Have you ever noticed that you've been doing something consistently, maybe daily - but you don't even know you were doing it until the day you stop?
Every morning when I wake up and trudge to the bathroom to start the grooming process, I stand before the mirror and take a look. I spend a few seconds evaluating what position, height or smooshiness my hair decided to form itself into during my sleep. Ponder any puffiness or pillow lines in my face. Then wonder to myself, "Am I pretty enough for a husband to love?", "Is this a face a man would be happy to wake up to each morning?"
I have no idea when I started doing that. My gut says it began about the time my relationship with Mr. Burns ended. Maybe it was way before that. Perhaps it has something to do with my brother glaring at me across the breakfast table, years ago on a weekend visit, when I had short, layered hair which tumbled and hovered all about my head by morning, and saying, "Sheesh, I feel sorry for the man who will have to wake up next to you."
But each morning, after sizing myself up, I have determined, "Yes, I'm pretty. Someone should feel fortunate to see this face each day."
Back in my 20s when I was still optimistic on first dates, if I liked the guy, I would take a moment to assess if his was a face I would want see across the dinner table every day for the rest of my life. (it was not so much about how attractive he was, just if I liked his face. Because admit it, there are faces you don't want to see across from yours every day!) I guess I assumed they did the same to me.
Well, about a week ago, I stumbled to the bathroom one morning, studied the mirror for a second before thinking, "Who cares? It doesn't matter."
That may sound like success. But it was when my BFF said, "Good for you!", that I realized, no, it's not success. It's not progress. It's something more like despair.
It felt more like, "If there is never ever a day in my life that I get to wake up next to my husband, what does it matter if my face is pleasing?"
Imagine there's a lovely painting that went straight into a dark dusty attic before ever having an audience, then the house burns down and no one ever got to appreciate it. Does it matter how pretty it was? What care the painter put into each brushstroke? Nope. It's a painting that never fulfilled it's destiny. Calling it a shame is generous. What you mean is that it never mattered.
It doesn't matter. Who cares?
That's one of the things that I struggle with in just my daily life. Everywhere I go, I see couples. Out to lunch, at the mall, even driving down the street. Most places I see couples, I wonder what brought them together. Did they simply find each other attractive? Do they ever even discuss the wonder of God's gifts to the world? Have they ever even been to church together? Do they visit the elderly? Volunteer at the city mission together? Then why do they deserve to have a companion in life?
Of course, I know attraction has to do with more than just the physical. But I also realize if a man is ever going to fall in love with me, he'll have to find me attractive first.
I don't like to admit this, but sometimes I look at couples and find the wife to be frumpy or homely and it just makes me frustrated. If I'm doing my job of looking good enough, and being dismissed - how did Ms. Frumalump over there get a husband? Hey, I'm not proud of these thoughts - but there they are. It possibly has to do with the emphasis my mom put on always looking my best. As though it's disrespectful to thrust yourself into society without a bit of blush and lipstick. It's just common courtesy to be put together. Why wouldn't you look your best?
That's part of the agony of being single during the entire span of your life. You know that your other fine qualities are more important in sustaining a relationship. But no one will ever notice all those fine qualities if they don't notice a pretty face first.
Ultimately the pretty face doesn't really matter, and after a lifetime of making sure you possess that okay-looking face, it's a harsh truth to realize. Worst of all, then what?
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Monday, April 16, 2012
Dating Fatigue
Oh... I swear sometimes I just don't even know what I'm doing.
I honestly think that after this many years of dating, instead of getting good at it - it's impossible to do it right.
It's like an athlete practicing the perfect swing, or pitch or shot or volley. Sure, the more you practice, the better you get at it. 50, 100 times, maybe you're learning something. But 50,000 times... there must be diminishing returns. Your form gets sloppy. You get muscle fatigue. Eventually you hurt yourself. Eventually you can't even tell what you're doing right and what you're doing wrong. You lose track.
That's what's going on in my dating life.
On top of that, I have advice coming from all different directions. Don't kiss him. Don't have sex. Don't text him. Don't call him. Let him pursue you. Gah!
So I've tried that.
There was a guy last summer that I liked. I really liked him. But I wasn't sure if I was attracted to him. I mean, I thought he was good looking but I wasn't feeling the za za zu. (Meaning, I couldn't picture ever wanting to tear his clothes off!) I thought this was a good opportunity to try out the no kissing rule.
Looking back on that, he lost interest. I'm sure he thought I wasn't interested.
The no sex part, I can handle. I'm a pro at it. Believe me. (although I want desperately to find my husband already and have lots of sex!!! He's going to be SO lucky!)
But I can't not kiss a guy that I'm attracted to. And because I'm so starved for physical intimacy, (I mean, if we start counting from age 20 I've been dating for more than two decades!! And it's been more than a year since McTwitchy) I make the most of the kissing. In fact, I think I take it too far, unintentionally. I actually forget that while I can kiss for hours and still rein in my urges... guys can't. Then they're frustrated, and stop calling the frustrating girl.
See. It's a vicious circle.
Because I want and need intimacy - I get a little intimacy - and because of it - I am starved of said intimacy.
This may be my entire problem.
I mean, at what point to does one explain that you're dating chastely? That yes, you love sex and have a better than healthy sex drive - but that he's not going to get to experiment any time soon, and that's why people should get engaged in six to nine months of dating!!! I mean, you can't bring that up on the first date. Do you have that conversation before you even kiss? That seems awkward too.
And when you only get 3-4 dates... when the heck CAN it come up?
I really wish men would want to discuss this stuff instead of giving up because they're confused.
That combined with the fact that though out all the years I've been dating - the communication surrounding dating has changed.
When I started out, you met guys in real life. They called and asked you out. The plans were firm. You both showed up at the same place and there were no distractions like cell phones and texting, not to mention 20 other women lined up on some dating site.
When you liked someone, you had a couple phone conversations a week if not everyday.
Now, a guy who MIGHT be interested will text you to see if your available. It would be nice if they'd call to firm up the date - but you can't really expect that.
The last few guys I've dated recently, don't call me in between dates. They text to arrange something and the moments once a week we are face to face, is the only time I get to have a conversation with them.
Is it any wonder it's impossible to start a relationship?
Any advice from someone who's been in the dating world recently (not married/engaged in the past 4 years) of how to encourage proper dating?
I honestly think that after this many years of dating, instead of getting good at it - it's impossible to do it right.
It's like an athlete practicing the perfect swing, or pitch or shot or volley. Sure, the more you practice, the better you get at it. 50, 100 times, maybe you're learning something. But 50,000 times... there must be diminishing returns. Your form gets sloppy. You get muscle fatigue. Eventually you hurt yourself. Eventually you can't even tell what you're doing right and what you're doing wrong. You lose track.
That's what's going on in my dating life.
On top of that, I have advice coming from all different directions. Don't kiss him. Don't have sex. Don't text him. Don't call him. Let him pursue you. Gah!
So I've tried that.
There was a guy last summer that I liked. I really liked him. But I wasn't sure if I was attracted to him. I mean, I thought he was good looking but I wasn't feeling the za za zu. (Meaning, I couldn't picture ever wanting to tear his clothes off!) I thought this was a good opportunity to try out the no kissing rule.
Looking back on that, he lost interest. I'm sure he thought I wasn't interested.
The no sex part, I can handle. I'm a pro at it. Believe me. (although I want desperately to find my husband already and have lots of sex!!! He's going to be SO lucky!)
But I can't not kiss a guy that I'm attracted to. And because I'm so starved for physical intimacy, (I mean, if we start counting from age 20 I've been dating for more than two decades!! And it's been more than a year since McTwitchy) I make the most of the kissing. In fact, I think I take it too far, unintentionally. I actually forget that while I can kiss for hours and still rein in my urges... guys can't. Then they're frustrated, and stop calling the frustrating girl.
See. It's a vicious circle.
Because I want and need intimacy - I get a little intimacy - and because of it - I am starved of said intimacy.
This may be my entire problem.
I mean, at what point to does one explain that you're dating chastely? That yes, you love sex and have a better than healthy sex drive - but that he's not going to get to experiment any time soon, and that's why people should get engaged in six to nine months of dating!!! I mean, you can't bring that up on the first date. Do you have that conversation before you even kiss? That seems awkward too.
And when you only get 3-4 dates... when the heck CAN it come up?
I really wish men would want to discuss this stuff instead of giving up because they're confused.
That combined with the fact that though out all the years I've been dating - the communication surrounding dating has changed.
When I started out, you met guys in real life. They called and asked you out. The plans were firm. You both showed up at the same place and there were no distractions like cell phones and texting, not to mention 20 other women lined up on some dating site.
When you liked someone, you had a couple phone conversations a week if not everyday.
Now, a guy who MIGHT be interested will text you to see if your available. It would be nice if they'd call to firm up the date - but you can't really expect that.
The last few guys I've dated recently, don't call me in between dates. They text to arrange something and the moments once a week we are face to face, is the only time I get to have a conversation with them.
