My Life As A Baggage Handler

One of the most unfortunate things about dating as an adult (obviously our 20s don't count) is dealing with baggage.

His baggage. Her baggage. Single for 40 years baggage. Recently divorced baggage.

It's particularly difficult when the people involved want to be honest and forthright. I mean, let's be real, it comes up. What's the best way to handle it?

I think the easy answer is, "Not on the first date!"

I recently met a nice man, exactly my age, whom I got to know on a dating site. He's divorced with a child in grade school.  I was excited that he's a serious Catholic and a family man.

We met for coffee, and conversation flowed naturally. But, before I knew it he was telling me about the difficulties, nay complications, of his divorce! Horrible accusations made by his wife regarding the well-being of their child. The sort of thing that you hope no man is capable of.  And although he asserted his innocence and told me that he had been cleared of the accusations... I am still left to wonder what the truth is. Was he innocent or did he just have the better attorney?

See. The thing is, I don't know him well enough to judge his character or determine his honesty. At this point, he had even robbed me of that luxury.

In addition, he told me about something he had engaged in while in the military. Something I am sure many of our troops engage in, when they find themselves in countries where it's common. Something I would hope my husband would never participate in, before or after me. But there it is.

Would I have accepted this as part of his past if I had been given a chance to grow to love him?
Maybe. Maybe not.

In his defense, he said he felt he should put all this upfront, rather than date for a few months and find out it's a deal breaker.
I see his point.  But my point is - give me a chance to get to know you and like you before you ask me to carry your baggage.

At the airport, once you've passed security - they remind you not to leave your bag with anyone you don't know - and not to accept items from people you don't know.  They have your safety and security in mind.
Quite frankly, upon a first meeting we don't know one another well enough to even watch the other's bags while they go to the restroom!

What he did was like asking me to take his baggage before even clearing security.
At least then I could be confident there were no explosives or weapons.

Online Weeding ... er .... Dating

It occurs to me that as much as we all are different... we all expect different things in online dating.

I have a friend who is much younger - early to mid 20s - who is annoyed that guys send her messages through the online dating service. She thinks that if they are interested they should just call her.

Now, I would be creeped out of my mind to get an unexpected phone call from some random guy who only knows I exist because of my online profile!  So I encourage her to respond to their inquiries and move forward from there.

On the plane back home from Christmas vacation, I sat next to a nice young man, and our conversation turned to our experiences in online dating. I told him that I realized it's more complicated than it seems, because I make a lot of snap decisions based on profile pictures.
If the only pictures they have are self-portriats in the bathroom mirror - I pass. It tells me he doesn't have any friends. That he hasn't even been to a party or a wedding in the past two years!

"The only thing worse," I said, "are the guys who take their picture in the bathroom mirror..." "...with their shirts off!" my seat mate finished for me, agreeing.  They are looking for hook ups, and have little more than their abs to offer, I concluded.

I recently met a guy from my last dating site who told me that his strategy is to just contact the women who are online while he is online. I found that very odd, and told him that when men IM me while I'm online, I tend to assume they're looking for a hook-up/booty call - and I ignore them.

So, OH MY WORD! If there are these sorts of miscommunications, misunderstandings and mixed signals how on earth does anyone ever meet?!??!

I nearly missed meeting Hometown boy because he wasn't up for making conversation via the dating site email.  I'm typically frustrated that many men want to get right to meeting or right to the phone calls.  It feels, to me, like they're rushing it. I want to know that we have something in common, that he can carry on a conversation... before I go to all the trouble of picking out an outfit and fixing my hair and makeup to go on a meeting date!  I guess I want some guarantee of success! Or I'm just lazy!

With Hometown boy, I noticed his resistance and was slightly annoyed. I thought I'd help him out by asking him questions (via email) about some things we had in common. He later told me that he felt like I was putting him on the spot. I finally understood his perspective when we had our first phone conversation, and it took him a while to warm up but once he was comfortable - we were clicking pretty well.

Because I am a communicator by nature, a writer, a talker and a reader... I sort of expect everyone to operate the same as I do.  Hometown boy made me realize differently.

Another man who wanted to meet without, what I considered, a suitable initial email exchange, responded back rather gruffly that he wasn't looking for a pen pal.

Still another wanted to meet without an introductory phone call - which goes against my not meeting ex-cons rule (I'm looking for the link to that story) and I finally said good riddance to him.

Oh, and the anti-pen pal guy also took issue with what he called my lengthy profile writing (which, by the way, wasn't any longer than his - the difference being that I provided information about my values and interests and he instead, logged a series of one-liners) which leads us to the assumption that "Nobody Reads the Profiles Anyway."

I read the profiles.  Of course I do.


And if he says he's separated, not divorced... I delete.
If he says he's spiritual but not religious... I delete.

Let's do a little informal survey here... and tell me what conclusions you draw about certain actions.
I'm thinking of doing a series of posts that we could share with men - to open communication and to perhaps make it easier on all of us.

