched my hammies so much. Oh well, I guess I'll take it! 



--- 2 ---

I'm so excited about a new grocery store in my neighborhood. There's a new Spr*uts a lot closer to my home than any other grocery store... and I love Spr*uts! 

I don't do all my grocery shopping there, but I really love much of what they offer. Now I don't have to drive what I consider "out of my way" in every possible direction to pick up a little something.

And in a few more months we get a Tr@der J*e's opening within walking distance of my home!  Walking distance people! SO excited. 

I hate grocery shopping with a passion, so anything that makes it easier is a blessing. Imagine, conveniently buying and eating produce without worrying it'll go bad before I get around to making a meal! 


--- 3 ---

I've been trying to up my fruit and vegetable intake. I even have a log book to track it. The goal is five servings a day - and as many colors as possible so I've been enjoying plums and nectarines. I think I prefer plums. They can be so sweet, and I think they have the best texture of all fruits. 






--- 4 ---

Speaking of fruit - am I the only one this fickle about bananas? They need to be perfectly yellow, not because I'm picky - but because too green is a certain kind of acidic that I don't like - and any degree of brown is another kind of acidic that really bothers my throat.  I was explaining this to my mom, and of course it just sounds like I'm fussy. But I really don't believe in eating food that wants to hurt me. 

Oddly, at the Starbucks near work they consistently have bananas that are simultaneously green and brown spotted! How is that possible?!



--- 5 ---

A recent past/passed boyfriend found me on a dating site. He texted me about it. We're friendly, but not overly so. He seemed to think it was quite remarkable (obviously he's new to this) And pointed out that we were a 100% match. 

Sigh. I couldn't bear to tell him how many 100% matches I've encountered that are not matches at all.  Poor thing. He doesn't know what he's in for. He's a super nice guy, but very inexperienced in dating after his divorce.  (Post-Divorce Dating could be a whole other post!) 

I'm not active on any sites, but my profile is still up on a few of them. sometimes I think if I ever met someone significant... I wouldn't even know how to delete the profiles!!

Double sigh. If you're married and never had to online date... get on your knees right now and thank God. And while you're down there, pray for single adults! Please.


--- 6 ---

I like being Go-To, Miss Reliable. It was pretty short notice, when a friend asked if I could watch her two kiddos while she went to an orientation meeting at their school. We made it work, and it was fun to watch them climb at the park and yell, "Miss T, watch this!" when they did something tricky. I would applaud a daring jump or leap and the little one would run to me for a hug because she was feeling so successful!

The older kiddo is more challenging. She loves to test boundaries. Every slight offense on her person is considered egregious... even someone accidentally bumping her as they share an apparatus brings on crocodile tears. For the Love!

At one point I was getting the little one down from the counter in a public restroom, and her shoe struck the other girl's finger in the process and OH.THE.INJUSTICE! 

Tattling voice ensued... ohmyshekickedmyfingerwhaaaaaa! 

And I'm all, with equal parts sarcasm, detachment, and just enough concern: Really, does it hurt? Is it bleeding? Is it broken? Was it on purpose?  

No, no, no, and no. 

Well then, I suppose we're about done worrying about it. 

Felt pretty good when the other women in the restroom smiled at my tactic, and laughed when kiddo realized she had to shrug it off. 

--- 7 ---

On TV - I'm really loving Hollywood Game Night.  Hosted by actress Jane Lynch, who is quite a talented host - and two rotating couches of guest celebrities (and a commoner contestant on each team). It's pretty entertaining in the way that television was entertaining when I was young... in the days of Johnny Carson and Carol Burnett. Not quite that good, but this is pretty wholesome and family friendly for TV these days. 

One of my favorite games is Celebrity Fusion - where they merge two celebrity faces, who share one name... and give a hint like "Do you really want to hurt the sexiest man alive" which was of course Boy George and George Clooney. (not pretty) 

I'd love to figure out how to duplicate the games and have game night at my house. It could be a riot. 

Speaking of... I found a link to a review (up there) for the show and I must say that's a thorough review. I guess I recommend that too! 


For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

7 Quick Takes - #2

Well that was fun... let's try it again! This really is good for me, because I tend to write long posts - even my Quick Takes aren't so quick - but I like being able to share several ideas!

--- 1 ---

This weekend is the 20th Anniversary of Pope John Paul II's visit to Denver for World Youth Day - I didn't live here then, I was in college in Nebraska and for some reason WYD wasn't even on my radar then.

Even so, I thought it would be really nice to go to the anniversary reunion events, if only to try to meet more Catholics in this city. I kind of live in a secular world in Denver. I do have Catholic friends, but those that are devout are married with kids, and those that are single seem to be barely Catholic - since it is so hard to live and date in a secular world. (You may have noticed how few single adults you see at Mass! I know. It's like we're invisible.) 

But of course, as is the way whenever there is a great Catholic-centric event, it occurs when I have non-refundable plans to go out of town! Seriously, Catholic Single's Conference? I was out of town. Sheesh the decks are always stacked against me!