Is it any wonder it's impossible to start a relationship?
Any advice from someone who's been in the dating world recently (not married/engaged in the past 4 years) of how to encourage proper dating?
Saturday, March 24, 2012
There Is No Pleasing Me
This year, I'm making an effort to spend more time with Jesus.
Every Thursday, I go to Eucharistic Adoration and just sit with the Lord.
It's an interesting experience, and being that I'm lousy at prayer, I sometimes sit and read a devotional (there are some lovely writings out there to reflect on) and sometimes I just sit and go through my stream of consciousness with my Jesus. I let Him know what is on my mind, who I'm thinking of, and prayers I want to share but honestly don't make time for throughout the rest of the week.
So at last week's visit, as I shared my stream of consciousness with my savior, I asked Him why there weren't more Godly men in the world, in MY world. Why, Dear Jesus, can't there be a man for me who just turns up at Mass or even Eucharistic Adoration, and is brave enough to talk to me as I walk out?
This expectation is similar to my consternation that the airlines can't arrange for an attractive, available single man to be my seat mate every time I get on a plane! Never happens. It's always some old dude, or someone with a wedding ring! Then I'm perplexed that the man next to me wearing a wedding ring doesn't start thinking of the loads of single men he knows to introduce to me! Why, he ought to be texting an eligible friend to meet him at baggage claim at our destination, to meet me, before our plane even takes off!
But I digress.
As I finish my time with the Lord, I get up, genuflect, and walk to the back of the chapel to leave. As I do, the man that I saw in the back gets up to leave too.
He stops me in the entryway (outside of the chapel) and asks me in very broken English where I work. That's an odd opener, but I give him a vague answer. I have an even harder time understanding him ask if I've ever had a stone massage. Again, a very odd segue but massage is one of my favorite things, so I engage.
All the while he is struggling to make conversation, I'm growing increasingly uncomfortable. Turns out he's a massage therapist and he hands me his card. I use the opportunity to rave about my current massage therapist so that he gets the idea that I'm not going to call him.
We walk outside together and I hustle to my car, tossing a 'nice to meet you' over my shoulder.
Then I think, "God, You're not really putting an odd, hairy, little guy that I can't even understand in my path when I ask why You can't just place a good eligible, faithful man in the same church I'm asking the question... are You?"
If so, I guess there just is no pleasing me!
Every Thursday, I go to Eucharistic Adoration and just sit with the Lord.
It's an interesting experience, and being that I'm lousy at prayer, I sometimes sit and read a devotional (there are some lovely writings out there to reflect on) and sometimes I just sit and go through my stream of consciousness with my Jesus. I let Him know what is on my mind, who I'm thinking of, and prayers I want to share but honestly don't make time for throughout the rest of the week.
So at last week's visit, as I shared my stream of consciousness with my savior, I asked Him why there weren't more Godly men in the world, in MY world. Why, Dear Jesus, can't there be a man for me who just turns up at Mass or even Eucharistic Adoration, and is brave enough to talk to me as I walk out?
This expectation is similar to my consternation that the airlines can't arrange for an attractive, available single man to be my seat mate every time I get on a plane! Never happens. It's always some old dude, or someone with a wedding ring! Then I'm perplexed that the man next to me wearing a wedding ring doesn't start thinking of the loads of single men he knows to introduce to me! Why, he ought to be texting an eligible friend to meet him at baggage claim at our destination, to meet me, before our plane even takes off!
But I digress.
As I finish my time with the Lord, I get up, genuflect, and walk to the back of the chapel to leave. As I do, the man that I saw in the back gets up to leave too.
He stops me in the entryway (outside of the chapel) and asks me in very broken English where I work. That's an odd opener, but I give him a vague answer. I have an even harder time understanding him ask if I've ever had a stone massage. Again, a very odd segue but massage is one of my favorite things, so I engage.
All the while he is struggling to make conversation, I'm growing increasingly uncomfortable. Turns out he's a massage therapist and he hands me his card. I use the opportunity to rave about my current massage therapist so that he gets the idea that I'm not going to call him.
We walk outside together and I hustle to my car, tossing a 'nice to meet you' over my shoulder.
Then I think, "God, You're not really putting an odd, hairy, little guy that I can't even understand in my path when I ask why You can't just place a good eligible, faithful man in the same church I'm asking the question... are You?"
If so, I guess there just is no pleasing me!
Friday, March 16, 2012
A Man With A Plan
I have a second date. Doesn't seem like that should warrant an announcement... but let's face it. It does.
Too soon to know how I feel about this guy except for the fact that I most certainly had fun with him when I first met him.
What I do like, REALLY like, is that he's a man with a plan. As we were planning our first meeting, he told me when we should meet and presented me with three options for our date. Three options! Not just options... but three very active, very fun options. All I had to do was pick!
For our second date, he told me where he wanted to take me and once we could agree on a schedule he told me which movie we were going to see.
I was a bit surprised to realize that I loved that!
On one hand, we might like to think that we don't a man to make decisions for us. That's true in some cases. But on the other hand, the take-charge element is very attractive.
Considering the reasoning for some time, I eventually realized that I appreciate it because... as a woman who has been single My. Whole. Life., every decision that has ever needed to be made has been made by me and by only me for the past 20+ years! How refreshing to have someone make a decision and all I have to do is show up!!
Ahhh!
It also reminded me of a past relationship in which my guy was always asking me to plan what to do and where to go.
On the surface, it seems thoughtful that he wants my opinion. In reality, it was simply more proof that he couldn't commit to anything! Worse yet, it relieved him of any responsibility. If we didn't enjoy it, if we didn't like the food.... he was off the hook and if blame were to be assigned... well, guess who he can blame?
Upon further consideration, it was a bit of a manipulation. Not only was he not responsible for any plans, and relieved of culpability... it was a ruse for acting like my opinion was valued - but became transparent when my suggestion was dismissed as something we would not both enjoy.
As that relationship ended, I became more vocal about my displeasure.
Me: "Geez, I wish you could make a decision once in a while!"
Him (defensively) : "I didn't know I was failing so badly at that."
Me: "Why would I care where we eat?! Due my food restrictions, there's only two dishes at any given restaurant that I can have. What the heck do I care? A salad is a salad anywhere! When I DO state a preference, you shoot it down."
So, this new guy, who makes plans with the intention of just getting know me, and to delight me? Yeah, that's pretty cool. And I told him so.
(Among other things revealed on our second date, was that he hasn't dated much in quite a while. I think that actually plays a part in it. It males him a little more old-fashioned about it.)
Too soon to know how I feel about this guy except for the fact that I most certainly had fun with him when I first met him.
What I do like, REALLY like, is that he's a man with a plan. As we were planning our first meeting, he told me when we should meet and presented me with three options for our date. Three options! Not just options... but three very active, very fun options. All I had to do was pick!
For our second date, he told me where he wanted to take me and once we could agree on a schedule he told me which movie we were going to see.
I was a bit surprised to realize that I loved that!
On one hand, we might like to think that we don't a man to make decisions for us. That's true in some cases. But on the other hand, the take-charge element is very attractive.
Considering the reasoning for some time, I eventually realized that I appreciate it because... as a woman who has been single My. Whole. Life., every decision that has ever needed to be made has been made by me and by only me for the past 20+ years! How refreshing to have someone make a decision and all I have to do is show up!!
Ahhh!
It also reminded me of a past relationship in which my guy was always asking me to plan what to do and where to go.
On the surface, it seems thoughtful that he wants my opinion. In reality, it was simply more proof that he couldn't commit to anything! Worse yet, it relieved him of any responsibility. If we didn't enjoy it, if we didn't like the food.... he was off the hook and if blame were to be assigned... well, guess who he can blame?
Upon further consideration, it was a bit of a manipulation. Not only was he not responsible for any plans, and relieved of culpability... it was a ruse for acting like my opinion was valued - but became transparent when my suggestion was dismissed as something we would not both enjoy.
As that relationship ended, I became more vocal about my displeasure.
Me: "Geez, I wish you could make a decision once in a while!"
Him (defensively) : "I didn't know I was failing so badly at that."
Me: "Why would I care where we eat?! Due my food restrictions, there's only two dishes at any given restaurant that I can have. What the heck do I care? A salad is a salad anywhere! When I DO state a preference, you shoot it down."
So, this new guy, who makes plans with the intention of just getting know me, and to delight me? Yeah, that's pretty cool. And I told him so.
(Among other things revealed on our second date, was that he hasn't dated much in quite a while. I think that actually plays a part in it. It males him a little more old-fashioned about it.)
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Economic Impact
Last night I made an effort to watch the St@te of the Uni*n address. I think the fact that I fell asleep through the better part of it is irrelevant... I was tired.
So, although I heard him address unemployment, and assume he tackled the economy while I napped - I can't be sure if he tied them together appropriately... the tragic result of the insane unemployment rate combined with the cruddy economy equals something even the smartest pundits and candidates have yet to comprehend.... it's absolutely killing dating!
