About a year ago, I talked with an older woman from my church. An older single woman. She is someone one of the priests had identified to me as someone who had never married and who I ought to relate to. Apparently, she'd joined a convent when she was younger, and left the order.
When we finally had a conversation, I realized that she seemed to carry a certain bitterness which she tries to cover with personal platitudes. She told me that's she's glad she never married because she didn't want to be, "... as miserable as everyone else." I don't believe it for a minute. I think she has convinced herself that the marriages around her are miserable because it makes her happier. Sure, some folks are miserable in their marriages, but I wouldn't lump them all in that category.
I tried to share with her how hard it is for me to be alone, and to mourn the fact that I probably will be for the rest of my life. She very sincerely told me, "It gets easier."
Well, that just ticked me off. No way can it get easier to be alone. The past 22 years have pretty much sucked for me in that regard. Another 22 years of the same sounds awful. It made me even more determined to find the man who would be my husband. He just HAS to be out there.
(don't get me wrong. I have been happy and fulfilled... but being alone sucks. there's no getting around that.)
As you know from my last post, I met 18 single Catholic men last weekend. Whoopie.
It's hard to know if the men were really that unappealing or if I am just so jaded that I wasn't going to accept any of them.
I went out with a guy a few weeks ago, and had a really nice time. We both did. We couldn't go out again for two weeks because I went out of town. When I returned, he called to try to lock me in for a date. The following weekend was already booked for both of us, and when I offered him either Tuesday or Wednesday he eagerly offered, "Both?" We settled on Tuesday, looking forward to it. We only committed to the day, we didn't decide anything firm.
By Monday afternoon, he still hadn't confirmed solid plans so when I responded to his prior text, I asked if he had a good weekend and if we were still on for Tuesday. In his very positive, high energy way he texted back, "Yes! Still on for Tuesday!", but by the time I left work on Tuesday I still didn't have a time or a place for our date - much less word from him. It didn't look good.
I waited until 6:00, put on my running shoes and headed to the park for a run. I heard a few pings come through behind the training app on my phone and decided to check for messages after my run. They weren't from him. I still haven't heard from him. What. The. &$%@#?!
So now, I can't even get a second date with a guy who asked for two dates!!
I'm not interested in any of the men available to me.
That's it.
I quit.
For years, I've laughed at people who told me to quit looking. I can't quit looking. It's too important. I want it too much. How can I stop hoping and wishing and praying? How am I supposed to ignore the desires of my heart, put there by God Himself?
This is how. It's realizing that I'm just spinning my wheels. There is no forward movement. No progress being made.
I quit. I'm not looking any more. I'm not trying. It shouldn't be this hard anyway.
I've already grieved the loss of my fertility. That I will likely never experience pregnancy and childbirth - the experiences which make up the crescendo of womanhood. I did that last year with the company of my friend who suffered a devastating miscarriage. We were blessed to share our grief with one another and support each other through it.
Now, I believe I've grieved the fact that love will never happen the way I expected.
If I trip over the guy, maybe I'll go out with him - but I'm not trying anymore. I'll date, sure. But I'm not going to be as invested in it. Instead, I'm going to get back in shape, save my money and start planning that trip to Italy.
It's over.
And I'll do my best to not become bitter.
Wish me luck.
(oh, and please be decent in the comments. This IS my heart I'm laying out here. Have your opinions, sure - but don't come in my house and spit on my floor.)
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Selection Rejection
Le sigh.
A friend and I went to a Catholic Speed Dating event last weekend. I was kind of excited, because I felt a prompting to go after a few distinct signs led me to it. I signed up for the event thinking I might actually meet my husband.
I mean, I'm realistic. I know what the pool of Catholic men in this area looks like. There would be a majority of socially awkward 40 year olds and hopefully one or two guys that would be worth getting to know.
Going in, it seemed like the odds were good, considering there were more men than women there. But in reality, it was a lot of work starting conversations every five minutes and trying to size of the man in front of you. By the time there were about five men left to meet, I was exhausted!!
There were some very nice men there... sweet and kind but alas, no attraction.
There was one man that all the women complained to the organizer about - he was a real creep.
And then there were a few men toward the end who I knew had to be at the top of the age range. As I saw making their way around to my table, I thought, "Not bad looking, not great - but if the personality is there, there's a possibility." Some guys just don't do -over 40- well. Particularly when they don't have wives to help dress and groom them.
This won't sound charitable at all but, come on guys - you just paid good money to have a shot at a dozen smart, attractive women and you show up in a faded, worn polo shirt that's so threadbare, the collar doesn't even stand correctly any more. Not to mention a healthy crop of nose hair, or the dried spittle crusted on each corner of your mouth. Surely, you don't think any woman is going to get amped up to kiss crusty spittle - so I can only imagine you haven't noticed - which I find remarkable.
Even if I didn't have a 10X magnification mirror in my bathroom, I would still notice the stray eyebrow hair, minuscule blackhead, or the occasional wild hair that could sprout from my chin or next to a mole.
Granted, this is a great difference between men and women - the attention to detail. But really? You don't FEEL the dried saliva on your face?! You don't notice when your nose hairs brush the top of the sandwich you're eating? Can't see the frayed fabric fibers sprouting from the collar of the shirt you've obviously worn at least weekly for the past seven years?!
I hate to break it to ya buddy, but if you're oblivious to your own appearance to such a degree - how could I entrust you with MY body?!
Sure, it sounds shallow to focus on these details... but rest assured, it wasn't the hair or the spittle alone. The absence of a sense of humor. The recitation of his resume rather than a sharing of his favorite things. There just wasn't a connection. At all.
My friend made the same observations, although she thanked her lucky stars that she didn't notice the dried spittle - probably because she was concentrating on not throwing her drink in the face of the creepy guy!
She declared the entire experience a bust! Didn't check a match on any of the guys.
I forced myself to check the box on one guy, who seemed like he deserved more than five minutes to make his case. I doubt he's my husband though.
It's suddenly more clear why so many people are single.
Friends, you just can't wait until your 40s to find your match. At this point, I almost recommend marrying the wrong guy in your 30s just to avoid this crap. Lord knows, it's easier for divorced people to get remarried than for a single person to marry after 37.
Godspeed my friends.
A friend and I went to a Catholic Speed Dating event last weekend. I was kind of excited, because I felt a prompting to go after a few distinct signs led me to it. I signed up for the event thinking I might actually meet my husband.
I mean, I'm realistic. I know what the pool of Catholic men in this area looks like. There would be a majority of socially awkward 40 year olds and hopefully one or two guys that would be worth getting to know.
Going in, it seemed like the odds were good, considering there were more men than women there. But in reality, it was a lot of work starting conversations every five minutes and trying to size of the man in front of you. By the time there were about five men left to meet, I was exhausted!!
There were some very nice men there... sweet and kind but alas, no attraction.
There was one man that all the women complained to the organizer about - he was a real creep.
And then there were a few men toward the end who I knew had to be at the top of the age range. As I saw making their way around to my table, I thought, "Not bad looking, not great - but if the personality is there, there's a possibility." Some guys just don't do -over 40- well. Particularly when they don't have wives to help dress and groom them.
This won't sound charitable at all but, come on guys - you just paid good money to have a shot at a dozen smart, attractive women and you show up in a faded, worn polo shirt that's so threadbare, the collar doesn't even stand correctly any more. Not to mention a healthy crop of nose hair, or the dried spittle crusted on each corner of your mouth. Surely, you don't think any woman is going to get amped up to kiss crusty spittle - so I can only imagine you haven't noticed - which I find remarkable.
Even if I didn't have a 10X magnification mirror in my bathroom, I would still notice the stray eyebrow hair, minuscule blackhead, or the occasional wild hair that could sprout from my chin or next to a mole.
Granted, this is a great difference between men and women - the attention to detail. But really? You don't FEEL the dried saliva on your face?! You don't notice when your nose hairs brush the top of the sandwich you're eating? Can't see the frayed fabric fibers sprouting from the collar of the shirt you've obviously worn at least weekly for the past seven years?!
I hate to break it to ya buddy, but if you're oblivious to your own appearance to such a degree - how could I entrust you with MY body?!
Sure, it sounds shallow to focus on these details... but rest assured, it wasn't the hair or the spittle alone. The absence of a sense of humor. The recitation of his resume rather than a sharing of his favorite things. There just wasn't a connection. At all.
My friend made the same observations, although she thanked her lucky stars that she didn't notice the dried spittle - probably because she was concentrating on not throwing her drink in the face of the creepy guy!
She declared the entire experience a bust! Didn't check a match on any of the guys.
I forced myself to check the box on one guy, who seemed like he deserved more than five minutes to make his case. I doubt he's my husband though.
It's suddenly more clear why so many people are single.
Friends, you just can't wait until your 40s to find your match. At this point, I almost recommend marrying the wrong guy in your 30s just to avoid this crap. Lord knows, it's easier for divorced people to get remarried than for a single person to marry after 37.
Godspeed my friends.
Thursday, May 03, 2012
If I Had the Answer to THAT...
Why are you still single?
Well, gee - if I knew?
I've always hated that question. Um, pretty obviously, I was born that way. Perhaps less obvious, because I'm not married. Haven't met the right guy. The right guy didn't ask?
I'm not pretty enough? My boobs are too small? I'm too Catholic?
You know what? Why don't you go ask the men over there why THEY think I'm single. Maybe then we can get somewhere!
But you know something, bloggy friends?
The only thing worse than constantly being asked why you're still single....
is when they stop asking.
Suddenly, I have to wonder if it's quite obvious to everyone but me why I'm still single. Did everyone figure out that maybe I'm a shrew? Or worse, now that I'm over 40, do they all think the race is over? (I think they do! And that makes me sad.)
Of all the times I've heard, responded to, or ignored that question... there have been a handful that actually flattered me.
My favorite was about a year ago. My friend was newly married, pregnant and had invited me over for dinner. At her house, I love to work in the kitchen and I was merrily chopping away at some vegetables - sort of doing my version of the chef from The Little Mermaid... telling the vegetables what I was a going to do them... employing my range of silly voices, "Ah, I chop you up, and now you're going to fry!"
My friend's new husband overheard my goofiness, smiled broadly and said, "How are you single?"
My heart melted. I thanked him and gave him a hug. It meant so much to have a really good man say such a thing.
That's what I prefer to hear. An acknowledgment that I'm fun, and appealing and that someone IS missing out by not asking me to share his life.
Well, gee - if I knew?
I've always hated that question. Um, pretty obviously, I was born that way. Perhaps less obvious, because I'm not married. Haven't met the right guy. The right guy didn't ask?
I'm not pretty enough? My boobs are too small? I'm too Catholic?
You know what? Why don't you go ask the men over there why THEY think I'm single. Maybe then we can get somewhere!
But you know something, bloggy friends?
The only thing worse than constantly being asked why you're still single....
is when they stop asking.
Suddenly, I have to wonder if it's quite obvious to everyone but me why I'm still single. Did everyone figure out that maybe I'm a shrew? Or worse, now that I'm over 40, do they all think the race is over? (I think they do! And that makes me sad.)
Of all the times I've heard, responded to, or ignored that question... there have been a handful that actually flattered me.