--- 2 ---

So today, I take the shuttle bus to the airport, from off-site parking and as it pulls into the Ground Transportation Lane - I notice a swarm of people making their way across from the terminal to the Charter Bus lane. I've never seen so many people seeking ground transportation at the same time, and being the blabby person that I am, I make that observation aloud to others on the bus. (there were only like six of us.) 

Then I realized they were all headed to a couple charter buses and that it was probably a group tour or convention or something. Denver's all about that kind of stuff.
My next observation was also made aloud, "Oh look at that, they're all men. Of course, because I'm not going to be in town!" A couple ladies laughed at that. One said, "Well maybe you need to change your plans." "Oh no," I replied, "They're probably all married or gay." more chuckles.

Now, you should know that I tend to speak and think simultaneously. In fact, I think I'm especially gifted in that I often learn what I'm thinking by hearing it come out of my mouth! So the next thing that falls out of my mouth sounds like this, "With my luck, it's probably an Atheist's Convention." then for a second I thought, I might be talking to Atheists right here on the bus and I'm going to stir a hornet's nest! So I quickly added, "Because they're not for me either!" as if that would soften the blow!
To my relief, the woman next to me burst into a wide smile and laughed with her eyes, so I knew I had at least one comrade on the bus!

--- 3 ---

I'm visiting my family by the way. Staying with Mom for a few days and catching up with my brother, his wife, and the nieces and nephews -- and other relatives too.

 It's a shame all these people don't live at the beach. But Nebraska farm and ranch land is inviting and beautiful in it's own way. It's the rows and rows of deeply hued, emerald green corn in the fields. Nothing prettier on earth if you ask me.

--- 4 ---

It took me a whole week but I finally acted on my theory about my car stereo remote. I changed the battery and SUCCESS! Yeah, it took me a week because I can never remember to take the remote out of the car and up three flights of steps to my condo where the batteries are!

On one hand I feel a little stupid that it took me three weeks to realize that it wasn't the heat affecting the volume buttons. On the other hand, I realize if I had a husband, he would have shot down my theory in one conversation! My solace is in knowing that it probably would have taken three weeks to get the battery changed either way!

--- 5 ---

I was at my mom's house for twenty minutes before my nephew challenged me to an arm wrestling match. It was no contest, he whooped me AND GOOD. In no time flat. But he's nearly 15, tosses hay bales and ropes cattle so I think that's fair.

--- 6 ---

To redeem myself, I challenged aforementioned nephew to an endurance test. Plank position until fatigue induced failure! I take full responsibility for not instructing him properly.

I had no idea he was unfamiliar with Plank Position. He has a lot to learn! He had his arms way out in front of him instead of directly below his shoulders... and his feet only a foot-width apart instead of shoulder width. I doubt if that actually makes it easier, but he was hanging in with no problem while my muscles were flinching. I disqualified him. Then withstood the mocking.

--- 7 ---

My favorite snacking treat was waiting on Mom's kitchen counter when I arrived. It was a happy accident, because I didn't even try to describe Chocolate Covered Acai with Blueberries when she called to ask what kind of food I desired as she prepared for my visit. So this was a great surprise. They are so yummy. Please let me know if you can make a bag last for more than a day and a half! Because I cannot!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Home is Where the Heart Is

About a year after my dad asked me if I had thought about buying a home... (this was the height of everyone buying everything, and home mortgages were a dime a dozen)  ...and I said no, no way, nada ... about a year after that, I thought maybe I should buy a home. Dad was sneaky like that, making suggestions without really even suggesting anything. 

I was living in about 400 square feet and realized I could get more square footage with a mortgage than I could paying rent.

I found a realtor and looked at a few places. Some were okay, they didn't feel like home. More often than not I would drive by a really cute place with a for sale sign, call my realtor with the address and he would say, "It's not in your price range." after a week or two of this he changed it to, "TRS, you have great taste. Champagne taste and a beer budget!" Oh the laughs.

Then I spotted a place that looked cute and was in my price range, and arranged for the realtor to show me. When I walked in, I immediately liked the layout, and it was filled with beautiful sunlight. The hardwood floors were just refinished, textured plaster walls, coved ceilings... I could see myself living there - and not just for the length of a lease but as home.

I stood against the far living room wall and realized I wanted to live there.
I had hoped for a second bedroom, maybe a dining room separate from the living room, and a balcony... but having seen other places and prices I knew this fit me even if it didn't have everything I was looking for.

Suddenly, I realized I had to make a decision. I turned to the realtor and said, "Oh crap. Now I have to make an offer!"

Well duh. You're looking for a home and you found it. It's commitment time. ( I only looked at five places and I bought the fourth one I saw! Geeze, I wish dating would work like that!) 

I remember thinking it was similar to what some of my friends told me when I asked how they knew the man they were planning to marry was the right guy. Or at least choosing the wedding gown. How do you know?  And of course the answer was always, "When you know, you know."
Oh the annoying.

And I certainly knew about my condo. I could make a commitment.
Sure, now almost ten years later I have some frustrations, some tough times. I need to make some repairs. I'm having problems that other people in my building aren't having, and it doesn't seem fair. Oh the challenges.

On the other hand, I also finally have it decorated the way I want. The right furniture, the right feel. We've really settled in well together.  Oh the joy.