I'm not kidding.
Either I am especially attracting men who are underemployed or unemployed, or it IS an epidemic. Or both. (I think both.)
Part of the attraction may be the fact that I've suffered through both unemployment and underemployment myself and I know what a blow to the ego it is. If it broke me emotionally, just imagine what it does to men.
Men who have been raised and trained to understand that they need to have good jobs, make money, climb the ladder - they've been told that women expect it (somehow at the same time the feminists were hollering about women not needing men - thanks crazies!)
Based on a basic understanding of sociology and my own experience, I understand that men have a very difficult time even trying to date while suffering the blow to the ego that is working a job beneath their experience level and or pay grade. They feel like less of a man, which they shouldn't - legitimate unemployment (especially in this day and age) should not be considered a mark against one's character. It happens to the best of us. It happens to all of us. (it really does, if it hasn't happened to you yet - you're lucky lucky lucky!)
More importantly, it's impacting MY dating life.
Sweet Mr. Hometown Boy had his job cut to part-time months before we met. He took on a part-time retail job to compensate but of course it doesn't make up the difference. He is stressed, and a little embarrassed and we can't make a date because he feels he must take the random extra hours he's offered when someone else blows off their shift. He's responsible like that.
Here's the one guy in MONTHS - almost a year's worth of them, that I actually like, am actually attracted to and makes me laugh with his goofy-like-me sense of humor... and after many lengthy, enjoyable phone calls (after our first date) I don't think he's going call again. He's too stressed out by his financial problems and his employment status to properly date. Even though he knows I understand and do not judge him.
When a man feels like less of a man, he just doesn't have it in him to woo a lady, no matter how interested he is - and especially if he's interested.
And Hometown Boy isn't the only one, McTwitchy suffered the same affliction... and a few years back there was a very handsome guy I had a crush on who was working at the local hardware store while between jobs in a very lucrative field. I ran into him a year ago, and he finally explained about it - but still didn't ask me out! Bah!
This is why our government really has to take unemployment seriously!
It's impacting my dating life. And that's just wrong.
So, although I heard him address unemployment, and assume he tackled the economy while I napped - I can't be sure if he tied them together appropriately... the tragic result of the insane unemployment rate combined with the cruddy economy equals something even the smartest pundits and candidates have yet to comprehend.... it's absolutely killing dating!
I'm not kidding.
Either I am especially attracting men who are underemployed or unemployed, or it IS an epidemic. Or both. (I think both.)
Part of the attraction may be the fact that I've suffered through both unemployment and underemployment myself and I know what a blow to the ego it is. If it broke me emotionally, just imagine what it does to men.
Men who have been raised and trained to understand that they need to have good jobs, make money, climb the ladder - they've been told that women expect it (somehow at the same time the feminists were hollering about women not needing men - thanks crazies!)
Based on a basic understanding of sociology and my own experience, I understand that men have a very difficult time even trying to date while suffering the blow to the ego that is working a job beneath their experience level and or pay grade. They feel like less of a man, which they shouldn't - legitimate unemployment (especially in this day and age) should not be considered a mark against one's character. It happens to the best of us. It happens to all of us. (it really does, if it hasn't happened to you yet - you're lucky lucky lucky!)
More importantly, it's impacting MY dating life.
Sweet Mr. Hometown Boy had his job cut to part-time months before we met. He took on a part-time retail job to compensate but of course it doesn't make up the difference. He is stressed, and a little embarrassed and we can't make a date because he feels he must take the random extra hours he's offered when someone else blows off their shift. He's responsible like that.
Here's the one guy in MONTHS - almost a year's worth of them, that I actually like, am actually attracted to and makes me laugh with his goofy-like-me sense of humor... and after many lengthy, enjoyable phone calls (after our first date) I don't think he's going call again. He's too stressed out by his financial problems and his employment status to properly date. Even though he knows I understand and do not judge him.
When a man feels like less of a man, he just doesn't have it in him to woo a lady, no matter how interested he is - and especially if he's interested.
And Hometown Boy isn't the only one, McTwitchy suffered the same affliction... and a few years back there was a very handsome guy I had a crush on who was working at the local hardware store while between jobs in a very lucrative field. I ran into him a year ago, and he finally explained about it - but still didn't ask me out! Bah!
This is why our government really has to take unemployment seriously!
It's impacting my dating life. And that's just wrong.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Online Weeding ... er .... Dating
It occurs to me that as much as we all are different... we all expect different things in online dating.
I have a friend who is much younger - early to mid 20s - who is annoyed that guys send her messages through the online dating service. She thinks that if they are interested they should just call her.
Now, I would be creeped out of my mind to get an unexpected phone call from some random guy who only knows I exist because of my online profile! So I encourage her to respond to their inquiries and move forward from there.
On the plane back home from Christmas vacation, I sat next to a nice young man, and our conversation turned to our experiences in online dating. I told him that I realized it's more complicated than it seems, because I make a lot of snap decisions based on profile pictures.
If the only pictures they have are self-portriats in the bathroom mirror - I pass. It tells me he doesn't have any friends. That he hasn't even been to a party or a wedding in the past two years!
"The only thing worse," I said, "are the guys who take their picture in the bathroom mirror..." "...with their shirts off!" my seat mate finished for me, agreeing. They are looking for hook ups, and have little more than their abs to offer, I concluded.
I recently met a guy from my last dating site who told me that his strategy is to just contact the women who are online while he is online. I found that very odd, and told him that when men IM me while I'm online, I tend to assume they're looking for a hook-up/booty call - and I ignore them.
So, OH MY WORD! If there are these sorts of miscommunications, misunderstandings and mixed signals how on earth does anyone ever meet?!??!
I nearly missed meeting Hometown boy because he wasn't up for making conversation via the dating site email. I'm typically frustrated that many men want to get right to meeting or right to the phone calls. It feels, to me, like they're rushing it. I want to know that we have something in common, that he can carry on a conversation... before I go to all the trouble of picking out an outfit and fixing my hair and makeup to go on a meeting date! I guess I want some guarantee of success! Or I'm just lazy!
With Hometown boy, I noticed his resistance and was slightly annoyed. I thought I'd help him out by asking him questions (via email) about some things we had in common. He later told me that he felt like I was putting him on the spot. I finally understood his perspective when we had our first phone conversation, and it took him a while to warm up but once he was comfortable - we were clicking pretty well.
Because I am a communicator by nature, a writer, a talker and a reader... I sort of expect everyone to operate the same as I do. Hometown boy made me realize differently.
Another man who wanted to meet without, what I considered, a suitable initial email exchange, responded back rather gruffly that he wasn't looking for a pen pal.
Still another wanted to meet without an introductory phone call - which goes against my not meeting ex-cons rule (I'm looking for the link to that story) and I finally said good riddance to him.
Oh, and the anti-pen pal guy also took issue with what he called my lengthy profile writing (which, by the way, wasn't any longer than his - the difference being that I provided information about my values and interests and he instead, logged a series of one-liners) which leads us to the assumption that "Nobody Reads the Profiles Anyway."
I read the profiles. Of course I do.
And if he says he's separated, not divorced... I delete.
If he says he's spiritual but not religious... I delete.
Let's do a little informal survey here... and tell me what conclusions you draw about certain actions.
I'm thinking of doing a series of posts that we could share with men - to open communication and to perhaps make it easier on all of us.
I have a friend who is much younger - early to mid 20s - who is annoyed that guys send her messages through the online dating service. She thinks that if they are interested they should just call her.
Now, I would be creeped out of my mind to get an unexpected phone call from some random guy who only knows I exist because of my online profile! So I encourage her to respond to their inquiries and move forward from there.
On the plane back home from Christmas vacation, I sat next to a nice young man, and our conversation turned to our experiences in online dating. I told him that I realized it's more complicated than it seems, because I make a lot of snap decisions based on profile pictures.
If the only pictures they have are self-portriats in the bathroom mirror - I pass. It tells me he doesn't have any friends. That he hasn't even been to a party or a wedding in the past two years!
"The only thing worse," I said, "are the guys who take their picture in the bathroom mirror..." "...with their shirts off!" my seat mate finished for me, agreeing. They are looking for hook ups, and have little more than their abs to offer, I concluded.
I recently met a guy from my last dating site who told me that his strategy is to just contact the women who are online while he is online. I found that very odd, and told him that when men IM me while I'm online, I tend to assume they're looking for a hook-up/booty call - and I ignore them.
So, OH MY WORD! If there are these sorts of miscommunications, misunderstandings and mixed signals how on earth does anyone ever meet?!??!
I nearly missed meeting Hometown boy because he wasn't up for making conversation via the dating site email. I'm typically frustrated that many men want to get right to meeting or right to the phone calls. It feels, to me, like they're rushing it. I want to know that we have something in common, that he can carry on a conversation... before I go to all the trouble of picking out an outfit and fixing my hair and makeup to go on a meeting date! I guess I want some guarantee of success! Or I'm just lazy!