My favorite was about a year ago. My friend was newly married, pregnant and had invited me over for dinner. At her house, I love to work in the kitchen and I was merrily chopping away at some vegetables - sort of doing my version of the chef from The Little Mermaid... telling the vegetables what I was a going to do them... employing my range of silly voices, "Ah, I chop you up, and now you're going to fry!"
My friend's new husband overheard my goofiness, smiled broadly and said, "How are you single?"
My heart melted. I thanked him and gave him a hug. It meant so much to have a really good man say such a thing.
That's what I prefer to hear. An acknowledgment that I'm fun, and appealing and that someone IS missing out by not asking me to share his life.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
They're All Married
In my job, I am frequently sent to some big industry conferences. Not my industry, but the industry related to my company's services. Let's just say it's an industry dominated by men, so basically I'm in convention centers with hundreds if not thousands of high-powered, successful men. Having dinner with them (in bulk - conference style) and maybe drinks during the conference-wide cocktail hour.
Needless to say, surrounded by these men in their gorgeous European cut suits, and smarts just oozing out of their brains... I frequently glance at ring fingers to see if there's an opening for me.
Let me tell you something. Every last one of them is married.
Every one.
You know why? Because they're smart and successful - and quite frankly, they didn't get there by themselves. These men were able to get as far as they have because they have someone at home, supporting them. Maybe even financially, at the beginning of his career, but certainly taking care of the house and the kids and his meals while he's out conquering the world.
Ha. You think he picked out that gorgeous suit on his own? Think again. His missus is responsible for that.
I'm serious... I didn't see a single man at either of the last two conferences without a wedding ring.
Maybe it's because they have that kind of drive in the first place, that they had the confidence to commit to a woman years back, knowing their lives and careers would be better for it.
Back in my dating world, for example, I'm often shocked when I encounter a guy who claims to be my age - but looks years older, weary and out of shape. I think, good heavens, how did he age so badly? Then the answer is clear... because he didn't have a wife. Men are happier and healthier with a wife, because left to their own devices, most men will eat less healthy foods, and visit their doctor far less.
So now, for women like me - it's either date someone divorced with their emotionally scarred brand of baggage - or date someone who's either never had the desire to share their life until they realize something's missing, or someone who's been playing dungeons and dragons for the past 15 years while drinking soda, beer and eating chips and never exercising!
So I guess what I'm saying... by paraphrasing that old song that Cher sang...
Needless to say, surrounded by these men in their gorgeous European cut suits, and smarts just oozing out of their brains... I frequently glance at ring fingers to see if there's an opening for me.
Let me tell you something. Every last one of them is married.
Every one.
You know why? Because they're smart and successful - and quite frankly, they didn't get there by themselves. These men were able to get as far as they have because they have someone at home, supporting them. Maybe even financially, at the beginning of his career, but certainly taking care of the house and the kids and his meals while he's out conquering the world.
Ha. You think he picked out that gorgeous suit on his own? Think again. His missus is responsible for that.
I'm serious... I didn't see a single man at either of the last two conferences without a wedding ring.
Maybe it's because they have that kind of drive in the first place, that they had the confidence to commit to a woman years back, knowing their lives and careers would be better for it.
Back in my dating world, for example, I'm often shocked when I encounter a guy who claims to be my age - but looks years older, weary and out of shape. I think, good heavens, how did he age so badly? Then the answer is clear... because he didn't have a wife. Men are happier and healthier with a wife, because left to their own devices, most men will eat less healthy foods, and visit their doctor far less.
So now, for women like me - it's either date someone divorced with their emotionally scarred brand of baggage - or date someone who's either never had the desire to share their life until they realize something's missing, or someone who's been playing dungeons and dragons for the past 15 years while drinking soda, beer and eating chips and never exercising!
So I guess what I'm saying... by paraphrasing that old song that Cher sang...
If you want to happy for the rest of your lifeAnd of course, I'm still taking applications!
Geez man, get a wife!
Monday, April 16, 2012
Dating Fatigue
Oh... I swear sometimes I just don't even know what I'm doing.
I honestly think that after this many years of dating, instead of getting good at it - it's impossible to do it right.
It's like an athlete practicing the perfect swing, or pitch or shot or volley. Sure, the more you practice, the better you get at it. 50, 100 times, maybe you're learning something. But 50,000 times... there must be diminishing returns. Your form gets sloppy. You get muscle fatigue. Eventually you hurt yourself. Eventually you can't even tell what you're doing right and what you're doing wrong. You lose track.
That's what's going on in my dating life.
On top of that, I have advice coming from all different directions. Don't kiss him. Don't have sex. Don't text him. Don't call him. Let him pursue you. Gah!
So I've tried that.
There was a guy last summer that I liked. I really liked him. But I wasn't sure if I was attracted to him. I mean, I thought he was good looking but I wasn't feeling the za za zu. (Meaning, I couldn't picture ever wanting to tear his clothes off!) I thought this was a good opportunity to try out the no kissing rule.
Looking back on that, he lost interest. I'm sure he thought I wasn't interested.
The no sex part, I can handle. I'm a pro at it. Believe me. (although I want desperately to find my husband already and have lots of sex!!! He's going to be SO lucky!)
But I can't not kiss a guy that I'm attracted to. And because I'm so starved for physical intimacy, (I mean, if we start counting from age 20 I've been dating for more than two decades!! And it's been more than a year since McTwitchy) I make the most of the kissing. In fact, I think I take it too far, unintentionally. I actually forget that while I can kiss for hours and still rein in my urges... guys can't. Then they're frustrated, and stop calling the frustrating girl.
See. It's a vicious circle.
Because I want and need intimacy - I get a little intimacy - and because of it - I am starved of said intimacy.
This may be my entire problem.
I mean, at what point to does one explain that you're dating chastely? That yes, you love sex and have a better than healthy sex drive - but that he's not going to get to experiment any time soon, and that's why people should get engaged in six to nine months of dating!!! I mean, you can't bring that up on the first date. Do you have that conversation before you even kiss? That seems awkward too.
And when you only get 3-4 dates... when the heck CAN it come up?
I really wish men would want to discuss this stuff instead of giving up because they're confused.
That combined with the fact that though out all the years I've been dating - the communication surrounding dating has changed.
When I started out, you met guys in real life. They called and asked you out. The plans were firm. You both showed up at the same place and there were no distractions like cell phones and texting, not to mention 20 other women lined up on some dating site.
When you liked someone, you had a couple phone conversations a week if not everyday.
Now, a guy who MIGHT be interested will text you to see if your available. It would be nice if they'd call to firm up the date - but you can't really expect that.
The last few guys I've dated recently, don't call me in between dates. They text to arrange something and the moments once a week we are face to face, is the only time I get to have a conversation with them.
Is it any wonder it's impossible to start a relationship?
Any advice from someone who's been in the dating world recently (not married/engaged in the past 4 years) of how to encourage proper dating?
I honestly think that after this many years of dating, instead of getting good at it - it's impossible to do it right.
It's like an athlete practicing the perfect swing, or pitch or shot or volley. Sure, the more you practice, the better you get at it. 50, 100 times, maybe you're learning something. But 50,000 times... there must be diminishing returns. Your form gets sloppy. You get muscle fatigue. Eventually you hurt yourself. Eventually you can't even tell what you're doing right and what you're doing wrong. You lose track.
That's what's going on in my dating life.
On top of that, I have advice coming from all different directions. Don't kiss him. Don't have sex. Don't text him. Don't call him. Let him pursue you. Gah!
So I've tried that.
There was a guy last summer that I liked. I really liked him. But I wasn't sure if I was attracted to him. I mean, I thought he was good looking but I wasn't feeling the za za zu. (Meaning, I couldn't picture ever wanting to tear his clothes off!) I thought this was a good opportunity to try out the no kissing rule.
Looking back on that, he lost interest. I'm sure he thought I wasn't interested.
The no sex part, I can handle. I'm a pro at it. Believe me. (although I want desperately to find my husband already and have lots of sex!!! He's going to be SO lucky!)
But I can't not kiss a guy that I'm attracted to. And because I'm so starved for physical intimacy, (I mean, if we start counting from age 20 I've been dating for more than two decades!! And it's been more than a year since McTwitchy) I make the most of the kissing. In fact, I think I take it too far, unintentionally. I actually forget that while I can kiss for hours and still rein in my urges... guys can't. Then they're frustrated, and stop calling the frustrating girl.
See. It's a vicious circle.
Because I want and need intimacy - I get a little intimacy - and because of it - I am starved of said intimacy.
This may be my entire problem.
I mean, at what point to does one explain that you're dating chastely? That yes, you love sex and have a better than healthy sex drive - but that he's not going to get to experiment any time soon, and that's why people should get engaged in six to nine months of dating!!! I mean, you can't bring that up on the first date. Do you have that conversation before you even kiss? That seems awkward too.
And when you only get 3-4 dates... when the heck CAN it come up?
I really wish men would want to discuss this stuff instead of giving up because they're confused.
That combined with the fact that though out all the years I've been dating - the communication surrounding dating has changed.
When I started out, you met guys in real life. They called and asked you out. The plans were firm. You both showed up at the same place and there were no distractions like cell phones and texting, not to mention 20 other women lined up on some dating site.
When you liked someone, you had a couple phone conversations a week if not everyday.
Now, a guy who MIGHT be interested will text you to see if your available. It would be nice if they'd call to firm up the date - but you can't really expect that.
The last few guys I've dated recently, don't call me in between dates. They text to arrange something and the moments once a week we are face to face, is the only time I get to have a conversation with them.
Is it any wonder it's impossible to start a relationship?
Any advice from someone who's been in the dating world recently (not married/engaged in the past 4 years) of how to encourage proper dating?
Wednesday, April 04, 2012
Agency - A Review
Ooh... how exciting... my first requested review!
Funny how this blog world works... I'm connected to the author of this book through one bloggy friend, Erin Annie - and one real life friend, the author's sister Keli! (Erin Annie is a real life friend now too!)
So, it's not too awkward that I won a free copy of the book from Erin Annie's blog give-away is it?
I don't care. I love free stuff. I love good books. And I love any mutual friend of my friends, real life, bloggy or otherwise!
Now for the review!
This is a fiction based on reality. Semi-autobiographical?
Shantal was a fashion model in her college years and I'm guessing into her 20s, perhaps beyond. What we all typically think of as a glamorous career, tended to conflict with the beliefs of her Mormon (LDS) upbringing.
In Agency, the story is lifted from her actual experience, but because it is fiction she can take some liberties, maybe add some juicy details and probably tell some stories that she might not otherwise tell!
If that's not intriguing enough to pique your interest... well then, you're nothing like me.
I loved reading it just for the ability to wonder what was truth and what was fiction!!
The book tells the story of fictional Michelle Campbell, a smart, beautiful college girl working her way through school in the late 1980s. A mentor suggests modeling as a way to earn money for college.
It's the sort of story I like to immerse myself in. I become the main character for a week or two - so when I read a chapter or two before bedtime, I became a young beauty who turns heads, and attracts the terribly attractive, godly man I've been looking for my whole life! All the while she's pursuing modeling, he's pursuing her.
She's not sure she has what it takes to model, but finds that it's fun and eventually lucrative. Additionally, the modeling world, even in Utah, provides access to an exciting world and culture unlike her sheltered upbringing. That's the opening for conflict in the story, along with Michelle's desire to get an education and make something of herself rather than marry young and start popping out babies.