Needle scratches on record. Topic change.Sorta. 

And now that is how I see the men I date. Only opposite.
I've said before that it's not uncommon for the men I date to tell me that I'm everything they've been looking for in a woman - but they're going to pass.

I guess they're not ready to take the plunge. I'm not even talking about marriage... just commit to dating!!
I find it so strange. If you've found what you're looking for... grab it... hold onto it! Make it yours!
Why wouldn't you?

Something about men today is preventing them from the Carpe Diem.
I don't know if they don't have the guts, or if they're dealing with fear.

But I get it, a little bit. When I found my condo, I was kind of surprised that I had to make a commitment. Even though that's what I was looking to do!  It was overwhelming.  This was all so sudden!
So men, I suppose, are thinking, "Wow, this is everything I've been looking for.... what the heck am I supposed to do now? Commit? Argghhhhh. I... I .... I can't. Must run!"

When I was introduced to my condo, I didn't want to think about NOT making it mine. I wanted it to be mine. Even if it was a little scary. It was completely uncharted territory for me. I didn't have my parents help me, they didn't even see it until months later. But in order to make this home MY HOME, I had to do it.

I'm willing to do that with a man. If only I could find one who was brave enough to take the plunge!
Maybe they're holding out for a balcony. Or a dining room.  Or a dishwasher. Who knows! I really don't think I'm out of their price range. hmm.
Maybe I am everything they're looking for - but I just don't feel like home.

In which case I would suggest dating me for a month or so to be sure. After all, I had to go through the mortgage process for three months before the deal was sealed! It wasn't instant. There's far less risk in dating for three months than committing to buying a home, for Pete's sake.
Dating, engagement and marriage is a much lengthier, and less fun process!

7 Quick Takes

I'm linking up with Jen @ Conversion Diary for 7 Quick Takes. I've wanted to join for some time now, but felt I wasn't blogging frequently enough to bother with it. But the more I read Catholic Mommy Blogs, the more I think they really need to be exposed to singles blogs. We need to pray for each other! Singles in the Church really, truly need prayer. I think regular readers here would agree. I'm hoping to convince all the happy mommies. Okay, here goes nothing!

--- 1 ---

Last weekend I finally got my tooshie out for a hike. It's one of my favorite things to do, but I end up never going hiking because there's no one to go with me. Then I have thoughts of Aron Ralston, or venomous rattle snakes... and it just doesn't seem safe to go alone. So I called one of my besties to let her and her hubby know that I was going hiking, and that I would call them when I was back down. Then I had the most beautiful hike on my favorite trail. Sweaty, dirty and worn out is one of my favorite things. Right after laughter through tears.
This is my view on the hike. Yeah, I live in Colorado. Don't everyone move here at once!

--- 2 ---

Well, that didn't last long! At the beginning of this week I had the most beautiful dream in which I met my husband. Now it's Friday and all the sweet, peaceful feelings have worn off. I wrote about how the most significant part of the dream was feeling my heart have a chance to rest. Each night since, I have lied in bed trying to morph back to that peaceful feeling - it does not come. Now, I just wish I could dream that dream once a week, or once a month just so my heart can rest for ten or twelve minutes.
Oddly, I wasn't really aware of the anxiety in my heart until I was in that dream and experienced, for the first time in 20 years what it was like to have a heart at rest. For the first two days after my dream, I felt it might be really possible to find my husband. Now five days later it seems like a crazy pipe dream once again. If I never, ever meet him, I pray that God would just allow me to enjoy that dream every so often in my old age.

--- 3 ---

My car has a miracle stereo system that has been trying my patience! When I bought the car, used, from some Cr@igsl!st dude, he included this tricked out stereo complete with remote control!

Last month the volume knob (which is also the auxiliary switch) just sort of jumped out of it's groove and is now very tricky to manipulate. Luckily, I have the remote control to resort to - but the volume controls there seem to be fussy - and it seems like the heat of the day is a factor. The hotter the inside of the car, the more likely the remote buttons don't work. This has confounded me until yesterday when I realized - um - maybe after five years, the battery needs to be replaced! Yeah, that makes a lot more sense than my heat theory.
I suspect I'm right.
I haven't bothered to replace the Very Special Battery just yet. But I think I get points for finally figuring it out!

--- 4 ---

I'm a summer birthday girl... and this year, for my own birthday I decided that I'm going to go to Italy in two years. It's something I've been putting off because 1) I always thought I'd go there for my honeymoon, but we all know that's not happening! 2) I never seem to be able to save that kind of money. I often joke that I never get to spend my money on what I've saved it for. Instead it ends up going to a car repair or some other emergency.
So anyway, I've decided that once I pay off a few bills I'm going to save every dollar, penny and dime so I can go to Italy for my Birthday in 2015! Shortly after this decision I found the most wonderful, comfortable pair of summer shoes, thinking, "These will be so great to wear to walk around Rome!" Yeah, I get ahead of myself sometimes. Well, I've been wearing those shoes with everything and noticed this week that the heel is going to be worn through before the end of next summer, never mind 2015. Normally, that wouldn't concern me because I have the best cobbler in three states, and I would just have him replace the heel... but of course, this particular shoe has the kind of sole where you can't just replace the heel. I guess I'll run it by him anyway, and see what he can do. But oh well!
Must start living in the present and not for the future!