With Hometown boy, I noticed his resistance and was slightly annoyed. I thought I'd help him out by asking him questions (via email) about some things we had in common. He later told me that he felt like I was putting him on the spot. I finally understood his perspective when we had our first phone conversation, and it took him a while to warm up but once he was comfortable - we were clicking pretty well.
Because I am a communicator by nature, a writer, a talker and a reader... I sort of expect everyone to operate the same as I do. Hometown boy made me realize differently.
Another man who wanted to meet without, what I considered, a suitable initial email exchange, responded back rather gruffly that he wasn't looking for a pen pal.
Still another wanted to meet without an introductory phone call - which goes against my not meeting ex-cons rule (I'm looking for the link to that story) and I finally said good riddance to him.
Oh, and the anti-pen pal guy also took issue with what he called my lengthy profile writing (which, by the way, wasn't any longer than his - the difference being that I provided information about my values and interests and he instead, logged a series of one-liners) which leads us to the assumption that "Nobody Reads the Profiles Anyway."
I read the profiles. Of course I do.
And if he says he's separated, not divorced... I delete.
If he says he's spiritual but not religious... I delete.
Let's do a little informal survey here... and tell me what conclusions you draw about certain actions.
I'm thinking of doing a series of posts that we could share with men - to open communication and to perhaps make it easier on all of us.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Less Snark - More Self-Righteous
Okay, I must be in some kind of mood.
I feel like calling other people out on their judgement. Trust me, I know I have my own hurdles... and I am working on those.
But right now, I'm so irritated by a friend's way of thinking I just have to get this out.
She is venturing into online dating - which we will all admit is no cup of tea.
She told me about meeting a guy who was very nice but she wasn't attracted to him. So she's not going to see him again. That's cool, we've all been there. But then she proceeded to tell me that she will only read the profiles of guys she finds hot via their pictures. Again, sure... we all want to find someone good-looking. Attraction is often the initial basis for getting to know someone. If you talk to this woman though, (and I've known her for years) it is clear that her number one criteria for a prospective boyfriend/husband is looks. (guess what number two is?)
Yes, she is beautiful. She is in top physical shape and wears clothes like a model... both in style and fit.
I made efforts to point out that pictures don't always represent someone's real-life appearance. Even some very attractive people don't photograph well. In a particular example, I used to photograph very well, but 10 years later... not so much.
Doesn't matter, she's going for looks.
I can't argue with her. She won't listen. But what I'd like to say is... if you think a hot body and good looks are key criteria for a good husband, or a good relationship... I don't hold out much hope for that relationship.
I don't think she's ever experienced that phenomenon in which the more you get to know someone, the more you like and respect them... the better looking they become to you.
That's what love does. That's how love develops.
Yeah, it is a struggle. It is important to have that initial attraction. Though I don't think that's even what she's looking for. She seems to be looking for hot hot hot!
I mean, I think there's a difference between someone you really can't stand to look at - and someone who is a little less than your 'type'. Some very, VERY attractive people will never qualify as HOT. But I happen to think those are the most interesting, most attractive people.
I'm not advocating for dating someone you think is ugly.
I want to say to her, "Well, if you looking for shallow - you'll find shallow, and I don't think it will make you happy."
I am more focused right now on finding someone who shares my values, beliefs and morals. Someone who is going to be crazy about me, will want to take care of me, share life with me and see me through lifes' ups and downs. (I just started seeing someone who seems to meet that criteria - and I'm waiting to see if the hot steamy attraction kicks in... but for right now, knowing that he's aching to see me, that he enjoys my company, and I his... is a quality start.)
It takes a certain amount of vanity to look the way she wants a man to look, and I hate to stereotype, but I'm afraid my friend who is looking for Hottie McHottersen, is going to be disappointed when she finds he cares more about the condition of his abs and biceps more than he could ever care about someone else's well-being... and he may even start to become critical of the quality of her abs and assets.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they'll be perfect for each other.
I feel like calling other people out on their judgement. Trust me, I know I have my own hurdles... and I am working on those.
But right now, I'm so irritated by a friend's way of thinking I just have to get this out.
She is venturing into online dating - which we will all admit is no cup of tea.
She told me about meeting a guy who was very nice but she wasn't attracted to him. So she's not going to see him again. That's cool, we've all been there. But then she proceeded to tell me that she will only read the profiles of guys she finds hot via their pictures. Again, sure... we all want to find someone good-looking. Attraction is often the initial basis for getting to know someone. If you talk to this woman though, (and I've known her for years) it is clear that her number one criteria for a prospective boyfriend/husband is looks. (guess what number two is?)
Yes, she is beautiful. She is in top physical shape and wears clothes like a model... both in style and fit.
I made efforts to point out that pictures don't always represent someone's real-life appearance. Even some very attractive people don't photograph well. In a particular example, I used to photograph very well, but 10 years later... not so much.
Doesn't matter, she's going for looks.
I can't argue with her. She won't listen. But what I'd like to say is... if you think a hot body and good looks are key criteria for a good husband, or a good relationship... I don't hold out much hope for that relationship.
I don't think she's ever experienced that phenomenon in which the more you get to know someone, the more you like and respect them... the better looking they become to you.
That's what love does. That's how love develops.
Yeah, it is a struggle. It is important to have that initial attraction. Though I don't think that's even what she's looking for. She seems to be looking for hot hot hot!
I mean, I think there's a difference between someone you really can't stand to look at - and someone who is a little less than your 'type'. Some very, VERY attractive people will never qualify as HOT. But I happen to think those are the most interesting, most attractive people.
I'm not advocating for dating someone you think is ugly.
I want to say to her, "Well, if you looking for shallow - you'll find shallow, and I don't think it will make you happy."
I am more focused right now on finding someone who shares my values, beliefs and morals. Someone who is going to be crazy about me, will want to take care of me, share life with me and see me through lifes' ups and downs. (I just started seeing someone who seems to meet that criteria - and I'm waiting to see if the hot steamy attraction kicks in... but for right now, knowing that he's aching to see me, that he enjoys my company, and I his... is a quality start.)
It takes a certain amount of vanity to look the way she wants a man to look, and I hate to stereotype, but I'm afraid my friend who is looking for Hottie McHottersen, is going to be disappointed when she finds he cares more about the condition of his abs and biceps more than he could ever care about someone else's well-being... and he may even start to become critical of the quality of her abs and assets.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they'll be perfect for each other.
Friday, October 14, 2011
People Who Need People
It started in college. It continued in my 20s. Again in my 30s. It still happens today.
Quite frankly, I'm sick of it. And they're wrong!
I'm talking about the people (women, mind you) who have contradicted me.
Picture me in my college years... I wasn't much of a dater (not a big demand in college for girls who don't put out) I would date a guy now and then, no steady boyfriend until my senior year. In my frustration, sometimes I would declare, "Ugh. I need a man!"
Someone would pipe up, "You don't NEED a man."
"Fine. I want a man."
I don't have to tell you how many times this scenario played out. Perfect strangers (always women) would emphasize that I don't need a man.
This past winter, I was at a church activity chatting with a woman with whom I'd lost touch. She's only a bit older than I, married, with two cute, cuutttteee kids. She asked about my dating situation and after my response we determined she would have to do some recruiting. When we left, we ran into some her peeps (other parents with kids her kid's age) out by their cars, she introduced me and advised that they should be on the lookout for a good available man for me. They were sweet enough to ask about my preferences, and we joked a bit about the availability of men with said qualities... and in mock frustration I wailed... "Listen ladies, I just need a husband!"
Someone chimed in, "You don't NEED a husband."
"Fine. I want a husband." I replied, automatically. Then, "No, I'm over 40. I NEED a husband. This going home to an empty house and sleeping in an empty bed every night of my life is BS! I want, and NEED a husband!"
They're the ones who started the whole stupid thing... Gloria Steinhem and her ridiculous, "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." idiom.
You know what... a fish doesn't need a bicycle.
I think the better comparison would be, "...like a child needs a bicycle." Because a child can certainly survive without a bicycle, but I guarantee the kid's childhood is better, more fulfilling, more adventurous and more complete with a bicycle in it.
You may disagree with me, but I believe that my life would be more complete if I were blessed with someone to share it with.
The worst thing the feminist movement has done was to convince men that they're not needed. So many men think women don't want them. Don't need them. Or worse that women only want them so they can have the babies they so desperately want... or that they're holding out for five or ten years so they can get half the man's income in a divorce. (because our society now believes that every marriage will end in divorce. )
Men need to feel needed... and an entire generation has sent the message that they're not needed. No wonder they're afraid of commitment!
Not every woman needs a man, or a husband, or even wants one... and that's fine for them. More power to 'em. (More for me! ;-) ) But there's nothing wrong with wanting the traditional life and I for one will no longer apologize for it. I will stand up to those freakin' feminists who think they're empowering me and other women by insisting we don't need men.
Screw them. If it weren't for their stupid feminist ideas - I'd be married by now. And so would most of my brilliant, gorgeous, kind and adventurous friends.