Personally, I remember that ambition, but it was hard to tap into while reading, because my ambitions have since changed dramatically. It was the big 80s -- hair was big, shoulder pads were big... careers were big. I too, wanted to have a career and then have babies, preferably with a man who was going to be Mr. Mom to my Diane Keaton/ Baby Boom character. Now, in my old age (okay, it's just middle age) I'm screaming at Michelle's character... "TAKE THE MAN! TAKE THE WONDERFUL, COMMITTED, GORGEOUS, FAITHFUL MAN!!! You'll never find one of these again! You're lucky to have found him at all!!!"
All the same, I enjoyed every page of the book, even when yelling at the main character.
My only negative issue is that while the book was set in the 1980s the author sometimes makes references that don't fit the time period - for example, name-dropping designers who weren't household names until much later... and referring to skinny jeans, which is a 2010-present reference. In the 80s, everybody's jeans (with the exception of mom jeans) were tight enough to cut off circulation, they were called Levi's 501's! And who knows, in the fashion world, perhaps those designer names were up-and-coming to those in the know.
Even so, that's rather picky of me, considering the book wasn't written as a period piece. But, in the interest of full disclosure, I'm the kind of person that gets irritated when the characters on Downton Abbey utter terms outside of the colloquialisms of their era. Other people don't even notice, but it's a bugaboo of mine!
The final verdict is, Agency is a fun, interesting read. There's enough drama and a touch of suspense wondering how her career is going to go versus how her relationship is going to go... with plenty of tension in other relationships due to Michelle's moody nature.
There is also a thread explaining the LDS faith and culture where it factors in, dispelling myths.
You can learn more about the book and the writing process from the author, Shantal Hiatt here and here. And buy the book here!
Congratulations Shantal! Great job!
Funny how this blog world works... I'm connected to the author of this book through one bloggy friend, Erin Annie - and one real life friend, the author's sister Keli! (Erin Annie is a real life friend now too!)
So, it's not too awkward that I won a free copy of the book from Erin Annie's blog give-away is it?
I don't care. I love free stuff. I love good books. And I love any mutual friend of my friends, real life, bloggy or otherwise!
This is a fiction based on reality. Semi-autobiographical?
Shantal was a fashion model in her college years and I'm guessing into her 20s, perhaps beyond. What we all typically think of as a glamorous career, tended to conflict with the beliefs of her Mormon (LDS) upbringing.
In Agency, the story is lifted from her actual experience, but because it is fiction she can take some liberties, maybe add some juicy details and probably tell some stories that she might not otherwise tell!
If that's not intriguing enough to pique your interest... well then, you're nothing like me.
I loved reading it just for the ability to wonder what was truth and what was fiction!!
The book tells the story of fictional Michelle Campbell, a smart, beautiful college girl working her way through school in the late 1980s. A mentor suggests modeling as a way to earn money for college.
It's the sort of story I like to immerse myself in. I become the main character for a week or two - so when I read a chapter or two before bedtime, I became a young beauty who turns heads, and attracts the terribly attractive, godly man I've been looking for my whole life! All the while she's pursuing modeling, he's pursuing her.
She's not sure she has what it takes to model, but finds that it's fun and eventually lucrative. Additionally, the modeling world, even in Utah, provides access to an exciting world and culture unlike her sheltered upbringing. That's the opening for conflict in the story, along with Michelle's desire to get an education and make something of herself rather than marry young and start popping out babies.
Personally, I remember that ambition, but it was hard to tap into while reading, because my ambitions have since changed dramatically. It was the big 80s -- hair was big, shoulder pads were big... careers were big. I too, wanted to have a career and then have babies, preferably with a man who was going to be Mr. Mom to my Diane Keaton/ Baby Boom character. Now, in my old age (okay, it's just middle age) I'm screaming at Michelle's character... "TAKE THE MAN! TAKE THE WONDERFUL, COMMITTED, GORGEOUS, FAITHFUL MAN!!! You'll never find one of these again! You're lucky to have found him at all!!!"
All the same, I enjoyed every page of the book, even when yelling at the main character.
My only negative issue is that while the book was set in the 1980s the author sometimes makes references that don't fit the time period - for example, name-dropping designers who weren't household names until much later... and referring to skinny jeans, which is a 2010-present reference. In the 80s, everybody's jeans (with the exception of mom jeans) were tight enough to cut off circulation, they were called Levi's 501's! And who knows, in the fashion world, perhaps those designer names were up-and-coming to those in the know.
Even so, that's rather picky of me, considering the book wasn't written as a period piece. But, in the interest of full disclosure, I'm the kind of person that gets irritated when the characters on Downton Abbey utter terms outside of the colloquialisms of their era. Other people don't even notice, but it's a bugaboo of mine!
The final verdict is, Agency is a fun, interesting read. There's enough drama and a touch of suspense wondering how her career is going to go versus how her relationship is going to go... with plenty of tension in other relationships due to Michelle's moody nature.
There is also a thread explaining the LDS faith and culture where it factors in, dispelling myths.
You can learn more about the book and the writing process from the author, Shantal Hiatt here and here. And buy the book here!
Congratulations Shantal! Great job!
Monday, April 02, 2012
A Little Bit of Laughter in My Life
Okay, it's been four dates with Mr.... ah... Mr... hmm guess I'll call him Mr. Accent for now. Because his accent just makes me smile. Heck, it's not even that, he makes me smile and I think everything he does is cute... but when I remember it all I hear it in his accent.
It really ought to be more than four dates by now, but we have opposite work schedules and by opposite... I work during the day Monday through Friday and he works at night including weekend nights. That combined with when he has his kids, we can only see each other on Saturdays. And we've had to skip two Saturdays due to scheduling conflicts. Yeesh.
I really don't know if this could be a lasting relationship or not. Seriously, my dad would roll over in his grave knowing I'm dating a 'foreigner'!!
But the honest truth is, I haven't had this much fun dating anyone in a really long time.
When we hang out, it's all joking and teasing each other, sharing stories and laughing.
The highlight for me so far, last Friday we were texting to arrange our Saturday date. Once we were settled, he shot me one more text saying, "I want to hear you laugh."
Can I tell you, those were the sweetest words, which got a big smile from me. See, I have what some people call an obnoxious laugh. Those are the people who don't like me. I know a true friend right away, when someone says they like my laugh. There is no in between - you either love it or hate it! (In fact, even Mr. Burns had a shaky relationship with my laugh - you know, I laugh, he rolls his eyes. There's a clue.) But Mr. Accent can't wait to make me laugh just so he can hear it.
10,000 points for Mr. Accent!
It probably helps that we share the same sense of humor. Which I find remarkable considering we grew up on separate continents!
In fact, we share another idiosyncrasy that has to do with memory. I tend to word-associate. If I'm trying to think of A... I need to remember B in order to remember A. He was trying to tell me what town something was in, and named a town to the north, telling me that wasn't it. At first I couldn't imagine what town he was thinking of... then he said, "It has to do with the town ______." which is a town to the east. I immediately said the name of the town he meant, which is actually opposite... to the west! And we both knew how we knew! Because when you want to get on the interstate to go either east or west, the sign for the exit lists both of those towns. So if you mean C, say D.
Oh well, that was probably boring for you. But the gist of the story is, I'm really enjoying getting to know Mr. Accent. But with so little time together, it's been hard to get to know more about him. Since he's generally awake when I'm asleep, and visa versa, we don't chat on the phone. And if we're awake at the same time, he has his kids who are small and need his attention. Any advice there?
It really ought to be more than four dates by now, but we have opposite work schedules and by opposite... I work during the day Monday through Friday and he works at night including weekend nights. That combined with when he has his kids, we can only see each other on Saturdays. And we've had to skip two Saturdays due to scheduling conflicts. Yeesh.
I really don't know if this could be a lasting relationship or not. Seriously, my dad would roll over in his grave knowing I'm dating a 'foreigner'!!
But the honest truth is, I haven't had this much fun dating anyone in a really long time.
When we hang out, it's all joking and teasing each other, sharing stories and laughing.
The highlight for me so far, last Friday we were texting to arrange our Saturday date. Once we were settled, he shot me one more text saying, "I want to hear you laugh."
Can I tell you, those were the sweetest words, which got a big smile from me. See, I have what some people call an obnoxious laugh. Those are the people who don't like me. I know a true friend right away, when someone says they like my laugh. There is no in between - you either love it or hate it! (In fact, even Mr. Burns had a shaky relationship with my laugh - you know, I laugh, he rolls his eyes. There's a clue.) But Mr. Accent can't wait to make me laugh just so he can hear it.
10,000 points for Mr. Accent!
It probably helps that we share the same sense of humor. Which I find remarkable considering we grew up on separate continents!
In fact, we share another idiosyncrasy that has to do with memory. I tend to word-associate. If I'm trying to think of A... I need to remember B in order to remember A. He was trying to tell me what town something was in, and named a town to the north, telling me that wasn't it. At first I couldn't imagine what town he was thinking of... then he said, "It has to do with the town ______." which is a town to the east. I immediately said the name of the town he meant, which is actually opposite... to the west! And we both knew how we knew! Because when you want to get on the interstate to go either east or west, the sign for the exit lists both of those towns. So if you mean C, say D.
Oh well, that was probably boring for you. But the gist of the story is, I'm really enjoying getting to know Mr. Accent. But with so little time together, it's been hard to get to know more about him. Since he's generally awake when I'm asleep, and visa versa, we don't chat on the phone. And if we're awake at the same time, he has his kids who are small and need his attention. Any advice there?
Saturday, March 24, 2012
There Is No Pleasing Me
This year, I'm making an effort to spend more time with Jesus.
Every Thursday, I go to Eucharistic Adoration and just sit with the Lord.
It's an interesting experience, and being that I'm lousy at prayer, I sometimes sit and read a devotional (there are some lovely writings out there to reflect on) and sometimes I just sit and go through my stream of consciousness with my Jesus. I let Him know what is on my mind, who I'm thinking of, and prayers I want to share but honestly don't make time for throughout the rest of the week.
So at last week's visit, as I shared my stream of consciousness with my savior, I asked Him why there weren't more Godly men in the world, in MY world. Why, Dear Jesus, can't there be a man for me who just turns up at Mass or even Eucharistic Adoration, and is brave enough to talk to me as I walk out?
This expectation is similar to my consternation that the airlines can't arrange for an attractive, available single man to be my seat mate every time I get on a plane! Never happens. It's always some old dude, or someone with a wedding ring! Then I'm perplexed that the man next to me wearing a wedding ring doesn't start thinking of the loads of single men he knows to introduce to me! Why, he ought to be texting an eligible friend to meet him at baggage claim at our destination, to meet me, before our plane even takes off!
But I digress.
As I finish my time with the Lord, I get up, genuflect, and walk to the back of the chapel to leave. As I do, the man that I saw in the back gets up to leave too.
He stops me in the entryway (outside of the chapel) and asks me in very broken English where I work. That's an odd opener, but I give him a vague answer. I have an even harder time understanding him ask if I've ever had a stone massage. Again, a very odd segue but massage is one of my favorite things, so I engage.
All the while he is struggling to make conversation, I'm growing increasingly uncomfortable. Turns out he's a massage therapist and he hands me his card. I use the opportunity to rave about my current massage therapist so that he gets the idea that I'm not going to call him.