--- 5 ---

I've recently discovered a couple new-to-me blogs aimed at single Catholic women. They're impressively good, for the fact that they don't only address singleness from a 20-something perspective. Because that would be shortsighted. Both writers have a wonderful ability to address the concerns of single women in their 30s and even into 40s (where I am. Sigh.) Allow me to recommend The Veil of Chastity and Seraphic Singles. I hope you find wisdom and comfort in their words as I have!
They both are married, having found their wonderful husbands later in life - but they do each have a heart for singles and haven't forgotten the agony of being kept in the waiting.

--- 6 ---

I'm pretty lucky that I work for a company that puts focus on personal wellness. We have a gym on site, and they're paying for a trainer to work us out in groups. It sounds a bit extravagant until you recognize that their money is better spent keeping employees healthy, rather than paying toward surgeries and treatments for employees who aren't healthy.
So, our trainer did one-on-one sessions with each of us to help identify more ways to improve our health. In addition to my workouts (I am already so much stronger!! My tummy is flatter too... yay!) she suggested that I get out for hikes once a week, (done) yoga once a week... and to get a solid eight hours of sleep each night... always a challenge for me since I'm a night owl who still has to work in the morning. Using my Andriod sleep app, I'm up to about 7.5 hours... but it never seems to be enough. Sigh.

--- 7 ---

Uh -- seven... let's see. Well, staying up late to write this I'm catching the Jimmy Kimmel show and a beautiful, rockin' Joan Jett belting out Bad Reputation! Yes, I am showing my age just knowing who Joan Jett is when I'm guessing most of you do not... I'm just saying it was probably worth staying up!!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

In My Dreams

Since the whole, "You're everything I'm looking for in a woman, but I'll pass." fiasco, it's been easier to abandon the whole idea of ever, ever meeting my husband.

I mean, if I meet All. The. Criteria. and still end up alone, well then, it's totally out of my hands.  Okay God, it's on You!

Really. Thinking it through, if I hope to find a Catholic man, at this age he is likely to be divorced, and so he must have an annulment before I could marry him. Even if I'm not strictly looking for a Catholic man, then a Christian man who would be able to get an annulment. So you see, the pool is very narrow.  It's just looking impossible. It's not up to me at all.

Makes it easier to release it.
It's miracle time. And miracles aren't up to me.
I'm feeling less frustrated and more, "Hey God, this isn't MY problem. This is on You. You know where to find me. Let me know where to be."

I was talking about this with a friend last night. One of those rare friends who, now married three years with two babies, but who still remembers the pain of being single when you know your vocation is marriage... I told her and her husband that I'm out, I'll be waiting on the miracle and they agree.

Then, in the early morning hours -- I saw him. I dreamt I met my husband.
It almost seems silly now - but it was the type of dream that feels more like a message than a dream.
There were just enough symbols of recognition, points to pay attention to...  something that made my heart feel at ease.  Very close to what I've felt when I've met someone who I connected with, and see potential... but with this extra feeling of peace.

That's it, it was the feeling of peace. Who knows, my husband may not look like this guy, or sound like this guy, or have the particular qualities that were pointed out to me in my dream... but I believe I'll know him when I recognize that sense of peace.

Oh, what life could be like if my heart could just relax in love.
It was such a beautiful feeling.
When your heart aches every day for twenty years, you simply don't remember what it feels like at peace. My heart needed the break! Twelve minutes of peace after all these years...If I could just have twelve minutes more.

A Horrible, Miserable Person

Funny thing about hitting middle age, never married, and shockingly, somehow no surprise babies... if you dwell on it long enough, one might conclude the only way to get there is to be some horrible, miserable person. Someone so unappealing, with no redeeming qualities that would make it quite obvious why no one would devote his life to you.

It's one thing to feel undeserving of babies, quite another to be undeserving of love.

But then again, God doesn't award points on a merit system. Grace and gifts are not earned. Some people are just really lucky to find love, and others less so.

I found a comment in my spam folder, for my last post. Some blogless blogger (only has a blog ID to leave comments for others, not a blogger themselves) suggests that I should look at myself, to understand why I'm in the position I'm in.
As if a woman who has dated as much as I have, and been alive as long as I have, hasn't thought of that! As if there isn't a night that I climb into my empty bed and wonder what I've failed to do in my life up to this point.

Like I haven't asked all my friends and a few strangers what I'm doing wrong?

Yes, I recently dated someone who was crazy about me. He treated me like a queen and wanted nothing more than to make me happy. Is there something wrong with me that I just didn't feel the same for him? There were differences in our faith. There were differences in our entire lives! He had his three kids, and as much as he wanted to make me happy, was not willing or able to have another, so that I could experience motherhood. Even so, that wasn't the end game... but there were enough differences to point to the end.  Does that make me a horrible person? Undeserving of love?

It bugs me enough to wonder if I turned down the one man on earth who would love me.  But I don't miss him. Sure I think about him, because I grew to care about him, and his kids to some degree. I don't miss the idea of a life with him. So that's a sign I think.

