7 Quick Takes - #2

Well that was fun... let's try it again! This really is good for me, because I tend to write long posts - even my Quick Takes aren't so quick - but I like being able to share several ideas!

--- 1 ---

This weekend is the 20th Anniversary of Pope John Paul II's visit to Denver for World Youth Day - I didn't live here then, I was in college in Nebraska and for some reason WYD wasn't even on my radar then.

Even so, I thought it would be really nice to go to the anniversary reunion events, if only to try to meet more Catholics in this city. I kind of live in a secular world in Denver. I do have Catholic friends, but those that are devout are married with kids, and those that are single seem to be barely Catholic - since it is so hard to live and date in a secular world. (You may have noticed how few single adults you see at Mass! I know. It's like we're invisible.) 

But of course, as is the way whenever there is a great Catholic-centric event, it occurs when I have non-refundable plans to go out of town! Seriously, Catholic Single's Conference? I was out of town. Sheesh the decks are always stacked against me!

--- 2 ---

So today, I take the shuttle bus to the airport, from off-site parking and as it pulls into the Ground Transportation Lane - I notice a swarm of people making their way across from the terminal to the Charter Bus lane. I've never seen so many people seeking ground transportation at the same time, and being the blabby person that I am, I make that observation aloud to others on the bus. (there were only like six of us.) 

Then I realized they were all headed to a couple charter buses and that it was probably a group tour or convention or something. Denver's all about that kind of stuff.
My next observation was also made aloud, "Oh look at that, they're all men. Of course, because I'm not going to be in town!" A couple ladies laughed at that. One said, "Well maybe you need to change your plans." "Oh no," I replied, "They're probably all married or gay." more chuckles.

Now, you should know that I tend to speak and think simultaneously. In fact, I think I'm especially gifted in that I often learn what I'm thinking by hearing it come out of my mouth! So the next thing that falls out of my mouth sounds like this, "With my luck, it's probably an Atheist's Convention." then for a second I thought, I might be talking to Atheists right here on the bus and I'm going to stir a hornet's nest! So I quickly added, "Because they're not for me either!" as if that would soften the blow!
To my relief, the woman next to me burst into a wide smile and laughed with her eyes, so I knew I had at least one comrade on the bus!

--- 3 ---

I'm visiting my family by the way. Staying with Mom for a few days and catching up with my brother, his wife, and the nieces and nephews -- and other relatives too.

 It's a shame all these people don't live at the beach. But Nebraska farm and ranch land is inviting and beautiful in it's own way. It's the rows and rows of deeply hued, emerald green corn in the fields. Nothing prettier on earth if you ask me.

--- 4 ---

It took me a whole week but I finally acted on my theory about my car stereo remote. I changed the battery and SUCCESS! Yeah, it took me a week because I can never remember to take the remote out of the car and up three flights of steps to my condo where the batteries are!

On one hand I feel a little stupid that it took me three weeks to realize that it wasn't the heat affecting the volume buttons. On the other hand, I realize if I had a husband, he would have shot down my theory in one conversation! My solace is in knowing that it probably would have taken three weeks to get the battery changed either way!

--- 5 ---

I was at my mom's house for twenty minutes before my nephew challenged me to an arm wrestling match. It was no contest, he whooped me AND GOOD. In no time flat. But he's nearly 15, tosses hay bales and ropes cattle so I think that's fair.

--- 6 ---

To redeem myself, I challenged aforementioned nephew to an endurance test. Plank position until fatigue induced failure! I take full responsibility for not instructing him properly.

I had no idea he was unfamiliar with Plank Position. He has a lot to learn! He had his arms way out in front of him instead of directly below his shoulders... and his feet only a foot-width apart instead of shoulder width. I doubt if that actually makes it easier, but he was hanging in with no problem while my muscles were flinching. I disqualified him. Then withstood the mocking.

--- 7 ---

My favorite snacking treat was waiting on Mom's kitchen counter when I arrived. It was a happy accident, because I didn't even try to describe Chocolate Covered Acai with Blueberries when she called to ask what kind of food I desired as she prepared for my visit. So this was a great surprise. They are so yummy. Please let me know if you can make a bag last for more than a day and a half! Because I cannot!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Home is Where the Heart Is

About a year after my dad asked me if I had thought about buying a home... (this was the height of everyone buying everything, and home mortgages were a dime a dozen)  ...and I said no, no way, nada ... about a year after that, I thought maybe I should buy a home. Dad was sneaky like that, making suggestions without really even suggesting anything. 

I was living in about 400 square feet and realized I could get more square footage with a mortgage than I could paying rent.

I found a realtor and looked at a few places. Some were okay, they didn't feel like home. More often than not I would drive by a really cute place with a for sale sign, call my realtor with the address and he would say, "It's not in your price range." after a week or two of this he changed it to, "TRS, you have great taste. Champagne taste and a beer budget!" Oh the laughs.

Then I spotted a place that looked cute and was in my price range, and arranged for the realtor to show me. When I walked in, I immediately liked the layout, and it was filled with beautiful sunlight. The hardwood floors were just refinished, textured plaster walls, coved ceilings... I could see myself living there - and not just for the length of a lease but as home.

I stood against the far living room wall and realized I wanted to live there.
I had hoped for a second bedroom, maybe a dining room separate from the living room, and a balcony... but having seen other places and prices I knew this fit me even if it didn't have everything I was looking for.

Suddenly, I realized I had to make a decision. I turned to the realtor and said, "Oh crap. Now I have to make an offer!"

Well duh. You're looking for a home and you found it. It's commitment time. ( I only looked at five places and I bought the fourth one I saw! Geeze, I wish dating would work like that!) 

I remember thinking it was similar to what some of my friends told me when I asked how they knew the man they were planning to marry was the right guy. Or at least choosing the wedding gown. How do you know?  And of course the answer was always, "When you know, you know."
Oh the annoying.

And I certainly knew about my condo. I could make a commitment.
Sure, now almost ten years later I have some frustrations, some tough times. I need to make some repairs. I'm having problems that other people in my building aren't having, and it doesn't seem fair. Oh the challenges.

On the other hand, I also finally have it decorated the way I want. The right furniture, the right feel. We've really settled in well together.  Oh the joy.

Needle scratches on record. Topic change.Sorta. 

And now that is how I see the men I date. Only opposite.
I've said before that it's not uncommon for the men I date to tell me that I'm everything they've been looking for in a woman - but they're going to pass.