We walk outside together and I hustle to my car, tossing a 'nice to meet you' over my shoulder.
Then I think, "God, You're not really putting an odd, hairy, little guy that I can't even understand in my path when I ask why You can't just place a good eligible, faithful man in the same church I'm asking the question... are You?"
If so, I guess there just is no pleasing me!
Every Thursday, I go to Eucharistic Adoration and just sit with the Lord.
It's an interesting experience, and being that I'm lousy at prayer, I sometimes sit and read a devotional (there are some lovely writings out there to reflect on) and sometimes I just sit and go through my stream of consciousness with my Jesus. I let Him know what is on my mind, who I'm thinking of, and prayers I want to share but honestly don't make time for throughout the rest of the week.
So at last week's visit, as I shared my stream of consciousness with my savior, I asked Him why there weren't more Godly men in the world, in MY world. Why, Dear Jesus, can't there be a man for me who just turns up at Mass or even Eucharistic Adoration, and is brave enough to talk to me as I walk out?
This expectation is similar to my consternation that the airlines can't arrange for an attractive, available single man to be my seat mate every time I get on a plane! Never happens. It's always some old dude, or someone with a wedding ring! Then I'm perplexed that the man next to me wearing a wedding ring doesn't start thinking of the loads of single men he knows to introduce to me! Why, he ought to be texting an eligible friend to meet him at baggage claim at our destination, to meet me, before our plane even takes off!
But I digress.
As I finish my time with the Lord, I get up, genuflect, and walk to the back of the chapel to leave. As I do, the man that I saw in the back gets up to leave too.
He stops me in the entryway (outside of the chapel) and asks me in very broken English where I work. That's an odd opener, but I give him a vague answer. I have an even harder time understanding him ask if I've ever had a stone massage. Again, a very odd segue but massage is one of my favorite things, so I engage.
All the while he is struggling to make conversation, I'm growing increasingly uncomfortable. Turns out he's a massage therapist and he hands me his card. I use the opportunity to rave about my current massage therapist so that he gets the idea that I'm not going to call him.
We walk outside together and I hustle to my car, tossing a 'nice to meet you' over my shoulder.
Then I think, "God, You're not really putting an odd, hairy, little guy that I can't even understand in my path when I ask why You can't just place a good eligible, faithful man in the same church I'm asking the question... are You?"
If so, I guess there just is no pleasing me!
Friday, March 16, 2012
A Man With A Plan
I have a second date. Doesn't seem like that should warrant an announcement... but let's face it. It does.
Too soon to know how I feel about this guy except for the fact that I most certainly had fun with him when I first met him.
What I do like, REALLY like, is that he's a man with a plan. As we were planning our first meeting, he told me when we should meet and presented me with three options for our date. Three options! Not just options... but three very active, very fun options. All I had to do was pick!
For our second date, he told me where he wanted to take me and once we could agree on a schedule he told me which movie we were going to see.
I was a bit surprised to realize that I loved that!
On one hand, we might like to think that we don't a man to make decisions for us. That's true in some cases. But on the other hand, the take-charge element is very attractive.
Considering the reasoning for some time, I eventually realized that I appreciate it because... as a woman who has been single My. Whole. Life., every decision that has ever needed to be made has been made by me and by only me for the past 20+ years! How refreshing to have someone make a decision and all I have to do is show up!!
Ahhh!
It also reminded me of a past relationship in which my guy was always asking me to plan what to do and where to go.
On the surface, it seems thoughtful that he wants my opinion. In reality, it was simply more proof that he couldn't commit to anything! Worse yet, it relieved him of any responsibility. If we didn't enjoy it, if we didn't like the food.... he was off the hook and if blame were to be assigned... well, guess who he can blame?
Upon further consideration, it was a bit of a manipulation. Not only was he not responsible for any plans, and relieved of culpability... it was a ruse for acting like my opinion was valued - but became transparent when my suggestion was dismissed as something we would not both enjoy.
As that relationship ended, I became more vocal about my displeasure.
Me: "Geez, I wish you could make a decision once in a while!"
Him (defensively) : "I didn't know I was failing so badly at that."
Me: "Why would I care where we eat?! Due my food restrictions, there's only two dishes at any given restaurant that I can have. What the heck do I care? A salad is a salad anywhere! When I DO state a preference, you shoot it down."
So, this new guy, who makes plans with the intention of just getting know me, and to delight me? Yeah, that's pretty cool. And I told him so.
(Among other things revealed on our second date, was that he hasn't dated much in quite a while. I think that actually plays a part in it. It males him a little more old-fashioned about it.)
Too soon to know how I feel about this guy except for the fact that I most certainly had fun with him when I first met him.
What I do like, REALLY like, is that he's a man with a plan. As we were planning our first meeting, he told me when we should meet and presented me with three options for our date. Three options! Not just options... but three very active, very fun options. All I had to do was pick!
For our second date, he told me where he wanted to take me and once we could agree on a schedule he told me which movie we were going to see.
I was a bit surprised to realize that I loved that!
On one hand, we might like to think that we don't a man to make decisions for us. That's true in some cases. But on the other hand, the take-charge element is very attractive.
Considering the reasoning for some time, I eventually realized that I appreciate it because... as a woman who has been single My. Whole. Life., every decision that has ever needed to be made has been made by me and by only me for the past 20+ years! How refreshing to have someone make a decision and all I have to do is show up!!
Ahhh!
It also reminded me of a past relationship in which my guy was always asking me to plan what to do and where to go.
On the surface, it seems thoughtful that he wants my opinion. In reality, it was simply more proof that he couldn't commit to anything! Worse yet, it relieved him of any responsibility. If we didn't enjoy it, if we didn't like the food.... he was off the hook and if blame were to be assigned... well, guess who he can blame?
Upon further consideration, it was a bit of a manipulation. Not only was he not responsible for any plans, and relieved of culpability... it was a ruse for acting like my opinion was valued - but became transparent when my suggestion was dismissed as something we would not both enjoy.
As that relationship ended, I became more vocal about my displeasure.
Me: "Geez, I wish you could make a decision once in a while!"
Him (defensively) : "I didn't know I was failing so badly at that."
Me: "Why would I care where we eat?! Due my food restrictions, there's only two dishes at any given restaurant that I can have. What the heck do I care? A salad is a salad anywhere! When I DO state a preference, you shoot it down."
So, this new guy, who makes plans with the intention of just getting know me, and to delight me? Yeah, that's pretty cool. And I told him so.
(Among other things revealed on our second date, was that he hasn't dated much in quite a while. I think that actually plays a part in it. It males him a little more old-fashioned about it.)
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
My Life As A Baggage Handler
One of the most unfortunate things about dating as an adult (obviously our 20s don't count) is dealing with baggage.
His baggage. Her baggage. Single for 40 years baggage. Recently divorced baggage.
It's particularly difficult when the people involved want to be honest and forthright. I mean, let's be real, it comes up. What's the best way to handle it?
I think the easy answer is, "Not on the first date!"
I recently met a nice man, exactly my age, whom I got to know on a dating site. He's divorced with a child in grade school. I was excited that he's a serious Catholic and a family man.
We met for coffee, and conversation flowed naturally. But, before I knew it he was telling me about the difficulties, nay complications, of his divorce! Horrible accusations made by his wife regarding the well-being of their child. The sort of thing that you hope no man is capable of. And although he asserted his innocence and told me that he had been cleared of the accusations... I am still left to wonder what the truth is. Was he innocent or did he just have the better attorney?
See. The thing is, I don't know him well enough to judge his character or determine his honesty. At this point, he had even robbed me of that luxury.
In addition, he told me about something he had engaged in while in the military. Something I am sure many of our troops engage in, when they find themselves in countries where it's common. Something I would hope my husband would never participate in, before or after me. But there it is.
Would I have accepted this as part of his past if I had been given a chance to grow to love him?
Maybe. Maybe not.
In his defense, he said he felt he should put all this upfront, rather than date for a few months and find out it's a deal breaker.
I see his point. But my point is - give me a chance to get to know you and like you before you ask me to carry your baggage.
At the airport, once you've passed security - they remind you not to leave your bag with anyone you don't know - and not to accept items from people you don't know. They have your safety and security in mind.
Quite frankly, upon a first meeting we don't know one another well enough to even watch the other's bags while they go to the restroom!
What he did was like asking me to take his baggage before even clearing security.
At least then I could be confident there were no explosives or weapons.
His baggage. Her baggage. Single for 40 years baggage. Recently divorced baggage.
It's particularly difficult when the people involved want to be honest and forthright. I mean, let's be real, it comes up. What's the best way to handle it?
I think the easy answer is, "Not on the first date!"
I recently met a nice man, exactly my age, whom I got to know on a dating site. He's divorced with a child in grade school. I was excited that he's a serious Catholic and a family man.
We met for coffee, and conversation flowed naturally. But, before I knew it he was telling me about the difficulties, nay complications, of his divorce! Horrible accusations made by his wife regarding the well-being of their child. The sort of thing that you hope no man is capable of. And although he asserted his innocence and told me that he had been cleared of the accusations... I am still left to wonder what the truth is. Was he innocent or did he just have the better attorney?
See. The thing is, I don't know him well enough to judge his character or determine his honesty. At this point, he had even robbed me of that luxury.
In addition, he told me about something he had engaged in while in the military. Something I am sure many of our troops engage in, when they find themselves in countries where it's common. Something I would hope my husband would never participate in, before or after me. But there it is.
Would I have accepted this as part of his past if I had been given a chance to grow to love him?
Maybe. Maybe not.
In his defense, he said he felt he should put all this upfront, rather than date for a few months and find out it's a deal breaker.
I see his point. But my point is - give me a chance to get to know you and like you before you ask me to carry your baggage.
At the airport, once you've passed security - they remind you not to leave your bag with anyone you don't know - and not to accept items from people you don't know. They have your safety and security in mind.
Quite frankly, upon a first meeting we don't know one another well enough to even watch the other's bags while they go to the restroom!
What he did was like asking me to take his baggage before even clearing security.
At least then I could be confident there were no explosives or weapons.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
What Do Single People Need from the Church?
Oh, so many things I want to write about and share with you... my bloggy friends.
My apologizies for the recent neglect of this blog.
However, of all the things I would like to address here... this blog/column from the National Catholic Register hits so many points... especially in the comments section!
I feel like I just want everyone to read it!
What Do Single People Need from the Church
Would you?
And if you would be so kind, come back here and share your thoughts.
and if so, kindly discern your age range and religious affiliation.
(have something up my sleeve that we should all enjoy)
Thanks, and Happy Post Singles Awareness Day!!!
My apologizies for the recent neglect of this blog.
However, of all the things I would like to address here... this blog/column from the National Catholic Register hits so many points... especially in the comments section!
I feel like I just want everyone to read it!
What Do Single People Need from the Church
Would you?
And if you would be so kind, come back here and share your thoughts.
and if so, kindly discern your age range and religious affiliation.
(have something up my sleeve that we should all enjoy)
Thanks, and Happy Post Singles Awareness Day!!!
Thursday, February 02, 2012
Then They Came For Me
I really want to write about the controversy over the mandated contraception and sterilization ruling as determined by Health and Human Services - but I'm a bit overwhelmed by my rage over the situation.