Thanks a lot for convincing men they're not needed. You blew it for the rest of us.
Here's your cookie.
Quite frankly, I'm sick of it. And they're wrong!
I'm talking about the people (women, mind you) who have contradicted me.
Picture me in my college years... I wasn't much of a dater (not a big demand in college for girls who don't put out) I would date a guy now and then, no steady boyfriend until my senior year. In my frustration, sometimes I would declare, "Ugh. I need a man!"
Someone would pipe up, "You don't NEED a man."
"Fine. I want a man."
I don't have to tell you how many times this scenario played out. Perfect strangers (always women) would emphasize that I don't need a man.
This past winter, I was at a church activity chatting with a woman with whom I'd lost touch. She's only a bit older than I, married, with two cute, cuutttteee kids. She asked about my dating situation and after my response we determined she would have to do some recruiting. When we left, we ran into some her peeps (other parents with kids her kid's age) out by their cars, she introduced me and advised that they should be on the lookout for a good available man for me. They were sweet enough to ask about my preferences, and we joked a bit about the availability of men with said qualities... and in mock frustration I wailed... "Listen ladies, I just need a husband!"
Someone chimed in, "You don't NEED a husband."
"Fine. I want a husband." I replied, automatically. Then, "No, I'm over 40. I NEED a husband. This going home to an empty house and sleeping in an empty bed every night of my life is BS! I want, and NEED a husband!"
(let me just say the woman who said it, is living with her boyfriend... they're both divorced but not marrying yet because he doesn't have an annulment - so, you know, she can talk the talk - but obviously can't walk the walk. hrrumphfff)Freaking feminists.
They're the ones who started the whole stupid thing... Gloria Steinhem and her ridiculous, "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." idiom.
I think the better comparison would be, "...like a child needs a bicycle." Because a child can certainly survive without a bicycle, but I guarantee the kid's childhood is better, more fulfilling, more adventurous and more complete with a bicycle in it.
You may disagree with me, but I believe that my life would be more complete if I were blessed with someone to share it with.
The worst thing the feminist movement has done was to convince men that they're not needed. So many men think women don't want them. Don't need them. Or worse that women only want them so they can have the babies they so desperately want... or that they're holding out for five or ten years so they can get half the man's income in a divorce. (because our society now believes that every marriage will end in divorce. )
Men need to feel needed... and an entire generation has sent the message that they're not needed. No wonder they're afraid of commitment!
Not every woman needs a man, or a husband, or even wants one... and that's fine for them. More power to 'em. (More for me! ;-) ) But there's nothing wrong with wanting the traditional life and I for one will no longer apologize for it. I will stand up to those freakin' feminists who think they're empowering me and other women by insisting we don't need men.
Screw them. If it weren't for their stupid feminist ideas - I'd be married by now. And so would most of my brilliant, gorgeous, kind and adventurous friends.
Thanks a lot for convincing men they're not needed. You blew it for the rest of us.
Here's your cookie.
Saturday, August 06, 2011
Potential
Hello bloggy friends.
When last we exchanged ideas... I was intrigued by the gentleman who showed a real investment in getting to know me.
How do I explain what has happened since then?
How about: He's doing everything right. Eh? How about THAT?!
He asked me to meet him for drinks, with the possibility of dinner, because... in his words... he was optimistic that we would hit it off. I liked that, but then for some reason, when he called to confirm, I was feeling skeptical (too much talking to girlfriends on my part! - that's a fine line you know!).
We met at a rather happening downtown place, enjoyed drinks and endless conversation, and it was obvious we would have dinner together. The poor waiter had to leave and come back several times because we couldn't stop talking long enough to look at our menus!
Later, he walked me to my car and told me he wanted to see me again. I agreed.
He had a trip planned and was out of town shortly after our meeting. By that weekend, I was tempted to text him, but reminded myself to LET HIM PURSUE ME! Within an hour or two, he texted me a greeting from his vacation. Nice.
We had another date in which he offered to pick me up. For the second date, I decided that was okay as long as I planned to meet him in my building's entry. When he buzzed, I ran downstairs to find him waiting with a lovely bouquet of flowers! So we went back up to my place to put them in water... I was stunned by his sweet and formal gesture!
Dinner went the same... non-stop conversation.
He laughs at nearly everything I say... I smile like a dork the whole time.
He walked me to my front door and said that he was really enjoying getting to know me. I agreed. A polite kiss and hug and we were off to our separate corners. (really a 'polite' kiss, as I felt a cold coming on... and I was right.)
Out of town again... he sent me a meaningful message during his vacation time.
Oh... and he locks me in for a future date nearly a week in advance.
I will say, this same behavior in other men has made me uncomfortable in the past.
There was a guy who brought me a dozen roses every time he came to see me, and it just came off as overkill. Maybe that's because I don't really care for roses. (seems the second they are cut, they smell foul to me)
I wondered for a second or two, if downloading a sampler of my favorite band was a bit much... but something about his approach ... it all struck me as sincere.
So this man seems to be hitting it out of the park right now.
I'm not saying I'm falling for him or anything just yet, but I have the attentions of a very good man and I know that.
Meanwhile, McTwitchy has detected that I have someone else in rotation. He pointed out that he senses that I'm being distant... and if I am, it's not intentional... I've been pretty busy with work... and then with some dates, so I haven't been available for McTwitchy... plus a stupid head cold... but oh, I didn't tell you that he seems to be suddenly falling hard for me. I told him if he wanted a third chance with me.... that he would have to be serious. Have to have a plan and know what he wants. I still don't think he's ready to do that... honestly.
So I don't know what he expects.
That's a whole other kettle of fish, as they say.
He asked me if this new guy had potential.... well, what could I say?
Yeah, loads of potential!
When last we exchanged ideas... I was intrigued by the gentleman who showed a real investment in getting to know me.
How do I explain what has happened since then?
How about: He's doing everything right. Eh? How about THAT?!
He asked me to meet him for drinks, with the possibility of dinner, because... in his words... he was optimistic that we would hit it off. I liked that, but then for some reason, when he called to confirm, I was feeling skeptical (too much talking to girlfriends on my part! - that's a fine line you know!).
We met at a rather happening downtown place, enjoyed drinks and endless conversation, and it was obvious we would have dinner together. The poor waiter had to leave and come back several times because we couldn't stop talking long enough to look at our menus!
Later, he walked me to my car and told me he wanted to see me again. I agreed.
He had a trip planned and was out of town shortly after our meeting. By that weekend, I was tempted to text him, but reminded myself to LET HIM PURSUE ME! Within an hour or two, he texted me a greeting from his vacation. Nice.
We had another date in which he offered to pick me up. For the second date, I decided that was okay as long as I planned to meet him in my building's entry. When he buzzed, I ran downstairs to find him waiting with a lovely bouquet of flowers! So we went back up to my place to put them in water... I was stunned by his sweet and formal gesture!
Dinner went the same... non-stop conversation.
He laughs at nearly everything I say... I smile like a dork the whole time.
He walked me to my front door and said that he was really enjoying getting to know me. I agreed. A polite kiss and hug and we were off to our separate corners. (really a 'polite' kiss, as I felt a cold coming on... and I was right.)
Out of town again... he sent me a meaningful message during his vacation time.
Oh... and he locks me in for a future date nearly a week in advance.
I will say, this same behavior in other men has made me uncomfortable in the past.
There was a guy who brought me a dozen roses every time he came to see me, and it just came off as overkill. Maybe that's because I don't really care for roses. (seems the second they are cut, they smell foul to me)
I wondered for a second or two, if downloading a sampler of my favorite band was a bit much... but something about his approach ... it all struck me as sincere.
So this man seems to be hitting it out of the park right now.
I'm not saying I'm falling for him or anything just yet, but I have the attentions of a very good man and I know that.
Meanwhile, McTwitchy has detected that I have someone else in rotation. He pointed out that he senses that I'm being distant... and if I am, it's not intentional... I've been pretty busy with work... and then with some dates, so I haven't been available for McTwitchy... plus a stupid head cold... but oh, I didn't tell you that he seems to be suddenly falling hard for me. I told him if he wanted a third chance with me.... that he would have to be serious. Have to have a plan and know what he wants. I still don't think he's ready to do that... honestly.
So I don't know what he expects.
That's a whole other kettle of fish, as they say.
He asked me if this new guy had potential.... well, what could I say?
Yeah, loads of potential!
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Quickies
Two things my bloggy friends...
One
After the disastrous online dating event I referred to in my last post... things picked up with another online suitor. We exchanged a few emails and it is all very encouraging. Allow me to tell you a story about just how sweet he is.
The other day he asked about what concerts I was looking forward to this summer. I responded that my favorite band is playing at a music festival next month. In his next email, he shared that he downloaded a music sampler of that band on iTun*s so he would know what I liked. (How nice/invested is THAT?!) Then he wrote a whole email incorporating the names of some of the groups' songs... as sort of a word scramble game for me. Cute. no? Then at the end of the email he told me how much he was liking the band to which I just introduced him! How do you not like the guy? We're meeting on Monday.