I guess they're not ready to take the plunge. I'm not even talking about marriage... just commit to dating!!
I find it so strange. If you've found what you're looking for... grab it... hold onto it! Make it yours!
Why wouldn't you?

Something about men today is preventing them from the Carpe Diem.
I don't know if they don't have the guts, or if they're dealing with fear.

But I get it, a little bit. When I found my condo, I was kind of surprised that I had to make a commitment. Even though that's what I was looking to do!  It was overwhelming.  This was all so sudden!
So men, I suppose, are thinking, "Wow, this is everything I've been looking for.... what the heck am I supposed to do now? Commit? Argghhhhh. I... I .... I can't. Must run!"

When I was introduced to my condo, I didn't want to think about NOT making it mine. I wanted it to be mine. Even if it was a little scary. It was completely uncharted territory for me. I didn't have my parents help me, they didn't even see it until months later. But in order to make this home MY HOME, I had to do it.

I'm willing to do that with a man. If only I could find one who was brave enough to take the plunge!
Maybe they're holding out for a balcony. Or a dining room.  Or a dishwasher. Who knows! I really don't think I'm out of their price range. hmm.
Maybe I am everything they're looking for - but I just don't feel like home.

In which case I would suggest dating me for a month or so to be sure. After all, I had to go through the mortgage process for three months before the deal was sealed! It wasn't instant. There's far less risk in dating for three months than committing to buying a home, for Pete's sake.
Dating, engagement and marriage is a much lengthier, and less fun process!

7 Quick Takes

I'm linking up with Jen @ Conversion Diary for 7 Quick Takes. I've wanted to join for some time now, but felt I wasn't blogging frequently enough to bother with it. But the more I read Catholic Mommy Blogs, the more I think they really need to be exposed to singles blogs. We need to pray for each other! Singles in the Church really, truly need prayer. I think regular readers here would agree. I'm hoping to convince all the happy mommies. Okay, here goes nothing!

--- 1 ---

Last weekend I finally got my tooshie out for a hike. It's one of my favorite things to do, but I end up never going hiking because there's no one to go with me. Then I have thoughts of Aron Ralston, or venomous rattle snakes... and it just doesn't seem safe to go alone. So I called one of my besties to let her and her hubby know that I was going hiking, and that I would call them when I was back down. Then I had the most beautiful hike on my favorite trail. Sweaty, dirty and worn out is one of my favorite things. Right after laughter through tears.
This is my view on the hike. Yeah, I live in Colorado. Don't everyone move here at once!

--- 2 ---

Well, that didn't last long! At the beginning of this week I had the most beautiful dream in which I met my husband. Now it's Friday and all the sweet, peaceful feelings have worn off. I wrote about how the most significant part of the dream was feeling my heart have a chance to rest. Each night since, I have lied in bed trying to morph back to that peaceful feeling - it does not come. Now, I just wish I could dream that dream once a week, or once a month just so my heart can rest for ten or twelve minutes.
Oddly, I wasn't really aware of the anxiety in my heart until I was in that dream and experienced, for the first time in 20 years what it was like to have a heart at rest. For the first two days after my dream, I felt it might be really possible to find my husband. Now five days later it seems like a crazy pipe dream once again. If I never, ever meet him, I pray that God would just allow me to enjoy that dream every so often in my old age.

--- 3 ---

My car has a miracle stereo system that has been trying my patience! When I bought the car, used, from some Cr@igsl!st dude, he included this tricked out stereo complete with remote control!

Last month the volume knob (which is also the auxiliary switch) just sort of jumped out of it's groove and is now very tricky to manipulate. Luckily, I have the remote control to resort to - but the volume controls there seem to be fussy - and it seems like the heat of the day is a factor. The hotter the inside of the car, the more likely the remote buttons don't work. This has confounded me until yesterday when I realized - um - maybe after five years, the battery needs to be replaced! Yeah, that makes a lot more sense than my heat theory.
I suspect I'm right.
I haven't bothered to replace the Very Special Battery just yet. But I think I get points for finally figuring it out!

--- 4 ---

I'm a summer birthday girl... and this year, for my own birthday I decided that I'm going to go to Italy in two years. It's something I've been putting off because 1) I always thought I'd go there for my honeymoon, but we all know that's not happening! 2) I never seem to be able to save that kind of money. I often joke that I never get to spend my money on what I've saved it for. Instead it ends up going to a car repair or some other emergency.
So anyway, I've decided that once I pay off a few bills I'm going to save every dollar, penny and dime so I can go to Italy for my Birthday in 2015! Shortly after this decision I found the most wonderful, comfortable pair of summer shoes, thinking, "These will be so great to wear to walk around Rome!" Yeah, I get ahead of myself sometimes. Well, I've been wearing those shoes with everything and noticed this week that the heel is going to be worn through before the end of next summer, never mind 2015. Normally, that wouldn't concern me because I have the best cobbler in three states, and I would just have him replace the heel... but of course, this particular shoe has the kind of sole where you can't just replace the heel. I guess I'll run it by him anyway, and see what he can do. But oh well!
Must start living in the present and not for the future!

--- 5 ---

I've recently discovered a couple new-to-me blogs aimed at single Catholic women. They're impressively good, for the fact that they don't only address singleness from a 20-something perspective. Because that would be shortsighted. Both writers have a wonderful ability to address the concerns of single women in their 30s and even into 40s (where I am. Sigh.) Allow me to recommend The Veil of Chastity and Seraphic Singles. I hope you find wisdom and comfort in their words as I have!
They both are married, having found their wonderful husbands later in life - but they do each have a heart for singles and haven't forgotten the agony of being kept in the waiting.

--- 6 ---

I'm pretty lucky that I work for a company that puts focus on personal wellness. We have a gym on site, and they're paying for a trainer to work us out in groups. It sounds a bit extravagant until you recognize that their money is better spent keeping employees healthy, rather than paying toward surgeries and treatments for employees who aren't healthy.
So, our trainer did one-on-one sessions with each of us to help identify more ways to improve our health. In addition to my workouts (I am already so much stronger!! My tummy is flatter too... yay!) she suggested that I get out for hikes once a week, (done) yoga once a week... and to get a solid eight hours of sleep each night... always a challenge for me since I'm a night owl who still has to work in the morning. Using my Andriod sleep app, I'm up to about 7.5 hours... but it never seems to be enough. Sigh.