(Which really frustrates me because I want to be timely) Partly, I feel like I just can't articulate my thoughts on the subject as well as I would like - and the other part is, I'm just so tired.
Here's the nutshell. The O-God-Help-Us Administration has ruled that every employer in America, including Catholic institutions, must provide contraception, sterilization and abortion-inducing drugs in their company health plans. Even if doing so violates their conscious. (it does).
Set aside for a moment that this is about contraception. Not everyone is ever going to agree with the Church's position on contraception, so let's not argue about that. What this is REALLY about is religious freedom. Bishop Timothy Dolan, President of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops says it best in the video link which I have partially quoted below;
Even if you're not Catholic... if you believe in God and seek to serve Him at all... you should be concerned about this ruling. Because, if it stands, your beliefs are next.
A few months ago I said that our government was going to set out to destroy religious freedom. I predicted that they would go after Mormonism first, and the Catholics would be next. Seems the attention has flipped. You should know that I would gladly stand in defense of my Mormon friends should their fundamental beliefs be under attack.
I'm taking a bit of the easy way out here... and I'm going to link to some already well-written pieces about it. Hopefully I can dig up some writing inspiration in the next few days and come back to this post and do better.
Here is my area Bishop's thoughts on the ruling.
The Bad Catholic hit a home run as usual with his Open Letter to President O-God-Help-Us Concerning Recent Tyranny
We could only hope this unconstitutional ruling will be overturned.
And lastly, I ask for your help to write to the president and to your state representatives to repeal this ruling. I'm asking all of you Protestants out there who recognize this as an attack on religious freedom, to stand with your Catholic friends against this. If you need further convincing, please read Shoved to Them's Call to Arms. She provides links to contacts. If you would like a form letter to work from, contact me at Singlesolitarythings@yahoo.com, and I will send you a letter composed by a friend of mine.
Thank you for letting me address this. You know that I don't set out to preach on this blog, but our religious freedom is too precious to ignore.
This quote from Martin Niemoller, a foe of Hitler and Nazi rule is sounding quite relevant in our modern times, isn't it?
image above borrowed from National Catholic Register
Here's the nutshell. The O-God-Help-Us Administration has ruled that every employer in America, including Catholic institutions, must provide contraception, sterilization and abortion-inducing drugs in their company health plans. Even if doing so violates their conscious. (it does).
Set aside for a moment that this is about contraception. Not everyone is ever going to agree with the Church's position on contraception, so let's not argue about that. What this is REALLY about is religious freedom. Bishop Timothy Dolan, President of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops says it best in the video link which I have partially quoted below;
"Never before has the Federal Government forced individuals and organizations to go out into the marketplace and buy a product that violates their conscience. This shouldn't happen in a land where free exercise of religion ranks first in the bill of rights. How about letting our elected leaders know we want religious liberty and rights of conscience restored."This ruling is a direct, obvious and blatant violation of the first amendment which states that Congress shall make no law prohibiting the free exercise of religion.
Even if you're not Catholic... if you believe in God and seek to serve Him at all... you should be concerned about this ruling. Because, if it stands, your beliefs are next.
A few months ago I said that our government was going to set out to destroy religious freedom. I predicted that they would go after Mormonism first, and the Catholics would be next. Seems the attention has flipped. You should know that I would gladly stand in defense of my Mormon friends should their fundamental beliefs be under attack.
I'm taking a bit of the easy way out here... and I'm going to link to some already well-written pieces about it. Hopefully I can dig up some writing inspiration in the next few days and come back to this post and do better.
Here is my area Bishop's thoughts on the ruling.
The Bad Catholic hit a home run as usual with his Open Letter to President O-God-Help-Us Concerning Recent Tyranny
We could only hope this unconstitutional ruling will be overturned.
And lastly, I ask for your help to write to the president and to your state representatives to repeal this ruling. I'm asking all of you Protestants out there who recognize this as an attack on religious freedom, to stand with your Catholic friends against this. If you need further convincing, please read Shoved to Them's Call to Arms. She provides links to contacts. If you would like a form letter to work from, contact me at Singlesolitarythings@yahoo.com, and I will send you a letter composed by a friend of mine.
Thank you for letting me address this. You know that I don't set out to preach on this blog, but our religious freedom is too precious to ignore.
This quote from Martin Niemoller, a foe of Hitler and Nazi rule is sounding quite relevant in our modern times, isn't it?
First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out -
Because I was not a Socialist.
Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out -
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out -
Because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for me -
and there was no one left to speak for me.
image above borrowed from National Catholic Register
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Economic Impact
Last night I made an effort to watch the St@te of the Uni*n address. I think the fact that I fell asleep through the better part of it is irrelevant... I was tired.
So, although I heard him address unemployment, and assume he tackled the economy while I napped - I can't be sure if he tied them together appropriately... the tragic result of the insane unemployment rate combined with the cruddy economy equals something even the smartest pundits and candidates have yet to comprehend.... it's absolutely killing dating!
I'm not kidding.
Either I am especially attracting men who are underemployed or unemployed, or it IS an epidemic. Or both. (I think both.)
Part of the attraction may be the fact that I've suffered through both unemployment and underemployment myself and I know what a blow to the ego it is. If it broke me emotionally, just imagine what it does to men.
Men who have been raised and trained to understand that they need to have good jobs, make money, climb the ladder - they've been told that women expect it (somehow at the same time the feminists were hollering about women not needing men - thanks crazies!)
Based on a basic understanding of sociology and my own experience, I understand that men have a very difficult time even trying to date while suffering the blow to the ego that is working a job beneath their experience level and or pay grade. They feel like less of a man, which they shouldn't - legitimate unemployment (especially in this day and age) should not be considered a mark against one's character. It happens to the best of us. It happens to all of us. (it really does, if it hasn't happened to you yet - you're lucky lucky lucky!)
More importantly, it's impacting MY dating life.
Sweet Mr. Hometown Boy had his job cut to part-time months before we met. He took on a part-time retail job to compensate but of course it doesn't make up the difference. He is stressed, and a little embarrassed and we can't make a date because he feels he must take the random extra hours he's offered when someone else blows off their shift. He's responsible like that.
Here's the one guy in MONTHS - almost a year's worth of them, that I actually like, am actually attracted to and makes me laugh with his goofy-like-me sense of humor... and after many lengthy, enjoyable phone calls (after our first date) I don't think he's going call again. He's too stressed out by his financial problems and his employment status to properly date. Even though he knows I understand and do not judge him.
When a man feels like less of a man, he just doesn't have it in him to woo a lady, no matter how interested he is - and especially if he's interested.
And Hometown Boy isn't the only one, McTwitchy suffered the same affliction... and a few years back there was a very handsome guy I had a crush on who was working at the local hardware store while between jobs in a very lucrative field. I ran into him a year ago, and he finally explained about it - but still didn't ask me out! Bah!
This is why our government really has to take unemployment seriously!
It's impacting my dating life. And that's just wrong.
So, although I heard him address unemployment, and assume he tackled the economy while I napped - I can't be sure if he tied them together appropriately... the tragic result of the insane unemployment rate combined with the cruddy economy equals something even the smartest pundits and candidates have yet to comprehend.... it's absolutely killing dating!
I'm not kidding.
Either I am especially attracting men who are underemployed or unemployed, or it IS an epidemic. Or both. (I think both.)
Part of the attraction may be the fact that I've suffered through both unemployment and underemployment myself and I know what a blow to the ego it is. If it broke me emotionally, just imagine what it does to men.
Men who have been raised and trained to understand that they need to have good jobs, make money, climb the ladder - they've been told that women expect it (somehow at the same time the feminists were hollering about women not needing men - thanks crazies!)
Based on a basic understanding of sociology and my own experience, I understand that men have a very difficult time even trying to date while suffering the blow to the ego that is working a job beneath their experience level and or pay grade. They feel like less of a man, which they shouldn't - legitimate unemployment (especially in this day and age) should not be considered a mark against one's character. It happens to the best of us. It happens to all of us. (it really does, if it hasn't happened to you yet - you're lucky lucky lucky!)
More importantly, it's impacting MY dating life.
Sweet Mr. Hometown Boy had his job cut to part-time months before we met. He took on a part-time retail job to compensate but of course it doesn't make up the difference. He is stressed, and a little embarrassed and we can't make a date because he feels he must take the random extra hours he's offered when someone else blows off their shift. He's responsible like that.
Here's the one guy in MONTHS - almost a year's worth of them, that I actually like, am actually attracted to and makes me laugh with his goofy-like-me sense of humor... and after many lengthy, enjoyable phone calls (after our first date) I don't think he's going call again. He's too stressed out by his financial problems and his employment status to properly date. Even though he knows I understand and do not judge him.
When a man feels like less of a man, he just doesn't have it in him to woo a lady, no matter how interested he is - and especially if he's interested.
And Hometown Boy isn't the only one, McTwitchy suffered the same affliction... and a few years back there was a very handsome guy I had a crush on who was working at the local hardware store while between jobs in a very lucrative field. I ran into him a year ago, and he finally explained about it - but still didn't ask me out! Bah!
This is why our government really has to take unemployment seriously!
It's impacting my dating life. And that's just wrong.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Online Weeding ... er .... Dating
It occurs to me that as much as we all are different... we all expect different things in online dating.
I have a friend who is much younger - early to mid 20s - who is annoyed that guys send her messages through the online dating service. She thinks that if they are interested they should just call her.
Now, I would be creeped out of my mind to get an unexpected phone call from some random guy who only knows I exist because of my online profile! So I encourage her to respond to their inquiries and move forward from there.
On the plane back home from Christmas vacation, I sat next to a nice young man, and our conversation turned to our experiences in online dating. I told him that I realized it's more complicated than it seems, because I make a lot of snap decisions based on profile pictures.
If the only pictures they have are self-portriats in the bathroom mirror - I pass. It tells me he doesn't have any friends. That he hasn't even been to a party or a wedding in the past two years!
"The only thing worse," I said, "are the guys who take their picture in the bathroom mirror..." "...with their shirts off!" my seat mate finished for me, agreeing. They are looking for hook ups, and have little more than their abs to offer, I concluded.
I recently met a guy from my last dating site who told me that his strategy is to just contact the women who are online while he is online. I found that very odd, and told him that when men IM me while I'm online, I tend to assume they're looking for a hook-up/booty call - and I ignore them.
So, OH MY WORD! If there are these sorts of miscommunications, misunderstandings and mixed signals how on earth does anyone ever meet?!??!
I nearly missed meeting Hometown boy because he wasn't up for making conversation via the dating site email. I'm typically frustrated that many men want to get right to meeting or right to the phone calls. It feels, to me, like they're rushing it. I want to know that we have something in common, that he can carry on a conversation... before I go to all the trouble of picking out an outfit and fixing my hair and makeup to go on a meeting date! I guess I want some guarantee of success! Or I'm just lazy!
With Hometown boy, I noticed his resistance and was slightly annoyed. I thought I'd help him out by asking him questions (via email) about some things we had in common. He later told me that he felt like I was putting him on the spot. I finally understood his perspective when we had our first phone conversation, and it took him a while to warm up but once he was comfortable - we were clicking pretty well.
Because I am a communicator by nature, a writer, a talker and a reader... I sort of expect everyone to operate the same as I do. Hometown boy made me realize differently.