Two
I went to my yoga class for the first time in five or six weeks... ouchy... I was sore!
One of my favorite instructors taught the class and at the end of class, he suggested that if there was anything any of us were holding onto that wasn't serving us (emotionally, not spare change!) that we should take a moment to just leave it in the room.
I thought for a couple seconds... and determined that I was still holding onto anger at Mr. Burns for wasting so many years with me... when he had to know he was never going to be able to commit.
I should leave that on the mat. It's making me hostile and unattractive.
I wasn't so sure it would actually work... but for the past six days... I have felt SO good to let go of that hostility! Wow!
So it makes me wonder... why do I avoid the sacrament of confession? Maybe that's the experience I needed to be able to understand the freedom of offering those naughty things that don't serve me to God.
One
After the disastrous online dating event I referred to in my last post... things picked up with another online suitor. We exchanged a few emails and it is all very encouraging. Allow me to tell you a story about just how sweet he is.
The other day he asked about what concerts I was looking forward to this summer. I responded that my favorite band is playing at a music festival next month. In his next email, he shared that he downloaded a music sampler of that band on iTun*s so he would know what I liked. (How nice/invested is THAT?!) Then he wrote a whole email incorporating the names of some of the groups' songs... as sort of a word scramble game for me. Cute. no? Then at the end of the email he told me how much he was liking the band to which I just introduced him! How do you not like the guy? We're meeting on Monday.
Two
I went to my yoga class for the first time in five or six weeks... ouchy... I was sore!
One of my favorite instructors taught the class and at the end of class, he suggested that if there was anything any of us were holding onto that wasn't serving us (emotionally, not spare change!) that we should take a moment to just leave it in the room.
I thought for a couple seconds... and determined that I was still holding onto anger at Mr. Burns for wasting so many years with me... when he had to know he was never going to be able to commit.
I should leave that on the mat. It's making me hostile and unattractive.
I wasn't so sure it would actually work... but for the past six days... I have felt SO good to let go of that hostility! Wow!
So it makes me wonder... why do I avoid the sacrament of confession? Maybe that's the experience I needed to be able to understand the freedom of offering those naughty things that don't serve me to God.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Oh The Joys of Online Dating
I am currently participating on a popular online dating site, and each week as a member has its ups and downs.
One man contacted me with so much enthusiasm - I was at once, turned off and flattered. I hate to say it, but judging by his profile and his picture, I wasn't interested. It's a struggle to balance being judgmental, intuitive and open-minded. (more on that later)
Despite my disinterest, I decided to communicate with him on the site until I felt compelled to meet him or certain that I would never want to.
Interestingly, as he sent me multiple messages... even when I was off site for more than a week at a time - I began to delay logging onto the site because I dreaded getting all of these messages from him in particular.
(Funny, as I relayed this to a friend who has not been on any dating sites, she remarked that it was interesting that the same feelings play out, as they do in real life!)
After a couple exchanges, his most recent message to me began with, "It sounds like you want to have children..." he went on to explain that he has decided he doesn't want to have children... AND THEN... he offered the information that, "It is sometimes precarious to have children after age 40."
(I'll let that sink in for a bit.)
Oh yes he did!!
Really? Is that right?
Is this man so ignorant as to think that there is a 40-year-old woman alive in the United States of America, particularly one who has not yet had the opportunity or the good fortune to successfully procreate prior to her 40s, who doesn't know the difficulty, the rarity, the risks, and the likelihood of conception after age 40?!?!
Is he so smug as to think that he can reveal information on the statistics of "geriatric pregnancy" that a woman my age doesn't already know?
I politely wrote back that yes, I do indeed have a strong maternal instinct, and that I hoped to have children whether they be the "homemade" variety, adopted or even foster children. That I know rather well, that there is a chance that I can't have the homemade variety - but that I still think it would be crucial to a marriage to start out with a spouse who is also interested in having children, and has the faith to let the "chips fall where they may." (translated as a faith in God to provide the best for us and our marriage)
Then, after I answered his other inquiries, I offered the advice that he ought not ever feel compelled to inform a woman older than 40 about the likelihood of conception and pregnancy. We know. We've been thinking about since we were 20-years-old. We've been worried about it since we were 25. We've been praying about it since we were 30, and we've been researching it since we turned 35.
I look forward to never hearing from him again.
I dread that I will indeed, have one more message from him before this over!
I promised more on the delicate balance:
It is my nature to be rather open-minded about dating anyone - but experience, while being a harsh teacher, also teaches wisdom. There are certain clues, signals, in what people say, what people do... and sometimes even in their appearance that reveal how they are going to act, and sometimes what is in their heart. (it's long been said that eyes are the window to the soul... which is not so far off.)
It is tempting to be dismissive of those that signal that which repels us. And having been single for so many years, one starts to re-think one's strategy... and give them a chance, just in case we are wrong.
So far, my gut has been right.
Stinking, alone, and right!
One man contacted me with so much enthusiasm - I was at once, turned off and flattered. I hate to say it, but judging by his profile and his picture, I wasn't interested. It's a struggle to balance being judgmental, intuitive and open-minded. (more on that later)
Despite my disinterest, I decided to communicate with him on the site until I felt compelled to meet him or certain that I would never want to.
Interestingly, as he sent me multiple messages... even when I was off site for more than a week at a time - I began to delay logging onto the site because I dreaded getting all of these messages from him in particular.
(Funny, as I relayed this to a friend who has not been on any dating sites, she remarked that it was interesting that the same feelings play out, as they do in real life!)
After a couple exchanges, his most recent message to me began with, "It sounds like you want to have children..." he went on to explain that he has decided he doesn't want to have children... AND THEN... he offered the information that, "It is sometimes precarious to have children after age 40."
(I'll let that sink in for a bit.)
Oh yes he did!!
Really? Is that right?
Is this man so ignorant as to think that there is a 40-year-old woman alive in the United States of America, particularly one who has not yet had the opportunity or the good fortune to successfully procreate prior to her 40s, who doesn't know the difficulty, the rarity, the risks, and the likelihood of conception after age 40?!?!
Is he so smug as to think that he can reveal information on the statistics of "geriatric pregnancy" that a woman my age doesn't already know?
I politely wrote back that yes, I do indeed have a strong maternal instinct, and that I hoped to have children whether they be the "homemade" variety, adopted or even foster children. That I know rather well, that there is a chance that I can't have the homemade variety - but that I still think it would be crucial to a marriage to start out with a spouse who is also interested in having children, and has the faith to let the "chips fall where they may." (translated as a faith in God to provide the best for us and our marriage)
Then, after I answered his other inquiries, I offered the advice that he ought not ever feel compelled to inform a woman older than 40 about the likelihood of conception and pregnancy. We know. We've been thinking about since we were 20-years-old. We've been worried about it since we were 25. We've been praying about it since we were 30, and we've been researching it since we turned 35.
I look forward to never hearing from him again.
I dread that I will indeed, have one more message from him before this over!
I promised more on the delicate balance:
It is my nature to be rather open-minded about dating anyone - but experience, while being a harsh teacher, also teaches wisdom. There are certain clues, signals, in what people say, what people do... and sometimes even in their appearance that reveal how they are going to act, and sometimes what is in their heart. (it's long been said that eyes are the window to the soul... which is not so far off.)
It is tempting to be dismissive of those that signal that which repels us. And having been single for so many years, one starts to re-think one's strategy... and give them a chance, just in case we are wrong.
So far, my gut has been right.
Stinking, alone, and right!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
The Line Forms Here...
At my church's Lenten fish fry, I carried my tray through the serving line then scanned the rows of tables for some familiar faces. I found them at fully packed tables, so I looked around some more.
Finally, I spotted an opening and some friendly new faces so I screwed up my courage and as I claimed a seat I announced, "Sheesh, there are never any singles tables at these things!" That remark drew laughter and served as a mark for conversation. That evening I met a couple, younger than me with an adorable brand new baby... and a trio of sweet older ladies who are now fixed on introducing me to at least one suitable nephew!
There is something to be said for making your needs known! It took a solid 45 minutes for Ms. Martha, across the table from me to think of her nephew. I gave her my phone number and email address... but I doubt I'll hear from her until the next fish fry!
Later that week, at work one of the women at the office asked me what sort of man I'm looking for - her queries were about height and I declared indifference. I have no height or hair requirements as long as the man is whole!! We joked about the pain of dating... and a few days later she announced that she thought of someone to introduce me to. She started naming qualities to determine if anything was a deal breaker.
Finally I said, "I'll meet anybody, as long as you think we'll have something in common. This isn't a commitment to marry me. Just to meet me."
The ladies seemed to appreciate that ... and then my sarcastic nature took the best of me... "Just line 'em up!"
In related news... I have another set up in the works. I'm told he's a good, interesting guy. His main fault seems to be bad hair. Hopefully that's correctable.