--- 7 ---

Uh -- seven... let's see. Well, staying up late to write this I'm catching the Jimmy Kimmel show and a beautiful, rockin' Joan Jett belting out Bad Reputation! Yes, I am showing my age just knowing who Joan Jett is when I'm guessing most of you do not... I'm just saying it was probably worth staying up!!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

In My Dreams

Since the whole, "You're everything I'm looking for in a woman, but I'll pass." fiasco, it's been easier to abandon the whole idea of ever, ever meeting my husband.

I mean, if I meet All. The. Criteria. and still end up alone, well then, it's totally out of my hands.  Okay God, it's on You!

Really. Thinking it through, if I hope to find a Catholic man, at this age he is likely to be divorced, and so he must have an annulment before I could marry him. Even if I'm not strictly looking for a Catholic man, then a Christian man who would be able to get an annulment. So you see, the pool is very narrow.  It's just looking impossible. It's not up to me at all.

Makes it easier to release it.
It's miracle time. And miracles aren't up to me.
I'm feeling less frustrated and more, "Hey God, this isn't MY problem. This is on You. You know where to find me. Let me know where to be."

I was talking about this with a friend last night. One of those rare friends who, now married three years with two babies, but who still remembers the pain of being single when you know your vocation is marriage... I told her and her husband that I'm out, I'll be waiting on the miracle and they agree.

Then, in the early morning hours -- I saw him. I dreamt I met my husband.
It almost seems silly now - but it was the type of dream that feels more like a message than a dream.
There were just enough symbols of recognition, points to pay attention to...  something that made my heart feel at ease.  Very close to what I've felt when I've met someone who I connected with, and see potential... but with this extra feeling of peace.

That's it, it was the feeling of peace. Who knows, my husband may not look like this guy, or sound like this guy, or have the particular qualities that were pointed out to me in my dream... but I believe I'll know him when I recognize that sense of peace.

Oh, what life could be like if my heart could just relax in love.
It was such a beautiful feeling.
When your heart aches every day for twenty years, you simply don't remember what it feels like at peace. My heart needed the break! Twelve minutes of peace after all these years...If I could just have twelve minutes more.

A Horrible, Miserable Person

Funny thing about hitting middle age, never married, and shockingly, somehow no surprise babies... if you dwell on it long enough, one might conclude the only way to get there is to be some horrible, miserable person. Someone so unappealing, with no redeeming qualities that would make it quite obvious why no one would devote his life to you.

It's one thing to feel undeserving of babies, quite another to be undeserving of love.

But then again, God doesn't award points on a merit system. Grace and gifts are not earned. Some people are just really lucky to find love, and others less so.

I found a comment in my spam folder, for my last post. Some blogless blogger (only has a blog ID to leave comments for others, not a blogger themselves) suggests that I should look at myself, to understand why I'm in the position I'm in.
As if a woman who has dated as much as I have, and been alive as long as I have, hasn't thought of that! As if there isn't a night that I climb into my empty bed and wonder what I've failed to do in my life up to this point.

Like I haven't asked all my friends and a few strangers what I'm doing wrong?

Yes, I recently dated someone who was crazy about me. He treated me like a queen and wanted nothing more than to make me happy. Is there something wrong with me that I just didn't feel the same for him? There were differences in our faith. There were differences in our entire lives! He had his three kids, and as much as he wanted to make me happy, was not willing or able to have another, so that I could experience motherhood. Even so, that wasn't the end game... but there were enough differences to point to the end.  Does that make me a horrible person? Undeserving of love?

It bugs me enough to wonder if I turned down the one man on earth who would love me.  But I don't miss him. Sure I think about him, because I grew to care about him, and his kids to some degree. I don't miss the idea of a life with him. So that's a sign I think.

I ponder daily, why this is my plight. To desire love but never find it.
Sometimes I think my placement on this earth was a mistake. Being adopted, it's likely I was one convincing argument away from being aborted. Considering the abundance of fatal food allergies I deal with... and the fact that I recently survived an eerant crustacean in my meal after several injections of life saving serums, it seems God is keeping me alive for a reason.

It is, though, incredibly hard to believe that my life will include a loving husband - forget about children at this point!

And there's something about the way our culture brought us up. Led to believe if we were reasonably pretty, thin and healthy, faithful to God and family, kind and helpful to other people, and not a crazy @$$ b!tch... that someone would appreciate us, love us and want to grow old caring for each other.
On my worst days, I look around and see fat, ugly people with husbands and children. And they're mean too! I know, I've worked in a children's portrait studio, I've met the people who should never have children - but they have them!

I know that's not charitable thinking... but then neither are the thoughts in my spam folder.

Yes, I have considered my actions in life that brought me where I am today. Yes, I've sought counsel to pull out of my own thoughts and consider an unbiased opinion. The result? A priest offered that some men are just jerks.... and a professional offered that its not me, it's the men.

I'm not a horrible, miserable person undeserving of love. I dare say I'm not hard to love either. Just unappreciated. But I am here for a reason. I'm getting an emergency room bill in the mail soon to prove it.

Like No Other

It came like an epiphany. Though, once I had time to mull it over, it's something I've known all along - or at least suspected.

A co-worker, hearing the latest of my adventures in dating, said, "Your dating life is like no one else I know."

What do you mean? 

You always date these good guys - you don't do anything wrong - but it always ends in such a strange way.  

You mean how they tell me how great I am, that I meet all their criteria, but, "No thanks"?  

Yes. Exactly. 

That doesn't happen to other people you know? 

No one. 

So you're saying, other people just meet someone they match with and it works out? 

Yeah. 

Or it obviously doesn't.

She nods.

Yep. That's the story of my life alright!

I'm not dating guys who are all wrong for me. No one abusive, or out of my league or whatever.

I'm not going pshyco-b!tch on them.

Everything is great until they say, "No thanks."  Not in those words, but ultimately, that's it.

Even better, they tell me how I'm everything they're looking for - but they're willing to pass it up.

So strange.

It makes me think that God really wants me to be alone for some reason that He won't reveal to me. No matter how much I ask. No matter how much I beg through prayer to be relieved of the desire for a husband.

This is the first thing I'll ask God when I see Him face-to-face. Why? For what purpose?