I ponder daily, why this is my plight. To desire love but never find it.
Sometimes I think my placement on this earth was a mistake. Being adopted, it's likely I was one convincing argument away from being aborted. Considering the abundance of fatal food allergies I deal with... and the fact that I recently survived an eerant crustacean in my meal after several injections of life saving serums, it seems God is keeping me alive for a reason.

It is, though, incredibly hard to believe that my life will include a loving husband - forget about children at this point!

And there's something about the way our culture brought us up. Led to believe if we were reasonably pretty, thin and healthy, faithful to God and family, kind and helpful to other people, and not a crazy @$$ b!tch... that someone would appreciate us, love us and want to grow old caring for each other.
On my worst days, I look around and see fat, ugly people with husbands and children. And they're mean too! I know, I've worked in a children's portrait studio, I've met the people who should never have children - but they have them!

I know that's not charitable thinking... but then neither are the thoughts in my spam folder.

Yes, I have considered my actions in life that brought me where I am today. Yes, I've sought counsel to pull out of my own thoughts and consider an unbiased opinion. The result? A priest offered that some men are just jerks.... and a professional offered that its not me, it's the men.

I'm not a horrible, miserable person undeserving of love. I dare say I'm not hard to love either. Just unappreciated. But I am here for a reason. I'm getting an emergency room bill in the mail soon to prove it.

Like No Other

It came like an epiphany. Though, once I had time to mull it over, it's something I've known all along - or at least suspected.

A co-worker, hearing the latest of my adventures in dating, said, "Your dating life is like no one else I know."

What do you mean? 

You always date these good guys - you don't do anything wrong - but it always ends in such a strange way.  

You mean how they tell me how great I am, that I meet all their criteria, but, "No thanks"?  

Yes. Exactly. 

That doesn't happen to other people you know? 

No one. 

So you're saying, other people just meet someone they match with and it works out? 

Yeah. 

Or it obviously doesn't.

She nods.

Yep. That's the story of my life alright!

I'm not dating guys who are all wrong for me. No one abusive, or out of my league or whatever.

I'm not going pshyco-b!tch on them.

Everything is great until they say, "No thanks."  Not in those words, but ultimately, that's it.

Even better, they tell me how I'm everything they're looking for - but they're willing to pass it up.

So strange.

It makes me think that God really wants me to be alone for some reason that He won't reveal to me. No matter how much I ask. No matter how much I beg through prayer to be relieved of the desire for a husband.

This is the first thing I'll ask God when I see Him face-to-face. Why? For what purpose?


For anyone questioning my motives - why don't I just quit dating? I have. I don't pursue. But when I agree with God that clearly, He wants me to be alone... whether it's for now, or forever... I can only be obedient if I acknowledge that I'll accept the man he brings me - either the one I trip over or the one who trips over me (Why do I have a feeling it's going to be messy?)
As I did in my youth, I will go out with whomever asks me. If someone wants to date me, I feel I am obedient to God to go spend time with him.
As another friend recently pointed out, I'm rarely lacking for dates. Just husbands.
I guess I'm attractive enough, friendly enough, charming enough to attract men. And apparently to stun them into retreat! 

One Hour Photo

It's not very often that, as a single woman, you meet someone who seems to be just what you've been looking for.
Someone with a strong faith life, a strong work ethic and who is fun to spend time with, to laugh with... who you're also attracted to.  Wait. What? That happens?

I embarked on a blissful few weeks of dating... with a gentleman who is indeed all gentleman, opening doors, planning great dates, making me all smiley and happy. And oh, the laughter!

We had plans for Saturday, after he got back from an errand in a neighboring town, and after I had a massage appointment. I was with friends at a farmers market, when he texted asking if we could meet any earlier than our planned 5:00. I needed a shower after my 1:30 massage and I didn't see that I could be ready before 4:00. My friend thought it was so sweet that he wanted to see me sooner. Aww.
We ended up having a great date that night. Learning more about each other and laughing together.

Then, after our Saturday date, I had a bad vibe on Sunday when he didn't text me his usual greeting. By the end of work on Monday, he still hadn't followed up... and my bad vibe got worse when someone asked me how it was going with him. I thought I just had to guard my heart a bit rather than allow myself to get too excited.  ( good tips from The Veil of Chastity)

Then that night he emailed me, saying how much he enjoyed getting to know me, how I was clearly a smart, faithful, beautiful Catholic woman, just as he's been looking for...  He even said he doesn't find a single fault in me. But that he prayed in adoration, and it was revealed to him that we should not pursue a relationship together.

Seriously? You get answers just like that? As if God runs One Hour Photo? I don't know about anyone else, but God doesn't answer my prayers instantaneously. At best, I see His answers in hindsight. I think most of us do.

Dear sir, I think you're putting your own fears on God, because you're too scared of the answers. Too scared to really put your heart out there and see what happens.

And an email? That's no better than a post-it note! And I thought you were a gentleman.

Funny thing is, when I think about it, for that hour after work when I felt the lack of confidence about what I thought he felt... I'm quite certain that was the hour he was in adoration.
And it took him the rest of the evening to compose that email. He said himself, he labored over making sense of what he had to say. No wonder... When in the same breath you say how I'm everything you're looking for, but you're going to pass.