Pretty is as Pretty Does

Hello Bloggy Friends!
You all are so sweet. I hadn't realized it had been almost two weeks since checking in here.

There has been some epic crap going on in my life and I have been licking my wounds. I don't want to get into it all here - but seriously - EPIC.

But then this weekend, a few bright spots. Me, the girl who is a disaster at flirting has had some successful moments and really, that's all it takes to get the old confidence back.

After some disappointing efforts with online dating... the type of circumstances that make you want to just give up all together, there are some interesting prospects.

Even better, men emerge in real life. How about that?
A handsome man came into the studio for business portraits, and my adorable co-worker (who I just want to put in my pocket so as to have constant access to her wit) said, "TRS, do you want to take this one?"
Why yes. I do!

He started flirting at square one... and while that could be awkward, this flirtation was welcome. There was a mutual attraction, mutual flirtation - and dare I say mutual admiration. Now Adorable Co-Worker is trying to figure out how to give him my number when he comes back to pick up his CD!

Then as I was about to leave a party on Saturday night, the hostess introduced me to a friend of hers. Cute, fit and funny - when he told me he was a Chiropractor I had to resist the urge to announce... "Hey, I need to marry a Chiropractor so I can have daily adjustments!" (Seriously, my back is jacked up!) Instead, I engaged him in witty banter, up until the point he announced that he was a little buzzed on his beer - and I concurred due to the fact that he had just begun using profanities to woo me! I left without giving him my number.

Then tonight, I had a first time meeting with an online suitor. I wasn't terribly excited about him but agreed to meet him to speed up the elimination process. I actually came at it from the attitude of, "I'll give him a chance." which turned out to be further proof to follow my gut instincts.

Let's call him Vincent. (not his real name) Vincent texted me to say he wanted to take me out to dinner. I suggested Sunday night after work. Over the next 25 texts ... he proposed that I drive to his neighborhood (mistake #1) where there is indeed a wide selection of restaurants. But let's face it... if he's not going to travel to the woman's vicinity for the first date, it's a bad sign. Not very gentlemanly... then, he proceeded to suggest a number of different establishments without settling on one. ... I had to inquire twice about what time we would meet.

As I left my ... ahem... centrally located residence.... I texted that I was heading to the area we agreed upon but still didn't know where we were meeting. I seriously considered going back home based on the fact that we didn't have a firm plan. I continued. (Mistake #2)

I arrived at the neighborhood... one of those new urban/ suburban neighborhood centers... and still didn't know which restaurant to go to. I wandered around just to see what was all there. I spotted an Indian restaurant (a favorite) and went to read the menu posted on the window.
Within seconds, a waiter stepped out the door to point out a mama duck who was nesting in the planter near the door... and warned that she was calm but protective. He invited me inside to read their menu and avoid aggravating the mama duck.

The waiter was very friendly and kind so I confided about my strange date who has yet to tell me where to meet him. Waiter suggested that I have a drink at their bar and then tell Vincent, when he texts, that I'm content with a drink, come find me.
I liked that plan and did so.

A few texts later, Vincent finds me. He is loud. Very loud. I mean, I am a loud girl myself and I found it off-putting!! Vincent has a few beers and starts stroking my arm. I skooch to the other edge of my bar stool.

Vincent visits the bathroom and Waiter checks in on me. I share that he's not my type, but nice enough.

Vincent returns and displays a lack of sophistication that would shame a 15 year old boy. Continues stroking my arm, making me want to boil it when I get home.
He starts touching my leg.

Vincent visits the bathroom again and Waiter, who we learn is 22 years old and 20 times more mature and charming than my Internet date, checks in on me again. I share that Vincent needs to stop touching me.

Vincent returns and Waiter engages us both in conversation, making the rest of the evening much more enjoyable for me! Waiter leaves us alone long enough for Vincent to tell me about his brief stint in prison.
Yeah. Prison.

We finish our meal and we get up to part.
Vincent says, "I get the feeling you're not real touchy-feely but how about a hug?"
"Thanks I'd rather not."
Without another word, he tosses his arms in the air and retreats to the bathroom again.
I call after him, "Thanks for dinner!" and high-tail it out of there... thanking Waiter for his excellent wing man skills. Waiter offers to walk me to my car. (I decline)

When I get home, I find this final text from creepy Vincent:

"Hey, I'm really sorry for whatever happened to you but loose my number and get a toothe whitener"

spelling genius, His.

Dude. You spent time in prison and the issue here is MY TEETH?

Yes, they are discolored due to the prescription of Tetracycline for Croup when I was a baby. Most people just comment on my beautiful smile.

Yep, prime example of available men out there... just waiting for a woman like me. No wait... rejecting a woman like me! Har Har!

I'm kinda hoping Adorable Co-Worker pulls through on the business photo guy for me! I'm planning to introduce her to Waiter.

And yes, I washed my arm with soap when I got home.