For anyone questioning my motives - why don't I just quit dating? I have. I don't pursue. But when I agree with God that clearly, He wants me to be alone... whether it's for now, or forever... I can only be obedient if I acknowledge that I'll accept the man he brings me - either the one I trip over or the one who trips over me (Why do I have a feeling it's going to be messy?)
As I did in my youth, I will go out with whomever asks me. If someone wants to date me, I feel I am obedient to God to go spend time with him.
As another friend recently pointed out, I'm rarely lacking for dates. Just husbands.
I guess I'm attractive enough, friendly enough, charming enough to attract men. And apparently to stun them into retreat! 

One Hour Photo

It's not very often that, as a single woman, you meet someone who seems to be just what you've been looking for.
Someone with a strong faith life, a strong work ethic and who is fun to spend time with, to laugh with... who you're also attracted to.  Wait. What? That happens?

I embarked on a blissful few weeks of dating... with a gentleman who is indeed all gentleman, opening doors, planning great dates, making me all smiley and happy. And oh, the laughter!

We had plans for Saturday, after he got back from an errand in a neighboring town, and after I had a massage appointment. I was with friends at a farmers market, when he texted asking if we could meet any earlier than our planned 5:00. I needed a shower after my 1:30 massage and I didn't see that I could be ready before 4:00. My friend thought it was so sweet that he wanted to see me sooner. Aww.
We ended up having a great date that night. Learning more about each other and laughing together.

Then, after our Saturday date, I had a bad vibe on Sunday when he didn't text me his usual greeting. By the end of work on Monday, he still hadn't followed up... and my bad vibe got worse when someone asked me how it was going with him. I thought I just had to guard my heart a bit rather than allow myself to get too excited.  ( good tips from The Veil of Chastity)

Then that night he emailed me, saying how much he enjoyed getting to know me, how I was clearly a smart, faithful, beautiful Catholic woman, just as he's been looking for...  He even said he doesn't find a single fault in me. But that he prayed in adoration, and it was revealed to him that we should not pursue a relationship together.

Seriously? You get answers just like that? As if God runs One Hour Photo? I don't know about anyone else, but God doesn't answer my prayers instantaneously. At best, I see His answers in hindsight. I think most of us do.

Dear sir, I think you're putting your own fears on God, because you're too scared of the answers. Too scared to really put your heart out there and see what happens.

And an email? That's no better than a post-it note! And I thought you were a gentleman.

Funny thing is, when I think about it, for that hour after work when I felt the lack of confidence about what I thought he felt... I'm quite certain that was the hour he was in adoration.
And it took him the rest of the evening to compose that email. He said himself, he labored over making sense of what he had to say. No wonder... When in the same breath you say how I'm everything you're looking for, but you're going to pass.

I don't know, but a woman would never do that. A woman would see the gift and ask God for support. Because God doesn't run one hour photo!

Leave 'em Wanting More

I'm usually the last one to leave a party. I don't know if its because I'm a night owl in the first place, or because I'm happy to help clean up... Probably because I just keep talking.

At least I know this is my weakness, and a sometimes undesired trait.
When I started dating Mr. Burns, at the point that we started hanging out at his house, I told him that I have a tendency to overstay my welcome. Warning him that he may have to say, "Okay, time for you to go home!" And in fact, he soon realized he had to, and was glad he had permission to do so.

Yes, I know the theory that you should always leave them wanting more - rather than wishing you would leave already. But as it turns out, I always seem to be on the other side of that fine line.

I had a date this weekend, and after dinner we went for a walk nearby. It was somewhat circular, and so had a prescribed end. We walked and talked and I felt like it was all going too fast. I wasn't sure if one of us was setting the tempo, or if there was a deadline I was unaware of....
Then he drove me back to my car, where he stopped in the middle of the street, got out and opened my door to let me out. He hugged me, asked for a kiss, asked if we could go out again.... SOON!
It all felt so rushed! There were cars waiting behind us in the street!

I thought, "He's not trying to get rid of me if he's asking for a kiss and another date. Why is it so rushed?"

When I got home, he emailed me saying he felt like we didn't get to talk enough, please let's go out again.
So then I wondered, why did we part at 9:15 if we both wanted to stay together?!?

Then it dawned on me, for the first time probably ever... I left someone wanting more!
Yay me.

Husband Stealer

So the big news today was Angelina Jolie's boobs.
Sorry, that was glib... the news was Jolie's announcement that she opted for a preventative double mastectomy due to the 87% percent likelihood that she might develop deadly breast cancer like her mother before her.

Certainly, that was a brave decision. Particularly for someone who makes her living from her beauty and her figure. It was good of her to share her decision and thought process... and to discuss the kind of support she has to make that tough decision.

This is good for society, to educate women about their options. Rich or poor, you probably have more options than you think. It's good to start the discussion.

Then I was scrolling through my facebook feed and saw a status like this...

"Just in case I couldn't admire her more... Angelina Jolie has a preventative double masectomy.. ♥"

my response:

"I can't admire anyone who cheats and steals husbands."

Admire her? Sure, she adopts children from third world countries... she does volunteer work in those countries, and donates money to great causes, but I have just never gotten passed the fact that she stole someone's husband on a movie set. 

Yeah, she worked closely with Jennifer Anniston's husband, Brad Pitt, on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith - but she knew he was married. She should have kept her hands off. 
I'm not releasing Brad of blame... I'm just saying, it takes two, and when you know he's off the market, you have a responsibility to walk away. 

I'd rather be known for walking off the movie set to avoid temptation, than be known for ignoring the sanctity of anyone's marriage. 

I was thinking about it after I left that comment - I tend to get a little worked up when I share something challenging, afraid I'm starting World War III or something. This is when I think of rebuttals to anyone who might jump down my throat for an opposing viewpoint.

The more I thought about it... I thought, tearing someone's marriage asunder is not much different than making that woman a widow. I mean, there she was, thinking she had a future with the man she loved, and boom, suddenly she has to face life without him! 

As a woman who has been praying for my husband for many, many years, I have a pretty good idea how I would feel if I found him - and then had him ripped away from me! I think dealing with death would be easier because at least it would be God's will. But if someone stole him?!  That's unforgivable.

Then I thought some more.
As a woman who has been single her entire life... do you have any idea how many husbands I could have stolen? 

The only men who have ever been really interested in me, have been married. I could have broken up someone's marriage and lived happily ever after if I'd wanted to. If I were that kind of person.