And my dance card on my online dating site is starting to fill up. There is at least one very appealing prospect... so I'll have updates to share if you care to hear about my dating adventures.
Hoping to kiss my last frog.
Finally, I spotted an opening and some friendly new faces so I screwed up my courage and as I claimed a seat I announced, "Sheesh, there are never any singles tables at these things!" That remark drew laughter and served as a mark for conversation. That evening I met a couple, younger than me with an adorable brand new baby... and a trio of sweet older ladies who are now fixed on introducing me to at least one suitable nephew!
There is something to be said for making your needs known! It took a solid 45 minutes for Ms. Martha, across the table from me to think of her nephew. I gave her my phone number and email address... but I doubt I'll hear from her until the next fish fry!
Later that week, at work one of the women at the office asked me what sort of man I'm looking for - her queries were about height and I declared indifference. I have no height or hair requirements as long as the man is whole!! We joked about the pain of dating... and a few days later she announced that she thought of someone to introduce me to. She started naming qualities to determine if anything was a deal breaker.
Finally I said, "I'll meet anybody, as long as you think we'll have something in common. This isn't a commitment to marry me. Just to meet me."
The ladies seemed to appreciate that ... and then my sarcastic nature took the best of me... "Just line 'em up!"
In related news... I have another set up in the works. I'm told he's a good, interesting guy. His main fault seems to be bad hair. Hopefully that's correctable.
And my dance card on my online dating site is starting to fill up. There is at least one very appealing prospect... so I'll have updates to share if you care to hear about my dating adventures.
Hoping to kiss my last frog.
Sunday, June 06, 2010
Pretty is as Pretty Does
Hello Bloggy Friends!
You all are so sweet. I hadn't realized it had been almost two weeks since checking in here.
There has been some epic crap going on in my life and I have been licking my wounds. I don't want to get into it all here - but seriously - EPIC.
But then this weekend, a few bright spots. Me, the girl who is a disaster at flirting has had some successful moments and really, that's all it takes to get the old confidence back.
After some disappointing efforts with online dating... the type of circumstances that make you want to just give up all together, there are some interesting prospects.
Even better, men emerge in real life. How about that?
A handsome man came into the studio for business portraits, and my adorable co-worker (who I just want to put in my pocket so as to have constant access to her wit) said, "TRS, do you want to take this one?"
Why yes. I do!
He started flirting at square one... and while that could be awkward, this flirtation was welcome. There was a mutual attraction, mutual flirtation - and dare I say mutual admiration. Now Adorable Co-Worker is trying to figure out how to give him my number when he comes back to pick up his CD!
Then as I was about to leave a party on Saturday night, the hostess introduced me to a friend of hers. Cute, fit and funny - when he told me he was a Chiropractor I had to resist the urge to announce... "Hey, I need to marry a Chiropractor so I can have daily adjustments!" (Seriously, my back is jacked up!) Instead, I engaged him in witty banter, up until the point he announced that he was a little buzzed on his beer - and I concurred due to the fact that he had just begun using profanities to woo me! I left without giving him my number.
Then tonight, I had a first time meeting with an online suitor. I wasn't terribly excited about him but agreed to meet him to speed up the elimination process. I actually came at it from the attitude of, "I'll give him a chance." which turned out to be further proof to follow my gut instincts.
Let's call him Vincent. (not his real name) Vincent texted me to say he wanted to take me out to dinner. I suggested Sunday night after work. Over the next 25 texts ... he proposed that I drive to his neighborhood (mistake #1) where there is indeed a wide selection of restaurants. But let's face it... if he's not going to travel to the woman's vicinity for the first date, it's a bad sign. Not very gentlemanly... then, he proceeded to suggest a number of different establishments without settling on one. ... I had to inquire twice about what time we would meet.
As I left my ... ahem... centrally located residence.... I texted that I was heading to the area we agreed upon but still didn't know where we were meeting. I seriously considered going back home based on the fact that we didn't have a firm plan. I continued. (Mistake #2)
I arrived at the neighborhood... one of those new urban/ suburban neighborhood centers... and still didn't know which restaurant to go to. I wandered around just to see what was all there. I spotted an Indian restaurant (a favorite) and went to read the menu posted on the window.
Within seconds, a waiter stepped out the door to point out a mama duck who was nesting in the planter near the door... and warned that she was calm but protective. He invited me inside to read their menu and avoid aggravating the mama duck.
The waiter was very friendly and kind so I confided about my strange date who has yet to tell me where to meet him. Waiter suggested that I have a drink at their bar and then tell Vincent, when he texts, that I'm content with a drink, come find me.
I liked that plan and did so.
A few texts later, Vincent finds me. He is loud. Very loud. I mean, I am a loud girl myself and I found it off-putting!! Vincent has a few beers and starts stroking my arm. I skooch to the other edge of my bar stool.
Vincent visits the bathroom and Waiter checks in on me. I share that he's not my type, but nice enough.
Vincent returns and displays a lack of sophistication that would shame a 15 year old boy. Continues stroking my arm, making me want to boil it when I get home.
He starts touching my leg.
Vincent visits the bathroom again and Waiter, who we learn is 22 years old and 20 times more mature and charming than my Internet date, checks in on me again. I share that Vincent needs to stop touching me.
Vincent returns and Waiter engages us both in conversation, making the rest of the evening much more enjoyable for me! Waiter leaves us alone long enough for Vincent to tell me about his brief stint in prison.
Yeah. Prison.
We finish our meal and we get up to part.
Vincent says, "I get the feeling you're not real touchy-feely but how about a hug?"
"Thanks I'd rather not."
Without another word, he tosses his arms in the air and retreats to the bathroom again.
I call after him, "Thanks for dinner!" and high-tail it out of there... thanking Waiter for his excellent wing man skills. Waiter offers to walk me to my car. (I decline)
When I get home, I find this final text from creepy Vincent:
Dude. You spent time in prison and the issue here is MY TEETH?
Yep, prime example of available men out there... just waiting for a woman like me. No wait... rejecting a woman like me! Har Har!
I'm kinda hoping Adorable Co-Worker pulls through on the business photo guy for me! I'm planning to introduce her to Waiter.
And yes, I washed my arm with soap when I got home.
You all are so sweet. I hadn't realized it had been almost two weeks since checking in here.
There has been some epic crap going on in my life and I have been licking my wounds. I don't want to get into it all here - but seriously - EPIC.
But then this weekend, a few bright spots. Me, the girl who is a disaster at flirting has had some successful moments and really, that's all it takes to get the old confidence back.
After some disappointing efforts with online dating... the type of circumstances that make you want to just give up all together, there are some interesting prospects.
Even better, men emerge in real life. How about that?
A handsome man came into the studio for business portraits, and my adorable co-worker (who I just want to put in my pocket so as to have constant access to her wit) said, "TRS, do you want to take this one?"
Why yes. I do!
He started flirting at square one... and while that could be awkward, this flirtation was welcome. There was a mutual attraction, mutual flirtation - and dare I say mutual admiration. Now Adorable Co-Worker is trying to figure out how to give him my number when he comes back to pick up his CD!
Then as I was about to leave a party on Saturday night, the hostess introduced me to a friend of hers. Cute, fit and funny - when he told me he was a Chiropractor I had to resist the urge to announce... "Hey, I need to marry a Chiropractor so I can have daily adjustments!" (Seriously, my back is jacked up!) Instead, I engaged him in witty banter, up until the point he announced that he was a little buzzed on his beer - and I concurred due to the fact that he had just begun using profanities to woo me! I left without giving him my number.
Then tonight, I had a first time meeting with an online suitor. I wasn't terribly excited about him but agreed to meet him to speed up the elimination process. I actually came at it from the attitude of, "I'll give him a chance." which turned out to be further proof to follow my gut instincts.
Let's call him Vincent. (not his real name) Vincent texted me to say he wanted to take me out to dinner. I suggested Sunday night after work. Over the next 25 texts ... he proposed that I drive to his neighborhood (mistake #1) where there is indeed a wide selection of restaurants. But let's face it... if he's not going to travel to the woman's vicinity for the first date, it's a bad sign. Not very gentlemanly... then, he proceeded to suggest a number of different establishments without settling on one. ... I had to inquire twice about what time we would meet.
As I left my ... ahem... centrally located residence.... I texted that I was heading to the area we agreed upon but still didn't know where we were meeting. I seriously considered going back home based on the fact that we didn't have a firm plan. I continued. (Mistake #2)
I arrived at the neighborhood... one of those new urban/ suburban neighborhood centers... and still didn't know which restaurant to go to. I wandered around just to see what was all there. I spotted an Indian restaurant (a favorite) and went to read the menu posted on the window.
Within seconds, a waiter stepped out the door to point out a mama duck who was nesting in the planter near the door... and warned that she was calm but protective. He invited me inside to read their menu and avoid aggravating the mama duck.