Another man who wanted to meet without, what I considered, a suitable initial email exchange, responded back rather gruffly that he wasn't looking for a pen pal.
Still another wanted to meet without an introductory phone call - which goes against my not meeting ex-cons rule (I'm looking for the link to that story) and I finally said good riddance to him.
Oh, and the anti-pen pal guy also took issue with what he called my lengthy profile writing (which, by the way, wasn't any longer than his - the difference being that I provided information about my values and interests and he instead, logged a series of one-liners) which leads us to the assumption that "Nobody Reads the Profiles Anyway."
I read the profiles. Of course I do.
And if he says he's separated, not divorced... I delete.
If he says he's spiritual but not religious... I delete.
Let's do a little informal survey here... and tell me what conclusions you draw about certain actions.
I'm thinking of doing a series of posts that we could share with men - to open communication and to perhaps make it easier on all of us.
I have a friend who is much younger - early to mid 20s - who is annoyed that guys send her messages through the online dating service. She thinks that if they are interested they should just call her.
Now, I would be creeped out of my mind to get an unexpected phone call from some random guy who only knows I exist because of my online profile! So I encourage her to respond to their inquiries and move forward from there.
On the plane back home from Christmas vacation, I sat next to a nice young man, and our conversation turned to our experiences in online dating. I told him that I realized it's more complicated than it seems, because I make a lot of snap decisions based on profile pictures.
If the only pictures they have are self-portriats in the bathroom mirror - I pass. It tells me he doesn't have any friends. That he hasn't even been to a party or a wedding in the past two years!
"The only thing worse," I said, "are the guys who take their picture in the bathroom mirror..." "...with their shirts off!" my seat mate finished for me, agreeing. They are looking for hook ups, and have little more than their abs to offer, I concluded.
I recently met a guy from my last dating site who told me that his strategy is to just contact the women who are online while he is online. I found that very odd, and told him that when men IM me while I'm online, I tend to assume they're looking for a hook-up/booty call - and I ignore them.
So, OH MY WORD! If there are these sorts of miscommunications, misunderstandings and mixed signals how on earth does anyone ever meet?!??!
I nearly missed meeting Hometown boy because he wasn't up for making conversation via the dating site email. I'm typically frustrated that many men want to get right to meeting or right to the phone calls. It feels, to me, like they're rushing it. I want to know that we have something in common, that he can carry on a conversation... before I go to all the trouble of picking out an outfit and fixing my hair and makeup to go on a meeting date! I guess I want some guarantee of success! Or I'm just lazy!
With Hometown boy, I noticed his resistance and was slightly annoyed. I thought I'd help him out by asking him questions (via email) about some things we had in common. He later told me that he felt like I was putting him on the spot. I finally understood his perspective when we had our first phone conversation, and it took him a while to warm up but once he was comfortable - we were clicking pretty well.
Because I am a communicator by nature, a writer, a talker and a reader... I sort of expect everyone to operate the same as I do. Hometown boy made me realize differently.
Another man who wanted to meet without, what I considered, a suitable initial email exchange, responded back rather gruffly that he wasn't looking for a pen pal.
Still another wanted to meet without an introductory phone call - which goes against my not meeting ex-cons rule (I'm looking for the link to that story) and I finally said good riddance to him.
Oh, and the anti-pen pal guy also took issue with what he called my lengthy profile writing (which, by the way, wasn't any longer than his - the difference being that I provided information about my values and interests and he instead, logged a series of one-liners) which leads us to the assumption that "Nobody Reads the Profiles Anyway."
I read the profiles. Of course I do.
And if he says he's separated, not divorced... I delete.
If he says he's spiritual but not religious... I delete.
Let's do a little informal survey here... and tell me what conclusions you draw about certain actions.
I'm thinking of doing a series of posts that we could share with men - to open communication and to perhaps make it easier on all of us.
Monday, January 09, 2012
In Defense of Tim Tebow
Whew, this is long. My apologies in advance.
I'm about as far from a football fan as you could imagine. I just barely understand the game. The finer details of the sport are lost on me - but I get the gist.
These season though, I've been a bit more interested. I give the credit to my interest to Bronco's quarterback Tim Tebow. I couldn't ignore it if I wanted to. There are articles upon articles about why people love him or hate him. About his fourth quarter comebacks, his wild throwing style (or something - I don't even know what that means!) And obviously about how he wears his faith on his sleeve.
But because I live in Denver, home of the Broncos, the topic of Tebow comes up a lot. The men I meet tell me what they think about him, and ask my opinion. Kind of like a religious litmus test.
One date told me, in the first 12 minutes of my meeting him, "I love Tim Tebow. He's great, heck I'd marry the guy! But I don't like all his religious posturing."
Another date was more blunt. "I hate Tim Tebow. I don't understand why he gets so much attention." he continued, pointing out more details of the Tebow effect.
It's obvious to me that those who dislike him are bothered by his outward signs of his faith in God.
At the start of any interview, he thanks his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
This REALLY bothers people.
Some point out that they think it's silly to think that God cares about a football game.
This action seems to have taken the place of his making the sign of the cross, for which he also took heat. The critics even nag about him pointing skyward (which really only looks like the "Number One" sign.)
Another guy I met complained that Tebow is using these gestures to look pious and get attention.
A few years back there was a lot of discussion about NFL players showboating in the end zone after a touchdown. Silly, funky little dances, sometimes amounting to beating their chests like primitive man slaying a wooly mammoth for food. I've never liked excessive celebration in sports, although I think a little happy jig never hurt anybody. (I partake in the occasional happy dance myself, thanks.)
Excessive celebration, on the other hand, amounts to grabbing the glory. Making the touchdown should be enough. Punctuating it with a fist pump or a big smile is fine, but when a player beats his chest and points to himself in celebration, it is, to me all about the glory. I think it's ugly to focus the glory on oneself. By pointing heavenward, I see Tebow making a small gesture that gives the glory to God - which I think is much more appropriate.
So when people get all spun up and complain that Tim Tebow shouldn't be bringing God to the NFL football field, I point out that everyone's okay with another player taking the glory for himself, but giving the glory to God is frowned upon? That is messed up.
It shows what a religious-phobic society ours has become. (just look to the current presidential campaign for more proof.)
If Tim Tebow is held out as an example of a godly man (and I don't know that he is - I only know what I've read.) and can show our phobic society that religion doesn't make one a freak - then I'm behind him.
He's a target. All of the attention is attributed to the media just waiting for him to mess up. Fifty cameras a day just waiting for him to drop the F-bomb, or get in a fight, or uncover a child out of wedlock... God forbid someone sees him with a girl on a beach vacation!
Luke 6:22 - 23
The most divisive issue, is the complaint that he talks about God every chance he gets. And I will say, I understand the sentiments of overkill. This is the one area where I think he might be better served to choose his audience, choose his opportunities to spread the word of God, lest he become like a noisy gong or clanging symbol. I think we know from experience that if people think they can predict what you're going to say, they're going to tune it out. (refer to noisy gong here.)
But, if he feels it's part of his mission do so, he will deal with the criticism. Maybe the secular world's idea of overkill is exactly what the secular world needs right now.
What irritates me about the hate directed at Tebow's faith-filled actions, is that everyone blames young Tim instead of realizing that it's the media circus that is making a show of it. I really think Tebow is pretty subtle about it, if it weren't for all the cameras.
Recently, I learned that there is a prayer circle on the field after EVERY NFL game.
It's something they never show in sports coverage... the players from both teams who choose to participate, kneel on the field praising God with gratitude for their talent and sportsmanship. So hundreds of players have done this after every NFL game for years... and the media largely ignores it - but they aim all their cameras at one Tim Tebow, making an example, and sometimes mockery of him.
God bless him for holding his convictions amid all this pressure!
I say, "Tim, keep doing what you're doing. If you change mid-course they'll eat you alive!"
If more of us could stick with our beliefs and proudly stand by Christ when it gets uncomfortable, or embarrassing or even dangerous.... what a wonderful world this would be! I respect TT for putting it out there, and being an example. Somehow, it's making the game more exciting too!
credits: 1) theatlantic.com 2) http://biblebrowser.com/luke/6-22.htm 3) nowpublic.com
I'm about as far from a football fan as you could imagine. I just barely understand the game. The finer details of the sport are lost on me - but I get the gist.
These season though, I've been a bit more interested. I give the credit to my interest to Bronco's quarterback Tim Tebow. I couldn't ignore it if I wanted to. There are articles upon articles about why people love him or hate him. About his fourth quarter comebacks, his wild throwing style (or something - I don't even know what that means!) And obviously about how he wears his faith on his sleeve.
But because I live in Denver, home of the Broncos, the topic of Tebow comes up a lot. The men I meet tell me what they think about him, and ask my opinion. Kind of like a religious litmus test.
One date told me, in the first 12 minutes of my meeting him, "I love Tim Tebow. He's great, heck I'd marry the guy! But I don't like all his religious posturing."
Another date was more blunt. "I hate Tim Tebow. I don't understand why he gets so much attention." he continued, pointing out more details of the Tebow effect.
It's obvious to me that those who dislike him are bothered by his outward signs of his faith in God.
At the start of any interview, he thanks his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
This REALLY bothers people.
Some point out that they think it's silly to think that God cares about a football game.
MY DEFENSE: Well, God cares about what we care about. But no, I don't think God is pulling strings on the outcome of the game like the SNL skit suggests. I do think it's important to point out that no Christian or Catholic football player is reaching out to God for a win.... rather, they are thanking God for the talent and the ability to play well and avoid injury.Then Tebowing became a verb. The action of taking a knee, and striking a contemplative pose.
Another guy I met complained that Tebow is using these gestures to look pious and get attention.
MY DEFENSE: I imagine that when young Timmy played high school and college football, he made a habit of either crossing himself or pointing heavenward, to thank his heavenly father for his talent and concentration. Back then it was probably no big deal, since it's preferable to showboating. But then, when it was obvious he was going to be a highly ranked draft pick, and TV network cameras showed up to document the start of his career -- well, people started asking questions and forming opinions about his actions and about his intent.
Those opinions turned into criticisms. But what was he supposed to do? If he dropped these actions, he'd get criticism about changing himself to fit the mold that other people want. He continues, and gets criticism for constantly drawing attention to his faith.
He can't win this battle. If he did these things before the media frenzy, if he quits, people will attack him for caving to pressure.
I suspect that the stance we now know as "Tebowing" was an effort on his part to take a reflective moment in an inconspicuous way. Then some reporters asked what that was about and he's honest enough to tell them - so the media jumps all over that too. I give the man credit for being who he is, sticking to his convictions and not caving into the pressure to conform to what makes everyone else comfortable.
A few years back there was a lot of discussion about NFL players showboating in the end zone after a touchdown. Silly, funky little dances, sometimes amounting to beating their chests like primitive man slaying a wooly mammoth for food. I've never liked excessive celebration in sports, although I think a little happy jig never hurt anybody. (I partake in the occasional happy dance myself, thanks.)
Excessive celebration, on the other hand, amounts to grabbing the glory. Making the touchdown should be enough. Punctuating it with a fist pump or a big smile is fine, but when a player beats his chest and points to himself in celebration, it is, to me all about the glory. I think it's ugly to focus the glory on oneself. By pointing heavenward, I see Tebow making a small gesture that gives the glory to God - which I think is much more appropriate.