Someone once asked me how I've reacted to all those married men. Did I flirt with them? chase them? engage their interest?
Nope. Dude. You're married? Get out of here. Shoo.
Yes, you're good looking, yes you're rich... you may even be everything I'm looking for in a man --- except single!  No, I'm not going to entertain the thought. Heck, I'm going to give you a lecture on fidelity! I'm going to remind you of your vows.

Just a few months ago, I told a married flirty what his kids would think of him if he cheated, if he left their mom.  That someone like me wasn't going to date a married man. That if he did leave his wife... ain't no good woman anywhere that would get involved with him, knowing he left his spouse and more than a handful of kids.
He looked insulted. I said, "Yeah, you're a great looking guy, with a great job. Women would be interested. But only a crazy-@$$-B!tch would get involved in that mess. Then one day you'll look around and wonder why you left your wonderful wife and have to deal with crazy-@$$-B!tches all the time!!"
With that, he had to agree.

Yes, I actually want some credit for NOT stealing husbands! Apparently it's acceptable behavior and I'm just a fool for acting honorably.

I dunno, I don't even see what's so attractive about Angelina Jolie. Never did. Yeah, she's pretty, beautiful even. But I don't get what all the fuss is about. I think one's actions speak much louder than one's beauty. She's not beautiful to me.

Beware of Flakes

My sweet neighbor is one of the most beautiful women I know. She wears vintage clothes and quirky hats, owns her own business and is smart, funny... and stuck on her ex for way too long. So when a charming, handsome man walked into her shop one day, she was excited when he asked her out and they started dating earnestly.

Last week I asked her how things were going. They broke up. It was mutual, but he did say that he had so much going on with his business that he couldn't devote the time and commitment that she deserved - to really date and get to know her. Sounds honest and respectful doesn't it?

Yeah, I've heard it too.  More than once.
A couple years ago, a man I met on a dating site gave me that spiel after three or four dates.
At the beginning of this year, I heard it from another guy... big project at work, taking classes toward his masters degree... truthfully, he actually fell off the planet, and I heard this explanation later.

My gut says, all these guys are flakes. Why are you on a dating site if you're not really ready to date? Rule number one in dating, BE AVAILABLE.
In truth, maybe these guys are ready to date, and the whole, "my life is just too busy right now" is the new, "I'll call you".  It's what they say when they don't know how to get out of the situation.

That's flaky. If you're really looking for love in your life, you're not going to let a class or a heavy work load get in the way of building a relationship with someone you think could be your future.
You're just not.
So saying your life just got too busy is a cop out.  It may be true, but the whole truth is you weren't really interested. That's okay. But at a certain age, be man enough to just say that.

The reason I think it's flaky is because this M.O. Is unique to my generation... my age group.
Some of my friends think it's unique to Menver. (That's Denver for the uninitiated. A city in which the male to female ratio is so skewed, that men have no sense of urgency to lock in a mate.)

Flaky.
Yeah. Because in my parent's generation and generations before and after... men were going off to fight wars, but they were getting married the day before they shipped out... or on shore leave.
They weren't waiting for just then right time, or just the right girl. They weren't waiting to finish up a big project (World War II) before they were going to fall in love and make a commitment.

But they also didn't have an endless Internet source funneling eligible women into their inbox either. Tomorrow was immediate. Not some far off future in which anything could happen and an endless supply of potential women to do it with.

But there's another flaky feature to watch out for...

Another friend of mine has just returned to dating after a divorce. She honestly took a couple years to heal, before putting her heart out there, so she's serious about being ready for love.

She called me the other day to get my opinion on what to do about a guy who made tentative plans with her. It was now the evening of the plans, they had settled on the day and the place, but not the time to meet. At this point she was two hours out from a reasonable date start time, and no word from the guy for confirmation. Warning bells sound in my head, but she teases me about being jaded, so I don't say the first thing that popped into my mind... "He's a flake, forget about him. Don't waste your time or energy."

She decides to text him, an hour later, nothing. Then I tell her he's a flake. When a guy doesn't lock in the whole plan in one conversation, he's not going to. He's hesitating. I dunno, maybe they get some kind of kick out of making half- baked plans. Maybe they send a friend to survey the date site and see if the woman turns up.

The first guy who flaked on me that way, turned out to be an ex-convict! I learned quickly.
My point is... just see a flake for what he is. Don't be too hurt. Don't invest any more. No more energy. No more hope. No more time. He's a flake. If he's going to redeem himself, let him do it on his own. It's on him. Not you. Just a little dating advice from someone whose been dating a long time.

Wardrobe Perk-Up

I have been over winter since mid- January.
Yes, officially it's spring and Easter is this weekend, but here in Denver we just got out biggest snowfall of the year, and it stuck! Finally this morning there was more green grass on our lawn than snow. Yay.

It's not the cold that wears me on winter as much as the fact that I get sick of wearing the same clothes! I just want to wear something different and the cheapest way to do that is to change the weather!

I went to Las Vegas the first week of March, wore a swim suit and tank tops and got sweaty. It was awesome! ( yes it was with a guy, no we didn't get married! )

I planned really poorly for the trip. Weather forecasts said it would be 70 degrees - and I guess my mind couldn't wrap around what 70 felt like while I was sitting in 40 degree weather! I thought it would be a bit chilly.
I packed skinny jeans, and cardigans, because I'm cold everywhere! Luckily at the last minute, I tossed a cute summer top into my already too-full bag. I was dying of heat in my skinny jeans, and it was too hot for the fashionable boots I'd packed, expecting to wear them with everything.
I had packed a pair of sweet slip ons... but had no idea that Vegas required so much walking! My feet still haven't recovered. I mean it. I'm in a lot of pain, and realizing that I have to start buying those really expensive, not cute, supportive shoes that don't go with any of my outfits.

Since I've been back though, I made a point to sort my closets. I've purged the things I really am not going to wear, shouldn't wear, and just can't fit into any more. Sigh.
It is an accomplishment though. Now I know what is in my closet, what I'm missing to create better outfits, and most importantly, the inventory is fresh in my mind and I'm reaching for clothes that I haven't worn in months!
That makes the next few months a bit easier as I transition into my spring and summer wardrobes.  Hopefully without having to buy too much new stuff.

The exception is shoes right now. My feet won't tolerate any of the gorgeous, lovely shoes I already own. And the shoes I need, start at twice what I am accustomed to paying for shoes. SIGH.