I don't know, but a woman would never do that. A woman would see the gift and ask God for support. Because God doesn't run one hour photo!

Leave 'em Wanting More

I'm usually the last one to leave a party. I don't know if its because I'm a night owl in the first place, or because I'm happy to help clean up... Probably because I just keep talking.

At least I know this is my weakness, and a sometimes undesired trait.
When I started dating Mr. Burns, at the point that we started hanging out at his house, I told him that I have a tendency to overstay my welcome. Warning him that he may have to say, "Okay, time for you to go home!" And in fact, he soon realized he had to, and was glad he had permission to do so.

Yes, I know the theory that you should always leave them wanting more - rather than wishing you would leave already. But as it turns out, I always seem to be on the other side of that fine line.

I had a date this weekend, and after dinner we went for a walk nearby. It was somewhat circular, and so had a prescribed end. We walked and talked and I felt like it was all going too fast. I wasn't sure if one of us was setting the tempo, or if there was a deadline I was unaware of....
Then he drove me back to my car, where he stopped in the middle of the street, got out and opened my door to let me out. He hugged me, asked for a kiss, asked if we could go out again.... SOON!
It all felt so rushed! There were cars waiting behind us in the street!

I thought, "He's not trying to get rid of me if he's asking for a kiss and another date. Why is it so rushed?"

When I got home, he emailed me saying he felt like we didn't get to talk enough, please let's go out again.
So then I wondered, why did we part at 9:15 if we both wanted to stay together?!?

Then it dawned on me, for the first time probably ever... I left someone wanting more!
Yay me.

Husband Stealer

So the big news today was Angelina Jolie's boobs.
Sorry, that was glib... the news was Jolie's announcement that she opted for a preventative double mastectomy due to the 87% percent likelihood that she might develop deadly breast cancer like her mother before her.

Certainly, that was a brave decision. Particularly for someone who makes her living from her beauty and her figure. It was good of her to share her decision and thought process... and to discuss the kind of support she has to make that tough decision.

This is good for society, to educate women about their options. Rich or poor, you probably have more options than you think. It's good to start the discussion.

Then I was scrolling through my facebook feed and saw a status like this...

"Just in case I couldn't admire her more... Angelina Jolie has a preventative double masectomy.. ♥"

my response:

"I can't admire anyone who cheats and steals husbands."

Admire her? Sure, she adopts children from third world countries... she does volunteer work in those countries, and donates money to great causes, but I have just never gotten passed the fact that she stole someone's husband on a movie set. 

Yeah, she worked closely with Jennifer Anniston's husband, Brad Pitt, on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith - but she knew he was married. She should have kept her hands off. 
I'm not releasing Brad of blame... I'm just saying, it takes two, and when you know he's off the market, you have a responsibility to walk away. 

I'd rather be known for walking off the movie set to avoid temptation, than be known for ignoring the sanctity of anyone's marriage. 

I was thinking about it after I left that comment - I tend to get a little worked up when I share something challenging, afraid I'm starting World War III or something. This is when I think of rebuttals to anyone who might jump down my throat for an opposing viewpoint.

The more I thought about it... I thought, tearing someone's marriage asunder is not much different than making that woman a widow. I mean, there she was, thinking she had a future with the man she loved, and boom, suddenly she has to face life without him! 

As a woman who has been praying for my husband for many, many years, I have a pretty good idea how I would feel if I found him - and then had him ripped away from me! I think dealing with death would be easier because at least it would be God's will. But if someone stole him?!  That's unforgivable.

Then I thought some more.
As a woman who has been single her entire life... do you have any idea how many husbands I could have stolen? 

The only men who have ever been really interested in me, have been married. I could have broken up someone's marriage and lived happily ever after if I'd wanted to. If I were that kind of person.

Someone once asked me how I've reacted to all those married men. Did I flirt with them? chase them? engage their interest?
Nope. Dude. You're married? Get out of here. Shoo.
Yes, you're good looking, yes you're rich... you may even be everything I'm looking for in a man --- except single!  No, I'm not going to entertain the thought. Heck, I'm going to give you a lecture on fidelity! I'm going to remind you of your vows.

Just a few months ago, I told a married flirty what his kids would think of him if he cheated, if he left their mom.  That someone like me wasn't going to date a married man. That if he did leave his wife... ain't no good woman anywhere that would get involved with him, knowing he left his spouse and more than a handful of kids.
He looked insulted. I said, "Yeah, you're a great looking guy, with a great job. Women would be interested. But only a crazy-@$$-B!tch would get involved in that mess. Then one day you'll look around and wonder why you left your wonderful wife and have to deal with crazy-@$$-B!tches all the time!!"
With that, he had to agree.

Yes, I actually want some credit for NOT stealing husbands! Apparently it's acceptable behavior and I'm just a fool for acting honorably.

I dunno, I don't even see what's so attractive about Angelina Jolie. Never did. Yeah, she's pretty, beautiful even. But I don't get what all the fuss is about. I think one's actions speak much louder than one's beauty. She's not beautiful to me.