So when people get all spun up and complain that Tim Tebow shouldn't be bringing God to the NFL football field, I point out that everyone's okay with another player taking the glory for himself, but giving the glory to God is frowned upon? That is messed up.
It shows what a religious-phobic society ours has become. (just look to the current presidential campaign for more proof.)
If Tim Tebow is held out as an example of a godly man (and I don't know that he is - I only know what I've read.) and can show our phobic society that religion doesn't make one a freak - then I'm behind him.
He's a target. All of the attention is attributed to the media just waiting for him to mess up. Fifty cameras a day just waiting for him to drop the F-bomb, or get in a fight, or uncover a child out of wedlock... God forbid someone sees him with a girl on a beach vacation!
Still other critics complain that he's not that smart. That he says the same thing over and over in every interview.
MY DEFENSE: Well, no kidding. First of all, he's young and yet to get in his groove for dealing with the media. But remember, if there's a microphone in front of his face there are millions of people just waiting for him to say the wrong thing. Waiting for any one thing that they can twist or spin to point to just so they can say, "See, it was all an act. No one can truly dedicate themselves to God and live a 'normal' life."
Tebow has set his own standard, because there are millions of people waiting to knock him off of some imaginary pedestal. It's hard to stand up for Christ when you're facing the scorn of the secular world.
Luke 6:22 - 23
22“Blessed are you when men hate you, and ostracize you, and insult you, and scorn your name as evil, for the sake of the Son of Man. 23“Be glad in that day and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven.
The most divisive issue, is the complaint that he talks about God every chance he gets. And I will say, I understand the sentiments of overkill. This is the one area where I think he might be better served to choose his audience, choose his opportunities to spread the word of God, lest he become like a noisy gong or clanging symbol. I think we know from experience that if people think they can predict what you're going to say, they're going to tune it out. (refer to noisy gong here.)
But, if he feels it's part of his mission do so, he will deal with the criticism. Maybe the secular world's idea of overkill is exactly what the secular world needs right now.
What irritates me about the hate directed at Tebow's faith-filled actions, is that everyone blames young Tim instead of realizing that it's the media circus that is making a show of it. I really think Tebow is pretty subtle about it, if it weren't for all the cameras.
Recently, I learned that there is a prayer circle on the field after EVERY NFL game.
God bless him for holding his convictions amid all this pressure!
I say, "Tim, keep doing what you're doing. If you change mid-course they'll eat you alive!"
If more of us could stick with our beliefs and proudly stand by Christ when it gets uncomfortable, or embarrassing or even dangerous.... what a wonderful world this would be! I respect TT for putting it out there, and being an example. Somehow, it's making the game more exciting too!
credits: 1) theatlantic.com 2) http://biblebrowser.com/luke/6-22.htm 3) nowpublic.com
Friday, January 06, 2012
Mister Updates
I suppose it's time for a date update.
The last male mentioned was Mr. Potential. Woah, that one ended weird. Everything was going nicely, although there was no smoochie time. I mean, there were a few sweet kisses and embraces, but no more.) I wasn't sure if I was attracted to him - which is a major hang up for me. I thought he was an attractive man, no doubt.... but I found him small and skinny (I'm speaking of stature... don't get carried away girls!) which had an impact on my 'desire'. It's all very tricky to anticipate desire when you're abstinent!!!
Even more difficult, trying to explain to a man (even a Catholic man) about your chaste intentions. Any advice on how to handle that is appreciated.
Back to the story, I was sick for a week - he was busy for the following week... so we didn't see each other - but he hadn't called either. I texted to say I was looking forward to seeing an event he was involved in, he encouraged my presence so I went to see said event and talked with him. He apologized for his absence, saying he'd have time for me that week - then I never heard from him again.
So weird.
Then, I met a man at my church... (I know! Can you believe it? That NEVER happens!) and we went out a few times. He's very nice, interesting... but something about him makes me uncomfortable... and it's nothing I can put my finger on. I only know that I'm not real comfortable with him and I have to respect that feeling.
The really difficult part of that is that he hits all the points, 1) he's Catholic and I met him at church 2) he wants to be married - not afraid of it and 3) he introduced me to family members (sibling and in-law and their kids) early on, and was ready to have me for Thanksgiving and to meet his mother when she visited before Christmas. These are the things I'm always wishing for... but somehow made me a bit uncomfortable.
That really bothers me because for some reason I feel like every guy I like doesn't like me and the ones who like me, I'm not interested in. Gosh it's so frustrating!
Then, I met another guy online - we'll call him Hometown Boy. He's from my home state and my alma mater - so when we started talking on the phone we connected pretty easily. We arranged a meeting at one of my favorite places. When I walked in, I saw him standing in the back and thought he was even cuter than his profile pictures, so a smile naturally spread over my face. When he noticed I was there, and recognized me, he smiled just as broadly. Good start.
It had snowed a few inches the night before and it was really cold, so as we parted he asked me to call him when I got home to be sure I made it safely. When I did, we talked for another hour and a half!!
We talked a few more times, and made plans for a little destination trip that I was really looking forward to. His work schedule changed and we had to scrap the evening trip. Then we discussed whether to spend New Years Eve together... and ultimately decided not to. Since then, I hadn't heard from him aside from a text on New Years day. This confused me greatly, because he MUST like me. Guys don't talk for hours with girls they're not interested in. Then finally he called me tonight - just when I thought he fell off the planet. He's a little sloppy about setting up a definite date but I'll blame that on his erratic work schedule - because he did ask, he just didn't make it firm.
So Hometown Boy is still in the running.
In the meantime, I met a couple of other guys from the dating site before my subscription ran out.
One of them seemed to be a contender until he told me that he voted for Obama and would vote for Obama again! I literally set my jaw on the table! Took a few minutes before I could speak!
Then another guy who promptly told me that all of his friends have hated every woman he's ever dated. I could only think he either has terrible taste in women, or he gives his friends too much say over his love life, or his friends are right. Either way, I don't think I'll fit in. I might entertain another date, but that kind of information shouldn't come up on a first meeting! Sheesh!
So that's the update. Not sure if I've met Mr. Right, but I have certainly met someone interesting.
The last male mentioned was Mr. Potential. Woah, that one ended weird. Everything was going nicely, although there was no smoochie time. I mean, there were a few sweet kisses and embraces, but no more.) I wasn't sure if I was attracted to him - which is a major hang up for me. I thought he was an attractive man, no doubt.... but I found him small and skinny (I'm speaking of stature... don't get carried away girls!) which had an impact on my 'desire'. It's all very tricky to anticipate desire when you're abstinent!!!
Even more difficult, trying to explain to a man (even a Catholic man) about your chaste intentions. Any advice on how to handle that is appreciated.
Back to the story, I was sick for a week - he was busy for the following week... so we didn't see each other - but he hadn't called either. I texted to say I was looking forward to seeing an event he was involved in, he encouraged my presence so I went to see said event and talked with him. He apologized for his absence, saying he'd have time for me that week - then I never heard from him again.
So weird.
Then, I met a man at my church... (I know! Can you believe it? That NEVER happens!) and we went out a few times. He's very nice, interesting... but something about him makes me uncomfortable... and it's nothing I can put my finger on. I only know that I'm not real comfortable with him and I have to respect that feeling.
The really difficult part of that is that he hits all the points, 1) he's Catholic and I met him at church 2) he wants to be married - not afraid of it and 3) he introduced me to family members (sibling and in-law and their kids) early on, and was ready to have me for Thanksgiving and to meet his mother when she visited before Christmas. These are the things I'm always wishing for... but somehow made me a bit uncomfortable.
That really bothers me because for some reason I feel like every guy I like doesn't like me and the ones who like me, I'm not interested in. Gosh it's so frustrating!
Then, I met another guy online - we'll call him Hometown Boy. He's from my home state and my alma mater - so when we started talking on the phone we connected pretty easily. We arranged a meeting at one of my favorite places. When I walked in, I saw him standing in the back and thought he was even cuter than his profile pictures, so a smile naturally spread over my face. When he noticed I was there, and recognized me, he smiled just as broadly. Good start.
It had snowed a few inches the night before and it was really cold, so as we parted he asked me to call him when I got home to be sure I made it safely. When I did, we talked for another hour and a half!!
We talked a few more times, and made plans for a little destination trip that I was really looking forward to. His work schedule changed and we had to scrap the evening trip. Then we discussed whether to spend New Years Eve together... and ultimately decided not to. Since then, I hadn't heard from him aside from a text on New Years day. This confused me greatly, because he MUST like me. Guys don't talk for hours with girls they're not interested in. Then finally he called me tonight - just when I thought he fell off the planet. He's a little sloppy about setting up a definite date but I'll blame that on his erratic work schedule - because he did ask, he just didn't make it firm.
So Hometown Boy is still in the running.
In the meantime, I met a couple of other guys from the dating site before my subscription ran out.
One of them seemed to be a contender until he told me that he voted for Obama and would vote for Obama again! I literally set my jaw on the table! Took a few minutes before I could speak!
Then another guy who promptly told me that all of his friends have hated every woman he's ever dated. I could only think he either has terrible taste in women, or he gives his friends too much say over his love life, or his friends are right. Either way, I don't think I'll fit in. I might entertain another date, but that kind of information shouldn't come up on a first meeting! Sheesh!
So that's the update. Not sure if I've met Mr. Right, but I have certainly met someone interesting.
Thursday, January 05, 2012
Visiting a Dear Friend
I did something for the first time today.
Something I've thought about doing for a few years now. There's no good reason I haven't done it before. I can only blame timing, and ignorance and uncertainty.
But tonight after work, and after the gym (not the best case scenario) I went to spend time with Jesus.
I went to Eucharistic Adoration.
This means that body of Christ is on display in a church or in a special side chapel dedicated to adoration - and the church parishioners dedicate themselves to have someone with Christ at all times. (more in the link) The body of Christ is not to be left alone.
I went to the Garden Chapel of a neighboring church, as my parish doesn't have an adoration chapel.
I didn't know quite what to expect, but I have heard people describe their experience as sitting in the presence of Christ, very peaceful and comforting.
The moment I walked in, I was drawn in by the beautiful monstrance, holding the host. I genuflected, knelt down in a pew and looked at the body of Christ, instantly moved to tears! Here I was, sitting with the Savior of the World, my Lord and Savior! As comfortable as meeting with an old friend. A friend I should see more often.
It was peaceful. We had a conversation.
I asked my God to lead me where He wants me to go. I know I've been pushing for my own way for the past ... I don't know... ALL my years. That's it. I give up. You show me the way. Please.
Something I've thought about doing for a few years now. There's no good reason I haven't done it before. I can only blame timing, and ignorance and uncertainty.
But tonight after work, and after the gym (not the best case scenario) I went to spend time with Jesus.
I went to Eucharistic Adoration.
This means that body of Christ is on display in a church or in a special side chapel dedicated to adoration - and the church parishioners dedicate themselves to have someone with Christ at all times. (more in the link) The body of Christ is not to be left alone.
I went to the Garden Chapel of a neighboring church, as my parish doesn't have an adoration chapel.
I didn't know quite what to expect, but I have heard people describe their experience as sitting in the presence of Christ, very peaceful and comforting.