Oh, and the best BEST part of purging my closet? Giving away some lovely things to my friends. Two of them who have had similar bad luck in the job market as I suffered a couple years ago. It's nice to be able to perk up their wardrobes. New or new to you can go a long way in spring cheer!

Yes We Call Him Father

Admittedly, I was a bit terrified when Pope Benedict IXV announced his abdication of the papacy. Immediately, I wondered what kind of threats the Vatican might be receiving. Then I realized that the Pope would prefer martyrdom to cowardice. Whew. That eliminates that theory.

I think we've all taken the papacy as a "til death do us part" agreement. But that was so before people lived as long as we do now. I certainly think its reasonable to set a precedent now, that our Holy Father not be expected to serve into such old age.

And Wednesday, oh how moved I was when the white smoke in Rome, signaled we had our Pope! Then Pope Francis greeted the crowd with his humble little wave, and asked us for prayer... And he chose to be named after Saint Francis of Assisi! The perfect papa!

We Catholics love him already! Somehow we know this is just the man to lead us at this time in history. Oh how I love my Church! Always true.

What's interesting is, now I'm dating a wonderful Christian man - not Catholic - who questions what I believe about the Church, ( not in a hostile way, just trying to understand) and I don't have sufficient answers for him. Yes, I know what I believe. I know why I believe. But I've believed what I believe for so long, I can't even understand why he questions it.

For example, he asks how we can call someone on earth "father", in contradiction to the bible. I explained that the Pope, our bishops and priests are vicars of Christ, His presence on earth. But that's not enough explanation. I accept it, he doesn't.

Oh, how do we do this? I even work with our RCIA class, and know the truth to share, but it's so rarely enough for someone who is not open to it.
Sigh.

Yes, we call him Father. And it is right and good.
I wish that could be enough.

No One Understands

I find myself in a position that no one can understand.
Yes, sweetly they try, but no one gets it.

I've mentioned before that passed the age of 40, I've come to terms with my diminishing fertility. Sure, it could still happen but I'm not holding my breath. And I'm pretty comfortable knowing that I won't have children. I'm still sad about it sometimes, but normally it's okay.

The man I'm dating now is a father. He has three kids, and if he could choose, he's done. The fact is, he is done, thanks to a decision by his ex wife.
Together, we babysat my friend's toddler one Saturday evening. She was an absolute delight, (she loves her auntie TRS). Afterward, he told me he's worried he's not the guy for me, because I so obviously OUGHT to have children, and he can't give that to me. He wonders if he should bow out, because he thinks I deserve someone who can give me children.

Oh please. I've lived my whole life waiting for someone to have children with... If he hasn't shown up  by now, well yeah, it's a little late.
That ship has sailed. My fertility is in my past. I don't want him to feel he's keeping me from something that's not going to happen anyway.

When I share this with friends they insist I could still get pregnant and have a baby. ( sure it's possible - but not likely- and I have to live with unlikely)
I can adopt, we could foster children. Yes. But that's not the point. I wanted to experience truly being a woman. To experience pregnancy, childbirth, nursing. But now? Would I want to start with an infant at my age? If God wills it, absolutely. But that's not likely. It seems He has made darn certain  that I, TRS will never reproduce. I can't imagine why, but there it is.

No one really understands where I am now. I've accepted that its not likely that I'll have children, and I'm okay with it. A man who wants to give me everything, including something he can never give me, worries that he's not enough for me.  ( I appreciate his frustration)

Sometimes I think everyone who thinks I could still have babies, doesn't realize that those celebrities my age and older who have healthy twins, have had thousands if not millions of dollars of in-vitro (something I'll never do)  not to mention nannies, and no need to work for a living.
They don't realize that if I could have a baby, I'd likely suffer through multiple miscarriages first. How heartbreaking would that be?

I've accepted where I am, and no one understands. Worse, no one wants to accept it with me.

Or, am I beyond being realistic? Am I only seeing the negative? What do you think?

The Sweetest Thing

The best thing just happened.

(Back story first)
I'm seeing a man with kids. I've only met the kids a couple times, and it's still a bit awkward for them to see their dad dating. But I guess they see that he's happy and it must be making an impression.

(now back to the story)
The oldest boy is in high school, and he just got the idea to give a girl a valentine. Did he ask his dad for advice? No. He asked his dad to ask me what he should do.

Ehr muh gawd! This is so exciting! So unbelievably cute. 

He's never asked a girl on a date before, and he wanted to do something special for Valentine's Day. I suggested a single flower with a simple card - no need for elaborate declarations of love... just "Happy Valentine's Day" inscribed, unless he's inspired to put more words to paper. (He's not.) 
For the date? An activity that keeps the teenagers occupied, like a movie or arcade. (Dear Lord, don't make them suffer through a dinner date at that age!) 

I think it's the fact that, not having kids of my own I expect to forever miss out on these kinds of milestones. The sheer fact that he wanted my opinion... not his dad's (or even his mom's)  Oh... it's the sweetest thing.

It's so important to be important to a child. I'm not there yet, and he won't be a child for long... but that was a GREAT feeling!

A Numbers Game

I'm not so sure it is a numbers game.
That's what I hear... in order to find the right person, it's a numbers game. That's something people like to say - that if you just keep dating, you're bound to find someone who wants you as much was you want them.

It seems like a good idea, but I think I've disproved it.
Or at least I'm the exception to the rule.

I've just met someone who has never really dated. He married fairly young... stuck it out... and now he's dating for the first time.

It makes me a little uncomfortable. Like it's not fair that he hasn't been through all the scrapes and scabs that I've had to go through. But that's not fair. He's dealt with his own scrapes.

We joke that he's never dated, and that's all I've ever done!

Then he asked me how many men I've dated, and I thought... I don't even know! I mean, what counts as dating? A first date? A month-long relationship? Someone I've kissed?
Honey, I stopped counting after 40. And 40 was probably 10 years ago! (not that I was actually counting)

Funny, that has seemed perfectly normal to me. Meet someone, go on a date. Anyone I found interesting, I'd go on a date with them.
I've met a guy in the park while roller blading - I think that was one date. I met another guy at a bookstore - that was a couple of dates, lots of hanging out.

But when you start putting numbers to it - (even, blessedly, knowing I haven't slept with that many men...) it sure looks like an incredible amount - compared to someone who, at my age, is only on number two!