Beware of Flakes

My sweet neighbor is one of the most beautiful women I know. She wears vintage clothes and quirky hats, owns her own business and is smart, funny... and stuck on her ex for way too long. So when a charming, handsome man walked into her shop one day, she was excited when he asked her out and they started dating earnestly.

Last week I asked her how things were going. They broke up. It was mutual, but he did say that he had so much going on with his business that he couldn't devote the time and commitment that she deserved - to really date and get to know her. Sounds honest and respectful doesn't it?

Yeah, I've heard it too.  More than once.
A couple years ago, a man I met on a dating site gave me that spiel after three or four dates.
At the beginning of this year, I heard it from another guy... big project at work, taking classes toward his masters degree... truthfully, he actually fell off the planet, and I heard this explanation later.

My gut says, all these guys are flakes. Why are you on a dating site if you're not really ready to date? Rule number one in dating, BE AVAILABLE.
In truth, maybe these guys are ready to date, and the whole, "my life is just too busy right now" is the new, "I'll call you".  It's what they say when they don't know how to get out of the situation.

That's flaky. If you're really looking for love in your life, you're not going to let a class or a heavy work load get in the way of building a relationship with someone you think could be your future.
You're just not.
So saying your life just got too busy is a cop out.  It may be true, but the whole truth is you weren't really interested. That's okay. But at a certain age, be man enough to just say that.

The reason I think it's flaky is because this M.O. Is unique to my generation... my age group.
Some of my friends think it's unique to Menver. (That's Denver for the uninitiated. A city in which the male to female ratio is so skewed, that men have no sense of urgency to lock in a mate.)

Flaky.
Yeah. Because in my parent's generation and generations before and after... men were going off to fight wars, but they were getting married the day before they shipped out... or on shore leave.
They weren't waiting for just then right time, or just the right girl. They weren't waiting to finish up a big project (World War II) before they were going to fall in love and make a commitment.

But they also didn't have an endless Internet source funneling eligible women into their inbox either. Tomorrow was immediate. Not some far off future in which anything could happen and an endless supply of potential women to do it with.

But there's another flaky feature to watch out for...

Another friend of mine has just returned to dating after a divorce. She honestly took a couple years to heal, before putting her heart out there, so she's serious about being ready for love.

She called me the other day to get my opinion on what to do about a guy who made tentative plans with her. It was now the evening of the plans, they had settled on the day and the place, but not the time to meet. At this point she was two hours out from a reasonable date start time, and no word from the guy for confirmation. Warning bells sound in my head, but she teases me about being jaded, so I don't say the first thing that popped into my mind... "He's a flake, forget about him. Don't waste your time or energy."

She decides to text him, an hour later, nothing. Then I tell her he's a flake. When a guy doesn't lock in the whole plan in one conversation, he's not going to. He's hesitating. I dunno, maybe they get some kind of kick out of making half- baked plans. Maybe they send a friend to survey the date site and see if the woman turns up.

The first guy who flaked on me that way, turned out to be an ex-convict! I learned quickly.
My point is... just see a flake for what he is. Don't be too hurt. Don't invest any more. No more energy. No more hope. No more time. He's a flake. If he's going to redeem himself, let him do it on his own. It's on him. Not you. Just a little dating advice from someone whose been dating a long time.

Wardrobe Perk-Up

I have been over winter since mid- January.
Yes, officially it's spring and Easter is this weekend, but here in Denver we just got out biggest snowfall of the year, and it stuck! Finally this morning there was more green grass on our lawn than snow. Yay.

It's not the cold that wears me on winter as much as the fact that I get sick of wearing the same clothes! I just want to wear something different and the cheapest way to do that is to change the weather!

I went to Las Vegas the first week of March, wore a swim suit and tank tops and got sweaty. It was awesome! ( yes it was with a guy, no we didn't get married! )

I planned really poorly for the trip. Weather forecasts said it would be 70 degrees - and I guess my mind couldn't wrap around what 70 felt like while I was sitting in 40 degree weather! I thought it would be a bit chilly.
I packed skinny jeans, and cardigans, because I'm cold everywhere! Luckily at the last minute, I tossed a cute summer top into my already too-full bag. I was dying of heat in my skinny jeans, and it was too hot for the fashionable boots I'd packed, expecting to wear them with everything.
I had packed a pair of sweet slip ons... but had no idea that Vegas required so much walking! My feet still haven't recovered. I mean it. I'm in a lot of pain, and realizing that I have to start buying those really expensive, not cute, supportive shoes that don't go with any of my outfits.

Since I've been back though, I made a point to sort my closets. I've purged the things I really am not going to wear, shouldn't wear, and just can't fit into any more. Sigh.
It is an accomplishment though. Now I know what is in my closet, what I'm missing to create better outfits, and most importantly, the inventory is fresh in my mind and I'm reaching for clothes that I haven't worn in months!
That makes the next few months a bit easier as I transition into my spring and summer wardrobes.  Hopefully without having to buy too much new stuff.

The exception is shoes right now. My feet won't tolerate any of the gorgeous, lovely shoes I already own. And the shoes I need, start at twice what I am accustomed to paying for shoes. SIGH.