The waiter was very friendly and kind so I confided about my strange date who has yet to tell me where to meet him. Waiter suggested that I have a drink at their bar and then tell Vincent, when he texts, that I'm content with a drink, come find me.
I liked that plan and did so.
A few texts later, Vincent finds me. He is loud. Very loud. I mean, I am a loud girl myself and I found it off-putting!! Vincent has a few beers and starts stroking my arm. I skooch to the other edge of my bar stool.
Vincent visits the bathroom and Waiter checks in on me. I share that he's not my type, but nice enough.
Vincent returns and displays a lack of sophistication that would shame a 15 year old boy. Continues stroking my arm, making me want to boil it when I get home.
He starts touching my leg.
Vincent visits the bathroom again and Waiter, who we learn is 22 years old and 20 times more mature and charming than my Internet date, checks in on me again. I share that Vincent needs to stop touching me.
Vincent returns and Waiter engages us both in conversation, making the rest of the evening much more enjoyable for me! Waiter leaves us alone long enough for Vincent to tell me about his brief stint in prison.
Yeah. Prison.
We finish our meal and we get up to part.
Vincent says, "I get the feeling you're not real touchy-feely but how about a hug?"
"Thanks I'd rather not."
Without another word, he tosses his arms in the air and retreats to the bathroom again.
I call after him, "Thanks for dinner!" and high-tail it out of there... thanking Waiter for his excellent wing man skills. Waiter offers to walk me to my car. (I decline)
When I get home, I find this final text from creepy Vincent:
"Hey, I'm really sorry for whatever happened to you but loose my number and get a toothe whitener"spelling genius, His.
Dude. You spent time in prison and the issue here is MY TEETH?
Yes, they are discolored due to the prescription of Tetracycline for Croup when I was a baby. Most people just comment on my beautiful smile.
Yep, prime example of available men out there... just waiting for a woman like me. No wait... rejecting a woman like me! Har Har!
I'm kinda hoping Adorable Co-Worker pulls through on the business photo guy for me! I'm planning to introduce her to Waiter.
And yes, I washed my arm with soap when I got home.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
More or Less
About eight years ago I met the first man I fell in love with. (I was 32)
I had had so many years of dissappointment, of Mr. Maybes, of 'I-like-him-but-I'm-not-excited-about-him' experiences that I had no idea what love might really feel like. So when I met Joki and we shared the excitement of wanting to see each other All. the. Time, not worrying about who called last, or if calling again might seem desperate... and just basking in one another's company, well it was completely new to me.
We were in the same career field (read: neither of us makes much money) which accounted for our similar personality traits and spot on senses of humor.
It didn't last. Due to our religious differences, (he's Jewish, I'm Catholic - and while I knew we could make it work if we decided to - he was set on marrying a Jewish woman. He's engaged now, BTW and she's lovely, Hubble.) we decided not to start something we couldn't finish.
It was the first hardest decision I ever made.
But I took it as a message from God that if He had made one man like Joki - there had to be more!
Soon after, one of my girlfriends came to me trying to justify breaking up with a guy who was 'great' but didn't own his own home, or have a high paying job. These were her chief complaints about the relationship.
To be honest, I thought she was being materialistic... and I told her that if I could have made it work with Joki, I was fully prepared to live with him in my little one-bedroom, 740 square foot condo for the next 40 years if that's all we could ever afford.
She told me that my passionate dissertation on Mr. Right gave her goosebumps, and also made her realize that she wasn't in love with Mr. Not-Rich-Enough.
Then I met Mr. Burns
I thought right away... in the first week that this was the guy I would marry. It was destined.
We talked about how we would live if we ended up together.
I told him once that if I could spend on deep tissue massage, what he spends on golf-- I'd be the happiest, most relaxed woman alive. He said that was definitely do-able.
When I put food away in his french door, stainless-steel fridge - the puny, poor layout of my own fridge seemed woefully inadequate. When we have a house, we must take that fridge with us.
When he brought flowers home to brighten his own condo (never for mine, btw) I dreamed of having a house with a garden so that I could grow my own flowers to decorate our home.
And a job for me? No. I would dabble in photography and try to make babies.
The life I imagined with him had to have more MORE M O R E.
Why?
I started to think that maybe I was wrong about Joki. That I must have been caught up in the giddiness of love - and it made me believe I could do without.
However
Now in the short time I've spent getting to know Jerry/Hugh, I've learned that together, we would have a modest life. And I love the idea.
Yes, I know I'm getting carried away thinking about an uncertain future... I daydream, I'm a girl... so sue me!
He runs his own business, which is a daily struggle to break even. He's told me that he already sees and appreciates that I'm not a materialistic girl, that I don't judge him for not owning a home or condo yet, even though I do own my own.
When I imagine a future with Jerry/Hugh, I imagine renting an apartment with a couple bedrooms and an office in mid-town. No backyard, but a park nearby - no garden but oh well. Monthly massages... I can probably forget about that. I would have to work if I could keep a job (perpetual unemployed girl here...) and maybe work my way into running a portrait business - to which he could contribute his skill-set on the business side of things.
So here I am again
Thinking that I could live on little but love.
Like the life I imagined with Joki.
But not with Mr. Burns. With Mr. Burns, I needed so much filler in my imaginary life.
I could only picture a life with him if I was getting more stuff from him. Probably because I knew I would never experience the love I needed.
Yes, I'm getting carried away thinking about possibilities ~ but the lesson from my day-dreaming is this... I really think I'd rather be poor and happy than rich and miserable. I think if you can see being happy with someone with little, you're probably on the right track.
If you think you can only be happy with someone if you have plenty - there's a message there.
I had had so many years of dissappointment, of Mr. Maybes, of 'I-like-him-but-I'm-not-excited-about-him' experiences that I had no idea what love might really feel like. So when I met Joki and we shared the excitement of wanting to see each other All. the. Time, not worrying about who called last, or if calling again might seem desperate... and just basking in one another's company, well it was completely new to me.
We were in the same career field (read: neither of us makes much money) which accounted for our similar personality traits and spot on senses of humor.
It didn't last. Due to our religious differences, (he's Jewish, I'm Catholic - and while I knew we could make it work if we decided to - he was set on marrying a Jewish woman. He's engaged now, BTW and she's lovely, Hubble.) we decided not to start something we couldn't finish.
It was the first hardest decision I ever made.
But I took it as a message from God that if He had made one man like Joki - there had to be more!
Soon after, one of my girlfriends came to me trying to justify breaking up with a guy who was 'great' but didn't own his own home, or have a high paying job. These were her chief complaints about the relationship.
To be honest, I thought she was being materialistic... and I told her that if I could have made it work with Joki, I was fully prepared to live with him in my little one-bedroom, 740 square foot condo for the next 40 years if that's all we could ever afford.
She told me that my passionate dissertation on Mr. Right gave her goosebumps, and also made her realize that she wasn't in love with Mr. Not-Rich-Enough.
Then I met Mr. Burns
I thought right away... in the first week that this was the guy I would marry. It was destined.
We talked about how we would live if we ended up together.
I told him once that if I could spend on deep tissue massage, what he spends on golf-- I'd be the happiest, most relaxed woman alive. He said that was definitely do-able.
When I put food away in his french door, stainless-steel fridge - the puny, poor layout of my own fridge seemed woefully inadequate. When we have a house, we must take that fridge with us.
When he brought flowers home to brighten his own condo (never for mine, btw) I dreamed of having a house with a garden so that I could grow my own flowers to decorate our home.
And a job for me? No. I would dabble in photography and try to make babies.
The life I imagined with him had to have more MORE M O R E.
Why?
I started to think that maybe I was wrong about Joki. That I must have been caught up in the giddiness of love - and it made me believe I could do without.
However
Now in the short time I've spent getting to know Jerry/Hugh, I've learned that together, we would have a modest life. And I love the idea.
Yes, I know I'm getting carried away thinking about an uncertain future... I daydream, I'm a girl... so sue me!
He runs his own business, which is a daily struggle to break even. He's told me that he already sees and appreciates that I'm not a materialistic girl, that I don't judge him for not owning a home or condo yet, even though I do own my own.
When I imagine a future with Jerry/Hugh, I imagine renting an apartment with a couple bedrooms and an office in mid-town. No backyard, but a park nearby - no garden but oh well. Monthly massages... I can probably forget about that. I would have to work if I could keep a job (perpetual unemployed girl here...) and maybe work my way into running a portrait business - to which he could contribute his skill-set on the business side of things.
So here I am again
Thinking that I could live on little but love.
Like the life I imagined with Joki.
But not with Mr. Burns. With Mr. Burns, I needed so much filler in my imaginary life.
I could only picture a life with him if I was getting more stuff from him. Probably because I knew I would never experience the love I needed.
Yes, I'm getting carried away thinking about possibilities ~ but the lesson from my day-dreaming is this... I really think I'd rather be poor and happy than rich and miserable. I think if you can see being happy with someone with little, you're probably on the right track.
If you think you can only be happy with someone if you have plenty - there's a message there.
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