It reminds me why dating has been so frustrating. I have to explain that, while he's excited to have met someone he enjoys..  I've been there, done that. Everyone is interesting at first. Ultimately, someone ends up disappointed. And when you've been disappointed over and over and over again - the thrill wears off, even when it's thrilling.

All of those men, and none of them thought I was worth keeping.
Which, leads him to believe, he said, that most men are stupid!

I Found the Silver Lining!

Ten years ago... I had just moved to a new city, a tad over age 30... and more than a bit worried about being single. I was living with my cousin and his wife for a few months, and in one conversation with her about my dating life, I said, "If I don't find someone soon, I might never have kids!"
Because when you're 32, people are constantly warning you about your waning fertility.  Don't worry, they shut up when you turn 40 - which is equally hurtful. 
She told me not to worry about it. Unless I was planning to have a child without a husband, there was no point worrying about it.

That's hard to accept.  We like to think we can control what we want to control, even though we know full well that we can't.
So I had a long talk with myself. Could I be okay with it if I never had children? Yes, I decided, at age 32, that I guess I could be okay with it.
That lasted about a year. Until one day I was driving in a homey neighborhood and it hit me. "If I never have children, I'll never have grandchildren. And that is NOT OKAY!"

Quite frankly, that's when I got a bit panicky about finding a husband. I didn't want to grow old alone.
I couldn't imagine a life in old age, and not having any grandchildren stopping in to visit me.  Can you imagine having no family in your old age? That's terrifying.

But I've just made a discovery.
I've realized that now, at my age (a touch over 40) you just have date divorced men.  Men who have reached 42-43 or older having never been married or had kids... you know what, they're just not right. I know the same could be said for women... and I'll get into that some other time. My nutshell answer... women don't do the asking.

Anyway... when you date divorced men, they tend to have kids.
One man I've been getting to know has a son who is 20.
Another man has three kids... one who will graduate from high school soon. And it dawned on me... step-mothers, in healthy family relationships, get to be grandmothers!!

Why that never occurred to me before, I don't know.  My own, dear nieces and nephew have three sets of grandparents. The woman who was someone's step-mother - is just as much their grandmother as their parent's mothers.

This is so exciting to me!
If I were to be so blessed to have a husband, I would accept any children God gave me. At the age I am now, I'm not sure I would choose to start a family any more. If God ordains that... sure. I'll do what He calls me to do.
If I'm not called to have children, that's okay too.

But having Grandchildren just became more likely than having children!!!  I LOVE that!


(this post dedicated to the wonderful woman who was the 'third grandma' in our family - please give an eternal hug to my daddy when you see him! We were blessed to know you.) 

Still Learning.... So I Know Better

For the past few months, I've found myself thinking about Mr. Burns a lot.
Remembering little details from our relationship. So much it started to really bother me.

Of course I don't want him back. But yes, I miss being in a relationship.

Finally I realized, these thoughts swirling in my head, not obsessing, but clearly in the forefront of my brain... ah hah... I'm still learning from that relationship.

Still learning. I'd say that's a blessing. A painful blessing.

One of my good friends, as distraught as I am over my singleness... has asked, "Could it really not work with Mr. Burns? He was a good man."
Well, yeah. But that depends on your definition of a good man.

Very early in our relationship, it was clear that his family was very important to him. That's a good thing right? But then why did he speak so disrespectfully to his mother, on the phone? Right in front of me...  he was so short and curt and rude with his mother and didn't have an shame over it.
He'd explain that she had dementia, and that it was frustrating to have a conversation with her. I remember thinking at the time, "My dad is hard of hearing, and it can be frustrating to carry on a conversation, but I would never talk to him like that."

When I finally got to travel with him to meet his family, I found that his brothers treated his mother just as terribly. With no patience, and no respect. I met her. She was lovely, even if I did hear the same stories more than once in the short time I was there!

Later I learned that his incredible fondness for his family was for his many brothers and sisters. He would do anything for them, support them through anything. (through stupid, awful things quite frankly - like lying to their mom about one of them being in jail!) It took years for me to realize that it would be to the exclusion and detriment of having his own family. Or bothering to get to know my family. Yes, he held his family in high regard, but that was not an indication that he would care for anyone else.

When my brother brought his family out for a ski weekend, Mr. Burns and I were to drive up to the mountains to meet them. He actually told me, as we were driving, "I really don't want to do this."
What an @$$! Who SAYS that?!

There are lots of things people don't WANT to do in relationships. Things that take us out of our comfort zones. Things that, even if it's difficult, make us better people. Things that show others that we care about them. He had a tendency to never do any of those things.

One thing he would never do was meet my parents. He had lots of opportunities, but somehow his work schedule would get in the way... every time. (funny, if it was about his family, his work schedule never interfered.)

One thing about me, I have always talked about my dad a lot. I loved him so much, found him hilarious, and have always been proud of him. So naturally, I shared some stories of my dad's quirky personality with Mr. Burns. After a while, Mr. Burns used that information to feign a familiarity with my dad. He'd try to act out Dad's quirks, or say he was doing something like my dad. Even using the shortened version of my dad's name! That seriously ticked me off.  How dare you act like you know my dad?!??! Especially when you won't make the effort to meet him!

What all these memories have taught me, is that I didn't know how to articulate my frustration at the time. Inside, I would be hurt and angry, but because I didn't know what to say - I didn't say anything. I wanted to wait until I had the right words... and I never had the right words.
Mr. Burns even asked me on multiple occasions, why I put up with so much from him.
I thought it was because I was growing patience. And maybe I was.

But now I know what disrespect looks like, sounds like, feels like.
Now I have something to say about it.

Even in those moments when I think, it's still nicer to be in a relationship... that it was better to be miserable with Mr. Burns than to be miserable alone... because then, at least, there was someone to share the day with... someone to laugh with...  in those moments I know the pain of those years and some of the time since... was worth it. Worth it because, I know better now.

Because I know more about what love DOESN'T look like - surely I'll be more able to recognize it when it is real and right in front of me.

Rumors and Trust

I listened to almost three hours of a friend hashing over her crush on a co-worker.
This woman is 40.
But I listened. There have been dates, if you can call them that, but he's been stringing her along for at least eight months.

He's a very successful man, and single - so of course everyone at her work is curious about his private life. How is he still single? they wonder. He must be a player. they suppose. The co-workers talk about a married woman who changed jobs a few years ago, and they suspect there was an affair between her and Mr. Successful.