Oh, and the best BEST part of purging my closet? Giving away some lovely things to my friends. Two of them who have had similar bad luck in the job market as I suffered a couple years ago. It's nice to be able to perk up their wardrobes. New or new to you can go a long way in spring cheer!

Yes We Call Him Father

Admittedly, I was a bit terrified when Pope Benedict IXV announced his abdication of the papacy. Immediately, I wondered what kind of threats the Vatican might be receiving. Then I realized that the Pope would prefer martyrdom to cowardice. Whew. That eliminates that theory.

I think we've all taken the papacy as a "til death do us part" agreement. But that was so before people lived as long as we do now. I certainly think its reasonable to set a precedent now, that our Holy Father not be expected to serve into such old age.

And Wednesday, oh how moved I was when the white smoke in Rome, signaled we had our Pope! Then Pope Francis greeted the crowd with his humble little wave, and asked us for prayer... And he chose to be named after Saint Francis of Assisi! The perfect papa!

We Catholics love him already! Somehow we know this is just the man to lead us at this time in history. Oh how I love my Church! Always true.

What's interesting is, now I'm dating a wonderful Christian man - not Catholic - who questions what I believe about the Church, ( not in a hostile way, just trying to understand) and I don't have sufficient answers for him. Yes, I know what I believe. I know why I believe. But I've believed what I believe for so long, I can't even understand why he questions it.

For example, he asks how we can call someone on earth "father", in contradiction to the bible. I explained that the Pope, our bishops and priests are vicars of Christ, His presence on earth. But that's not enough explanation. I accept it, he doesn't.

Oh, how do we do this? I even work with our RCIA class, and know the truth to share, but it's so rarely enough for someone who is not open to it.
Sigh.

Yes, we call him Father. And it is right and good.
I wish that could be enough.

No One Understands

I find myself in a position that no one can understand.
Yes, sweetly they try, but no one gets it.

I've mentioned before that passed the age of 40, I've come to terms with my diminishing fertility. Sure, it could still happen but I'm not holding my breath. And I'm pretty comfortable knowing that I won't have children. I'm still sad about it sometimes, but normally it's okay.

The man I'm dating now is a father. He has three kids, and if he could choose, he's done. The fact is, he is done, thanks to a decision by his ex wife.
Together, we babysat my friend's toddler one Saturday evening. She was an absolute delight, (she loves her auntie TRS). Afterward, he told me he's worried he's not the guy for me, because I so obviously OUGHT to have children, and he can't give that to me. He wonders if he should bow out, because he thinks I deserve someone who can give me children.

Oh please. I've lived my whole life waiting for someone to have children with... If he hasn't shown up  by now, well yeah, it's a little late.
That ship has sailed. My fertility is in my past. I don't want him to feel he's keeping me from something that's not going to happen anyway.

When I share this with friends they insist I could still get pregnant and have a baby. ( sure it's possible - but not likely- and I have to live with unlikely)
I can adopt, we could foster children. Yes. But that's not the point. I wanted to experience truly being a woman. To experience pregnancy, childbirth, nursing. But now? Would I want to start with an infant at my age? If God wills it, absolutely. But that's not likely. It seems He has made darn certain  that I, TRS will never reproduce. I can't imagine why, but there it is.

No one really understands where I am now. I've accepted that its not likely that I'll have children, and I'm okay with it. A man who wants to give me everything, including something he can never give me, worries that he's not enough for me.  ( I appreciate his frustration)

Sometimes I think everyone who thinks I could still have babies, doesn't realize that those celebrities my age and older who have healthy twins, have had thousands if not millions of dollars of in-vitro (something I'll never do)  not to mention nannies, and no need to work for a living.
They don't realize that if I could have a baby, I'd likely suffer through multiple miscarriages first. How heartbreaking would that be?

I've accepted where I am, and no one understands. Worse, no one wants to accept it with me.

Or, am I beyond being realistic? Am I only seeing the negative? What do you think?

The Sweetest Thing

The best thing just happened.

(Back story first)
I'm seeing a man with kids. I've only met the kids a couple times, and it's still a bit awkward for them to see their dad dating. But I guess they see that he's happy and it must be making an impression.

(now back to the story)
The oldest boy is in high school, and he just got the idea to give a girl a valentine. Did he ask his dad for advice? No. He asked his dad to ask me what he should do.

Ehr muh gawd! This is so exciting! So unbelievably cute. 

He's never asked a girl on a date before, and he wanted to do something special for Valentine's Day. I suggested a single flower with a simple card - no need for elaborate declarations of love... just "Happy Valentine's Day" inscribed, unless he's inspired to put more words to paper. (He's not.) 
For the date? An activity that keeps the teenagers occupied, like a movie or arcade. (Dear Lord, don't make them suffer through a dinner date at that age!) 

I think it's the fact that, not having kids of my own I expect to forever miss out on these kinds of milestones. The sheer fact that he wanted my opinion... not his dad's (or even his mom's)  Oh... it's the sweetest thing.

It's so important to be important to a child. I'm not there yet, and he won't be a child for long... but that was a GREAT feeling!