It was peaceful. We had a conversation.
I asked my God to lead me where He wants me to go. I know I've been pushing for my own way for the past ... I don't know... ALL my years. That's it. I give up. You show me the way. Please.
Sunday, January 01, 2012
When Freedom is Limiting!
I have made some new friends at church... which is, of itself, an answer to prayer.
One couple in particular, is my age, and very engaging. They are 'pursuing' my friendship, which is very, very cool.
Today, we talked about our New Year's evenings... I went to two parties, one a low-key event at a friend's home - the other, a packed venue with a live band and a handful of friends.
My new friends, by contrast, described a night at home with their kids and an early bedtime. They teased me that they couldn't do the wild partying like I did, because they're married with children. I smirked, then informed them... little do you know, I would rather have the night at home with an early bedtime with my hubby, if only I had a hubby. I only go out, because I have to - to meet people.
(yes, I know that I can choose to stay home, other options... this was this year's plan)
So the husband of the couple, in an effort to ease my burden, pointed out that as a single person, I can do as I wish, without consulting another, and urged me to enjoy that - as long as that is the case.
This kind of pandering usually bugs me, but this guy is sweet, and I knew he was well-intentioned. It was actually kind of cute that he was making the effort.
I explained that I've had plenty of time in my life to do as I wished. To do what I wanted without consulting anyone else. I'm ready to be a part of a team.
He persisted, until his wife (who understood my position better than he did) cast a sideways glance and said, "What are you saying honey?" implying that he was arguing for the single life despite his own married bliss.
First, he briefly attempted to argued that he was consoling me.... and then, realizing his defeat, he put his arm around the mother of his children and said, "Why would anyone want to be single? Yuck."
Ha ha. I'm really going to like this couple!!
One couple in particular, is my age, and very engaging. They are 'pursuing' my friendship, which is very, very cool.
Today, we talked about our New Year's evenings... I went to two parties, one a low-key event at a friend's home - the other, a packed venue with a live band and a handful of friends.
My new friends, by contrast, described a night at home with their kids and an early bedtime. They teased me that they couldn't do the wild partying like I did, because they're married with children. I smirked, then informed them... little do you know, I would rather have the night at home with an early bedtime with my hubby, if only I had a hubby. I only go out, because I have to - to meet people.
(yes, I know that I can choose to stay home, other options... this was this year's plan)
So the husband of the couple, in an effort to ease my burden, pointed out that as a single person, I can do as I wish, without consulting another, and urged me to enjoy that - as long as that is the case.
This kind of pandering usually bugs me, but this guy is sweet, and I knew he was well-intentioned. It was actually kind of cute that he was making the effort.
I explained that I've had plenty of time in my life to do as I wished. To do what I wanted without consulting anyone else. I'm ready to be a part of a team.
He persisted, until his wife (who understood my position better than he did) cast a sideways glance and said, "What are you saying honey?" implying that he was arguing for the single life despite his own married bliss.
First, he briefly attempted to argued that he was consoling me.... and then, realizing his defeat, he put his arm around the mother of his children and said, "Why would anyone want to be single? Yuck."
Ha ha. I'm really going to like this couple!!
Sunday, December 18, 2011
What's Your Game Plan?
Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly low and lonely, it's easy for me to blame my long not-married status on my chastity. (I don't like the term unmarried, I'd have to have been married to be un-married)
When I see those in the world around me sleeping around, or living together or jumping from one sexual relationship to another... it almost seems obvious that I'm likely still single because of my moral standards. I might as well be enjoying myself (and someone else!!)
Today, something changed my mind irrefutably.
At a casual holiday party, some friends of mine and a woman new to the group were talking about dating, and how it should not be this difficult. How we shouldn't even have made it to this age single.
I said, with exasperation, that I have kissed way more men in my lifetime than I ever should have! As one woman agreed, I concluded, "Thank God I didn't sleep with them all!"
That led a friend to bring up the movie, "What's Your Number". As the title suggests, the premise is based on the number of sexual partners a woman has, and the thesis purports... that if it's more than 20, she'll never get married because while she's able to attach physically she obviously can't attach emotionally and is therefore doomed to failure.
Our conversation was rather innocent until the newcomer chimed in that, being a 40+ woman, and in the dating pool since she was 18 - she didn't find it too shocking that she's had 30 sexual partners because that factors out to one per year.
First, I'm no math expert, but I think her numbers are off!
Second, I could not disguise my reaction - which was "Ewwww!"
She made note of my reaction, and I tried to make like I wasn't judging her... but ... ewww!
Then she said that most of them occurred in her 20s (as if that dismisses anything!) I almost said, "Yeah, the three men I slept with happened in my 20s too. But then I realized that they weren't the marrying kind and changed my game plan." But I didn't think that would go over well.
Anyway, I've been thinking about it since then... when suddenly it occurred to me... Well obviously, my abstinence isn't holding me back! I've been abstinent for 14 years and she's been boinking everything in sight... and we're both over 40 and never married.
Frankly, I prefer my path to never-married.
Ewww.
P.S. you know what else? Women like her are the reason so many men of our generation don't get married... they know there's always someone they can boink so there's no need for those types to marry.
When I see those in the world around me sleeping around, or living together or jumping from one sexual relationship to another... it almost seems obvious that I'm likely still single because of my moral standards. I might as well be enjoying myself (and someone else!!)
Today, something changed my mind irrefutably.
At a casual holiday party, some friends of mine and a woman new to the group were talking about dating, and how it should not be this difficult. How we shouldn't even have made it to this age single.
I said, with exasperation, that I have kissed way more men in my lifetime than I ever should have! As one woman agreed, I concluded, "Thank God I didn't sleep with them all!"
That led a friend to bring up the movie, "What's Your Number". As the title suggests, the premise is based on the number of sexual partners a woman has, and the thesis purports... that if it's more than 20, she'll never get married because while she's able to attach physically she obviously can't attach emotionally and is therefore doomed to failure.
Our conversation was rather innocent until the newcomer chimed in that, being a 40+ woman, and in the dating pool since she was 18 - she didn't find it too shocking that she's had 30 sexual partners because that factors out to one per year.
First, I'm no math expert, but I think her numbers are off!
Second, I could not disguise my reaction - which was "Ewwww!"
She made note of my reaction, and I tried to make like I wasn't judging her... but ... ewww!
Then she said that most of them occurred in her 20s (as if that dismisses anything!) I almost said, "Yeah, the three men I slept with happened in my 20s too. But then I realized that they weren't the marrying kind and changed my game plan." But I didn't think that would go over well.
Anyway, I've been thinking about it since then... when suddenly it occurred to me... Well obviously, my abstinence isn't holding me back! I've been abstinent for 14 years and she's been boinking everything in sight... and we're both over 40 and never married.
Frankly, I prefer my path to never-married.
Ewww.
P.S. you know what else? Women like her are the reason so many men of our generation don't get married... they know there's always someone they can boink so there's no need for those types to marry.
Monday, December 05, 2011
'Til My Heart Finds a Home
There's a radio station in town here that has the funniest guys on their afternoon drive... and the morning show, while a bit annoying is better than the other choices so I was content to leave my dial there and not move around.
I've been listening for a few years now, and not only do their conversation topics seem recycled but they're always talking about people who cheat, have one-night-stands, and other acts that made me continually cynical about society as a whole. It's particularly depressing to think if there are any single men out there... they're certainly not going to be interested in church-going, abstinent, modest little me. Makes the prospect of finding a suitable husband - or someone I would even care to date in this market - well, next to impossible!
So one day I decided to find the KLove station, and I haven't moved the dial since.
Sure, maybe it's a bit like sticking my head in the sand - but my attitude has improved significantly. At first the "Positive, Encouraging" schtick seemed so Pollyanna - almost annoying. But now, I'm just happy.
My best friend and soulmate, Kikr, also listens to KLove in her city and we enjoy the fact that we are likely listening to the same songs at the same time! We've talked about our favorites... and usually when I call her, I'm in the car, and by the time her voicemail kicks in - I'm in the middle of a verse of a favorite song and she has to wait for me to sing along to the refrain before I leave her a message! Because she is my soulmate - she LOVES that and is not annoyed.
We talked this weekend and the topic of our current favorite songs came up. Maybe you've heard about The Story Project... different artists have recorded songs that tell stories from the bible. The story of Naomi and Ruth is the first release and it's quite beautiful.
I told Kikr that, in listening to that song... she is my Naomi. She married four years ago, and is still a daily force in my life! She is as invested in me finding a love in my life as I am. Sometimes more!
So I told her that the song reminds me of her - particularly the line that says,
She said, "Well, I've got news for you. When you get married, I'm not going anywhere!"
I was reduced to tears, and with a tinge of shame I admitted that I was worried that I might lose her when her baby comes this spring.
She emphasized that she hasn't forgotten about me since she got married - we both know she's the ONLY one in that category! Still, I worried that it was too good to be true that she'll have the same time, concern and intimacy with me once the baby arrives.
I am smart enough to realize that maybe we're not waiting until my heart finds a home... rather, perhaps her heart is my home.
It's certainly big enough and I am blessed!
I've been listening for a few years now, and not only do their conversation topics seem recycled but they're always talking about people who cheat, have one-night-stands, and other acts that made me continually cynical about society as a whole. It's particularly depressing to think if there are any single men out there... they're certainly not going to be interested in church-going, abstinent, modest little me. Makes the prospect of finding a suitable husband - or someone I would even care to date in this market - well, next to impossible!
So one day I decided to find the KLove station, and I haven't moved the dial since.
Sure, maybe it's a bit like sticking my head in the sand - but my attitude has improved significantly. At first the "Positive, Encouraging" schtick seemed so Pollyanna - almost annoying. But now, I'm just happy.
My best friend and soulmate, Kikr, also listens to KLove in her city and we enjoy the fact that we are likely listening to the same songs at the same time! We've talked about our favorites... and usually when I call her, I'm in the car, and by the time her voicemail kicks in - I'm in the middle of a verse of a favorite song and she has to wait for me to sing along to the refrain before I leave her a message! Because she is my soulmate - she LOVES that and is not annoyed.
We talked this weekend and the topic of our current favorite songs came up. Maybe you've heard about The Story Project... different artists have recorded songs that tell stories from the bible. The story of Naomi and Ruth is the first release and it's quite beautiful.
I told Kikr that, in listening to that song... she is my Naomi. She married four years ago, and is still a daily force in my life! She is as invested in me finding a love in my life as I am. Sometimes more!
So I told her that the song reminds me of her - particularly the line that says,
"I'm with you,I wanted her to know how blessed I am that even though her life is full, she still has time for me. She blesses me every day.
Until your heart finds a home,
I won't let you feel alone
I'm with you, I'm with you"
She said, "Well, I've got news for you. When you get married, I'm not going anywhere!"
I was reduced to tears, and with a tinge of shame I admitted that I was worried that I might lose her when her baby comes this spring.
She emphasized that she hasn't forgotten about me since she got married - we both know she's the ONLY one in that category! Still, I worried that it was too good to be true that she'll have the same time, concern and intimacy with me once the baby arrives.
I am smart enough to realize that maybe we're not waiting until my heart finds a home... rather, perhaps her heart is my home.
It's certainly big enough and I am blessed!
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