But that's just a rumor. And I told my friend, "Rumors are just rumors until you know the truth. And people will talk, especially about the single guy.  They'll just assume that he's a player and a heartbreaker because they think that is what they would do in his position."

Quite frankly, I'll bet money that even the people at my church assume that I'm out bed-hopping with random men... just because I'm single. They think that's what single people do.  Even church-going, Catholic singles.

Then I asked my friend, "If you find out he did have an affair with a married woman, is this someone you want have a relationship with?"

She looked at me and said, "Well, I'm no different. I slept with someone who was engaged, before they broke up...  but it was a loveless relationship..."

At that point I wanted to say, "That sounds like the kind of excuse people who cheat use." but I didn't want to kick her while she was down. Plus, her face revealed she was concerned about my judgment.

It's not judgmental, it's smart. If that's his level of respect for marriage when he's single, what would you expect from him when he's married?

Personally, I'm shocked that this is acceptable to her. Yes, of course people deserve forgiveness and people can change. But I don't think even that is where her heart is.
Sure, if they develop a relationship and discuss their expectations and reveal their hearts - something good could happen.
But considering a guy who has kept someone at arm's length for eight months, I'd say he's not all about communication.

This is how hard it is out there. It's easy to start compromising your standards just to have someone pay attention to you.

I joke that there are so many reasons I'm single.  I won't date married men, I don't date cheaters and I don't sleep around.  As a result... I'm very very single.
But I still think that's better than the alternative.

Thanksgiving Break from Pleasantries

I'm hibernating.

Thanksgiving Day, I happily slept til about 9:00AM. Well, almost. My nephew called me at 7:30 and didn't take the hint from my sleepy, cobwebby voice. Finally I said, "You know, it's a holiday. I was planning to sleep in! You called me at alarm clock time on a sleep in day." Which resulted in laughter when he remembered the rule about talking to me before 9:00AM (don't)  (relax, he's almost 30 - it's not like he's a little boy - plus he doesn't work, so a reprieve from such a schedule is lost on him! ) Also, he didn't take the time zone into consideration. Luckily I was able to fall back asleep.

So I slept in and stayed home. I made some phone calls and sent some texts wishing people a happy Thanksgiving. I was invited to a couple of gatherings but just didn't feel like it.  Don't feel sorry for me, it was just what I wanted.
In fact, during the approaching week, I found myself wincing when someone heard I didn't have plans, for fear they'd extend an invitation. I knew I didn't want to have to put on a pleasant face for people who don't really care. (you know - like folks who ask how you're doing, but don't want you to elaborate beyond "fine") It was just going to be too much effort to make pleasantries when I would rather just... not.

So yes, I'm hibernating. I think a reprieve from Thanksgiving is healthy every three years or so.

I stayed home and watched movies all day. It was great! Like taking a sick day without being sick.
So for your pleasure... my lessons gleaned from a day of Romantic Comedies.

I started with Sweet Home Alabama.  I'd seen bits of this movie, but finally watched the whole thing. I loved how you can't predict which guy she'll end up with. The Lesson: What being the better person looks like. (it's not a spoiler if the movie is over 5 years old...) Her New York Boyfriend loved her enough to let her go. I loved how he said, "Wow, so this is what it feels like." and there are moments when she gets too big for her britches, thinking she's better than the people who never left her po-dunk town. She has to learn how to be gracious.

Next up: While You Were Sleeping. I forgot how much I love that movie. Really really love. I really relate to Lucy - the girl with the passport that has no stamps in it - who just really wants a family more than anything. So sweet.
The Lesson: life doesn't turn out like you planned. God is making it better. God will give you just what you need. I have to learn to wait... and trust!

The Accidental Husband - I don't remember ever even hearing about this. Probably because how does anyone expect a leading lady to hem and haw over Colin Firth?!?!  Honey, you just marry Colin Firth!!!  But then... the interloper is Jeffery Dean Morgan (remember him as Denny from early seasons of Grey's Anatomy? ) Yeah, he is pretty yummy. 

 

The Lesson: It's one thing to go with Mr. Safe and Dependable, but if you've never given any Mr. Rugged and Impulsive a shot, simply because of your own fears you'll never know he can provide his own brand of security.

The problem with these movies though - is that the heroine had two quality men to choose from. Each was planning to marry to start out with, until someone comes and shakes up her world. Within a week they're prepared to marry the interloper?!?!?!  Not real. Come on. Who ever has TWO men to choose from!

I also watched Step Mom - which is just a great great movie!  The message for single women in the beginning of the film is... if you've never had kids you're selfish and can't possibly know how to handle kids. So insulting! But that assumption holds up in society. Everyone tells me to date divorced dads... but divorced dads assume I'm immature and not ready for commitment simply because I've never been knocked up!  (and that's before they even meet me! )

Either way, a nice lazy day.
Hope your Turkey Day was to your liking!


(photos from google image search) 

It's Not Just Me

There are days that I think it must be me.

It's me who is undesirable, unloveable.  Not as pretty or thin as I used to be.
Or maybe men can sense that I'm not going to sleep with them... at least until I know him. So they don't even approach me.

But then I realize that so many of my girlfriends are experiencing the same thing.
First dates that don't lead to second dates.  Second dates that result in radio silence.
Not a single BAD date, mind you. Just men who never follow up again. For no real reason.

The women I know... beautiful. smart. physically fit. kind and generous.
I've always said, if these are the women on the bench in this game.... I truly don't understand it.

The saying was something like... a woman over 40 has more chance of getting struck by lightning or killed by a terrorist than she does of getting married.
But I'm convinced, most of the time that that's not me.
I'm starting to see the reality of that saying.

My friend's husband says, as men approach their 40s unmarried - there's something wrong with them. He points to his own uncle as an example. They just can't get passed doing things their own way, making room for someone in their lives.

Why is that not true for women? Who knows.
I think women are always more collaborative. More willing to work together. More willing to give and sacrifice.
Yes, men can do all that too - but what my friend was saying, is if they haven't learned how to apply those skills before this age - they're just not going to.  I think that's so. (McTwitchy does too, it's one of his excuses.) 

And don't forget, that once I turned 40 I became invisible. Men my age are looking for someone younger.  Just like when I was younger, it was the much older guys who were interested in me - and most of them were married.

It's not just me. Even so, it's hard to accept.